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Archive for September, 2010

Take a Billionaire to Lunch

Posted by s.z. on September 29th, 2010

Hi, kids. Let’s check out Townhall and find out what Tea Party Command has on its mind today. (Yesterday’s topic was “We know that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are having rallies in D.C. to make fun of us, and while we don’t want to appear to be humorless nuts by complaining about them, we HATE THEM SO MUCH for making fun of us.”)

Hmm, it seems that today’s theme is: “You should be HONORED to pay a billionaire’s taxes for him, after all he’s done for you. So, make the Bush tax cuts permanent, even unto the next life.”

Here’s John Stossel to explain it all to even the most ungrateful of Americans.

Taxing the Rich

Progressives want to raise taxes on individuals who make more than $200,000 a year because they say it’s wrong for the rich to be “given” more money.

Granted, it is wrong to give money to millionaire pan handlers (instead, give them half-eaten sandwiches or some toilet paper, as they will just use cash for hookers and drugs). But I have never heard anybody talking about taxes say that it’s wrong to give the rich more money. Instead, they say stuff like, “The richest 20% of Americans own 85% of all the wealth in America, but they pay only 72% of the taxes. If they were contributing their fair share, they would be paying at least 85% of the taxes, instead of passing on their tax burden to the middle class.” (I don’t know why Stossel got it so wrong — do you think maybe he doesn’t actually know any people, or is he just stupid?)

As I’ve said before, a tax cut is not a handout. It simply means government steals less. What progressives want to do is take money from some — by force — and spend it on others. It sounds less noble when plainly stated.

And what Stossel wants to is force the middle class pay more for the government and its services, a goverment that benefits the rich more than it does them. What Stossel wants is to make the middle class forget about college for their kids so that the rich can buy another private island or luxury yacht. What Stossel wants is for YOU to pay a larger portion of your income on taxes than he does, even though he makes millions for being a jerk, while you have to work for your money. It sounds really wrong and immoral when plainly stated.

But Stossel claims that the rich aren’t in it for the Impressionist paintings or the Ferraris — no, they do it all for YOU, by, um, creating jobs for art forgers or Ferrari mechanics. And if we don’t show our gratitude to the rich by giving them tax breaks, they will just pack up their billions and go home to their private islands, or take their luxury yachts to shack up with their money in Aruba. If you don’t believe Stossel, just ask the revered Donald Trump.

Donald Trump, who knows something about making money, says of course the rich will leave when hit with higher taxes. “I know these people,” he told me. “They’re international people. Whether they live here or live in a place like Switzerland doesn’t really matter to them.”

Personally, it doesn’t matter to me either where they live. But if they make money here or have money here, they should pay their fair share of taxes here. And since America offers a much better environment for making money (and not just hiding money) than does Swizerland, I doubt they will be leaving any time soon. So, I call your bluff, Mr. Trump and Mr. Stossel!

You haven’t left, I told him.

“I haven’t left yet. …

Hey, don’t let the door hit you on your way out, Donnie.

“Look, the rich people are going to leave. And other people are going to leave. You’re going to end up with lots of people that don’t produce. And then that’s the spiral. That’s the end.”

Can we afford to live in a country where nobody produces Trump towers or “The Apprentice”? Look deep into your soul, and then vote to increase Stossel’s income (a stupidity tax?) until he is forced to leave the country.

Now, let’s hear from young Katie Pavlich, who screams Youth of America, Stop Drinking Obama’s Kool-Aid and instead start guzzling from the Townhall teats.

If America’s youth want any chance at having a stable economic future, free from total government control, I suggest they put down the Kool-Aid and start drinking some tea.

Those are your only choices, young people: Total Government Control or joining up with far-right nut jobs.

Katie is also here to speak up for oppressed and disadvantaged rich people, whom the President so cruelly defamed in a recent speech.

President Obama went on to slam big corporations and “rich” people while failing to mention that those evil people and corporations give recent college graduates jobs, a very rare thing this day in age.

College graduates finding employment is very rare “this day in age”? That is indeed troubling. I guess illegal immigrants from Mexico have stolen all the entry-level positions that the young people of other days in ages used to get, leaving today’s graduates no choice but to work for Evil, Inc. as an Assistant Editor (especially if their editing skills aren’t all that great).

Katie Pavlich, a May 2010 journalism graduate of the University of Arizona and former Townhall.com editorial intern, is Assistant Editor at Townhall.com.

But Katie does have statistics to support her claims about how rare it is for other recent college grads to find work.

According to the Economic Policies Institute, unemployment among people 16-24 years old is 18.9 percent

Personally, I will not rest until every 16-year-old has at least one full-time job, so that they can help pay the taxes of those billionaires who are counting on them.

But, hey, let’s look at Katie’s stats again: apparently over 80% of people 16-24 ARE employed. So, if Katie is telling the truth about how rare it is for college grads to get jobs, then once you graduate from MIT and turn 24, you are either fired or send to the Carousel from Logan’s Run, and then executed. And the news gets even worse!

. . . and on top of that, a majority of college graduates have been so discouraged looking for full employment that they have stopped looking altogether.

So, over 50% of college graduates not only don’t have jobs, they aren’t even looking anymore, due to clinical depression or something (their ennui undoubtedly caused by the knowledge that any day now Donald Trump will be fleeing the country, taking with him such jobs as “Toupee Maker For Dorks.” Things are much worse than I even imagined!

Youth fortunate to actually land a job after graduating may not have one on January 1, 2011, due to President Obama and Nancy Pelosi’s refusal to extend the Bush tax cuts, leading to the biggest tax hike in American history. More taxes equal less money to pay workers, especially in the middle of a recession.

Katie, if you had taken a job somewhere other than Evil, Inc. you might find that “More taxes equal less dividends for the share holders,” or “More taxes equal a million dollar pay cut for the CEO” or even “More taxes equal we fire a few Washington lobbyists.”

Without this tax-cut extension, employers will be forced to cut employees along with salaries, and lucky recent graduates will be first ones the chopping block.

Katie, is that what the Senior Editor told you? But here’s an idea you can pitch to the Town Hall Board: Instead of firing the recent grads who make the least, fire the senior employees, who make the most. That’s the evil thing to do. Or, just fire John Stossel, since he’s a douche bag.

Wit is the Soul of Brevity

Posted by scott on September 29th, 2010

As you probably know, raconteur and ace commenter Jay B. hobnobs with (and occasionally pinch-hits for) the cream of snark society — your Tboggs, your Edrosos.  But even though he hangs with the habitués of the modern Algonquin Round Table, he’s not above visiting the Algonquin Kids Table, with our paper plates, folding chairs, and sippy cups of Hawaiian Punch, and very kindly invited me to a publishing event he helped put together in honor of the sublimely strange Awkward Two.

A book of weird, funny, and astonishingly short stories (the theme of the volume is “brevity”), Awkward Two is the second in the Awkward series from Awkward Press (the guy in charge of naming things at Awkward Press previously worked thinking up song and album titles for the group Talk Talk).  I haven’t read the book yet, but I heard several authors read from it last night, and saw a number of micro-movies adapted from the stories, and I’m recommending it on that basis.  It was richly wordy, subversively funny stuff that started off lightly, teasingly kissing your brain, then got overly aggressive and wouldn’t stop until it gave you a cerebral hickey.  Which, frankly, is just my kinda thing.

Awkward is available from Amazon, but if you order through their website they’ll throw in a DVD of the short films.  (Reportedly, the soon-to-be-available iPad version will come with the movies embedded in the text, but that strikes us as unholy sorcery.)

Random Scenes of Hollywood

Posted by scott on September 29th, 2010

Even if your doctors are baffled, there is hope.  Come to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital…

…where you will enjoy the benefits of state-of-the-art medical technology and a skilled, caring staff, including world renowned diagnostician, It.

National Geographic Is A Gateway Drug!

Posted by scott on September 25th, 2010

You know that urban legend about an American tourist in Mexico who gets picked up by a prostitute, dosed with Rohypnol, and wakes up fourteen hours later in a bathtub full of ice?  The real shocker comes when he finds a card on the rim of the tub telling him that he’s now missing a kidney, and needs to get to the emergency room, because who takes the time to send a card anymore?  Nowadays you’re much more likely to get a Thank You email, or worse, a text, and taking the time to handwrite a card — especially in these difficult circumstances — just seems like a really thoughtful gesture.  I mean, most people I know, even my close friends and family, wouldn’t bother to send a traditional greeting card if they’d stolen one of my kidneys.  They’d probably leave a voice mail, or at best — if they got a good price for it on the transplant black market — they might splurge and send me one of those animated e-cards, which I’m not even sure would be appropriate in this situation.

Anyway, the point is, what if nude, barely legal lesbians, and hunky guys with oily pecs were performing brain surgery on you when you least expected it?  You’d be miffed, right?  Well, according to Texas neurosurgeon Donald L. Hilton, Jr., MD, pornography is a game changing brain changer, and Cinemax is doing to America what the Ludovico Technique did to Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange.

SLAVE MASTER:  How Pornography Drugs & Changes Your Brain

Pornography is a visual pheromone, a powerful, $100 billion per year brain drug that is changing human sexuality by “inhibiting orientation” and “disrupting pre-mating communication between the sexes by permeating the atmosphere,” especially through the internet. I believe we are currently struggling in the war against pornography because many continue to believe two key fallacies:

Fallacy No. 1: Pornography is not a drug.

This is obviously a fallacy, since under Federal law, no pornographic film can be released to consumers before it’s first been tested on animals and approved by the FDA.  However, some critics maintain that if pornography were really a drug, there’d be more pictures on TMZ of Lindsay Lohan trying to snort a Hustler magazine.  Also, it’s harder than you’d think to cook a Realdoll in a spoon. But Dr. Hilton Jr., MD proves that pornography is so a pharmaceutical, by pointing out that the body produces adrenaline and dopamine, and yet both these substances can also be administered by physicians.  Similarly, the brain manufactures sexual fantasies, and yet Larry Flynt is allowed to sell you porn without first graduating from medical school.

Which raises another issue: Viagra is regulated as a drug, so why does the FDA still allow men to get erections without a prescription?

Let’s review some of the important components of the reward system of the brain. On the outside is the cerebral cortex, a layer of nerve cells that carry conscious, volitional thought. In the front, over the eyes, are the frontal lobes. These areas are important in judgment, and, if the brain were a car, the frontal lobes would be the brakes. These lobes have important connections to the pleasure pathways, so pleasure can be controlled.

This is explained more fully in Dr. Hilton Jr.’s book, Pleasure? Hit the Brakes!

It’s the overuse of the dopamine reward system that causes addiction…This resetting of the “pleasure thermostat” produces a “new normal.” In this addictive state, the person must act out in addiction to boost the dopamine to levels sufficient just to feel normal. As the desensitization of the reward circuits continues, stronger and stronger stimuli are required to boost the dopamine. In the case of narcotic addiction, the addicted person must increase the amount of the drug to get the same high. In pornography addiction, progressively more shocking images are required to stimulate the person.

Say you enjoy looking at pictures of women with big breasts.  At first you may be content with that Christina Hendricks spread in Esquire; but as your nucleus accumbens gradually becomes desensitized, you will be driven to seek out images of increasingly larger breasts — Lynda Carter in Bobby Jo and the Outlaw, Anita Ekberg in Call Me Bwana, Heidi Montag in various acts of desperation — until finally you’re incapable of feeling arousal except when watching that one scene from Woody Allen’s Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex with the monstrous, free-roaming tit. In the interests of dopamine conservation, the Department of Energy and Pornography recommends setting your pleasure thermostat at 68°F in winter.  But pornography, like a homeopathic Superfly, pushes other naturally occurring drugs on the brain too:

Oxytocin and vasopressin are important hormones in the brain with regard to physically performing sexually. Studies show that oxytocin is also important in increasing trust in humans, in emotional bonding between sexual mates, and in parental bonding. We are wired to bond to the object of our sexuality.

So porn can interfere with a parent’s natural desire to commit incest.

It is a good thing when this bonding occurs in a committed marriage relationship, but there is a dark side. When sexual gratification occurs in the context of pornography use, it can result in the formation of a virtual mistress of sorts. Dr. Victor Cline, in his essay, “Pornography’s Effects on Adult and Child,” describes this process as follows:

“In my experience as a sexual therapist, any individual who regularly masturbates to pornography is at risk of becoming, in time, a sexual addict, as well as conditioning himself into having a sexual deviancy and/or disturbing a bonded relationship with a spouse or girlfriend.A frequent side effect is that it also dramatically reduces their capacity to love (e.g., it results in a marked dissociation of sex from friendship, affection, caring, and other normal healthy emotions and traits which help marital relationships). Their sexual side becomes in a sense dehumanized. Many of them develop an ‘alien ego state’ (or dark side), whose core is antisocial lust devoid of most values.”

As we saw in the Star Wars prequels, Annakin Skywalker was led astray from the path of Light by fear and anger, but in the end he succumbed to the Dark Side — tragically, inevitably — only because he’d been jerking off to too much Twi’lek porn.

Let me use a fishing analogy to illustrate some of these concepts. Every August, if possible, I try to be on the Unalakleet River in Alaska fishing for silver salmon. We use a particular lure, a triple hook called the Blue Fox pixie. As fisherman know, it is important to keep the drag loose just after hooking the fish, when it still has a lot of fight. As the fish tires, though, we tighten the drag and increase the resistance. In this way the fish is reeled into the boat and netted.

This is just a guess, Doc, but if your wife has to hear this story every goddamn year, I bet she’d rather you just rub one out.

Why is it essential to understand the addictive nature of pornography?

Because you’ve got a book to sell?

Below you will find an Excerpt from his Donald L. Hilton’s book, “He restoreth My Soul”

“Most, if not all, families will be affected by pornography.

Really?  Most, if not all?  Well, I grew up in a family affected by addiction, and I’d have been thrilled if my mother had been hooked on porn instead of tranqs and vodka, if for no other reason than I would’ve felt much safer driving with her when she was under the influence of Coffee, Tea or Me? or Jacqueline Susanne’s The Love Machine.

If you are a man, you must first safeguard yourself.

Wear two wetsuits to bed, and insert a dildo to prevent porn from sneaking in the “back door” while you sleep.

If you are secretly involved, hopefully this work will convince you there will never be peace for you until you are healed. If you are free from addiction now, you must still guard yourself against future addiction, as all are vulnerable who are not “sober and vigilant,” as Peter warned. If you are a father, it is essential to understand what your sons will be exposed to and that he will be at serious risk for addiction at some point in his life. If you are a woman…

You’re safe, because women are immune to porn.  However…

please understand that this problem is real and must be confronted head on.

Apply porn directly to forehead.  That way it’s harder to masturbate to.  Unless you’re Carnac the Magnificient.

“Three Men and a Little Labia.”

You also need to be aware of the profound risk your sons face.

One Guess Jeans ad and they’re hooked! But even though your daughters are born with natural porn anti-bodies, they will, like St. Damien of Molokai, daily walk amongst those with a horrible affliction…

studies are showing that the young men whom [your daughters] will date and consider for marriage have virtually all been exposed and many have been or are addicted, to a lesser or greater degree. It is imperative that every young woman understands the scope and seriousness of this problem. Her awareness will help her to be discerning in dating and eventually choosing a marriage partner. Our extended family members are also at risk: sons and daughters-in-law, grandchildren and their spouses, and other loved ones.

Cissy!  Junior!  Aunt Sadie!  Nana and Pop-Pop!  All furiously and constantly masturbating to porn!  Imagine the Walton home, but instead of each day ending with a sleepy but cheerful, “Good-night, Jim-Bob,” “Good-night Mary Ellen,” “Good-night, John-Boy,” you near nothing but low, feral grunts and the restless flipping of magazine pages.

Now, I take addiction seriously, I know it’s a problem that can destroy lives and families, still, this hysteria savors a bit of those 16mm anti-drug films they’d show us in school, where a Jackie Kennedy-like Junior Miss would take one reluctant puff of marijuana at a party, and two seconds later she was selling her body in the Negro part of town.  So after reading his 5000 word article, and lengthy excerpts from his book on porn-dependency,  I guess my question for Dr. Hilton is: how does an obsession differ from an addiction?

We’ll leave you now with this searing image:

If “sex is a river of fire,” dopamine and other brain drugs are the fuel. Like the astronauts of Apollo 11, we can ride this energy to the heavens, or be consumed in its exhaust, depending on whether we are above the engines in the command module or underneath them, thus exposed to the heat.

I think we can all agree, it’s better to ride the rocket.

Dr. Henry A. Bowman said, “No really intelligent person will burn a cathedral to fry an egg, even to satisfy a ravenous appetite,” yet the flamethrower of pornography is torching many cathedrals of marital, parental, and familial love today.

So watch where you point that thing.

P.S. the first commenter corroborates the good Doctor’s theories by citing the pioneering work of human sexuality expert Ted Bundy.

The End is Near

Posted by s.z. on September 20th, 2010

Sorry to interupt your previously scheduled after lunch nap, but I have an urgent announcement from Wo’C favorite wingnut (with an emphesis on the “nut”) Jen Shroder.

Mosques, Muslims & minivans

The Lord showed me something last week on the anniversary of 9/11. Something that would be condemned by both the right and the left if it gained any traction. But it’s what I saw.

“She’s the Sheriff: the Movie” with Paris Hilton in the starring role.

Years ago the Lord healed me after I asked if I could live long enough for my kids to grow up. My youngest had no more walked out the door for college when all five of my cars died at the same time as if on cue. One needs a brake master cylinder, one needed a new alternator but $500 later it’s still stalling unexplainably, one’s tranny is going and then totally died, one’s starter needed replacing, and finally, my faithful minivan that is ancient and over 226,000 miles, the one that would start up again if I prayed over it, the one that I used for footwashing, the one I was driving when the Lord warned me of disaster ahead and saved my sons and I, the one that honestly lost all symbols of “Dodge” when I put on three Christian fish symbols (they just dropped off, it was amazing)…that one died. Just stopped.

Kids, please try this at home: put three fish symbols on your Dodge minivan and see if the Dodge symbols will drop off. If they do, then we’ll have proof positive that Detroit is the gateway to Hell, and that Satan’s plan for your future involves GMAC and gas-guzzling, crappily-built vehicles.

It sat there for days until I finally called a tow truck. As he chained my beloved minivan up, a scorpion crawled out from underneath and headed straight for me. I have never seen or heard of scorpions in this area before. I was stunned and said out loud, “Wow, all my cars die and then a scorpion crawls out from under my minivan, what does this mean?”

What DOES this mean? Obviously, something more than the fact that Jen has broken-down, vermin-infested cars. (I’m betting for a combination Aesop’s fable/conspiracy to disable cars by the German rock band also responsible for “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

My first reaction to the scorpion is Islam, but that’s not right. In Jeremiah’s day, God raised up Babylon. In our day…it’s name is Islam.

Um, no. In our day, Babylon’s name is … worldliness and unrighteousness. (Or, Jen, per a fellow “prophet”, it’s America.

America elected politicians that fight for partial birth abortion. We fund abortion on demand. We close our eyes to child sex slave rings and obsess over endangered snails. We cower rather than object to public schools teaching our children profane sex acts and praying to Allah. It seems the only use that our elected government has for our children is to either kill them, sex them or commit them to bow to foreign gods.

I know that’s the campaign platform I look for in a politician.

Who am I to write such things?

The voice of a lone nut, crying in the wilderness?

No one. But the last time God gave me a message like this, I posted it and it has remained in the first or second position on Google for years and to this day with just three secular words: “three” “days” “nights” It is the “Sign of Jonah,” the only sign that will be given an evil and adulterous generation.

The sign of Jonah Goldberg (which is like the Bat Sign, only featuring a beached whale instead of a bat), should ONLY be given to an evil and adulterous generation.

Google “three” “days” “nights” and see for yourself. That’s not something I could do.

Um, Google “Jen” “Shroder” and “pinkie” and see another miracle for yourself!

Anyway, Jen’s piece about the Sign of Jonah features the standard interpretation that Jonah’s three days in the belly of the whale foreshadowed Jesus’s three days in hell, etc, before he was resurrected. But Jen somehow interprets this to mean that she is a prophet, called to warn us that we will be destroyed by Muslims if we don’t stop teaching our children about Islam in the public schools.

And now a scorpion is telling Jen the same thing. And apparently we have only three days to repent before IT’S TOO LATE!

America, turn around. As a nation we have run out of time, but on your own…seek Him while you can. Don’t blame the Muslims, we brought this on ourselves. Seek Him and live.

Yes, in light of our upcoming doom, Jen’s report that the “Ground Zero Mosque” is part of some sinister Saudi conspiricy to conquer America pales in comparison. So, plan accordingly.


I tooke HeyDave’s advice and took a gander of Jen’s profile photo, taken back when she was a free-lovin’ hippie. And while there, I checked her past columns to see what the death sentence she was spared from might be. Turns out it was broken light bulb poisoning.

Eco-Nazi jihad with light bulb death bombs

I’m dying.

It’s true. I just found out this morning.

I broke a CFL light bulb a few months back and was just informed I’ve been contaminated, exposed, full of mercury poisoning which will give me Alzhiemers (something I can’t even spell off the cuff).

Am I the only one that’s broken a freaking light bulb? Since when has that carried a death sentence?

Since the libs took office, oh yeah.

Silly Jen, you should have read the pamphlet. It was spelled out clearly in the Obama/Biden 2008 literature: “If elected, we plan to thin the population by encouraging people to use energy-saving light bulbs that will kill the clumsy. Extra points for each toddler we knock off!”

What other plans have they got for children that escaped the abortion mills? Will Christmas tree lights have to be…what a silly question, poisonous Christmas, this is atheist brilliance.

Yes, it is. Maybe a little TOO brilliant. I suspect that Bill O’Reilly was behind the whole thing.

And the story of Jen’s final hours continued in Death by spaghetti light bulbs, which I think could be made into a cool retro TV show, much like that old “Run for Your Life,” starring David Jansen.

This was my favorite line from the piece:

I would rather be rationed one light bulb a night than deform my kids!

I think this will be the “Better to light a single candle than curse the darkness” of the upcoming War Against the Light Bulbs.

Anyway, apparently the Lord healed Jen and all is well . . .for now. But the price of freedom is perpetual vigilance against glass.

Scott adds:

For those who are curious about Jen’s photo, but don’t want to get out of the boat, here it is.  On the left is the headshot she’s been using since at least 2003 (with the background Photoshopped out), and on the right is the uncropped version.  How old the original photo is, and why she hasn’t replaced it with an image in which she’s at least standing erect remains a mystery, but perhaps she doesn’t want to make it any easier for the Muslim arachnids to find her.

A Postcard to My Friends

Posted by s.z. on September 19th, 2010

Hi, everybody! Sorry to be MIA for so long, but between aging (and ailing) parents; the never-ending supply of pound puppies, orphan kittens, and unwanted pets in general; and my general lack of time and engery, I haven’t had a chance to even power up the ol’ 1990′s computer for two weeks. So, let me take a moment now to thank everyone for the very kind birthday wishes (special thanks to Scott for the wonderful tribute and that lovely photo of Ann Coulter – and a reminder to him that HIS birthday is coming up next month. . . ). And happy birthday to M., D., Ann, and everyone else I missed. (I promise to make it up to you by finding those elusive nude photos of Ann Coulter. Or maybe the very popular “Sarah Palin breast implants” that Google has heard do much about.)

Anyway, I only have a few minutes before I have to do various disgusting things (and I have no time at all to edit, proof, or spell check), but here are a few odds ‘n ends that may prove enlightening. Or not.

First, some notes I made while persuing Town Hall a couple of weeks ago. (Sure, the info is now passe, but it does have nostalgia value.)

Remember Little Ben Shapiro, who was once the Jimmy Osmond of Town Hall? I didn’t think so. But he does ask an important question: “Is Barack Hussein Obama a Muslim?”

So, take it away, Ben!

Is Barack Hussein Obama a Moslem?


Good job, Ben! Best column you ever wrote! We’ll try to check back with you in another decade or so and see how the career is progressing.

Now, let’s hear from the lesser Limbaugh:

My new book, “Crimes Against Liberty,” has just been released, and in many of my radio interviews, hosts have been asking me whether I believe Barack Obama is a Christian or a Muslim. Though I don’t address that subject in my book, I’ll take a stab at it here.

The book I wrote with Scott was released a while ago, and so many of my imaginary friends have been asking me if I believe that the Tea Party set actually believes in that silly “freedom of religion” thing. And although I don’t address that subject in my book, I just wanted to mention that I wrote one. And you can still buy it!

And now, an important notice from Dr. Mike:

This coming year I am planning a series of legal challenges to universities that have launched “Queer Resource Centers” and “LGBTQIA Centers” on campus. The goal is not to shut the centers down but, instead, to force them to present issues in a more balanced fashion.

By “balanced,” Dr. Mike means “Force them to say that gays are perverts who are goiung to hell, and that trangendered individuals are somehow responsible for ruining my life.”

When I launch these challenges the “liberal” blogs will say I am secretly gay. That is the way they always respond. It’s a silly personal insult revealing nothing more than the unfortunate fact that many gays secretly hate themselves. I will simply ignore such insults and proceed with the lawsuits.

So, Dr. Mike reads “liberal” blogs like this one that poke fun at him! My life’s work has been all worth while!

Now, just a snippet from a column that should have been must-snark reading for everyone when it came out a couple of weeks ago: Thomas “Kidney’s R’ Us” Sowell on why insurance is immoral.

The gist of his arguement is that when people have insurance, they are motivated to do stupid stuff, like buy houses near water or get brain tumors.

Television reporter John Stossel has told how he got government insurance “dirt cheap” to insure a home only a hundred feet from the ocean. Eventually, the ocean moved in and did a lot of damage, but the taxpayer-subsidized insurance covered the costs of fixing it. Four years later, the ocean came in again, and this time it took out the whole house. But the taxpayer-subsidized government insurance paid to replace the whole house.

And the moral of this story is that Stossel should reimburse the American tax payers for every dime he took from them … unless he wants to be known as a big, greedy hypocrite.

Well, Thomas says that the moral is that by insuring Stossel’s house, it encouraged him make stupid choices, thus leading to his career in moralizing and porn. Per Thomas, this is the same reason that we have poor people (because welfare encourages them to not to be born into the Bush dynasty) and why there is a homeless problem (because life on the streets is made so very tempting by, um, the fact that we have streets).

We also hear a lot of talk about “the uninsured,” for whose benefit we are to drastically change the whole medical-care system. But income data show that many of those uninsured people have incomes from which they could easily afford insurance. But they can live it up instead, because the government has mandated that hospital emergency rooms treat everyone.

All of this is a large hazard to taxpayers. And it is not very moral.

And that is why we should, in fact, just do away with insurance for everyone. Because smart people will never face a disaster big enough to wipe out their savings, and good people will never need medical care. That’s the only moral way you can look at your neighbor bleeding in the gutter and just walk over him.

And now, a quick look at the latest big news in publishing:

And here’s a bit of the

Written in her own refreshingly candid voice, AMERICA BY HEART will include selections from classic and contemporary readings that have moved her-from the nation’s founding documents to great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies.

Yes, AMERICA BY HEART will include the nation’s founding documents, written in Sarah’s refreshingly candid voice. Plus, the plot of “Red Dawn,” as only Sarah can tell it. Anyway, if you have the inclination, share with us what you think some of these documents, songs, movies, etc. will be like. Maybe you’ll get published too!

Happy Birthday, M. Bouffant!

Posted by scott on September 19th, 2010

Today’s the natal anniversary of our fellow Angeleno and blogger M. (the M. stands for Mystery!) Bouffant, who admits to being born in 19XX, which is obviously a clue, and which I believe means he’s “as old as Dos Equis.”  Since the brand was founded in 1897, this would make him one hundred and thirteen years old.  However, using the little gray cells, we note that Dos Equis was not imported into the U.S. until 1973!  And since “imported into the U.S.” is a euphemism employed by first generation immigrants to describe how their pregnant mothers snuck across the southern border to give illegal life to them on U.S. soil, we can deduce that M. (the M. stands for Monsieur — he’s that classy!) Bouffant is thirty-sevens year old, and the Most Interesting Anchor Baby in the World.

M. Bouffant in undated file photo.

A list of historic coincidences and slightly less interesting people who were also born this day can be found on M.’s blog.  (Could he actually be the head of Britain’s MI6, which would make him James Bond’s superior, and currently a woman?  Click the link to find out!  Then come back and tell me, because I couldn’t actually find that information there.)

Happy birthday, M.  You’re kind, generous, and wise beyond your years (unless you’re actually a 113, in which case, would you like some apple sauce?  And a straw?).

Top 8 Google Searches

Posted by scott on September 19th, 2010

You know, after the ossified certitudes of Coach Dave Daubenmire, I’m in the mood to hear from people whose feet are not wearing a rut in the same narrow path, and whose minds still grapple with the Big Questions in life.  So it’s time for our semi-weekly attempt to answer the search engine queries that have lately deposited readers at World O’ Crap, bruised, bleeding, and bewildered like a man who took a wrong step in the dark and fell down his own coal chute.

1.  urban combat kung fu for christ for christ:

It’s G.I. Jesus™ with the Kung Fu Grip®.  Take on the Money Changers with his 9mm Galilee Glock (shoulder holster included!) and get Pontius Pilate before he gets you, with the Silent But Deadly™ Arrowhead-Shaped Crucifix!

G.I. Jesus™ Secret Headquarters Playset® with Real Combat Lace Curtains® Sold Separately!

And just check out the detail!  G.I. Jesus™ comes with pitiless, Thousand Yard Stare, and Real Facial Stigmata Action!

2.  married jew women head: Well, it’s a start.  But if I were you, I’d make sure she at least threw in the clavicles before I got serious about shopping for a ring.

3.  how does boy cats privates supposed to look ? Guest columnist Moondoggie has agreed to handle this one…

“Look on my junk, ye Mighty, and despair!”


Coach Dave: Do You Hear The Jungle Drums, Fernando?

Posted by scott on September 16th, 2010

You undoubtedly know “Coach” Dave Daubenmire, either from Sadly, No!, or perhaps as the guy who screamed at you to take a lap, then sneered and called you a “lady” until you successfully climbed the rope in the gym.  And for your own sake I certainly hope you got the lead out, because the coach will brook no excuses, whether it be athlete’s foot, menstrual cramps, lazy eye, or psychosomatic Blackness.


Hypochondria—extreme depression of mind or spirits often centered on imaginary physical ailments.

Afro-chondria—extreme depression of mind or spirits often centered on imaginary social ailments

Dichondra–leafy perennial that was a popular substitute for Bermuda grass in Southern California, until homeowners began to notice that their lazy, shiftless lawn was just laying around, collecting welfare.

So, because he is black all of the white people hate him. Is that we are supposed to believe?

Dave sort of leaped into the middle of his diatribe here, but I assume by “he,” the Coach means Obama, or possibly Ruben Studdard.

Even though millions of white Americans voted for Obama we are now fed media reports that white folks are against him because of his skin color.

Well, there were millions of white folks who didn’t vote for Obama in 2008, and it seems likely that any white people who are now “against him because of his skin color” are probably members of the latter group.  At least, that’s what Obama would deduce, if only because he, like Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown, has Occam’s Razor in his shoe.

I actually dislike the “white” side of him even more…

Because people are born black, they can’t help it.  But like homosexuality, turning race traitor is a choice.

and you won’t “you racist” me into an apology. I am sick and tired of seeing race used as an excuse for incompetence.

I understand Coach Dave’s irritation.  It’s unfair that we white people can’t pardon our incompetence with trendy rationalizations like “race,” and have to fall back on threadbare old excuses like “alcoholism,” or, “my dad was president, and I’m a legacy.”

(I suppose it is right about here that I need to throw out the I-am-not-a-racist-disclaimer that the race-hustlers have made part of any discussion about Negroes in America…

I liked Negroes in America, Tony Kushner’s 1975 blaxploitation film, but I just didn’t buy Roy Cohen as the Mack Daddy pimp.

you do remember when they used to call them Negroes, don’t you?

Yes, I believe it was 30 years ago in the United States, and 30 seconds ago in the Daubenmire household.

Well, I refuse to do it…even though the President is one of the few to whom the phrase “Afro” actually applies. It is the “American” part that I am having trouble with.)

“I’m not giving up another word that starts with N!  These people are insatiable!”

I am sure some of you are very uncomfortable right now.

No, I’m good, actually; but then, I planned ahead.  I always said to myself, “if I’m ever invited to a Klan meeting, I’m wearing my 300 count percales.”

That’s ok. You see, I am one of the few dinosaurs remaining in America who have not given over the use of the English language to the thought police. As any good umpire would tell you, I call them as I see them.

…through a glass, darky.

It is time to stop making excuses for “oppressed” blacks. The President of the United States is black.

Which means that no black people are oppressed, and all black people are technically President of the United States, which explains why so many of them drive nice cars.

There are more posters of black athletes hanging on the walls of suburban white kids in America than there are pictures of white guys adorning the walls of black kids in the ghettos.

And despite Mattel’s efforts to meet ghetto-dwellers halfway, only a handful of little Negro girls can be seen playing with new Drop of Blood Barbie.  Sales figures for her sidekick, Stockholm Syndrome Skipper have also been disappointing in inner city areas.

Upwards of ninety percent of blacks voted for a black man for President.

When they could have voted for this guy!

Doesn’t that have a tinge of racism?

And more than a touch of irony, considering McCain’s teeth are “high yellow.”  Joke’s on you, ghetto-denizens!

If ninety percent of white voters had voted for the white guy the African wouldn’t be president. Somebody explain to me how racism has held Obama back.

More importantly, someone explain to the Coach how racism, which has been so effective in holding black people back since the Colonial era, suddenly dropped the ball in 2008.  Was it just a one time case of leaving it in the locker room; racism was having a bad night; it was the kind of thing that could happen to any ism?  Or was cheating involved?  Did racism take a dive because it was in to the Mob for fifty large?  Or were the officials bribed to look the other way, allowing the opposing team to bring in this ringer from Africa?

Isn’t labeling the Tea Party as “racist” stereotyping? I thought that was a bad thing. Heck, we can’t even call the terrorists “Muslim” anymore. Well this is one guy who has had enough of it.

It’s good to see the Coach has finally hit on an effective method of civil disobedience.  Previously, when denied the language of mid-century typology, this one guy threatened to hold his breath until he turned blue.  But nobody cared, and he wound up holding it until he turned navy blue, which in a certain light can be confused with black, and makes it hard to match your socks.  Instead, he will simply refer to himself in the third person until everyone agrees to refer to them as “Negroes,” “Coloreds,” or “decorative blackamoors.”

So, I would like to introduce a new phrase into the American lexicon today.

AFRO-CHONDRIA–the belief that anything bad that happens to a black American is a result of the color of the skin.

I see the Coach has adopted Michael Savage Weiner’s “Liberalism is a Mental Disorder” theory, but refined and expanded it by adding “melanin” to the DSM IV.  This looks like fun, so I hope no one minds if I also toss a neologism into the pot:

LYNCH-PHOBIA–the irrational belief, most often experienced while undergoing an extra-judicial hanging by a group of white men, that you have somehow been singled out for persecution.

I love sports. It is the one place where the law of the jungle truly holds sway. Survival of the fittest is the honor code on the athletic field. In fact, if we will be honest, ALL races believe that Negroes are better athletes. The sheer statistical numbers bear that out.

Coach Daubenmire: Creationist in daily life, but a Darwinist on the playing fields of Eatin’.

Where is white affirmative action in sports? I’d love to be raking in all of that NBA money. But I can’t…not because of my skin color…but because I can’t jump.

..because of your skin color.

Performance is expected on the athletic field, while “special favors” are expected off of it. One makes it in the NFL BECAUSE of his race, while race is somehow a handicap off of the field.

So it all works out even.  Racial discrimination off the field is just nature’s way of making poor black kids financially compensate white people for all the money they’re paying Kobe Bryant, thereby restoring balance to the Force.

Obama’s performance stinks. Who cares what color he is, unless of course, you are an Afro-Chondriac who would argue that his performance is great but our perception of it is influenced because we are racists. Poor guy. It is obvious that black guys can’t make it in America. (You listening LeBron?)

Coach Daubenmire isn’t against Obama because he’s Black.  He’s against him because all the Blacks are for him!  It’s a subtle difference.

Wake up folks. Racism is dead.

Well, it’s dead in the way Jason is always dead in the penultimate scene of a Friday the 13th movie, so it’s sort of an affirmative action death.

Oh, there are little pockets of it here and there, but the greatest wave of racism can be found in the black community.

That’s why it’s best to keep them penned up in ghettos.  It’s not segregation, it’s a quarantine.

Being a racist is socially acceptable in the black community. Can you even imagine the ridicule that would ensue if John McCain had blamed his defeat on his race? “I lost because my white heritage has conditioned me to compromise my beliefs so that others will accept me.”

Well, it would be far from the craziest thing McCain has ever said.  But I give credit to Coach Dave — when he lost a Republican Congressional primary in Ohio, he didn’t even consider putting the blame on his fondness for late 19th century eugenics.

Euro-Chondria is not accepted as a legitimate disorder. Only blacks can blame their difficulties on their skin color.

So all you White screw-ups, also-rans, and ne’er-do-wells: drop your Coppertone and start slathering on the mahogany wood stain!

(Isn’t it refreshing to hear some speak the Truth?)

I haven’t felt this refreshed since the last time I used a Fleet enema.

I love black people…oops…I love people…even black ones.

Well.  That truth-speaking thing didn’t last long, did it?  Back to the drug store…

I have coached some remarkable young black men in my life. Not one of the great one’s ever made an excuse. They accepted the fact that most blacks liked blacks better than whites and that most whites liked whites better than blacks.

Coach Daubenmire leads his team with the same approach he takes to doing the laundry.  Sure, like most men he would prefer to simply throw it all in one load and start the machine, but he takes that extra time to first separate the whites and the colors.

Afro-Chondria is one of the greatest obstacles that black-Americans face. Playing along with their imaginary illness may make one seem more compassionate, but it still leaves the patient feeling sick and dependant.

Those four Sunday School students at the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church in Birmingham would have been fine after the bomb went off if they’d just gotten up and walked it off.

It is time to stop perpetuating the big lie. Blaming the Boogie Man of white racism never forces one to deal with the real problem.

Which is Black racism.  And it’s a serious problem that’s only getting worse, because while White people have most of the guns, one of their guys has access to nuclear weapons.  If we don’t get some Dirk Nowitski posters up in ghetto bedrooms soon, we’re screwed.

Happy Birthday, S.Z.!

Posted by scott on September 12th, 2010


It’s been a tough week all around, so it’s nice that we can end it on a bit of a high note by paying tribute to the most kind, caring, and generous person I know, and I don’t say that simply because she’s a great friend, or because she’s a brilliant writing partner, or because I’ve been conditioned to say it whenever I see the Queen of Diamonds.  I say it because it’s true, although faint praise, and certainly not news to anyone who’s been hanging around World O’ Crap for any length of time.  And that raises another point — she also founded my favorite blog, and it seems unfair that in addition to being sort of saintly, she’s also amazingly smart and funny.

Which makes me feel even worse than usual about posting this Ann Coulter picture, but tradition is tradition…

Best-selling author Ann Coulter seen modeling a luxurious fur of her own design.  No stranger to firearms or hunting, the sleek and stunning coat was handmade by the Constitutional scholar and conservative gadfly after she shot and skinned John Stossel’s mustache.

Please join me in wishing Sheri a happy, and largely cat puke-free day.

UPDATE THE SECOND: Thers wrote a very nice birthday tribute to s.z. over at Eschaton.  She is, indeed, the Mother of many snark-children.

UPDATE: I awoke to find that ace relief columnist Bill S. had sent in a tribute of his own.  Take it away, Bill…

I just realized this morning that today is Sheri’s birthday. Now, this is a little embarrassing, but the ONLY reason I’m able to remember it is because I once listed a bunch of celebrities who shared her birthday in a comments section, and one of the names stuck in my head so when his birthday rolls around it reminds me of hers.

That, in itself, wouldn’t be so embarrassing, except the person in question is BENJAMIN McKENZIE.

Who, you may ask, is that? Well, he’s a blonde, babyfaced actor who starred on the teen drama The O.C. as the brooding Ryan Atwood, who worked a wife-beater better than anyone since Brando in the 50′s. He’s also played the loser husband of Amy Adams in Junebug, and currently plays a rookie cop on Southland. I can’t imagine why his names sticks in my head. (I was going to include a picture at this point but I’m too lazy for uploading and attaching, etc. Ah well.)

[No problem, Bill!  Enjoy the t-shirted synchronicity! -- Scott]

Other people who share her b’day:

H.L. Mencken (b. 1880, d. 1956) author, just like Sheri, except she’s not a crypto-anti-semite, and hasn’t given birth to a whole generation of toxic imitators like Roger Kimball, or the consonant wasting R. Emmett Tyrrell.

Maurice Chevalier  (b. 1888, d. 1972) actor singer who set the standard by which all other charming Frenchmen are measured, and inevitably fall short of.

Jesse Owens (b. 1913, d. 1980) Olympic athlete and sticker in Hitler’s craw.

Desmond Llewelyn (b. 1914, d. 1999) Welsh actor whose surname I can never correctly pronounce.

Ian Holm (b. 1931) dependable character actor

George Jones (b. 1931) Dependable country legend. (And What Becomes a Legend Most? Silky fur coats from the Ann Coulter line of Mustache Minks!)

Linda Gray (b. 1940) actress, AKA Sue Ellen on Dallas.

Maria Mulaur (b. 1943) bluesy pop singer best known for the guilty-pleasure (for me anyway) “Midnight At the Oasis”. (A song which, were she to sing it in public nowadays, would probably get her burned in effigy at one of Pam Geller’s anti-Park51 rallies)

Barry White (b. 1944, d. 2003) Eternally cool R&B singer.

Joe Pantoliano (b. 1951) actor

Peter Scolari (b. 1955) Actor, remembered best for his roles on Bosom Buddies and Newhart

Ben Folds (b. 1966) musician who’s rockin’ the suburbs just like Quiet Riot did.

Louis C.K. (b. 1967) Funny human.

Paul F. Tompkins (b. 1968) Funny human

Amy Yasbeck (b. 1962) Actress, widow of John Ritter

Rachel Ward (b. 1957) ridiculously attractive actress

Paul Walker (b. 1973)  ridiculously attractive actor

James Frey (b. 1969) author who was stupid enough to think that he could lie to Oprah!

Yao Ming (b. 1980) ridiculously tall basketball player

Jennifer Hudson (b. 1981) actress and singer who won an Oscar for Dreamgirls, but years earlier competed on American Idol.

Two other former American Idol contestants nobody remembers or cares about.

and last but not least, Jason Statham (b. 1972), action hero.