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Archive for October 28th, 2009

Dr. Mike is Jonathon Swift, if Dr. Swift Produced Premium Ham Instead of Satire

Posted by scott on October 28th, 2009

First, I want to thank everyone for the lovely birthday wishes, which are not only warming the heart as we speak, but also providing a soothing balm for my hangover.  Thanks also to Scripto for buying a copy of — I hope you enjoy it (a reader once told us it was “a very effective bathroom book,” which sounds like praise if you don’t pursue it any further).

Second I’d like to apologize for subjecting you all to consecutive Dr. Mike columns, but as I mentioned yesterday, he wrote two this week, and they appear designed to act — stylistically and thematically — as bookends for his anti-PC pasquinade.  The previous column, as you’ll remember, involved Dr. Mike spray painting a rescue cat black to show the African-American community that he’s down with their struggle, then performing vivisection outside the Women’s Resource Center as a means of moral suasion.  Or flirting.

Today, Dr. Mike is really steamed, and asserts that teaching “mostly poor and black” people to cultivate and cook with fresh ingredients is tantamount to cannibalism.

I’m a college professor and you aren’t. That means I’m a lot smarter than you are and I do really important things with my time…Not all that we do here in the university is in the realm of high-level scientific research. We do things in the community, which shows that “hope” and “change” are not just carried out on the national level…we sent students to the Hillcrest Public Housing Community to host a Fall Community Garden Launch

One expert provided herbs and demonstrated how to grow and cook with herbs from the “progressive garden.” Things became officially progressive when an expert discussed tending pesticide-free gardens. One resident was there to cook collards for participants and another donated corn bread. Collards, corn bread, and roasted vegetables were all on the menu and given out free of charge. There hasn’t been so much community since Jesus broke the bread and fed the masses.

I’m not entirely sure why Dr. Mike is so exercised at the thought of public housing residents being shown how to supplement their diets with healthier foods.  Perhaps it’s the callous rejection of pesticides that wounds him.  Or the fact that poor people are being given free food in exchange for attending a presentation.  At any rate, it explains Dr. Mike’s apparent belief that the miracle of the loaves and the fishes was some sort of Food Stamp scam run by a bunch of dusky-skinned Welfare cheats.

Anyway, here was the agenda for the event (from Facebook:  )
“The Hillcrest Public Housing Community and UNCW Public Sociology students will be hosting a Fall Community Garden Launch on Saturday, October 24th from 10-12pm. The garden is located outside the Hillcrest Community Center on 1402 Meares Street. Planted in the garden this year will be collards, broccoli and lettuces.

Co-sponsors and contributors to the event are the Southeastern North Carolina Food Systems Program (SENCFS), Tidal Creek Food Cooperative, Progressive Gardens, A Natural Approach, Shelton Herb Farm, Port City Java, Central Rotary of Wilmington, UNCW College of Arts and Sciences, UNCW Public Service, UNCW Campus Democrats, UNCW ECO Club, and UNCW Campus Christian Fellowship. Two prominent local chefs will demonstrate how to use food from the garden: Keith Rhodes of CATCH and Tripp Engel of Brasserie Du Soleil. Margaret Shelton from Shelton Herb Farms will provide herbs and a demonstration on how to grow and cook with herbs from the garden. Evan Folds from Progressive Gardens will discuss tending pesticide free gardens. Resident Sheila Powell will be cooking collards for participants and Tidal Creek is donating corn bread! Collards, corn bread, and roasted vegetables are on the menu to be given out.”

Aside from a faint impatience, if not distaste, for anyone who isn’t him, Dr. Mike doesn’t seem to care one way or the other about easing hunger in poverty-stricken communities.  But he’s really ticked off that all these micro-agricultural collectives and community food banks didn’t make their food-growing and food-preparation event about abortion.  Or his birthday.  He’s a little irked that black people don’t seem to care about that, either.

That’s why the “progressive garden” day was held on October 24, which is also National “Make a Difference Day.” And that’s why I’m so angry that I wasn’t invited. And, so, I’m declaring this Halloween, the day after my birthday, to be “National Make a Bigger Difference Day.” And I’m going back to the Hillcrest Public Housing Community to celebrate. I’m even going to bring refreshments. They’ll be 100% organic and progressive to boot.

Spoiler Alert:  Soylent Green is people!

I got the idea for my progressive refreshment from an episode of South Park, of all places. Taking a satirical jab at embryonic stem cell research the creators of that offensive little show portrayed Christopher Reeves sitting in his wheelchair chopping up embryos in his blender to make some kind of an energy drink. After drinking a few he got up out of his chair and walked.

The point was effective but, of course, no one would want to do such a thing in real life.

Not that Dr. Mike hasn’t gotten a stiffy thinking about it.

But, of course, aborted fetuses are routinely thrown away without any intention of using them in future scientific research. And I think that’s a real shame. Especially since the aborted fetuses are disproportionally black. It just sends a really bad message.

Dr. Mike’s demands are simple:  Don’t feed black people.  And don’t let them have access to abortion or contraception.  Eventually, famine should take care of the Negro Problem the safe and natural way.

So I have decided in conjunction with a local clinic to use these aborted fetuses for a positive health related purpose. High in protein there really isn’t any reason why these discarded fetuses cannot be used to make energy drinks not unlike the ones created on the satirical South Park episode.

There will be some objections to doing this but most of those objections are simply irrational. For example, some will say that this amounts to cannibalism. That is patently absurd. If a fetus is not human then there is no chance that a human eating a fetus – or just small high-protein portions of a fetus – can be dubbed a “cannibal.”

Dr. Mike totally stole this idea from me!  Last month I pitched a project that would appeal to the Twilight fans, about a group of peaceful, ethical, teenage cannibals who subsist on protein shakes made from liposuctioned fat.

(By the way, sharp-eyed readers will have noticed that D.Sidhe anticipated today’s Dr. Mike column in her response to yesterday’s, when she wrote: “Does he at all understand that “A Modest Proposal” wouldn’t have been satirical at all if we’d all understood that cannibalism was something Swift enjoyed to begin with?”)

Some will say that such a drink would be offensive to the taste or offensive in odor. But this must be considered in light of the fact that collards were served just last Saturday on “progressive gardening day.” Anyone who has ever had collards would be hard-pressed to imagine as strong and bitter-tasting a source of nutrition.

It’ll be like that old Folgers Crystals commercial:  “Here at the Hillcrest Public Housing Community, we’ve taken the fine coffee they normally serve and switched it with Zygote Puree.  Let’s see if they notice…”

It really makes sense for people from my university to go to the housing projects to show mostly poor and black housing residents the techniques of progressive gardening. Freeing them from the use of pesticides is undoubtedly good for their health. But by advocating abortion and the callous discarding of the fetuses of mostly poor and black women we undo much of the good we seek to accomplish.

I didn’t see “advocating abortion” on the agenda, but it probably came between the “cooking with herbs” seminar and the pesticide-free gardening tips.  It usually does.

But under my plan we can turn what some would say is a Holocaust into a way of promoting the health of our weakest and most vulnerable citizens. It’s just my way of being progressive and giving back to the community.

I don’t know if this can actually be described as “giving back to the community,” Dr. Mike, unless what the community is giving you is a ton of worthless bullshit.  Which, now that I think of it, kind of makes sense; given your prolific output, you can’t possibly be pulling all of this stuff out of your own ass.