Remember when we named Jennifer Giroux “A Wingnut to Watch in 2005”? Yeah, so I’m the only one. I’ll review her history later, but for now, let’s take a look at her new RenewAmerica column, “Women…..where are your children?”

Women…..where are your children?”

With the release of the Census Bureau’s Current Population Survey, the past few days we have seen the analysis of women who are having (and not having) children. According to Census Bureau’s Current Population Survey, the highest group of women on track for loneliness in their twilight years due to ‘childlessness’ are White women (20%). Not too far behind comes Black and Hispanic women (17%) followed closely by Asian women (16%).

I have to admit that I personally am a White woman without children, and thus right on track for my “loneliness in my twilight years” future. But now that Jenn has warned me of my fate, I guess I still have time for some fortification and a bastard, simply so that I don’t have to feel alone during my declining years.

Unfortunately, what you do not see in this study is an analysis of the “post contraceptive regret” that is prevalent among all ethnic groups of women.

How do I know this?

Because Jenn, like The Shadow, knows what evil lurks in the hearts of women.

First hand testimony and Nursing experience.

“Nursing” is capitalized because Jenn has so MUCH experience with it, what with nine children she had to breast-feed.

Ask any mom of a large family and she will tell you that women often approach us in public when they see our many children and express sadness and remorse or tell (a perfect stranger) why it is that she wanted to have more children “but……….”

Really? Not that I doubt Jenn or anything, but before I believe this, I want to see a reputable polling group ask this question of a significant sampling of moms of large families. I know that my own mother has six children, and I was frequently in public with her, and I never heard anyone, perfect stranger or not, tell my mother that she wanted to have more children “but … feminism wouldn’t let me.”

Over the years as a Registered Nurse, I experienced a steady pattern of women who shared their gut-wretching stories of pain and sadness from their choice at a young age to not have children.

You’ll note that Jenn doesn’t say that she experienced this pattern while working as a RN (because as the mother of nine, it would have been wrong of her to work full-time outside the home). But yes, I imagine that as she was out in public, just going about her business as a woman with a nursing license and a whole heap o’ progeny, a steady pattern of women came up to her and wretched their guts out about how … they could have had 19 children and a reality series on The Exploitation Channel if only they hadn’t stopped having kids when they didn’t want any more.

Some were sterilized even before having even one child.

Really, again? Because doctors are usually loath to tie the tubes of a childless woman. But maybe she’s talking about women without kids who use a lot of Lysol hand sanitizer. In any case, Jenn has met as least three or four of these sterilized, childless women, and presumably they wretched their guts to her about how wrong they were about everything.

I also witnessed Nursing homes where older women, sit staring with a far away blank look on their faces while rocking a baby doll for consolation.

I too have witnessed this. These unfortunate women are suffering from dementia, and have reverted to thoughts and actions of childhood. Feminism really can’t be blamed for Alzheimer’s, no matter now much Jenn would like to claim it was so.

These Nursing homes and Retirement centers are now prisons of loneliness. The inmates go day after day and week after week with no children or grandchildren to visit them.

Because their selfish children and grandchildren don’t make the effort to see them! Which is a great argument for not having kids – you bring them into this world, sacrifice your hopes and dreams to raise them, and then, when you’re old, do they ever visit? NO! You might as well use your time and energy to have a career and make lots of money – then you can pay for a male prostitute to come by when you are feeling lonely.

They live a self imposed life sentence with the burning regret over the children they willingly prevented or aborted.

I think that a scientific study would find that at least 80% of nursing home “inmates” who don’t receive regular visitors were parents during their reproductive years.

When I was a child we lived 5 doors from St. Margaret of Cortona church. I recall how often we would walk down the street during Lent to frequently attend the Stations of the Cross. It is not until recently that I have been able to fully grasp what was meant by Our Lord as he met the women of Jerusalem on the way to the Cross:

“Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. For behold, the days are coming when they will say, “Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed!” (Luke 23:28)

“Blessed are the barren” is exactly what the media is saying to us when we are told, “Women have more options than in the past to build strong careers and to exercise the choice not to have children.” More empty words of wisdom from D’Vara Cohn.

Huh? The verse that Jenn cites is where Jesus is predicting the destruction of Jerusalem, a time associated with all kinds of bad stuff. A time when, as explained by the Bible dictionary, “sterility, which had otherwise been considered an opprobrium, was accounted a circumstance most felicitous.” Basically, Jesus is saying that there will come a time when things are going to be so bad for the Jews that they will wish they didn’t have kids. But, per Jenn, the media is saying that circumstances are now so good for women that they don’t have to have kids if they don’t want to. So, if Jenn thinks she finally understands what Jesus meant on the way to the Cross — and he meant that women shouldn’t have careers — she is seriously fooling herself.

Unfortunately, the current numbers on ‘childlessness’ account for those who bought into the myth that contraception and abortion would liberate them for an awesome career in a ‘man’s world’. It’s time to ask them if giving up motherhood was well worth the fulfillment they were promised. It is in their honest and tearful responses that we will find the answer to our question: “Women,…..where are your children?.”

In the silence of their hearts, women are indeed weeping.

Yeah, I can hear it from here.

Anyway, let’s give a big hand to Jenn Giroux, who is clearly still a Wingnut to Watch, if you want to watch wingnuts. Go below the fold if you want a brief trip down memory lane with Jenn, and a peek at her current resume.

(more…)

Wingnuts | 30 Comments »

Pamela Geller of Atlas Shrugs has taken a brief holiday from pointing at Muslims and hissing, like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, to spend time blaming the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act for the existence of blowjobs.

Forty Years of Feminism Now Bearing Fruit

A new documentary, Oral Sex Is the New Goodnight Kiss, chronicles America’s moral decay. Sharlene Azam, a Canadian filmmaker, says, “If you talk to teens [about oral sex], they’ll tell you it’s not a big deal. In fact, they don’t consider it sex. They don’t consider a lot of things sex.” In the documentary, teenage girls talk casually about their sexual experiences and even their forays into prostitution.

One girl sums up the new attitudes: “Five minutes and I got $100. If I’m going to sleep with them anyway because they’re good-looking, might as well get paid for it, right?”

Well that certainly sounds appalling. Of course, this wouldn’t be the first time that kids exaggerated their behavior to shock adults, or a filmmaker edited her documentary with the goal of emphasizing the most sensational, if not necessarily the most representative or illuminating footage. Nor would it be the first time professional scolds have promoted their crusades on the basis of anecdotes, fantasies and urban legends (who can forget rainbow parties?) But even if Azam’s claim that most dates end, not with a chaste peck on the lips, but a Goodnight Hummer (which, by the way, was my favorite book as a child), it seems more likely to be a simple case of puberty, rather than prostitution (Pam doesn’t provide a link, but she seems to have lifted her quotes from this Good Morning America story: “I mean, we’re not looking for our future husbands,” one girl said. “We’re just looking for, maybe like … at our age, especially, I think all of us, both sexes, we have a lot of urges, I guess, that need to be taken care of. So if we resort to a casual thing, no strings attached, it’s perfectly fine.”).

Sounds like the prevailing attitude toward sex when I was in high school. Boy, things sure have…changed.

Azam said that this was going on in good homes right under parents’ noses: “The prettiest girls from the most successful families [are the most at risk]. We’re not talking about marginalized girls.

Because who cares about underprivileged girls’ hymens?

[Parents] don’t want to know because they really don’t know what to do. I mean, you might be prepared to learn that, at age 12, your daughter has had sex, but what are you supposed to do when your daughter has traded her virginity for $1,000 or a new bag?”

Make sure you get your cut? After all, Daddy rented a tux for Baby’s Purity Ball, so her deflowered hoohah owes him like 75 bucks.

This is the bitter fruit of forty years of feminist domination in the United States.

It’s because of feminist dominatrices that otherwise serious online journalists feel obliged to vlog in their bikinis.

Virtue, self-worth, and man’s moral value are DOA in the age of the cultural domination of the left. What an awful stench this decaying corpse gives off, lying in a smoldering, fetid pile of ash.

Cremation: You’re Doing It Wrong.

This is how the phony feminist movement empowered women? Girls selling the it for a handbag?

Sure, The Feminine Mystique had a lot of boilerplate about equal rights and such shit, but most women bought it for the convenient sex-act-to-accessory conversion chart. (Flipping open my old dogeared copy at random, I see that in 1963 a handjob translated to a Jackie O-style pillbox hat, while anal sex could be redeemed for a pair of 1/4 karat diamond stud earrings in a white gold setting.)

Those men-hating parasites have ruined the glorious exaltation of women in 20th-century America.

Ah yes, back in those glorious days when spousal rape was legal. You gals didn’t know exhaltation when it smacked you in the face with a closed fist.

I know. I grew up in it. All one has to do is watch movies from the forties, fifties, and sixties (before the left culture rout) to catch a glimpse of the status of women. We were then formidable, respected, treasured, and above all…revered. It was as good as it gets.

Absolutely! After all, who do you girls respect more? Joan Holloway…

…or this unformidable, unglorious bitch?

To say that feminism was one of the worst things to happen to women is being easy.

And as we all know, a woman who’s “easy” is a woman who has sex!

It has been worse for men.

For men, the 19th Amendment is like the 14th Amendment — in reverse!

The demon seeds of the “liberation” movement are everywhere — including the epidemic of single motherhood, the breakdown of the American family, the street vernacular of “bitches and hos,” the emasculation of men, and the bone-crushing responsibility of single moms acting as mother, father, breadwinner, chief cook, and bottle-washer.

If only Andrea Dworkin hadn’t invented rap music, women would still be treasured, and our bottles would be filthy.

And what has Obama done about all this? He has appointed Kevin Jennings, the founder of GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network), to be his Safe Schools Czar.

Gay men are the worst men-hating parasites.

But this is no surprise, of course. A breakdown of sexual mores and a flouting of convention is part and parcel of the agenda in every society to which socialism has come.

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be lefties.

Every child in America, all 73.7 million of them, should be kept safe from the leftist inculcation of the public school curriculum. Taxpayer money should be used to help set up home-schooling networks and resources across the country.

This will force women to quit their jobs and stay home and teach their children geography. Nothing could be more freeing.

We spend more per capita on education than virtually every other nation, and yet we rank close to the bottom in math and science — so busy are our children being force-fed global warming junk science, the LGBT agenda, a whitewashed Muhammad, and other assorted propaganda.

Home-schools will vastly improve our scientific literacy, and fortunately, it’s a cinch to start your own. All you need is a home, a copy of the Old Testament, a picture of Muhammad, and a can of wood stain (Cuban Mahogany Heavy Distressed or darker).

This is how the left has been destroying America since they took over in the ’60s. Now the teenage girls in Azam’s documentary are reaping what the left has been sowing for decades.

You may have a point, Pam, but honestly, I respect, treasure, and revere you as a woman far too much to listen to a frigging word you have to say.

Wingnuts | 52 Comments »

I’ve been trying to keep up with the Weekly Obama Metaphors (Wingnut Tested and Approved), but you know how it is — you get distracted by a TV show or a shiny object — so I don’t claim to have collected the whole set (yet, while I doubt I could defeat a Pikachu, I have enough mint condition trading tropes that I could probably take on a Wartortle or a Caterpie).  Back in April, the order of the day was Obama as Pinocchio.  After that, he was the naked, strutting Emperor from the Hans Christian Andersen story, and this week, he’s the “boy president,” according to RenewAmerica’s Bryan Fischer, “who has three more long years to keep swinging his wrecking ball at what remains of America’s Judeo-Christian value system” and “a lost boy,” according to Townhall’s Kevin McCullough.  And since I’m tired, I’m going to call two examples a trend and stop looking before I find the low rent pundit who’s coined the inevitable “Boybama.”

Now, Mr. Fischer is an old friend of Wo’C, and his column is, as usual, fairly offensive, but in the battle to decide the Right Blogosphere’s Most Self-Satisfied, Yet Worst Writer, there can be no quarter, so…I choose you, Musclehead Revolution Guy!

Why Obama’s Boyish Utopia Endangers Us

Sure, he may not look like much, but how many other Pocket Monsters can knock out the English language after just one paragraph?

President Barack Obama is still just a lost boy at his age, and he searches for a world he wished existed. His insistence upon living in his world, though attractive to the uneducated, neglected, and naive, is dangerously heaping hot coals of consequence on the heads of those who know better.

And the only thing worse than someone heaping hot coals of consequence on your head, is being forced to walk barefoot over a bed of hot hats of significance.

President Barack Obama is not a strong leader…And his unwillingness to admit that the world is facing a crossroads of strength through force now, or humiliation and pain through attack in days to come is a demonstration of his paralysis in the most important question of our time.

That question is, of course, “Who ate all the Frusen Glädjé?”

Anyway, my advice is: Don’t play in the intersection of humiliation and pain through attack in days to come, and look both ways before crossing strength through force now, or you’ll become roadkill through bus impact at some time during the fiscal 4th quarter.

His rejection in Copenhagen was a sting of confirmation–not only of his global powerlessness–but of his ability to use campaigning on his personality as a legitimate tool of negotiation.

I’m not exactly sure what Kevin is attempting to convey here — and I’m sure the fault is mine — but he appears to be saying that Obama has no power over the globe, and is therefore unable to catch his own Pokémon, but he does have the ability to use campaigning on his personality, much as an avid gardener might use mulch on his celery trench — at least until he’s stung by a confirmation, and goes into anaphylactic shock.

President Obama believes his good press far too often, trusts his advisors’ agreement as a sign of genuine critical analysis, and believes the American people are too unenlightened to truly understand his methods.

Meanwhile, Kevin believes that he can read minds, and is forced to don an elaborate turban of aluminum foil before bedtime to keep his neighbors from assassinating him in his dreams.

All three realities push the President further into an altered state of worldview that are having disastrous impact on the life of average Ameicans.

I admit it, I can only handle one, maybe two realities at once, which is why I only get into an altered state of worldview on the weekends.

President Obama doesn’t seem to grasp the expressed will of the people who elected him. In the President’s utopia it is doctors, not trial lawyers, that are being selfish and charging people for procedures they do not need just to “make a buck.”

Which is another reason you probably shouldn’t hire Dr. Orly Taitz, Esq.

In the world you and I live in, we know that doctors run the risk of a massive lawsuit every time they deliver bad news to a patient.

Especially when the news is, “I’m afraid we amputated the wrong leg.  And I can’t understand how it happened, since you were in here for Botox.”

In Afghanistan, President Obama has waited now for more than a month to make a decision to expand our footprint there by no more than 40,000 troops.

Geez, is that all?  He could probably pull that many troops out of Petty Cash.

In President Obama’s utopia he wishes war did not exist, but he has yet to realize that in order for it to be halted, he himself may have to recognize the threat that not addressing it properly would have.

Sentence diagram provided by M.C. Escher.

On Iran, President Obama has issued a stern assessment of their nuclear ambitions. His stern words, in President Obama’s utopia, should be enough for a reasonable world leader to be worried about so as to pick up a phone and wish to work it out that afternoon. Yet even after the IAEA’s meetings on Iran, even after President Obama issued another stern deadline, the administration has begun to backtrack. In President Obama’s utopia, the United States is not superior to other nations and therefore we should be powerless to have any say on how they develop.

Um…Stern!

On the economy, “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” sounds good. In a perfect world, such purity of goodness would be a place none on this planet recognize.

Well said.  Well.  Said, anyway.

On America’s image in the world, in President Obama’s utopia he is fine with the idea of “American Exceptionalism” being challenged or even turned upside down. Yet in reality no country has suffered more loss of its own, for the welfare of others in history.

Yeah, but that’s only one of the three available realities.  Now, you can either stick with Reality #2, pick the curtain, or I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you have a hard-boiled egg in your purse.

President Obama is not a strong decision maker–most law professors aren’t…He is also a man who envisions a world that will never exist. It is his inability to see it thus, that tonight makes America more vulnerable, more hopeless, and without any immediate hope of changing coming anytime soon.

It is, in a word, dangerous.

Yeah.  I’m thinking of a word too, Kevin.  Can you guess what it is?

Wingnuts | 30 Comments »

Mama said there’d be days like this.  My herniated disc tried rather abruptly this morning to finally make good its escape from my spine, and a creditable effort it was.  Meanwhile, as I was busy attempting to medicate my malfunctioning back into submission, I was visited by a cluster headache — which, if you’ve never had the pleasure, feels a bit like you’re trying to pass a fully inflated blowfish through your right eye, but it’s gotten stuck in the socket.  And it’s wriggling.  Fortunately, I have medication for that as well, which means that at present my bloodstream is a wholly owned subsidiary of Pfizer.

As you can imagine, I haven’t felt inspired to compound the pain by reading any of the usual suspects today, but as I wandered somnolently past RenewAmerica, I did stub my toe on the reliably truculent Warner Todd Huston, who has dedicated today’s column to proving that Chappaquiddick was MURDER!

Over at the Chicago Tribute, writer Eric Zorn indulged in a “thought experiment,” wondering how different the outcome might have been had the tragedy  played out in the era of 24-hour cable news.  According to Huston, Zorn concludes that Teddy Kennedy’s subsequent accomplishments in the Senate were worth the life of one young woman, although that doesn’t seem to be the question he’s posing.  Again, maybe it’s the drugs talking, but since Kennedy was never charged with a crime, the issue seems to be whether justice would have been better served if he’d been tried in the press.  But let’s sit back and let Warner lay out his case in his usual magisterial fashion:

If this isn’t the perfect example that liberals don’t care who has to die in order to make sure that left wing policies win the day, then nothing does. We can see this prime example in Eric Zorn’s horrid August 28 editorial where he thanks … well, whatever deity leftists believe in, if any… that the country didn’t quickly find out about the homicide of Mary Jo Kopechne that was committed by Teddy Kennedy in July of 1969.

You know, given the circumstances, I think even Jack McCoy would have let Kennedy plead to Man II.

Zorn is happy that the news of Teddy’s crime was quashed for hours as the poor woman slowly drowned while Teddy boy sat around a plush hotel drinking with pals.

It was the perfect crime…until D.A. Warner Todd Huston took the case!

So, as far as Zorn is concerned, quashing the news of the homicide that Kennedy committed was a good thing. In Zorn’s opinion, allowing the woman to slowly drown wasn’t so bad after all.

You’ll notice Counsel is stressing the “quashing” and the “slowly drown” part.  This was the crucial part of the murderer’s plan; he had to make sure he rolled his Oldsmobile off the bridge at just the precise speed and angle so that it would land upside down, creating an air pocket that would allow his victim to drown slowly enough that he could swim back to Edgartown and establish an alibi by drinking with buddies in a plush hotel.

It was a fiendishly diabolical plot.  But the killer forgot just one thing!  He was up against the World’s Greatest Detective, Warner Todd Huston!

There is no doubt whatever that Teddy Kennedy is guilty of homicide. There is little doubt that after that he was guilty of all sorts of moral outrages and violations of the law not to mention sins against his country. He was a terror supporter by helping the IRA during “the troubles,” he was a drunk and a sexual harasser, he tried to make side deals against his country with our enemies, and he supported some of the most un-American policies ever to disgrace Washington. That on top of his culpability in Kopechne’s death.

Teddy Kennedy was an odious, horrible American from a long line of criminals, abusers, drug addicts and murderers.

Actually, a lot of these details seem to assume facts not in evidence, or contradict the accepted chronology of events, and I have to admit I had some doubts about Warner’s assertions; that is, until I read his bio.  “Warner Todd Huston’s thoughtful commentary [is] sometimes irreverent[,] often historically based.”  I always thought his thoughtful commentaries were petroleum based, like caulking and pantyhose — so color me abashed.

Now I’m going to see if I can crawl gingerly enough into bed that I can keep my vertebrae from colliding like Clackers.

Wingnuts | 12 Comments »

I’m on deadline again, so I thought I’d just scoop a couple of the larger clumps of Wingnut Opinion, then spray Febreze around the place and worry about changing the litter tomorrow…

First stop:  Townhall, where prostitute phalange fellator Dick Morris asks: Are the Dems Suicidal?

If the Democrats obey Obama’s commands and pass health-care reform legislation by the August recess, they will be committing partisan suicide, akin to lemmings going over the cliff en masse…It smacks of the same kind of overreaching as doomed FDR’s second term in 1937 after his landslide victory in 1936.

Heed Dick’s words, Obama, for it was surely FDR’s excess of ambition which ensured Wendell Willkie’s election as the 33rd President of the United States.

Next, Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D offers a Master Class in Irony with this week’s column, You Aren’t Bipolar, You’re Just a Jerk!

It’s getting old, isn’t it? Everyone these days is bipolar or has some other chic mental disorder that he feels excuses his self-centered conduct.

Whereas Dr. Professor Mike can act like an insufferable twat and never offer any excuse whatsoever, somehow remaining convinced that he enjoys a moral and spiritual advantage over everyone he meets.  Whether these delusions represent a form of mental illness I am not, of course, competent to say, because I don’t have a Ph.D in criminology.

Having a mental disorder used to be a source of embarrassment.

We didn’t need anti-depressants, we had shame.  And we liked it that way!

But, now, it’s often a request for special treatment, which, when granted, fuels self-centered conduct. That’s why a pastor friend of mine now hears the claim “But, I’m bipolar!” in approximately 80 percent of his marital counseling sessions. This means that approximately 40 percent of the people he counsels are claiming to be “bipolar.”

Assuming his “pastor friend” is Doug Giles, I believe I can shed some light on this improbable statistic.  After listening to ten minutes of Giles’ increasingly high-pitched exhortations to “sack up for your savior!” and “bitch-slap your inner Barney Frank!” and “I’m a goddamn shark master!” and “Have you seen my painting of Jesus’s penis?  I made the pubes extra bushy ’cause I’m into that…” you naturally begin to suspect you’ve gone crazy.

Is there something in the water that is causing a massive outbreak in manic-depression and other mental disorders?

Nope, just some hormone-mimicking chemicals that cause cancer and sterility.

Just about everyone who really suffers from some form of depression (manic or otherwise) has something in common: He is engaged in self-centered conduct, which either a) actually caused the disorder (real or perceived), or b) greatly exacerbates the disorder (real or perceived).

Professor Dr. Mike is an evangelical Christian and a non-medical doctor, so I believe what he’s actually saying here is that depression does not have a psychological or physical origin, but is simply the result of lingering guilt over unexpiated sin.  This clinical insight means that the mentally ill are not entitled to receive the alms and pity that Christ commanded his followers to offer the sick, and it also allows Dr. Mike to hate both the sin and the sinner, since the latter is not only staining his immortal soul, but inconveniencing an Associate Professor at a minor university.

People who suffer from, or claim to suffer from, some form of depression usually respond in one of two ways:

1) They seek psychological counseling, which focuses largely on “talk therapy.” During these talk therapy sessions the patient pays a doctor to listen to him talk at length about himself and his problems. Since this is just another exercise in self-absorption, it rarely works.

As Dr. Mike (who isn’t really a doctor, but apparently likes to play one on the internet) tells his imaginary patients, the “talking cure” went out with Freud and frigidity, so forget what sources like the National Institute of Mental Health says about the effectiveness of psychotherapies, alone or in conjunction with medication.  After all, Dr. Mike has a Master’s in Psychology, and “turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer.”

2) They seek psychiatric care, which usually results in a drug prescription. Paying someone to give you mood altering drugs, rather than addressing your behavior, involves a degree of self-absorption that simply cannot be ignored. But it usually is ignored. And that’s why the drugs usually don’t do the trick. In fact, they often lead people to suicide.

Depressed?  Ask your doctor if doing jack-shit is right for you.

Behind the two generally misguided approaches to curing depression is the common fallacy that our emotions are usually the causes, not the effects, of our behavior. But, in reality, it is our behavior that usually shapes our attitudes and our emotions.

Yes, it makes no sense that emotions would motivate behavior, when the science of Sociology/Criminology has proven that we only experience emotions as the result of our actions.  For example, nobody is going to listen to some smarmy douchebag belittle the problems of people struggling with mental illness, get angry, and then punch him.  It’s much more likely that someone would punch another person suddenly, out of the blue, then get angry at them.

If you don’t believe what I’m saying I want you to try a little exercise the next time you wake up in a bad mood. All it involves is simply forcing yourself to smile and exchange simple pleasantries with every stranger you see during the morning hours. That simple act of saying something nice and seeing a return smile will kill any bad mood in less than half a day. It has a success rate of about 100 percent.

Bad mood > clinical depression.  So there you go — Dr. Mike can diagnosis your character flaws (what those witch doctors at the NIMH call “depression”), and in a fraction of the time he can achieve the exact same results as medication or years of psychotherapy: an urge to commit suicide.

Wingnuts | 28 Comments »

Since last fall, a multitude of wingnuts have filed writs of habeas data demanding Barack Obama surrender his birth certificate.  Undaunted by repeated failures in state and federal court, and unsatisfied by the Certification of Live Birth issued by the Hawaiian Department of Health and posted online by the Obama campaign, so-called Birthers continued their quest for the real document, the Magna Carta of county records, known to their fellow crusaders as a “long form” or “vault copy” birth certificate.  But with the Argus-eyed gaze of the media wandering away to fresher Republican-crafted chimeras — Look!  It’s the soul of Archie Bunker swaddled in the dusky skin of a Latina, like a racist pastele wrapped in banana leaves! — even the denizens of Townhall (motto: “Yes, we say a lot of crazy shit, but it’s not because we’re crazy; it’s just because we’re assholes.”*) have largely begun to lose interest.  But not World Net Daily.  Even as weaker wingnuts fall, Joseph Farah forges on like the youth who bore, ‘mid snow and ice/A banner with the strange device–Excelsior!

And now, after countless disappointments, his perseverance has at last been rewarded with incontrovertible proof that Obama is an unnatural born, xeno-usurper.

WASHINGTON – The Hawaiian certification of live birth Barack Obama posted on his campaign website and distributed to select news organizations as proof he was a “natural born citizen” would not be accepted as a “birth certificate” even for some Hawaiian state government eligibility issues, WND has learned.

Wow, that does sound bad.  You mean, despite what we’ve been told about the Certification of Live Birth, even the state of Hawaii doesn’t consider it sufficient identification for getting a drivers license, or renting porn movies?

The investigation follows a Honolulu Star Bulletin column Saturday, which quotes a state Department of Health spokeswoman as saying the state’s current certification of live birth is recognized “as an official birth certificate meeting all federal and other requirements.”

Longtime readers are well aware of the profound respect World O’ Crap holds for Joseph Farah and the luxurious pelt he cultivates between his lip and nose.  So you can imagine how deeply it pains us to suggest that Mr. Farah’s continuing demands for the “long form” birth certificate are perhaps a trifle disingenuous:

Okubo said the Health Department “does not have a short-form or long-form certificate.”

Okubo also emphasized the certification form “contains all the information needed by all federal government agencies for transactions requiring a birth certificate.”

Except — and here’s where Obama, like all super-villains, slips up — if you’re not content being the Leader of the Free World, and would also like to lease state land set aside for native Hawaiians in order to practice animal husbandry!

The website of the Department of Hawaiian Home Lands, however, states clearly the certification of live birth touted by the Obama campaign, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs and a host of other Obama defenders is not acceptable as a form of identification to qualify under this program.

Well, that settles it.  Barack Obama is not constitutionally eligible to serve as President because the state of Hawaii doesn’t consider him an autochthon for the purposes of homesteading:

Eligibility Requirements

To be eligible to apply for a Hawaiian home lands homestead lease, you must meet two requirements:

• You must be at least 18 years of age; and
• You must be a native Hawaiian, defined as “any descendant of not less than one-half part of the blood of the races inhabiting the Hawaiian Islands previous to 1778.” This means, you must have a blood quantum of at least 50 percent Hawaiian. This requirement remains unchanged since the HHCA’s passage in 1921.

The general rule of thumb in determining 50 percent blood quantum is to submit enough documentation tracing your genealogy to your full Hawaiian ancestor(s). Some applicants need only go back one or two generations – that is, to their grandparents.

Given that Obama never claimed to be a native Hawaiian, just native to Hawaii, and hasn’t thus far demonstrated any obvious interest in an agricultural or pastoral career, this may not prove to be quite the monkeywrench WND anticipates.  But perhaps a more important issue is why World Net Daily, after linking to a story explaining there is no such thing as a “long form birth certificate,” continues to insist that Obama release one.

Joseph Farah, WND editor and chief executive officer, launched a national billboard campaign last month in an effort to keep the issue before the American people. The billboards, being leased around the country, ask the simple question, “Where’s the birth certificate?” Farah is asking the public to support his campaign with donations. So far, more than $75,000 has been collected.

Oh…

[Said Farah] “The only obstacle to this campaign is raising the money necessary to make it truly a national phenomenon.”

Right.  Got it.

Your donation – from as little as $5 to as much as $1,000 – can be made online at the WND SuperStore. (Donations are not tax-deductible. Donations of amounts greater than $1,000 can be arranged by calling…

Okay!  Thank you!  We get the point…!

If you’d like to give as little as $5, or as much as $1000 to help this man rent more billboards in Louisiana and Pennsylvania in order to shame Hawaii into giving him a document that doesn’t exist, just remember:

This stuff doesn’t come cheap.

*h/t D.Sidhe

Wingnuts | 15 Comments »

Well, it’s been a big day in jurisprudence, what with the failure of the California Supreme Court to overturn Proposition 8, and the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the United States Supreme Court.  I’m still too irked about the former to comment, and not really qualified to remark on the latter.  Fortunately, there’s no shortage of lawyers in Right Blogtopia to whom we might appeal for guidance and analysis, but they all seem to be hammering the same rhetorical points, in a manner that evokes an image of all Three Stooges attemping to simultaneously drive a single nail.  So I thought I’d check in with a few wingnuts who come from different disciplines and professional backgrounds, in the hope of obtaining a fresh perspective.  First up, we’ll consult with Dr. Melissa Clothier to learn how the nomination of the first Hispanic to the U.S. Supreme Court is affecting our nation’s osteopaths.

I’m Gay! I’m Hispanic! I’m Female! Meanwhile…..

So the Supreme Court of California upheld a law thus reinforcing the will of the people and that’s noteworthy only because the court has made such a consistent practice of making laws rather than interpreting them. There will be lawsuits. There will be outrage.

I don’t care.

Ah.  I see I’ve come to the wrong person for commentary.  Sorry to bother you.

So President Obama was utterly predictable and picked a Supreme Court nominee driven by identity politics that, SURPRISE!, helps him in his quest to mollify Hispanic voters since sweeping amnesty might be a tough sell since he’s also in bed with the unions–a triangulation that I’ve seen as a Democrat problem for quite some time.

Forget triangulation — you need a GPS just to find your way to the end of that sentence.

He was going to nominate a looney lib and she fits the bill quite nicely. It’s not about the law. It’s about me. Wheeeee!

Okay, enough for you, Doctor.  I’m not handing your keys over until you sober up.

I don’t care.

It sounds like Dr. Melissa is suffering from the same condition that plagued young Johnny in .

North Korea flexing it’s mentally ill muscle and conducting a sophisticated display of weaponry as a sales job on Memorial Day while the President plays his fiddle, I mean, plays a round of golf–now that I care about. A lot.

That doesn’t really trouble me, but I am worried that secretly my chiropractor believes the brain is actually a muscle.  Of course, the ability to think with one’s gluteus maximus would go a long way toward explaining the output of Jonah Goldberg.

Iran sending a fleet of ships out while while the President plays a round of golf–now that I care about. A lot.

Whereas I don’t care about that at all.  Now watch this drive!

In the midst of this haggling, the world is on the edge of conflagration. Meanwhile, the president plays golf and issues weak statements. Who ever thought that a Supreme Court nominee could be a diversion but damn skippy if that’s not the case today.

I understand that you’re upset about golf, but I don’t see what good blaming the peanut butter will do.

When I look at the frenzy swirling around, I can’t help but to wonder about the confusion.

I’m afraid we’ve only got the swirling frenzy.  Confusion’s on back order.

I fear that looking back, we’ll see the this time as a steady march toward chaos with the most important concerns ignored.

Don’t look now, but Swine Flu is spreading.

I don’t care.

Wingnuts | 20 Comments »

Before we begin, I have a question for any lawyers out there:  If Michael Medved is a paid lobbyist for the Almighty, is he required to register with the Justice Department under the Foreign Agents Registration Act (FARA)?  One can argue that as America is God’s favorite country, He’s obviously based in the U.S., but then a lot of ostensibly American corporations are actually headquartered in a post office box on Grand Cayman.  Additionally — and this is a problem you run into with many multi-nationals — God is omnipresent, so even if the bulk of His grace is shed domestically, for tax purposes He may be chartered in Macao or Ur.  Anyway, Michael’s mustache is practically leaping off his face with pious rage:

On Easter Sunday, President Obama successfully concluded his long search for a new White House dog but made no progress in his simultaneous quest for a new church for his family.

Could the contrasting status regarding the First Family’s two most publicized private decisions indicate that the President actually cares more about canine companionship than religious commitment?

Doesn’t he know that a god is a man’s best friend?

While the Obama girls welcomed Bo, the pure-bred and specially trained six-month-old Portuguese Water Dog, the Obamas attended Easter services at St. John’s Episcopal Church – the 200-year-old “Church of Presidents” across the street from the White House. Presidential staffers, however, indicated that the First Family hadn’t even come close to a final decision on a new spiritual home, after their mid-campaign repudiation of the long-time Chicago church where they worshipped with the bombastic, America-loathing pastor, Jeremiah Wright.

As a partisan chew toy, Jeremiah Wright has lost his savor, so you can understand why Medved is standing in the foyer, quivering and peeing with excitement like a miniature poodle, waiting for the Obamas to reach into that Petco bag and pull out a new Rawhide Reverend.

Amazingly, their Easter visit to St. John’s represented their first participation in Christian services since the inauguration – a period of nearly twelve weeks.

Let’s see, inaugurated in January, goes to church at Easter.  Next visit should be Christmas…Yep, seems like he’s on the same schedule as most Americans.

The White House press office noted that the President had spent several weekends at Camp David, and that the Presidential retreat contained a private chapel, so that he might have worshipped there privately with unannounced clerical visitors. In actuality, anyone who has noticed Mr. Obama’s eagerness to tout his own Christian credentials would doubt that any such service would have been conducted without publicity.

I don’t mean to inject Zen into an already roiling bouillabaisse of religion, but here’s a koan that’s always puzzled me:  If you go into a chapel (or closet) to pray, and Michael Medved doesn’t see it, does God hear you?

Actually, I think Michael is being just a trifle unfair.  It’s true that President Obama has veered sharply from a number of his predecessor’s policies, but he deserves credit for following Bush’s example in at least one area:  [from Beliefnet]

I think it’s perfectly relevant and fair to ask why a man [George W.  Bush] with such firm convictions about the power of religious congregations doesn’t belong to a congregation himself, though he may drop in on services at places like St. John’s Episcopal Church (near the White House) from time to time.

Why doesn’t he? Among the reasons I’ve been given is that the security precautions would be too onerous. This, it should be noted, is the exact same excuse Ronald Reagan proffered for not attending church at all during his time in Washington. And I’d almost buy it, if not for the fact that for several years in the late 1990s, I attended Foundry Methodist Church when the Clintons were members there and found that it took all of an extra five seconds to pass through the metal detectors and enter the church. Parishioners were not outnumbered by tourists (and, in any case, we were happy that they were in church, no matter what the reason) and the Clintons played an active role in the life of the church, with Chelsea particularly involved in the choir and youth group while she was still in town.

I’m sure that over the past eight years, Michael wrote many hectoring columns taking Bush to task for his desultory church attendance, but I don’t seem to be able to locate them at this exact moment.  Tell ya what, I’ll try to find ya some, and I’ll bring ‘em to ya.

The President even made a point of grabbing press attention for his attendance at an impromptu “White House Seder” in which he celebrated Passover with some Jewish members of his staff. The absence of rabbis or religious scholars demonstrates the relative unimportance attached to this “ecumenical” event by the Obama team; if the President had desired a more substantive learning and sharing experience for Passover, he might have included any number of luminaries, Jewish and Christian, rather than limiting the experience to White House insiders like Valerie Jarrett and David Axelrod.

You’ve never had seder till you’ve had it at James Dobson’s house.  He serves a mayonnaise chremslach that’ll make you plotz.  By the way, if Michael booked Rick Warren, but the pastor backed out at the last moment due to exhaustion, would Michael cancel his own seder?  (“We’ve got the matzoh, the maror, and the zeroah, but where’s the celebrity Christian?!  I mean, what’s the point…“)

So let’s see if I’m following the crazy logic train: Obama hasn’t joined a church after 12 weeks in office, which is worse than Bush failing to join one in eight years because unlike Obama, Bush never talked about his faith or pretended to be religious.  And it’s unlikely that Obama ever worshipped in private at Camp David because he never walked out of the chapel and issued a press release, but when he sat down for the first Presidential seder in the White House, reporters considered that somehow newsworthy enough to mention.

In any event, the President has every right to continue to take his time in finding a new church…

“And I have every right to continue chewing on his pantleg like a rabid Bichon Frise.”

…but his delay seems to contradict his self-description as a “devout Christian” in his books, speeches, and interviews (including the adoring Newsweek cover story, “The Faith of Barack Obama”). Spending the first three months of a presidency without attending church is hardly an indication of bad character, but it is a reflection (at the very least) of a lack of conventional piety.  [...]

Many religious believers have begun to turn away from politics in disgust, in part because of the suspicion that candidates of all ideological orientations manipulate religious symbols and organizations for their own benefit. In this regard, Ronald Reagan represents the rarest sort of high office-holder – a President whose private, personal faith commitment and Biblical engagement was actually far more intense and significant than the public assumed during his presidency.

So let’s review:  claiming to be a Christian yet not going to church makes you a hypocrite, unless you’re Ronald Reagan, in which case it makes you an unsung saint.  In fact, I bet John Paul II canonized the Gipper in a clandestine ceremony in one of those ornate, secret rooms in the Vatican where they keep Jesus and Mary Magdalene’s wedding frescoes.

Wingnuts | 33 Comments »

RenewAmerica columnist Selwyn Duke is much like the Elephant Man — his head is so big because it’s full of dreams.  Dreams in which he’s smarter than you; so smart that when he tells you about the ducks and the cupcakes, it will change the way you think about politics and snakes and internal torque wrenches.

Giving Obama a chance

Being a cerebral sort

You can tell he’s cerebral from his headshot…

…still, it’s nice of him to point it out to those of us who might not immediately recognize the “Big Thinker” pose from the Olan Mills stylebook.

when I ponder President Obama’s seduction of America, I think of the story of the snake and the duck.

This story is perhaps better known as the Scorpion and the Frog, but Selwyn’s brain is so big he can think up new animals on the spur of the moment and randomly plug them into fables.  For instance, The Boy Who Cried Wolf  becomes, in Selwyn’s hands, The Banana Slug Who Screamed Wildebeest.  You have to admit, this kind of refinement does make the moral of the story a lot more potent.

To be brief, the snake wants the duck to take him to the other side of a creek, but the duck is reluctant. He says, “But when we get there, you’ll bite me.” The snake is very persuasive, however, and convinces the duck he wouldn’t do such a thing. He just wants help and would have the utmost appreciation. Well, I think you know what happened upon concluding their little crossing. Bam! The snake bit the foolish bird, who then started stammering, “Bu-bu-bu-but you said . . . .” The snake just replied, “Hey, you knew what I was when you picked me up.” I suppose the duck just wanted to give the serpent a chance.

That certainly is what many want us to give Barack Obama.

The moral:  Never let the President of the United States ride on your back.

I could be snide and just say that I’ll give the president every bit the chance the left gave George Bush. With him they certainly did hiss, and spew venom, attacking him viciously and relentlessly for eight years starting with the oath of office. The man could do nothing right in their eyes, even when spending like any liberal Democrat, even when supporting amnesty for illegals, even when lavishing tax money on Africa, even when signing the prescription drug benefit.

Um, Selwyn?  I don’t want to be accused of trying to punch above my cerebral weight class, but those were all things Bush was attacked for from the right.  What you’ve got here is pretty much the entire list of Bush Administration policies the left actually supported.

But I won’t take that leaf out of the left’s book. I’m not a child and don’t play tit-for-tat.

“I’m a highly evolved life form with a prefrontal cortex no human skull can contain!”

Selwyn (age 13) with Mom and Dad, visiting the Kentucky Caverns.

If Obama is right about something, I’ll acknowledge it and just chalk it up to the inevitable twice-per-diem correctness of a broken clock. What I also won’t do, however, is “give Obama a chance.” I’ll explain why with a couple of analogies.

This should be good.

Imagine there is a businessman who manages a small fast-food restaurant in Illinois. His record is one of virtually always embracing the wrong policies and making bad decisions. Nevertheless, he is offered a position overseeing operations on a statewide level, wherein he once again pursues the same bad policies and makes the same bad decisions. Will you now propose making him the CEO of the company?

Well, if his name is George W. Bush, that’s what we always did in the past.

Or, let’s say there is a lawyer with a small practice, oh, as it happens, also in Illinois. He continually commits misfeasance but nevertheless is appointed state attorney general. He then continues to commit misfeasance. Will you next consider making him Attorney General of the United States? If not, why not? Sure, he never demonstrated competence in law before, but, come on, U.S. Attorney General is a different position. Give ‘im a chance.

It worked for Alberto Gonzalez.

Maybe even ducks get the point.

I think the ducks = us.  Which means we’d better start keeping up with his densely-reasoned thoughts, or Selwyn’s going to eat us with orange sauce.

Contrary to the Republican campaign mantra about Obama having no experience, quite the opposite was true. He had tremendous experience doing the wrong thing, more than enough to paint a picture of what kind of animal he might be.

This week, he’s a higher primate.

The picture may seem like a resplendent deity to followers or a repugnant demon to foes, but it existed. And if you didn’t see it, it wasn’t because Obama hadn’t done enough but because you didn’t know enough.

“Stupid duck brains.  Why do I even waste my time with you people?!”

In reality, Obama has had chance after chance after chance after chance, in the Illinois and U.S. senates and as a community agita . . . uh, I mean, organizer.

Historically, that joke works better if you wink.

Anyway, Selwyn goes on to pad out his column with a bunch of damning things you might not know about Obama, such as Black people seem to like him, but the National Right to Life Committee doesn’t, plus the usual lies and distortions (Obama supports sex education in kindergarten, etc.).

An editor may not know my feelings on blueberry cupcakes or Allen wrenches, but, if he scours my work, he will find enough relevant information to know whether or not I’m suited to his publication.

Sadly, The Journal of Torque Tools and Muffins still turned down Selwyn’s unsolicited poetry.

Likewise, those of us with ears to hear and eyes to see know what Obama is. We’re not ducks.

Because ducks are blind and deaf.  Wait…I thought we were ducks.  So we’re the snake now?  Or the blueberry cupcakes…

Of course, to some, the give-’im-a-chance plea is a ploy, a political artifice used by snakes to silence critics. But these folks really aren’t all that interesting. The ducks are more so, as what often drives them is man’s lamentable propensity for rationalization.

Okay, I think I’ve got it:  We — the ones who want to give Obama a chance — are the snakes, but Selwyn’s readers are the ducks.  Except we don’t really want to give Obama a chance, we’re just saying that so that RenewAmerica’s audience will give us piggyback rides, and then we can inject them with a paralyzing venom and we all drown.

Whatever the ducks’ motivation, what they essentially suggest is comical. To wit: “A doctor who committed malpractice when operating on your toe, hand, leg and stomach should be allowed to operate on your brain because, by gum, he hasn’t had a chance to work above the neck yet.”

This is why I specifically told my HMO that I no longer wanted waterfowl selecting my primary care physician.

Well, what can I say?

Something about mallards, I’m guessing.

The issue is not that Obama isn’t being given a chance; it’s that he has been given too many. But this is a persistent problem in our nation; in fact, we live in a second-chance society. Children are given too many chances to misbehave. Miscreants are given too many chances to commit crime. And, worst of all, the ducks are given too many chances to vote.

And the end result is that America just may have run out of chances.

And now that ducks have the franchise, let’s just hope we don’t also run out of fish eggs and submerged pond weed, or we’re likely to see a severe backlash at the polls.

Wingnuts | 46 Comments »

The votes are in, and 9 out of 10 fetuses prefer defrocked Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to President Barack Obama, according to RenewAmerica.  In his weekly column, Reverend Michael Bresciani, who speaks fluent blastocyte, randomly samples a series of wombs, and reports that while Obama remains popular among America’s post-born youth, he enjoys far less support from members of the intrauterine electorate.

Barack Obama will finish his term of office in only four years if he is re-elected he will have four more years.

And if we don’t find that missing comma, we may never be rid of him.

No child born here in the U.S. or abroad will reach voting age before he finishes his term of office. Those aborted will never so much as hear who is running for office.

Which is a shame, because most fetuses — at least the ones I know — are obnoxious political junkies who’ll kick their mother’s insides black and blue until she turns on C-SPAN and presses her distended belly up against the screen.

We don’t need to ask the pro-choice crowd what they think of Obama’s first act as President and we can’t ask the aborted babies. If we could reach out to some place where their voices could be heard what would they say?

They’d probably sound all gargly-voiced like those singing mermaids in the It’s A Small World ride.  But since we can’t stick a boom mic up a pregnant woman’s birth canal and not get arrested, we’ll have to rely upon Mr. Bresciani’s mastery of the placental telegraph.  But before we follow him through the cervix, perhaps we should take a moment to vet the Reverend’s bona fides.  According to his RenewAmerica biography:

“Rev. Michael Bresciani is a Christian author and a columnist for several online sites and magazines. His articles are now read in every country in the world.”

Even the tiny Republic of Togo.  Anyway, back to polling the polliwogs…

On the question of Rod Blagojevich being ousted as Governor of Illinois for allegedly trying to sell Obama’s vacant senate seat I’m sure they could care less.

Apathetic Zygotes.  Today on Oprah.

As for President Bush they may say they are thankful for the ban he provided so no U.S. taxpayers had to foot the bill for their murders.

Murder should be privately funded, ideally by faith-based charitable organizations.  (It’s been my experience that fetuses are easily seduced by the novels of Ayn Rand, but most of them outgrow Objectivism by the time they’re crowning.)

They might also ask him why he hadn’t noticed that in his search for weapons of mass destruction he didn’t look a little closer to home. Roe v. Wade is the single greatest weapon of mass destruction to come along since the creation of atomic weapons. It has resulted in almost fifty times more loss of life than laid on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in WW II. They might add that “these are American lives not the lives of our enemies” as if we didn’t know that.

Fetuses are cute, but they can be real assholes with that whole “I told you so” attitude.

Can the deceased or aborted of one generation actually rise up and witness or testify against those of another generation? Let’s see.

This is a good time to mention Rev. Bresciani’s new book, Zombie Zygotes: How They Can Spice Up Your Next Revival Meeting.

It may be above Barack Obama’s pay grade to answer the question of when human life actually begins but is not above his pay grade to answer when it should end.

I’d say at least three paragraphs ago.

This is my answer and my pay grade is zero. I get nothing for writing these articles and I am still overpaid

No argument here, Reverend.

…because I have the pleasure of believing that my voice in some small way is the voice of the unborn children of this generation.

He’s the Kanye West of Protoplasm.

My answer is; life begins at the beginning. Every second thereafter it is a new life, a human being, already living and developing and crying out for only what we already have; a chance for “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

The Supreme Court has ruled that miscarriages are unconstitutional.

The last time I mustered the nerve to view an actual abortion video what I saw was mangled body parts and what seemed like rivers of blood.

I can’t help wondering what else is in this guy’s Netflix queue.

While I could not say for sure just what the voices of destroyed infants are saying I am sure that what I saw was real human blood. Innocent blood!

Of course, at times and in places where abortion is neither safe nor legal, you’ll also see rivers of blood.  But it’s guilty blood, so it shouldn’t put you off your popcorn.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write letters of apology on behalf of America to every country in the world.

Wingnuts | 24 Comments »