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Archive for September, 2008

A Visit From The Wisdom Tooth Fairy

Posted by scott on September 30th, 2008

swank.jpgIn his latest column, Pastor Swank informs us that “McCain won debate on wisdom,” which I guess is less femmy than winning on points, or even a TKO.  Anyway, Swank believes that John McCain acquitted himself well in the contest, but if the Pastor were to pick nits, he feels that if McCain has one obvious flaw it’s that he’s not an immortal, like Jesus or Christopher Lambert.

There is nothing like wisdom accumulated over time.

It’s like a rich, finely aged cheese, but not as binding.

Of course, every mortal has his flaws. John McCain being mortal fits right in there.

If America wanted perfection, it would have to go for a biblical theocracy.

At this point the pastor paused in his ruminations to go change his pants.

But our Republic is a democracy led by human beings who have their imperfections.

McCain has his imprecations. B.. Hussein has his crimes. There is a difference.

Which is why the choice is clear.  On the one hand we have a larcenous Negro, on the other we have a wizened, pasty mortal who, apparently…likes to curse?

When McCain delivered at the debate, he won hands down because of his wisdom. It did not take drama to produce his finger counting experiences — running over ten fingers and then needing another hand or two.

And the sight of McCain performing rudimentary calculations, using a pair of severed human hands he’d brought to the podium, only further enhanced his reputation as a slightly befuddled badass.

McCain was not reciting from a textbook that he read in preparation for the talk-about. He candidly — without fanfare and drawing attention — ticked off one geographical location and headline leader after another.

Originally, McCain wanted to stage the debate in a spelling bee format, but ultimately decided that would just be showing off.

He went back years to situations that molded America. He recalled at times exact quotations from such individuals as US Presidents.

He conjugated verbs, and often emphasized them with a gesture.  He took sips of water without dribbling, and his autonomic nervous system successfully maintained his heart rate and respiration so he never once turned blue and fell over.

McCain drew on his mental file. And in that file was much that makes him the man for walking ready-made into the Oval Office.

Because one of the files is marked, “Bipedal Locomotion.”

B. Hussein is indeed dangerous on many points, most of them points that could stick into one balloon after another, all bringing down the executive branch of our government.

To be frank, I think we should call a constitutional convention and reconsider this whole concept of a lighter-than-air executive branch, especially after what happened with President Steve Fossett.

Further, McCain put to rest the predictions that he would lose and so be a do-nothing-nonproductive because he is 72. No one should ever bring that age factor up again, including the obscene ads the B. Hussein campaign is putting out about McCain’s skin cancer!

In addition, McCain being smaller in height than B. Hussein did not make a hoot at the debate. That can be laid in the casket as well.

I wouldn’t say “casket” around McCain, he’s a little sensitive…

Moreover, McCain not as sweet looking as The Boy can be hung out to dry.

Um…Do you want to rephrase that, Pastor?

In other words, McCain won the debate because he spoke in-depth on the issues presented. He spoke from his heart, from his head.

He whistled through his nostrils, and yodeled from his colon.

Note also that McCain did not tie himself to George W. Bush.

And in today’s political climate, that took courage.

That can be put in the coffin as well.

Look, Pastor, you’re talking about a man as old as Hoover Dam; I doubt he appreciates your repeating the C-word.

No.  The other C-word.

McCain, being his own conscience and not a cookie cutter copy for any mortal or party, presented himself as the individualist that he sincerely is. That is wisdom honed over time. You can’t beat that.

I defy you to even understand it.

B. Hussein is no match for the wisdom over time. No wonder then that when B. Hussein looked in McCain’s direction, McCain just looked straight ahead — nobly, in fact.

It’s sad how many people these days mistake noblesse oblige for dickishness.

It was as if McCain was thinking, “Let The Boy say what he has to say, he has no idea where I come from.”

And that is the truth.

That McCain’s a racist asshole too?

McCain’s wisdom quotient is so high and clear that B. Hussein has no ladder even beginning to reach the first layer.

Now I understand why Swank hasn’t been producing as many columns per day lately: he attempted poetry without first warming up and gave himself a hernia.   Get well soon, pastor.

Scott, This One is for You*

Posted by s.z. on September 30th, 2008

Black Belt Patriotism by Chuck Norris: Book Cover 

*Because Scott is known in Hollywood as a Black Belt Commie Sympathizer. 

Anyway, as we continue our stroll down Town Hall’s boulevard of broken dreams, tortured syntax, and muddled thinking, let’s stop and stare at Chuck Norris, who has followed in the footsteps of Pat Boone and used his golden years to become a conservative columnist/crackpot. So, here’s Chuck’s latest piece, Clandestine Conservatives in Hollywood.

As I was being interviewed recently at my Texas ranch by Geraldo Rivera, I thought back over my four decades in acting and how the pool of conservative “tough guys” seems to be drying up in Hollywood.

What a coincidence!  As I was being nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for Blogging, I thought back over my four decades of watching bad movies and how really atrocious Chuck Norris’s Invasion USA is.  (Although this film left deep emotional scars, it didn’t make the cut for Better Living Through Bad Movies, possibly because the book self-publishing industry is secretly controlled by liberals.)

Or are liberal waters just getting too hot for conservatives?

Yes, conservative tough guys are drying up due to hot liberal waters.  That’s got to be it, Chuck!

Then I recalled that The Washington Times recently reported, “A group of politically conservative and centrist Hollywood figures (up to 600 at once) organized by actor Gary Sinise and others has been meeting quietly in restaurants and private homes, forming a loose-knit network of entertainers who share common beliefs like supporting U.S. troops and traditional American values.”

How sad that Chuck had to read in the paper about these gatherings — you’d think that he’d rate at least a courtesy invitation.   (“Hi, Mr. Norris, it’s Gary Sinise.  Yes, the guy from the C.S.I. that nobody watches.  Anyway, I understand that you are a wingnut, so I wanted to let you know that me and 600 of my closest closeted conservative friends are getting together at Olive Garden on Tuesday.  We wondered if you wanted to join us as we whine about how we coulda been contenders if only we weren’t always being blacklisted for loving America and Jesus.  Yes, they are doing that “Endless Pasta Bowl” thing there now.  Of course, most of the others think that you are an embarrasing old coot, so you probably wouldn’t want to come.  Maybe another time, okay?”)

But the article also noted that the secret is out on these clandestine meetings, as conservatives progressively are becoming more and more emboldened.

I hear that they are so emboldened that one of them dared to tell the Wash Times that they’re here, they’re against queers, and Hollywood should get used to them secretly not caring about the rain forest.

In a so-called age of tolerance, it amazes me just how intolerant some people are of those who stand for traditional values. For example, if I stand against California’s memorializing of Harvey Milk Day or stand for California’s Proposition 8, which would create an amendment to the California Constitution to safeguard heterosexual purity in marriage (which I do support and encourage Gov. Schwarzenegger and all Californians to do the same), I’m considered by many to be intolerant and a bigot.

Aw, now who would consider Chuck to be intolerant just for trying to safeguard heterosexual purity by denying other people the right to marry?

But if another actor takes just the opposite positions on those measures, he is considered to be compassionate and a liberator.

It’s true!  All of California hails our friend Actor212 as a Liberator (“El Libertador212,” they call him) for not supporting Prop. 8.

Or when a liberal candidate, such as Hillary Clinton, runs for president, her candidacy is considered a fulfillment of civil rights and women’s suffrage. But when a conservative candidate, such as Sarah Palin, runs for vice president, she’s considered a radical right-wing extremist who could usurp the Capitol by toting rifles at her side.

Okay, it’s time for Chuck to take his nap now.  (He gets a little worked up when he thinks about a rifle-toting Sarah Palin taking over the Capitol, much as the bazooka-toting Cubans took over a Miami mall in Invasion USA).  But here’s a parting thought for you to mull over as you go about your business.

This is America, and we should respect the fact that we will have strong, diverse opinions, and we must allow one another the freedom of speech to air such opines, not suppress them through peer pressure of any type like children.

So, no more peer pressure of any type, Hollywood!  You totally accept the conservatives or there will be no dessert for anyone! 

Townhall Tissue Samples

Posted by scott on September 29th, 2008

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by work at the moment and don’t have sufficient excess vim to give the wingnauts a thorough exam, so I thought I’d just grab a pencil flash and a cotton swab and check the interior of their mouths for cankers, abscesses, and inflamed punditry.

Obama and the Reagan Doctrine, by Dinesh D’Souza: “In his debate with John McCain, Barack Obama’s attempted to portray the Bush administration as a complete failure both in domestic and foreign policy. This argument, however, is running into one big problem: Bush’s Iraq policy appears to be succeeding.”

Paging King Pyrrhus…Pyrrhus of Epirus to the white courtesy phone, please…

Obama’s Salary Should be Applied to Bailout $$$, by Nina May, who says Barack Obama has not been showing up to work, so we, his supervisors, should fire him, but he’s black so we’d probably get sued, but let’s at least dock his salary and give him a written warning in the form of a ballot with the words “John McCain” written on it.  Oh, and abortion doctors at Planned Parenthood are sacrificing fetuses to Mammon to pay for their subprime mortgages, so we should take away their government funding and give it to Wall Street.  Also, let’s close some of those government agencies and sell off their office furniture and telephone equipment.  Like HUD!  All that bunch does is force Christians to rent rooms to Negroes and homosexuals, so nobody’s gonna miss that.  And the Department of Energy; all they do is tell me I can’t take my kids to the beach for a day of romping in the surf and drilling for oil.  Look, the money we save from renting philodendrons and buying fax paper for the FDA will cover the costs of bailing out AIG alone!

No Cheers for the Bailout: Ron Paul Interview, by Bill Steigerwald:  The McCain campaign won’t let me talk to Sarah Palin, but I did manage to snag a plum interview with a lonely crackpot who wants to return America to the gold standard.  Guess what?  Doctrinaire libertarians are opposed to nationalizing the banks!

McCain’s Navy, by Harry R. Jackson, Jr.:  I have no idea what the title of my own article means.  But I do know this — if John McCain doesn’t summon all his septugenarian strength and continue to act like a desperate, crazily erratic, and mean-spirited old prick, a whole generation of young conservatives are in danger of losing their idealism.

How to Solve the Gas Panic, by Neal Boortz:  I’ve discovered that finding an open gas station at 3:30 A.M. can be inconvenient, so I guess I agree there’s an oil crisis.  But don’t panic; and remember that in this situation, as in all previous oil crises, there is only one moral response:  price gouging.

McCain’s Trump Card, by Dick Morris and date:  McCain stupidly failed to oppose the bailout during the debate, despite previously suspending his campaign and making a huge show of returning to Washington with the stated goal of facilitating the negotiations and ensuring a bailout.  He’s a stupid, stupid man.  But his running mate does have lovely feet.

Well, looks like my Petri dish runneth over.  More later.

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Great Debate Hangover Edition

Posted by scott on September 27th, 2008

We all deal with the stress of this political season in different ways.  Riley, for instance, copes by taking bong hits off Mary’s running shoes:


“I am so baked right now…”

While Moondoggie passes the time by getting himself into one wacky sitcom predicament after another:


“Oh.  Hi.  I didn’t see you — what?  Your cable’s out?  Well now that’s odd…”

They’ve Brought Back Absinthe Just In Time For The Debates

Posted by scott on September 26th, 2008

drinkers11.jpgFor the last couple presidential debates I’ve requested a general anaesthetic, but since Bush isn’t involved this time, I’m going to try to get through this thing with just a local.  And with that in mind, we’re mixing cocktails and deciding which of the many blogger-suggested drinking games to play.  Since this is the first of several debates, I’m thinking of starting out easy this time and just taking a swig every time a melanoma breaks out on John McCain’s face.  But you probably have better ideas (and maybe some appropriate cocktail recipes), so consider the comments an open forum on Athenian democracy and alcohol toxemia.

With Shills Like This, Who Needs Enemies?

Posted by s.z. on September 25th, 2008

Well-known toe-sucker Dick Morris, and Eileen McGann, who is apparently his court-mandated social worker or something, have used their Town Hall column to flack for Bill O’Reilly’s latest book.  But either they are really bad flacks, or they actually dislike Bill as much as everybody else does, because it’s a really inept effort.

But hey, let’s give it a look and you can see what you think.

Dick Morris and Eileen McGann :Where Did Bill O’Reilly Come From? 

It’s time for the really scary ”birds and the bees” talk, kids.

Before or after every speech I ever give, somebody asks me: “What is O’Reilly really like?”

And then they say, “He can’t be as big a jerk in real life as he is on TV, can he?”

My answer is always the same: “What you see on television is what you get off camera. It’s the same guy.”

So, yes, he is that big of a jerk.

That much is obvious to anyone who knows him. But what was less clear to me is where he came from.

Yeah, with Bill claiming that he came from Levitown, but his mother assuring the Washington Post that he was actually raised in Westbury, Long Island, a “middle-class suburb a few miles from Levitown,” it is kind of confusing.

A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity, O’Reilly’s memoir, answers the question. O’Reilly, it seems, was made not born into his philosophy, rather, his values and personae were hammered into shape like a horseshoe, the blows coming not from a blacksmith’s hammer, but from life on the quintessentially American streets of Levittown.

So, Bill got beat up a lot, and the resulting anger, resentment, and insecurity fueled Bill’s values and “philosophy.” (If only he had received some therapy, maybe he could have developed a normal personae.)

Interspersing stories of his youth with bloviation on topics like the quality of courage and the necessity for self-reliance,

Um, Dick, you DO know that “bloviation” (“to speak or write verbosely and windily”) isn’t a good thing, right?

. . . O’Reilly makes it clear that his experiences are his philosophy, his biography is his message.

And his message is the medium, and his medium is Fox News.  So, you’ve been warned.

Does he believe in resourcefulness and ingenuity?

No, but he does believe that black people are mostly dishonest, brown people are all illegal aliens, and Santa Claus is baby Jesus’s father.

Does he look down on the nanny state? It all harks back to his job as a kid painting houses. When his buddy dropped a bucket of white paint on a client’s bush, he sawed down the newly decorated plant, replaced it with various branches he collected, quickly cashed the check and was off. When the client noticed that something about the front of his house looked different, O’Reilly hastened to credit his paint job, not the missing bush.

So, Bill believes in covering up mistakes, lying to those who trusted you, never admitting fault even in the face of overwhelming evidence, and bilking people for whatever you can get away with (as long as the “nanny state,” with its pesky consumer protection agencies, can’t find track you down).  No wonder his “philosophy” resonates with people like Dick.

‘Reilly was not the bookish sort.

In fact, he still doesn’t know how to read.  

He had no particular interest in anything having to do with the outside world as he grew up.

Hey, he and Sarah Palin must be soul mates.

He was a borderline hooligan

with borderline personality disorder.

 … who Irish mothers must have suspected of “devilment.” The title of his book comes from how Sister Lurana described him in grade school.

Yes, Bill and his sister attended private school.  Let’s not forget that, as we read about his underprivileged life on the mean streets of Long Island.

Most autobiographies relate uncommon stories of great men and women.

But Bill’s relates common stories about a petty, commonplace man.  And that’s why you should buy it!

We ponder how the extraordinary influences of their early life matured them and led to who they have become since. In O’Reilly’s case, his Levittown upbringing was the suburban equivalent of Tom Sawyer’s. Instead of painting fences, as Mark Twain’s character did, he paints houses “coated with slatelike shingles” leaving very little wood trim to work with.

Actually, Tom didn’t paint those fences, his dupes did.  And is a charmless, grown-up Tom Sawyer really the person who should be angrily scolding everyone else about their moral failings?

But Levittown was a suburban jungle, the very sameness of its houses seeming to spur rebellion in its youth.

LOL!  Bill O’Reilly is James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause.  He is Sidney Poitier in Blackboard Jungle.  He is the monkeyman in George of the Jungle!  No wonder all the women he meets want him to sexually harass them.

O’Reilly was one of those kids who led adults to despair of the coming generation: out for trouble and self-absorbed, a restless rogue. Yet each of his experiences seems to have spawned a philosophy which, in turn shaped a political outlook. He is not driven by polls, but by personal experience.

Yeah, every self-centered, socially deviant street thug has a personal philosophy too, but they don’t usually get to repeatedly interview the President of the United States.

His background has left him with an internal compass that always helps him to find his way.

As the Bible says, broad is the path and easy is the way that leads to hell.

Al Gore grew up in a Washington DC hotel room while his Dad served in the Senate. Bill O’Reilly grew up in a small house in Levittown while his father was exploited by the Calltex Oil Company, trapped in a badly paying job he hated.

Well, Bill’s dad was making $35,000 a year when he retired in 1978, which is about $92,000 in today’s dollars, so he wasn’t all that badly paid (except in comparison with Bill).  But he was a mean drunk whom I’m sure did hate his job, his life, and his son – so yes,  Al Gore did have a much better preparation for life than Bill did.

And that has made all the difference for both men.

Denied any exposure to reality as he grew up, Gore substituted ideology for experience, science for reality.

“Science” being mythical mumbo-jumbo with no relation at all to real stuff. 

And sure, Gore worked summers as a field hand on the family farm, helping to grow hay and tobacco and raise cattle, but he wasn’t a self-absorbed restless rogue, so what does he know of reality?  And Gore only served as an enlisted man in the U.S. Army during the Vietnam War, while Bill saw combat in the Falklands, so it’s clear which guy has had the realest life.

O’Reilly lived a life just like those he calls the “folks” and always roots his spiels in the world from whence he came.

So, if you’re looking for spiels, rants, and tirades rooted in the world of an angry, self-centered, anti-intellectual, bullying Everyman, then Bill’s are the ones for you!

What is Bill O’Reilly really like? Levittown.

That is to say, cheap, mass-produced, and racially-exclusive.

Today’s Chuckle, From Phyllis Schlafly

Posted by s.z. on September 23rd, 2008

China Poisons Its Infant Formula

The China infant milk scandal, even though it has so far not damaged any American babies, has exposed a major defect in the concept of free trade. It’s dangerous to buy products from a nation whose economy is not based on Judeo-Christian morality.

Yeah, take that, Japan, with your dangerous, non-Christian Honda Accords and your shoddy, non-Judeo electronics!

The American private enterprise system depends on honesty as normal and accepted behavior. We don’t have or want a policeman on every corner, or an army of government officials to inspect every bottle of baby formula or tube of toothpaste.We do have regulations and random checks, but the majority of producers and sellers are restrained from criminality by adherence to the Judeo-Christian ethic.  

It’s nice to know that the 108-year-old Phyllis is just as sharp as she’s ever been.

Gov. Palin To Stalk World Leaders

Posted by scott on September 22nd, 2008

In a frantic effort to burnish her national security credentials, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is flying to New York for the opening of the United Nations General Assembly, where she plans to go on a whirlwind shopping spree of foreign dignitaries.

Over the course of just 30 hours in New York City starting on Tuesday, the Republican vice-presidential nominee is scheduled to meet with seven world leaders…Afghan President Hamid Karzai, Colombian President Alvaro Uribe and former secretary of state Henry Kissinger, Palin will hold separate private talks with Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, Pakistani President Ali Zardari, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili, Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko…

This still leaves her short of Biden’s score, however, so Governor Palin plans to supplement her experience by pretending to confer with the leaders of several fictitious countries, including the King of Ruritania from The Prisoner of Zenda, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick from The Mouse That Roared, and the Grand Exalted High Macha of Raspur from What’s Up, Tiger Lily?  She’s also bringing a pair of high-powered Zeiss binoculars to scan the grounds of the U.N. for migratory potentates, and according to the rules of birdwatching she’s entitled to log such encounters as “meetings,” so long as the foreign officials match their description in the field guide and she doesn’t get close enough to disturb their nests.

Meanwhile, the McCain campaign continues to insist that governing a state which shares a maritime border with Russia qualifies as experience in foreign affairs, although at least one aide admits that it’s “metaphorical” experience.

A senior campaign aide who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity admitted that Palin’s knowledge of Russia may be limited to the way someone from Miami might obtain a general feel for Latin America.

“It is very much being able to look off the tip of Alaska,” the aide said. “Metaphorically, I’m talking about.”

Each day of this campaign seems to bring us closer and closer to a wholly imaginary presidency, and personally, I can’t wait.  The only time you’ll ever have to hear about administration policies is when you and your friends are sitting around a campfire, trying to scare each other.  Dick Cheney will remain hidden in the bowels of the earth, appearing only when the Senate majority leader says his name three times into a mirror so he can break a tie.  And the President will live on largely in myth and legend, glimpsed only occasionally and from a distance as he strides to his helicopter, like those shaky, out of focus Bigfoot films.

Join us, and pledge your support now!  Sasquatch / Chupacabra 2008!

More That I Wanted to Know

Posted by s.z. on September 22nd, 2008

Here’s a candid admission from our friend Dr.Mike S. Adams:

Just a few Fridays ago I got the good news about the addition of Sarah Palin to the 2008 Republican ticket. I was so excited I fired off a few rounds from my assault rifle …

“This is my rifle, this is my gun.
One is for masturbating with as I peruse moose-hunting weather girl porn, the other is for shooting any of my neighbors who might possibly be terrorists.”

You know, I have to assume that Dr. Mike knows how creepy he sounds, but just doesn’t care. Anyway, the rest of the article is supposed to be the party line about how “feminists” are big hypocrites because they don’t support Sarah Palin, a WOMAN, just because Palin opposes everything they believe in.  But Dr. Mike can’t resist veering off tangent to tattle on his colleagues in the sociology/criminology department (all apparently feminists) who don’t like the provost, and yet lack the balls to get their own Townhall column to complain about him.  Even if you happen to be the provost in question, I think you’ll find the column tedious and boring. 

So, read it if you want to, but I’m going to bed.

Kitten Blogging

Posted by s.z. on September 20th, 2008

Well, I still don’t know how to publish decent-quality photos using WorldPress, but here is a tiny snap of two of the new babies.

And here’s their story:

This morning I got a call about a woman who lives near me who had some kittens she wanted us (the rescue) to pick up.  It seems that she found them in box in the creek behind her house last night.  There were 6 of them, but one had already drowned.   Yes, people here DO put kittens in dumpsters, in gunny sacks, in the river, etc.  That’s why my state was solidly for Bush/Cheney.  Anyway, the woman who found them didn’t want them in the house (she claims she’s allergic), so she left them in a high-sided vacuum cleaner box on her porch.  She checked on this morning, and two of the kittens were gone, as was their blanket.  She thinks that one of her neighbors heard them crying and took two home to care for them.  I’m hoping that that’s what happened.

They are cute little things, but they are just babies (maybe 4 weeks old), and not fully weaned.  They were starving when I got these three home (the woman who found them gave them cow’s milk in a bowl, but they didn’t know what to do with it).   So, I put them in my bathroom and gave them kitten formula, and they drank until their little tummies were as round as Jonah’s.  Maybe I will name one of them Jonah in his honor.

So, that’s how the Wall Street crash is affecting kittens.