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Archive for the 'Live from the Asylum' Category

Atlas Bugs

Posted by scott on July 15th, 2010

Over at American Thinker, Pam Geller tells us that The October Surprise is Coming.

The October Surprise. We all know it’s coming. In what shape, idea, form — who’s to say? Evil always surprises.

Indeed it does.  Evil once told me it needed help getting a pool noodle out of the rain gutter because it had a bad hip and couldn’t use the stepladder, but when I went around to the backyard I discovered this story was a total lie and that Evil was actually luring me to a surprise party.

Its goals are constant, the ultimate objective never changes, but inevitably it manifests itself as the savior of the day, the savior of man.

Apparently “Evil” is just a pseudonym Jesus used when checking into hotels on the road.

The 2008 Democrat October Surprise that ushered in the first hardcore radical post-American president in American history was the “economic collapse.” Oh yes, that was a beaut.

The Obama Treasury Department managed to undermine the entire U.S. banking system by using that Mission: Impossible rubber mask technology to impersonate the Bush Treasury Department!  It’s the perfect crime!

The time before that, the moochers and the looters tried to fake Bush documents — except that the conservative blogosphere caught them red-handed, so they missed their mark.

Yes, Ethan Hunt (code name: Hindrocket) unmasked Jim Phelps, revealing that he was really in cahoots with Minnie the Moocher and funneling state secrets to…Cab Calloway, I’m guessing?

And then before that, they conspired with the Iranian mullahs to keep American embassy personnel hostage until after the election!  But I think they actually got away with that one…

But the party of haters, infiltrators, anti-capitalists, the party that is anti-freedom and anti-individual rights, is going to have to pull off something really catastrophic to stay in power this November. And they will, because it is abundantly clear now that they despise the premise of America and they mean to replace it with statism, the source of untold, incomprehensible human misery for centuries.

Pam, as we see here, is a master of the British art of understatement.

We have a long and terrible fight in front of us. The fight is as big as the idea, the foundation, the being of this great nation, the fight for America. Yes, it’s as big as all that, and the enemy is ruthless, unscrupulous, and evil — and willing to do whatever it takes to assume absolute control. They build nothing, produce nothing, create nothing, invent nothing.

Unlike bloggers and vloggers, who harnessed the kind of traditional American ingenuity that produced the corn sheller and the detachable collar, and invented the practice of smashing consonants into the front of the word “log.”

They steal. They demand. They demoralize. They are destroyers.

Basically, they’re Remo Williams, but whinier and more depressing.

What will October’s Surprise be? Political analyst Jack Wheeler has an idea. “A Second Great Depression,” he says, “is the Democrat Party’s path to power”

Wait — who the hell is Jack Wheeler?

The Wall Street Journal called him “the originator of the Reagan Doctrine”. The Washington Post called him “The Indiana Jones of the Right”.

What if you had a “Personal Source” for understanding what’s really going on in the world? Now you do.He’s Dr. Jack Wheeler, and for only about 29 cents a day, he’ll give you mind-stretching pro-America insights on our lives, our politics, and our world that you just aren’t going to get anywhere else.

Among the mind-stretching pro-America insights you’ll receive for your two-bits and change:

All forms of leftism and liberalism are based on an atavistic belief in Black Magic. All are based on the primitive fear of the envious Evil Eye.

Russia is doomed as a culture due to its inheritance of Mongol concepts of justice and equality.

But they did inherit a tasty BBQ recipe.

The only Americans who owe reparations to the descendants of slaves are the descendants of slave owners. These people are one and the same, i.e., American blacks are a racial mix of white slave owner and black slave. Blacks owe reparations to themselves.

Well, the white part of themselves owe reparations to the other 3/5s.

The next insanity to come in the homosexual assault on the American Family will be PHM: Polygamous Homosexual Marriage. Pathologically promiscuous homosexuals will consider their “marriage” a legalism that will in no way prevent them from adultery en masse. To maintain the pretense of “marriage” however, they will have to quickly begin agitating for the legalization of group sodomization as “just another form of the married life-style”.

On the bright side, it should spice up that question-and-answer segment on The Newlywed Game.

The “Original Jurisdiction” clause in the Constitution (Article III, Section 2, Clause 2) offers a way to quickly obliterate Roe v. Wade and teach the Supreme Court a lesson it badly needs to learn: to never again invent non-existent rights in The Constitution.

Well that’s a relief; I was afraid Dr. Jack might be some kind of a kook.  Let’s explore his 29¢ insights further…


She Stoops to Blog

Posted by scott on April 20th, 2010

I’m pretty tired today, and have a still-unfinished script burning a hole in my harddrive, so let’s just take a quick peek at Townhall. Up first is Bill Murchison, the “senior columns writer for The Dallas Morning News.”
On “Demonizing” the Government

By the weekend, Bill Clinton and Rush Limbaugh were going after each other with bung starters and busted beer bottles.

Okay, not to toot my own horn, but I do get around, and that is without a doubt the worst slash fiction I’ve ever read.

Moving on, let’s check in with Janet “Johnny” LaRue:
Obama’s “Mainstream” Nominee

Justice John Paul Stevens’ announced retirement from the Supreme Court has Democrats singing their old stand-by, “Down by the Old Mainstream.” Their backup band in the mainstream media is tuning up their golden oldie, “It Don’t Mean a Thing If Ain’t Got That Swing,” as in a nominee who swings only left.

When it comes to pop culture references, Janet has her finger firmly on the pulse of a medical school cadaver. I just hope no one in her target audience was waxing his mustache or sipping a Sack Posset when he read that, or Janet’s going to owe somebody a steampunk keyboard.

Okay, let’s very carefully inch open the door of delirious neo-con Frank Gaffney’s office at the Center for Security Policy, and see if we can catch him when he’s not masturbating into the mouth of a ceramic Ronald Reagan coin bank.

When Ed Meese Speaks

There is arguably no more influential conservative in America today than former Reagan Attorney General Edwin Meese.

Crap, we did catch him at an awkward moment. Still, it’s not any crazier than all the shit Frank Booth said when he was inhaling nitrous oxide and dry-humping Isabella Rossellini.

To paraphrase an old marketing slogan, when Ed Meese talks, people listen.

But they quickly realize he’s hard to jerk off to, and they wind up turning, tragically, to the even more disappointing Clinton/Limbaugh slash porn.

Instead, let’s look in on David R. Stokes, “an author, columnist, broadcaster, and Senior Pastor of Fair Oaks Church in Fairfax, Virginia,” and see if he can get through an opening paragraph without laving the perineum of a former attorney general.

A National Day of Humiliation

Apparently not.

Of course, it will be appealed and wind its way through a process of judicial, if not national debate before all is said and done, but the mind fairly boggles at the arrogant absurdity of a court in this land ruling the National Day of Prayer unconstitutional. Back when George W. Bush occupied the Oval Office, the radical anti-theist group (read: atheists on steroids), “Freedom From Religion,” filed a lawsuit and the toxic seed planted then has now borne poisonous fruit. Stay tuned.

…for another exciting episode of The Shadow.

I know it’s fashionable these days to bash-Bush, blaming the man and his administration for all the ills our current leaders find to be overwhelming and resistant to their heady scheme-dreams, but our 43rd President is a man of passionate faith.

Your writing blows skunk-chunks.

Sometimes he’s accused of wearing his faith on his sleeve, but personally I find that to be preferable to politicians who always seem to have something up their sleeves.

There’s only one reasonable compromise: before any major announcement or bill-signing, the President should be required to tear off his sleeves, like Bullwinkle.

I had the privilege the other day of receiving a nice note from Mr. Bush.

The note said: “A case of Shiner Light, Two sixpacks of St. Arnold Amber Ale, a quart of vodka, two boxes of Turning Leaf Chardonnay, two cases of Cabo Wabo Tequila Anejo, and a bottle of sour mix.” He obviously mistook me for Big Daddy’s Liquor Beer on Marsh Lane, which has free home delivery, but still, gotta admit — it was pretty nice.

In the note, along with kind words about the book, he said something that I find quite timely in light of the news about the ruling by Judge Barbara Crabb in U.S. District Court (a Jimmy Carter appointee, by the way)—something about prayer

Not exactly sure what, as the handwriting was illegible and the notepaper was stained with tears and vomit, and something that’s either bouillon or urine, I’m can’t really tell, but I had to spray a little Febreze around my office. Anyway, I’m almost certain it was something very nice about prayer.

Certainly, I understand that he was talking about personal prayers, not necessarily public ones, and that there is nothing in the current court ruling banning private prayer. Duh. I get that.

In addition to his accomplishments as an author, columnist, broadcaster, and Senior Pastor, Mr. Stokes is also a sophomore at Sweet Valley High.

Our current president and his sometimes profane pals seem to be very uncomfortable with any form of pious-speak, and downright out of place in any role requiring lip-service to faith.

Is pastor-speak always so hyper-hyphenated?

Religion—well, let’s be fair, anything related to Christian or Jewish religion—is increasingly being relegated to stepchild status. In the case of Islam, exceptions are made all the time, of course.

Remember when you used to be able to get the Early Bird Special at The Sizzler at like 4 PM? Well not anymore, thanks to Ramadan!

I would appeal to President Barack Hussein Obama

Sorry, but Obama likes his men the way he likes his coffee: black and less hyphenated.

…to reach back beyond his Muslim, Marxist, and Liberation Theology (which is to real Christianity as anthrax is to sugar)

Now I’m hungry for a big bowl of Kellogg’s Anthrax Smacks. Served by Fruit Brute, because I’m into bears, and any other outré forms of sexuality that would drive people like Mr. Stokes and Mr. Gaffney to fits of moral outrage coupled with the kind of repulsion, digust, and uncontrollable priapism that would lead a guy to make two, maybe even three deposits a day in the Bank of Dutch, if you know what I mean.

Teach A Man To Fish And You Starve Him For A Lifetime

Posted by scott on March 12th, 2010


If you’ve noticed the smell of burning hair, relax — you didn’t accidentally toss your Red Baron™ Biscuit-Style Breakfast Pizza in the pet taxi, and your cat in the Toaster Oven this morning. No, it’s just RenewAmerica froth merchant Sher Zieve, who has observed the progress (if we may use that word without provoking a rash of snorts and rude gestures) of health care reform, and who, as a result, is now hosting a smoldering rage beneath her mop of Cousin Oliver hair.

Obama openly rules against the will of the governed and now their lives

The ObamaCare “healthcare” bill — which has little to nothing to do with health — will begin the establishment of his and the Marxist-Democrats’ permanent dictatorship in the United States of America. At least 100 (that’s one-hundred, folks)

Sher spells it out as a courtesy, since a large portion of her audience won’t read Arabic numerals on principle. No clue about the hyphen, though.

…new agencies are included in the ObamaCare monstrosity. These are agencies the Obama, his Marxist and his Maoist co-conspirators have included for the establishment of [their] total control over the American people.

Also not sure about the brackets. Maybe punctuation at RenewAmerica is like funding at government agencies — they have to use it all up by the end of the fiscal year (that would certainly explain the recent run on exclamation points). Anyway, The Obama is a 1978 film (originally titled The Manitou) starring Tony Curtis and Stella Stevens, which is apparently about the horrors of the Canadian health care system, since it was shot in British Columbia, and Burgess Meredith, Jon Cedar, and Paul Mantee all play doctors.

This is, of course, a deliberately executed atrocity

Which I actually prefer, because there’s nothing more vexing in the immediate aftermath of an atrocity than to hear the perpetrator say, “oops.”

In previous columns I’ve written about Soviet Dictator Josef Stalin who committed genocide on the Ukrainian people via mass starvation. Stalin began by regulating the food the Ukrainians were allowed to have, then he shipped all of the wheat they had raised to other countries and ended with his goons invading Ukrainian houses and removing every last morsel of food in each and every home.

The parallels to budget reconciliation are uncanny.

This resulted in the deaths of between 3,000,000-7,000,000 (that’s Millions, folks)

Thanks, Sher. But if you suspect your audience is illiterate, is closed captioning really the solution?

To this day, the numbers are still not known with certainty. Stalin’s thugs buried the bodies in massive graves, then covered them up with tons and tons of dirt.

This has made obtaining an accurate body count difficult, because Stalin’s thugs buried the Ukrainians so deep that their remains got mixed up with all those fossils Satan planted to make us believe in evolution.

Fox News and a few other not-completely-controlled-by-the-dictator news sources are reporting that US citizens may or will soon be prohibited from fishing the nation’s oceans, coastal waters, Great Lakes and even inland waters. That’s everywhere, folks.

I swear, the above sentence on proposed fishing regulations is in the very same paragraph as the stuff about the genocide of the kulaks.

And Robert Montgomery from ESPNOutdoors.com writes: “The Obama administration has ended public input for a federal strategy that could prohibit U.S. citizens from fishing some of the nation’s oceans, coastal areas, Great Lakes, and even inland waters.” Obama also recently dictated — in the manner of a real and true tyrant — that ALL input from the public on this matter has ended and will not be accepted by the tyrant and/or his administration. Could this be Obama’s clever take on the “Stalin Ukrainian problem Solution?” Is this the beginning of the Obama Opposition Solution? Looks like it.

Will Obama’s thugs invade American’s homes and remove every last morsel of fish? Looks like it.

The only real “solution” to any hope of restoring our now defunct republic is the removal from office of all Marxists, Marxist and Maoist wannabees contained within the Executive branch

A Marxist and a Marxists are similar, but a Marxists is even worse, because he’s plurals.

… and all willing Obama Congressional schemers — on both the Senate and US House of Representatives side — from office. It will need to be very soon or we as a country will have been murdered by The Obama and his willing adherents and We-the-People will no longer exist.

La Zieve is serious!

Communist Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)

Who would appreciate it if you would use her proper title: Chairwoman of the Presidium.

…is reported by a congressman to have recently said that she will push ObamaCare through in “any way possible.” Perhaps what’s left of We-the-People should consider her statement toward the application of ridding ourselves of her and her colleagues who are embroiled in the destruction of the USA. What do you think?

I think you’re getting a little mealy-mouthed, Sher. You used to end every column with the ominous question, “Still feeling peaceful?” Now you’re trying to foment revolution by suggesting that we “should consider her statement toward the application of ridding ourselves of her and her colleagues”? Okey dokey, thanks for the Politburo boilerplate, Commissar.

Obama to end fishing by humans in USA

Even worse, he plans to introduce humaning by fish (probably by tampering in God’s domain and accelerating the evolution of salmon until they become carnivorous bipeds with a yen for booty, pretty much the way it happened in Humanoids From The Deep). But not everyone is taking this lying down; somewhere in Minnesota, Babe Winkelman is staring into a trout stream and willing himself to undergo an Incredible Mr. Limpet-style transformation, hopefully in time for the debut of his new show, Good Humaning, this fall on the Versus network..

Brave, Brave Sir Robin

Posted by scott on November 18th, 2009

For those of us who hunt the wild wingnut, American Thinker is a primeval forest rich in old growth stupidity and large, slow-moving game.  Unfortunately, some of its inhabitants — as we’ve seen — have a tendency to go stark raving Pepe Le Pew at the first whiff of doe estrus, so there’s always a chance that you will drive away, not with a trophy roped to your roof, but with a desperate fame whore clinging to your rear bumper.  Other native species may exhibit symptoms of hydrophobia, or worse, signs of a psychology degree, which is why I generally give Charles Krauthammer a wide berth, and why I’ve always avoided Robin of Berkeley.  Until now.

Robin is, according to his or her bio, “[a] frequent AT contributor” and “a psychotherapist and a recovering liberal in Berkeley,” which to me conjures one word: gamey.  Additionally, anyone who goes by the nom de plume “Robin of Berkeley” is probably a , and the last thing I need right now is some guy in a kilt and a puffy pirate shirt heaving beanbags at me while screaming “lightning bolt!  Lightning bolt!“  Still, Robin raises a serious issue and deserves, I believe, a sincere and thoughtful response.

It’s a chilling moment when the light goes out in someone’s eyes. A once-radiant child hardens from abuse. A woman’s heart shrinks after her husband’s abandonment.

The person looks the same, maybe acts the same. But something is gone, and what’s lost is irretrievable. It’s like when a person dies: in a heartbeat, the soul vanishes.

I witnessed this alteration recently when I visited my goddaughter, a radiant girl. Her mom, a hardcore progressive, has started exposing her to the darkest elements of the left. And the last time I looked in the girl’s eyes, the light had gone out. Disappeared. Just like that.

It’s certainly bizarre how the light seems to go out of the girl’s eyes every time Robin walks into the room.  It must be that dolphin-friendly tuna her mom bought.

I see this phenomenon every day: a light dimming. The friendly shopkeeper snaps at me. My cheerful neighbor seems flattened.

Yeah, that’s a pretty weird coincidence.  It’s almost as if there were some common denominator between all these people who suddenly look depressed when they see you coming.

Last week, an esteemed Columbia University black architecture professor punched a white female coworker in the eye for not doing more about white privilege.

And that was hardly an isolated incident — unlike, say, a black man being arrested in his own home for talking back to a white cop.

He has no history of violence. So why now?

Why now? This may be the most important question of our time. Why are some people reaching the boiling point? Why do many others look vacant, like an Invasion of the Body Snatchers? The shootings at military bases, from Little Rock to Fort Hood — why now?

It’s Obama, of course.

Crap, and I guessed it was Colonel Mustard.

Liberals will excoriate me for writing this.

Well, if by “excoriate” you mean “laugh ourselves just slightly past the point of incontinence,” then yeah, you might want to grab a poncho and prepare for a shower of excoriation.

But study the phenomenon of cults, and the dynamics are always the same. The leader can incite violence without ever getting his hands dirty. Obama is controlling the marionette of the masses.

It was bad enough when Obama was merely a charismatic presidential candidate, but now that he’s Commander in Chief, he has access to Super-Marionation.  And even if he doesn’t take away our guns, what chance do We The People stand against the Thunderbirds and Super Car?

If Obamamania is a cult, then Obama is the cult leader.

Exactly.  And if American Thinker exists to promote the decriminalization of sex with South American camelids, such as alpacas, llamas, vicuñas and guanacos, then a pundit who writes for American Thinker is a person who likes to make the alpaca with two backs.  Q.E.D.

Cult leaders routinely pull the strings of their followers.

This can be awkward for all involved, especially if their followers are having their period.

The most extreme example is Charles Manson. He rots in prison for murders he never committed. He didn’t have to do the dirty work. His brainwashed charges did his bidding.

I’m not saying Obama is a Charles Manson.

“I’ve just found that, as a psychotherapist, it’s helpful to talk using the most extreme examples possible.  It puts people at ease.”

As soon as Obama came on the scene, the programming began. His face was plastered everywhere like Mao. In his speeches, Obama lulled audiences with a melodious voice and feel-good phrases repeated over and over. And he began inciting people with his charming smile.

Flashing a charming smile is like burning a cross — that’s why there was so much mob violence during the Carter Administration.

First, the vultures starting swooping down on Hillary. Obama chose not to call off the dogs.

Personally, I would have called off the vultures, but I’m not a cult leader, and my smile is at best merely pleasant.

Then thugs invaded caucuses. Again, silence.

Well yeah, but why would Obama care about thugs in the caucasus?  He’s not even caucasian.

Which led to vicious misogyny against Sarah Palin and threats on her life. From Obama: not a peep.

Maybe he could lend her some of his highly trained attack vultures.

We even saw armed thugs at polling places.

The lesson?  Always vote before you take the mushrooms.

Ignored and not prosecuted by Obama’s Attorney General.

And Animal Control still hasn’t done anything about that chupacabra in my back yard.

The moment Obama became president, he upped the signals.

As opposed to Bush, who just pirated cable.

At the swearing in, the entire family eerily chose to wear black and red, colors associated with communism and black nationalism.


I know colorblindness can make it difficult to obtain a pilot’s license, but apparently it’s no impediment to practicing psychotherapy.

Obama returned Britain’s gift of a Winston Churchill statue while embracing dictators.

Which is why he could only give the dictators that one-armed “bro” hug.

He gave a white police officer a dressing down for doing his job, in effect calling him a racist.

Then he gave him a beer for coming to the White House, in effect calling him an alcoholic.

Obama’s greatest magic trick?

Making the world he believe he doesn’t exist.  Oh, wait — no, that’s the Devil.  Or Keyser Söze.

Brainwashing the masses to believe that racism is a greater danger than radical Islam, and that Obama himself is in constant peril.

Pah!  Who’d want to hurt a cult leader who makes the country feel vacant and reminds them of Charles Manson?

Thus, more and more people are finding themselves on the receiving end of a fist, figurative or literal. After the White House released a directive for his followers to strike back hard, a frail, diabetic black man at a Town Hall was beaten up.

Even women can get slugged in the face. Obama signaled during the primary that women were fair game.

Obama’s master plan is diabolical, but brilliant: by using his smile to incite white people to beat up black men, and black men to beat up white women, he improves the odds that health care reform will emerge from the conference committee with a robust public option.

The American Hard Left knows how to create a cult because it is a cult, one with a violent history. The Black Panthers, Symbionese Liberation Army, Weathermen, Black Muslims — all nefarious cults.

The Ku Klux Klan, The Order, Aryan Nations, the Michigan Militia, the Moonies, the Minutemen American Defense, the Glenn Beck Show…Say, this is fun!

Members of the Weathermen, for instance, had their spirits broken through forced wickedness, such as animal abuse.  Patty Hearst morphed into bank robber Tania after weeks of isolation, rape, and beatings by the SLA.   Huey P. Newton sent his Black Panthers to the hospital or to the grave if they didn’t practice total obedience.

So in Robin’s mind, losing an election is equivalent to being beaten and raped.  If nothing else, these are the kinds of insights that make for a very lively therapy session.

The Left has an insatiable need to control every aspect of our lives.

But there’s a deeper reason, one much more insidious.

The Left wants to tear Americans down. Just as the Weatherman did to those naïve lost kids, they want to break our spirits. This goal of degradation is more crucial than their one-world government.

The progressives want to turn us into them, to make us feel as deprived and depraved and deadened. It’s the only way that they can silence the roar of shame and self-loathing.

Robin was apparently absent the day they covered “projection” in Psych 101.

What they don’t understand is this: it’s not going to happen. There are too many of us who won’t be hypnotized.

We can see right through them. We know who they are: the most piteous of human beings, and the most dangerous. Men without a country, orphans far from home. The forsaken and disowned.

They’re “hungry ghosts,” to use a Tibetan phrase: tormented beings who are starving to death from their inner nothingness.

“Sit down, Jenny, I’m glad you came to me for help.  As I understand it, you were sexually abused by a camp counselor, but I think your real problem stems from your mother’s support for the public option.  That’s the kind of progressive thinking that leaves a once-radiant girl depraved and deadened inside.  Is your mom in favor of gay marriage?  Yeah?  Well no wonder you’re roaring with shame and self-loathing, what with that kind of forced wickedness going on in the house.  Yes, yes, I know you were raped, but it’s not like you lost 21 seats in the house and 7 in the Senate, so quit trying to up the signals!  Now, speaking as your therapist, I want to put this delicately, and in the most extreme way I can: I don’t think you’re suffering from PTSD, I think you’re just haunted by hungry ghosts — you know, tormented beings who are starving to death inside you because you have no soul for them to feed upon…?

Hey — what’s the deal with the light going out in your eyes…”

Mourning Becomes America

Posted by scott on November 12th, 2009

World Net Daily has a fresh new wingnut on display this evening: Dr. Arthur Robinson, “president and research professor of the Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine.”  This is obviously a prestigious organization, for not only does OISM sound like the noise an East End constable makes when he orgasms, it’s also dedicated to “increasing the quality, quantity, and length of human life.”  Most institutions exploring this bold frontier of scientific inquiry limit their research to prolonging, or improving the quality of human life, without even considering how we might use recent advances in medicine to increase our rate of reincarnation; but Dr. Robinson has gone where others fear to tread, in his quest to resurrect Ronald Reagan.

Whether this goal involves grafting the head of the 40th president onto a healthy body (perhaps the 44th president’s?), as South American Nazis planned to do in the 1963 documentary, They Saved Hitler’s Brain, or transplanting his gray matter into a robot, as was done in the 1958 science fiction classic, Colossus of New York*, or duplicating him whole from DNA samples and raising his clone in a giant Habitrail, like they did in 2005′s The Island**, is a question Dr. Robinson prefers to leave unaddressed, but there is no question that Ronald Reagan needs to rise from the grave, and he needs to do it now:

Morning in America

Yes, we know it feels like rnidnight – and would even if Ronald Reagan were here in person to cheer us up, but we must get through the night in order to enjoy the morning.

It’s the dark night of the soulless.

The difference is that the sun is not going to rise for us automatically. We are going to have to pull it up by ourselves.

I recommend using oven mitts.

American freedom has been unconscionably abridged and American resources wasted. While the Obama regime has sharply accelerated these trends, most of the damage was done over the century that preceded his Marxist reign.

Let me guess…the whole country went down the crapper when they passed the Sixteenth Amendment.

Our constitutional republic and the vast engineering miracle that its freedom made possible…

Otherwise known as the 18-Hour Bra.

…have been slowly strangled by creeping socialism and fascism – in the form of government-sponsored taxation

I really don’t see why government always has to sponsor taxation.  Why can’t they sponsor a NASCAR team for once, or an alcoholic?

These confiscated resources have paid for seemingly endless war, character-destroying welfare and the rise of a bureaucratic elite of government employees that now comprises almost 20 percent of our “workers” and is paid, on average, twice as much in wages and benefits as those still working in the private, free-enterprise sector.

And we wouldn’t have this problem if Reagan had finished breaking all the public employee unions, but thanks to the stupid 22nd Amendment, he only had time to crush the Air Traffic Controllers.

This deadly parasitic malignancy

…which my research institute has perfected, and now offers for sale to the highest bidder, be they foreign government, shadowy cartel, or international terrorist organization…

– the mutant that has arisen from our original form of government – has spread throughout our land. Not content to merely live upon its host, the thing is killing the republic upon which it depends for sustenance.

So, we can add a few more items to our list of Methods for Resurrecting Ronald Reagan:

  1. Genetically engineer a mutant Dutch, preferably with super-powers.
  2. Create a sentient, slug-like Reagan who will infiltrate and control a host organism, much like Kyle MacLachlan did in The Hidden (1987).
  3. Pay a vampire to bite the ex-president so he will rise from the grave at nightfall and feast upon the blood of his former constituents.
  4. Bring him back as a plain old zombie.

Anyway, back to the Doctor (and not to complain or anything, but given that he’s a mad scientist, he could try giving his rants a bit more pizazz.  Nothing showy; maybe he could just occasionally punctuate a thought with a high-pitched cackle, or an ejaculated “Fool!“  Just a suggestion.)

Imagine the prosperity and technological wonders that the $10 trillion in capital earned by the nuclear power industry would have made possible – but that our government made impossible.

Just don’t imagine all the radioactive waste.  Instead, focus on the trillions of dollars that could be earned each year by super-villains holding our plentiful nuclear power plants hostage.  Why, the remodeling and expansion of underground lairs in extinct volcanoes alone could kick start our slumping construction industry.

Imagine the prosperity and accomplishments we have lost by being required to conduct our economic affairs with fiat money – printed by government whim – rather than honest money, which has been a core component of human prosperity for thousands of years.

It is, I confess, more than a little embarrassing to live in a country where the only people still on the gold standard are leprechauns.  And frankly, even exchanging gold and silver coins for goods and services smacks of those too-clever-by-half tranches, and derivatives, and other newfangled financial instruments that drove our economy to the brink of collapse.  I think the only sane, secure, and historically sound course is to return to the Trinket Standard.

We provided our government with the wealth, technology and patriotic soldiers to provide for our common defense – but those resources were instead used to build a worldwide empire that is now draining us of our remaining wealth and is sustained by borrowing from the potential enemies from whom we need to be defended.

Imagine what our productive people could still accomplish if half of their earnings – the half that they do not need for food, housing, shelter, and other necessities – were not confiscated by government.

I hope one of those things they can accomplish is defending us from our enemies without an Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marine Corps.  You take first watch.

Today, it is very difficult for an ordinary young American to accumulate enough after-tax capital to even own his home. He is encouraged to enslave himself to the government-sponsored banking industry for 30 years instead.

It’s scandalous that people have to go into debt to buy a house nowadays.  Why, when I was a kid, I bought a 3 bedroom, 2½ bath rambler for cash with my paper route money.

Imagine that we were free of these injustices. Imagine that our physical and economic freedom were to return to that of our country’s founding or even to move halfway back – far enough to allow a virtual explosion in human accomplishment and well-being … Human freedom coupled with modern technology will achieve miracles.

For instance, Dr. Robinson has solved the seemingly intractable problem of global climate change by asking people to give him money so he can circulate a petition saying it doesn’t exist.  Science!

While our woes have crept upon us slowly, masked in part by the wealth generated by science and technology, they are “creeping” no more. In Washington today, we are seeing an astonishing acceleration of the tyranny of statism, socialism, fascism and Marxism that has come upon us – but it is no longer clothed in its many disguises. We are seeing it stark naked.

Fortunately, miracle modern technology has given us Liposuction and the Tummy Sizer.

The miracle of the Internet now allows Americans to communicate in total freedom. The media that fed them propaganda is dying. The truth is electronically available to all. It can no longer be hidden. [...]  Truth now stands in the marketplace on an equal footing with untruth. On this level playing field, the truth will win. The only major newspaper in America that is not dying is the Wall Street Journal

Of course, once all transactions are conducted solely with precious metals, and Rupert Murdoch has put the Wall Street Journal, FoxNews.com and the rest of his media empire behind a pay wall, you’ll have figure out how to shove doubloons through your ethernet cable.

Ronald Reagan was right – but his optimism was ahead of its time. His country still needed to experience more tyranny before it appreciated its freedom. Now, Reagan’s time has come.

Grab a shovel.

*Check pages 128-130 of for more on why you shouldn’t put the president’s head in a giant robot body made from paper-maché.
**Click here and scroll down to see why cannibalizing Scarlett Johansson to keep President Reagan supplied with kidneys is a potentially bad idea.

Are You Ready For Your Mystery Date?

Posted by scott on November 7th, 2009

Pastor Swank has shifted into zenith gear and is cranking out the columns on a daily basis again, and as we know from our long and careful study of the pastor’s oeuvre, as he grows more prolific, his prose becomes less intelligible and more entertaining.  In fact, he starts things off in classic Swank as a Second Language style with an article-free, semi-bestial grunt:

You pay abortions, Pelosi

…then slides immediately into some of our favorite Swankian tropes:

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is so intent on slaughtering womb babies that she vows to cement it in the blanket health care travesty.

A “cement blanket” is similar to the infamous “cement overshoes” employed by the Mafia, but is generally considered more age appropriate for a fetus.  However, the joke will be on Speaker Pelosi, when she discovers just how labor-intensive it can be to try drowning something that spends all its time floating in liquid.

For those who want to read Pelosi’s killer sentence, go to line 16, page 96, section 213, under ‘Insurance Rating Rules.’

But like the , the sentence is lethal, so you should probably wait until the health care travesty has been translated into German before you read it.

Pelosi prides herself on being a model mother. Her husband and children sit alongside her in family photos. There you have it — the liberal American household with smiling-teeth Mom at the center.

Devotees of the penny dreadful will recall that before ascending to the Speakership, Smiling-Teeth Mom and Spring Heeled Jack kept Victorian London in the grip of terror.

What an accomplished female she has become — from California on West Coast to Washington DC on East Coast.

To paraphrase Dr. Johnson, a woman managing to travel from the West Coast to the East Coast is like a dog’s walking on his hind legs.  It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all.

She’s the queen mother of the nation, bound to set us free from biblical values. She’s worked night and day with liberal chaps of like evil bent to undercut every scriptural ethic.

That’s how you can identify Democrats at a glance.  They’re the Queen Mothers working day and night with liberal chaps of evil bent to undercut scripture, while Republicans are the Queens bent over in assless chaps for guys who are 8 inches cut.

Pelosi, Catholic, detests the Roman Catholic moral base endorsed by devout biblical churchmen and women. She does not mind flying in the face of her own spiritual leaders worldwide.

So, the Pastor has become a Papist, eh?  I guess forty years of trying and failing to achieve transubstantiation on his Milton Bradley Home Altar has finally driven Swank into the arms of Mother Church.  On the bright side, the fact that his one child is adopted will go a long way toward helping him get that Annulment.

Those white teeth and broad smile circled her words of religiosity.

Swank really hates the Speaker’s teeth.

How dumb does she think we are? Pretty dumb, obviously.

I’m sure she’ll reconsider after reading your column, Pastor.

This space cadet of a House Speaker is so dangerous.

All together now:  How dangerous IS she?

She stands next in line to Marxist Muslim Barack Hussein Obama. The two are out to rob the Republic of its Christian heritage. Total secularization is their aim. Ditto Europe’s godlessness.

It’s like a really cool heist movie.  Obama and Pelosi have assembled a team of specialists, and they’re planning to rob the Republic of its Christian heritage, and steal Europe’s godlessness…all in one night!

Now with the health plan propped for a “go,”

Thunderbirds!..Are!…(propped for a)…GO!

she does not renege regarding the sentence sentencing womb infants to the dumpster.

Meet the World’s Deadliest Assassin.  Her victim?  The Fetus.  Her battlefield?  The Womb.  Her murder weapon:  Homonyms.

With that one sentence

Would that sentence be the killer sentence that sentences?

…all of us would be paying out for the guillotine laced around every unborn babies’ neck. Is this what America at its best stands for?

No!  For one thing, don’t lace it.  According to most early childhood experts, your fetus should wear the guillotine loosely around its neck — assuming it’s developed one — otherwise it presents a potential choking hazard.

It’s time to dump Pelosi and all her cadre. It’s time to take advantage of the recent moralist surge in November’s elections.

Yes, when it comes to Congressional races, it’s the moral victory that matters.


As rich and deep a vein as the Pastor is, I feel a little bad hacking away at him two days in a row, so I thought I’d give him a treat by arranging a play date with another sparkling hunk of pyrite.  As you may recall, D.Sidhe recently suggested we pay a call on Ann “Babe” Huggett.  Like Nancy Pelosi, “Babe” also hails from San Francisco, where, according to her RenewAmerica bio, she works as a “freelance writer and the Associate Editor and Publisher of TheRealityCheck.org. She is the co-owner and moderator of Free Britannia.org, a conservative British-American site dedicated to events affecting the Anglosphere. Ann is currently appearing as an on air radio talent as “Babe” Huggett, with co-host Warner Todd Huston, on Life, Liberty & the Pursuit of Conservatism on Blog Talk Radio.”

EddieIzzard.jpg By “on air radio” she means “one of those internet live chat sites that are to radio broadcasting what those ‘Make Your Own 45′ recording booths in Seaside Heights, New Jersey were to Capitol Records,” and by “talent” I presume she means “a faint resemblance to Eddie Izzard after a night of hard drinking.”

This week, Babe explains that famous liberals will be of no use to you if you’re attacked in a dark alley by crowbar-wielding lesbians:

Who would you rather have with you as back-up in that dark alley?

And she opens with a sentence that, while not lethal, makes me think she and Swank were meant for each other:

London’s flamboyant, bike-commuting mayor, Boris Johnson, did something rather extraordinary earlier this week in that criminal paradise known as the UK where self-defense and “have-a-go heroes” face prosecution for stopping crimes before the police can get there purposely too late in order to just have to fill out paperwork.  In the UK, where everyone basically quails before the whims of the violent, Boris Johnson confronted a gang of teenage girls (one armed with an iron bar), who were threatening an older woman.

If only more leftists were attacked by the cast of Cinemax After Dark movies and saved by cool, bicycle-riding conservatives, there’d be no need to have our tea outdoors.

With his reputation as an out-of-control rugby player still hanging around him like a miasma, big, burly Johnson sped up on his bike to help the founder of the environmentalist 10:10 campaign and film director, Franny Armstrong (The Age of Stupid) as the wolf pack of girls descended on her.

Aside from Man, wolves have only one natural predator: the Miasma.

The world is a scary, dangerous place, full of violent peoples within AND without, who want to see you dead, our nation destroyed and their greedy ideology triumphant.

I’m actually not too concerned about the violent peoples within the world, since I’ve seen the Mole Men, and if John Agar can deal with them, how tough can they be?  As for the violent peoples without the world, I’m not going to worry until they develop faster-than-light spare travel and show up here brandishing an iron bar.

We just went through an off-year election where Republicans cleaned the clock of the Jackass Party

Thanks, Moralist Surge!

The Democrats still control DC, the media and have a finely oiled smear machine that can spring into action at a moment’s notice.

Maybe if we can stop them from oiling the springs of their smear machine it’ll seize up.  Then they might get angry at their springs, inadvertently summoning Coily, the Spring Sprite, who would curse their sofa cushions and window shades!

The hysteria that they will unleash on the public as the 2010 elections approach will be overwhelming so maybe if voters ask themselves this one simple question in the voting booth, they could actually make an intelligent decision when they pull that lever.

I’m surprised, but gratified to see that “Babe,” unlike so many pundits, is rejecting the politics of fear and sensation, and attempting to elevate the debate by appealing to reason and focusing on the issues that most affect ordinary Americans.

The question is this: If I were in a dark alley and needed back-up, who would I rather have with me?

Well, if one of my choices is Ann “Babe” Huggett, I think I’d rather go with Sgt. Suzanne “Pepper” Anderson.  But the Pastor’s Playmate makes the selection easy by supplying us with a list of opposites, including:

A Democrat or a Republican?

A conservative or a RINO??

The extra question mark is for extra emasculation.

A patriot or an internationalist?

I guess it would depend where this dark alley was, because if it were abroad, then the patriot might actually band together with the local lesbian gang in the name of national unity to stave my head in with a tire iron.  And then I’d find myself, in those few brief, flickering moments before the blackness swallowed me up, wishing someone with more of a cosmopolitan flavor would wander by.

A US service man or a war protester?

I think I’d split the difference and guess Megan McArdle, in the alley, with a 2×4.

A candidate for everyone or someone, who is counting on racial or ethnic loyalty?

I, uh…Hm.  Pass, pass!

A non-responsive incumbent or grassroots new blood?

Well, if the incumbent’s pupils are non-responsive, there could be internal injuries and we night need to ask the grassroots to donate that new blood.

A corrupt, lobbyist-lovin’ fat cat or a Constitutionalist?

This one’s easy.  I never met a Constitutionalist yet who wasn’t hiding a razor in his shoe.

Someone of the people or a spoiled prat from an elitist, ruling class family?

So my choice is Bill Clinton or George W. Bush?  I’m gonna go with the Big Dog.  As long as the Mini-Skirt Mob isn’t armed with a Miasma, we should be fine.

A Hobo Stew of Freedom

Posted by scott on October 20th, 2009

DickMorris.jpgOver at Newsmax, Dick Morris — kingmaker, foot fellator, and Fox News Talking Frightmask — challenges recent slurs upon the integrity of Fox News, by citing a poll which suggests the Republican-leaning network is also watched by independents and Democrats.  I’m not sure how this claim is supposed to refute White House official Anita Dunn’s allegation that Fox is “opinion journalism masquerading as news,” since she questioned the objectivity of their reporters, not their customers.  During the heyday of the traveling carnival, a similar mix of people undoubtedly thronged the midway to watch a geek bite the head off a chicken, but didn’t necessarily mean the show represented an evenhanded approach to poultry.

But Dick has the power of polling on his side, which, like the Pope, is infallible!

Is Fox News “an arm of the Republican Party” as White House Communications Director Anita Dunn says?

Democratic and independent voters beg to differ. A national survey conducted for the League of American Voters by the Global Marketing Research Center during last week shows that 46 percent of those who watch Fox News “just about every day” are Democrats or independents as are 50 percent of those who watch it “several times each week” or more. [...]

Could it be that the Obama Administration is concerned about Fox News not because it is “an arm of the Republican Party” but because it is so widely seen among Democrats and Independents?

Well, I see Fox News just about every day too, since it’s always on at my gym, and I frequently watch obnoxious clips of the network on sites like Crooks and Liars, but I’m not sure that entitles them to count me as a member of their audience.  Still, who am I to challenge the methodology of a poll commissioned by such an impressive and impartial-sounding organization like the League of American Voters.  I wonder if I’m an involuntary member of that, as well.

From Sourcewatch:

The League of American Voters (LAV) is a Washington, D.C.- based 501(c) organization that raises money to run anti-health care reform television advertisements written by Dick Morris in key swing states. The organization’s Web page says it opposes President Obama’s efforts to reform the American health-care system “and other forms of socialism.” It refers to regulation of the health care system as a “government takeover.”

Two major networks have refused to run an LAV ad that features a neurosurgeon who warns viewers that a government run health care system will lead to the rationing of procedures and medicine.

The site seeks monetary donations and provides a way to donate via credit card, but gives no telephone number or email address and does not list its funders. The League of American Voters is not listed in Guidestar, a widely-used database of information on nonprofits. LAV solicits donations to run further anti-health care reform ads, and adds that it offers to send donors who give $250 or more an autographed copy of Dick Morris’ most recent book, “Catastrophe.”

The League of American Voters shares the same street address and suite number as Americans for Tax Reform and there is some overlap between the League of American Voters, Americans for Tax Reform and the Tax Day Tea Party organizers.

Well, clearly they’re on the up and up.  Still, I’m not comfortable being drafted into Rupert Murdoch’s helotry, because I believe — and I think most reputable doms would back me up here — that thralldom is hottest when it’s consensual, and I really don’t want to be awakened one morning by the moist sound and sensation of Dick Morris sucking on my toes.

At least, not until we’d agreed on a price.


Meanwhile, over at WorldNutDaily, where polling is recognized as the bastard child of Gallileo and Darwin, our old friend Janet Porter (née Folger) has taken her crusade far beyond demographics and deep into the burning desert plains of Megiddo:

Not just wrong, but downright evil.

When Phelim Mcaleer pointed out the inconvenient fact from his documentary “Not Evil, Just Wrong,” that there are more polar bears today – not less – contrary to Al Gore’s documentary, Gore responded by … cutting off his microphone.

But Gore didn’t respond by cutting off his head, proving that the former Vice President is an indecisive leader who would have been too ineffectual to stand up against Al Qaeda after 9/11, so we’re actually lucky the Supreme Court decided the 2000 Presidential election in favor of the Queen of Hearts.

That’s what the Obama Administration is trying to do to us, and I would make the case that what’s going on today isn’t just wrong, it’s downright evil.

Our only hope for salvation as a people and a country is Harvey’s Bristol Cream, which is “downright upright.”  And if you poured a bucket of it over Obama he’d probably melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.  Or at least get all smoove with the ladies.

Evil. Like a guy who murders 70 million people. That’s pretty evil.

Thanks for calibrating our moral compass, Janet.

She told the Dominican government that she and the Obama campaign “absolutely control[ed]” the media.

That seems like a shocking admission, but hey, if you can’t confess to the nuns who run the government, who can you trust?  As it turns out, however, Dunn was talking about the campaign’s effort to control the media message (from a Fox News link, no less):

Dunn is seen describing in detail the media strategy used by then-Sen. Barack Obama’s highly disciplined presidential campaign.

“Very rarely did we communicate through the press anything that we didn’t absolutely control,” Dunn said, admitting that the strategy “did not always make us popular in the press.”

In the January forum, she provided details about the lengths to which the Obama campaign went to control the media message.She explained that the campaign favored live interviews so that Obama’s words could not be edited — “so that what the voters heard we determined, as opposed to some editor in a TV station.”

“[A] huge part of our press strategy was focused on making the media cover what Obama was actually saying as opposed to why the campaign was saying it,” she said.

So apparently Dunn wasn’t talking about censorship, but a strategy for smuggling Obama’s message past reporters who were less interested in policy than personality.

They control what’s reported and how. That’s why they don’t like that @#*!% Fox News.

Janet learned her ethics from the Bible and her profanity from Snuffy Smith.

They reported the story of Obama’s czar choice of self-described Communist Van Jones, and revealed the ACORN sting video that exposed Obama’s pet organization that was previously best-known for voter fraud. Now they’re also know for helping to get government funds for a house of prostitution with under-age, illegal aliens.

Previously, if a Republican insider wanted to sexually exploit aliens, he had to go all the way to the Marianas Islands, or at least get cozy with Jack Abramoff.

They don’t like that Fox News standard of: “We report, you decide.” No, they want it to be “You report what we decide.”

Originally, it was Chance is a fool’s name for fate.” But the Obama administration kept fiddling with it, first trying out, “Give me a name for chance and I am a fool,” and “Chances are that fate is foolish,” before finally settling on, “Fate is the foolish thing. Take a chance!”

It’s the same way they attacked Rush Limbaugh. Obama started it months ago. But now with made up quotes that Limbaugh never said, they’ve blocked him from purchasing a football franchise. Welcome to Chicago-style politics.

“He pulls a Season Ticket, you pull a Skybox.  He stops one’a yours from buyin’ into a Triple A farm club in a secondary media market, you stop one’a his from purchasing a minority position in an NFL franchise.  That’s the Chicago way!”

First they came for Rush Limbaugh, but we didn’t speak up because we weren’t the highest-rated talk-show host in America. Then they came for Fox news, and we didn’t speak up because we were all just watching with our mouths hanging open in disbelief.

Tell you what, Janet…Why don’t you hold off on butchering the Niemöller poem until Rush Limbaugh or Rupert Murdoch are worked to death in a concentration camp, then have their gold filings yanked out and their ashen remains buried in a mass grave, instead of being left in peace to reap millions and spread lies.

I don’t think that’s a lot to ask.

Even CNN has recognized the evil. Even they pointed out that we have a president who will talk with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not Fox News.

Clearly, Fox needs to acquire nuclear weapons if they want to be taken seriously as a news organization.

No, they want to assault the one television network that won’t march in lock step with the rest of Obama’s media minions they “absolutely control.”

You didn’t even read that Dunn interview, did you?

State-controlled media. Aghhh.

Does anyone know the Heimlich?

The state-run media has its glitches: Rush Limbaugh and Fox News.

We Glitch.  You Decide.

That’s why Obama wants a real state-run media. That’s right, completely owned and operated by the government, with him at the helm. That’s why the “newspaper bailout” is being planned and discussed, so we don’t have all those blogs the president dislikes so much.

Wait’ll the President finds out blogs aren’t printed in the newspaper.  We think the joke will be on Obama!

I have an idea.  Let’s release a big silver balloon shaped like a saucer and tell everybody that the health-care bills are in it. Let’s throw in the hate-crimes legislation, control-and-tax bill and the rest of their socialist spending. Then count the seconds until it’s shot down from the sky by freedom lovers and Second Amendment supporters everywhere.

Then let’s count the seconds until freedom lovers and Second Amendment supporters everywhere discover that bullets that go up will also come down.

The only problem is with all the thousands of pages of lethal legislation they want to pass in Congress, our balloon wouldn’t be able to fly, even with all the hot air in Washington.

Ha, ha.  Oh, you saucy-tongued vixen.

We can’t wait until next November to send our message. We need to act now before it’s too late. In three weeks more than 3 million personalized messages have been delivered to Congress – building a wall of resistance – a pink wall.

Okay, well, I think I’ll get out of here before this inevitably devolves into either hymen jokes or a Prince song.

Boys to the Gymnasium, Girls to the Home Ec Room

Posted by scott on September 22nd, 2009

If you were following the Values Voters Summit, you undoubtedly heard about a shocking new development in self-abuse.  According to Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn’s chief of staff, Michael Schwartz, “all pornography is homosexual pornography,” even ostensibly heterosexual pornography, because although you may be straight when you start wanking, you’ll be a five-alarm poufter by the time you conclude the transaction.

Now I’m in no position to contest Schwartz’s conclusions, since I haven’t seen the raw data from his study.  All I can say is, if looking at pictures of nude women turns you gay, it’s taking a very long time.  Elsewhere in the blogosphere, however, this theory has aroused a bit of ribald commentary, but Rebecca Hagelin aims to prove that the “Playboy = Gayboy” theory is No Joke, by offering up a column with the flavor — and title — of a late 1950s junior high school mental hygiene film.

Pornography and You

I can hear the softly clicking sprockets of the 16mm projector already…

No one wants to talk about America’s growing addiction to pornography.

Most people prefer to express their feelings about it through the interpretative dance language of masturbation.

Certainly not me, but I do quite often

That’s pretty much the definition of addiction.

…because I know it is one of the greatest evils of our day.

For those of you keeping score at home, here’s Greatest Evil’s current stats:

Number 1 Greatest Evil of Our Day:  Osama bin Laden

Number 2 Greatest Evil of Our Day:  Iran (except for its plucky protesters, who we prefer to think of as “collateral damage”)

Number 3 Greatest Evil of Our Day:  Affordable Healthcare for All Americans

Number 4 Greatest Evil of Our Day:  Toilet Tramps III: The Rectal Reckoning

Like a toxic plague…

Aren’t those just the worst?  Not at all like the Energy Plague drinks they sell at my gym that give you pep and zing and only a light scattering of oozing black pustules.

…pornography usage is sweeping our nation and destroying our humanity.

I share Rebecca’s concerns; in fact, I’ve been worried about our humanity since at least 2003.  Fortunately, it turns out that we can cluster bomb an Iraqi wedding party and get away with only a bruise or a scrape to our humanity, but rub one out while watching Your Crack is My Snack #9, and your orgasm will lay waste to the canon of Western Civilization.

Tragically, the largest demographic consuming internet pornography is children between the ages of 12 and 17. As deadly as pornography is to the innocence and development of our children, it has a stranglehold on millions of men too.

After we lost David Carradine, Rebecca dedicated her life to stamping out autoerotic asphyxiation.  Unfortunately, she only succeeded in attracting a whole bunch of other guys who are into the trampling fetish.

Walk by any magazine stand and you’ll see that although porn is difficult to avoid on the internet

The lingerie ads on Alicublog murdered my soul.

…“dirty magazines” are still a much sought-after commodity by adult males.

Really?  Because when I go to the big news vendor at Hollywood and Cahuenga (AKA Raymond Chandler Square), the porn aisle is usually empty, with most of the action concentrated around the glossies and the computer and gaming mags.  Now of course there are still many people without a computer or access to the internet, but when I hear that men browsing for “dirty magazines” are a growing threat to our nation’s newsstands, I can’t help recalling what most people said when Paul Reubens was arrested for jerking off in a porno theater in 1991: “There are still porno theaters?  Hasn’t this guy ever heard of a VCR?”  And since we’ve gone from French postcards under the counter to Pussycat Theaters, to VHS tapes, to DVDs, to adult films you can download to your iPhone, I really doubt a handful of neo-Puritans are going to be able to make Porno Prohibition work.  But hey, whatever, Rebecca.  Keep fuckin’ that chicken.

While in the airport recently my heart broke at the sight of so many men who spend time between flights thumbing through the pages of “soft porn” publications like Playboy. And for crying out loud, they shamelessly do so in their tidy suits in the plain site of everyone.

Business travelers should at least have the decency to strip naked in Hudson News before browsing, so their filthy thirst for nipples won’t reflect unfavorably upon Joseph & Feiss.  I have to concede that she may have a point, however, since I myself am an airport porn survivor.  Several years ago I was at La Guardia, killing time at the newsstand before a flight to Chicago, and I remember being puzzled by the large number of skin mags on display, thinking, “What’s the point?  No one’s going to buy Playboy to read on a plane, let alone Hustler.”  It only dawned on me later that they were probably most often purchased by arriving passengers en route to their hotels.

On board, I was sitting by the window, in a two-seat row, when a tall, morbidly obese man suddenly flipped up the armrest between us and collapsed beside — and partially on top of — me.  He seemed coolly unconcerned that a large portion of his body was trespassing onto my seat and pressing me up against the bulkhead; but then, there wasn’t anything he could do about it, so I suppose a studied indifference was the better part of valor.

After we took off, and I resigned myself to fogging up the window for the next couple of hours, he pulled out a Hustler magazine, making me wonder if this was synchronicity, or divine retribution.  He paged through it with a nonchalant thoroughness, even flicking the gatefold open across my tray table, to the point where all I could do was bat the air-brushed pudenda off my peanuts and marvel at his insouciant approach to porn.  On the bright side, he was not wearing a tidy suit, which I really think made it all better.

It will probably shock many of you to hear that these “gentlemen’s magazines” have for years featured photos, cartoons and illustrations of children in sexual situations, including association with adults, animals, and sexual assault. So much for “soft porn”.

Yes, I suppose that would shock me if it were true.  But then, if Playboy has been trafficking in child pornography for years, why was John Ashcroft wasting his time putting window treatments on bare-boobed statues?

When otherwise “responsible” adults are slaves to the smut

That’s my favorite Roxy Music song.

…is it any surprise that adolescents are easily addicted when exposed to porn during their hormone-driven years?

Just like they become addicted to fluoride during their cavity-prone years, allowing the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.  Do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk…Ice cream.  Ice cream, Mandrake, childrens ice cream!

We have never before raised an entire generation on porn, so we don’t know how damaging the far-reaching affects will be.

Well, we raised an entire generation on wholesome Fifties television, and they turned into long-haired, drug-taking, free-loving hippies who burned their bras and undercut our efforts to stem the spread of Communism in Southeast Asia.  Meanwhile, the generation raised on porn seems rather polite and docile, with a healthy interest in consumer products and no apparent urge to protest illegal wars or occupy the dean’s office.  So from a purely conservative viewpoint, we’re probably better off exposing our youth to gangbangs and bukkake, since Howdy Doody is a known vector for subversion.

A recent edition of Salvo Magazine (a publication I’m honored to serve as a pro-bono senior editor for) entitled “Silent Bondage”

Also the title of a highly successful German fetish series.  Coincidence?

…paints a grim picture of the future by outlining the harms we now know our children are currently suffering due to their own pornography consumption. Salvo features the work of Drs. Judith Reisman and Jill Manning, seasoned experts in the dangers of porn.

To paraphrase Joel Robinson: “Oh, a Ph.D in Porn — that’s an easy major!”

Their research shows that the images “encourage and stimulate anger and aggression” in users and causes them to treat other people as objects. Children who use porn have a lack of interest in marriage and in having children of their own, and are at an increased risk of developing sexual compulsions and addictive behavior.

Their research also shows that looking at pictures of a nude woman is the same as smoking a crack pipe with your penis!  From an abstinence-only sex education curriculum:  “Pornography triggers a myriad of endogenous, internal, natural drugs that mimic the ‘high’ from a street drug. Addiction to pornography is addiction to what I dub erototoxins – mind altering drugs produced by the viewer’s own brain” – Dr. Judith Reisman

This is your brain.  This is your brain on tits.

According to Dr. Manning, the type of porn viewed today, by both adults and children, is “deviant, vile and graphic.”

But there’s a downside, too.

“Young people are witnessing rape, torture, and all kinds of degrading material.”

How they got a hold of Dick Cheney’s home movies I’ll never know.

Why would anyone gravitate to such horrible inhumane depictions?

Probably for the same reason people read Day by Day.

Dr. Reisman has carefully studied and documented the effects that exposure to pornography has on the brain – it acts like a drug and can easily capture the “casual observer” and result in serious addiction, causing the user to crave greater quantities of ever more perverse images.

That’s what happened to Sid Vicious.  Sadly, he didn’t realize how much he’d detoxed in prison, and when he got out and took his regular dose of lesbian porn — bam!  Died instantly.

Of course, if porn is the moral equivalent of heroin, that might not be an entirely bad thing, since addicts who share their works can often spread hepatitis and AIDS, but nobody ever died from borrowing his buddy’s DVD of Barely Legal Muff Buffers.

If you suspect someone in your family has a porn problem, arm yourself with truth. This column is much to short to delve into all you need to know in order to protect your family. Visit www.SalvoMag.com where you can order the “Silent Bondage” issue and equip yourself to combat pornography’s stranglehold head-on.

Yes, Salvo Magazine is on the cutting edge of peer-reviewed, psycho-sexual research. For instance, they’d like to have a few words with that Alfred Kinsey fellow…

If you have a pornography addiction, please get help. At www.VictimsofPornography.org you can connect with counseling resources and hear the victory stories of others who have overcome their bondage.

Sometimes you can keep their counseling resources on the line for over an hour before they realize you just like talking about bondage.

It’s critical to understand that consuming porn is never just “harmless entertainment.” Your use warps your view of women and of common decency. It breeds selfishness and unfaithfulness. You might as well be having an affair with every woman you gawk at in the glow of the computer or while privately viewing that hotel room porn flick.

Really, Rebecca?  Apparently you have access to much better porn than I do.

Your wife may be silent about your usage, but she’s probably dying a little each day inside. I’ll never forget the heart-wrenching words of a wife whose husband regularly viewed porn: “It was like my husband had a mistress in our home.”

While the wife’s 8-inch vibrating Steely Dan was more like a lodger who did odd jobs around the house.

If you use pornography, you use people. You have a problem. Get help.

This is your brain.  This is your brain on sanctimony.  Get the picture?

I’ll Show You Amateurs How to Teabag!

Posted by scott on August 13th, 2009

elliswashington.jpg Ellis Washington, Professor of Man-Crush Studies at Chuck and Buck Community College, has been lingually laving Michael Weiner’s Savage Sack for several months now, in what could only be described as a pure and selfless act of love.  But today the prof’s oral offering, while equally unrequited, is purely professional, as he puckers up for the wrinkly poultice of World Net Daily founder and Big Birther, Joseph Farah.

Joseph Farah, my friend

This is a tribute article to my boss and my friend, Joseph Farah, who is the founder and CEO of WorldNetDaily, the leading independent news source on the Net.

Although I have never formally met Joseph Farah, I am intimately acquainted with the man through reading his daily columns, whose intellectual depth makes me feel like I am having a marvelous dialogue with a long lost friend who is now found.

Remember Bob Allen, that Florida State Senator who was busted when he offered to pay an undercover cop $20 if he’d let Bob blow him in a public toilet?

I don’t know what made me just think of that.  Anyway…

Although personally I have never spoken one word to this man, I feel that I know him better than many of my own relatives, people I attend church with, or even those with whom I grew up back in the day.

When he was a child, Ellis’ imaginary friend filed a restraining order against him.

“Ellis, if you never have met or spoken to Joseph Farah, how can you call him your friend?” I’m glad you asked.

We didn’t, but I think we see the key to your successful relationship with Farah — you do both voices.  Kind of like Norman Bates.

In a 2007 article, “Obscurity was good for me,” I recalled my first encounter with Joseph…

Ten years ago, Joseph Farah, founder of WorldNetDaily, had the vision, courage and intellect to start WND, and it has flourished exceedingly and abundantly. For 10 years, it was my daily bread as I wrote books nobody purchased or read.

I admire the “Professor’s” asceticism, since I doubt I could live on nothing but a diet of World Net Daily.  Although, considering the amount of shit it produces, it is high in fiber.

A few weeks ago, at this most commendable milestone of WorldNetDaily’s 10th anniversary, I received a note from Joseph Farah asking me to join the publication as a commentator. I did not give him time to change his mind, and I promptly accepted.

Joseph recently told me that for years he had watched my career grow from afar and had admired my work. (His unwritten words were that he knew that I had potential, but it wasn’t time yet).

And I’m sure when it’s time to move on, Farah will give you a glowing, if unwritten letter of recommendation.

My weekly column is called: “The Report from Washington” – the same title God put in my heart exactly 25 years ago!

And Joseph made it come true!  Wow, he’s like Michael Landon’s weepy, mullet-wearing angel in “Highway to Heaven”!

While I don’t want this tribute article to become unduly fawning

Well it’s already like a pole dance in your mouth, so…

…I really want the reader to understand how grateful I am to Joseph Farah and to WND for giving me, a unknown black American, a chance to be a weekly commentator for this invaluable news source after being in Sisyphus obscurity as an unknown writer and thinker since 1983, when I wrote my first serious articles on aesthetics and political philosophy.

Was Sisyphus primarily known for his obscurity?  I thought he was famous for having one of those pointless, make-work, WPA-style stimulus jobs, but apparently he’s so obscure he doesn’t even rate being turned into an adjective.

It was February 2007 when Farah by chance saw some sample articles I had sent to editors at WND as part of my application to be a commentator there and decided to publish them.

So Farah accidentally pulled one of your unsolicited screeds off the slush pile, probably while reaching for a paperclip or a breath mint?  Well, it makes more sense that than earlier crap about him watching over you from a distance like Obi Wan watching Luke grow up on Tatooine.

It was Farah working years as a professional journalist and editor at the Los Angeles Herald Examiner and the Sacramento Union that gave him the discerning eye to recognize new, untapped talent.

If you do say so yourself.

Without Farah’s support, I think I would still be unknown to the state-controlled media, the law academy, the GOP, the RNC and conservative writers who claim they want to “help the disenfranchised.”

Yes.  Before, none of those people knew you existed.  Now, they actually have to ignore you.  It’s a clear moral victory.

Before I had met Joseph, I literally sent thousands of e-mails and hundreds of letters with my articles and books attached literally begging managing editors, think tanks, TV executives, Christian ministers, academics, scholars, intellectuals, the GOP and conservative media demigods to give me a chance; to interview me, print some of my work or mention my books on politics, the Supreme Court, constitutional law, culture and society. Their response over the past 26 years … NOTHING!

And Jody Foster never answered your letters!

Joseph Farah and WND have been on the cutting edge of many stories that other media entities either are too afraid to report or too apathetic to be interested in. Farah has distinguished himself through WND to go where no media entity has gone before (to paraphrase the intro to the “Star Trek” TV show).

Yes, even some WND readers aren’t sufficiently cutting edge that they’re hip to a 43 year old pop culture reference.

If you doubt me, pick any controversial story possessing substantive news interest, gravitas, constitutional or cultural issues, and chances are WND has either broken the story wide open or has been the lone wolf to continue the story long after other media entities have moved on:

  • The story of conservative radio host Michael Savage being blacklisted on May 5 by Great Britain in collusion with America and the Obama administration;
  • President Obama’s failure to provide definitive proof of his natural born citizenship according to Article 2, Section 1, Clause 5 of the U.S. Constitution;
  • Farah alone continues defending himself against universal blacklisting and vicious libel and slander leveled against his name by socialist radicals and the state-controlled media for 12 years since his cofounding of WorldNetDaily with his dear wife, Elizabeth.

In conclusion, Joseph Farah is a man’s man. He is fearless and is loyal only to God, America and the truth…

Yes, but what mythological or historical hero does he bear a resemblance to that only you can see?  Michael Savage is Prometheus and Captain Dreyfus.  You’re Sisyphus this week.  Even Obama got to be Emmanuel Goldstein from 1984.  You ask me, Farah ain’t getting his 20 bucks worth here.

Exceeding gratitude to you, Joseph Farah, and to all the editors, writers and staff at WorldNetDaily for being a clarion voice of Veritas (truth), when all other voices have either been silenced or compromised.

You know, whenever my quarterly review came up, I’d just pad my timesheets.

John Travolta From Hairspray Is Pissed!

Posted by scott on July 1st, 2009

Swirsky.jpg Today we’re bringing you a fresh new wingnut, Joan Swirsky.  But although she was heretofore unknown to us, Joan is a woman of no little distinction and accomplishment.  A nurse and “certified psychotherapist,” she’s the author of several books (including Beauty and the Beam: Your Complete Guide to Cosmetic Laser Surgery, and “Mommy, I Want to Kill Myself!”), and has written science and feature articles for The New York Times Long Island section.  Nowadays, she contributes articles to wingnut websites such as Canada Free Press, NewsMax and RenewAmerica.  So, judging by the trajectory of her career, we can once again see the wisdom in Dr. King’s words, “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward batshit crazy.”

“Domestic terrorists” gear up for July 4th tea parties

On April 15, over a million people — who had already smelled the contaminated coffee of the Obama regime’s galloping socialism-cum-communism-cum totalitarianism — attended thousands of Tea Parties across the country

You know, if someone served me a cup of coffee doctored with socialism, communism, totalitarianism and three helpings of cum, I’d switch to tea too. Or at least ask for some Cremora.

Since then, the Tea Party movement has grown exponentially, with hundreds more taking place on a regular basis and attended by Republicans, Democrats, Independents, Libertarians, et al — all increasingly horrified at Obama’s breakneck efforts to destroy free-market capitalism, inflict decades of debt on future generations, spit on the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights, employ a Hitler-like force of ACORN brown-shirts (read what Dr. Paul L. Williams has to say about them here) to manipulate the census and intimidate critics, compromise our military and intelligence services, and ultimately bring about a caliphate of repressive Muslim (Sharia) “law” to the United States of America.

Wow, that’s quite a sentence.  I don’t have time to get through the whole thing now, but I’m planning to throw that sentence in my beach bag and finish it over the summer.

Sure enough, a day before the Tax Day demonstrations — which Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the “president” knew nothing about — Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano issued a fatwa…

Oh, so we’re under Sharia “law” already?  Damn, that Caliph Obama is sneaky.  Well, at least Joan can make rude gestures from under her burqa and Grand Vizier Clinton will never know.

…that declared the extraordinarily peaceful Tea Party attendees de factor “domestic terrorists” — including our military!

That’s why we keep losing wars — our military’s too peaceful!

As radio host Dr. Laurie Roth has written: “That offensive and lying list ended up targeting two-thirds of the country, certainly those who love their freedom, Constitution, and God.”

I might take issue with the timeliness of an article on last April’s Teabaggings, but choosing to demonize the DHS report on right wing extremists after two high profile killings by right wing extremists shows that Joan has her finger firmly on the pulse of America’s medical school cadavers.  Anyway, like her fellow journalist, John L. Perry, Joan also believes the secret to award-winning writing is lists of Obama’s crimes against white, Judeo-Christian humanity, in this case ranging from with the weirdly ungrammatical (“Genuflects like an obsequies toady to an Arab potentate”) to the vaguely hematological (“Proves daily that appeasement to America’s enemies runs thick in his Leftist blood”).  Seventeen charges in all, but Joan is showwoman enough to leave the rubes wanting more, for “[a]s readers of my articles have read before, this is the short list!”

The majority of Americans — including the Obama constituency of Blacks, Hispanics, gays, feminists, and liberal pundits, et al. — are now having Buyer’s Remorse!

Oh thank goodness!  From the symptoms, I thought it was something serious, like Drunkard’s Itch, or Scrivener’s Palsy.

But for most people, when they consider what this alien hybrid of a Manchurian Candidate and Trojan Horse has done in five short months to bankrupt our country and everyone in it, it clear that this “president” is the worst thing that has ever happened to the land of the free and the home of the brave.

As anyone who’s read knows, s.z. and I have watched a lot — a lot — of post-apocalyptic movies, and I have to say, as post-apocalypses go, this is a trifle disappointing.  Where’s the barbaric splendor?  Where’s the creatively mutated, fur-clad survivors?  The futuristic domed city states?  The hot cyborg assassinatrixes who are mankind’s last, best hope against an influx of genocidal aliens?  Are you saying we get a minority ownership position in the automobile manufacturing industry and a switch to digital TV, and that’s it?  What kind of crappy apocalypse is this?

Or maybe it’s just that America is only mostly dead, because according to Joan, “citizens have been hard at work in heroic efforts to save America from the catastrophe known as Obama.”  These efforts spawn another list, including local wingnuts pushing “state sovereignty legislation through to reclaim States Rights under the Ninth and Tenth Amendments,” which I suspect will have the same transformative effect upon our system of government as those abstinence pledges have had upon America’s youth.  Additionally, you won’t be surprised to learn that:

A Grand Jury effort is underway to force Obama to open up the birth, college and passport records he has spent a million bucks to keep sealed and secret.

Numerous lawsuits are pending in numerous courts demanding that Obama make his life‚”transparent” for all to see, all of them convinced that he cannot pass Constitutional muster for the office he holds.

TheTotalWoman.jpgIf the court orders Obama to “make his life,’transparent’ for all to see,” he’ll likely be forced to greet dignitaries and heads of state at the door of the White House clad only in a sheath of Saran Wrap.  While this represents a significant departure from protocol, it could, as Marabel Morgan explained in The Total Woman, add desperately needed sizzle to our foreign policy, and help our erstwhile allies fall back in love with us.

Speaking of which, today is our wedding anniversary, so Mary and I are off to hike the Appalachian Trail.  Catch ya later.