I don’t mean to one-up Scott, but here are TWELVE conservative “babes” for your special day, Doghouse.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Sure, one of them is Ann Coulter, but another one is Michele Bachmann (or Michelle Bachman, as they refer to her for legal purposes). And another one is Michelle Malkin. And another one is Michelle Duggar! Yes, it’s all the conservative babe Michelles you’ll ever need, all in one convenient calendar.

Here’s the press release from Human Events Online:

Dressed in black and packing fashionably smart gazes at the camera’s lens,

Well, Michelle Malkin’s gaze looks kinda dazed and dopey to me, but whatever, I’ll accept your contention that these women are smart enough to look at a camera.

…12 high-profile ladies from the right—including one well-known power mother of 19—

That would be Clare herself, well known for her maternal attributes.

…have earned spots in the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute’s 6th annual “Great American Conservative Women” calendar, available for purchase this week.

Last year, the vaunted Herndon, Va., women’s institute, which promotes leadership and brings conservative speakers to college campuses, garnered wattage with then-newsmaker Carrie Prejean, the controversial Miss USA who rose to the spotlight amid much praise and intense criticism with her unabashed pageant defense of traditional marriage.

Wow, so last year’s calendar featured some of those “controversial” porn photos of Carrie?!? How very vaunted!

This year, another beloved but decidedly less showbiz figure, Michelle Duggar, American’s unapologetic turbo-mom, makes an appearance on the monthly pages. [...]

“We picked Michelle Duggar not because she is political at all but because she represents our ideals,” [Clare spokesmodel Alyssa] Cordova said. “She is devoted to taking care of her family, to doing her own thing, devoted to her faith. She represents a lot of things our people look up to.”

“Our people” apparently look up to women who give birth to lots and lots and lots of children they can’t give much attention to, but make up for that fact by letting TV audiences watch them on a regular basis.

But this is why you should objectify these women for their looks, such as they are:

“I think the Left always makes it seem that being pretty is mutually exclusive to being smart,” she [Cordova] said. “It’s appalling and a total double standard for conservative women.”

Damn that Left, always ruining things for pretty girls like Duggar by insisting that she is just a piece of meat, when clearly she must be smart to have figured out how to get pregnant every 6 months.

” If you go to the women’s center on campus, they are trying to stifle any traces of femininity. We like to highlight that these women have great looks and also intellects.”

And that’s why its so great that they feature Bachmann, who is a rocket scientist as well as being easily as pretty as Ruth Buzzi’s famous character “Gladys Ormphby.”

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Doghouse. You are one of my heroes. And everyday I am amazed that a man of your vast intellect consents to hangout with ne’er-do-wells and riffraff like us! So, have a great day and never desert us, or we will have to publish even more photos of Ann Counter!

Birthdays | 5 Comments »

Update: Okay, it turns out that today, December 21 is actually DH’s birthday.  My apologies for the screw-up, and hey, let’s keep the party going!

Today is the natal anniversary of the Hoosier Sage, who for my money is in a dead heat with Roy Edroso for Web’s Best Wordsmith (making them a kind of Alias Worthsmith and Jones).  Mr. Riley has been kind enough to favor World O’ Crap with his comments going back to the old Salon blog days, and has demonstrated, besides his obvious literary gifts, a flair for gastronomy, oenophilia, and history.  He also, as s.z. once remarked, seems to know a lot about heroin.

Before we go any further, I must discharge an unpleasant duty:

Ann Coulter prepares to launch herself across the table toward a fan whom she suspects of possessing the One Ring.

In addition to Mr. Riley, other literary luminaries who burst from the forehead of Zeus on this date include:

Hortense Calisher, novelist.

Dick Wolf, creator of some sort of self-replicating virus that infects cable television.

Jean Racine, who I didn’t bother to research, but I assume is from Wisconsin, and probably wrote the tragedy, Les Fromagers.

Andrei Codrescu, Romanian-born U.S. poet and professor whose literary journal, Exquisite Corpse, published the first excerpts from Better Living Through Bad Movies.  (It’s true.  You could look it up.)

Tom Gries, who fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (such as Mr. Riley) will remember as the screenwriter of the Season 2 classic King Dinosaur.

Now, before I go, I should probably administer the antidote:

Happy birthday, Doghouse!  Thanks for classing the joint up these many years; and here’s to many more.

Birthdays | 18 Comments »

Mr. Zombie Rotten Mcdonald has indicated that it’s his birthday. Have a great one, Zombie!

In your honor, we decided to forgo a photo of zombie Ann Coulter, since she is starting to rot. Instead, may we present you with this photo of the ghoul Nancy Grace, a foul creature that obviously doesn’t crave brains. No, she eats microphones.

Birthdays | 14 Comments »

Chris, let me add my happy wishes to the stack there on the mantle. Like others have noted, Chris is a long-time favorite around here (and as such, is entitled to our “super secret snark” reserved for founding members). I remember the days when my fingers would automatically type “Christ V” whenever I mentioned him, and eventually the name stuck, and then he died for our sins.

Anyway, I wish you the happiest of birthdays, Chris, and because Scott has already inflicted the traditional Coulter torture on you, I will just share with you this appalling photo.

Besides being Chris’s birthday, today is also All Saints’ Day. Per Wikipedia, All Saints’ Day honors “all the saints, known and unknown.” And hey, that just might include some of you!

Also, there are many Saints who are known, but not all that notable, and probably wouldn’t get honored any other day. For example, one St. Alkeld: “Nothing is documented about her life, but she is depicted in a painting as being strangled by Dane invaders.” Which probably wasn’t a lot of fun, but doesn’t really inspire many people to live better lives these days.

But one good thing about Saints, there seems to be one for every purpose you can think of. Here are a few from the list, chosen more or less at random:

~ Saint Anthony the Patron of Lost articles, the Poor, Amputees and Cemetery workers

~ Saint Benedict the Patron of Monks and Poisoning
~ Saint Bernadine the Patron of Advertising
~ Saint Bernadino the Patron of Impulsive and uncontrolled gambling

~ Saint Christina – Millers, Insanity and Psychiatrists

~ Saint Maurice the Patron of Infantrymen, Cramp and Swordsmiths
~ Saint Maximilian Kolbe the Patron of Drug Addiction
~ Saint Michael the Patron of Battles, Germany, Grocers, Police officers, Radiologists, Seafarers
~ Saint Monica the Patron of Alcoholism, Bakers, Brewers, Children, Coopers, Greece and Peace
~ Saint Nicholas/Saint Dorothy the Patron of Brides
~ Saint Norbert the Patron of Peasants

~ Saint Scholastica the Patron of Convulsions in Children and rain
~ Saint Sebastian the Patron of Athletes, Enemies of religion, Gardeners, Iron mongers, Undertakers
~ Saint Stephen the Patron of Austria, Casket makers, Hungary and Stone masons
~ Saint Swithin – Weather
~ Saint Theresa of Avila the Patron of Headache sufferers

Anyway, your assignment to commemorate the holiday is to either pick your patron saint (from the link above, or any other official Catholic saint list, or your imagination, or whatever), and say why he or she is getting that honor.

Or, make up a patron saint for a group, situation, or attribute that seems to be patronless. For example, I suggest that the Catholic Church beatify somebody who can be the “Patron of finding a parking place when you’re running late and really need one.” Or perhaps St. Sebastian could add that to his list. I also note that as St. Alkeld (the one who was strangled by Danes) has apparently not been chosen to be over anything, I recommend that she be made the patron of Altoids, stranglers, and being jumped on by big, overly-friendly dogs.

Now, get to work!

Birthdays, Happy Holidays | 25 Comments »

Today is the natal anniversary of WO’C commenter extraordinaire (and our old drinking buddy) Chris Vosburg.  Celebrated from here to Alicublog for his dry wit and command of the off-beat, but oddly relevant fact, Chris V. is also one of the nicest people you’ll ever met, assuming you ever meet him, which personally, we’d recommend.

Now, Chris, in honor of your special day (and before s.z. beats me to it) here’s a photo of Ann Coulter loading up on some of that nicotine gum she’s constantly working her jaws around like Bull Connor with a plug of Red Man.

Phew!  Okay, moving on…As is only appropriate for a fellow who works and lives in Hollywood, the Stars have much to say about you.  So let’s listen in:

The waxing Sun trine Moon in your Solar Return chart is a fortunate aspect.

But you should probably spend the extra $3.50 for the Carnuba Sun Wax, for that genuine trine shine.

You are likely to feel especially comfortable in your skin this year.

I envy you, Chris, because I can never seem to get comfortable in my skin.  To begin with, it’s got poor lower back support and is always asking me really personal questions.

This could be a good year for financial undertakings involving electronics, technology, the internet

Uranus is apparently suggesting that you explore the burgeoning field of porn spam.

Childbirth is sometimes associated with this aspect, if appropriate.

So don’t go into labor unless the moment feels right.

On This Day in History:

996 – Holy Roman Emperor Otto III issues a deed to Gottschalk, Bishop of Freising, who responds by opening a chain of dry goods stores in Fresno and Visalia.

1896 – A picture showing the unclad (bare) breasts of a woman appears in National Geographic magazine for the first time, in the annual Girls of Abyssinia issue.

1911 – The first dropping of a bomb from an airplane in combat, during the Italo-Turkish War, by Flying Lieutenant Vittorio “Butterfingers” Lombardi. The war between the Kingdom of Italy and the Ottoman Empire is officially ended by the Treaty of Ouchy, which mandates the transfer of Tripolitania and Cyrenaica to Italy, provides for the demilitarization of the Dodecanese Islands, and requires that henceforth all combat wounds be treated by “kissing them.”

Born this day in 1982:  Yuko Ogura, Japanese model, seen here presenting you with a birthday blancmange, and trying desperately to make up for that Coulter pic:

Many more, Chris.  (Birthdays, that is, not Japanese models.  Not that we’re judging you, or trying to get all up in your business, or anything.)

Birthdays | 22 Comments »

We continue the week’s festivities in honor of Scott’s birthday with some wise counsel for Scott (and the rest of you). And that advice is to be thankful that things aren’t a lot worse.

For example, Scott, your back may be shot to hell and your skeleton may be trying to escape out of your body (like in an old horror movie I think I saw once), but just be grateful that you don’t have Jonah Goldberg’s body. Or his mind either.

And while advancing middle-age may bring regrets for the mistakes of youth or for roads not taken, you can be very grateful that you never got involved with current Town Hall columnist Rachel Marsden (or if you did, somehow you managed to avoid being stalked by her, or having her sell your dirty clothes on eBay).

And while you may have current challenges, be very, very grateful that you aren’t seeing Robin of Berkeley to help you deal with them. Because she’s crazy!

Anyway, in honor of the Halloween season, Robin is sharing with us a wrenching tale of horror that would make Stephen King cry in terror like a little girl.

Spooky in Berkeley

It was Saturday, and the day started out propitiously–with a gaggle of adorable children masquerading as witches and ballerinas. But as the day went on, I noticed a new trend: older children and teens, stuffed into minivans.

They didn’t wear costumes, and they brought with them an angry vibe that was likely fueled by envy.

To get into the proper spooky state of mind, let’s clearly visualize this hellish scenario. It was daylight. Non-threatening tots costumed as ballerinas and non-evil witches are out and about. But then it got to be afternoon, and Robin noticed tweens and teens driving around in minivans. They weren’t in costume. Their vibe felt angry. Maybe they were jealous of Robin. Okay, that’s the scene. Now for the horror!

Now I’m quick to add that my house is modest at best; my neighborhood is diverse and middle-class. As with all areas around here, there are break-ins and damaged cars. But at least tricker-treaters can walk around our block without being struck by a drive-by shooting, which is more than I can say for these kids’ neighborhoods.

After a while, it all felt too intimidating. Fearing for my personal safety, I had to shut the door and turn off the porch light. But I didn’t just shut the door on that Halloween, but the ones that followed, too.

Um, on her first Halloween in Berkeley, Robin felt an envious vibe from some kids, and so she shut the door and locked herself in the house. And she has every Halloween since! And nothing has actually happened to her, but those vibes can be deadly! That’s a tale to rival the worst that Hollywood can offer this season!

It’s tragic that liberalism robs children and adults of the innocence of Halloween.

Okay, that’s actually the scary part of the story: Robin gets scared because vans of lower-class (possibly minority) young people are in her neighborhood on Halloween, and then she blames liberalism for her fears. And she presumably has clients whom are paying her to help them with their mental problems! Scary as hell!

How sad that some kids can’t safely ring the doorbells in their very own neighborhood. And those same children have to feel the sting of shame by being bused to better areas for a few sweets.

Speaking as a former kid, I don’t find it sad at all that some “less affluent” children trick-or-treat in the “better” enclave where Robin lives. I know that at a kid, every year I would trick-or-treat in my own neighborhood, and then would hit the richer neighborhoods too — because not only did I get more candy that way, I got BETTER candy too. (My neighbors gave out that “Cheap Bag o’ Treats” stuff that was mostly thin suckers and icky bubblegum, but some houses in better neighborhoods were passing out mini chocolate bars!) And not once did I feel an ounce of shame. And not once did I plan to rob or murder the people in those nicer houses, no matter how crazy they seemed.

But I learned my lesson from that one Berkeley Halloween, and it’s this: there is no respite from the wreckage that progressivism has wrought. The only solution is escaping its iron grip.

By locking your door against the lower-class kids who are out begging for candy in better neighborhoods, while planning race riots or Helter Skelter.

That’s why this Halloween, my husband and I will do what we always do: get up early, secure the windows and doors, and hide the plants in the backyard. And then we’ll beat a hasty retreat to the suburbs.

Good for you, Robin. I hope you aren’t killed by an envious/shameful 12-year-old on Halloween morn before you can escape to Palo Alto.

Birthdays, Happy Holidays | 28 Comments »

I would be the worst friend in the world if I didn’t wish a happy milestone birthday to Scott, who is one of the most brilliant, kind, decent, creative, funny, compasionate, generous, thoughtful, people in the world. And since this is late, I guess I am. But the NY Times came through with an early birthday present — a new photo of Ann Coulter, along with a feature article about how a passe Ann is now marketing herself to the female impersonater community. Or something. Anyway, just for Scott, here are a few bits of that article:

Outflanked on Right, Coulter Seeks New Image

“I WROTE a new speech for the gays and I don’t have it memorized yet!” said Ann Coulter, as she ducked into a hallway in the Union Square apartment of the venture capitalist Peter Thiel on a recent Saturday night, flicking a half-empty packet of Habitrol gum between her fingers. She was there to speak at Homocon 2010, a party for the one-year anniversary of GOProud, the Washington-based advocacy group for gay conservatives.

For a right-wing, evangelical Christian who has made fun of homosexuals and opposes same-sex marriage, Ms. Coulter seemed awfully … game. Wearing a black lace-up cocktail dress and high black heels, she posed for a photograph with the founder of Boy Butter, a maker of sex lubricants.

Soon, she will be making TV commerials for them, if the money is right. (And yes, she is wearing a cross in the above photo.)

“Except for me, they [gays] are the most politically incorrect people you will ever meet,” said Ms. Coulter, 48, one recent evening over a glass of pinot grigio at a hotel bar after a speech in Raleigh, N.C.. Capitalizing on her flamboyant, anything-goes persona, she has gone so far as to describe herself as “the right-wing Judy Garland.”

Poor Judy. At least death has spared her this comparsion.

Well, I have to go right now – the orphan kittens are screaming, the dogs are eating the World’s Best Litter (made from corn, and apparently very tasty), and the blind cat is trying to sleep on the back of my neck. But here’s a birthday horoscope for Scott. Work on it until I get back.

IF OCTOBER 27 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You might get back in touch with your childlike wonder and feel younger than your years.

Early senility can do that.

You could have career aspirations that will come to fruition in April or to a lesser degree in July, but the important thing is to get in touch with the spiritual side of life.

In other words, you could starve to death waiting for those producers to get back you on that project.

Since you are more romantic at heart your love life may blossom especially in April and through the summer. Be creative and turn any deficit into an asset.

Make lemonade from lemons!
And, uh, why not organize an improv group and do guerilla theatre at the food court in your mall. Dress a little differently. Make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Or here’s an idea: toss a little cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and talk about your true inner feelings in an emotionally-charged, gut-wrenching, autobiographical account of your warped adolesence, and then watch the grant money come in. Whoooo! But don’t snap judge me.

Or, eat an apple: nature’s toothbrush. Ask Mr. Owl how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie center. Have you met everyone on your block? Now would be a nice time to start, doncha think? Hmmmm. In a classroom, slide your desks together and create an ecology symbol. Police the lives of those around you and get your sensibilities way the heck outta whack! Parade up and down the street in your underwear. Impose your ideas on others! It’s easy! Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look. You decide. You do it!

BIRTHDAY GUY: Actor Patrick Fugit was born in Salt Lake City on this date in 1982. This birthday guy’s film credits include “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant,” “White Oleander” and “Almost Famous.” No stranger to television as well, Fugit has guest-starred on episodes of “House M.D.” and “ER” — and his career began in 1998 with a small role on an episode of “Touched by an Angel.”

The only famous person they could come up with is “Patrick Fugit”??? Okay, this is officially the cheapest, tackiest birthday horoscope on the planet. Sorry about that. I did ask a real psychic to give me her predictions for you for the year, but she is still preparting her report, I guess. Either that, or she is waiting for my credit card number.

In any case, Happy Birthday! And I will be back with more special day wishes and photos later.

Birthdays | 23 Comments »

Scott spoke too quickly — there will NOT be any birthdays without photos of Ann Coutler on my watch!

So, enjoy this one of Ann with her Jewish counterpart, Pam Geller.

Ann and Pam Arm Wrestle for the Title of “Skankiest Dimwit of the Right”

Coincidentally, this weekend the NY Times ran a feature on Pam Geller: Pamela Geller — Blogger, Provocateur, Lightning Rod, Bigot, Wingnut, and Idiot. And as I was reading it, I was thinking that Pam is the anti-Anti. Pam came from a good, loving family and had a comfortable upper-middle-class upbringing. Despite never finishing college and not being all that bright, she had a good job — which she quit after marrying rich. After her divorce, she got nearly $4 million, and when her ex died “there was a $5 million life-insurance policy benefiting her four daughters, ” and “she also kept some proceeds from the sale of Mr. Oshry’s $1.8 million house in Hewlett Harbor.” She lives in “a modern full-floor unit in a high-rise on the East Side of Manhattan that could belong to a socialite or the editor of a lifestyle magazine.”

She was a frequent commenter at Little Green Footballs, and eventually spun that into her own blog, based on the premise that Islam itself is our enemy, all Muslims are terrorists, Obama is a secret Muslim, every loony rumor about Muslim terrorists coming to YOUR house to kill YOUR kids are true, etc. And now she is the major force behind the “Building a mosque anywhere in NYC is spitting into the faces of the 9/11 victims” movement. She is raking in thousands and thousands of dollars for her “cause,” gets invited to be on TV all the time, and now has a NY Times feature about her. Here’s a quote from it:

Her writings, rallies and television appearances have both offended and inspired, transforming Ms. Geller from an Internet obscurity, who once videotaped herself in a bikini as she denounced “Islamofascism,” into a media commodity who has been profiled on “60 Minutes” and whose phraseology has been adopted by Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin.

And when Sarah Palin is stealing your phrases, you know you’ve arrive in the wingnut world.

And like I said, as I was reading this, I was thinking about AC. About how she triumphed over a horrific childhood and tragedies and obstacles that would have defeated most people. And how life still is hard for her, due to health problems, other bad breaks, and the difficulty of surviving in today’s America when you’re not middle-class and well-connected. And about how AC is a frequent commenter at various blogs, and started her own blog — and how, if life was fair, SHE should be the one getting the donations and the TV appearances and the acclaim, because despite all the adversity she has faced, she is a compassionate, caring person who has reached out and given of her time, energy, and limited funds to help others facing difficult times. And she helps even the total outcasts of the world, the feral cats. And how AC is smart and well-read and funny — everything that Pam is not.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Joanna. I hope it’s a good one. And know that when I control the world, you will be getting the breaks that should be yours, along with Pam’s lovely East Side high-rise.

Birthdays | 19 Comments »

Today’s a big day for our good friend and personal heroine, Anntichrist S. Coulter:  yes, it’s her birfday!  Those of us who’ve known Annti lo’ these many years (and it’s hard to remember a time when her remarks weren’t lighting up the WO’C comment threads like a match dropped in a powder magazine) have long admired her humanity, her generosity of spirit, and her courage in the face of pain, adversity, and rednecks.  And, like s.z., she has expended much time, blood, and treasure looking after the feral, abandoned, and generally more vulnerable members of society.  So in honor of her being such an all around rare and wonderful egg, I’m going to skip the traditional Ann Coulter photo, because otherwise she might hurt me (Annti, that is; obviously the Coulter pic would sting) and try to appeal to her more eclectic tastes in flesh.  Here’s the appetizer…

And here’s the entree:

Okay, now let’s take a squint at your horoscope, AC.  Checking your “Solar Return chart” for this year, we see the following:

Mars trines Uranus

Of course it does.  As Mars always says, “I’ll trine anything once.”

…and sextiles Saturn

Unfortunately, Saturn turned out to be an undercover cop.

Now I’m going to turn the floor over to Annti’s pal (and WO’C guest columnist) Bill S., who also remembered her birthday, of course, and sent me the following paean:

On October 11, Anntichrist S. Coulter turns 40 (as she mentions on her site Mark of the Beast).

As my tribute to her, rather than list any celebs who share her birthday,  I present simply the YouTube links to the classic “Birthday” episode of Absolutely Fabulous, in which Edina celebrates turning 40 as only she can — by turning it into a crisis of epic proportions.

This happens to be one of my favorite episodes, for so many reasons: Patsy & Edina’s “Bones ‘n bumps” conversation, and their karaoke performance at the end; Saffy slapping Eddy and then calmly resuming cooking lunch; the debut appearance of Bo, who makes up for the absence of Bubble; Oliver delivering one of the most quotable insults ever (more suitable for Ann Coulter’s b’day than Annti’s), Justin and Marshall dishing about Edina; and the unusually lucid Gran deflating Bo’s annoying cheeriness…

Anyway, re-watching this episode is enough to take anyone’s mind off Getting Older, since for most of us, with age comes wisdom.

-Bill S.

Thanks, Bill.  And I’d just like to add my heartfelt wishes that Annti have a great day, and many more of them.  Happy birthday, AC!

Birthdays | 12 Comments »

Today’s the natal anniversary of our fellow Angeleno and blogger M. (the M. stands for Mystery!) Bouffant, who admits to being born in 19XX, which is obviously a clue, and which I believe means he’s “as old as Dos Equis.”  Since the brand was founded in 1897, this would make him one hundred and thirteen years old.  However, using the little gray cells, we note that Dos Equis was not imported into the U.S. until 1973!  And since “imported into the U.S.” is a euphemism employed by first generation immigrants to describe how their pregnant mothers snuck across the southern border to give illegal life to them on U.S. soil, we can deduce that M. (the M. stands for Monsieur — he’s that classy!) Bouffant is thirty-sevens year old, and the Most Interesting Anchor Baby in the World.

M. Bouffant in undated file photo.

A list of historic coincidences and slightly less interesting people who were also born this day can be found on M.’s blog.  (Could he actually be the head of Britain’s MI6, which would make him James Bond’s superior, and currently a woman?  Click the link to find out!  Then come back and tell me, because I couldn’t actually find that information there.)

Happy birthday, M.  You’re kind, generous, and wise beyond your years (unless you’re actually a 113, in which case, would you like some apple sauce?  And a straw?).

Birthdays | 17 Comments »