• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!

  •  

     

    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

Before we begin, I have a question for any lawyers out there:  If Michael Medved is a paid lobbyist for the Almighty, is he required to register with the Justice Department under the Foreign Agents Registration Act (FARA)?  One can argue that as America is God’s favorite country, He’s obviously based in the U.S., but then a lot of ostensibly American corporations are actually headquartered in a post office box on Grand Cayman.  Additionally — and this is a problem you run into with many multi-nationals — God is omnipresent, so even if the bulk of His grace is shed domestically, for tax purposes He may be chartered in Macao or Ur.  Anyway, Michael’s mustache is practically leaping off his face with pious rage:

medven41509.jpg

On Easter Sunday, President Obama successfully concluded his long search for a new White House dog but made no progress in his simultaneous quest for a new church for his family.

Could the contrasting status regarding the First Family’s two most publicized private decisions indicate that the President actually cares more about canine companionship than religious commitment?

Doesn’t he know that a god is a man’s best friend?

While the Obama girls welcomed Bo, the pure-bred and specially trained six-month-old Portuguese Water Dog, the Obamas attended Easter services at St. John’s Episcopal Church – the 200-year-old “Church of Presidents” across the street from the White House. Presidential staffers, however, indicated that the First Family hadn’t even come close to a final decision on a new spiritual home, after their mid-campaign repudiation of the long-time Chicago church where they worshipped with the bombastic, America-loathing pastor, Jeremiah Wright.

As a partisan chew toy, Jeremiah Wright has lost his savor, so you can understand why Medved is standing in the foyer, quivering and peeing with excitement like a miniature poodle, waiting for the Obamas to reach into that Petco bag and pull out a new Rawhide Reverend.

Amazingly, their Easter visit to St. John’s represented their first participation in Christian services since the inauguration – a period of nearly twelve weeks.

Let’s see, inaugurated in January, goes to church at Easter.  Next visit should be Christmas…Yep, seems like he’s on the same schedule as most Americans.

The White House press office noted that the President had spent several weekends at Camp David, and that the Presidential retreat contained a private chapel, so that he might have worshipped there privately with unannounced clerical visitors. In actuality, anyone who has noticed Mr. Obama’s eagerness to tout his own Christian credentials would doubt that any such service would have been conducted without publicity.

I don’t mean to inject Zen into an already roiling bouillabaisse of religion, but here’s a koan that’s always puzzled me:  If you go into a chapel (or closet) to pray, and Michael Medved doesn’t see it, does God hear you?

Actually, I think Michael is being just a trifle unfair.  It’s true that President Obama has veered sharply from a number of his predecessor’s policies, but he deserves credit for following Bush’s example in at least one area:  [from Beliefnet]

I think it’s perfectly relevant and fair to ask why a man [George W.  Bush] with such firm convictions about the power of religious congregations doesn’t belong to a congregation himself, though he may drop in on services at places like St. John’s Episcopal Church (near the White House) from time to time.

Why doesn’t he? Among the reasons I’ve been given is that the security precautions would be too onerous. This, it should be noted, is the exact same excuse Ronald Reagan proffered for not attending church at all during his time in Washington. And I’d almost buy it, if not for the fact that for several years in the late 1990s, I attended Foundry Methodist Church when the Clintons were members there and found that it took all of an extra five seconds to pass through the metal detectors and enter the church. Parishioners were not outnumbered by tourists (and, in any case, we were happy that they were in church, no matter what the reason) and the Clintons played an active role in the life of the church, with Chelsea particularly involved in the choir and youth group while she was still in town.

I’m sure that over the past eight years, Michael wrote many hectoring columns taking Bush to task for his desultory church attendance, but I don’t seem to be able to locate them at this exact moment.  Tell ya what, I’ll try to find ya some, and I’ll bring ‘em to ya.

The President even made a point of grabbing press attention for his attendance at an impromptu “White House Seder” in which he celebrated Passover with some Jewish members of his staff. The absence of rabbis or religious scholars demonstrates the relative unimportance attached to this “ecumenical” event by the Obama team; if the President had desired a more substantive learning and sharing experience for Passover, he might have included any number of luminaries, Jewish and Christian, rather than limiting the experience to White House insiders like Valerie Jarrett and David Axelrod.

You’ve never had seder till you’ve had it at James Dobson’s house.  He serves a mayonnaise chremslach that’ll make you plotz.  By the way, if Michael booked Rick Warren, but the pastor backed out at the last moment due to exhaustion, would Michael cancel his own seder?  (“We’ve got the matzoh, the maror, and the zeroah, but where’s the celebrity Christian?!  I mean, what’s the point…“)

So let’s see if I’m following the crazy logic train: Obama hasn’t joined a church after 12 weeks in office, which is worse than Bush failing to join one in eight years because unlike Obama, Bush never talked about his faith or pretended to be religious.  And it’s unlikely that Obama ever worshipped in private at Camp David because he never walked out of the chapel and issued a press release, but when he sat down for the first Presidential seder in the White House, reporters considered that somehow newsworthy enough to mention.

In any event, the President has every right to continue to take his time in finding a new church…

“And I have every right to continue chewing on his pantleg like a rabid Bichon Frise.”

…but his delay seems to contradict his self-description as a “devout Christian” in his books, speeches, and interviews (including the adoring Newsweek cover story, “The Faith of Barack Obama”). Spending the first three months of a presidency without attending church is hardly an indication of bad character, but it is a reflection (at the very least) of a lack of conventional piety.  [...]

Many religious believers have begun to turn away from politics in disgust, in part because of the suspicion that candidates of all ideological orientations manipulate religious symbols and organizations for their own benefit. In this regard, Ronald Reagan represents the rarest sort of high office-holder – a President whose private, personal faith commitment and Biblical engagement was actually far more intense and significant than the public assumed during his presidency.

So let’s review:  claiming to be a Christian yet not going to church makes you a hypocrite, unless you’re Ronald Reagan, in which case it makes you an unsung saint.  In fact, I bet John Paul II canonized the Gipper in a clandestine ceremony in one of those ornate, secret rooms in the Vatican where they keep Jesus and Mary Magdalene’s wedding frescoes.

33 Responses to “Free Roaming Mustache Abandons Gay Porn To Join Catholic Inquisition”

It’s been a while since I read anything by Medved. So…still a dumbass, huh?
That’s almost reassuring.

Aside from all the church-ladyish hectoring (my own mother, bless her, didn’t bitch at me this much when I stopped attending church), it’s just another case of heads-I-win-tails-you-lose. Regular churchgoer, irregular churchgoer, privately religious or ostentatiously religious, none of it makes a fucking bit of difference either way to choads like Medved, because his “mind” is made up in advance. Dick.

Excellent. I’m sure I plotzed several times, or would be if I knew what that meant.

Rather than trek down any of the myriad paths available here, all of them leading, like some harmonic convergence or ecumenical dream come true, to the realization that Michael Medved is an asshole of Cosmic proportions, may I just express my fervent hope that the Right keeps this sort of shit up indefinitely?

Also.

Well done, sir, well done. As in, thanks to you, Mr. Medved is. To a turn, in fact.

“In this regard, Ronald Reagan represents the rarest sort of high office-holder – a President whose private, personal faith commitment and Biblical engagement was actually far more intense and significant than the public assumed during his presidency.”

Um.

‘Scuse me.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Scott, honey, if I ever get out Cali way, would you mind driving the getaway car after I achieve my 27-year-old dream of pissing on Ray-Gun’s grave? I have a feeling that I’ll be making a long run into a short slide right through the window, and then you’ll have to peel out.

Y’ever notice that the cockbites didn’t start digging that motherfucker up UNTIL DUMBYA’S CLUSTERFUCKS WERE FINALLY REVEALED FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE?!?!??! He shat all over the republicunt brand-name, so they had to resurrect the freshly-dead Ronnie Ray-Gun.

Pah. Theh. Tick.

Have these motherfuckers EVER had an original idea? Seriously.

And, um, I fucking remember the Reagan years, and they were NOT the gilt, gossamer “Leave It To Beaver” pseudo-”perfection,” Stepford-flavored, Sandra Dee world that these Reagan-worshiping morons claim that they were. Wasn’t ’til after Reagan & Bush Sr. destroyed the unions that I learned what food stamps were.

And yes, I’m dead fucking serious about pissing on his grave. I was in 5th grade when he got his token “shot,” and was gravely disappointed that THAT didn’t do it. Got in a shitload of trouble for dancing when the school secretary announced in the gravest of tones, “Our President… has been… SHOT!”

Pulled us off of the buses and everything for that shit, and the moron barely WINGED ‘im! Can’t stand anybody who does a job half-assed.

So there I was, doing my original version of the wicked vicious monkey-dance of righteous retribution and viral monkey-love, out in the gravel next to the buses, and got YANKED into the principal’s office.

And yeah, it was worth it.

I was supposed to feel “guilty,” but somehow, it never took.

The Reagans were such staunch Christians that Nancy consulted astrologers to confirm the teachings of Christ. or something

Can’t stand anybody who does a job half-assed.

AMEN to that! Third-rate actor, second-rate snitch, second-rate politician. Never DID figure out what anyone saw in him…

I’m beginning to suspect this is all a right-wing plot to get our heads to explode by trying to figure out their logic.

Oh, and Medved, who is all up in Scriptures and shit, seems to have missed Matthew 6:6 – http://bible.cc/matthew/6-6.htm

I’ve said this over and over again about Medved, but I still just don’t get it. Isn’t he, supposedly an observant, deeply religious conservative Jew? As in president of his Congregation? Why does he care about Easter and who does or does not attend Easter services?

And why does he spend so much time hanging out with people who explicitly believe that he will spend all eternity screaming in unbearable agony in Hell, and moreover, that he deserves to, precisely because he is a Jew (or to be more accurately, not a Christian of the exact right type)?

Among the reasons I’ve been given must be French for things I’ve pulled outta my ass.

And double-extra point for a Zen reference, Scott!

As a public service, I would like to take the opportunity, so delightfully created by Doghouse Riley, to elucidate the meaning of “plotz,” which Scott used correctly. It means to burst, explode, or fall over from excitement or surprise. It doesn’t mean that other thing other people think it means, something scatological.

Hooray for this post. Nothing funnier than Michael Medved, except Scott’s parsing/takedown of him.

Could the contrasting status regarding the First Family’s two most publicized private decisions indicate that the President actually cares more about canine companionship than religious commitment?

Apparently Medved doesn’t have kids.

I’m sure Sasha and Malia have spent the last six months going, “Can we have a church, huh? When can we have a church? I want to pick out a church nnnnnnnnnnnnow! Where’s my church? When will I see my church? When can I play with my church?”

By the way, if Michael booked Rick Warren, but the pastor backed out at the last moment due to exhaustion, would Michael cancel his own seder?

That would be Prophet Elijah Warren?

Excellent. I’m sure I plotzed several times, or would be if I knew what that meant.

Oh. Plotz.

That’s when you get a bissel tsouris but then you get all farblondzhet and start to kvetch until you drive the mispachas meshugeneh and they have to shlep you to the yutzi shul, and OY! but then you get the shpilkes and next thing you know, you plotzed!

Meh. Not bad for a goyim from Neocon York, eh?

Annti, my checkbook says I’m not a wealthy person, but I would cheerfully part with cash to attend your Peeing on Regan’s Grave Party, and twice the amount if I were permitted to participate.

actor212 –

Not bad. But you have at least a slight advantage over most, being (as I am) from NY, where some form of Yiddish/Hebrew is absorbed by osmosis.

And I am really disappointed that you couldn’t work “verklempt” in there somewhere.

Ack! I’m so verklempft I left verklempft out of that fershlugginer post!

“fershlugginer”?

I haven’t seen that since Mad Magazine (right up there with “potzrebie” (sp?)).

Don’t tell me you’re part of “the usual gang of idiots”! ;-)

JoeBuddha, honey, the “doing a job half-assed” ref was for HINKLEY. Imagine if he’d made the shot COUNT. Granted, Poppy Bush would’ve been able to institute his “New World Order” a lot faster & farther, but somebody would’ve shot his ass too, one would hope, before he cocked it ALL up. Oohhhhhh, a girl can dream, can’t she?

Toni, honey, as long as your desire to join in the “re-christening” of Ronnie Ray-Gun’s grave is motivated by anything OTHER than a golden-shower fetish, you are more than welcome to join the convoy. I get the feeling that if I ever DO get to go out to Cali, that friends will be following close behind, to help me achieve my goal and then some… heh heh heh…

And hey, very educational comments! I always thought that it was spelled, at least phonetically, like this: “meh-shugg-en-nah”!

I’ve always wondered how “potrzebie” is pronounced. AND what it means. In that order.

Wouldn’t it be great if some of the original Usual Gang of Idiots could somehow be magically unleashed on Medved? I don’t claim it would be funnier than Scott, but it WOULD have visuals! Text by Kurtzman, and art by Wallace Wood, perhaps.

Long ago, Wood created a conception of the true appearance of The Shadow (aka Lamont Skeedeeboomboom) when he was not Clouding Men’s Minds, that could easily have been adapted to Medved’s piquant, uh, qualities. About 3-foot-2, gigantic buck teeth bared in a self-satisfied leer, flies buzzing around his head… perfect.

Except that the poor flies would puke if they got too close to Medved.
Then he would scrape the remnants of the puke off his face, slap it on a piece of paper, and call it his new column. Only people would notice the improvement in quality. Imediately.

Bill, honey, that HAS to be THE most poetic thing ever written about that flamer Medved… he is SO undeserving.

And if he’s a heterosexual, then I’m an anorexic supermodel astronaut. BTW, he’s about as much of a “journalist” or a “columnist” as I am an anorexic, a supermodel, OR an astronaut. HE REVIEWED FUCKING MOVIES.

That’s it.

That’s all he’s got.

And yet some moron thought that his hyper-catholicism “qualified” him to “write” a column.

Well, fuck, where is Hearst Media with MY fucking contract?!?!?!?

He wasn’t even that good as a movie critic. I remember that show he did with Jeffrey Lyons.
There’s a fuckin’ brain trust. Like listening to your two maiden aunts discuss cinema.

You got something against “maiden” (shaddup!) aunts?

My apologies. I was thinking of my fathers crazy old bat of a sister who stayed with our family (briefly) when my grandmother passed away. Whenever my parents went out, she’d say awful things, usually about my mom. One night I got a tape recorder and recorded one of her rants, and played it back for my parents.
She didn’t stay with us much longer afterward.

Don’t tell me you’re part of “the usual gang of idiots”!

I went to school with Feldstein’s kids.

“meh-shugg-en-nah”

That’s the female of the species (wondering if anyone will get that allusion).

Potrzebie is an actual word, by the way, but it’s not Yiddish, it’s Polish and I don’t speak Polish. According to the editors at Mad, it means the same thing as fershlugginer, only much much different.

You got something against “maiden” (shaddup!) aunts?

Not if they’re two-year olds running at Santa Anita.

I didn’t mean to offend Annti. My Aunt Elsie was…well, not quite all there. She seemed to get worse after my Grandmother died-or maybe I was just finaly old enough to notice. (I was 14 when she began staying with us).
She was repressed, judgemental, paranoid biddy who was given to pearl cluitching over some pretty silly things. Example: there was a local health club that used to advertise with a jingle that contained the hook, “I want your body!”
Stuff like that would set her off.
Since my mother was divorced from her third husband and had four kids when she met my dad, Elsie wasn’t particularly nice to her-and would insinuate things when my folks were out. Basically telling her nephews (ages 14, 13 and 11) that their mother was a tramp. She also treated my older sister like an unwelcome intruder.
I SHOULD point out she was also nuts-she’d say crazy, paranoid things that didn’t make a whole lot of sense from time to time. She no friends, no social life, and lived with her mother on into her ’60′s.
I can’t imagine why someone like that would remind me of Medved.

No offense taken, dear, I’ve been under the covers trying to hide from the snot-monsters that have infected my sinuses & lungs. That’s all.

And maybe she was Medved’s real mother, but she could never admit to it, because then she wouldn’t be able to point the finger at everybody else.

I know you keed, but, please, no. That would make him my (much older) cousin. Yeccch.

Sorry. But hey, wouldn’t it be nice if Medved’s mother WAS dead (if she isn’t) and if he had slain himself in a frantic mourning fit?

I can put a silver lining on damned near anything except a rim job.

Something to say?