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Archive for the 'MORE good news!' Category

World’s Worst Porn Spam

Posted by scott on December 6th, 2010

I received an email from Tucker (“Watch me pull a Babbitt out of my pants!”) Carlson’s Daily Caller this morning, touting what I can only assume is one of those $19.95 per month reality porn sites:

*World O’ Crap is not an affiliate, nor does it endorse, Sarah Palin’s Ruminant Snuff Reels!; we’re just passing it along in case you’re getting bored with your Hentai collection.

Have You Never Been Mellow?

Posted by scott on November 3rd, 2010

Musing on the election results here in California, I noticed a rather disturbing pattern:

  1. The economy is in the toilet, and the state is broke.
  2. If you get caught with less than an ounce of pot, the cops will just give you a ticket.
  3. People are ragging on Jimmy Carter.
  4. For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf is playing down the street.
  5. Jerry Brown is Governor.


I can’t believe I have to live through the Seventies again.

A screenshot of “Today’s Poll” results on Townhall.

The Eyes of Laura Ingraham added for extra creepiness.

So, just to clarify: according to Townhall readers, the Attorney General of the United States is worse than a violent bigot and a child molester — put together.  The NAACP?   A narrower margin, but still worse than a man who drugged and sodomized a 13-year old.  However, in a stunning upset, Townhallers consider a handful of crazy racist black guys to be slightly worse than the nation’s oldest civil rights organization.  Still not not nearly as bad as Eric Holder, but, you know — a little perspective is always refreshing.

I Am The GOP

Posted by scott on October 14th, 2009

In the spirit of bipartisanship, MarcT was kind enough to send us another example of the new GOP.com, this one drawn from their “Heroes” section:

You can already feel the remorseless engorgement of the Big Tent.

Where There’s Smoke…

Posted by scott on August 29th, 2009

Well, what with the sulfurous pall and the triple digit temperatures, we’re either experiencing a crappy summer, or a great viral marketing campaign for Hell.  The fire isn’t even particularly close, and yet there’s a huge plume of smoke roiling over the hills behind our building.


And the next wingnut who smugly declares that his unseasonably cool local weather means global climate change is a myth will be cordially invited to eat the ashes I just scraped off my windshield.  The buffet line forms to the right, ladies and gents.

Amazon Puts The Firemen From Fahrenheit 451 Out Of Work

Posted by scott on July 17th, 2009

Via Wil Wheaton’s Twitter feed (twitter.com/wilw), we get this news about the latest developments in digital book burning:

This morning, hundreds of Amazon Kindle owners awoke to discover that books by a certain famous author had mysteriously disappeared from their e-book readers. These were books that they had bought and paid for—thought they owned.

But no, apparently the publisher changed its mind about offering an electronic edition, and apparently Amazon, whose business lives and dies by publisher happiness, caved. It electronically deleted all books by this author from people’s Kindles and credited their accounts for the price.

This is ugly for all kinds of reasons. Amazon says that this sort of thing is “rare,” but that it can happen at all is unsettling; we’ve been taught to believe that e-books are, you know, just like books, only better. Already, we’ve learned that they’re not really like books, in that once we’re finished reading them, we can’t resell or even donate them. But now we learn that all sales may not even be final.

As one of my readers noted, it’s like Barnes & Noble sneaking into our homes in the middle of the night, taking some books that we’ve been reading off our nightstands, and leaving us a check on the coffee table.

You want to know the best part? The juicy, plump, dripping irony?

The author who was the victim of this Big Brotherish plot was none other than George Orwell. And the books were “1984” and “Animal Farm.”

Yes, well, if ever a publisher needed to actually read his author’s books…

I don’t quite believe that in a battle between retailer and publisher, Amazon is the party which lacks leverage.  Still, I guess it was inevitable; just as they’ve made book buying ruinously easy, Amazon has now made book banning both effortless and instantaneous.  You don’t even have to light a match anymore, let alone dispatch firemen to hose down an unlucky bibliophile’s library with kerosene; all you have to do is hit Enter.

I bought a Kindle after I injured my back, and it’s a pleasant traveling companion.  Apparently, however, if I want to keep the books I buy for it I have no option but to memorize and recite them to myself as I wander around in the snow.  Thanks, Jeff Bezos.

Endgadget has more from Amazon:

Drew Herdener, Amazon.com’s Director of Communications, pinged us directly with the following comment, and now things are starting to make a lot more sense. Seems as if the books were added initially by an outfit that didn’t have the rights to the material.

These books were added to our catalog using our self-service platform by a third-party who did not have the rights to the books. When we were notified of this by the rights holder, we removed the illegal copies from our systems and from customers’ devices, and refunded customers. We are changing our systems so that in the future we will not remove books from customers’ devices in these circumstances.

So, Amazon confesses to breaking into its customers’ Kindles and secretly activating the Memory Hole option, but they’re really sorry and promise never, ever to do it again, and you can totally trust them to resist enabling that previously unmentioned protocol that will cause your Kindle to self-destruct like those tape recorders at the beginning of Mission: Impossible.

That’s good enough for me.

You May Get Wet On This Fertilization

Posted by scott on February 18th, 2009

North Dakota, embittered that its southern namesake soaks up the regional tourism dollars thanks to its mountainside full of massive Presidential death masks, is attempting to prove that it too contains politicians whose heads were apparently carved from solid granite:

BISMARCK, N.D. (AP) — A measure approved by the North Dakota House gives a fertilized human egg the legal rights of a human being, a step that would essentially ban abortion in the state.

The bill is a direct challenge to Roe v. Wade, the U.S. Supreme Court decision that extended abortion rights nationwide, supporters of the legislation said.

Representatives voted 51-41 to approve the measure Tuesday. It now moves to the North Dakota Senate for its review.

The bill declares that “any organism with the genome of homo sapiens” is a person protected by rights granted by the North Dakota Constitution and state laws.

While this is bad news for the pro-choice community, it’s good news for the country’s engineers, since each fertile woman’s reproductive system will now have to be reclassified as an amusement park ride, and inspected annually for structural safety.


A group of organisms with the genome of homo sapiens enjoys a day of fun at Fargo’s new water park as they ride the Wild Fallopian Tube.

Game Over, Man!

Posted by scott on January 11th, 2009

Oh noes!  Karl Rove has unlocked the secrets of Twitter!  He’s as we speak!

Obama can kiss that Youth Vote good-bye.



Once again, quoting :  “That’s what the President use to tell me—’History will get it right and we’ll both be dead!’” (< --repeated 3X in 1 hr.)

Yes, repetition and message discipline:  The secret to scintillating Tweets.

Hey, I Think She Just Winked Emailed Me!

Posted by scott on November 24th, 2008

Like most men in America who are enrolled in frequent flyer programs, I sat up a little straighter in my chair this morning when I turned on my computer and found a message from Alaska governor Sarah Palin:


Imagine the thrill that ran up my leg when I realized that she wanted to help me — little old me, Scott the Blogger — to plan my next vacation to Real America.  And naturally, as a red-blooded American male, I immediately clicked on the governor’s link; because while I’m no Todd Palin, I’m still man enough that I refuse to take Rich Lowry’s sloppy seconds.


As if her alluring smile, and a chance to breathe the same air as the GOP’s 2012 front runner weren’t enough, the governor thoughtfully ticked off some of her state’s unique attractions:

As Governor of Alaska, I am pleased to welcome you to the Alaska Travel Industry Association’s website. Alaska is different from every other destination in the world.

To start with, every other destination in the world outside of Alaska is a different place.  So that’s one difference right there.

Every day offers an unforgettable memory: a mother moose and calf…

Custom made for mother/daughter hunting trips.  You shoot the cow, while your little girl shoots the calf (the calf, much being smaller, can be felled with a lighter caliber, even a .22, if you pump enough into it.  It’s the same basic theory behind the Child’s Menu at Denny’s).

glaciers and mountains…

The mountains just kind of sit there, but the glaciers have real Shrinky Dink™ Action!

unique Native cultures…

Come enjoy our colorful heathens before they’re dragged by demons down into the slavering maw of Hell.

our Russian legacy…

…basically a guy in Skagway named Feodor who makes nesting dolls.  But if you take home a set of his beautifully hand-painted matroyshkas, you’ll not only have a lovely keepsake, you’ll also enjoy the sort of foreign policy cred that experience just can’t buy.

…and Gold Rush days.

Relive the heady days of the Klondike, when Sourdoughs spent their gold dust on crazed shopping sprees at the most exclusive and upscale general stores, before returning to their mining camps in designer parkas, veal-skin gloves, handcrafted Italian hipwaders, and boxer shorts made from the finest beaver pelt.

Even lifelong Alaskans are amazed!

And we nearly re-elected a felon who was convicted on seven counts of bribery, so you can imagine how hard it is to get us to react to any stimuli at all!

And we have a wide range of accommodations and dining to suit every budget.

Although our state travel guidelines recommend that you spend like you’re rich, but act like you’re lower middle class, that way you won’t smack of elitism.

Enjoy your online visit to Alaska, and I hope you’ll come to visit the “Great Land” soon.

Come pal around with the right kind of folks, folks who see this great country the way you and I do!*

*Please check Official Rules for eligibility.  The following are prohibited from participating in this promotion:  Employees of Alaska Airlines or their relatives, domestic terrorists, witches, librarians, or turkeys.  Offer void in UnAmerica.

Women in Prison pictures, like medieval morality plays, or Commedia dell’Arte, are comprised of several unvarying and indispensable archetypes:  There’s the tender young protagonist — wrongly convicted, often framed by her own drug-dealing boyfriend, and frequently, if paradoxically, the only actress in the cast with a “no nudity” rider in her contract.  There’s the lesbian alpha female of the cellblock, usually named “Cat,” who begins as an antogonist, but often ends as an ally.  And finally, there’s the villainous warden, who is often a bundle of contradictions — beautiful but twisted, powerful but needy, cruel but frightened — and usually played by Sybil Danning, Brigitte Nielsen, or most recently, Michelle Malkin, who has opened a re-education camp for Republican campaign staffers who were caught and exposed after attempting to creep off the reservation.

In a continually updated post entitled The McCain Campaign’s classless cowards, Malkin opines that “[t]he anonymous trashing of Sarah Palin by blabbermouth McCain aides who are leaking to Fox News is disgusting. Absolutely disgusting,” and notes that even if Palin is a grasping, lazy, oblivious ninny, you can hardly blame her for that.  If anything, it’s an indictment of a campaign who correctly intuited a hunger in the electorate for a young, attractive, insanely conservative MILF who’s not afraid to, oh, say, dress up in pigtails and a cheerleader outfit in order to keep her relationship with the base fresh and exciting, but which clearly picked the wrong one!


Regardless, Michelle deeply respects the way Palin stiffened the resolve of the Red States, and various other nether regions:

I didn’t agree with everything she said on the campaign trail. But two fundamental conservative stands she took mattered greatly to me: She vigorously defended the Second Amendment and the sanctity of life more eloquently in practice than any of the educated conservative aristocracy.

Because she’s both shot animals and birthed babies, taken life and given life.  If that doesn’t scream Role Model, I don’t know what does, although I admit it’s kind of a high-pitched, keening scream, and when cleaning your ears afterward you may notice blood on the Q-Tips.

And she did it all with a tirelessness and infectious optimism that defied the shameless, bottomless attempts by elites in both parties to bring her and her family down.

And as we’ve all learned from watching Animal Planet, elites are a MILF’s natural enemy.  Probably because the elites are bottomless, and they covet her shapely ass.

Shame on the smearers who don’t have the balls to show their faces.

Thank you, Sarah Palin. Thank you for stepping up the plate and serving your country.

I also appreciate Sarah serving me and the rest of the country a plate of balls, although I’m pretty sure I ordered the 3-Cheese Frittata.