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Archive for November, 2007

Clarence The Angel Detained For Entering U.S. Illegally

Posted by scott on November 24th, 2007

Michelle Malkin is busy this holiday toting up crimes commited by illegal aliens, much like St. Nick’s list of Who’s Naughty and Who’s Nice, except on Michelle’s roster everybody is naughty, and rather than a lump of coal in their stocking, they get a taser to the scrotum from Herbie, the Misfit ICE agent.

But it’s a big job (Santa is certainly showing his age) and if Michelle were to buckle beneath the strain and begin to display signs of premature aging — graying hair, sharply etched nasal-labial folds, a penchant for filling the bathroom sink with the blood of virgins and taking a quick whore’s bath before setting out on another exhausting day of stalking, it would seriously reduce her value as College Republican stroke material (and let’s face it, Ben Shapiro’s not as young as he used to be either, and can’t be expected to carry the whole load himself).

So I thought, in the spirit of giving, I’d pitch in and help by offering up this article:

PHOENIX — A 9-year-old boy looking for help after his mother crashed their van in the southern Arizona desert was rescued by a man entering the U.S. illegally, who stayed with him until help arrived the next day, an official said.

The 45-year-old woman, who eventually died while awaiting help, had been driving on a U.S. Forest Service road in a remote area just north of the Mexican border when she lost control of her van on a curve on Thanksgiving, Sheriff Tony Estrada said.

The van vaulted into a canyon and landed 300 feet from the road, he said. The woman, from Rimrock, north of Phoenix, survived the impact but was pinned inside, Estrada said.

Her son, unhurt but disoriented, crawled out to get help and was found about two hours later by Jesus Manuel Cordova, 26, of Magdalena de Kino in the northern Mexican state of Sonora. Unable to pull the mother out, he comforted the boy while they waited for help.

The woman died a short time later.

“He stayed with him, told him that everything was going to be all right,” Estrada said.

As temperatures dropped, he gave him a jacket, built a bonfire and stayed with him until about 8 a.m. Friday, when hunters passed by and called authorities, Estrada said. The boy was flown to University Medical Center in Tucson as a precaution but appeared unhurt.

Cordova was taken into custody by Border Patrol agents, who were the first to respond to the call for help. He had been trying to walk into the U.S. when he came across the boy.

The boy and his mother were in the area camping, Estrada said. The woman’s husband, the boy’s father, had died only two months ago. The names of the woman and her son were not being released until relatives were notified.

I first read this story in The Honolulu Advertiser, which — for whatever reason — omitted these concluding paragraphs:

Cordova likely saved the boy, Estrada said, and his actions should remind people not to quickly characterize illegal immigrants as criminals.

“They do get demonized for a lot of reasons, and they do a lot of good. Obviously this is one example of what an individual can do,” he said.

I certainly don’t claim that one story of an undocumented good Samaritan cancels out Michelle’s peer-reviewed studies of Mexican serial killers blanketing the Western States like thundering herds of bison. Nor does it solve the problem of immigrants who enter the country illegally to hand-pick crops, thus putting out of work millions of white college boys who can’t find summer employment, and are forced to abandon their ancestral frats and migrate like Okies to Ft. Lauderdale. (“Wherever there’s a girl flashing her boobs for beads, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a yard-long brew and a wet T-shirt contest, I’ll be there…”)

Anyway, I hope this helps to beef up Michelle’s Holiday Cornacopia of Evil Illegals Anecdotes, and saves her the embarrassment of having to offshore the data entry work to the Phillipines.

We’re leaving the cats with a sitter and getting out of town for the holidays, but we’ll be checking in regularly and attempting to drunk-blog, depending on the availability of wifi and Lava Flows.  In the meantime, please keep the nominations coming for this year’s sacrificial Christmas Turkey.

Well kids, it’s War on Christmas time again, and I thought this year I’d start early by asking which beloved holiday classic you’d like us to defile for you.

As you may recall, last December we asked you, the Wo’C reader, to select the Christmas-themed movie you would most like to see receive the treatment, and the the winner, by a landslide, was that heartwarming perennial, It’s A Wonderful LifeMan, you guys are cynical — and I say that with love (and a stake of holly) in my heart — and you set the bar pretty high, but I’m confident that this year you can find a film to mock that will prove even more offensive to Bill O’Reilly, John Gibson, and the Marley Brothers.

Comments are open.  And when nominating a movie, please tell Santa a little bit about why you think it deserves to be the Official Wo’C Cinematic Slayride Victim of 2007.  Thank you.

Mark Steyn: Consistency Is The Hobbit Of Little Minds

Posted by scott on November 16th, 2007

Mark Steyn:  I love it when metrosexuals talk butch.  John Edwards is such a girly-femme!

Mark Steyn:  There’s nothing I adore more than musical theater!  The plot of Oklahoma! is simple:  who’s going to take Laurey to the picnic (here’s a tip, if your surrey is dripping with fringe, you’re in!).  But yawners!  Who cares?  It’s really all about tall, clean-limbed young men in tight denim, dancing around bowlegged and belting out thrilling musical paeans to a place I wouldn’t be caught dead.  But I hear it’s a lot nicer since they’ve moved all those natives out…

Via Doghouse Riley, via Lawyers, Guns and Money:

cash advance

Maybe this is a sign to cut back on all the boner blogging…Or maybe we should just stop filling the page with long quotes from Jonah.  Anyway, the two sites above are rated post-graduate and undergraduate level respectively, but please consider us for all your middle school needs.  We’ve got locker room hazing, homosexual panic, and Tater Tots!

Latest: Dogs and Cats Join War on Christmas

Posted by s.z. on November 15th, 2007

Here’s an exclusive from Don Wildmon’s American Family & Anti-Gay Association:

Dear World o’Crap,

At PetSmart, Christmas doesn’t exist.

It’s true!  I’m at PetSmart several times a week, and it’s an alternate reality divorced from time and space and all sense of reality,  I’m tellin’ ya! 

It is not to be found anywhere on their Web Site. AFA checked out the local PetSmart store and there was no Christmas there, either.

But were there hamsters?  Fuzzy little hamsters that could be used for immoral purposes?  That’s what the AFA members want to know!

A search on PetSmart’s home page found 252 references to “holiday.” It also found 43 references to “Christmas.” But, alas, this is very misleading. When you click on “Christmas” you are directed to a page containing the same gifts you get when you search for holiday. Of all the items that pop up when you search for Christmas, not a single one mentions Christmas or is identified as being a Christmas gift.

Personally, I blame Fluffy and Fido for this sacrilege.  If only they had specified that they wanted “CHRISTMAS chew toys that honor Baby Jesus” instead of the politically correct “Holiday chew toys honoring Satan,” then I’m sure their owners would have fallen into line.

At PetSmart, everything is “holiday.”

True again.  In fact, I think today is “National Bird Seed Day,” the official holiday of the pagan finches.

Thank you for caring enough to get involved.

Any time, Don.  I’m always up for kicking some dogs and cats into a proper appreciation of their Christian heritage.


Oh, and because I care so much, here’s part of another Action Alert from Don and the boys:

Hotels replace Gideon Bibles with “sex kits”

Dear World o’Crap,

The latest fad with some hotels is to replace their Bibles with “intimancy kits.” For instance, at New York City’s trendy Soho Grand Hotel guests can enjoy a gourmet mini-bar, an iPod, a flat-screen TV and even the company of a complimentary pet goldfish. But no Bible.

Gourmet food and sex with goldfish instead of reading the Bible while staying in luxury hotels!  Is this really what we’ve come to? 

Since 2001, the number of luxury hotels with Bibles in the rooms has dropped by 18 percent. The same companies that own these luxury hotels also own some of the typical hotels and motels you and I might use.

Yeah, and if the Soho Grand starts promoting in-room goldfish prostitututes, you know that Motel 6 and “Sleazy Rooms for Rent By the Hour” will be joining the trend soon.

For example, Accor Hotels owns Motel 6. Without action now, it is simply a matter of time before other chains remove the Bibles.

And if our nation’s hotel rooms are left unprotected by our failure to have a Bible in every night stand, we will be hopelessly vulnerable to vampire attacks.   Seriously.  You should start harrasing some CEOs by making dozens of irate phone calls or something. 

And thank you for caring enough to get all worked up about something that affects your daily life in such a profound way.

Since I’m on strike, enjoined from writing, revising, or even pitching stories, I thought I’d take this opportunity to see what it’s like to sit on the other side of the table by taking a meeting with some of Townhall’s finest minds.  Let me just check iCal here and…ah!  My two o’clock is some guy named Milton Medved, who’s coming in to pitch his idea about how America is totally awesome if you just ignore all the parts that aren’t.

Victoria, hold my calls…Go ahead Melvin…

Critics of the United States and its role in the world prefer to argue their point of view by focusing on specific instances of American bullying or brutality, recounting their favorite horror stories from Indonesia or Nicaragua, Vietnam or Chile, the Philippines or Iraq –

Hey, let me stop you for just a sec.  Wouldn’t your average Joe Sixpack say, “Hey, that’s a pretty long list of brutality and horror.  Aren’t you kind of making the critics’ case for ‘em?”  I thought this was a life-affirming, feel-good story about American exceptionalism…?

or any of two dozen other places around the globe where American intervention or involvement imperfectly exemplified the nation’s self-professed high ideals.

Okay, let me stop you again.  Instead of “imperfectly exemplifed,” can we say “contradicted,” or “mocked?”  It would just tighten the whole thing up a bit.

These arguments range over two centuries of history to yield abundant examples of American folly, recklessness, even cruelty…

Just a quick question, Morton…We’re the good guys in this thing, right?  Because fashionable cynicism doesn’t sell tickets, this ain’t 1974…

The leftist insistence on concentrating on individual examples of U.S. “perfidy” emphasizes details over destiny, arcane disputes over isolated, long-ago blunders above big picture considerations of the overall impact of U.S. policy.

I like the destiny angle, that’s good, keep that.  Very Luke Skywalker.

Yes, it’s possible to argue that the United States (and our British allies) harmed democratic development (and our own long-term interests) by undermining the leftist Mossadegh government in Iran in 1953, but that doesn’t justify (or even explain) the current Iranian designation of the U.S. as “The Great Satan”…

Tell me about it!  When I started in this business, there were maybe three or four producers, tops, on any series.  Now there’s like five EPs alone.  It’s ridiculous!  Half of them are just managers who rep the lead actors; they’ve never even been on the set!  I can maybe see calling the U.S. “the li’l devil” or maybe “The Great Asshole,” but c’mon.  That Mossadegh thing was 50 years ago!  What’ve you done to me lately?

In the same sense, skeptical military historians might dismiss General George Washington as an inept tactician and inferior leader of men who lost nearly every battle he fought, without acknowledging that after eight years he won a seemingly impossible victory against the world’s greatest power. 

Okay.  Okay, I see where you’re going…So it’s like George W. Bush is also an inept tactician and inferior leader of men who’s lost every war he’s fought, but if we give him eight years he’ll pull out a seemingly impossible victory at the last moment against one of the world’s weakest powers.  It’s like an allegory!

Those who insist on slandering the United States seek ugly close-ups of twisted trees but won’t step back to consider the forest. They lack perspective, and ignore context.

So we should stick with the master shot here so the audience can’t get a good look at the crappy effects… 

They refer to dwell on the harsh impact of specific American initiatives or policies, without acknowledging the Republic’s undeniably benevolent and beneficial impact on the world at large during every era in our history.

Right, right.  And then as soon as he says “undeniably benevolent impact,” some smart ass says, “yeah, tell that to the Navajo,” or whoever, and it’s all like, ZING!


Whoa, Murray, I like your energy, but don’t go all Bring It On with the spirit fingers, ‘kay?

The strongest, most direct evidence against the indictment of the Untied States as a destructive, callous imperial power comes from a consideration of the progress of those nations most closely involved with the United States. 

Good point.  I think we should throw in some stuff about Iraq and Afghanistan here, because who’s more closely involved with us than they people we’re occupying?  I see it as kind of a wacky, Perfect Strangers kind of thing, where the American guy is a well-meaning but clueless lug, and the foreign guy has a funny accent, and some kind of catch-phrase, and he gets gunned down every week at a checkpoint.

The phrase “The Yanks are Coming! The Yanks are Coming!” (featured in George M. Cohan’s stirring World War I rabble-rouser “Over There”) most often signaled a nation’s immediate liberation and never meant its long-term destruction or conquest.

Except for all the Indian nations.  And Hawaii.  And that half of Mexico we took. But we did give back the Phillipines. And we only took a tiny slice of Cuba, and they probably don’t even want that back, ’cause it’s filled with terrorists now.

Otto von Bismarck might boast of building his German Reich on the basis of “blood and iron,” but the United States consistently viewed its international mission in deeply Christian, messianic terms.

Right, right…Say, Monte, let me just stop you there for a second — don’t want to interrupt your flow — but how long is this pitch?  4,437 words?  Really…?  Okay I’ve got a thing at Craft in like five minutes, so how about you just cut to the chase?

As George Bailey’s view of an alternate reality convinced him “It’s a Wonderful Life,” even the briefest contemplation of a world without America should persuade us that “It’s a Wonderful Nation” – in fact, the Republic rightly recognized as the Greatest Nation on God’s Green Earth.

Okay!  Well, thanks for coming in, Maurice.  Great meeting you.  I’ll kick your leave-behind upstairs, and we’ll be in touch.

Um, Victoria, who’s out in the waiting room?  Andrew Tallman?  Haven’t a clue.  Just send him in and get me a Bling H2O.

Okay, Andy, is it?  What’ve you got?

How to Have a Great Wife.

Kind of a Tyler Perry thing, huh?  Are we appealing to a primarily urban audience here, or is this thing gonna have crossover appeal?

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord,” and he who nourishes a wife preserves a good thing and maintains the favor of the Lord.

Kind of going for the flyover niche.  Beautiful…

Your obligation to represent the love of Jesus in your marriage is a monumentally greater task than your wife’s obligation to represent the submission of the Church.

So it’s sort of a battle of the sexes thing with a little kink to give it an edge, huh?  I like it.  The husbands a bumbling, but good-hearted oaf, and the wife’s long-suffering but hot…?

So, what does it take to have a great wife? Simple. Be a great lord.

Okay, I’m not totally clear on the “lord” angle.  Are we talking Lord of the Dance kind of thing — shirtless dude prancing around — or is it more a Lord of the Rings, fantasy kind of element, boobs and blades…?

And what does it take to be a great lord? Equally simple. Know the needs and desires of your wife and meet them. If you don’t, she will become just the sort of wife you don’t want: nagging, withholding, bitter, and frustrated.

So we’re not talking chick flick here.

God gave you a beautiful flower. He does not expect a dead thorn bush in return. 

Dude, that’s an awesome hook for a horror franchise.

You’d have done better to remain single than to so ruin the beautiful human rose He entrusted to you.

So in your thing, the women are plants?  Are they like Invasion of the Body Snatchers pod people, or walking carrots like James Arness in The Thing, or maybe they’re like that hot druid chick in The Guardian who was schtupping a spruce tree?

So how is this to be accomplished? This is where things get dicey. Willard Harley wrote a very helpful book called “His Needs, Her Needs,” in which he outlines the top needs of women.  They include affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. This is all true. Gary Chapman wrote another helpful book called “The Five Love Languages,” in which he talks about giving love through gifts, quality time, words of encouragement, physical touch, and acts of service. This is also true. Gary Smalley has written books. James Dobson has written books.  

I can see you’ve done your research.  Funny, my second wife always used to tell me, “if you want insight to womens’ most intimate thoughts and desires, ask guys named Willard, Gary, Gary and James.”

And if you follow this simple (and completely unsimple) advice, I suspect you’ll find yourself married to a great wife. At the very least, she’ll appreciate you trying so hard to understand and satisfy her … just like God.

Um, okay, I think that might be a little too edgy.

Townhall Soup Sampler

Posted by scott on November 12th, 2007

If you’re in the mood for a thought-provoking Veterans Day post, may I suggest these stark, elegiac, and heterodox musings from the inimitable Doghouse Riley.  Any elaboration on my part would merely be texture-coating the lily, so instead, let me turn from the wind-blown poppies of Flanders fields to the trenches of Townhall, and hark as the Frappacino-stained soldiers of the War of Ideas pause to salute the living and honor the dead…

We begin with an oral history of the Greatest Generation, entitled, “The Battle of the Crabby Old Men with Short Attention Spans: Burt Prelutsky vs. Grandpa Simpson


Still and all, there are a number of mysteries even I can’t figure out. For example, why doesn’t everyone love dogs? I’m not saying I hold dogs dearer than my wife and friends, but, on average, I like strange dogs better than I like strange people. For one thing, they’re friendlier. For another, none of them will be voting for Hillary Clinton.

Another thing that confounds me on a regular basis is when American blacks insist that whites are racist. After all, I don’t see whites marching in the streets every time some white thug is arrested. But the only reason that blacks ever demonstrate is to indicate solidarity with the likes of Rodney King, O.J. Simpson, Michael Vick or the punks known as the Jena Six.

That brings us to coffee … Recently, having to kill some time between appointments, I stopped at a Starbuck’s. Frankly, I was shocked at the prices they were asking for what is essentially colored water. I ordered either a grande, a gargantuan or a humongous, but it was, needless to say, the smallest size they had. Still, I got very little change for my five dollar bill.


You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and… hey! Where are you going?
… Anyway, about my washtub. I’d just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as… a walking bird. We’d always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we’d all watch football, which in those days was called “baseball”…
… Eh, why didn’t you get something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I’m thirsty! Ew, what smells like mustard? There’re sure a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh! Look at that one. Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The president isn’t Democrat! Hello? I can’t unbuckle my seat belt. Hello? [honks car horn] There are too many leaves in your walkway…

Well you’re really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Burn had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges…
… and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning I resigned my commission with the coastguard. The next thing I knew there was civil war in Spain…
… and, that’s everything which happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call…

Three wars back we called Sauerkraut “liberty cabbage” and we called liberty cabbage “super slaw” and back then a suitcase was known as a “Swedish lunch box.” Of course, nobody knew that but me. Anyway, long story short… is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling…

Next, Suzanne Fields (who, in my humble opinion, has never topped her performance in Flesh Gordon):

Nearly 20 years ago, the Berlin Wall finally came tumbling down. If Humpty Dumpty had been foolish enough to sit on it, that’s where he would have had his fatal fall.

And if he’d been foolish enough to sit on a levee during Hurricane Katrina, he would have had his fall there, and gotten wet.  Whereas if he’d been smart enough to sit on the structurally stable Great Wall of China, he would have been forced to jump, which would have made it much harder to get the insurance company to pay off.

It was a defining moment for mankind, exposing the ultimate failure of the brutal and goofy Marxist economic system.

As many East Berliners were heard to remark during the heyday of the Democratic German Republic, “You know what bothers me most about the regime?  It’s not the privation or oppression, the total absence of civil liberties, the choking atmosphere of suspicion and paranoia, or the constant threat of arbitrary arrest and execution.  It’s just…the whole place is so darn goofy!”

Professor Dr. Mike Adams:  John Browning Day

For the record, I am opposed to Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as a national holiday in the month of January or, for that matter, any other month.

For the record, I’m not exactly flabbergasted.

It isn’t that I oppose a national holiday celebrating the legacy of America’s greatest civil rights leader. I just don’t believe that King was our greatest civil rights leader. I believe that distinction belongs to John Browning.

The militant abolitionist?  Well, that’s sort of in keeping with the civil rights theme of the day, but I hardly think he’s more deserving than Martin Luther — Oh wait.

Since John Moses Browning was born on January 23rd, 1855, it will be easy to make the transition from a Martin King to a John Browning national holiday. And it will be educational, too. Many gun owners are unaware that Browning sold 44 guns to Winchester including the Model 94 level action repeater. Guns based on the Model 94 design and chambered in 30-30 have probably killed more deer in North America than any other model before or since.

Free at last, free at last, thank God I’m free at last to gun down free-range ungulates on an industrial scale and strap them to the roof of my Chevy Suburban!

Few Colt owners have had a chance to shoot the .30 and .50 caliber machine guns or 37-mm aircraft cannon.

But those who have will tell you quite frankly that it kicks passive resistance in the nads!

Today’s “civil rights” movement has become a disgrace largely because it is based on the idea that people are entitled to things they did not earn through the fruits of their own labor.

How many of those crybabies who were unlawfully struck from the voter rolls in Florida in 2000 actually put quill to paper and wrote the 14th Amendment?!  Huh?  I didn’t think so…

Dr. King was a success largely because he relied on the ideas of his predecessors. And, indeed, his reliance on the teachings of Jesus and Gandhi were responsible for stopping a lot of unnecessary bloodshed. But Browning was a true innovator. Indeed, when Winchester was insisting that his first shotguns should be of lever action design, Browning was pushing hard for the mass production of his pump action design.

Remember kids, the auto-loading shotgun beats Jesus every time.  Think about that the next time you’re playing Quake and uncertain about which one to pick up.

It should go without saying that the fully automatic weapons of John Browning helped to win World War I. Years later the Associated Press would reveal that Browning accepted $750,000 from the government for his inventions and time combined. Had he charged the government the standard royalty rate he would have earned over $12,700,000. How long has it been since an American civil rights leader placed his country’s interests above his own financial well-being?

And when we recall that Dr. King sold the movie rights to Letter From Birmingham Jail for a cool million to Universal Pictures (which adapted it into the 1969 Don Knotts vehicle, The Love God?), it’s not too hard to see who’s occupying the moral high ground here.

Dr. Adams will speak at Bucknell University on Thursday November 15th, at 7 p.m. in the Olin Science Lecture Hall, room 268.

Following the presentation, Dr. Adams will be mobbed outside Olin Hall by angry feminists, dogmatic liberal academics, and ugly lesbians, who will verbally assault him with straight lines that he will greet with devastating and witty ripostes later in the evening as he masturbates back in his motel room.

Doug Giles:  Hillary Will Kill Your Cat

I’m tanked. I’ve had enough. I’m gonna vomit.

Stop reading your archives.

I’ve already had enough of Hillary. I’m sick of seeing that chick.

I’m totally gonna break up with her in a text. 

Forget her communistic bent, her virulent anti-Americanisms and her anti-Christian crapola.

Oh, she’s a communist now?  I thought the problem was that she made too much money in cattle futures and shady real estate deals.  And I’d be genuinely interested in seeing a litany of her “anti-Christian crapola,” because from all appearances, Doug, she spends more time in Church than you do.  And you work there.

She’s become the OJ of DC to me (i.e. way too much of her mug and machinations on my TV) … The OJ comparison was a bad analogy though, eh? 

Actually, it was above average, for you.  But since your ear for analogies and metaphors has been lovingly hand-hammered from the finest Bolivian tin, there’s got to be a “joke” coming…

There were only two people who died around The Juice. I believe the Clintons have around 40 plus and counting who have mysteriously dropped dead around them. Anyway, back to my angst with Hillary.

I’ve just been handed a note…George W. Bush would like us to remind our readers that he’s still officially in the lead with a confirmed body count of 3859 Americans and an estimated 655,000 dead Iraqis.

Yes, Ms. Clinton has been an uninvited guest in my life for far too long. I cannot imagine having to stomach her and her blah blah blah for another decade. Another %$#@&% decade?!? Argh! Please God . . . don’t let it happen! I swear I’ll be good . . . I wont cuss anymore . . . I’ll up my tithe. C’mon Yahweh. Show some love.

I’ve just been handed a note from God…He would like us to remind Doug that you get love when you give love.  Also, that He’s not fooled by the random-symbols-in-place-of-profanity thing, and He’d really like it if Doug would stop taking His name in vain, because it sets a bad example for Doug’s flock at Our Lady of No Services Today Because An Herbalife Conference Has Booked The Room.

Seriously, I experience physical pain when I see her. Yep, when she queues up and starts her soulless, monotonous monologues about how she wants to trash our nation like Mickey Rourke is doing his liver, I get that same feeling that I had the other day after I ate that last bean burrito that had been under a heat lamp for 37 hours at the Chevron gas station.

Fortunately, Doug doesn’t believe in evolution, so he knows that salmonella is just a myth pushed by the refrigeration lobby.

Having said that, I really don’t want to see Bill again unless it’s at an anti-Hillary rally after he’s been freshly divorced from Rodham, he and Monica have gotten back together, and he’s smoking a big fat stogie down here on Lincoln Road.

I understand why Doug calls it “a big fat stogie,” but I don’t quite get “Lincoln Road.”  Don’t they usually call that “the Hershey Highway?”

None of my liberal male friends down here in Miami are even remotely excited about voting for Hillary and having her shrill backside wielding a whiny scepter over the United States.

Backside, scepter…we get  it, Doug, we get it! 

If they wanted that they’d go home to their yarbling liberal wives.  

Doug is jealous because his wife won’t yarble.

It’s Sitcom Day here at World O’ Crap (more on that in a later post), and first up is Jonah Goldberg in the runaway smash comedy, Make Room For Flabby!  In tonight’s episode, Jonah runs out of toilet paper and is forced to repurpose a page of the Los Angeles Times, leading to a wacky misunderstanding when the results are accidentally printed in the Op-Ed section!  Let’s watch

‘Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event, which begs the question: What does it actually take to get fired from FEMA?” That was the lead story on the latest installment of Weekend Update, the faux news broadcast on “Saturday Night Live.”

Something bothered me about this, and not just Amy Poehler’s misuse of the phrase “beg the question.”

It’s mostly just her use of the word “beg,” which tends to trigger flashbacks in Jonah to his high school prom night, an occasion later immortalized in the movie, There’s Something About Mary

Nor was it the idea that FEMA’s staged news conference was scandalous simply because reporters, listening by phone, weren’t able to ask questions while FEMA bureaucrats lobbed “fake” questions. There’s no such thing as fake questions

Just ask Jeff Gannon.  (“No, no, I’m genuinely interested: how long do you suppose it would be if you’d kept the foreskin?”)

…only fake answers. Was FEMA’s fabrication any more fraudulent than, say, press releases written like real news stories? 

It’s important to remember that this would have constituted fraud only if they had tried to pass off the event as an actual press conference.  If, for instance, it had been carried live by various TV networks, or if the guy at the podium acted as though he was answering queries from the media and not his own staffers, or if the FEMA employees asking the questions pretended they were reporters and not political appointees pitching softballs at their boss.  But what most people don’t realize is that this wasn’t an attempt to escape accountability by deceiving the public, it was a team-building exercise.  Deputy FEMA administrator Harvey Johnson and his subordinates were just taking a brief vacation from the disastrous California wildfires to attend Press Conference Fantasy Camp – a tough but exhilarating three day experience that gives the average person a once in a lifetime chance to really get a feel for what it’s like to be Ron Ziegler.

Or take Stephen Colbert, host of a fake cable news show, “The Colbert Report,” itself a spinoff from the fake newscast “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.” Colbert was recently a guest on “Meet the Press” — the Thunderdome of real news — as he was trying to mount a bogus campaign for president (abandoned Monday). Colbert stayed in character. So did Tim Russert, grilling Colbert as if he were a real candidate, of sorts.

The exchange vexed Ana Marie Cox, Washington editor of Time.com, who rightly ridiculed the stunt as “painfully so-ironic-it-was-unironic.” Cox has a good ear for such things: Her own meteoric rise started with her tenure as the founding Wonkette blogger, where she mocked newsmakers the way robots mocked bad movies on “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”

Except with 100% more butt-sex than MST3K.

Cox sized up the Colbert-Russert show as cringe-worthy — bad journalism because it was bad entertainment.

No, it was simply bad entertainment, unless you consider it news that Tim Russert has the quick wit and comic timing of your average boozed-up heckler at the Funnybone.  Bad journalism, on the other hand, pretty much has to be taken as entertainment, since it not only fails to provide what it purports to — information — but actually succeeds in dispensing the opposite.  So either the smug yet furious blowhard you see on “The O’Reilly Factor” is a comic persona like Andy Kaufman’s Tony Clifton character, or he’s a grotesque whipped up by the sideshown performers in Freaks after they finished with Olga Baclanova.  Either way, he’s pretty damn funny.

Indeed, while the network news broadcasts are sustained by the consumers of denture cream, adult diapers and pharmacological marital aides, it’s “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” that have a grip on the hip, iPhone crowd. And plenty of those younger viewers seem to believe that they can deduce what’s going on in the real world from jokes on a fake newscast. It’s no longer funny because it’s true. It’s true because it’s funny.

The obvious solution is to read Jonah’s column, which isn’t true and isn’t funny.

Now that’s begging the question.

Case in point.  (For this joke to work, by the way, you need to imagine that peppy music they always played at the end of a Love American Style vignette, when Gary Collins and Mary Ann Mobley would figure out it was all just a big misunderstanding, and then we’d go to a 60 second pantomime bit on a beach with Stuart Margolin and Carla Borelli, just before we cut to the commercial for Pillsbury Space Food Sticks.)

The problem of parsing fact from fiction, news from entertainment, has been inherent to broadcast journalism from the beginning. Radio newsman Walter Winchell got his start in vaudeville. 

Of course, Winchell was primarily a gossip columnist, when he wasn’t busy egging on Joe McCarthy, and his contributions to hard news are roughly equivalent to those of his contemporary, J. Fred Muggs, except the chimp was less of a shameless red-baiter.

But in the modern era, I blame “Murphy Brown,” the show about a fictional TV newswoman who talked about real newsmakers as if they were characters on her sitcom. When Brown had a baby out of wedlock, Vice President Dan Quayle criticized the writers of the show. Liberals then reacted as though Quayle had insulted a real person.

Whenever Jonah gets his facts exactly backwards, I often waste time trying to decide if he’s lazy, ignorant, or a liar, before I calm down and remember that, as Jonah comes from a cube-shaped world whose inhabitants butcher personal pronouns, this is really more of a diversity issue.  In our culture, of course, liberals laughed at Dan Quayle for attacking a fictional character as though it were a real person (if Dan were still around today, I can imagine the finger-wagging denunciations: “Hester Prynne is a bigger threat to the stability of the two-parent family than homosexual marriage!”).

Ever since, journalists and politicians have been playing themselves in movies and TV series, perhaps trying to disprove the cliche that Washington is Hollywood for ugly people.

Or we could simply prove the cliche by casting the entire NRO Corner staff in the next season of Big Brother.

Our good friends at Sadly,No! have put out the call, and we will answer! They have been nominated for “funniest blog” by the Weblog Awards, and were winning handily until the blogger for “DUmmie FUnnies” started begging and stalking and harrassing people online and in real life to vote for his site. Is his site funny? Let’s just say this: Fox’s 1/2 Hour News Hour was funnier.

Read more about Sadly, No! and this DUFU guy here:
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