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Archive for July, 2010

The Goldberg Masturbations

Posted by scott on July 29th, 2010

After the way the media gulped down Andrew Breitbart’s recent Capricorn One-style video hoax, I was feeling a bit depressed about the state of modern journalism.  Fortunately Jonah Goldberg has devoted his latest LA Times column to setting me straight.  Turns out, things are better than ever, now that those guys like Murrow and Cronkite are dead.

The new journalism

“The high standards and wise judgments of people like Walter Cronkite once acted as a national immune system, zapping scandal mongers and quashing wild rumors,” wrote former “green jobs czar” Van Jones in the Sunday New York Times.

This may be one of the most unintentionally hilarious lines in recent memory. Jones left the White House when his background — as an alleged 9/11 “truther” and as a self-confessed “communist” and “revolutionary” — became grist for the Fox News mill. Mainstream media mostly ignored the story until after he was fired.

How amusing that this Jones fellow — the hapless victim of a vendetta by Fox News — yearns for a day when the memory of McCarthyism was fresh enough that ordinary standards of professional judgment and editorial due diligence were sufficient to prevent newscasters and commentators from pillorying minor government officials as “avowed, self-avowed radical revolutionary communist[s],” and “convicted felon[s].”  It’s almost like he thinks he didn’t deserve this kind of treatment, which is rib-tickling, because if the guy had a scrap of decency, Battered Wife Syndrome would have kicked in by now.

Now Jones, with billets at Princeton and the Center for American Progress, casts himself as yet another victim, just like Shirley Sherrod, the Department of Agriculture employee fired last week after website publisher Andrew Breitbart released a misleadingly edited video of her (Breitbart, a friend, insists to me that he did not edit the video himself).

Exactly.  Who’re you gonna believe?

This guy, who’s involved with Princeton University and the Center for American Progress, groups which are probably on the Secretary of State’s list of known communist front organizations?

Or this guy, who “released a misleadingly edited video of [Sherrod]” after releasing a series of misleadingly edited videos (with soft core inserts) about ACORN, but who gave Jonah his word that he doesn’t know how to use iMovie?  Well, if you’re a high profile pundit and author writing for one of the nation’s great newspapers, you’re faced with a profound moral and professional dilemma, unless you’re Jonah Goldberg, in which case you can just write whatever.  Besides, Breitbart looks exactly like the guy who sold us pot in high school, so it’s probably wise to stay on his good side just in case the Marijuana Legalization Initiative doesn’t pass in November.

You’ve just got to love Jones — a former member of STORM (Standing Together to Organize a Revolutionary Movement), a Mao-influenced organization with a “commitment to the fundamental principles of Marxism-Leninism” — giving Cronkite, the dashboard saint of bourgeois America, his props as a linchpin of American democracy. Yes, yes, Jones says he’s no longer the Red radical he says he was, say, a decade ago. But still: Come on.

That’s like David Horowitz, a self-confessed “red diaper baby” saying he’s no longer a Red radical, when clearly, beneath his sober charcoal gray suit, he still has the diaper rash.  Which is red.  But still.  Really.  Clap on.

I must say, I find such nonsense exhilarating and exasperating.

Coming from Jonah, that sounds less like a critique of modern journalism and more like a report on his experiments in auto-erotic asphyxiation.


Dr. A: a Case Study

Posted by s.z. on July 28th, 2010

Greetings, esteemed colleagues. As a public service, it’s now time to perform a psychiatric diagnosis of somebody you’ve never treated. You know, like how Robin of Berkeley and all those other alleged mental health workers on the right do. Our subject is one Dr. Mike A. (To preserve his anonymity, we won’t use his whole name, but we do have to use his academic title or he has a hissy fit.)
Subject is a middle-aged, divorced college professor who has recently suffered a professional setback. He exhibits anger, a lack of empathy, problems interacting with others, and general jerkiness; his claims of superiority over others seem to be a fragile construct to protect him from his secret fears of his own lack of worth.

What follows are notes from his most recent session:

“The Eunuch Horn”
Dr. A. spends the whole session criticizing one Kate Bornstein, whose writings on transgendered issues are apparently frquently used in “Sociology of Gender” courses. Subject becomes incensed over the idea that one’s brain can reflect a different gender than that of the genitals that supposedly God gave one.

Subject readily accepts Bornstein’s assertion that there is a “gender pyramid,” and states that “the factors that help one climb to the top of the hierarchy include “Being white, being a citizen of the USA, being a Protestant-defined Christian, being heterosexual, [...] possessing a well-formed, above-average-length penis, a pair of reasonably-matched testicles, and at least an average sperm count.” What he strenuously objects to is the idea that one should “dismantle the pyramid altogether” by refusing to accept the idea that these factors make one superior. [Why is this idea so repugnant to Subject? Does he suspect that he doesn't possess some of the qualities that would raise him to the top of the pyramid but hates the idea that one can challenge these cultural preferences?]

Here are some of Subject’s words:

It’s not at all surprising that Bornstein’s readers are asked to contemplate what their God-given gender assignment does for them. In higher education, the focus is always on them. It is certainly never on God.

Dr, Mike’s point apparently being that if God gives one male genitalia, then one is flouting God’s will by changing this. Dr. Mike never addresses the issue of whether children born with cleft palates should just accept their God-given mouth without complaint, because resorting to surgery would show their lack of accord with God’s will.

In the past, I have offended some transgendered persons by asking these two questions: 1) Does the act of removing a man’s penis make him into a woman? 2) If your answer to #1 is “yes,” does re-attaching it to his forehead make him a unicorn?

Those two questions are my little way of asking the transgendered community whether there is any limit to their delusional belief that they can simply be whatever they perceive themselves to be. Their “reassignment” of mental illness – saying that others who oppose them suffer from “trans-phobia” – supplies the answer.

Dr. Mike’s emphatic declaration that the transgendered are mentally ill for not being content with the body they were born with seems too angry to simply be an intellectual critique of an idea that he doesn’t agree with. What else is going on here?

Clearly, today’s “intellectual” is unwilling to admit that a man who thinks he is a woman is mentally ill. But what about the man who thinks he is God?

And what about the man who is positive that he knows God’s will? Why does Subject feel that trying to match one’s self-perceived gender with one’s body is playing God? Why is the idea of sexual-reassignment so threatening to Subject?

Before long, “intellectuals” will side-step the issue. There will be no contradiction between being human and not-human. We will have rebelled against “God” as a perfect classification.

Dear colleagues, I suspect that there are many issues that we could address. So, below the fold you will find a very brief review of Subject’s previous 15 sessions.

Subject, Dr. A.


Only Love Pads the Resumé

Posted by scott on July 27th, 2010

I think I speak for everyone in the World O’ Crap community when I say how thrilled I was to see s.z. revisiting Megan Cox Gurdon, the husband she apparently stole from one of the lesser Madame Tussauds exhibits, and their children, Cleft, Antipode, Wainscoting, Diurnal, and Tattersall.

I’m also encouraged to see that son Quisp (or “the heir,” as I believe he’s known around chez Gurdon) has had enough of the daily schoolyard beatings, and has finally ceased aping Mummy’s mid-Atlantic speech impediment.  Oh, sure, this means that he too will soon be stuffed with sawdust, hand-dipped in a vat of hot wax, and posed along with Pater in the living room diorama, but it was good enough for Carolyn Jones.

Speaking of old friends, I notice it’s been quite awhile since we checked in on Ellis Washington over at World Net Daily, but alas, all good things must come to an end.  For those who may have forgotten, Ellis:

is former editor of the Michigan Law Review and law clerk at The Rutherford Institute.

When we first met Mr. Washington, Doghouse Riley marveled that “twenty years later ‘an editor of the Michigan Law Review’ and ‘law clerk for the Rutherford Institute’ are at the top of his resumé.”  As it happens, even that hoary credit may have been somewhat upholstered; according to Ed Brayton at Scienceblogs:

The bio at the bottom of his WND posts start with, “Ellis Washington is former editor of the Michigan Law Review…” That is false. He was never even a student at the U of M Law School. As an undergrad, he was chosen from three students to take a temporary job with the law review (replacing someone who had health problems, I believe) where he did mostly cite-checking and footnote checking. And it looks like it only lasted for one issue. “Former editor” makes it sound as though he was the actual editor; he was not.

Well, great.  If this is the impossible standard we’re going to hold people to, then I guess I can just kiss off my plans to claim I was part of the Algonquin Round Table, because I once met a friend for drinks at the Algonquin, and to get to where she was sitting I had to walk ’round a table.

He hosts a radio program Thursdays at 11 a.m. Eastern on 1620 AM in Atlanta.

Surprisingly, that part is true.

Radio Jefferson 1620 AM is a small town radio station dedicated to giving out the local news as well as broadcasting all sporting events for the local high schools.

Radio Jefferson was originally an internet station, although this article predicted it would begin regular over-the-air broadcasts in August of 2007:

The man spearheading the city’s radio station, Brad Dillard, says it’s mainly going to be old-style talk radio, with neighbors talking to neighbors about gardens, recipes and community goings-on.

Radio Jefferson already is streaming over the Internet at www.radiojeffersonga.com. On Aug. 1, it will be on the actual radio airwaves at 1620 AM.

By linking up a series of low-power antennas, none more than 10 feet high, the station’s signal will cover 65 square miles, Ward said.

Dillard said he got the idea for the station as he looked for a way to broadcast Jefferson High School football games.

The website doesn’t appear to work (or exist), but it’s only been three years — I’m sure they’ll get around to throwing up an Angelfire page eventually.  In the meantime, maybe our friend Ivan can tune in the station some night when the atmospheric conditions are perfect, and share a few of Ellis’ political insights, Frosh-Soph football picks, and his award-winning recipe for water chestnut stuffing.

It can be heard online at the Radio Sandy Springs website. His weekly podcasts are available Mondays at The Conservative Beacon. Washington is a graduate of John Marshall Law School and a lecturer and freelance writer on constitutional law, legal history and critical race theory.

As you may recall, Mr. Washington’s WND bio used to describe him as “a professor of law and political science at Savannah State University,” although the University’s website preferred to see him as a “part-time Instructor.”  Now, apparently, he’s left the kudzu-covered halls of Ole SSU behind and gone rogue!  Folks ambling peacefully down the streets of Jefferson, Georgia, minding their own business, never know when Ellis Washington may leap from behind a corner mailbox and begin freelance lecturing them.  It’s caused many a gray hair to sprout amongst the citizenry, although some claim they’ve been enriched by the experience, especially when he closes with that mouth-watering water chestnut stuffing recipe.

He has written over a dozen law review articles and several books, including “The Inseparability of Law and Morality: The Constitution, Natural Law and the Rule of Law” (2002).

Out of print.  No reviews on Amazon.

Washington’s latest book is “.”

In stock!  Available for immediate shipment!  And reviewed twice!  Let’s see what the critics have to say about this no doubt major piece of historiography:


I Owe My Soul to the Company Store

Posted by s.z. on July 26th, 2010

As Rocky would tell the audience after Bullwinkle failed to pull a rabbit from his hat, “Now for something you’ll really like!” And that something was commercials. And I never really liked them. Damned lying squirrel!

Speaking of which, I just happened to notice the “Ads by Google” on the edge of the site. And they are for things that World o’ Crap endorses highly. So, let’s highlight them here:

Gold Confiscation
Learn why the US confiscated gold in 1933 & how to protect yourself

You’ll learn that the US confiscated this gold for the safety of the public, after the gold was found to be spying for the Nazis. You can protect yourself from this evil gold by collecting it, putting it in an envelope, and mailing it to us. We will make sure it can never hurt you . . .you know, as a public service. ‘Cause that’s the kind of blog we are.

Glenn Beck’s Economics
Hazlitt Influenced Road to Serfdom Nurture Your Community. Shop Indie.

This is not actually an ad for a product or service, but is instead a coded message to Russian sleepers in America. It’s from Glenn Beck.

New Tea Party Textbook
No Apology! Written by lawyer from Sarah Palin’s home town.

He had me at “lawyer”! But seriously, this sounds like the perfect gift for the novice tea partier in your life. He or she will learn how to make catchy signs, how to demand an end to taxes while collecting unemployment, the right way to announce that Obama is not the President of him/her, and how to find true love at a Flag Day rally. And if it was written by someone from Sarah’s home town, you KNOW if must be good. (Speaking of which, did you know that Wasilla now produces salmon-flavored vodka? I think it’s to honor Sarah.)

Anyway, we urge you to support our sponsors by buying all of these products, and in the case of the message from KGB Headquarters, carrying out your mission as directed.

We now return control of your computer to you.

Born to be Wild

Posted by s.z. on July 26th, 2010

Your exemplary new names for the gaggle of Gosselins made me nostalgic for the days when we came up with all those creative and vibrant monikers for the Gurdon Gang. And that made me wonder what Meghan and the kids have been up to lately. So, I made the effort to check out the latest exemplar of Meghan’s twice-weekly column at The Washington Examiner (Motto: “We’re not even the Washington Times, but we are a paper. Really!”). And it’s a good thing I did, because it seems that only son Trojan has become a teenager, and has begun to rebel. Sure, we all saw this coming, but when it did, it was more brutal than any of us could have imagined. So, let’s observe for a moment and then start the intervention.

How to be, like, incredibly boring

“Jonathan and me had less than the other guys!”

“Jonathan and I had fewer than the other guys,” I corrected automatically.

“Whatever,” said the 13-year-old, and if I didn’t know him to be above such gestures, I might have suspected him of rolling his eyes. The phrase in our family for this teenage reflex is “glancing up at the ceiling and back.” So far he’d resisted.

“No, really, it matters,” I insisted. “If you’re talking about something that can be counted individually, like dollars or pizzas, you say “fewer.” If you’re talking about material that comes in quantity, like sugar or fabric or money, you say ‘less.’”

The boy looked at me. He asked: “Do you seriously think I care?”

“Darling, you should,” I said.

“But I don’t,” he replied, his blue eyes betraying not a flicker of insolence. “Honestly, I don’t care. No one does.”

Egad, young Plato has not only used his eyes in an unapproved manner, but he has also declared that he doesn’t care about grammar! And we all know where this road is going to lead him: to an illpaid and unprestigious job at the NRO.

So, if you have any parenting tips or English useage rules to share, please, for the love of all that’s holy, do so now!

Oh, and here’s a photo of Meghan and husband Hugo (they’re the ones in front), courtesy of “The Frump Forum.” I don’t know what is going on here, but if you want to speculate, I would really enjoy it.

Today’s Sermon: For Which Videos Would Jesus Pretend to Be a Ho?

Posted by s.z. on July 25th, 2010

In his latest column, Doug Giles says that the media should stop mentioning the “Sherrod Charade,” and should instead focus on race-related stories where Brietbart and Fox News aren’t protrayed as hacks, nit-wits, and agenda-driven ninnies.

Like what, you ask? ACORN, Doug replies.

How that $8.5 billion story, rife with money laundering, tax fraud, home loans for whorehouses and 13-year-old El Salvadoran sex slaves—complete with a faux pimp and prostitute and undercover videos—escaped the BSM’s notice is beyond me. Oh, and not to mention that ACORN was pretty handy dandy in registering felons and dead people to vote for their Euro-Socialist wannabes.

Shorter Doug: Pay more attention to my daughter’s stint as a pretend prostitute, damn it!

Because it is Sunday and Doug is a minister, let’s do what Doug wants.

So, here’s the basic ACORN “Brietbart video” story:

During the 2006 mid-term elections, political controversy emerged over voter registration fraud by four ACORN employees. In 2009, selectively edited videos were released by two conservative activists using a hidden camera to elicit damaging responses from low-level ACORN employees that falsely appeared to advise them how to hide prostitution activities and avoid taxes.

And, courtesy of Pammie Geller, here’s a photo of Hannah, her pimp, and a john. You’re welcome, Doug.

Okay, I’m just going to warn you…this one’s gonna get weird.

So the day started out normal, with Moondoggie splayed and unconscious in my chair….

Mary thought he looked cute, as usual, and snapped a couple of photos.  But Riley, who disdains the camera, but craves the spotlight, would not be ignored, and leaped into the frame.

“Do your worst, insolent shutterbug!”

And this is where it got strange…


Happy Birthday, Heydave!

Posted by scott on July 24th, 2010

The birthdays come fast and furious this time of year, which makes me think that October must be a very popular time for Makin’ Whoopee, as Eddie Cantor, or Bob Eubanks might say.  It further reminds me of a short poem by comedian Ed Bluestone, which appeared, I believe, in National Lampoon many years ago:

When the weather’s hot and sticky,
That’s no time for dunkin’ dicky.
When the frost is on the pumpkin,
That’s the time for dicky dunkin’.

Today we’re honoring the extremely luscious heydave, who is, all kidding aside, one of the nicest and smartest people in the entire Corn Belt, and a very witty and perceptive commenter.  I’m sure his birth date is rich in history, colorful personalities, and antioxidants.

1487 – Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands strike against ban on foreign beer.  The blockade is ultimately broken when Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed smuggle a trailer full of Coors across the state line.

1823 – Slavery is abolished in Chile.  Andrew Breitbart’s great-great-great-grandfather runs a popular pamphlet in Santiago, and immediately releases intaglio engravings showing that the ex-slaves are bigoted against white people.

1832 – Benjamin Bonneville leads the first wagon train across the Rocky Mountains by using Wyoming’s South Pass, but is repeatedly cited for tailgating and passing on the right.

1929 – The Kellogg-Briand Pact goes into effect.  The Pact renounces war as an instrument of foreign policy, and suggests we try to get more fiber in our diet.

Also Born This Day:

1529 – Karl II, Margrave of Baden-Durlach, governor of the Margravate of Durlach, whose famous dying words were, “What the hell’s a Margrave?  I thought I was a Zoning Board Commissioner.”

1561 – Maria of Palatinate-Simmern, Duchess of Södermanland, a land where all the men look like Steven Soderbergh.

1880 – Kristian Hellström, Swedish athlete who had a phobia about insects taking over the world.

1897 – Amelia Earhart, American aviator, World’s Greatest Hide ‘N Seek player, and the first woman to win the World Hide ‘N Seek Series (we tried to get a statement from her, but it appears she’s currently playing on the Senior Tour).

1900 – Zelda Fitzgerald.  I haven’t looked this one up, but I’m pretty sure she’s a character from a Nintendo game.

1951 – Lynda Carter, American actress.  I don’t have a joke here, I just can’t handle two Ann Coulter pics in one week:

Now let’s check your horoscope, shall we?

The Sun conjuncts the South Node in your Solar Return chart, indicating that you are likely to be dealing with karma in your personal relationships, especially those with men.

Translation:  the faces of those you’ve wronged will float up before you.  Also, Tuck’s makes an ointment that’s very effective in soothing and shrinking South Nodes.

Relationships always mirror our own inner conflicts, but this year, you are bound to find particular meaning in your relationship dynamics in terms of your own life path.

That vague enough for ya?

With Venus in a dynamic aspect to Saturn in your Solar Return, getting serious about love or money (or both) will be a theme this year.

According to Cafeastrology.com, this year you’ll begin a serious relationship with Hannah Giles!

An existing relationship may become more serious, or you may form a new partnership with a serious or older person.

Or a person who is both serious and older.  Like this guy:

Now, he does have a very manly, hairy chest (or he’s raising switch grass in his sweater vest), but if I were you, I’d still try to meet Hannah’s quote.

You are likely to work hard this year, and this could interfere with pleasure time.

Hammer Time, however, will still occur according to schedule.

However, Venus is also harmonizing with Jupiter, Neptune, and Chiron, and you are likely more understanding and accepting of friends and romantic partners.

But the women in your life are still likely to be disappointed that the Music of the Spheres is a Barbershop Quartet.

Happy birthday, heydave, and thanks for everything.  We hope you’re having a great time, or the closest facsimile possible in Iowa.

P.S. from s.z.

Happy birthday from me too, heydave! The world is better because you’re in it. So, here’s my birthday gift to you — and it’s not a photo of Ann Coulter!

Google Street Vi-EWWW!

Posted by scott on July 24th, 2010

Here’s a subspace distress call we just received from our good friend and drinking buddy, Chris Vosburg:

Captain’s log, Stardate 100724:

Stellar Cartography has identified an anomaly hovering over one of the Camerford System planets, and a class 3 probe launched to investigate has disappeared without a trace. An attempt to dispatch Ensign Crusher to the site in a shuttlecraft has been scotched by Doctor Crusher, who has unfortunately been made wary by the repeated attempts to shove her son Weasley out the nearest airlock.

In other words, one of the local Jays has boldly shat where no bird has shat before, right on the dome of Google’s passing Street Level camera vehicle.

Personally, I have no problem with the Googlemobile, but as I have learned from repeated attacks, the Jay is a very territorial bird, and moves quickly– and accurately, i might add– to defend what’s hers.

How do I know a Jay did that? You might well ask, as did the authors of this book.

No shit, you could look it up.

Top Ten Wo’C Google Searches

Posted by scott on July 24th, 2010

Every once in awhile we check to see what search strings have built up in the World O’ Crap referrer logs, much like that guy at Jiffy Lube who comes out to the waiting room to cluck his tongue about all the gunk in your fuel filter. So let’s see which questions The Algorithm has so badly bungled that it actually sent people to us for answers…

1.  how to make eyes: I assume this is for a Jaycees Haunted House and the answer is, “use peeled grapes.”

2.  ghost with a boner: This is a popular Hong Kong (Category III) horror film.  It’s also what happens when a healthy young dead guy sees an attractive, nubile, and deceased girl in an Invisible Bikini.

3.  model pretending to be a whore: Also known as “art imitating life.”

4.  bishop stonewall shelton toomsuba ms: Welcome, Your Grace. Here’s the post you’re looking for.

5.  shaddam hussain: Also known as shaddam IV, the 81st Padishah Emperor of the known universe, and a really embarrassing way for Jose Ferrer to end his career.

6.  fatal vagina: During the Bush Administration, this was the title of the federally approved textbook used in Abstinence Only sex education classes.

7.  Separated At Birth Queries:

a.)  hitler’s disney sketches:
b.)  hitler’s autopsy pictures:

Mix and Match Them!

8.  high foreheads surgery: This is the latest Tinsel Town trend in cosmetic enhancements.  After a vogue for wearing unnecessary eyeglasses in an effort to look smart, Young Hollywood is fighting the age-old “blondes are dumb” canard with Forehead Implants.

Nothing says “Einsteinian intellect” like a forehead that resembles two butts pressed against a plate glass window.

9.  “bib overalls” bald: Like “the Brazilian,” this is a term of art for a style of bikini wax, in which most of the hair is left intact, but shaped into an oblong and vajazzled with two brass buttons.

10.  dr. mike male stripper real name robert t******: At last it’s clear why Dr. Mike Adams feels so free to aggravate his colleagues, insult his superiors, and sue his own university — he’s got something to fall back on.

And since World O’ Crap is now a reality show — which, like so many reality shows, is basically just a game show — we come to the Open Source segment of our program, where we appeal to you, the Wo’C reader, to answer these perplexing queries, under pain of having Tyra Banks complain about your neck.

11.  anderson cooper gayest moments

12.  batman leotard fetish

13.  ghetto white people

14.  asperger’s “southern baptism”

15.  midichlorians how do they work