World Net Daily has a fresh new wingnut on display this evening: Dr. Arthur Robinson, “president and research professor of the Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine.” This is obviously a prestigious organization, for not only does OISM sound like the noise an East End constable makes when he orgasms, it’s also dedicated to “increasing the quality, quantity, and length of human life.” Most institutions exploring this bold frontier of scientific inquiry limit their research to prolonging, or improving the quality of human life, without even considering how we might use recent advances in medicine to increase our rate of reincarnation; but Dr. Robinson has gone where others fear to tread, in his quest to resurrect Ronald Reagan.
Whether this goal involves grafting the head of the 40th president onto a healthy body (perhaps the 44th president’s?), as South American Nazis planned to do in the 1963 documentary, They Saved Hitler’s Brain, or transplanting his gray matter into a robot, as was done in the 1958 science fiction classic, Colossus of New York*, or duplicating him whole from DNA samples and raising his clone in a giant Habitrail, like they did in 2005′s The Island**, is a question Dr. Robinson prefers to leave unaddressed, but there is no question that Ronald Reagan needs to rise from the grave, and he needs to do it now:
Yes, we know it feels like rnidnight – and would even if Ronald Reagan were here in person to cheer us up, but we must get through the night in order to enjoy the morning.
It’s the dark night of the soulless.
The difference is that the sun is not going to rise for us automatically. We are going to have to pull it up by ourselves.
I recommend using oven mitts.
American freedom has been unconscionably abridged and American resources wasted. While the Obama regime has sharply accelerated these trends, most of the damage was done over the century that preceded his Marxist reign.
Let me guess…the whole country went down the crapper when they passed the Sixteenth Amendment.
Our constitutional republic and the vast engineering miracle that its freedom made possible…
Otherwise known as the 18-Hour Bra.
…have been slowly strangled by creeping socialism and fascism – in the form of government-sponsored taxation
I really don’t see why government always has to sponsor taxation. Why can’t they sponsor a NASCAR team for once, or an alcoholic?
These confiscated resources have paid for seemingly endless war, character-destroying welfare and the rise of a bureaucratic elite of government employees that now comprises almost 20 percent of our “workers” and is paid, on average, twice as much in wages and benefits as those still working in the private, free-enterprise sector.
And we wouldn’t have this problem if Reagan had finished breaking all the public employee unions, but thanks to the stupid 22nd Amendment, he only had time to crush the Air Traffic Controllers.
This deadly parasitic malignancy
…which my research institute has perfected, and now offers for sale to the highest bidder, be they foreign government, shadowy cartel, or international terrorist organization…
– the mutant that has arisen from our original form of government – has spread throughout our land. Not content to merely live upon its host, the thing is killing the republic upon which it depends for sustenance.
So, we can add a few more items to our list of Methods for Resurrecting Ronald Reagan:
- Genetically engineer a mutant Dutch, preferably with super-powers.
- Create a sentient, slug-like Reagan who will infiltrate and control a host organism, much like Kyle MacLachlan did in The Hidden (1987).
- Pay a vampire to bite the ex-president so he will rise from the grave at nightfall and feast upon the blood of his former constituents.
- Bring him back as a plain old zombie.
Anyway, back to the Doctor (and not to complain or anything, but given that he’s a mad scientist, he could try giving his rants a bit more pizazz. Nothing showy; maybe he could just occasionally punctuate a thought with a high-pitched cackle, or an ejaculated “Fool!“ Just a suggestion.)
Imagine the prosperity and technological wonders that the $10 trillion in capital earned by the nuclear power industry would have made possible – but that our government made impossible.
Just don’t imagine all the radioactive waste. Instead, focus on the trillions of dollars that could be earned each year by super-villains holding our plentiful nuclear power plants hostage. Why, the remodeling and expansion of underground lairs in extinct volcanoes alone could kick start our slumping construction industry.
Imagine the prosperity and accomplishments we have lost by being required to conduct our economic affairs with fiat money – printed by government whim – rather than honest money, which has been a core component of human prosperity for thousands of years.
It is, I confess, more than a little embarrassing to live in a country where the only people still on the gold standard are leprechauns. And frankly, even exchanging gold and silver coins for goods and services smacks of those too-clever-by-half tranches, and derivatives, and other newfangled financial instruments that drove our economy to the brink of collapse. I think the only sane, secure, and historically sound course is to return to the Trinket Standard.
We provided our government with the wealth, technology and patriotic soldiers to provide for our common defense – but those resources were instead used to build a worldwide empire that is now draining us of our remaining wealth and is sustained by borrowing from the potential enemies from whom we need to be defended.
Imagine what our productive people could still accomplish if half of their earnings – the half that they do not need for food, housing, shelter, and other necessities – were not confiscated by government.
I hope one of those things they can accomplish is defending us from our enemies without an Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marine Corps. You take first watch.
Today, it is very difficult for an ordinary young American to accumulate enough after-tax capital to even own his home. He is encouraged to enslave himself to the government-sponsored banking industry for 30 years instead.
It’s scandalous that people have to go into debt to buy a house nowadays. Why, when I was a kid, I bought a 3 bedroom, 2½ bath rambler for cash with my paper route money.
Imagine that we were free of these injustices. Imagine that our physical and economic freedom were to return to that of our country’s founding or even to move halfway back – far enough to allow a virtual explosion in human accomplishment and well-being … Human freedom coupled with modern technology will achieve miracles.
For instance, Dr. Robinson has solved the seemingly intractable problem of global climate change by asking people to give him money so he can circulate a petition saying it doesn’t exist. Science!
While our woes have crept upon us slowly, masked in part by the wealth generated by science and technology, they are “creeping” no more. In Washington today, we are seeing an astonishing acceleration of the tyranny of statism, socialism, fascism and Marxism that has come upon us – but it is no longer clothed in its many disguises. We are seeing it stark naked.
Fortunately, miracle modern technology has given us Liposuction and the Tummy Sizer.
The miracle of the Internet now allows Americans to communicate in total freedom. The media that fed them propaganda is dying. The truth is electronically available to all. It can no longer be hidden. [...] Truth now stands in the marketplace on an equal footing with untruth. On this level playing field, the truth will win. The only major newspaper in America that is not dying is the Wall Street Journal
Of course, once all transactions are conducted solely with precious metals, and Rupert Murdoch has put the Wall Street Journal, FoxNews.com and the rest of his media empire behind a pay wall, you’ll have figure out how to shove doubloons through your ethernet cable.
Ronald Reagan was right – but his optimism was ahead of its time. His country still needed to experience more tyranny before it appreciated its freedom. Now, Reagan’s time has come.
Grab a shovel.
*Check pages 128-130 of for more on why you shouldn’t put the president’s head in a giant robot body made from paper-maché.
**Click here and scroll down to see why cannibalizing Scarlett Johansson to keep President Reagan supplied with kidneys is a potentially bad idea.
Check out the pic of Drs. Robinson, Kamen and Merrifield on the Omygod! OISM! OISM! home page. Maybe one of ‘em could start working on improvements in pinhole camera technology.
And look, while it is somewhat refreshing, as well as a little sad, to hear from an actual boggled mind of science, rather than the usual run of pretend Dr. Ph.Ds, the evidence is still clear: stay th’ fuck away from other people’s disciplines. I mean, that “$10 trillion in capital earned by the nuclear power industry” would still be in fiat money, right? Or does nuclear power actually create capital? I thought these Discovery Institute types were real big on the Second Law of Thermodynamics, but it’s not really my area of expertise.
And I’m not going to stoop to mentioning that Dr. Anti-tax here spent the first twenty years of his life supported by taxpayers. I just wanna ask, once we’re on the barter system, and the Guvment operates on tariffs and fees, the way the Founders intended, what wealth-creating innovators he imagines will be best rewarded: the guy who co-wrote Molecular Clocks: Deamidation of Asparaginyl and Glutaminyl Residues in Peptides and Proteins, free-lance marijuana botanists, or young hotties who’ve mastered the gag reflex?
Left by Doghouse Riley on November 12th, 2009