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Archive for September, 2007

George W. Bush Emails Me!

Posted by s.z. on September 27th, 2007

I’m having a bad day (I was up all night with a sick kitten), and don’t feel up to scouring the Net for stupidity — so. it was very thoughtful of President Bush to take time out of his busy schedule to send my some spam on behalf of the Republican Party, thus providing me with material with no effort on my part.

Therefore, with no futher ado, allow me to present President George W. Bush’s email, but with all the BS removed:

Dear Republican,

During my six and a half years in office, you and I have worked together to advance the Republican Party’s principles to keep America safe, strengthen our economy, protect our values and extend the American Dream to every person who’s fortunate to be a citizen of our great country.

Okay, instead of striking out the rest of the email, let me just cut to the chase:

That is why I hope you will make a special online gift of $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, or $25 to keep the RNC’s 2008 election programs moving forward.

Sorry, but I’m all tapped out.  What else do you want to sell me, George?

Republicans have a solid record when it comes to protecting the United States of America.

After the enemy attacked us, I vowed I would rally this nation and use our resources to protect you.  And that is exactly what we have done. 

And we have been safe from tigers ever since he installed that special “no more tigers” rock in our front yard.

We have reformed our intelligence services to make sure we can find the enemy before they strike.  We have fought to deny them safe haven in Afghanistan and Iraq so they cannot plan and plot again.

And that has worked out exactly how ….?

The fight for freedom in Iraq is the fight for the security of the United States of America and we must prevail.  If we leave before the job is done, the enemy that attacked us would be emboldened. 

Then why the hell didn’t we fight that enemy instead of going to Iraq? Are you TRYING to make me want to smack somebody, George?

Okay, I guess I’m just not in the mood for this.  But here’s the rest of the email, if any of you want to have at it. 

I believe if our candidates take the message of doing what is necessary to protect the American people, we will win in 2008.

Republicans also have a solid record when it comes to growing this economy.

Republicans cut taxes for everybody who pays taxes.  We understand that if you have more money in your pocket to save, spend, or invest, the economy will grow.

If you look carefully at the budget the Democrats proposed, they want to return to the days of tax and spend.  They will raise your taxes and figure out new ways to spend your money.

If our candidates remind the American voter that tax cuts have worked, that the economy is strong as a result of the tax cuts, and instead of raising taxes, we ought to make the tax cuts permanent, we will retake the U.S. House and Senate and hold the White House in 2008.

You can win most elections based upon strong national defense and good economic policy.  But the RNC needs Sustaining Members to get this message out and support our Republican candidates.

Please support our cause today by making a special online contribution of $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, or $25 to the RNC to help elect Republicans at all levels in 2008.

Republican, Republicans believe in doing what’s right for America.  We believe that the best days lie ahead for our country.  And I believe that we’re going to succeed in 2008 with your support.


George W. Bush

P.S.  Republican, the RNC is leading our Party’s drive to keep the White House, reclaim our majorities in the U.S. House and Senate, and elect GOP legislators in all 50 states.  Please take a moment right now to make a special contribution of $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, or $25 today to help fully fund the RNC’s 2008 campaign programs.  Thank you.

So, I think we can sum up the President’s message to Republicans as follows: give us more money, suckers.

Anymore, more later, maybe.


The “Blame the Dead Grandmother” Defense

Posted by s.z. on September 26th, 2007

As I’m sure you all know, Bill “Some of My Best Friends are Colored People” O’Reilly has been getting some criticism just because he mentioned his amazement over the fact that black-owned restaurants are NO DIFFERENT than other dining places, such as Italian-owned restaurants.  Sure, every now and then you’re gonna have a mob-hit or a gang shoot-out in either establishment, but hey, they both have tables and serve food and such, and that’s what makes America great.

Well, Bill said it better than I could:

You know, I was up in Harlem a few weeks ago, and I actually had dinner with Al Sharpton, who is a very, very interesting guy.  … And we went to Sylvia’s, a very famous restaurant in Harlem.

And I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship. It was the same, and that’s really what this society’s all about now here in the U.S.A.  There’s no difference. There’s no difference. There may be a cultural entertainment — people may gravitate toward different cultural entertainment, but you go down to Little Italy, and you’re gonna have that. It has nothing to do with the color of anybody’s skin.

Now does that sound racist to you?  (Don’t answer, as your thoughts were no doubt paid for by George Soros and his evil minions at Media Matters.)

Anyway, Bill is now fighting back, claiming that CNN has “gone to the dark side” and joined his vast army of enemies, which now includes virtually every person in the world with an IQ above 90.

But the best part of Bill’s defense is his explanation of how a transcript of his own words was once again smearing him: see, it’s all his dead, racist grandmother’s fault.

Here’s Bill, explaining how his radio remarks came to be:

We had you [black person Juan Williams] on because your book, Enough, which is now out in paperback, is a very intelligent discussion about racism in America, and to set up your appearance, I told l people about my grandmother and how she feared blacks even though she didn’t know any blacks.

And then I proceeded to tell the audience how ridiculous the fear was by recounting a story about me going to Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem with Al Sharpton.

So, Bill’s astonishment over the fact that one can have a quiet meal in a black-owned restaurant was meant as a stern rebuke to dead grandma, and everybody else is the racist for not seeing that Bill is the good guy here. 

And the media is missing the point that this whole mess is grandma’s fault for fearing black people, even though there weren’t any of them in the squalid, poverty-stricken upper-middleclass neighborhood where Bill’s family lived.  Also, the smearers failed to pick up on the fact that all Bill was doing was telling dead Grandma that he had actually broken bread with a black person, and how wonderful it was to learn that they don’t practice cannibalism these days.

Anyway, I hope Dead Grandma feels properly put in her place by Bill’s story about his lunch with Al Sharpton, and I hope everybody else now realizes that Bill isn’t a racist.  I also hope that we all learned a valuable lesson from Bill about how black people are just PEOPLE, and how one can eat in a black-owned restaurant and live to tell the tale.

Revenge of the Gurdlings?

Posted by s.z. on September 25th, 2007

Okay, just for fun I Googled some Wo’C favorites to see what was new with them.  You’ll no doubt be saddened, as I was, to learn that Ryan Dobson’s puppy died (it hasn’t been proven as yet that Dr. Dobson strangled it). 

Also, it seems that Dr Mike Adams, Ph.D., is still whining “Help, help, I’m being repressed, and they aren’t promoting me to full professor either!,” as recounted in ”Some Evangelicals Find the Campus Climate Chilly — but Is That About Faith, or Politics?“ 

Here’s my favorite quote from that piece:

So when he was turned down, Mr. Adams started asking questions. The official word was that he hadn’t measured up in any of the three crucial categories — teaching, publishing, or service. He didn’t believe that for a minute. The real reason he wasn’t promoted, according to Mr. Adams, is that he’s a Christian.

And a dickwad.  But enough about Dr. Mike. 

Anyway, so there I was, Googling away for ”Meghan Cox Gurdon,” and you can imagine my excitement when the results included a new article entitled “Mama Dearest“.  However, it seems that it’s just Meghan’s review of Mary Gordon’s memoir, Circling My Mother, and not the tell-all we’ve been anticipating for so long .  But hey, just because young Aphrodite, Trojan, Activia, Windstar, and Baby Dumpling haven’t actually got around to writing the horrifying story of their life in a decaying Victorian house with an absent father, a feral rabbit, and a decaying Victorian mother, it doesn’t mean that the Weekly Lack of Standards shouldn’t publish a review of it.  

Therefore, because we want to, let’s just pretend that Meghan’s review of Gordon’s book is actually a review of the Gurdon kids’ future memoir.  (We only have to change the “o” to a “u” and it works perfectly!)

So, here you go!


Running With Pretentious Metaphors: An Account of a  Childhood Spent With the World’s Worst Mother (©TBoggCo)
by Lucretia, Felonious, Altoid, Wimple, and Baby Cupcake Gurdon  

It has become fashionable for memoirs to be scorchingly honest, and for authors to spare no ugly detail in recounting events and personalities that shaped them. In the Age of Oprah, if you don’t have a genuinely moving personal saga (e.g., Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s Infidel or Frank McCourt’s Angela’s Ashes) or a horror story (say, Augusten Burroughs’s Running with Scissors), then you are left with little choice, it seems, but to dig out the family dark bits and cast the people from whom you come in the cruelest possible light.  It sells copies, gets you talked about, and best of all, you cannot be blamed for the hurt you cause, for you are a brave truth-teller.

The five (or is nine now? It’s so hard to keep track) offspring Meghan Cox Gurdon, the influential Wall Street Journal children’s book review and former NRO “humor” columnist, have joined this last unhappy group by writing a pitiless, self-regarding remembrance of their mother’s life that will surely be enjoyable only to her fans, if she had any. It’s hard to imagine any other sort of reader who would wish to spend time in the narrative company of a woman who reveals herself on virtually every page to be as humorless, pretentious, and unforgiving as Gurdon does. It is like spending the evening with a vampire.

In Running With Pretentious Metaphors, the authors set out to look at different aspects of Meghan Cox Gurdon, an apparently rather coarse, contemptuous woman who was born in 1908 and died at the age of 94 of  …..

Sorry, the rest of this article is available only to subscribers.


Okay, that’s the end of the free preview.  But I did the hard work of cutting and pasting, so now it’s up to you to finish this review!

Uncle Pat’s Bedtime Story

Posted by s.z. on September 24th, 2007

Scott is dealing with a death in the family, so he asked me to take the wheel for a while.  Yes, I know I’ve been away for a while, but what tales I could tell you!  Tedious, unappealing tales about having to feed abandoned new born kittens every two hours, dealing with a feline distemper outbreak among the shelter cats, raising a kitten with cerebellar brain damage resulting from prenatal exposure to feline distemper, trying to find homes for the nine other kittens I’ve been raising, dealing with a stray Australian Cattle Dog who showed up in my yard this morning, etc.  But perhaps you’d prefer hearing a story from beloved singer/actor/raconteur Pat Boone.  So, here goes:

 A modern American fairy tale,  By Pat Boone  © 2007

Once upon a time, in a land they called America, a little girl was born.

Pretty exciting so far, right?

This little girl was so very beautiful, so exceptional, that her loving parents named her Snow White.

I have to interrupt Pat here to point out that if Mr. and Mrs. White were truly loving, they would never have saddled their exceptional daughter with the moniker “Snow” (unless they had a career as a porn star mapped out for her future).

But back to Pat and his modern American story.

Truly, her lustrous black hair and limpid dark eyes were the perfect complement to her exquisite ivory skin. And as lovely as she was on the outside, she was even more beautiful within; her sweet, sunny personality absolutely melted everyone who saw her.

Sadly, Frosty the Snowman met his demise this way.

In her early childhood, her parents saw that she was taught all the important things – loving obedience, respect for others, politeness and ladylike behavior, and a childlike faith in God. These things she actually liked, and though she was quite playful and sunny, she exuded character and intelligence.

Being taught to be obedient and ladylike naturally causes you to exude intelligence.

Then she met the Seven Dwarfs.

Musical cue expressing high drama, followed by “Nobody expects the Spanish Inqu . . . I mean, the Seven Dwarfs!”

They’d been tagged with this name because they seemed so weird and insignificant; but they always clustered together, bound by strange, liberal and sometimes seditious beliefs. Some of them were teachers and others members of what was called a “civil liberties union.” Somehow, they steadily gained and exerted mysterious influence. Their names were Sneaky, Dopey, Smarmy, Angry, Sleazy, Grouchy and Dork.

And don’t forget “Hippie,” “Atheisty,” “Commie,” and “Feminazi.”

So, as it happened, just as Snow White entered school, full of innocence and a desire to learn, the Dwarfs managed to change all the rules. They cast a spell over the real and dedicated teachers, tricking them into imbibing a seductive potion they called New Education Alternatives; it sounded so attractive that it became very popular, coming to be known by the shorter “NEA.”

Enticed by tempting promises of shorter hours, more money, lifelong tenure unrelated to performance in the classroom and even political clout as a huge voting bloc, the teachers allowed the NEA to drop very important things from the history books, to forbid absolutely any mention of God in the classroom or in essays, to promote all types of sexuality equally, even to grade-schoolers, to dictate that only evolution could be taught to explain the existence of the living world, and in general to erase any consideration of morality and American tradition.

Yup, that’s EXACTLY what teachers do these days, as all of you teachers out there can testify.  And they do it because the NEA promised them more money if they would!

Of course, Snow White’s parents objected strenuously. They attended PTA meetings and complained that their daughter was continuously being taught things that were diametrically opposed to what they’d taught her at home, but their complaints were dismissed out of hand.

You’d think that the king and queen of the land would get better results from the local school board.

And sadly, while they did their best to counteract the evil influence of the Dwarfs, little Snow White was drawn into the pervasive spell cast over the whole school system.

Thus proving that parents are powerless to counteract the influences of the all-mighty NEA, which is probably the most effective mind control agency known to man.

When she was barely into her teens, she began to experiment sexually, first with other kids and then with one of her grown teachers.

I TOLD you that her loving parents never should have named her “Snow White.”

Only later was it revealed that the teacher, a woman, was actually a wicked witch! Poor Snow White had been drawn into drugs as well as sex, and she soon discovered she was pregnant. The Dwarfs were only too happy to arrange an abortion – without notifying her parents. Confused and disillusioned, Snow White moved in with the wicked witch, eventually claiming to be her “wife.”

And this sordid outcome all resulted because Snow was taught about evolution in the public schools.  Don’t let it happen to your child!

In another part of town, in another spellbound school, a handsome young boy named Prince Charming was going through similar experiences. Snow White and Prince Charming would have made a perfect couple, as their parents would have dreamed – but under prolonged exposure to the same hypnotic spell, the boy was seduced by each of the Dwarfs and taught in the mandatory sex education class that he’d been born “gay.” When he learned he’d contracted AIDS, he overdosed on drugs that were easily obtained just outside the principal’s office, on the schoolyard.

The NEA strikes again!

But isn’t it poignant to think of how Snow and Prince could have had a happy marriage (with her hiding her secret life as a crack whore, and him staying in the closet except when soliciting anonymous sexual encounters in airport men’s rooms), if only they had been home schooled?

The Dwarfs and so many of the children whose morals they’d corrupted traded honor and integrity and happiness for fatal neuroses and shorter life expectancy – while the very tradition of marriage and family dissolved and the reputation of the land called America was forever damaged. In the wake of so-called “new education alternatives,” America steadily fell behind other nations in all areas of learning, and eventually it hardly mattered if she was absorbed into something called a North American Union. This sad attempt to merge all the strengths and weaknesses of Mexico, the U.S. and Canada – became Northern Venezuela.

And this dystopia could easily have been avoided, if only American school kids had been taught faith-promoting apocrypha instead of sex education.

This all may be a fable, a fairy tale, or a nightmare.

Or a hallucination inspired by an unfortunate combination of gout medication, Cialis, and “Old Man Henderson” disease.

But if it’s the latter, we’d better wake up quick. Like many fairy tales and some dreams, there’s too much reality for comfort.

If you found any resemblance to actual reality in Pat’s tale, please contact a mental health professional ASAP.  Thank you.

We Now Pause…

Posted by scott on September 24th, 2007

As some of you know, I’ve been looking after my grandfather for the past year and a half.  After 3 months of declining health, he finally passed away on Saturday, following a bout of pnuemonia, and two days after his 92nd second birthday.  So in addition to the script I’m dealing with, I have a number of post mortem issues to settle that will likely keep me away from blogging for awhile.  However, s.z. has kindly agreed to take time out from her menagerie to keep the flywheel spinning.

See you all soon.

The Key To Spontaneity Is Careful Planning

Posted by scott on September 22nd, 2007

David E. kindly brought this NY Times story to our attention.  It seems that Rudy!® hauled out a cell phone in the middle of his address to the National Rifle Association in order to take a call from his wife, in what has to be one of the most endearingly down-to-earth moments since he appeared in drag, or posed nude for Edmund Joseph Sullivan’s Skeleton with Roses illustration.

But what really gives the story that Larry Davidesque flavor of flopsweat-encrusted whimsy is all the effort Rudy’s campaign put into manufacturing what turns out to be a bit of premeditated serendipity.  According to the NY Times:

Was the call a genuine intrusion by an adoring wife? Or a campaign stunt meant to soften his image before a potentially hostile crowd, and show Judith Giuliani in a warmer light?

The campaign insisted Friday that the call caught Mr. Giuliani off guard. “It was a moment of candor and spontaneity on the campaign trail,” said Maria Comella, a campaign spokeswoman.

But it was not the first time Mr. Giuliani has interrupted a campaign stop to take a call from his wife just as he was making a speech. In June, visiting a community of largely Cuban immigrants in Hialeah, Fla., .

As his supporters chanted, “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy,” he hushed them, flipping open the phone and revealing that it was his wife on the line. Maybe a little cheesy, but the crowd loved it.

On Friday, however, there was awkward laughter.

And after The New York Times noted the previous cellphone interruption in a blog posting on Friday after the speech to the N.R.A., the campaign of a Republican presidential rival, Mitt Romney, wasted no time in finding video and sending reporters links to YouTube, where both calls could be seen side by side.

Courtesy of TPM, here’s the video:


David E. sums it up: 

[I]f I’m reading between the lines here, Rudy’s wife calling him mid-speech — and his taking the call — was genuine when he did it for the Cubans. It went over so well that the campaign staged it this week when he was speaking to the NRA, but it didn’t play quite as well.

Reminded me of the lobster scene toward the end of Annie Hall, when he tries to recreate the great moment he had with Annie earlier in the movie with a new girl.

And when he tries, of course, to re-experience that wacky moment of romantic chaos, his new date dumps cold water on the proceedings by taking a blase puff on her cigarette and observing, “You’re a grown man.  You know how to pick up a lobster.”

My advice to Rudy!®, if he intends to meticulously re-enact other moments in which he accidentally appeared human, is to lay off Annie Hall for awhile and start cribbing from Groundhog Day instead.   After all, if you’re going to condemn yourself to perpetually relive the same day, you might as well learn how to play the piano and do chainsaw ice sculpture in the bargain.

Friday Beast Blogging — Gods and Monsters Edition

Posted by scott on September 21st, 2007



“Maybe it’s just the catnip talking, but have you ever noticed that when I do this with my paw, it looks exactly like the Creature from the Black Lagoon’s hand?”

And Moondoggie:


“Look, you call it a faux sheepskin bed from PetSmart, I call it the sacred throne of Bubastis, but I think we’re basically both on the same page.  By the way, this would be a good time to sacrifice a handful of Bonita Tuna Flakes to ensure that the gods do not smite the laundry hamper and drag your underpants around the apartment.  Now go in peace.  Bast be with you.”

The Annotated Mo Do

Posted by scott on September 21st, 2007

When I was reading the Aubrey-Maturin series by Patrick O’Brien I picked up the companion book, A Sea of Words, so I could easily discover what the hell was meant by ”fiferail,” “jack-crosstree,” and “spoom.”  Well, for those who are equally mystified by pundit Maureen Dowd’s use of enhanced interrogation techniques on the English language, Doghouse Riley has provided an invaluable and hilarious glossary.

I was planning to just breeze through my email before setting down to work for the day, but my efforts were brought to an abrupt halt by this heartfelt, if unsolicited, message from Archibald P. Campbell:

My fellow Americans…

The Terrorists are everywhere.  To learn how to protect your children from their murderous schemes, please visit my website… http://archibaldcampbell.com/

Be sure to pass this info on to your family, friends, neighbors and co-workers, but be careful… The Terrorists may be watching!

May God bless you all…

-Archibald P. Campbell

Now I haven’t got any children, but I do have two cats.  And if the terrorists are stupid enough to launch an attack against my non-existent children, the cats could become collateral damage.  So I figured it was time to learn more, and clicked on the link to discover that Mr. Campbell has written a children’s book:
And when I say book, I mean Flash animation.  Well, not exactly animation, but it’s definitely a succession of images, narrated in a pwecious voice by a putative child.  Anyway, here’s the blurb from Mr. Campbell’s site:
Dear Concerned American
On September 11, 2001, a most vicious and dangerous enemy attacked our nation and gave a wake up call to every American.  Now nearly eight years after that tragic day, a day that we pledged to never forget, there is a generation coming to a tender age that have never witnessed the evil achievements of the terrorists with their own eyes.
Which makes it harder to bring them up as God- and terrorist-fearing Americans.  What good is it to heed John Gibson’s call to “Make more babies!” if we outbreed liberals and brown people only to find that our own ReichKinder are complacent about statistically insignificant threats and resistant to manipulation through alarmist talking points?  Wouldn’t that be a fine how-do-ya-do?
I feel it is my duty as an American, a Parent and as a man of faith to prepare this tender generation as well as the generations yet to come for the dark future that could lie ahead of them.  In today’s haze of liberal propaganda, it is hard to know whom to trust and these vicious left wing tactics of trying to dispel the obvious terrorist threats around us are only confusing our children.
And there’s nothing more confusing to a child than a lack of omnipresent dread.  Studies show that children raised in homes where they feel safe and nurtured will grow up, like sociopaths, with a feeling that deep down inside them, something is missing.  You can supply that missing something by showing them, with the aid of this book, that terrorists wearing explosive belts are hiding in their bathroom:
It is my hope that my books will educate children at a young age to be aware of the terrorist’s threat abroad and at home.  My books embody the spirit of traditional American family values and teach our children to beware of whom they talk to and where they live.
So turn off the television, gather the family around the easy chair and enjoy these fun and educational stories that you can cherish in your family forever.
Other books by Mr. Campbell that don’t exist yet include:
“The Bibles Says…” series educates our youth about the Christian Fundamentals of our great country.  In the first book we are taught that God has created boys and girls to be different from one another and to follow their ordained roles in life.  Your children will learn that being a part of this great land requires certain convictions in the way we dress, act and worship, and that God has a wonderful plan for children who wish to be good little boys and girls.
While one might dispute Mr. Campbell’s rather orthodox view of gender roles, the tone of this book appears less deliberately horrifying than “Why Do The Terrorists Want To Hurt Me?” so let’s hope it represents the beginning of a trend in which Mr. Campbell will attempt to mold childrens’ behavior through persuasion and the presentation of positive role models, rather than through villification and scaremongering.
Or not:
Johnny Freedom has a problem; whenever he goes to the ice cream shop, or passes by the basketball court or even when he is sitting in class, the people around him sound strange and don’t make sense!  When Johnny goes to the doctor to have his ears checked, he finds out that, his ears aren’t “out of order,” it’s the border.  This book shows how foreign languages and illegal aliens are working to undermine the security and the values of our country.  Your children will learn about the broken borders and the invasion we natural citizen’s face everyday.  Your children will also learn about our Minutemen Heroes and how they are working to protect our freedom.
I haven’t got s.z.’s investigatory chops, so I wasn’t able to discover much about Archibald P. Campbell except that he was a Union officer during the Civil War, which strengthened my suspicions that this whole thing is an elaborate parody site.  But click here to watch the book and decide for yourselves.  It’s short, and if nothing else, worth it for the concluding image of George W. Bush holding an assault rifle as he stands surrounded by adoring toddlers.

Top Google Search Strings…

Posted by scott on September 19th, 2007

…bringing people to World O’ Crap today.  And this may, in fact, be our first All Sex or Sex By-Product edition.

  1. “Rod Majors” (a quotidian favorite ever since this post, and especially – oddly – even after this one) 
  2. “Angry cat sex life”
  3. “asian ken doll”
  4. “dick boy”
  5. “gay barbie”
  6. “batcave blueprints”
  7. “the Golden Driller” (just as weird, but not quite as dirty as it sounds).  And finally, making it’s debut this week:
  8. “blog crap boobs”

With the possible exception of number 8, this list kind of reads like the roster of a queer superhero team, so our apologies to everyone who arrived from Google hoping to find an underground web comic about the adventures of heroic rough trade.  (“Will Rod Majors and Dick Boy escape from the fiendish three-strap penis cage, or will the Golden Driller give them the shaft?”)  Tune in tomorrow…

Save the Angry Sex Cat.  Save the World.