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Archive for October, 2009

Scary…But True!

Posted by scott on October 31st, 2009

True Halloween horror stores that will chill your blood!  (Although I prefer my blood served in an Old Fashion glass over cracked ice, frappé style:

SexyBroomHandler.jpg On this day in 1517, Martin Luther posted his 95 Theses, paving the way for Lutheran Hot Dish Night. Spooky!

On this day in 1846, a heavy snowfall trapped the Donner Party in the Sierra Nevada mountains.  By the time the Spring thaw came, the adorable, tow-headed Perkins Twins were known as the “Jerky Boys.”

On this day in 1986, Dr. Howard Pierson, a resident at Butler Hospital in Providence, Rhode Island, was serving a night shift in the Emergency Receiving Room when a patient with multiple gunshot wounds, severe blood loss, and no discernible vital signs was admitted.  The supervising physician was prepared to pronounce the man D.O.A., but Dr. Pierson insisting on attempting resuscitation, and after an heroic effort, and to the surprise of all attending personal, the patient developed a faint pulse.

“I have to admit, for a minute there, I felt like God,” Dr. Pierson recalls.  “Then he jumped off the gurney and bit my nurse, and I realized it was just a zombie.”  But the budding medico did not allow the horrifying events of that Halloween night to sway him from his boyhood dream of helping humanity.  He completed his medical education, and now administers lethal injections to Death Row inmates at the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility in Lucasville.

And now you know…the rest of the story.

As for our own Halloween celebration: we live in a neighborhood which is, demographically speaking, fairly young and reasonably gay, so we never get any Trick or Treaters.  Therefore, our plans are simple and earthy, involving Five Spice London Broil with a nice Pinot Noir, and the 1933 Mystery of the Wax Museum (thanks Tivo and TCM), which I’ve never seen, because I spend way too much of my life deliberately watching bad movies just to amuse you people!

Speaking of which, here’s a creepy interview with professional mad scientist and defense contractor, Dr. Erich Vornoff, from the old site.  And, of course, Ann Coulter’s Beauty Secret.  Happy Halloween, fellow Crapiers.*


On This Night of Death Rises… Unholy Life!

Posted by scott on October 31st, 2009

…or, at least, a new blog.


Yes, our old pal capmconnundrum (who kindly presented us with the above photo during the Presidential campaign) has started his own blog, and his Grand Opening party includes some lovely Samhainocentric media clips from those bygone days when a cheap monster movie had no blood, and not much of a monster, and it starred Marshall Thompson, and we liked it that way!  Drop by and say Boo.

Happy Samhain From Fanny Farmer, Licensed Succubus

Posted by scott on October 31st, 2009


Over at Firedoglake, Watertiger has a piece (if you’ll pardon the expression) on a Republican whore who isn’t named Giles, and theorizes that the GOP’s frequent intercourse with the world’s oldest profession (whether the relationship be paternal or purely business) stems from demonic Candy Corn, harvested by undocumented incubi and personally shucked by the loving, if scaly hands of Satan himself.

According to Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network:

“During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”

While I don’t doubt the Reverend Mr. Robertson’s conclusion, which I’m sure is the result of much thorough and toilsome research, this scenario raises the question of logistics.  Does the candy manufacturer maintain witches on staff to pray over each batch before it’s bagged and boxed for shipment?  Or is this the responsibility of the shipper, in which case, long haul truckers would be obliged to carry witches in their sleeper cabs every Autumn, tasked with praying over the reefer as they barrel down I-95.  And if so, these would naturally have to be Teamster witches — or warlocks, actually, since even today over 70% of the Black Arts practitioners in the trucking industry are men — which is just another blatant example of union featherbedding.

Of course, the Department of Transportation might well prohibit the reverse-transubstantiation of nougat in a moving vehicle, so it’s possible that witches are forced to just stand on freeway overpasses and shout diabolical incantations at passing big rigs full of Whitman Samplers.

If the candy is not demonically sanctified in transit, however, then one must assume that the major retailers — your Costcos and Wal-Marts — employ sorcerers on the loading dock to consecrate each pallet of Bite-Sized Snickers to the greater glory of Beelzebub while it’s still on the forklift.  If not, then Satan’s last line of defense would be the clerks who stock the shelves, and judging by the picked-over and completely non-hellish candy display at my local Target, the Archfiend can’t be looking forward to a bumper crop of souls this season.

Apparently CBN has taken down their story about Black Sabbaths for Black Cows, but there’s plenty more holiday alarmism to be found on their site, including a piece that traces familiar Halloween traditions to their pagan roots.  Which is all well and good, but how come when Christmas rolls around, these same folks never seem equally keen on illuminating the pagan origins of our Yuletide customs?  To say nothing of Easter.  In fact, Christianity has synthesized, and outright plagiarized, so many of its rites from paganism that it reminds me of the way Pat Boone ripped off Black music in the Fifties.  I guess that’s why he’s such an effective lobbyist for Big Christ.

Anyway, let’s raise our chalices fashioned from human skulls, and brimming with blood (although I’ve actually just mixed a little Crystal Lite in with some 2% plasma in mine, since my doctor told me I really need to reduce my cholesterol) and drink a toast…!

Happy Halloween, everyone.

Dateline: The Grove! Store: Barnes and Nobles! Why: A fictional TV character wrote a book! Who: Nathan Fillion!

How:  First off, you need to know a secret about me.  I’m a geek.  I know it comes as a shock, but there it is.  Part of being a geek is loving you some Joss Whedon.  And (if you’re a geek like me) you are a huge fan of Joss Whedon’s Firefly and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.  And (if you’re a geek and a girl like me) you have a huge crush on Nathan Fillion (Firefly’s Malcolm Reynolds and Dr. Horrible’s Capt. Hammer). And if you have a huge crush on Nathan Fillion, you watch ABCs Castle every Monday at 10 pm.


So. Castle.  It’s a lighthearted procedural crime show, in which Nathan Fillion plays famous crime novelist, Richard Castle.  To promote the show, ABC decided to put out an actual mystery novel written by the fictitious Richard Castle.  And to promote the heck out of it, ABC decided to have Nathan Fillion go to bookstores and autograph the novels written by his fictitious character from the show.

I got to go to one of those signings.  It. Was. AWESOME!

He is every bit as hunky, handsome, and charming as you might imagine him to be!  He’s a sharp dresser and tells great stories about the HIGHlarious hi-jinx which occur on the set of a TV series.

Once he had talked a bit about the show, and answered many questions posed by adoring fans, it was time for him to sign the books his fictional character wrote.  (I should point out that the book is more of an ultra slim novella, and it’s a total “Mary Sue” about Richard Castle writing himself into his own story, and as Scott remarked, is the sort of thing that should come from a Happy Meal rather than a book store.  Anyway…)

I waited in line and once I got to the signing table, I made sure to let him know how talented I thought he was, how much I enjoyed the show, and how much I enjoyed his work in the past.  I also gave him a very rare signed edition of Better Living Through Bad Movies! (If you don’t have one, you should buy one!  Nathan Fillion has one, and he’s super cool. So be cool like him, and get !)

He accepted the book and signed the fake novel by the made-up author, and then shook my hand, thanking me for coming and for being a fan.

And here’s where the tale turns tragic.  You see, the next morning I woke up deathly ill.  Fever, cold symptoms, and vomiting.

I had Swine Flu.

And, because I shook his hand, Nathan Fillion — and now probably the entire cast of Castle – also has Swine Flu.

Sorry about that, Nathan. My bad.  Get well soon!

Why Won’t America Take Halloween Ho Hannah Seriously?

Posted by scott on October 30th, 2009

Fantasy Camp Follower Hannah Giles is peeved that you people aren’t paying attention to her anymore, and I don’t blame her.  It’s hard to believe the country could have so quickly forgotten the Faux Ho and her boyfriend — a loaf of Wonder Bread dressed in a leopard pelt and Plastic Man’s goggles — who went around the country saying crazy things to bemused, overworked black people, and videotaped the results.  This was a serious story, America!  Probably the most consequential piece of investigative reporting since the New York Journal uncovered a Spanish conspiracy to sink the Maine!  Why, just look at the photo accompanying Hannah’s column on Townhall, which clearly proves that a clerk at the local ACORN office in Baltimore took the two strangely costumed crackers completely at face value:


The fact is, Hannah saw a problem and decided to use her skills as an aspiring journalist and slutty dresser to bring down SPECTRE.  Or ACORN.  Or maybe it was AAMCO…Hannah was a little fuzzy on the details at first.  When asked by Glenn Beck why she did this, the perky Brenda Starr-fucker replied, “To expose ACORN.  I saw them as a thug organization that was getting my tax dollars . . . I want to be a journalist, I had a summer internship with the National Journalism Center . . . and they set me up with a job, but one day I was jogging after work and I saw an ACORN, um, I was like, hmm, you know, I’ve never seen them before, I don’t like them . . . and, um, I came up with the idea, I was, like, what if a prostitute walked into ACORN, had no legal paperwork at all, and wanted a house to set up her business. And I called up O’Keefe because I knew he would be down for something like that . . . we planned for six weeks and we went to Baltimore.”

Hannah could intuitively tell that THRUSH was helping ethnic minorities register to vote; and worse, it was aiding and abetting in the sexual slavery of imaginary Salvadoran children by skinny white co-eds who dropped in on their way to a Halloween party — and exhaustive research only confirmed her telepathy!  “There’s a pattern and, um,… we knew what we were going into. We’d studied ACORN. We didn’t know about them before we came up with the idea, really. And then we studied them. And we learned what they’re about so the way we approached them was, was what got it.”

So there you go.  Faux Ho Hannah and her accomplice, MC Miracle Whip, threw open the drapes and exposed the dirty inner workings of ACME to the harsh light of day; but after a spasm of self-righteous tongue-clucking, the attention of the public has drifted off to fresher hells.  And all the Ho’s down in Hoville cried Boo-Ho-Ho.

The “Pimp and Pro” story, exposing ACORN’s willingness to advise a prostitute on tax evasion and child sex trafficking, hit America a few weeks ago.

Hm, “a prostitute,” eh?  I guess James O’Keefe III was blocking Hannah’s limelight, and she’s given her limp pimp the hook.

There were a myriad number of angles to report, yet the Mainstream Media’s favorite approach seems to be the method in which James O’Keefe and I orchestrated and gathered the information

Illegally, in many cases, but more important are the multiple angles that first grabbed America’s attention.  Let’s review them, and fall in love all over again:

Here’s the ventral exposure…


…and here’s the dorsal angle.

Granted, Hannah’s streetwalker costume is slightly less convincing than Bugs Bunny’s attempts at drag, so if you’re still having trouble getting as excited by the saga as Hannah might hope, just think about this…the fake hooker is the daughter of a  preacher!  Okay, his “church” exists one day at week in the Royal Palm Ballroom (2nd Floor) of a Residence Inn, but still, it’s pretty pervy.

It’s like going fishing, but instead of taking a picture and raving about the 750lb Mako shark you caught, you blather on about the bait that was used.

Sounds like Hannah is talking about her daddy, who is not only a self-described “big game hunter,” but also a “shark master,” so I think we’re safe in adding “Electra Complex” to the other angles.  By the way, I’d never noticed this part of Doug’s bio before:

Doug earned his Bachelor of Fine Arts degree from Texas Tech University and studied for his Master of Arts in Christianity and Culture from Knox Theological Seminary.

Did Doug obtain his ordination from an ad in the back of Kerrang!, just like our local own clergyman, Actor212?  Anyway, back to Hannah…

What happens when people get bored? They stop paying attention.

And Hannah will not be ignored…!

Rather than simply complaining about the MSM’s negligence on the story, here are some loose ends the media ignored, from our footage alone, that warrant attention.


With regard to the children:

• Baltimore- Why no mention of the toddlers that were in the room while James and I were being counseled on how to manage our underage prostitution ring?

Perhaps they belonged to some of the other people who were waiting to speak with a counselor?  Of course, that’s still rather shameful, since their problems could hardly have been as pressing as your hooker fantasy and your illusory prepubescent brothel, or else they would have gotten a sitter.  Or maybe word got around about your interest in child prostitution, and the toddlers were there to apply for work.  Times are tough.

• San Bernardino- The content of this video was largely ignored except for the part where ACORN worker Tresa Kaelke mentions she shot her husband.

Yes, it’s amazing that once it became clear Ms. Kaelke was laughing up her sleeve, the media seemed to lose interest in the many other varied and entertaining ways in which she fucked with you.

What about when she told us not to educate our sex-slaves because they won’t want to work for us? Or when we talked about making money off of clients who would physically abuse the girls? What about the whole transport-the-girls-in-a-school-bus-to-avoid-suspicion discussion?

I agree, Hannah, Ms. Kaelke was hilarious, and it’s all the more remarkable when you realize she improvised the whole thing!  It was like “Whose Line is it Anyway,” except the audience consisted of just two people, and neither one of them got the joke.  Next time you go to the San Bernardino ACORN office masquerading as Bozette the Clown, see if you can get her to do a structure called “Yes/And.”  I think it’ll kill.

Attention to the masses:

Hannah’s Ass is having a Blue Light Special.

• Washington, DC- Why were we counseled by ACORN during a first time homebuyer’s seminar, while 30-40 other first time homebuyers sat crammed in a hot room?

Maybe their internet was down and the counselors couldn’t watch funny cat videos on YouTube, but were still looking for a laugh on their lunch hour.

The political games:

• San Bernardino: What happened to the list of politicians that Ms. Kaelke rattled off when she spoke of her ACORN office’s community involvement and influence? Has anyone set out to uncover just how close these politicians’ relationships are with the San Bernardino ACORN? Does anyone even remember the names?

Don’t you have a copy of the tape?  Why don’t you go investigate these politicians, assuming they exist?  Tell ‘em the Black Widow sent you.

• San Diego: Has anyone questioned why ACORN employee Juan Carlos would want to help smuggle girls across the Mexican border right after an ACORN-sponsored immigration parade???

Hannah, when you get to Girl Reporter School and begin to pursue your dream of becoming a Fox News Talking Wigstand, one of the first things you’ll  learn is that the likelihood of a question being taken seriously is in inverse proportion to the number of question marks you append to it.

I would hate to be known as the journalist

Then I think you can relax.

who never saw the bigger picture, lacked the creativity and ambition to approach a story from a fresh perspective, and contributed to the apathy of an entire nation.

And I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, think every wannabe and professional journalist has the same attitude.

They just lack the gumption and the crotchless panties to get the job done.

Dr. Mike is Jonathon Swift, if Dr. Swift Produced Premium Ham Instead of Satire

Posted by scott on October 28th, 2009

First, I want to thank everyone for the lovely birthday wishes, which are not only warming the heart as we speak, but also providing a soothing balm for my hangover.  Thanks also to Scripto for buying a copy of — I hope you enjoy it (a reader once told us it was “a very effective bathroom book,” which sounds like praise if you don’t pursue it any further).

Second I’d like to apologize for subjecting you all to consecutive Dr. Mike columns, but as I mentioned yesterday, he wrote two this week, and they appear designed to act — stylistically and thematically — as bookends for his anti-PC pasquinade.  The previous column, as you’ll remember, involved Dr. Mike spray painting a rescue cat black to show the African-American community that he’s down with their struggle, then performing vivisection outside the Women’s Resource Center as a means of moral suasion.  Or flirting.

Today, Dr. Mike is really steamed, and asserts that teaching “mostly poor and black” people to cultivate and cook with fresh ingredients is tantamount to cannibalism.

I’m a college professor and you aren’t. That means I’m a lot smarter than you are and I do really important things with my time…Not all that we do here in the university is in the realm of high-level scientific research. We do things in the community, which shows that “hope” and “change” are not just carried out on the national level…we sent students to the Hillcrest Public Housing Community to host a Fall Community Garden Launch

One expert provided herbs and demonstrated how to grow and cook with herbs from the “progressive garden.” Things became officially progressive when an expert discussed tending pesticide-free gardens. One resident was there to cook collards for participants and another donated corn bread. Collards, corn bread, and roasted vegetables were all on the menu and given out free of charge. There hasn’t been so much community since Jesus broke the bread and fed the masses.

I’m not entirely sure why Dr. Mike is so exercised at the thought of public housing residents being shown how to supplement their diets with healthier foods.  Perhaps it’s the callous rejection of pesticides that wounds him.  Or the fact that poor people are being given free food in exchange for attending a presentation.  At any rate, it explains Dr. Mike’s apparent belief that the miracle of the loaves and the fishes was some sort of Food Stamp scam run by a bunch of dusky-skinned Welfare cheats.

Anyway, here was the agenda for the event (from Facebook:  )
“The Hillcrest Public Housing Community and UNCW Public Sociology students will be hosting a Fall Community Garden Launch on Saturday, October 24th from 10-12pm. The garden is located outside the Hillcrest Community Center on 1402 Meares Street. Planted in the garden this year will be collards, broccoli and lettuces.

Co-sponsors and contributors to the event are the Southeastern North Carolina Food Systems Program (SENCFS), Tidal Creek Food Cooperative, Progressive Gardens, A Natural Approach, Shelton Herb Farm, Port City Java, Central Rotary of Wilmington, UNCW College of Arts and Sciences, UNCW Public Service, UNCW Campus Democrats, UNCW ECO Club, and UNCW Campus Christian Fellowship. Two prominent local chefs will demonstrate how to use food from the garden: Keith Rhodes of CATCH and Tripp Engel of Brasserie Du Soleil. Margaret Shelton from Shelton Herb Farms will provide herbs and a demonstration on how to grow and cook with herbs from the garden. Evan Folds from Progressive Gardens will discuss tending pesticide free gardens. Resident Sheila Powell will be cooking collards for participants and Tidal Creek is donating corn bread! Collards, corn bread, and roasted vegetables are on the menu to be given out.”

Aside from a faint impatience, if not distaste, for anyone who isn’t him, Dr. Mike doesn’t seem to care one way or the other about easing hunger in poverty-stricken communities.  But he’s really ticked off that all these micro-agricultural collectives and community food banks didn’t make their food-growing and food-preparation event about abortion.  Or his birthday.  He’s a little irked that black people don’t seem to care about that, either.

That’s why the “progressive garden” day was held on October 24, which is also National “Make a Difference Day.” And that’s why I’m so angry that I wasn’t invited. And, so, I’m declaring this Halloween, the day after my birthday, to be “National Make a Bigger Difference Day.” And I’m going back to the Hillcrest Public Housing Community to celebrate. I’m even going to bring refreshments. They’ll be 100% organic and progressive to boot.

Spoiler Alert:  Soylent Green is people!

I got the idea for my progressive refreshment from an episode of South Park, of all places. Taking a satirical jab at embryonic stem cell research the creators of that offensive little show portrayed Christopher Reeves sitting in his wheelchair chopping up embryos in his blender to make some kind of an energy drink. After drinking a few he got up out of his chair and walked.

The point was effective but, of course, no one would want to do such a thing in real life.

Not that Dr. Mike hasn’t gotten a stiffy thinking about it.

But, of course, aborted fetuses are routinely thrown away without any intention of using them in future scientific research. And I think that’s a real shame. Especially since the aborted fetuses are disproportionally black. It just sends a really bad message.

Dr. Mike’s demands are simple:  Don’t feed black people.  And don’t let them have access to abortion or contraception.  Eventually, famine should take care of the Negro Problem the safe and natural way.

So I have decided in conjunction with a local clinic to use these aborted fetuses for a positive health related purpose. High in protein there really isn’t any reason why these discarded fetuses cannot be used to make energy drinks not unlike the ones created on the satirical South Park episode.

There will be some objections to doing this but most of those objections are simply irrational. For example, some will say that this amounts to cannibalism. That is patently absurd. If a fetus is not human then there is no chance that a human eating a fetus – or just small high-protein portions of a fetus – can be dubbed a “cannibal.”

Dr. Mike totally stole this idea from me!  Last month I pitched a project that would appeal to the Twilight fans, about a group of peaceful, ethical, teenage cannibals who subsist on protein shakes made from liposuctioned fat.

(By the way, sharp-eyed readers will have noticed that D.Sidhe anticipated today’s Dr. Mike column in her response to yesterday’s, when she wrote: “Does he at all understand that “A Modest Proposal” wouldn’t have been satirical at all if we’d all understood that cannibalism was something Swift enjoyed to begin with?”)

Some will say that such a drink would be offensive to the taste or offensive in odor. But this must be considered in light of the fact that collards were served just last Saturday on “progressive gardening day.” Anyone who has ever had collards would be hard-pressed to imagine as strong and bitter-tasting a source of nutrition.

It’ll be like that old Folgers Crystals commercial:  “Here at the Hillcrest Public Housing Community, we’ve taken the fine coffee they normally serve and switched it with Zygote Puree.  Let’s see if they notice…”

It really makes sense for people from my university to go to the housing projects to show mostly poor and black housing residents the techniques of progressive gardening. Freeing them from the use of pesticides is undoubtedly good for their health. But by advocating abortion and the callous discarding of the fetuses of mostly poor and black women we undo much of the good we seek to accomplish.

I didn’t see “advocating abortion” on the agenda, but it probably came between the “cooking with herbs” seminar and the pesticide-free gardening tips.  It usually does.

But under my plan we can turn what some would say is a Holocaust into a way of promoting the health of our weakest and most vulnerable citizens. It’s just my way of being progressive and giving back to the community.

I don’t know if this can actually be described as “giving back to the community,” Dr. Mike, unless what the community is giving you is a ton of worthless bullshit.  Which, now that I think of it, kind of makes sense; given your prolific output, you can’t possibly be pulling all of this stuff out of your own ass.

Happy Birthday to Me! And, uh…Dr. Mike Adams

Posted by scott on October 27th, 2009

MyPenileBuddy.jpg It seems Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D and I share more than an interest in sociopathy — although mine is a purely morbid fascination, while Dr. Mike’s studies appear focused on ergonomics, striving to deliver more obnoxious self-aggrandizement and bombastic piety, more efficiently — we’re both having a birthday this week.  Today is mine, Friday is Dr. Mike’s, and we’ve also both chosen to celebrate in similar ways; Dr. Mike is boring holes in the heads of kittens so PETA will stop caring about animals and start breaking into Planned Parenthood clinics and setting the fetuses free, and I’m reading about it.  In retrospect, I think we both would have been better off just going to Farrell’s.

Over at Townhall, the professor has been especially busy, with two new columns on the front page.  Each is written in Dr. Mike’s favored epistolary style — a literary device he borrowed from the early 17th century, along with his racial views — and addressed to people who are kept blissfully ignorant of Dr. Mike’s existence by the saintly intercession of their Gmail spam filters

Felines, Nothing More than Felines

Dear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals:

This Friday, I will turn 45 years old.

Thank heavens the co-eds I hit on in my Freshman survey class are still 18.

I’m planning to celebrate my birthday by arranging a small demonstration in front of Randall Library on the campus of The University of North Carolina at Wilmington. I realize this is short notice but I need a favor. Since we’re old friends I figured you could do this for me as an early birthday gift.

If Dr. Mike isn’t careful, Joseph Farah is going to break down his door and make a citizen’s arrest for attempted irony.

I’m looking for three cats that have been discarded by their owners because they were either unable to afford them or because they were just generally inconvenienced by them.

Not to spoil the reveal, but in Dr. Mike’s little slice of commedia dell’arte, “cat owners” = “pregnant women.”

It is my preference that you provide me with two white cats and one black cat. If you cannot accommodate me I would ask that you also provide me with spray paint – the kind your members spray on women wearing mink coats. For example, if you can only provide three white cats I will want to spay paint one of them black. I’ll explain that later.

The suspense is killing me.

I intend to take the three cats over to Randall Library at about ten in the morning. The Women’s Resource Center is located in Randall. I will call their staff beforehand and ask them to meet me out front.

Dude, this is a long way to go to get some girls to talk to you. Can’t you just stand outside the Women’s Resource Center holding a boombox over your head?

I can supply all of the other materials needed for the demonstration: a Black & Decker drill, an industrial vacuum cleaner, two clipboards, two pencils, and some paper. I might also need a water hose and three plastic garbage bags.

I hate these prop comics.

By now you may have guessed that it is my intention to perform – on all three cats – a procedure similar to “partial birth abortion.” I will use my Black & Decker drill to make a hole in the head of each cat, which will be large enough to accommodate the hose of an industrial vacuum cleaner. I will then use the vacuum to remove the brain matter from all three cats. Just as in “partial birth abortion” no anesthesia will be used on the object of the procedure.

Well, intact dilation and extraction is most often used on dead fetuses, so I presume this means you’re not going to anesthetize the cat owners?

I understand that you may object to this demonstration as being illegal. But that objection does not have merit coming from you.

If these girls won’t go on a date with Dr. Mike to see Hostel, then he’s just gonna have to bring Hostel to them.  He’s a Ph.D, after all, and critical thinking is his specialty.

Nor will the Women’s Resource Center be able to object on the basis of the illegality of my conduct. In March, they displayed pictures of nude children in Randall Library. People raised legal objections to the public display of pictures showing the breasts and pubic hair of these children.

There’s no difference between art and pornography.  At least, not in North Carolina.

The feminist rebuttal was a simple First Amendment claim. Now, I’m claiming a right under the constitution to terminate life by removing brain matter.

Cleverly, Dr. Mike has chosen the one method of execution to which he himself is not vulnerable.

After this little demonstration is over I will use the two clipboards…One will be used to sign students up for the student PETA chapter at UNC-Wilmington. The other will be used to sign students up for the student pro-life chapter at UNC-Wilmington. It will be very interesting to see which organization gains the most members in response to the demonstration.

While there’s not a chance in hell Dr. Mike would ever go through with his lovingly detailed fantasy, I’m sure he’s given it some very serious consideration.  Not only would it make a political statement of some sort, and make women go “Ewwww!” without being shown his penis, but it would also allow him to kill and mutilate animals without going to all the trouble of driving out to a “game ranch” and paying some guy for the privilege of shooting a faun execution style.

The Black Student Union might even want to recruit students at this event. After all, the one black cat is a symbol of the fact that 1/3 of those aborted in America are black. This is despite the fact that blacks are only 1/8 of the total population.

Despite a history of racial inflammatory comments, I believe Dr. Mike is sincerely concerned with the welfare of the Black community, so long as they’re in utero.

Finally, I will use the water hose and three plastic garbage bags to clean up any mess I might have made. I hope there will be no lasting trauma following my demonstration. After all, they are only cats. It’s isn’t like they’re human beings.

During the whole Kevin Jennings controversy, I found myself wondering what Dr. Mike’s office hours were like.  I imagine if a troubled young man came to him, saying, for instance, “I’m obsessed with this girl who doesn’t know I exist, and it’s affecting my class work,” Dr. Mike would calmly counsel him to “try and get the young lady’s attention by mutilating some cats.  If that doesn’t work, she’s probably a lesbian.”  But first Dr. Mike would report the student to the police for statutory rape, because that’s how a responsible educator handles these things.

No I’m going to go buy myself a cupcake.

Dr. Farah’s Snake Oil Liniment

Posted by scott on October 26th, 2009

World Net Daily spent all last week trumpeting a story about how the Council on American-Islamic Relations planted Muslims on Capitol Hill, disguised as human interns.  This shocking fact was brought to the attention of the American people when Representatives John Shadegg (R-AZ), Paul Broun (R-GA) and Sue Myrick (R-NC) called a press conference to reveal the conspiracy, and to demand that the Sergeant-at-Arms develop a test to determine which, if any, House interns are secretly Cylons.  The distinguished members apparently discovered the plot while reading a new book entitled “Muslim Mafia,” published — in a bizarre coincidence — by World Net Daily.  The revelations must have come as a particularly nasty shock to Rep. Myrick, who wrote the Foreward to the book under the impression it was an exposé of organized crime and its traffic in fancy linens.


And given that WND has brought us tomes by Vox Day, Jerome Corsi, and those “Help, Mom! There’s [a racial/sexual minority] in my [alliterative storage unit]” books, there’s no question about the author’s veracity.  Really.  No question at all.


But when WND’s Congressional proxies were slow to follow up (it was a week before the glow of their panicky press conference wore off, and they remembered to actually go ahead and request that investigation they were calling for in front of the cameras), the story petered out, and Editor-in-Chief Joseph Farah was forced to leap on the Anita Dunn-Mao Zedong love affair.

What does it say about Barack Obama and his devout supporters that his White House communications director is a big fan of Mao Zedong?

Maybe it was a miscommunication (which I grant you, would be ironic) and she thought he was a porn star?  Sort of the Asian Long Dong Silver?  There’s a judicial precedent.

I know. I know. She said her two favorite philosophers were Mao and Mother Teresa. How’s that for moral and intellectual disconnect?

It’s almost like her mind can cope with two opposing viewpoints.  That way lies madness!

Did you ever think you would hear those two names mentioned in the same breath?

It’s almost as crazy as saying Adolph Hitler and Barack Obama without breathing in between.  Remember kids, the key to drawing an outrageous contrast is breath control — it’s like playing the clarinet.

Were there two people in the history of the world more opposite that Mother Teresa and Mao?

Felix and Oscar?

One devoted herself to saving lives. The other devoted himself to taking them.

Can they get along, without driving each other crazy?

Welcome to the strange world of Anita Dunn, Obama’s self-proclaimed media controller.


Anita Dunn, in undated file photo.

For those of you who missed her practically incoherent speech last June on this topic, I invite you to watch it, courtesy of Fox News Channel’s Glenn Beck.

Who has a Masters degree from Walla Walla College in Incoherent Speech Communications.

I want you to try to imagine what would happen to anyone who rose to the rank of White House communications director who suggested her favorite philosopher was Adolf Hitler.

Got the picture in your mind?  Good.  Now try to imagine it’s someone other than Karl Rove.

[K]eep in mind, when it comes to mass extermination of human beings, Mao makes Hitler look like a piker by comparison.

Mao is considered the greatest mass murderer of all time – killing between 70 million and 100 million people, mostly his own.

That’s why Hitler gets all the credit.  Say you were the highest scorer in the history of soccer, but they were all own-goals — you’d get a big fat asterisk next to your name in the record books, wouldn’t you?

Dunn insists now her speech was meant to be ironic.

And the right bloggers don’t do irony, because out of context remarks, taken literally, provide them with most of their material.  They do, however, have a firm grasp of heavy, schoolyard sarcasm.

Again, I leave it to you to judge whether a sense of “irony” would excuse a public official from making such a statement substituting the name Hitler for Mao.

Well, she didn’t, so to quote Crow T. Robot, “Don’t hurt yourself thinking about it!”

I can’t believe America is so fat, lazy, stupid and immoral that it could be conned by such a pathetic rank amateur.

…while Joe is barely getting by with his ads for electronic stomach toners, “secret” martial arts techniques, crisis seed banks, and home high colonic kits.  You know friends…Life was sure a whole lot simpler when you could just put opium, grain alcohol, or cocaine in the product.

Welcome to the Graveyard of Google

Posted by scott on October 24th, 2009

Over the years, we here at World O’ Crap have discussed a remarkable breadth of topics — mostly involving boners — which have attracted search engine queries from interlocutors of equally varied interests.  Although mostly they’re just wondering about boners.  And so, as a public service, we would like to pause briefly to address the Top 10 Search Strings bringing the curious and the bewildered to our doorstep.

1.  Albino nipples:  Wow.  I was hoping to warm up with a few softballs first, but okay, let’s dive right into the big issues.  I feel a bit handicapped because our Googler didn’t phrase it in the form of a question, so I’m not sure if he’s worried about albino nipples, or just sort of musing about them in a casual way.  Clearly he or she is concerned enough about pigment-free teats to consult the internet, but I confess I may not be the best person to counsel them, having never seen a topless albino.  Part of me wonders if their nipples are bright pink, like the nose of a white rabbit.  Or perhaps their areolae are as colorless as the rest of their skin, so they come across as sort of ghost nipples, only visible when they become erect and cast a shadow.

I hope that put your mind at ease, Googler.

Our next question comes to us by way of Bing.

2.  Is Hugh Hewitt an asshole:  Now here we have the opposite problem, because even though our interlocutor has phrased his search in the form of a question, this is technically a declarative sentence.

3.  monkey notes on General Lee in the civil war:  As most serious scholars of the Late Unpleasantness know, Robert E. Lee was a man tormented by conflicting loyalties — doubting the wisdom and legality of Secession, yet feeling duty-bound to serve and defend his native state.  Having accepted command of the Army of Northern Virginia, he naturally kept any qualms to himself, confiding only in Cocoa, the Regimental monkey.  Cocoa was discreet, but he wrote frankly of their conversations in letters home to his wife:
(From Ken Burns’ Civil War)  “My Dearest Bubbles,
It has been a long while since I have had the opportunity to write to you, my dearest, and I gladly avail myself of what little time I can snatch away to pen these few poor lines and let you know that I am yet among the living.  The war drags on, and I fear it does not go well for us.  I have seen too much blood, heard too many mournful cries, and flung too many feces to think any different, and my heart is heavy with it.  The general’s beard is white as newly-fallen snow now, and his brow is furrowed like the rich and fertile fields of home.  He seems exhausted by woe, and the burdens of command, and he grows thinner by the day — many a repast he leaves his mealworms and fruit rinds untouched.  Oh how I long to leave the sounds of clashing saber and the booming cannonade behind; to hold you in my arms once more and rock you gently while depending from the roof of our cage by my prehensile tail.
As ever your loving and devoted Husband, Cocoa the Monk.

4.  Do bats crap out of their mouths?  No, young Googler, that’s physically impossible for any species that isn’t Glenn Beck.

5.  Birthdays on Uranus:  This isn’t a particularly popular party venue, since the average temperature of 49° Kelvin and the atmosphere of frozen helium and methane pretty much limit your entertainment options to a sheet cake at the bowling alley.

6.  pain lovers guy cuts of dick:  Well, as cuts of meat go, it’s not USDA Prime, but it’s fine if you’re making Sloppy Joes.  And I suppose you could always toss it in with a little Hamburger Helper.  The important thing is, in these tough economic times, we’ve got to stretch our food dollar as well as our dick.  Which brings us to our next question…

7.  can the penis be lengthened with pigskin:  Not according to my spam, but I see no reason why this wouldn’t work, so long as A.) you have a local butcher willing to skin a pig for you without asking too many questions, and B.) your penis doesn’t keep kosher.

8.  nude lady sitting on elephant tAKING A CRAP:  I assume the odd emphasis means the need came upon her quite suddenly and urgently, leaving her insufficient time to pull into a rest stop, or even dismount.  This does not, however, explain why she was riding an elephant in the nude.  Perhaps nowadays jodhpurs are frowned upon as relics of imperialism, or maybe it was just a particularly zany episode of The Amazing Race.  All I know is, if she was a nude albino sitting on elephant tAKING A CRAP, we could at least answer Question #1.

9.  World wide Toilet rankings:  Most popular — Japan’s famously high tech crappers.


Least popular — top of an elephant.

10.  man putting a class in his ass:  To be honest, I’m just not sure what the answer here is — now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go get the professor to sign my drop slip.

UPDATE:   ckc suggested we leave a few unanswered questions for the commentariat to deal with, which strikes me as an excellent notion, and a very green-minded way of harnessing all the wit and wisdom you people freely generate.  So from now on, this will be an Open Source project, and I have appended a few queries I didn’t have the nerve to tackle.  Like the questions above, these are all actual search strings I lifted verbatim from the referrer logs.  Have at it.

1.  Batman bdsm

2.  tinkerbell butch bad blog

3.  driftwood nude

4.  die liberal scum channel

5.  how to pimp out your daughter

Shoes For Industry!

Posted by scott on October 23rd, 2009

Chesterfield.jpg Our apologies to anyone who’s been experiencing slow-loading or timeouts with Wo’C lately (we certainly have).  Our host has moved us to a different server, although he still insists on seating us next to Peggy Noonan, which means I’ll have to find one of those plastic ponchos people wear at Gallagher shows if I don’t want to wind up smelling like second-hand Gin Rickey before the cheese course.  Still, the blog seems to be a bit zippier now.

So let’s get back to work and out-produce the Taliban!  Remember, there’s a war on, and for every plane, tank, or comfort capsule we produce, the Afghans produce two tons of opium, which I’m pretty sure is where all that money you ought to be putting into War Bonds is actually going.