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Archive for the 'Waaah!' Category


Posted by scott on June 18th, 2010

Back toward the end of May we had the honor of meeting Bruce Walker, who you may remember as the author of Sinisterism: Secular Religion of the Lie, a tome which “has been ranked among the most essential books of our times” by three readers on Amazon. Well, Bruce has just discovered a group of people he hates even more than “feminist cleaning ladies”…

Lawyers, like community organizers, argue — and Obama is both lawyer and community organizer. These professional advocates view the folks who really do things in life — oilmen, farmers, drug manufacturers, retailers, and such — as the cause of our problems. Lawsuits, agitation, regulation, and other sorts of constrictive and punitive actions are the solution proposed by people like Barack Obama, Esq.

This proposal of regulations to constrict and penalize the oil industry, our hormone farmers, and our purveyors of fine narcotics threatens to tarnish our silver spoons and take the gilt off our Age!

The Democratic Party is increasingly The Lawyers’ Party. Not only are Barack and Michelle lawyers, but Harry and Nancy are too, as are many other Democrat leaders. Democrats, led by Barack, are approaching the oil spill as if an Esquire, an attorney representing a client.

Some people might argue that it’s not entirely inappropriate for the President to approach BP as though representing a client — in this case, the interests of American citizens whose homes and livelihoods have been harmed or destroyed, but those people are probably lawyers. In reality, of course, Obama should approach the corporation as a duck, represented by the oboe.

British Petroleum, viewed through the prism of The Lawyers’ Party, is a rogue corporation whose sin is putting profit above the public interest. But, of course, this is nonsense.

Why, BP has been “rated by professional reviewers from three continents as among the essential corporations for our time.”

BP is intensely concerned with how the public perceives it. BP spent hundreds of millions of dollars in advertising to convince the public that it cares about the environment. The heart of its ad campaign is that BP means “Beyond Petroleum.”

Exactly. Obama and his lawyerly ilk are talking as if there were a fundamental difference public relations and the public good. BP spent millions to convince you it cares! You can’t buy that kind of sincerity.

Aside from the loss of oil in the Gulf, aside from liability issues for BP, the corporation has just lost all the time and money invested in consumer goodwill as a “green” energy producer.

Sure, the Gulf fisheries are dead for a generation or more, but BP has lost — perhaps forever — some of the nation’s most beautiful and pristine advertising expenses!

Corporate executives in general are viewed by Barack Obama, Esq. as mercenary plunderers of American society.

Yep, Obama’s got some nutty ideas all right. On the other hand, Mercenary Plunderers of American Society is one of my favorite serials, just behind Lass of the Lumberlands, Radar Patrol Vs. Spy King, and Commando Cody: Sky Marshal of the Universe.

Their ability to successfully organize private resources to make companies productive and profitable is just another trick of the rich exploiting the poor. This is silly; free competition punishes businesses which harbor motives other than efficiency. This reality seems to elude Obama and his pals.

Obama is taking it upon himself to punish a business that was too efficient in its cost cutting, and that’s blasphemy! For according to the Good Book (The Wealth of Nations), “Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Invisible Hand.”

But whatever the leader of the Lawyers’ Party’s illusions about the rough-and-tumble world of big business, he even less understands the work of those who heal us. Physicians, according to Barack Obama, Esq., perform unnecessary amputations or tonsillectomies just for the fee.

Which is a load of crap, because my doctor unnecessarily extracted my uvula just for the thrill! (Of course, the only approved primary care physician in my PPO network was Dr. Giggles.)

Just as he cannot view the free market as a self-correcting mechanism, Obama cannot see doctors as people, like public interest lawyers and such, who actively seek to do good in the world.

Unlike you and me, Obama sees doctors as a series of Ones and Zeroes…

Instead, Barack Obama, Esq. views all producers in our economy as avaricious, roaming vandals.

Except for actual vandals, which he views as businessmen.

Then he and his party can perform the only service which politicians, lawyers, and community organizers can provide: punitive taxation, draconian regulation, huge lawsuits, and screeching condemnations.

Well, give the public what they want, and they’ll beat a path to your door.

Most problems we face really do not require more laws, more lawsuits, and more taxes.

“More American Thinker columns” is usually the answer to an environmental catastrophe.

The executives at BP, like your family doctor, understand how to actually do stuff, like extract and refine oil or diagnose and cure ailments.

And when your doctor hits an artery, and blood gushes at an alarming rate from your body, your GP — like BP — knows how to low-ball the blood flow estimate.

These producers make all the good things in life which we desire and consume. What about the harpies who assume bad motives in every unfortunate situation? What good do they really do for us?


“I know! It’s like you harpies want to hamstring the free market!”

The constant frothing of moral indignation as the tonic for every difficulty we face becomes, over time, simply tired sloganeering by people who cannot do anything but blame others.

Gran Moff Tarkin had to put up with a lot of this same sort of carping, when people incessantly complained that the post-Death Star Alderaan was “a little on the gritty side.”

Dr. Farah’s Snake Oil Liniment

Posted by scott on October 26th, 2009

World Net Daily spent all last week trumpeting a story about how the Council on American-Islamic Relations planted Muslims on Capitol Hill, disguised as human interns.  This shocking fact was brought to the attention of the American people when Representatives John Shadegg (R-AZ), Paul Broun (R-GA) and Sue Myrick (R-NC) called a press conference to reveal the conspiracy, and to demand that the Sergeant-at-Arms develop a test to determine which, if any, House interns are secretly Cylons.  The distinguished members apparently discovered the plot while reading a new book entitled “Muslim Mafia,” published — in a bizarre coincidence — by World Net Daily.  The revelations must have come as a particularly nasty shock to Rep. Myrick, who wrote the Foreward to the book under the impression it was an exposé of organized crime and its traffic in fancy linens.


And given that WND has brought us tomes by Vox Day, Jerome Corsi, and those “Help, Mom! There’s [a racial/sexual minority] in my [alliterative storage unit]” books, there’s no question about the author’s veracity.  Really.  No question at all.


But when WND’s Congressional proxies were slow to follow up (it was a week before the glow of their panicky press conference wore off, and they remembered to actually go ahead and request that investigation they were calling for in front of the cameras), the story petered out, and Editor-in-Chief Joseph Farah was forced to leap on the Anita Dunn-Mao Zedong love affair.

What does it say about Barack Obama and his devout supporters that his White House communications director is a big fan of Mao Zedong?

Maybe it was a miscommunication (which I grant you, would be ironic) and she thought he was a porn star?  Sort of the Asian Long Dong Silver?  There’s a judicial precedent.

I know. I know. She said her two favorite philosophers were Mao and Mother Teresa. How’s that for moral and intellectual disconnect?

It’s almost like her mind can cope with two opposing viewpoints.  That way lies madness!

Did you ever think you would hear those two names mentioned in the same breath?

It’s almost as crazy as saying Adolph Hitler and Barack Obama without breathing in between.  Remember kids, the key to drawing an outrageous contrast is breath control — it’s like playing the clarinet.

Were there two people in the history of the world more opposite that Mother Teresa and Mao?

Felix and Oscar?

One devoted herself to saving lives. The other devoted himself to taking them.

Can they get along, without driving each other crazy?

Welcome to the strange world of Anita Dunn, Obama’s self-proclaimed media controller.


Anita Dunn, in undated file photo.

For those of you who missed her practically incoherent speech last June on this topic, I invite you to watch it, courtesy of Fox News Channel’s Glenn Beck.

Who has a Masters degree from Walla Walla College in Incoherent Speech Communications.

I want you to try to imagine what would happen to anyone who rose to the rank of White House communications director who suggested her favorite philosopher was Adolf Hitler.

Got the picture in your mind?  Good.  Now try to imagine it’s someone other than Karl Rove.

[K]eep in mind, when it comes to mass extermination of human beings, Mao makes Hitler look like a piker by comparison.

Mao is considered the greatest mass murderer of all time – killing between 70 million and 100 million people, mostly his own.

That’s why Hitler gets all the credit.  Say you were the highest scorer in the history of soccer, but they were all own-goals — you’d get a big fat asterisk next to your name in the record books, wouldn’t you?

Dunn insists now her speech was meant to be ironic.

And the right bloggers don’t do irony, because out of context remarks, taken literally, provide them with most of their material.  They do, however, have a firm grasp of heavy, schoolyard sarcasm.

Again, I leave it to you to judge whether a sense of “irony” would excuse a public official from making such a statement substituting the name Hitler for Mao.

Well, she didn’t, so to quote Crow T. Robot, “Don’t hurt yourself thinking about it!”

I can’t believe America is so fat, lazy, stupid and immoral that it could be conned by such a pathetic rank amateur.

…while Joe is barely getting by with his ads for electronic stomach toners, “secret” martial arts techniques, crisis seed banks, and home high colonic kits.  You know friends…Life was sure a whole lot simpler when you could just put opium, grain alcohol, or cocaine in the product.

I Just Hate You! And I Hate Your Ass Face!

Posted by scott on June 24th, 2009

Over at RedState, E Pluribus Unum is, true to his name, making out of many snits, one giant tizzy.


He starts off reasonably enough, using his inside voice…

By all means report the facts. I’m sure you’ll be happy to cover every salacious detail. Have at it. Be sure to cover the pain and suffering of Governor Sanford’s family. While you are at it, cover the depth to which all South Carolina and nation-wide Republicans and conservatives rightly feel betrayed.

But there’s only so much a Wolverine can take, and by the second paragraph he’s gone Full Color Font on us.

Beyond that, just shut up. Shut your lying, hypocritical, power-above-patriotism, hyper-partisan, two-faced, shamelessly double-standard bearing pie hole.

Then, he silences our juvenile tittering with a quotation from Patrick Henry’s eloquent “You’re Not the Boss of Me!” speech:

You don’t get to judge.

Look, pal, nobody over here is setting themselves up as an arbiter of the public morals.  This isn’t the Inquisition; it’s just a little schadenfreude.  Relax.

The Library of Congress could hardly contain chapter and verse of the multitudes of ways the press and the other Democrats have gotten away with judging Republicans by wholly different standards than that applied to Democrats. But that double standard is both obvious and as wide as the Grand Canyon. You show no honor, no equity, no fairness, and no scruples yourselves. You, to put it mildly, do not police your own.

I thought that’s what FoxNews was for.

We do. We’ll deal with Sanford.

A swift blow with an ice-axe to the back of the skull, then we start airbrushing him out of all the May Day photos!

We have standards (you don’t), and we have a long history of punishing and purging our leaders who prove unworthy of trust.

Remember John Ensign?  Rush Limbaugh?  David Vitter?  Larry Craig?  Ha!  Didn’t think so!  And don’t even try to find the bodies!

For your part, serial adulterer Bill Clinton remains a rock star as far as you are concerned, and that about sums up the standards to which Democrats hold themselves.

You seem confused, Mr. Unum.  Perhaps I can help…You see, if liberals say, for instance, that they consider marital infidelity a matter between husband and wife, rather than husband and House of Representatives, it would then be hypocritical to judge Clinton’s presidency largely on the basis of how well he cleaved unto his spouse.  But as a Congressman, Sanford voted to impeach President Clinton, and don’t we owe it to Republicans to judge them by their own declared standards?  Anything else would suggest we doubt their sincerity.

So, spare us your mock outrage, your tut-tutting, your finger-wagging, your eyebrows furrowed in anger.

I think you’re confusing us with one of Newt Gringrich’s ex-wives.  These are purely tears of joy.

If you are well and truly outraged by Mark Sanford’s adultery

On the contrary, I’m impressed by a guy who’ll travel over 5000 miles for a booty call.

…but could not trouble yourself to muster even a little mild disapproval against the cretin who wiped his feet with the honor of the office of President of the United States, then you are a hypocrite yourself of the lowest stripe. You are unworthy to judge.

Hey, I never claimed to be the umpire, Uma.  I’m just another bleacher bum enjoying our nation’s pastime.

So just shut up.

And with that, he called us “bastard people!” and ran home to bite his pillow.

The Weekly Double Standard

Posted by scott on May 1st, 2009

Michael Goldfarb, blogging at The Weekly Standard:

ABC runs a report showing the names and faces of two CIA contractors who may have had a role in the waterboarding of KSM and Abu Zubaydah. [...]
ABC’s conduct here, exposing two men who will now become obvious targets for terrorists and left-wing extremists, is deplorable. Will the Obama administration investigate who leaked their identities? Or is it now open-season on Americans who were only doing what their government asked of them in order to protect their country from attack?

If only Valerie Plame had been torturing prisoners, instead of working on nuclear non-proliferation issues, Rove and Cheney would have been horrified at the thought of outing her.

Why I Do Not Mourn The Death Of AM Top 40 Radio

Posted by scott on February 16th, 2009

In 1972, when we just had an AM radio in the car (and my mother was in charge of the dial), I heard every single hour of the day, every single time it rained.  It didn’t matter what station you were listening to, every DJ in the LA Basin had the same Pavlovian stimulus response to precipitation; it was inescapable.  And they were still doing it ten years later when I left California for New York.

The point is, it’s pouring like Hell today, if Hell was a place known primarily for its high yearly rainfall, and I’m blithely listening to my iPod.  Take that, Charlie Tuna, and The Real Don Steele!

My only hope is that at all those defunct AM music stations, the studios now occupied by blustering talk radio wingnuts continue to be haunted by the unexorcisable, ghostly echoes of Albert Hammond.

Moran Wraps Himself in The Moral Mantle Of Flynt

Posted by scott on February 12th, 2009

Just a quick update to our post below on Rick (“I prefer my actresses dead and busty”) Moran.  Over at Right Wing Nut House, Rick is back refapping–sorry, recapping 24, but he pauses to take note of our post, more in sorrow than in anger.  It seems that we missed the actual point of his disquisition on ruminant-hunting tits and the misuse of the word “lumpen” because Rick’s humor is too subtle.

Evidently, some poor schmucks on the left have the sense of humor of a potato and believe I am a hypocrite because I am a fat old man who disses the personal appearance of some of the cast members. In fact, as regular readers know, my descriptions are so over the top that they become a parody of themselves – sort of like Larry Flynt describing the late Jerry Falwell but without the gross sexual and bathroom references (no doubt since I didn’t include any scatological humor, the brainless twits didn’t recognize it as parody.)

Ah!  I see.  His words were a sly parody of a gaseous, self-satisfied misogynist who’s obnoxious enough to criticize — apropos of nothing in particular — the acting talent of a woman whose career was ended prematurely by murder, but still sensitive enough to praise her boobs.  It pains me to think of the many golden nuggets of implied humor I’ve missed when visiting Rick’s site in the past, so let’s take a moment now to appreciate the deft crafting of his multilayered japes:

Back at FBI headquarters, Hillinger is getting too nosy for our own good. The very first hour of the show it appeared he was involved in the plot when Janis caught him fooling around with the server. His explanation seemed plausible and we have hardly given him a thought since then. But the revelation that he is playing around on his wife with Miss Anorexia and his curiosity about the CIP module not being a threat anymore has us thinking once again – is he or isn’t he? Janis is oblivious to the possibility of Sean being the mole but knows that he’s fooling around with Miss Eating Disorder. We’ll see how that plays out as Miss Binge and Purge may play a key role in exposing Hillinger if he is the main mole at the FBI.

Well, I’m sure most of that went over my head, but I’d have to say this paragraph falls somewhere between the subtle wit of Anton Chekhov’s oeuvre, and the unintentional comedy of Pavel Chekov’s Monkees wig.

The scene in Lafayette Park with the confrontation between Larry and Jack over torture is one of the reasons I love the show. The series has always made a genuine effort to present realistic arguements for and against Jack’s tactics. And Renee, in this case, can be an “everyperson” character who is torn between necessity and her own personal morals. It’s an old dramatic device going back to the Greeks but it still works when done well.

Okay.  That was funny.

After handing over Gedge’s phone records, Larry is horrified to hear Jack ask about Vossler’s family. Bauer’s plan is to make Vossler think that they will hurt his family unless he tells them where Henry is. Jack makes it plain that he is disgusted with Larry for not seeing the truth – his truth – of the matter:

Jack: When are you people going to stop thinking that they are playing by your rules. They’re not!

He gives them a choice; either they can tell the president that their consciences wouldn’t allow them to rescue Henry or they will “do what is necessary” to get the job done. Reluctantly, Renee sees it Jack’s way but you can tell she is torn. She heads off to Vossler’s home where his wife and 11 month old child are about to receive a lesson in “asymetrical warfare” – Jack style.

Well, then.
Moist Towelette, anyone?

Letter From Birmingham Fail

Posted by scott on January 6th, 2009

I’ve been up since 5 A.M. with a cluster headache, and really wasn’t looking forward to combing the wingnut sites today, even assuming the medication kicks in.  So imagine my relief and joy upon opening up my email to find a scouting report from our old friend Bill S., who has taken the Search for America’s Next Top Wingnut to heart.  But I’ll let him tell you all about it himself.  Take it away, Bill! …

Recently, the folks at World O’Crap were asking if there were any new wingnuts on the landscape we should watch out for. I came across one on Jeremy Hooper’s website Good As You. It’s a letter from one L. Pat Williams that he received and decided to share. Armed with a patronizing attitude which he uses to defeat an army of strawman (in his defence, they are Super Ninja Strawmen), I think L. Pat is a Wingnut To Watch Out For. Now, if you’re familiar with the site Good As You, you probably know that, though he isn’t a pushover,  Jeremy is far too nice to people who don’t deserve it. I, on the other hand, adhere to rules for niceness and after reading this rambling bit of jaw-dropping idiocy, I feel it’s time…to not be nice.


The “Rainbow” Community does more HARM  to itself rather than HELPING its beleagured, so-called “freedom fighter” cause!
Let me give you some pointers than can help you out:

As long as they’re not pointers in English Comp., go ahead.

*Stop using the PLIGHT OF OTHERS (blacks, women, latinos, asians, disabled americans, at-risk-children, children in Cambodia, Nelson Mandela, etc.) OK…I’m being facetious after “disabled americans” :-)

I think the word he meant to write was “fatuous”.

EXAMPLE: BLACKS DID NOT RELY ON ANY OTHER “suffering group” TO GAIN SUPPORT FOR THEMSELVES AS A “suffering group” OR “Woe is me Black…” But, “Have mercy on me Black…because you Had Mercy on them (Whoever)”

I want everyone to know that I did not, in any way, edit the above paragraph. That’s exactly what he wrote. I have no idea what he’s on about. I don’t remember any “Woe is me” vibe coming from ACT UP, and I’m fairly certain that nobody involved in the Stonewall riot was screaming “Have mercy on us” to the cops.


Well, we certainly wouldn’t want to alienate those plights and struggles any furthers.

[Now, now...I know you THINK the GAY PLIGHT is the SAME as THE BLACK PLIGHT...BUT]

I do? You can read my mind? Guess what I’m thinking right now.

No one is stopping GAYS  from getting JOBS! Arguably, some of the MOST WEALTHIEST INDIVIDUALS  in the U.S. and in the WORLD that sit atop Corporations, Congess, Media, Hollywood, Music and Fashion Industries are: HOMOSEXUAL!

Really? The most wealthiest individuals sitting atop Congress in the U.S. and in the world are gay? I did not know that. But it’s good to know that gay people can find success in such non-competitive fields as performing arts and fashion. If I just learn to act, sing, dance or sew, I can quit my shitty job at a grocery store and become a millionaire!

On a related note, some of the wealthiest athletes are African American, and some of the most successful models are female. So if all blacks just learn to play basketball, and all women just slim down to 90 pounds, they’ll never have to struggle to pay their bills.

No one is stopping GAYS from VOTING!

Perhaps not, but they are killed in a variety of gruesome ways (Short list: Matthew Shepard, Brandon Teena, Rebecca Wight, Paul Brussard, Allan Shindler, Saskia Gunn, Scotty Joe Weaver, Barry Winchell…i could go on. Unfortunately.)

No one is Stopping GAYS from GETTING AN EDUCATION!

Except for people pushing abstinance-only sex ed., which ignores LGBT people entirely, thus depriving them of information that could save their lives.

I am sure Gays feel that their issue is IMPORTANT, but in light of the OPPRESSION  of BLACKS, JEWS, and WOMEN you guys gotta GROW UP, GET REAL and GAIN SOME INSIGHT…

Well, how’s this: until 1962, gay sex was a felony in all 50 states, and in some of them the penalty was life in prison. It’s taken 40 years for some of those laws to finally be repealed or invalidated. Try and guess why it’s taken so long, jackass.

I mean so what??? If my own mother and father don’t like who I make love to, spend time with, make babies with (well, you guys can’t quite do that…but that’s another discussion) OH WELL! TOUGH COOKIES! They’ll get over it and if they never get over it…Again SO WHAT?

And if they decide to try and “cure” you by shipping you off to some rehab facity run by a quack who takes a peculiar interest in the type of underwear you own, so what? And if they kick you out and cut off all communication with you and refuse to acknowlege your relationship with your partner, so what? And if, after years of estrangement, you happen to become critically ill and they suddenly show up and make medical decisions that override your wishes because your partner isn’t regarded as a legal spouse, so what? And if you pass away and they kick your partner out of the home you shared because your name’s on the lease, again, SO WHAT?

It’s like really you guys would be MOST surprised to KNOW  that HETEROSEXUALS donn’t CARE WHO YOU DO! But, we we DO CARE ABOUT is YES…Just because you guys “feel” what you do is “NORMAL” doesn’t mean YOU SHOULD FORCE OTHERS  to “feel” THE SAME WAY about what you DO.


We uppity homos just don’t know our place!

[my grandma used to tell us as kids: "Watch a person who needs a CROWD to JOIN IN and HELP THEM DO what they want to do...It's a SURE SIGN something is "WRONG" with what their doing..."

Granted, she was talking about all those "negroes" who were marching on Washington in '63, but it's a valid point nonetheless.

She also said (God Rest Her Soul)"...When you KNOW in YOUR HEART  you are DOING THE RIGHT THING you CAN STAND IN IT and STAND ON IT ALONE!"]

Then she went to our door and called out her her old dog Sheba. We didn’t have the heart to remind her he’d been dead for 10 years.

Which brings me to my next few points:

There’s MORE? Oh dear God, no…

*Show why those who practice Homosexuality are NOT in ERROR, are NOT mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically disturbed.

Well, there is the fact that the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, and the American Medical Association all agree it’s not a disorder. There’s about 50-60 years worth of studies that bear this out.

NOTE: But, you see that’s kind of hard to do, when such a community is so SEXUALLY-DRIVEN, SEXUALLY CHARGED, and everything seems to REVOLVE and EVOLVE around SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, and…wait a minute…EVEN MORE SEX!
I did some research…

Oh, I’m sure you have. Doors locked. Shades drawn. I hope..

I noticed that in the Rainbow Community (from selling shoes to booze, toes to nose, hat to cat, shirt to skirt, jacket to racket, food to lewd) is ultra drenched in the SELLING OF SEX.

Yeah. I mean, check out the ad (below the fold) that ran in The Advocate. The American Famly Association launched a protest, and why wouldn’t they? It’s absolutely SHOCKING!


Pride Of The Wankees

Posted by scott on December 16th, 2008


Dennis Prager can sympathize with the happiness and pride that certain minority types have been displaying in the wake of Barack Obama’s historic election as President of the United States, but he also feels that enough’s enough.

Gay Pride. Jewish Pride. Black pride. Hispanic Pride.

Empty rhetoric.  Buzzwords.  Not a single one of them provides society with any tangible benefits, the way Pilgrim’s Pride provides us with the bolder, more exciting flavors of their new WingSations.


Ethnic pride. Minority rights vs. tyranny of the majority.

For a generation, America has been awash in the celebration of minorities and minorities celebration of themselves. Just recall Black is Beautiful or I am a woman, I am invincible.

Dennis is being name-raped and oppressed by imperfectly remembered lyrics from a 36-year old pop song, and his very soul cries out for justice!

At the same time, the majority group in America — white Christians — has been allowed to celebrate very little. Rather, they have constantly been reminded of what they should be ashamed of — their racism, sexism, homophobia, patriarchy, and xenophobia — real and alleged.

It’s hard out there for a wimp.

But what about minority shame?

You homos and differently-hued people have had your fun.  Now it’s time for you to taste the humiliation, impotence and bitter self-loathing that White Christians have had to struggle to overcome for the past 6 weeks.

Why does one almost never hear expressions of group shame from members of any American group other than white Christians (specifically, white Christian male heterosexuals)?

I don’t think I can stand one more weepy, tortured mea culpa from Dick Cheney without my heart breaking.  I hear he’s come down with bulemia, and started cutting himself…

Are the only evildoers in America white male heterosexual Christians? Is there something inherently wrong about members of minorities expressing anything but group pride? Are there no minority sins worthy of shame?

Are there no prisons?  No work-houses?  I say it is a humbug, sir!

For a generation, college students have been taught that it is impossible for blacks to be racist because only the racial group in power, i.e. whites, can express racism.

Express.  Enforce.  What’s the difference?

If only the majority group is expected to express shame, then only the majority group is expected to be governed by rules of morality. It is, ironically, the highest moral compliment to Americas white Christians that they are the only American group of whom expressions of shame are expected. It means more is morally expected of them than of anyone else.

White People.  Nature’s Noblemen.


“See?  You can be totally gangsta, and still provide the moral backbone of a civilized society.  I hope you black kids are watching…”

Expressing group shame when morally necessary is not airing dirty linen or giving solace to ones ideological enemies. It is, rather, one of the highest expressions of moral development. And it is therefore universally applicable. Being a minority doesnt exempt its members from moral responsibility. It will be a great day for America and the world when minorities begin to express shame as well as pride. In fact, there is real pride in expressing shame. Minorities should give it a try.

But remember, too much of a good thing can be bad, so start slow.  Maybe we could all feel the Shame in shifts.  For instance, White Christians could be ashamed about slavery, and the genocide of the Native American population, and monopolizing opportunity, and exploiting minorities while controlling all the wealth, and the media and the government, till about sixish.  Then Black people could punch in, and feel bad about yanking down their pants so we can see their underwear, while White people pull the Pride shift.

And the great thing is, just as African-American pride has stirring anthems such as “We Shall Overcome” and “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” White Pride comes with its own soundtrack, too!


If Only McCain Had Gone Negative! Damn His Nobility!

Posted by scott on November 10th, 2008

Conservatives continue to astonish America with their highly variegated responses to Obama’s victory.  Erick (the Red Vine) Erickson is calling for an intra-Movement massacre, a bloody purge that is destined to go down in history as “The Night of the Long Knives and the Short Bus.”  David Brooks has contracted such an advanced case of Stockholm Syndrome that his mewling, mumbling renunciations of all previously held values and convictions evokes a Moscow Show Trial featuring the Muppets’ Swedish Chef.  And Dick Morris was so bereft on Tuesday that shortly after midnight he broke into a spasm of sobbing so abrupt and violent that he aspirated a hooker’s foot.

But other conservative commentators aren’t in a mood to grieve, navel-gaze, or shave the heads of collaborators; some, like Kyle-Anne Shiver of Pajamas Media are just plain furious at nature’s nobleman, John McCain and his tendency to treat his debates with Senator Obama not as dirty street-fighting, but as acts of courtly love.

Honestly, if I should hear the word “gracious” applied to John McCain’s concession speech even one more time, I may throw the biggest hissy fit ever seen this side of the Mississippi.

In reality, however, it isn’t the concession speech that has me riled. It’s the unavoidable reality that Senator McCain attempted to be graciousness personified throughout his campaign.

If one thing about McCain’s performance in the 2008 presidential campaign is remembered, it will certainly be his graciousness.  That, and his incessant booty calls on that plumber guy.

McCain has said plainly on more than one occasion that when he looks into Putin’s eyes, he sees KGB. McCain knows full well that Putin, in a suit playing friendly diplomatic statesman, is a front for an old KGB power-mad goon.

But somehow he couldn’t see that behind Obama’s equally friendly suit was a “thug” in “phat pants” who wore “bling” and carelessly “let the dogs out.”

John McCain understands the evil and the determination of our Islamo-fascist foes far, far, far, far better than Barack Obama. There is no doubt whatsoever about this.

Actually, I kind of doubt that third “far,” although I agree with the fourth one, but think you shouldn’t have italicized it.

John McCain has ferociously and often that when it comes to our war with Islamo-fascism, “we will never surrender. They will.” On the will and persistence which will be required to defeat these mullahs, intent on establishing their worldwide fascist caliphate, McCain obviously gets it. [...]

But he did underestimate the guile of Barack Obama.

It’s sort of like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, except this time we’re seeing Othello through Iago’s eyes:  The story of a decent, hardworking white guy done in by a devious Moor.

My own opinion was formed over the past year as I looked at the man, Barack Hussein Obama, in public giving perfectly choreographed speeches with the aid of his teleprompter and professional speechwriters, while he fumbled and stumbled and misspoke and spoke inartfully every time he was without his props.

“Oh wait — no — sorry.  I was thinking of Gallagher.”

My opinion only hardened every time I heard Obama inventing relatives out of whole cloth to add flourish to his carefully constructed, oh-so-American narrative.

Nothing more American than a cloth Granny.  Mine’s made out of gingham.

Lies by any other name … still lies.

Now would be a good time to sign up for Kyle-Anne’s writing seminar:  Using Punctuation To Create Suspense In Sentences That Would Otherwise Be Too Ungrammatical To Serve As Dialogue In A Charlie Chan Movie.

My opinion was gradually set in steel as I read and studied and pored over Obama’s own books.

And once Kyle-Anne’s opinions are set in steel, you can just forget dissuading her.  She’s a woman of concretey resolve.

Barack Obama has lived 47 years. In all that time, he has presented himself in public as a multi-dimensional symbolic figure, self-anointed as far more special than any of his actual deeds have ever — even in a single instance — validated as reality. If ever there was a more enigmatic figure in American public life, I have yet to discover him.

The Hamburglar.  He’s been in the public eye for 37 years, and we still don’t know his true identity!

And so, my own final judgment of this campaign is that John McCain’s failure to assess the depth of his opponent’s desire for power — power for its own sake — was his own fatal flaw.

And the moment of truth in this campaign:

When Larry King asked John McCain less than a week before the election whether he believed Barack Obama was a socialist, McCain firmly answered, “No.”

In fact, he should have said, “Verily, I do not know what Barack Obama is and neither does anyone else, except perhaps the man himself.”

McCain should also have appeared on Larry King in a slashed leather jerkin over a peascod-bellied doublet with ruff and pansied slops, but I guess he just wasn’t serious enough about winning.

To which McCain might have added for extra flourish — and perhaps hundreds of thousands of votes for himself:  “If he walks like a socialist, and quacks like a socialist, then there is very good reason to assume that he is a socialist.”

Then, with a final flourish, McCain might have laid his hip cloak over a mud puddle and invited Larry to walk across it.

For this, one needs no education, but he does need a grain of common sense. Pure common sense —

– which can be deadly, but the street value is enormous!

…common sense not defiled by the ongoing, ubiquitous reeducation camp we euphemistically refer to as political correctness.

This is also known as being “cut” or “stepped on,” and in addition to political correctness, common sense is frequently diluted with mannitol or baby laxative.

John McCain, in this contest of your life, your own misplaced sense of graciousness defeated you. And I am truly saddened that we will never have the benefit of your service as our commander in chief.

That is settled; it is now history. What remains to be seen is what your own error will cost the American people, for whom you refused to be the Patton we needed.

We needed a warrior, not a wimp, and if you’d just waited until after the election to reveal you weren’t the warrior we needed, then we could have had you as our Wimp-in-Chief instead of That One.  Thanks, John.  Thanks a lot.  Loser.

Stupidity Won’t Take A Holiday

Posted by scott on September 18th, 2008

We’re been enjoying a brief and tardy summer-vacation-in-concentrate down at the beach this week; tardy because Mary missed her ordinary break due to switching tracks at the school where she teaches, and down at the shore because I have a perverse affinity for palm trees in the fog.


But even though I’m not there to collect the LA Times from our doorstep each morning and peel open the Op-Ed section with equal parts dread and masochistic anticipation, Jonah Goldberg still somehow manages to exist, thus spoiling my theory that his periodic manifestations in the newspaper were due less to poor editorial judgment, and more to my habit of gorging on midnight snacks of leftover chicken vindaloo.  Alas, there he is, still splashing spoonfuls of runny talking points onto my screen, garnished with a dainty floret of ketchup like he was a Reagan-era Lunch Lady.


After running a brilliant and historic primary battle to defeat Hillary Clinton, the Obama campaign is now in disarray. Why?

Because I hate him!  M…O…U…S…E…!

Perhaps it’s because Barack Obama has never run a competitive race against a Republican. After all, Obama won his U.S. Senate seat in Illinois by running against Alan Keyes, a fire-and-brimstone, right-wing black carpetbagger from Maryland (or perhaps Mars) who had no real ties to Illinois.

Wow, that’s pretty harsh, Jonah.  Can’t you say find anything nice to say about Keyes?

But all I will say is that I’ve met Alan Keyes, and whatever his other flaws, he’s so clean you could eat off him.

That makes it all better, thanks.  So, anyway, you’re peeved about some ad the Obama campaign is running?

It begins with the date “1982,” a picture of a disco ball and footage of McCain in clunky glasses from his first year in Washington. “Things have changed in the last 26 years, but McCain hasn’t,” explains the announcer. “He admits he still doesn’t know how to use a computer, can’t send an e-mail, still doesn’t understand the economy and favors $200 billion in new tax cuts for corporations, but almost nothing for the middle class.” All the while it shows ancient computers and a cordless phone that looks like a World War II-era walkie-talkie.

First, the ad is dishonest.

Except for its main point about McCain’s economic policies.  But that’s not going to stop Jonah, who has a demonstrated ability to take the defining political questions of the day and reduce them to a debate about Stuffing or Potatoes, while never quite committing himself to one starch or the other.  If dragged to the Shrine Auditorium and asked to denounce a neo-Nazi rally going on inside, Jonah would stare at his shoes for a moment or two before deciding that the real outrage was the buildings Moorish details, which might send the wrong message to passersby at a time when we’re at war with liberal Islamofascists.

McCain has been one of the Senate’s leading authorities on telecom and the Internet.

In that he’s heard it exists, it’s made of tubes, and Al Gore invented it, which is why McCain labored all night at his soldering bench to produce his prototype “Blackberry,” because that’s the way you get elected President in this country.

Being chairman of the Senate Commerce Committee, Weisberg explained, “forced him to learn about the Internet early on, and young Web entrepreneurs such as Jerry Yang and Jeff Bezos fascinate him.”

Although, when they appeared before his committee, McCain managed to resist staring at their tits and asses while compulsively twisting his wedding ring all through the hearing.

But as we all know, McCain’s every flaw can be excused by his brutal confinement in a North Vietnamese prison, leading one to conclude that prior to his capture, he must have been the most perfect human being since Jesus to walk this earth and get divorced and graduate at the bottom of his class.

One reason McCain is not versed in the mechanical details of sending e-mail and typing on a keyboard is that the North Vietnamese broke his fingers and shattered both of his arms. As Forbes, Slate and the Boston Globe reported in 2000, McCain’s injuries make using a keyboard painfully laborious. He mostly relies on his wife and staff to show him e-mails and websites, though he says he’s getting up to speed.

Because Cindy was beginning to balk at having to stop whatever she was doing to log John onto ArcticAsses.com, SexxySnowmachiners, and I Spy Cariboutoe

Besides, by this logic, Obama is even less qualified to be commander in chief because, unlike McCain, Obama has never fired a gun, flown a plane or led men during wartime.

Or crashed a single plane, let alone five, touched off a devastating blaze on the deck of an aircraft carrier, or got captured.  All essential qualifications for the modern commander-in-chief, if America hopes to keep its recent streak of botched, lingering, inconclusive wars going.

And if the Obama campaign did not intend to mock a disabled veteran, what does it say about his supposedly “cybersavvy” campaign that they don’t know how to conduct a five-minute Google search to find out these things?

“I’m not sure, but as soon as my intern gets back from lunch he’s gonna look it up.”

Obama doesn’t know how to get outside his echo chamber. He talks about being bipartisan to hard-core liberals who like the words

Because nobody is more pleased when you sell out a political party than its hardcore partisans.

He talks about new ideas, but he merely repackages old ones.

“And wait — listen — I’ve got a totally new, completely unexpected way to attack Obama for it.  We start out with a medium shot of McCain, looking over the camera and kind of squinting.  Then he says — you’re gonna love this — he says, in sort of this confused, quavery old man voice, he says, ‘Where’s the BEEF?’  Huh?  Huh?  Oh yeah!  Just call me the new Turdblossom, baby!”