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Archive for June, 2009

Putting The Ass In Class

Posted by scott on June 29th, 2009

When we last dropped in on Newsmax’s John L. Perry, he was promoting the notion that Barack Obama is Pinocchio, a prevaricating puppet whose strings are pulled by mysterious, unseen hands. This week, the Newsmax pundit has not only promoted the President to Real Live Boy, he’s crowned him The Emperor Jones.

Emperor Obama Has No Class

Now that he’s president, Barack Obama has new clothes, even if they don’t always fit. What he still lacks is class. Tailors can’t fix that.

Although some tailors can create the illusion of good breeding through the cunning use of darts.

Before, during, and since the president’s elevation to his stratospheric altitude in the vault of the heavens, he has been adorned in an unprecedented array of resplendent raiments of praise befitting his One-ness.

This is probably a good time to remind our readers that John L. Perry is “a prize-winning newspaper editor and writer”.

If he appears at times to be in contradiction, or inconsistency, with his One-ness, it only appears that this is so. For, by contemporary wisdom, that is an entirely admirable attribute of his being The One. And since he is, he can be no other. Nor can any other be he. Thus, whatever he is at any given moment in time, he can nowise be in contradiction thereof.

Guys?  Please stop passing the joint to Mr. Perry.

Who, not being of status anywhere close to that of The One, can possibly say otherwise? If you ain’t been there yourself, you just ain’t been.

Among Mr. Perry’s awards is the PEN American Center Prize, given each year to the best translation of Khalil Gibran into jive.

But, lesser ones still might ask, “If all that the general public (a.k.a. the masscomm audience) can see are his new clothes, and if there’s no there there, how can anyone tell if what’s not there is class?”

Since the president’s degree of déclassé is not a topic tolerated for public observation or discussion, this seeming conundrum must be approached silently, in solitude, and behind closed doors after the children are abed or safely watching smut on television.

In other words, once your penis has passed it’s Sell By date, masturbation is replaced by long nights spent pacing the Bonus Room, grousing about the uppity Negroes in the White House.

Under those conditions, how, if the president has no class, is his populace to know what he’s doing that is classless? It’s a bit like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s celebrated dictum non-defining hard-core pornography: “I know it when I see it.”

Actually Mr. Perry, a little hardcore pornography might be healthier for you than running through the streets, wild-eyed and sweaty like Kevin McCarthy at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and shouting at passing cars that Obama’s classlessness is invisible to the naked eye!

So, the answer is that if the president’s classlessness is observed, it must be without comment about:

And then Mr. Perry furnishes a litany of indictable offenses against classiness, including:

  • The way he walks, the way he talks, the way he looks down his nose.

The way he wears his hat.  The way he sips his tea.

  • The way he hasn’t learned to tie a four-in-hand necktie like the men do.

The President, as we’ve all seen, confines himself to those big floppy bows preferred by power-dressing women executives in the 1980s.

  • The haughty way he fakes erudition off his teleprompter screens and proffers profundities on subjects in which he lacks credentials.
  • The way he says, “as I’ve said before,” when he hasn’t.

These sound less like complaints about the President of the United States, and more the kind of daily irritants that come up during couples counseling.

  • The way he jumps down, spins around, picks a new position

Then picks a bale of cotton.  Yeah, we get it, John.  We get it.

How Much False Witness Can You Bear?

Posted by scott on June 27th, 2009

It’s been awhile since we’ve checked in with Doug Giles, Townhall columnist, Hemingwayesque Big Game botherer, jive talkin’ internet radio host, and Bishop of the Residence Inn of Aventura, FL.


Its like the Gospel of Jesus Christ as preached by the Sham-Wow guy.

This week, Pastor Giles has entered some sort of extreme sports competition, in which the apparent goal is to pack as many pre-debunked wingnut talking points as possible into an 800-word column.  Let’s grab a Mountain Dew and see how he does…


Obama said in his latest hem-hawing, foreign policy bloviating, what-the-hell-is-he-talkin’-about press conference that “we need to have a vigorous debate” regarding Iran’s current tyrannical Muslim-based governmental crushing of young people who desire a touch of freedom.

We need to debate? “We” who, BHO?

Good question, Doug.  Let’s go to the transcript…Unfortunately, I can’t find any evidence that Obama uttered those words during his June 23 press conference, and while Google doesn’t want to come right out and call bullshit on a minister, it does strongly imply that your only source for the quote seems to be your own first paragraph.

So Pastor Giles’s prevarications are coming on strong, right out of the gate, but will he be able to maintain the pace?

I’m guessin’ he is talking about American liberals and conservatives because—from what I can deduce from the YouTube vids—it appears as if the Iranian dissidents aren’t looking for lively banter with the death dealing, lying through coffee-stained teeth religious whack jobs who look like a group of angry, homeless Santa Clauses on crack.

I’m not sure this qualifies as a falsehood, but the non sequitur about coffee-stained teeth suggests Doug has founded a radical new school in the art of public invective — an intriguing fusion of surrealism and the Book of Mormon.

FYI to the Whitehouse: Ayatollahs, mullahs, and Ahmadinejads don’t discuss stuff.

Which is why they’ve outlawed cocktail parties in Iran.  The lack of small talk made things awkward as they all just stood around, listlessly spearing Vienna Franks out of the chafing dish.

They shoot you in the face.

I don’t blame people for objecting to Obama’s secret Muslim faith.  At least Mullah Cheney was upfront about it.

Uncut Islam doesn’t debate; it deals death to dissenters and, it seems, Mohammed is cool with that. Jesus isn’t okay with it, but Mohammed is.

Wow.  Your god’s a wuss.

From what I’ve seen, historically speaking, a vigorous and beneficial chat is the perk that a Judeo-Christian based nation, which has an armed citizenry, gets to enjoy.

Pssst!  Doug!  Look behind you — it’s Great Britain!

Oppressive, mucked-up Muslim nations like Iran don’t argue about their bogus elections or dictates with intelligent, liberty-loving, non step-n-fetch rebels.

As stated, they pistol whip them, split their skulls with a night stick, drag non-compliant co-eds around by their scalps, or simply pull out their guns and double tap the center mass of the unarmed non-compliants.


God only knows what we’re going find out about the June 24th, 2009 massacre in Baharestan square. I heard they used axes and threw protestors off pedestrian bridges.


Ah . . . Islam in action. How peaceful. What an awesome religion.


Y’know, after watching the past two weeks of Ayatollahs Gone Wild, slamming their zealous fists on their podiums, spewing more propaganda than Robert Gibbs does during his weekly presser, and pummeling any and all dissenting voices, I’m sure many people around the world are lining up to become Muslims and move to a country governed by mullahs. It looks fun, doesn’t it? I mean, it’s a little bloody and oppressive and all, but hey . . . nobody is perfect.


It must be nice to live in la-la-land where trees are made of chocolate, where cigarettes fall from heaven, where you can print trillions of dollars and idiots approve it, where your administration can Pac Man the private sector, tax the crap out of our people, rob their health care, hard sell us bogus energy bills, while gutting the constitution—a place where you get to be the leader of the most powerful place on the planet simply because you can read a mean teleprompter.

And it’s called…Crawford, Texas.

I don’t believe the Iranians who’d like a free election (shame on them) want us to mediate a spicy round table spat. I think they desire a little more. I think they want us to meddle on a Guns & Ammo type level.

Exactly, they’d like us to sell them magazine subscriptions.  Why, I remember when I freed Myanmar singlehandedly by selling them twelve issues of GRIT!

Thus the protest signs in English. Kinda seems odd they’d go English with their placards if they didn’t want our attention and involvement.

Sure, even though “English is the most widely taught and understood language in the world, and sometimes is described as a lingua franca” I’m sure they were totally making eyes at us.

I, for one, believe that we should meddle in such slave states. The “we” I believe that should intervene is the old America spelled with a “c” and not the new Amerika spelled with a “k”.

Obama’s secret plan calls for using the poor man’s Red Dawn to rally the nation’s dormant Soviet fifth Column.

The reason I think it’s a good thing Obama and his admin stays the hell out of this Iranian throw down is two fold: If the young Iranians can topple their crap government, it’ll be a real morale boost, eh? I know it was for America’s founding fathers, God bless ‘em.

Wait — so we shouldn’t give them all gift subscriptions to Guns And Ammo?  Now I’m totally lost…is he lying here, or just babbling?  My scorecard is a mess…

Secondly, if I were a Neda in Iran, I wouldn’t trust Obama as far as I could spit a loogie. Why? Well, it seems as if he has a soft spot for Muslim terrorists.

During Back to the Future, a young Obama was known to stand up in the theater and totally root for the Libyans.

Finally, mad to props to GWB for spawning hope for free elections in the heart of young Iranians as they watched their next-door neighbors enjoy real democracy in Iraq.

I’ll go farther: insane propellers to GWB for showing the Iranians that if it ain’t got car bombs and sectarian violence, it ain’t democracy.

Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Luthor

Posted by scott on June 26th, 2009

Over at World Net Daily, Joseph Farah’s Mustache Sense is tingling.

farah07.jpg  The intentional destruction of America

It’s time for Americans to consider a very scary possibility – that the president of the United States and the Congress are actually embarked on an intentional plan to destroy most everything that throughout history made the country great and unique.

To stop them, we’ll need a Space-Time Paradox Generator, 200 feet of copper wire, a wise-cracking android, and a picture of Eve Arden!

Could it be that the sweeping, wholesale policy changes we have seen implemented and begun in the last six months are not just “mistakes” or the results of miscalculations?

Could it be that these wholesale policy changes are, in fact, the results of electing a candidate who promised to change our previous policies?

Could it be that the clear intent is to bring America down – and that those controlling America’s political future know exactly what they are doing?

I hope not.  I’ve gotten used to the idea of Administrations bringing America down accidentally, while cleaning their shotgun, say, or driving on the sidewalk after one too many Pisco sours.


Could it be that those holding the levers of power in Washington are not just ill-equipped for their jobs and making bad choices, but that they are determined to destroy America’s economy and culture because they don’t like it, never liked it and wish to see our nation operate more like the rest of the world?

It seems like the staffs of WND, RenewAmerica, American Thinker, American Renaissance, The American Vision, American Power and other like-minded asylums woke up on November 5th and decided that instead of enduring a black man in the White House, they’d go rather live in a comic book universe where Lex Luthor is the President.  After all, losing to Luthor, that doesn’t make you a loser, because he’s a supervillain.  What’re you supposed to do against an evil genius who has usurped the power of the United States government?  Just blog like the dickens, I guess.  On the bright side, once you do defeat Super-Villain President, you have lots of good options for relocating the Gitmo detainees — the prison planet of Ysmault, the Anti-Matter Universe of Qward, or the Phantom Zone.

Personally, I’m there. I’ve been there.

You’re out there.  You’re way out there.

There is not a doubt in my mind that people like Barack Obama, Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the like just plain think differently than, say, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and James Madison – not to mention me.

No doubt.  For instance, Obama, Frank, Pelosi and Reid probably think that the former presidents shouldn’t have the legal right to buy and sell the current president.  Or rent him out to other countries to stud.

The contrast in worldviews couldn’t be any more striking.

So it’s you and the Enlightenment thinkers against the Obama Administration, eh?  Okay, I’ll take your word for it that you’re on the Founders team, but I bet you got picked last.

The Constitution and the Declaration of Independence are being actively and openly dismantled as the guiding principles of American government.

It’s true.  I walked by the Constitution the other day, and it was covered with scaffolding, and a bunch hardhats whistled and asked me to lift up my tank top.

The rule of law? We’re told today by Obama and company that the Constitution doesn’t mean what it says. It’s a “living document” that needs to be constantly reinterpreted in different times. That’s not the rule of law. That’s the rule of men – or, more precisely, the rule of high priests in black robes who are not accountable to either the will of the people or the rule of law.

“…and as always, our annual Satanic Mass will be the first Monday in October.”

Are your shackles being removed by Obama and company?

No, but my underwear seems to be missing…

I Just Hate You! And I Hate Your Ass Face!

Posted by scott on June 24th, 2009

Over at RedState, E Pluribus Unum is, true to his name, making out of many snits, one giant tizzy.


He starts off reasonably enough, using his inside voice…

By all means report the facts. I’m sure you’ll be happy to cover every salacious detail. Have at it. Be sure to cover the pain and suffering of Governor Sanford’s family. While you are at it, cover the depth to which all South Carolina and nation-wide Republicans and conservatives rightly feel betrayed.

But there’s only so much a Wolverine can take, and by the second paragraph he’s gone Full Color Font on us.

Beyond that, just shut up. Shut your lying, hypocritical, power-above-patriotism, hyper-partisan, two-faced, shamelessly double-standard bearing pie hole.

Then, he silences our juvenile tittering with a quotation from Patrick Henry’s eloquent “You’re Not the Boss of Me!” speech:

You don’t get to judge.

Look, pal, nobody over here is setting themselves up as an arbiter of the public morals.  This isn’t the Inquisition; it’s just a little schadenfreude.  Relax.

The Library of Congress could hardly contain chapter and verse of the multitudes of ways the press and the other Democrats have gotten away with judging Republicans by wholly different standards than that applied to Democrats. But that double standard is both obvious and as wide as the Grand Canyon. You show no honor, no equity, no fairness, and no scruples yourselves. You, to put it mildly, do not police your own.

I thought that’s what FoxNews was for.

We do. We’ll deal with Sanford.

A swift blow with an ice-axe to the back of the skull, then we start airbrushing him out of all the May Day photos!

We have standards (you don’t), and we have a long history of punishing and purging our leaders who prove unworthy of trust.

Remember John Ensign?  Rush Limbaugh?  David Vitter?  Larry Craig?  Ha!  Didn’t think so!  And don’t even try to find the bodies!

For your part, serial adulterer Bill Clinton remains a rock star as far as you are concerned, and that about sums up the standards to which Democrats hold themselves.

You seem confused, Mr. Unum.  Perhaps I can help…You see, if liberals say, for instance, that they consider marital infidelity a matter between husband and wife, rather than husband and House of Representatives, it would then be hypocritical to judge Clinton’s presidency largely on the basis of how well he cleaved unto his spouse.  But as a Congressman, Sanford voted to impeach President Clinton, and don’t we owe it to Republicans to judge them by their own declared standards?  Anything else would suggest we doubt their sincerity.

So, spare us your mock outrage, your tut-tutting, your finger-wagging, your eyebrows furrowed in anger.

I think you’re confusing us with one of Newt Gringrich’s ex-wives.  These are purely tears of joy.

If you are well and truly outraged by Mark Sanford’s adultery

On the contrary, I’m impressed by a guy who’ll travel over 5000 miles for a booty call.

…but could not trouble yourself to muster even a little mild disapproval against the cretin who wiped his feet with the honor of the office of President of the United States, then you are a hypocrite yourself of the lowest stripe. You are unworthy to judge.

Hey, I never claimed to be the umpire, Uma.  I’m just another bleacher bum enjoying our nation’s pastime.

So just shut up.

And with that, he called us “bastard people!” and ran home to bite his pillow.

Only A Homo Would Want To Get Married!

Posted by scott on June 23rd, 2009

Over at Pajamas (We Thought the Name Was Ironic at the Time) Media, Andrew Klavan is busy growing a petri dish full of wisdom in his column, Klavan On The Culture.  Andrew, who has graced WO’C once or twice in the past, is the author of numerous novels and screenplays.  Here’s a taste of his latest opus:

AndrewKlavan.jpg The Last Thing I Remember
Apr 30, 2009

Andrew’s new suspense novel for Young Adults is now available at bookstores and amazon.com. “The Last Thing I Remember” is the story of Charlie West, an ordinary, straight arrow teenager who goes to bed one night and wakes up strapped to a chair being tortured by jihadists. Charlie’s desperate struggle to find out how he got into a situation like this will challenge him in every way, forcing him to rely on his faith, his courage and his fighting skills to stay alive. This is the first novel in Andrew’s Homelanders series

Wow, it’s like The Hardy Boys meet Hostel.  Fans of Andrew’s YA fiction will be excited to learn he’s just signed on to pen the revival of The Baby-sitters Club series:

Jessi and the Jihadists

All your favorites are back!  When Jessi and Mallory are raped and murdered by Islamofascists, it’s up to original Baby-sitter Club members Kristy, Claudia, Mary Anne, and Stacey to hunt them down through the mean streets of Stoneybrook and exact a bloody revenge.  This is the first novel in Andrews Blut Madchen series.

This week, Andrew went to see The Hangover, and he’s returned brimming with conservative insights.  Unlike most critics, he didn’t find the film particularly funny — but that’s only because he thought it was a documentary.

A lot of critics get all huffy about this depiction of the sexes [in film comedies]…But you know what? I suspect a lot of it is simple realism.  More and more often I meet young guys just like this:  overgrown kids who are their grim wives’ poodles…They “share” household and child-rearing tasks equally – which isn’t really equal at all because they don’t care about a clean house or a well-reared child anywhere near as much as their wives do.

Most men, faced with raising a child, would gladly abandon it in the forest and hope a pack of wolves will pick up the slack.  Which is why conservatives must continue the fight against marriage equality.  This holy institution, as we know, was anointed by God for the purpose of begetting and rearing children, even though a full 50% of the partnership couldn’t give a crap about it.  So imagine what would happen to children growing up in a house where both partners were male?  The home of the typical married gay couple would be a filthy sty full of feral toddlers.  So I guess that means we should only let lesbians get married…Wait.  No.  Because then they could still fool us by getting a sex change like Chastity Bono and just start the whole horrible cycle all over again!

In short, each one seems set to spend his life taking orders from a perpetually dissatisfied Mrs. who sounds to me – forgive me but just speaking in all honesty – like a bloody shrike.  Who can blame these poor shnooks if they go out and get drunk or laid or just plain divorced?

Women with their own personalities are the reason the rates of alcoholism, STDs, and divorce are so high in this country.  What we need, instead of changes in statute to permit same-sex couples to wed, is a fundamental reform of the law that will recognize marriage as a union between one man and one Realdoll™.

I’m the old-fashioned King of the Castle type:  my wife knew it when she married me, she knows it now, and she knows where the door is if she gets sick of it.

Now that’s True Love.  It reminds me of Romeo and Juliet; but instead of taking their own lives, rather than face a life without love, they beat each other to death with shovels in the crypt.

And you can curse me or consign me to Feminist Hell or whatever you want to do.  But when you’re done, answer me this:  why would a man get married under any other circumstances?  I’m serious.  What’s in it for him?  I mean, marriage is a large sacrifice for a man.  He gives up his right to sleep with a variety of partners, which is as basic an urge in men as having children is in women.


Apparently Andrew thinks the life of the average single guy is a nonstop roundelay of hot chicks, cool jazz, dry martinis, and large black velvet bow ties.  Whereas I think of it more as a Tilt-A-Whirl of Mac-n-Cheese, psycho roommates, awkward first dates, and ziggurats of accumulated laundry.

He takes on responsibilities which will probably curtail both his work and his social life.  If he doesn’t also acquire authority, gravitas, respect and, yes, mastery over his own home, what does he get?  Companionship?  Hey, stay single, dude, you’ll have a lot more money, and then you can buy companionship.

As Maggie Gallagher’s National Organization for Marriage states: “Love is a great thing. But marriage isn’t just any kind of love; it’s the special love of husband and wife for each other and their children.”  On the downside, it cuts into Daddy’s whoring.

All right, I know, I’m a mean old man.  But I’ve also been blissfully married for 30 years to a woman who wakes up singing.

Ah, so she’s insane. That explains it.

I think some of these young guys have been sold a bill of goods, I really do.  I think they’ve been told what they’re supposed to be like and have sacrificed what they are like.  Maybe their marriages are more “fair” than mine but just looking at them, I think they’re miserable.  And I suspect, deep down, their wives are probably miserable too.

Yes, if there’s one thing women hate, it’s equality.  And spiders.  And that weird form of sleep apnea where you wake up in the middle of the night belting out “Brush Up Your Shakespeare” from Kiss Me Kate.

Tutti Frutti

Posted by scott on June 23rd, 2009

Pop culture history is written by the winners, so it comes as little surprise that Pat Boone has never received credit for the important role he played in the 1950s as “America’s Panty Shield.”  Like the outnumbered Spartans at Thermopylae he stood athwart the gusset of popular music, absorbing the heavy flow of Black rhythm and blues, in an effort to prevent embarrassing, tell-tale stains on America’s youth.

Today, faced with another Black incursion upon a previously all-White institution, he again offers himself as a intercessor — a sort of breathable cotton panel of racial politics — advising President Obama that the best way to win over White folks is to act more like a 19th century caricature of an 18th century leader.

StarspangledPat.jpg Obama Should Emulate George Washington’s Truthfulness

I doubt that it’s ever taught in school today, because it seems that the National Education Association has different ideas about what our kids need to know.

They also spend time talking about “the climate” and “evolution” instead of teaching our children how phlogiston reacts with the Aether.

But most adults over 40 surely are familiar with the story about young George Washington, who had been given a small hatchet for his birthday.

Which he later used to take revenge on the camp counselors who let him drown in Crystal Lake.

Eager to try it out, the boy looked for something to hack (the word had a different meaning in our forefathers’ days). And he found it — a little cherry tree. When his father found that a perfectly good cherry tree had been destroyed, he asked George whether he knew what had happened.

“Father, I cannot tell a lie,” said the future first president of the United States of America. “I did it.”

An insignificant story, perhaps, just a little morality tale for kids. No one today can verify whether it actually happened.

Criswell:  My friend, you have seen this incident, based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn’t happen?

I, for one, believe it did, mainly because if its apparent insignificance. If there weren’t a factual basis for the story, who would make it up?

You got me there, Pat.

Surely a fableist would conjure up something more dramatic than a little boy cutting down a cherry tree with his new hatchet.

It certainly reads like dispassionate reportage:

Presently George and his hatchet made their appearance. “George,” said his father, ” do you know who killed that beautiful little cherry tree yonder in the garden? ” This was a tough question; and George staggered under it for a moment; but quickly recovered himself: and looking at his father, with the sweet face of youth brightened with the inexpressible charm of all- conquering truth, he bravely cried out, “I can’t tell a lie, Pa; you know I can’t tell a lie. I did cut it with my hatchet.” “Run to my arms, you dearest boy,” cried his father in transports, “run to my arms; glad am I, George, that you killed my tree; for you have paid me for it a thousand fold. Such an act of heroism in my son is more worth than a thousand trees, though blossomed with silver, and their fruits of purest gold.”

I must admit, Pat makes a good point.  The story would have been much more effective as morality tale if the same question had been posed about Andrew and Abby Borden, and their little daughter Lizzie had responded, “I can’t tell a lie, Pa. I did it with my little hatchet.”  And then, despite her dreadful expectations, Lizzie was not punished for her mischief, for she was brave enough to tell the truth, and smart enough to tell it to a corpse.

Is it any wonder, then, that parents and teachers have pointed to the man we call “the father of our country” for nearly 200 years as an example for our kids to emulate? That, too, makes the story of the apple tree meaningful and important: Children can understand the moral and learn a valuable lesson from their earliest years.

Especially if you keep it fresh by randomly changing the fruit.

Didn’t Chuck Connors Play Him In “Branded?”

Posted by scott on June 21st, 2009

We received an email this evening (as did a number of our distinguished commenters) from Walter Francis Fitzpatrick III, and at first I was quite excited.  But it turns out he’s not the guy who played “Linc” in The Mod Squad; instead, he’s the cashiered, ex-Navy Lt. Commander who is — even as we speak — bringing down President Obama with a charge of TREASON!  For the sake of posterity, I’m going to post the body of the letter, including all four Hungadungas.


Today’s attack-rant writing brought to us by a gent named Scott Clevenger (historically the reincarnation of British commanders at Cowpens).

I hate to interrupt Walter when he’s on a roll, but I should point out that while I am in fact historically considered the reincarnation of British commanders at Cowpens, I am hardly a “gent.”

(links, oddly emphatic bolding, and idiosyncratic color scheme all in the original…)

Scott and fellow travelers (see the comments) “Doghouse” Riley, “Slywy,” DSIDHE, and Rugosa, are on the record with Patrick McKinnion (who updated his writing yesterday).

Presumably a career-ending letter of reprimand will be placed in our jackets and blot our escutcheons.

McKinnion writes: “In the interest of being fair, I welcome any further information from Mr. Fitzpatrick as to his behavior and his side of the story…”

Isn’t it a shame Mr. McKinnion didn’t check with me first. Or with Ed Offley, author of the work McKinnion relied upon, or with Christine Clarridge who writes for the Seattle Times (Mr. McKinnion’s current home town). Or with so many other independent journalists who’ve seen and vetted the extant document record.

Just a rotten shame!

As troubling is Mr. McKinnion’s exposure in his self-admission that maybe…just maybe…he didn’t know a wit of what he was so libelous in writing.

Tee-ball anyone?

As someone with a smart mouth and a long history of being told to put up or shut up, I just have to say — that’s the weirdest threat I’ve ever received.

It will be interesting to watch McKinnion’s filth travel.

Fellow travelers, as you know, travel by filth.  Making us, I suppose, filth columnists.

And I wonder who’s gonna break the news to Norm Dicks, Patty Murray, Maria Cantwell and the criminal thug Obama things aren’t workin’ out so well?

I think we should send a Strip-O-Gram.  It’ll cushion the blow.

Walter Francis Fitzpatrick, III
United States Navy Retired
United States Naval Academy Class of 1975

And yet, despite all that, he still doesn’t have the Kung-Fu Grip™.

Obama’s TREASON. (The Extra Caps Are For Extra TREASON!)

Posted by scott on June 19th, 2009

sherzieve.jpg I’m finding it difficult to concentrate today, thanks to a nasty headache, and don’t feel quite up to swallowing the prescription-strength crazy.  So I’ve decided to take a couple of buffered wingnuts and just sit here in the dark until the throbbing subsides.  First up, our old friend Shermp, the Wistfulest Stooge™, sits down with a cashiered Navy man who recently charged Obama with treason.  Or maybe she just read his criminal complaint and imagined they were having a conversation, because the whole transcript consists largely of dueling blockquotes from “patriot” email alerts, so she either interviewed him via spam, or we surprised Sher as she was cheating on a Turing test.

Can the US Constitution survive dictator Obama?

In light of the now almost daily bombardment of the US Constitution by the sitting US Commander in Chief, the question ‘is our Constitution still the law of the land?’ is increasingly being asked by We-the-People.

Other questions being asked by We-the-People are:

“Are those real?”

“What part of the mind blocks happy relationships?” (page 409)

“What’s with all the fucking hyphens?”


“Mr. O’Reilly, when you inflate the bladder in your dewlap, is that designed to intimidate predators, or is it just a courting ritual?”

The problem of Barack Hussein Obama seeming not to be a natural-born citizen is still an extremely salient issue…Recently, retired Navy Commander Walter Francis Fitzpatrick III filed a criminal complaint of Treason against Barack Hussein Obama. This has prompted other individuals around the country to do the same. As our Republic now stands on the brink of complete collapse, I thought an interview of Commander Fitzpatrick was in order.

It’ll help pass the time until the roaming bands of cannibals arrive.

The Interview

Sher: Walt, you’ve caused quite a stir with your criminal complaint of treason against Barack Obama — the person I call the usurper to the US presidency and the US’ dictator in chief. Suffice it to say, our representative republic is now in jeopardy as it has never before experienced. What you have done is an extraordinarily gutsy move. With even our lawmakers seeming to cower in fear of going against him, how did you garner the courage to fight against Obama’s expanding tyranny?

Walt: “Obedient to the Constitution — my sworn duty, Mr. Obama, is to stand against what you stand for. You are not my president. You are not my commander in chief.” (Quoted from the federal criminal complaint naming Mr. Obama in the crime of TREASON).

Wolfram Alpha is a more scintillating conversationalist.

General Robert E. Lee put it this way: “Duty is the most sublime word in our language. Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more. You should never wish to do less.”

Ah yes, the wisdom of Robert E. Lee on…duty.

Walt: Mr. Obama is named in the commission of the crime of TREASON by a commissioned officer in the U.S. military. TREASON is the only criminal act our Constitution records.

Say, what did General Robert E. Lee have to say about TREASON?  I’m sure it was pithy.

Mr. Obama is described in the criminal complaint as a ‘foreign born domestic enemy and a traitor.’ This simple declarative sentence is intended to state clearly Mr. Obama meets elements of the crime of TREASON by being an enemy of the United States and our constitutional form of government. It states also Mr. Obama adheres to other U.S. enemies and gives them aid and comfort (Obama’s criminal assistants).

You might even call them Obama’s criminal confederates.

It’s been two months. Mr. Obama admits his TREASON.

Really?  I must’ve missed that in the paper — I guess I really ought to at least glance at the front page after I finish reading “Cathy.”

I opine one tactic is to quash complaints quietly and without further notice by disqualifying people attempting to remove Mr. Obama from office by force of law. What more do you need to see or hear?

Not a thing.  Your delusion’s good enough for me, Commander.

Our Constitution no longer works. Our government, however contemporaneously described, has turned against its people.

And the turtle called Gamera is approaching the city!

Sher: You stated in your criminal complaint against Obama:… I accuse you and your military-political criminal assistants of TREASON.”

What a coincidence.  I Accuse My Parents…of TREASON!

As a retired US Navy officer, how much support do you believe the US Military will give to Obama’s despotic syndicate and, subsequently, operate against the American people?

Walt: I don’t know what I don’t know. “How much support,” the strength of military support is impossible to measure. The first sentence of the federal criminal complaint for TREASON reads as follows: “I have observed and extensively recorded treacherous attacks by military-political aristocrats against the United States Constitution for twenty years.” The alert and warning that senior military commanders — described as “command racketeers” — have been no more obedient to the Constitution since the end of the Civil War than Mr. Obama has been during his lifetime.

And anyone familiar with the history of organized crime remembers who won the long, bloody struggle between the Five Crime Families — the Bonnanos, the Gambinos, the Colombos, the Genoveses, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Mr. Obama criminal ascension to the White House has afforded modern day command racketeers an opportunity to more completely and effectively efface the Constitution than ever in any of their lifetimes. Mr. Obama’s goals and the goals of the command criminals are identical.

Contrarily, there are those Veterans (active duty and retired) who refuse to perjure or forsake their oaths to the Constitution and see their duty clearly (duty…there’s that word again).

Oh great.  Commander McBragg thinks he’s in Starship Troopers!

Sher: When we talked, you also indicated that those who knew and know that Obama was not born in the USA are also culpable and can be charged with treason and/or conspiring to treason — correct? Speaking of which, didn’t Fox News Channel’s Uber-leftist Shepard Smith recently stated on-air…”There are these crazies out there who want to pretend Obama’s not a citizen of the United States”…If Smith has proof that Obama is a natural-born citizen, isn’t he legally obligated to provide it?

Walt: FOX News Channel Correspondent Shepard Smith has named himself a witness in the Obama TREASON trial. Correspondent Smith is advised to exercise his constitutional protections against self-incrimination inasmuch as Mr. Smith won’t be going to Washington. Instead Mr. Smith goes to prison for his complicity in Obama’s TREASON rendering Smith as criminally accountable.

Shepard Smith.  History’s greatest monster.

A legitimate president and commander in chief is the leader of the Western world. As commander in chief he is the CEO of America’s largest employer (the U.S. military and its infrastructure), the world’s largest law firm (the JAG Corps), and the most powerful and fierce military force history has ever known.

And for all of that I’m supposed to take the word of Shep Smith that Obama legitimately holds office?  In an earlier question you asked me who are the power brokers behind Obama. I answered in general. Here, allow me to be more focused and specific.  Shepard Smith is one of those responsible, one of those behind the curtain pulling the levers, one of the outlaw assistants in Obama’s criminal adventures.

There exists an opportunity in the Obama TREASON trial to use Shepard Smith as the vehicle that exposes major media as a leading actor in crimes against the Constitution.

Laconically: Mr. Smith committed TREASON by saying what he did.

Well, at least his treachery was concise.  If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s loquacious TREASON.

Sher: Barack Obama is taking over the country and turning it into his own totalitarian empire with almost lightning speed. Whom do you believe is the real power, if any, behind and supporting him?

Walt: I don’t know what I don’t know.

I smell a catchy slogan!  Get CafePress on the line!

I can speculate as well as you, but at the end of the day all we have are our opinions which may be different and which may be competing. But, this question gets to the heart of the reason why the federal criminal complaint for TREASON was advanced: We need to find out…and we can with the speed of heat!

Oh swell — now he’s coming on to her.

The handling of Mr. Obama’s TREASON works to reconcile the question regarding whether the Constitution remains the Law of the Land or not. Mr. Obama’s TREASON trial also works to stop the attack against the Constitution, neutralize it, and then work to the Constitution’s restoration. Along the way we get behind the curtain to see who’s pulling the levers!

Because, you know, he’s a negro, and doesn’t know how to operate the drapes.

Allow me to add that the Constitution’s Impeachment process does not reach to protect Mr. Obama. Mr. Obama is not legitimately holding office. The TREASON trial stands Obama in the dock like any other person (citizen, legal or illegal alien). Mr. Obama is now caught in the crime of TREASON and is rendered nothing more than a commoner; a smug street thug punk criminal.

I’m going to arrange a play date between Commander McBragg and Pastor Swank.

Sher: There seems to be a growing malaise amongst many US citizens that they can do nothing about Obama’s destruction of the US Constitution — via his ignoring it — and his reconstruction of our republic into his personal fiefdom except complain. With your own filing of the criminal treason complaint…

Ahem.  I think you mean TREASON, Sher.

…How do you suggest each individual proceed toward filing their own treason complaint against him?

“Well, I’m glad you asked.  I’m having a TREASON complaint filing seminar this Sunday at the Barstow Ramada…”

Walt: I do not agree there’s a “malaise.” By the way, I hate the word malaise ever since Jimmy Carter uttered it eons ago. Malaise is not what made America great!

Creamy sandwich spread is!  We call it…Malaisonnaise!

It just isn’t a thread in the American fabric. What I see instead is growing frustration, bewilderment, and anger that is the sure product of betrayal. Betrayed by Obama, by the politicians, by the military aristocrats

Any second now, and he’s going to start knitting the names of his enemies into a sweater like Madame Defarge.

Given a way to fight back, in the rebirth of the Constitution, We The People are forming Grand Juries like a slowly heating pop-corn machine. Indictments and presentments are already handed down. Advance of the extant federal criminal complaint for TREASON has become frenetic.

Seriously, dude.  Get on Pastor Swank’s good side now, before he sues your ass for theft of anti-intellectual property.

Well, my head’s really splitting now, but I think I need a palate cleanser, a little sorbet of stupid before I crawl off to bed.  I wonder what Jonah’s up to…

Jonah Goldberg:  Et Tu, Big Business?

When liberals hear conservatives decry the death of capitalism, they titter and roll their eyes. “Oh, you paranoid right-wingers! You see Bolsheviks around every corner.”

But such exasperation is the exhalation of concentrated ignorance.

You know, Jonah, giving fancy names to your flatulence doesn’t make people any less inclined to move away from you on the subway.


Sadly, it seems that being “founder, editor and CEO of WND and a nationally syndicated columnist with Creators Syndicate,” isn’t enough for Joseph Farah anymore.  Something’s missing from his life.  Relevance?  Excitement?  That old tomcat sway in the hips?  Who can say.  But it’s clear that the prospect of writing his syndicated column, then enjoying a complete breakfast, before retiring to the scullery to boot black his mustache is no longer enough to get him out of bed in the morning; which may explain why he’s still clinging to the Obama birth certificate issue.  What, after all, is Ahab without the white whale?  Just a grumpy fishermen with a lot of spare shoes.

Speaking of harpooning a dead cetacean, the last time I checked World Net Daily, the first thirteen articles on the front page were all related to Farah’s hobbyhorse, including an exclusive by Joseph himself explaining Why Obama wants to hide birth certificate

Since I began my quixotic campaign to uncover Barack Obama’s birth certificate, many have asked me about the president’s possible motives for hiding it with such tenacity and diligence.  I think there are many plausible motives:

  • Perhaps something in that birth certificate, if it indeed exists, would contradict assertions Obama has made about his life’s story. These might even involve his true parental heritage. Without a real birth certificate, no one really knows who his parents were. So it is ridiculous even to speculate about whether citizenship could be conferred upon him by his mother, when we don’t know for sure who his mother is.

So just to recap, Farah demands to see Obama’s birth certificate, and when the document in question is supplied, he haughtily declares that it does not exist!  Which is kind of a psychotic, but entertaining twist on the Hans Christian Anderson original, with the peasants all standing around in the nude while a child cries out, “the Emperor is overdressed for the occasion!”

Anyway, Joseph would merely like to point out that Stanley Ann Dunham may have only pretended to give birth to Barack Obama, when in reality his  mother was an entirely different white woman from Kansas, whose progeny Stanley Ann swiped, Gypsy-like, because she wanted to give her parents the mulatto grandson they’d always wanted.

Perhaps it reveals a foreign birth, as Hawaii allowed for in 1961 while still issuing the “certification of live birth” we have seen posted on his website. Or perhaps it will show just what Obama has claimed all along – a birth in Hawaii to two officially non-citizen parents, for the purpose of establishing “natural born citizenship” under the Constitution.

Or because that’s where his mother lived, when to school, and where she met and married his father.

What do I mean by that last possibility?

That the depth of your douchebaggery is exceeded only by the breadth of your porn ‘stache?

Well, as you know, in 2008, the Senate of the United States held hearings to determine if one of the presidential candidates fulfilled the requirement of being a “natural born citizen.” It wasn’t Barack Obama. It was John McCain, who was born on a U.S. military base overseas to two U.S. citizens.

On April 10 of last year, two senators, both Democrats, Patrick Leahy of Vermont and Claire McCaskill of Missouri, introduced a resolution into upper house expressing a sense of the Senate that McCain was indeed a “natural born citizen.”

It’s interesting what Leahy had to say on the subject: “Because he was born to American citizens (emphasis added), there is no doubt in my mind that Senator McCain is a natural born citizen. I expect that this will be a unanimous resolution of the U.S. Senate.”

And, indeed it was. It was also, interestingly, the only such hearing held by the Congress on the subject of “natural born citizenship” and its application to the 2008 presidential race. Why was that interesting? Because everyone involved in this process knew – or should have known – that the life story told by Barack Obama would raise far more doubts about his eligibility than McCain’s.

And yet, strangely, it’s only the desperate, donation-cadging proprietor of an online supermarket tabloid who seems to care.  Clearly, we need a new Senate.

Notice Leahy did not say one parent citizen would qualify a child for “natural born citizenship.” He indicted it would take two to tango.

Is that what he indicted?  Well, no, I don’t believe use of the plural constitutes an actual indictment, and anyway, I think it’s still a little early to get the Grand Jury involved, don’t you?

By the way, Obama voted for this resolution, so he obviously agrees with the definition of what constitutes a “natural born citizen” – the offspring of two U.S. citizens.

Or the offspring of one U.S. citizen.  Or the offspring of two foreign nationals born in the United States, since I’m pretty sure the 14th Amendment (“all persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States”) still trumps a non-binding Sense of the Senate resolution.

Now, I don’t know who Barack Obama’s parents are, because I have never seen his birth certificate. All I’ve seen is a facsimile of a “certification of live birth” on the Internet. That document, even if genuine, proves nothing about Obama’s birth in Hawaii or who his parents were. Hawaii had a very slipshod practice in 1961 of issuing these documents to babies born outside the country and listing parents who may not have been the parents at all.

“Western standards of systematized record-keeping are beyond those cannibals!”

But I do know who Barack Obama claims his parents were. According to him, neither one of them was an American citizen able to confer natural born citizenship on a child. One, Barack Obama Sr., was a foreign national from Kenya, and the other, Stanley Ann Dunham, was too young to have qualified under the law for bestowing that privilege on her son, even if the father had been a citizen and even in the unlikely event Obama was actually born in Hawaii!

Um, FAIL, as I believe the kids say, Joe.  Even if you’re unacquainted with the Constitution, I’m sure that as a right wing trope conduit, you’re familiar with the term “anchor baby.”  If not, I’d suggest you ask Michelle Malkin.

So, if we are to take Obama at his word, he is not a natural born citizen and not eligible to serve as president.

But then, everything he says is a lie, so we’re kind of back to square one.

If he is to be judged by the same standard as his opponent in the race, there is no way he qualifies. That’s what Leahy said. That’s what Chertoff said. That’s what the law says.

Says you.

But let me remind you all, in case you hadn’t considered this: Obama plans to run for re-election in 2012. And that’s why we can never, ever let this matter rest.

And it’s due to just that kind of perseverance — specifically, his refusal to let the matter of Free Silver ever rest — that William Jennings Bryan is remembered as one of our greatest Presidents.

We All Knew Her As “Nancy”

Posted by scott on June 15th, 2009

Bruce (Betty-Jo) Bialosky is founder of the “Republican Jewish Coalition of California,” (a position which offers slightly less opportunity for human interaction than the job of Major Appliance Repair Specialist for the Maytag Corporation), as well as a columnist for Townhall; and it’s in the latter capacity that he has a special message for President Obama:


Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not the message.  The actual message reads, “Psyche!

Mr. Obama, your speech in Cairo encouraged me to reconsider my thoughts on how I view Islam as a religion in today’s society. I have really thought it over and decided to fully accept Islam … with just a few caveats.

Betty-Jo is one of the Caveat Creeps!

First, they have to stop treating women as second class citizens.

Except when it comes to abortion — we’re actually kind of on-board with that part of the program.  And the staying home and raising children, and submitting to her husband, and…  Okay, look.  Basically, we demand that women in Muslim countries be treated as second class citizens with the option to buy an upgrade to first class if they’re light-skinned and rich enough.

Don’t tell me those head covers are worn by choice. They are forced on them just like honor killings.

Well now I feel bad for all those Orthodox Jewish women I pass on my way to the New Beverly Cinema.  I always assumed the scarves and snoods were consensual.

Halacha (Jewish law) requires married women to cover their hair…

It is sad the French have it right and we don’t on this issue. This is a country where we have worked for a hundred years to bring equality to women.

Just give us another couple hundred more and I’m sure we’ll nail it.

Allowing any woman to be subservient is disgraceful.

Couldn’t agree more.  Still, we better check the directions first…

Corinthians 11:  Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head. And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head—it is just as though her head were shaved. If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off; and if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut or shaved off, she should cover her head. A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. For this reason, and because of the angels, the woman ought to have a sign of authority on her head.

So come on, ladies, we’re at war — dishonor your head!

And come to think of it, tell your Secretary of State and Speaker of the House to stop covering their heads on visits. They are supposed to be beacons of the women’s movement. By covering their heads, they are not being respectful to their hosts– they are disgracing every woman who ever fought for equal rights.


Don’t mind me, hum-de-dum, just disgracing my sex, la-la-la…

Next, tell the Islamists to stop killing gays. Maybe gays are not totally accepted in this society, but we have made great progress in the last 50 years. We may not agree on gay marriage, but we certainly agree on equal rights for gays.

“…in that we agree they shouldn’t have any…Okay, I admit, that’s another point for the Islamists, but even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”

We don’t allow them to be killed just for being gay.

They’ve got to be gay and do something offensive, like cruise Tucker Carlson in a public toilet.  Then it’s on, bitch!

How about the issue of freely elected democratic governments in the Muslim world? Not too many of those around, are there Mr. Obama? When the Islamic world stops being run like feudal societies given up by the rest of the world half a millennium ago, I think it would then be a grand time to accept the Muslims.

(Offer void in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Bahrain, Oman, and Qatar.)

I know it is sometimes politically expedient to deal with dictators…But please explain to me why in today’s world, where the great majority of people live in democracies, that we need to make nice-nice with dictators. This country is all about not accepting autocracies, Mr. Obama.


Just their tongues.