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Archive for October, 2008

NOW You Come Crawling Back To The Swank!

Posted by scott on October 31st, 2008

swankhead.jpg I said all along B. Hussein = Muslim

Recently, fans of Pastor Swank have noticed a reduction in his once prodigious output of punditry.  Some suspected that the pastor had vanished from his usual online haunts because he was now spending most of his time ministering to the large, if hallucinated flock who each Sunday fill his imaginary church.  Others feared he had wandered naked into the desert and choked on a locust, while still others blamed the pastor’s diminished harvest on a successful, if long overdue, adjustment in his medications.

Unfortunately, the truth is far more sinister.  For just as Sarah Palin’s enemies are trying to strip the governor of her First Amendment right to tell lies by pointing out when she’s lying, so-called “conservative” websites have been attempting to gag Pastor Swank.  But the truth will out!  If not through the mouth, then through some other orifice, but the important thing is, he was right, you were wrong, and now the humble clergyman invites you to Suck It.

When I first warned months ago that B. Hussein Obama is a mask Muslim, sites refused to post my columns, except for one particularly bold and courageous one.

That would be World O’Crap, which has a long and courageous history of passing on anything that leaps from the pastor’s febrile cranium.

I have continued to repeat the litany with multitudinous evidences. Various conservative sites have still refused to post those columns.

Not only have the housing market and most major financial institutions collapsed, but apparently the Crazy bubble has finally popped too.  Remember when you could fire up your browser and find four, five, six new columns a day by Pastor Swank?  We thought those days would never end…

Now it is quite the posh topic throughout the Internet to state that B. Hussein and wife are into the Muslim camp. Their profession of being “Christian” is a hoax. They are not that for they refute every Christ ethic in Scripture.

I know how Swank feels.  It’s like when you discover a cool new band playing some local toilet, and you talk ‘em up to your friends, and go to all their shows, and buy the t-shirts and the CD with the ugly hand-drawn cover art, and then they hit it big with the one really pop song on the album — the one you really couldn’t stand — and you turn around and suddenly they’re on Letterman, and their hit song appears on a movie soundtrack, and some soft drink company uses it in a commercial, and now when you tell people how much you dug that rocking little band with the grit and soul and most of all, integrity, they look at you like you just pledged your love to Hannah Montana.  Listen, Newbie Come Latelys, Swank was into calling the Obamas muslims when muslim-calling wasn’t cool.  That was some edgy shit in those days!

They, for instance, enthusiastically support killing womb infants as well as sodomy recognized as “marriage,” though they double-talk on the latter.

Yeah, now people give a crap, with days to go before the election.  But where were all these bandwagon-jumpers when Swank first warned about the Obamas’ plans to misuse their marriage bed by practicing a form of sodomy so powerful it would kill womb infants?!

Too many conservative sites, deriding political correctness, followed it to the letter.

Now we have the Muslim youngun coming to the fore as the potential President of the most powerful nation on Earth. That is horrendous considering that we are still so near 9 / 11. How quickly fickle voters forget.

While we’re on the subject, I notice Obama is now “the youngun” instead of “The Boy,” so I guess not everyone is immune to political correctness, eh Pastor?  Hmmm?

For the mob hysteriacs, they don’t read. They don’t heed. They could sweep this Republic enemy into office. If so, good-bye America, hello Arabs.

Wait…Pastor Swank is defecting to the Saudis?

Now with that last sentence in particular, you will note that various conservative sites refuse this column. In fact, you will not note that for this column will not come to your attention due to that very cowardly fact.

In fact, you’re not even reading this!  And he’s not really a pastor! (since, as Doghouse Riley pointed out once, there doesn’t actually appear to be a “New Hope Church” in Windham, Maine, although the town does boast 65 registered sex offenders.  Not that I’m suggesting a parallel.  It’s just one of those statistics that kind of leap out from a page that’s otherwise concerned with civic boosterism.)  Anyway, ask your doctor if Clozapine is right for you.

Nevertheless, I am a Christian. I believe the Bible to be divine revelation; therefore, I take its curses and blessings passages most seriously.

The Bible states emphatically that God does not forsake his righteous remnant. Instead, He defends them. That means that if the ungodly get into office in the White House and Congress, God will defend His grace children while at the same time bring His wrath upon the disobedient.

Great.  Not only do Catholic kids have to worry about God watching them while they masturbate, now they’ve got to try to negotiate a butterfly ballot while He’s peering over their shoulder in the voting booth!

President George W. Bush did two terrible acts in the last several years. First, he placed the Koran in the White House library with great aplomb.  [...] That Koran should have never been placed in the White House. A curse has settled upon that domain.

Not only is this grim news for America, it’s also the plot of National Treasure 3.

Christians who are truly genuine Bible disciples have been betrayed by Bush who claimed to be “one of us.” In that betrayal he gave ground to paving the way for the mask Muslim B.. Hussein and entourage to enter the White House powers.

Not only that, but Bush also told B. Hussein that if you rocket jump through the trap door in the ceiling of the Vermeil Room, there’s a ledge on left side with Power Ups and extra Armor.

Happy Halloween!

Posted by scott on October 31st, 2008

Fun, Do It Yourself costume ideas from our friends at Mystery Science Theater:

Non-fun, totally unappreciated costume ideas from our ex-friends, The Cats:

moondoggiechicken.jpg  rileyspines.jpg

Ex-Beauty Queen’s Got A Gun!

Posted by Maryc on October 30th, 2008

Julie Brown updates a song from the Reagan Era for a new generation of horrifyingly stupid but gosh-darned folksy conservatives:

“There Is No Spoon”…”Then What’s That Stuck Up Your Nose?”

Posted by scott on October 29th, 2008


Dennis Prager really doesn’t understand Obama’s campaign themes.  “Yes We Can” isn’t a slogan, it’s a sentence fragment; “Hope” is a thing with feathers, and thus really ought to be getting shot by Dick Cheney rather than driving a presidential race; and as for this inchoate yearning for “Change,” it implies the fanciful, if not insane notion that there is room for improvement in this, the best of all possible worlds.

Of course, Obama himself often has spoken about the overriding need for change from eight years of President George W. Bush’s policies. But this is not what he or most of his supporters really mean when they talk about change. In fact, it cannot be. This is easy to show: All candidates for president run on a platform of change from the party in power. If they don’t stand for change, why vote for them?

By this reasoning, when Obama uses the word “change,” it is not an exhortation, but a request.   In other words, he’s panhandling, and if you give him any loose coins you may have he’ll only use it to buy drugs, fortified wine, and TV advertising time in West Virginia.

What Barack Obama is tapping into with the word “change” is nearly eight years of the left’s constructing a description of an America that has been made so awful that “change” means changing America, not just changing policies.

The truth is that aside from the Iraq war, which is turning out to be quite successful…

In fact, we’re thinking of turning it into a chain.  We’ve already had inquiries from potential franchisees in Iran, Syria, and Venezuela.

…George W. Bush’s policies have not been particularly controversial or even particularly right-wing.

Dennis voted for Fascism and all he got was this lousy Authoritarian t-shirt. And a foam rubber Corporatist drink caddy.

The left, from The New York Times to MoveOn.org, has led itself and others to believe that:

–George W. Bush lied America into war.

–Tens of thousands of Iraqis and more than 4,000 Americans have been killed in a war waged in order to line the pockets of Vice President Dick Cheney’s friends.

–The Constitution has been trampled on.

–America has become a torturing country.

–America’s poor have become far more numerous and far more downtrodden.

–American troops in Iraq repeatedly have engaged in atrocities against innocent civilians.

–The opportunity for economic self-improvement has ceased for most Americans.

–Racism is endemic to American society.

–Republican rallies are hate-fests.

–John McCain has run a racist campaign against Barack Obama.

–Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, is a religious zealot and an idiot.

–Christian fundamentalists are on the verge of taking over America and turning it into a theocracy.

–The world is getting closer and closer to catastrophic and irreversible damage caused by human beings; and George W. Bush and energy interests are standing in the way of preventing universal destruction.

–America is on the road to fascism.

Now, as it happens, none of those things is true. But the left believes them all.

Poor, deluded Left.  I think we can best understand their plight by revisiting the parable of the Blind Men and the Elephant.  Six sightless men were asked to describe an elephant, after each had touched a different part of the animal.  The man who felt the leg said the beast is like a pillar; the one who felt the tail said it resembles a rope; the one who touched the trunk said an elephant is like the branch of a mighty tree; the one who felt the tusk said the creature is like a plough, while the last man, named Dennis, ran his hands over the wide flanks of the elephant and said, “What the hell are you idiots talking about?  There’s nothing there, I didn’t feel a thing!

Anyway, while there are pro- and anti-American areas of the nation, there aren’t enough fake Americans to outvote the real Americans, and yet somehow Obama is winning.  So clearly some tricksyness is involved.

Of course, many Americans who do not consider themselves leftist also will vote for Barack Obama and left-wing Democratic congressional candidates. They do so because they are lifelong Democrats who do not realize how far left their party has strayed and think they still are voting for the party of Truman and JFK…

…or Martin van Buren and William Jennings Bryan…

…or because they personally benefit from Democratic largesse (e.g., government workers)

Under hardnosed, fiscally conservative Republican administrations, Cabinet-level agencies are staffed entirely by volunteers — usually Rotarians or Oddfellows who give up their weekends to run the  Department of Commerce, or Homeland Security, although a lot of the higher level positions at the Department of Justice and the Treasury are filled by people who are working off Community Service sentences, and most of our ambassadors are unpaid college interns who are just trying to earn a little course credit.  The only paid staffers work at the Department of Agriculture, but they’re mostly day laborers.

…or because they are active in their unions; or because they have come to believe the media and the Democrats, who have been telling them for almost a decade about how George W. Bush and the Republicans have ruined their country.

Which is totally unfair, because it didn’t take a decade.  It didn’t even take two terms.

But as for the left, it lives in a bubble of its making. That is why most leftists live in places where nearly everyone shares their fantasies — bubbles such as Manhattan, San Francisco, Boston, the west side of Los Angeles, and the most hermetically sealed of the bubbles: universities. They interact almost only with other people who share their fantasy world of America Made Bad.

I wondered why it was getting so crowded in here.  Look!  People!  The whole country can’t fit inside my bubble!  Can’t some of you real Americans go back out to Reality and keep Dennis company?

From Karl Marx to today’s Democratic Party…

Oops, sorry.  This isn’t actually a column, it’s apparently a pledge drive to raise money for Dennis’ thorazine.  Boy, don’t I feel the perfect ass.

First of all, I’d like to thank everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes; they were much appreciated.  And I’d especially like to thank s.z. for the lovely tribute, and a photo which was not only thoughtful and appropriate, but also — according to our sitemeter stats — irresistible to that portion of the online community who spent yesterday searching Google Images for “nude albino Ann Coulter”+”nipples and muttonchops.”

I gave myself the gift of a wingnut free day, but it’s Tuesday morning, which means that Jonah Goldberg has washed down a bran muffin with a glass of Kool-Aid, and passed his latest column.


Obama prefers the word “progressive” to “liberal” because it makes it sound like he’s shedding old liberal ideas.

Or because it’s been regarded as a curse ever since Reagan began referring with mock horror to “the L-Word” (a term that has lately and proudly been reclaimed by fake TV lesbians) or twisted into its own antonym by vandals who gleefully egg and TP the language until oxymorons like “Liberal Fascism” are considered suitable book titles, rather than evidence of aphasia.

America first encountered the vision Obama espouses under Woodrow Wilson, the first progressive president, and the first to openly disparage the U.S. Constitution as a hindrance to enlightened government.

Yes, in those quaint, bygone days, our founding document was actually considered a “hindrance” to unfettered government action, as opposed to today’s more sophisticated view of the Constitution as a novelty doormat.

In a vital essay in the current Claremont Review of Books, Charles Kesler notes that Obama mentions Franklin Roosevelt in his book, “The Audacity of Hope,” more times than any living Democratic politician.

Huh?  What the hell has a leader like FDR got to do with hope?

That’s not surprising, given that FDR — a veteran of the Wilson administration — carried the progressive vision of government much further than Wilson himself.

As Wilson’s Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Roosevelt singlehandedly turned the entire service into an anarcho-syndicalist collective.

In 1944, FDR proposed updating the Bill of Rights with a new “economic bill of rights” that would define freedom not as liberty from government intrusion but as the possession of goodies provided by government.

You tell ‘em, Jonah.  Can you believe this list of goodies Roosevelt was throwing around like a drunken Mardi Gras krewe pitching beads at a bunch of bare-breasted co-eds?

The right to a useful and remunerative job in the industries or shops or farms or mines of the nation;

The right to earn enough to provide adequate food and clothing and recreation;

The right of every farmer to raise and sell his products at a return which will give him and his family a decent living;

The right of every businessman, large and small, to trade in an atmosphere of freedom from unfair competition and domination by monopolies at home or abroad;

The right of every family to a decent home;

The right to adequate medical care and the opportunity to achieve and enjoy good health;

The right to adequate protection from the economic fears of old age, sickness, accident, and unemployment;

The right to a good education.

All of these rights spell security. And after this war is won we must be prepared to move forward, in the implementation of these rights, to new goals of human happiness and well-being.

Supporting Medicare, public schools, and anti-trust laws with tax dollars is the moral equivalent of Nancy Pelosi driving around in a Hummer and passing out free iPods.  But back to Jonah:

“Necessitous men are not free men,” FDR proclaimed.

Quoted, actually.  “Necessitous men,” says the Lord Chancellor, in Vernon v Bethell, 2 Eden 113 (1762), “are not, truly speaking, free men; but, to answer a present emergency, will submit to any terms that the crafty may impose on them.”  Which makes it even worse, because we’re this close to electing a man who’s in secret thrall to 18th century Soviet commissars!  Not to mention terrorists, which Jonah actually does mention because he’s got a checklist to get through.  So he also gifts us with yet another citation of William Ayers, a man who — though Obama doesn’t condone his actions in the 1960s — nonetheless helped the future Senator to terrorize public education by bombing the Chicago school system with reform.  But Jonah saves his precious wind for the big finish — rearranging the words and meanings of that old Obama radio interview until it resembles a Scrabble match played by four Pentecostals in the grip of glossolalia.

First, let’s look at what Obama actually said (via Political Animal), the better to appreciate Jonah’s lexigraphical legerdemain.

Obama in that interview said, “If you look at the victories and failures of the civil rights movement, and its litigation strategy in the court, I think where it succeeded was to vest formal rights in previously dispossessed peoples, so that I would now have the right to vote, I would now be able to sit at a lunch counter and order and as long as I could pay for it I’d be okay.”

“But,” Obama said, “The Supreme Court never ventured into the issues of redistribution of wealth and sort of more basic issues of political and economic justice in this society. And to that extent as radical as I think people tried to characterize the Warren Court, it wasn’t that radical. It didn’t break free from the essential constraints that were placed by the founding fathers in the Constitution, as least as it’s been interpreted, and Warren Court interpreted in the same way that generally the Constitution is a charter of negative liberties, says what the states can’t do to you, says what the federal government can’t do to you, but it doesn’t say what the federal government or the state government must do on your behalf. And that hasn’t shifted.”

Obama said “one of the, I think, the tragedies of the civil rights movement, was because the civil rights movement became so court focused, I think that there was a tendency to lose track of the political and community organizing activities on the ground that are able to put together the actual coalitions of power through which you bring about redistributive change, and in some ways we still suffer from that.”

When a caller inquired about whether the courts are the appropriate mechanism for socio-economic progress, Obama said remedies should come through legislation, not the judiciary.

Now let’s see how a master wordsmith can take these old words internally, digest them, and pull something entirely new, fresh, and misleading out of his ass:

A just-unearthed 2001 interview with Obama on Chicago public radio reveals as much. Then a law school instructor and state legislator, Obama offered an eloquent indictment of the Warren court for not being radical enough. While the court rightly gave blacks traditional rights, argued Obama, the “tragedy” was that “the Supreme Court never ventured into the issues of redistribution of wealth.” Unfortunately, according to Obama, “it didn’t break free from the essential constraints that were placed by the founding fathers and the Constitution.”

Now that’s some seriously green-minded recycling.  And if Jonah hasn’t quite succeeding in turning his raw sewage into potable water, he’s at least made it suitable for irrigating the grapes of wrath.

Save for his skin color, Obama doesn’t represent anything novel. Rather, he symbolizes a return to an older vision of the United States that was seen as the “wave of the future” eight decades ago.

I for one have no desire to go back to that future.

In short, all Obama has going for him is his skin.  And although that dusky flesh promises change for the future, it’s really a time machine that will take us back to the past!  And who wears fake, but technologically advanced skin?  The Lizard People from V, who conquered the entire Made for TV earth in 1983!  And since leg warmers, crimped hair, and Ronald Reagan were also popular back then, I think I’ll just stay here with Jonah.  You kids go on, have fun.  Give my regards to the side ponytails and the Cabbage Patch dolls.

Happy Birthday, Scott!

Posted by s.z. on October 27th, 2008

Yes, it’s the birthday of Scott C., noted blogger, novelist, screenwriter (specializing in fish movies), satirist, martial artist, cat wrangler, humanitarian, and bon vivant.  And a good friend.  So, in his honor, I gathered up some of his favorite things and have posted them here, for all to share.

First, here’s the obligatory photo of a topless Ann Coulter.

Next, here are some words of wisdom from the Oracle of Maine, Pastor J. Grant Swank:

B. Hussein has little actual hands-on foreign relations experience and yet he claims that he has the wisdom to sit down now with leaders of such opposing nations as Syria and North Korea. No need for preparatory modes prior to sitting at the same table with obvious foes to our existence, just sitting near their bodies to presto into the air pleasant conclusions.

That’s certainly something to think about.  And Scott, on your birthday, may you sit near to the bodies of some diminutive dictators and presto into the air some pleasant conclusions of your own.

And just for you, here’s a bonus Swankism:

There is that American public that is so sick of the slick liberal mouthpieces that these common sense folk rivet to the real-life quotient in Sarah Palin.

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Or at all, since I have no idea what Swank means by it.  But I do think that riveting to the real-life quotient of Sarah sounds kind of futuristic and Soylent-Greeny, so I’m going to urge all common sense folk to try it.

Next, since we all know how much Scott admires Jonah Goldberg, I wanted to share with you this VDare column by one Matthew Richer, who starts out by acknowledging the debt that he and his fellow racists owe to Jonah:

Back in January, Jonah Goldberg wrote  in National Review Online that if Senator Barack Obama loses the presidential election

“I seriously think certain segments of American political life will become completely unhinged. I can imagine the fear of this social unraveling actually aiding Obama enormously in 2008.” We all know, of course, just which “segments of American political life” Goldberg is referring to so coyly. This “social unraveling” really means race riots.

In Salon.com, Glenn Greenwald immediately criticized Goldberg for making such an (allegedly) racist observation. And to my knowledge, Goldberg has not repeated it since. But it is an important question and Jonah Goldberg deserves credit for raising it, however gingerly.

Certainly we should all credit Jonah for this astute observation about the upcoming race riots, but I think the real originator of the idea was Jonah’s political mentor, Charles Manson. 

Yes, back in the 1960s Manson preached to his followers about “helter skelter,” race riots that would lead to the end of all civilization.  I think Jonah should credit Manson next time he writes on this subject.  And I’m sure Manson has many other interesting things to say about the current political race — but for some reason, the LA Times hasn’t given him a column.   But then, Manson’s mother wasn’t Lucianne Goldberg (at least, as far as we know).

Anyway, here’s the conclusion of Mr. Richer’s column:

Some will call it bigoted to prepare ourselves for post-election race riots. But given recent history, it’s all too possible that if Barack Obama loses the presidential election, a large number of black Americans just might become unhinged.

To avoid the bloodshed caused by these unhinged black Americans, we could just cancel the election and say that Obama won — but Mr. Richer points out that there might be riots even if Obama wins, “because blacks have a history of violence in victory.”  So, I guess we were screwed the minute we let a black man run for President.  Let that be a lesson to you about the danger of allowing our country to be multi-racial! 

And no birthday tribute would be complete without inviting one of Scott’s heroes, Dr. Mike Adams. Ph.D., to share a few words with us all.  So, here’s a bit from a recent Dr. Mike column wherein he advises a friend how he should come to God and thereby rid himself of all anger, like Dr. Mike has.  (Yes, Dr. Mike is now apparently a paragon of serenity and love for his fellow man, all thanks to abandoning atheism.)  There’s even a little confession dropped into the story:

Any outbursts of anger you may have displayed during your prolonged battle with God probably pale in comparison with the ones I displayed during my days as a hardened and outspoken atheist. It didn’t help that during that time I badly abused alcohol and used drugs that were intended to fill a gap in my life caused by my rejection of God.

Regardless, I am still having to apologize to people I hurt during that period of my life. But I don’t dwell on it because I understand the origins of that anger. It’s all about separation from God. And once we have the courage to step away from atheism – or the intellectually weaker position of agnosticism – the anger just disappears.

The fact that Dr. Mike is an addict explains a lot.   But the fact that he doesn’t realize that he is still the angriest person in North Carolina indicates that his connection to reality is still pretty tenuous.  Time for some more AA meetings, Dr. Mike!

And lastly, here’s Renew America’s Sher Zieve, who read Scott’s piece about wingnut Godwinism and decided she could all top the pundits cited.

Is the USA ready for an American Stalin?

After observing the growth of Barack Hussein Obama’s increasingly militant and dictatorial movement over the last several months, I have — on many occasions — been reminded of the infamous Russian tyrant Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin. [...]

One major difference between Obama and Stalin, however, is that Stalin is said to have gradually increased power within the Soviet Union’s Communist Party. Obama is grabbing it immediately and will keep his power in place via his “Truth Squads,” his militant Obama Youth (as the Nazis had their “Hitler Youth” this is more Hitlerian that Stalinistic) and his national voter fraud unit ACORN.

Thus, Obama is WORSE than Stalin, and is also a lot like Hitler.  He sounds like one heck of a guy.  So, as Pastor Swank said last week, “Beware America, bewaaarrrrre!”

And have a happy birthday, Scott.

Balboa Peninsula Attacked And Mutilated By Obama Supporter!

Posted by scott on October 26th, 2008


NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Late Saturday afternoon, in the reddest part of California’s most conservative county, a crazed supporter of Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama brutally mugged the sand with a metal detector.  According to the Beach, the assailant — described as a “tall black man wearing Madras plaid Bermuda shorts, a golf shirt, and a Panama hat” — stole four bottle caps, two loose keys, a grommet, and 74 cents in change.  The Beach, who is white, told investigators it suspected the man then noticed a soggy “McCain-Palin” sign wrapped around a leg of its pier, because he flew into a rage and allegedly punched the Beach below the waterline, then carved the campaign’s familiar “O” logo into it with a dull knife.


Welcome Back, Chris V.

Posted by s.z. on October 26th, 2008

We’re so glad that you’re on the mend!  As you know, the traditional birthday gift around here is a lovely photo of Ann Coulter.  However, we realize that people recovering from near-fatal accidents should not be subjected to such abuse.  Therefore, the traditional get well gift in these cases is a lovely photo of Bill O’Reilly, paired with one of Hitler.  Enjoy!


Media Matters has one of those “it gets crazier the farther down you scroll” compendiums of right wing punditry, starting with the relatively innocuous claims by Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage that a.) Obama faked his grandmother’s broken hip in order to garner sympathy votes, b.) the grandmother’s injury is real, but was actually caused by Obama, who pushed her down the stairs in her wheelchair while giggling like Tommy Udo, or c.) it’s a cover story concocted by Obama so he could fly to Hawaii and surreptitiously alter his birth certificate, because even though his every move is shadowed by Secret Service agents and recorded by television cameras, making him a seemingly sub-optimum choice for a covert operation, he’s the only one in the campaign who knows how to use Photoshop.  And it just gets better from there.  In fact, only about halfway down the column, well before we get to the conservative radio hosts who are using the public airwaves and the huge throbbing veins in their foreheads to accuse Obama of being the antichrist, we find Dr. Thomas “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a kidney today” Sowell and Bill “Dewlap of Doom” O’Reilly shattering Godwin’s Law like it was a Hummel figurine, or the Geneva Convention.  Something quaint and brittle, anyway.

Syndicated columnist Thomas Sowell compared Obama to Hitler, Mao and Jim Jones. What’s the similarity? Well, they all spoke inspiringly of “change.” … Bill O’Reilly recently declared that Nancy Pelosi practices her speeches too much, noting that Hitler also practiced speeches before delivering them (O’Reilly claimed he wasn’t comparing Pelosi to Hitler. Right.)

By this point it’s fairly obvious that when viewed from the right wing, this isn’t an election, it’s the world’s longest Usenet thread.

But that’s no reason not to play.  Let’s see…  Hitler peed while standing up.  Bill O’Reilly pees while standing up.  Therefore, Bill O’Reilly is like Hitler, except Bill’s aim isn’t very good, so he’s really more like Himmler, who was nearsighted.

So, how many degrees of separation can you find, kids?

If You Can Read This, You May be an Elitist

Posted by s.z. on October 23rd, 2008

Poor Ben Shapiro.  Like many a young right winger before him, he was rewarded for his juvenile parroting of the Republican party line (conservatives love to have a few token Young Republicans around in an effort to make it appear that the Republican Party isn’t exclusively the province of old, rich farts and middle-aged rich-fart-wannabees). 

When Ben got older and was no longer in demand as a novelty act, it should have been a time for a reassessment for him.  After all, he had left home, had a chance to see a bit of real life, and was smart enough that he should have been able to try thinking for himself for a change.  He had the chance to grow up and come up with his own personal philosophy.  (We still admire young Kyle William, who was an even younger Rushkinder columnist than Ben, but who, when he reached his later teens, decided he no longer believed a lot of the stuff that he had been applauded for spouting, and gave up punditing). 

Instead, Ben just became mean spirited and crabby, and his writings became Dr. Mike-esque in their lack of real thought, and their hostility disguised as “humor.”  Ben continues to use his column to parrot what he thinks his Republican elders would approve of, but it’s pretty obvious that the wide-eyed young Ben who actually cared about things other than his own stock options died somewhere along the way.

So, let’s have Ben Shapiro, the carefully-raised scion of an upper-middle-class Reagan-supporting family (who is also Ben, the Harvard Law grad), lecture us on elitism.

Ben Shapiro : You Know You’re An Elitist If… 

This election cycle has exposed an enormous divide across the country. It’s not the divide between black and white; it’s not even the divide between liberals and conservatives. It’s the divide between elitists and the rest of us.

There’s nothing like a good “us vs. them” dichotomy as a way to begin an honest inquiry into the state of our society.

Elitism is a state of mind. Not everyone in New York and Los Angeles is afflicted by it, and not everyone from Jackson, Mississippi is free from it. Elitism is the feeling of superiority enjoyed by certain people based on their income, education, and nuanced value system.

Um, so this is where Ben confesses to a terminal case of elitism, and begs our forgiveness?

Elitism carries with it a strong hint of “sophisticated” Europeanism, as well as a large helping of atheistic skepticism.

Oh, so only LIBERALS can be elitists, because only they are sometimes skeptical of stuff, and know where Europe is.

Worried that you’re an elitist?

Sure, Ben, it’s one of my biggest concerns as I clip grocery coupons, shop at the thrift store for my winter wardrobe (sweat shirts, mostly — you can get nice ones, perfect for Hockey Moms, for $3 each), and eat my generic macaroni and cheese.

Here’s how you can tell if you are.You’re an elitist if you love Brokeback Mountain, but think that John Wayne movies are jingoistic expressions of outdated American machismo.

So, open homoeroticism is elitist, but cloaking it in the trapping of  war make it just fine.  Good to know.

You’re an elitist if you worry that Sarah Palin hunts moose, but aren’t worried that Barack Obama wants to meet personally with dictators.

Killing things = regular folks.  Attempting to mediate peace = elitist.

Oh, and here’s one that Ben accidentally left out: “You’re an elitist if you question having the state of Alaska pay for first class travel and 4-star hotels for its governor’s children (and you’re even worse if you wonder why it’s acceptable for her to later ammend the expense reports to say that the kiddies were on official business).  You also are an elitist if you find any ethical problems with $150,000 in campaign money being spent at places like Neiman Marcus for a VP nominee’s clothes, since the items will be donated to charity after Sarah is done wearing them, after all.”

You’re an elitist if you think that only bitter people unhappy with their lives cling to the Bible.You’re an elitist if you quote the Book of Matthew to justify socialism, cite the Book of John to defend Bill Clinton, write off the Book of Romans as “obscure,” or deride the Old Testament as a collection of antiquated messages about shellfish and animal sacrifices.

And you’re a “rest of us” if you use the Bible to justify homophobia, but don’t think any of the parts about helping orphans and widows apply to you.

You’re an elitist if you love watching soccer and you’re not a recent immigrant.

REAL Americans should watch football, damn it!  And if you’re an immigrant who has been here for more than a year or two, you should damn well give up your interest in soccer and become a real football loving American, or we’re going to suspect you’re here illegally!

You’re an elitist if you know what arugula is but don’t know who Jimmie Johnson is.

Okay, you do have me there, Ben.  I guess I know more about green, leafy vegetables than I do about Johnsons.  (No innuendo intended, probably.)

Anyway, there’s a lot more like this (basically, anything that Ben doesn’t like is elitist). but let’s just cut to the chase:

You’re an elitist if you declare that no one’s patriotism ought to be challenged – unless they’re questioning why they should pay higher taxes.


You’re an elitist if your name is Barack Obama. Chances are that you’re an elitist if you support him and you aren’t being hired by ACORN to do so, too.

Okay, I challenge Ben’s patriotism.  Trying to suppress the two-party system just doesn’t seem American to me.