Ben Shapiro is a remarkably versatile man, one who has more careers listed on his resume than most people have jobs. Unsuccessful lawyer. Inconsequential pundit. Philistine film critic. Wizened former wunderkind, and the Right’s persona non grata ambassador to Flaming Youth. He is, in short, a protean fuck-up. A Renaissance disappointment. A Jackoff of all Trades.

So you can imagine how thrilled American Jews must have been when Ben offered to use his awesome intellectual resources to figure out why they’re so stupid. Because if there’s one thing you can’t argue with, it’s on-the-job experience.

An Open Letter to American Jews

Dear American Jews,

I write to you as a charter member of the tribe.

Wow, congratulations on your longevity, Ben. Given your literary flair, I’m guessing you were sort of the William Ayers of the second millennium BCE, ghost writing the Pentateuch for Moses? At any rate, very impressive (although, according to the Masoretic Text, Abraham vouchesafed to Ephron the Hittite that he thought you were kind of a putz).

I’m not only Jewish, I’m religious. I’m married to an Israeli girl (she’ll receive her citizenship next year and she is a proud soon-to-be American).

“In the meantime, we’re staying out of Arizona.”

I go to synagogue regularly, keep kosher, keep the Sabbath.

And, needless to say, keep reachin’ for the stars.

American Jews, I have one request of you: please pull your heads out of your posteriors.

And American Woman, I have one request of you: Mama let me be.

I mean that in all sincerity.

“No, honestly, I’m a huge gratuitous jerk. You gotta believe me!“

Your continued support for Democrats and an administration that is openly anti-Semitic is a disgrace. Your embrace of a party that seeks to hamstring Israel in the name of a wholly fictitious Middle East peace process is contemptible. Your loyalty to a president who consistently sides with Palestinian and Iranian mass murder-supporters is disgusting.

“I’m revoking your circumcisions! Put on these latex novelty foreskins and never darken my door again!”

Rahm Emanuel’s presence in the Obama cabinet doesn’t ameliorate Obama’s anti-Semitism — it just provides it convenient cover. Al Sharpton wrongly called Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell “house negroes”

Trivializing the suffering of an historically oppressed people in order to score a cheap political point — even when you are a member of that group — is the worst sort of bigotry.

Emanuel is a kapo.

This struck me as a little hypocritical, until I realized Ben actually meant that Rahm Emanuel could be used as a device to raise the pitch of unfretted guitar strings.

Even as you continue to buttress a president who seeks the destruction of your co-religionists, you demonstrate your myopia by rejecting the tea party movement and evangelical Christian Israel-supporters.

Who ask nothing of you, except that you hurry up and get your collective asses to Israel so we can get this Armageddon started!

The tea party movement is your ally for three important reasons. First, it supports capitalism against the forces of socialism — and capitalism keeps America strong enough to provide Israel with a hand against its evil adversaries. Second, American Jews are, by far, the highest-earning religious group in the United States — the tea party fights for your right to keep your money. Third, the tea party stands against government overreach — and in an era when government overreach promotes anti-religious secularism, Jews must stand with the tea party.

Who wants to hold the Obama-is-Hitler sign?

Your rejection of evangelical Christians is even more idiotic.

Or, as evangelical Christians would put it, even more idiotic than your rejection of Jesus! Talk about compounding the felony!

Evangelical Christians are the only major voting bloc preventing President Obama from breaking ties with Israel.

Yeah, if Obama isn’t careful, crazy right wing fundamentalists might not vote for him again.

When Janet Porter, an evangelical Florida talk show host

Oh good grief, that flaming ninny!

…heard about Obama’s anti-Israel tyranny, she responded by asking her listeners to buy dozens of yellow roses to send to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s office as a show of support. The price per dozen: $19.48, in honor of the year of Israel’s founding (1948). Over 14,000 flowers were delivered.

Really? Because FTD charges like 50 bucks for delivery within the U.S. If a few hundred tea partiers were able to send a dozen yellow roses to Israel for $19.48, just imagine the kind of cost savings we could achieve if we, say, collected millions of Americans into a massive risk pool and used the advantage of our numbers to bargain with drug companies and health care providers!

Nah. Better just to send Bibi a Pick Me Up® bouquet.

“But they want to convert us!” many American Jews shout. Not all Christians do.

Just the perfected ones, like Ann Coulter.

But for the rest — so what? Would you sacrifice the support of millions of good-hearted Christians because they want to discuss Jesus with you?

Casually, over a pulled pork sandwich at the Automat, or a Drawn and Quarter Pounder at the Auto-da-fé?

If your own belief system is so fragile, the weakness is yours, not theirs.

It’s wrong to blame the victim, unless of course the victim is a wuss.

While you expend energy whining about Jehovah’s Witnesses who show up at your door with a Bible, Obama supports radical Muslims who would show up at your door with a gun — or, as in the case of Daniel Pearl, a butcher’s knife.

This is why I put up a No Solicitors sign.

Now, I understand, American Jews, that most of you don’t care about Israel.

It is, after all, Shania Twain Week on American Idol.

I understand that you’re more concerned about a woman’s unconditional right to abort her unborn child (which Judaism rejects) than you are about Israel. Fine. Understand that you have removed yourself from the vast river of Jewish history in favor of a chimerical morality that values libertinism over liberty.

Uh, Ben? Moses is asking for some rewrites…

I understand that many of you — all of you above age 70 — still think FDR is alive. He isn’t, but Jimmy Carter is.

I understand that some of you — not many — are still trying to follow my argument. Fondue goiter moist grommet.

I understand that some of you still think that conservatives and Republicans are the same folks they were during the 1950s, when they banned you from country clubs. They aren’t.

Now they have guns.

The simple fact is this: There is only one mainstream political ideology in this country that asks you to check your principles and cultural history at the door in the name of the greater good — leftism, the same ideology that virtually exterminated Judaism in Russia and Europe.

Ah, the Liberal Fascism Gambit! Okay, I admit it, Ben — Hitler was a lifelong subscriber to The Masses. But he got it mostly for the recipes, and “Humor in Uniform.”

While the left exploits your adherence to bagel-and-lox Judaism by appealing to your watered-down and perverted “tikkun olam” sensibilities, you are enabling your own destruction. The same people who urge you to reach out to terrorists will be the first to sacrifice you to those terrorists’ tender mercies. The same people who urge you to worry about same-sex marriage rather than religious freedom will be the first to take your religious freedoms away.

I love you, my brothers and sisters. That’s why I’m writing to you. Time is running out; the clock is winding down. Pick a side.

Preferably the side that just spent the last ten minutes peeing on your shoelaces.

Revenge of the Nerds | 36 Comments »

Moondoggie:

“I’m having a very naughty thought right now. Hee, hee, hee…!”

Meanwhile, we’ve caught Riley during her weekly pulp villain cos-play session:

“Ah, Sir Denis Nayland Smith, I presume? I am the Insidious Doctor Fu Manchewtoy.”

Wild Things | 10 Comments »

Thanks to a headache I’m not feeling quite up to mucking around in the right blogosphere tonight (you live to smirk another day, Doug Giles!). But I see that it’s almost Saturday, which means it’s more or less time for our sort of regular attempt to answer the search engine queries that have brought the mildly curious and the deeply sociopathic to World O’ Crap this week. (As always, these search strings are taken verbatim from the referrer logs. The Management assumes no responsibility for lost personal belongings or sanity. Please keep your hands and arms inside the blog at all times):

1. mr boner: A direct-sale ice cream brand popular in the Northeast, founded by the eponymous Mr. Boner. However, after spending an embarrassing weekend in Vegas for his 55th birthday, he fell into a fit of depression and changed the name of the franchise to Mr. Softee.

2. smell hollywood good: Glad you think so, Hulk. I believe that’s the jasmine.

3. i think i am going to punch you in the face: This is why it’s generally safe to insult a Teabagger. They may react violently, but you’ll usually have time to escape while they check Google to see where the “face” is located.

4. what would have happened if the united states lost world war 2: The Bush Administration would have happened 50 years earlier.

5. swallow goldfish vomit sex: This was the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ disappointing follow-up to Blood Sugar Sex Magik.

6. evil platypus: After he was disfigured in a horrible chemical factory fire, Donald Duck went mad and swore revenge upon the world, assuming the persona of the sinister “Dr. Duckbill Platypus.” Operating from a secret lair somewhere in Duckburg, “Dr. Platypus” (still at large) is suspected in the gruesome murder of gazillionaire Scrooge McDuck. He is also believed to have terrorized scientist Gyro Gearloose into providing him with advanced technology by force-feeding Gladstone Gander until his liver ruptured (when the body was discovered, police described it as, “horrifying, like a scene out of Hostel, except more delicious”).

7. penis accidentally slips out: Thank you, Senator, your statement has been duly noted.

8. the world is shit: This was Up With People’s failed 1997 attempt at an emo album.

9. Venus Vosburg: This is the professional name of our good friend Chris Vosburg. As many of you know, by day Chris works making magic in the Hollywood dream factory. By night, he does Streisand at the Queen Mary in Studio City.

10. Batman and Robin gone wild: This is Chris’s opening act. Two shows nightly, 9:30 and 11 P.M..

Open Source Snark Section: Have at it!

11. Jabbawockeez satanism

12. jesse malkin husband

13. “Rendezvous with Rama” penis

14. “Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea” “slash fiction”

15. civil war nude pics

For No Good Reason | 7 Comments »

I’m pretty tired today, and have a still-unfinished script burning a hole in my harddrive, so let’s just take a quick peek at Townhall. Up first is Bill Murchison, the “senior columns writer for The Dallas Morning News.”

On “Demonizing” the Government

By the weekend, Bill Clinton and Rush Limbaugh were going after each other with bung starters and busted beer bottles.

Okay, not to toot my own horn, but I do get around, and that is without a doubt the worst slash fiction I’ve ever read.

Moving on, let’s check in with Janet “Johnny” LaRue:

Obama’s “Mainstream” Nominee

Justice John Paul Stevens’ announced retirement from the Supreme Court has Democrats singing their old stand-by, “Down by the Old Mainstream.” Their backup band in the mainstream media is tuning up their golden oldie, “It Don’t Mean a Thing If Ain’t Got That Swing,” as in a nominee who swings only left.

When it comes to pop culture references, Janet has her finger firmly on the pulse of a medical school cadaver. I just hope no one in her target audience was waxing his mustache or sipping a Sack Posset when he read that, or Janet’s going to owe somebody a steampunk keyboard.

Okay, let’s very carefully inch open the door of delirious neo-con Frank Gaffney’s office at the Center for Security Policy, and see if we can catch him when he’s not masturbating into the mouth of a ceramic Ronald Reagan coin bank.

When Ed Meese Speaks

There is arguably no more influential conservative in America today than former Reagan Attorney General Edwin Meese.

Crap, we did catch him at an awkward moment. Still, it’s not any crazier than all the shit Frank Booth said when he was inhaling nitrous oxide and dry-humping Isabella Rossellini.

To paraphrase an old marketing slogan, when Ed Meese talks, people listen.

But they quickly realize he’s hard to jerk off to, and they wind up turning, tragically, to the even more disappointing Clinton/Limbaugh slash porn.

Instead, let’s look in on David R. Stokes, “an author, columnist, broadcaster, and Senior Pastor of Fair Oaks Church in Fairfax, Virginia,” and see if he can get through an opening paragraph without laving the perineum of a former attorney general.

A National Day of Humiliation

Apparently not.

Of course, it will be appealed and wind its way through a process of judicial, if not national debate before all is said and done, but the mind fairly boggles at the arrogant absurdity of a court in this land ruling the National Day of Prayer unconstitutional. Back when George W. Bush occupied the Oval Office, the radical anti-theist group (read: atheists on steroids), “Freedom From Religion,” filed a lawsuit and the toxic seed planted then has now borne poisonous fruit. Stay tuned.

…for another exciting episode of The Shadow.

I know it’s fashionable these days to bash-Bush, blaming the man and his administration for all the ills our current leaders find to be overwhelming and resistant to their heady scheme-dreams, but our 43rd President is a man of passionate faith.

Your writing blows skunk-chunks.

Sometimes he’s accused of wearing his faith on his sleeve, but personally I find that to be preferable to politicians who always seem to have something up their sleeves.

There’s only one reasonable compromise: before any major announcement or bill-signing, the President should be required to tear off his sleeves, like Bullwinkle.

I had the privilege the other day of receiving a nice note from Mr. Bush.

The note said: “A case of Shiner Light, Two sixpacks of St. Arnold Amber Ale, a quart of vodka, two boxes of Turning Leaf Chardonnay, two cases of Cabo Wabo Tequila Anejo, and a bottle of sour mix.” He obviously mistook me for Big Daddy’s Liquor Beer on Marsh Lane, which has free home delivery, but still, gotta admit — it was pretty nice.

In the note, along with kind words about the book, he said something that I find quite timely in light of the news about the ruling by Judge Barbara Crabb in U.S. District Court (a Jimmy Carter appointee, by the way)—something about prayer

Not exactly sure what, as the handwriting was illegible and the notepaper was stained with tears and vomit, and something that’s either bouillon or urine, I’m can’t really tell, but I had to spray a little Febreze around my office. Anyway, I’m almost certain it was something very nice about prayer.

Certainly, I understand that he was talking about personal prayers, not necessarily public ones, and that there is nothing in the current court ruling banning private prayer. Duh. I get that.

In addition to his accomplishments as an author, columnist, broadcaster, and Senior Pastor, Mr. Stokes is also a sophomore at Sweet Valley High.

Our current president and his sometimes profane pals seem to be very uncomfortable with any form of pious-speak, and downright out of place in any role requiring lip-service to faith.

Is pastor-speak always so hyper-hyphenated?

Religion—well, let’s be fair, anything related to Christian or Jewish religion—is increasingly being relegated to stepchild status. In the case of Islam, exceptions are made all the time, of course.

Remember when you used to be able to get the Early Bird Special at The Sizzler at like 4 PM? Well not anymore, thanks to Ramadan!

I would appeal to President Barack Hussein Obama

Sorry, but Obama likes his men the way he likes his coffee: black and less hyphenated.

…to reach back beyond his Muslim, Marxist, and Liberation Theology (which is to real Christianity as anthrax is to sugar)

Now I’m hungry for a big bowl of Kellogg’s Anthrax Smacks. Served by Fruit Brute, because I’m into bears, and any other outré forms of sexuality that would drive people like Mr. Stokes and Mr. Gaffney to fits of moral outrage coupled with the kind of repulsion, digust, and uncontrollable priapism that would lead a guy to make two, maybe even three deposits a day in the Bank of Dutch, if you know what I mean.

Live from the Asylum | 18 Comments »

You know, people often stop to ask me, “Mary, what’s the surest way to a man’s heart?”, and I always respond, “A sharp knife and a tire jack to crack open the rib cage!”

Then, based on their expressions, I realize they were just making small talk about food, and I’ve over-shared again. Which is good, actually, because it turns out I know more about food than improvised open heart surgery, anyway.

I went shopping at our local Fresh & Easy (because, let’s face it, if you get enough wine in me I become both those things). I was planning on making hamburgers for dinner that night, but the whole idea just bored me to tears. And then I saw it. Jennie O’s Lean Ground Turkey–Italian Seasoned! Ooooh.

Now, I’ve used this before, in lasagna and a skillet thing I whipped up on another occasion, and it suddenly gave me an idea for a new, non-boring, non-weep-worthy dish: Bruschetta Burgers!

Bruschetta Burgers
(serves 4)

1 pkg of Jennie O’s Italian Seasoned Ground Turkey
4 slices of Mozzarella Cheese
2 Roma Tomatoes, sliced
1/2 loaf of Focaccia Bread sliced into buns (at Fresh & Easy, they sell sandwich-sized focaccia buns — 2 to a package)
4 oz of fresh basil
2 cups of your favorite red pasta sauce
Olive Oil baking spray

Directions

Form the ground turkey into 4 uniformly sized patties. (Tip — make sure they are fairly flat. They tend to plump a bit during cooking and it makes for a messy mouthful when eating.)

Cook the patties the way you would cook any other burgers, whether on the grill or stove top, until the juices run clear. Set aside when done. (I cover mine with foil to keep them hot)

Apply olive oil baking spray to a baking pan. Place the focaccia buns inside and spray them with the olive oil baking spray. Bake them at 350 degrees for 3 to 5 minutes.

Heat the pasta sauce according to directions.

On a plate, place the sliced mozzarella, sliced roma tomatoes and basil leaves (use the larger ones if you have them, they take the place of the lettuce you would have on a regular hamburger).

When the focaccia is done, use a basting brush to apply the pasta sauce to each bun.

To build your Bruschetta Burger, place one slice of mozzarella cheese on top of the burger, top that with basil leaves, top that with roma tomato slices. (I also had some balsamic vinegar salad spritzer that I sprayed on the basil and tomato for extra flavor)

Serve with a Caesar Salad.

I would have a picture right here, but I forgot to take one. (We were hungry. So sue us.)

Artist’s conception.

Let me tell you — for something I came up with on a whim, it came out great. The focaccia bread went wonderfully with the pasta sauce and the burger. The basil gave it a nice sweetness, but the roma tomato and the balsamic vinegar kept it from overpowering the whole burger. And the mozzarella cheese? Please. Is there anything better than mozzarella? I ask you!

So. There you go. Bruschetta Burger. Tell your friends.

Good Eatz | 13 Comments »

Riley:

“Have you ever really looked at your own foot? I don’t recommend it.”

…and Moondoggie:

“Wait, wait, let me do my Tonto impression…You ready? Ahem!… ‘Buffalo approaching. Many head.’”

Wild Things | 6 Comments »

Or, if standing’s not comfortable, you could probably sit for action. Maybe grab a snack, and a beverage. And something to read. Action’s probably going to be awhile…

This is turning out to be a bit of a crunch week, what with trying to finish an overdue project, and prepping for a meeting on Thursday, and as a result, blogging may continue to be a bit spotty. So in the meantime, how about a contest? Caption the photo below, and the best entry could possibly be awarded virtual points that could potentially be redeemed at some unspecified date for somebody’s idea of a prize!

For No Good Reason | 28 Comments »

Guest Column by Bill S.

Other bloggers have already waxed more eloquently on the Constance McMillen imbroglio than I’m likely to do, but I’d still like to put in my two cents. For those who still don’t know about it: Constance was a high school senior, a lesbian who wanted to attend the prom with a female date. When the school board rejected the request and then canceled the prom altogether, she took legal action, and the prom was back on. But the senior class held a seperate prom the same night, and didn’t invite, so the only people who attended the real prom were Constance and 7 others, two of whom had learning disabilities.

But is all this enough to make Fulton, Mississippi “the meanest town in America”?

At the website LA FIGA, two students posted comments to offer their side of the story. The first, who went by “begleg10,” but later identified herself as Lindsay, offered this:

**Open Minded Readers Only**
I am a senior at IAHS and I’ve known Constance for 6 years. Please hear our side of the story before you decide on our fate.

You mean we get a vote on that? Oh, goody. If only I was Carrie White…

The party we had in Evergreen (the county neighborhood I live in) is 30 mins away from the school. we rented out the community center, hired vendors, decorated and our parents ran the security/chaperone staff–but it wasn’t prom.

It was just a quiet little get-together for 400 people.

Prom was at the country club where constance and 7 other students were. The reason the senior class boycotted the actual prom was not because we hate gays. We just wanted a drama-free gathering to celebrate 3 great years and 1 lousy one together, and we wanted to lay low. We also wanted to do it without the main cause of the lousy. What people are failing to realize is that much of the fault of this whole stink lies with Constance, not her mistreatment by the school district, but her crazy-reckless need for attention.

Yeah, she should have accepted that mistreatment and kept her mouth shut.

It sounds mean an horrible and like we planned it all specifically to embarrass Constance, but we didn’t. We let her have her prom with her girlfriend and her tuxedo and we went to party it up in the “boondocks” not because we wanted her rights violated, but so we could salvage what has turned into a total fiasco.

Yes, the mere presence of a lesbian couple at a prom would make the festivities a “total fiasco.” What a perfectly reasonable reaction.

As a whole we didn’t support her decision to throw the district under a bus, or her insinuations that we’re all just a bunch ‘a hicks driving around in beater pickup trucks spitting tobacco juice and burning crosses.

And this was a perfect way to dispel that image.

IAHS is one of the top schools in the state and I’m proud of that, and I’m proud that took a stand and said, you know what? Forget it, we have just as much right as you do to have a party for ourselves. So we did, and now we’re getting flack because poor Connie’s ego got a bit of a bruising. She’s playing the lesbian card to prove she ALWAYS gets what she wants. This time, we just didn’t let her.

In the previous paragraph, Lindsay said they weren’t setting out to embarrass Constance, and now, she’s admitting, flat out, that it’s exactly what they were trying to do. And, y’know, if you want to prove you’re not a homophobe, you may want to steer clear of saying things like “she played the lesbian card.” And you might also want to dial back the righteous outrage too. Because if you remove the fact that Constance is a lesbian from this scenario, you’ll see just how ridiculous it is:

“That Constance! She always gets what she wants!”

“What does she want this time?”

“She wants to attend the prom…with a date…who accepted her invitation.”

“Sheesh, what a spoiled bitch! Wait a minute, isn’t that the same thing we want?”

Take it as you will, because I’m sure it sounds like we faked her out, but understand this — the decision NOT to attend the prom had nothing to do with the school or with Constance’s sexual preferences — it had everything to do with proving we we’re going to let her or the ACLU steamroll us into doing what Constance wanted. We flexed the muscle of the majority and we’ll suffer the consequence.

Oh, I see. So you weren’t doing this because you’re a bunch of reactionary bigots. You were just innocently ganging up on one kid because you just don’t like her.

That’s a lot better.

Another student, identified only as “softballgirl10,” had a few things to say as well:

as another student at IAHS im TIRED OF THIS. it has made me LOSE FAITH IN THE MEDIA. NONE OF YOU KNOW CONSTANCE. she has been pulling this stuff for years and I doubt she’s a lesbian frankly.

Golly, you’re right. I don’t know her, so I guess I’ll just take your word for it that she’s — wait, I don’t know you either.

but whatever she’s got her college paid for and she got to wear her “different” tux and everyone loves her and she’s got exactly what she wanted…

And all you got was the award for the best imitation of Regina George.

and i don’t understand the disabled kids stuff. we don’t even talk to them, so stop judging. they could have come to our prom if they wanted to.

So they weren’t excluded, they just weren’t told about it. Thanks for clearing that up. Hey, I thought Lindsay said it wasn’t a prom?

also i’m proud of our administration for backing us up by the way instead of running away from all of you. that’s courage, not trying to get away with wearing weird clothes.

Yes, it’s truly courageous to crush any sign of nonconformity.

you know what i mean by weird. what if she wanted to come to prom with a police siren on her head? one that’s really loud would you defend her then??

Of course not — it’d clash with the tux.

that’s what SHE WAS DOING THIS FOR TO GET PEOPLE TO STARE AT HER. she is using the lesbian thing as an excuse to look like a victim but she JUST WANTS YOU TO LOOK AT HER. she ruined our year…

Your entire school year was ruined because she dresses differently? How mature.

So, let me just see if I’ve got this: Constance wanted to attend her senior prom with a female date, and wear a tux. Neither of those things would have actually harmed anybody, so there was no reason to refuse this request. In fact, if she was likely to raise a fuss, the logical thing to do was allow it and move on. Unless of course, you were anticipating drama from somebody other than Constance.

But the school not only rejected this request, it canceled prom altogether, punishing not just her, but the entire senior class. Since the only effect this could have was turning Constance into a social pariah, the was obviously the only purpose of it.

So Constance sued, which was logically in the best interest of her class, since she was getting back the prom the school took away. And how did her class respond? By branding her the troublemaker, and, with the assistance of their parents, holding a private prom from which she was excluded.

I guess I have misjudged them.

They’re even bigger assholes than I thought.

-Bill S

Guest Column, Teh GAYZ! | 44 Comments »

I had a rather lengthy and involved post ready to go last night, but it appears to have escaped into Gibsonian cyberspace, so I guess that’s a bit of a lucky break for you guys. Casting about for a replacement, I tried just transcribing my piteous, wracking sobs, but it gave SpellCheck a tizzy, so instead, let’s just see what Dr. Professor Mike Adams is up to…

Ah, being a weapons grade jerk — excellent!

The Wall of Hate

This week, April 5th through 8th, my university is doing something really neat.

Whenever Dr. Mike talks like Gidget, it means he’s about to pull one of his stunning, 180 degree rhetorical reversals with a bridge out and a crotch-lift, followed by a singlet snap and an optional self-tittytwist. Remember your safe word.

A bunch of organizations – including the NAACP, PRIDE, and the Black Student Union – are sponsoring a “Breaking Down Hate” week.

How nice of them to bring everyone Dr. Mike fears and loathes together for one event. It’s like Paul Simon’s, Kodachrome, if the song had been about a smug, yet failed academic who fancies himself the Cracker Barrel Voltaire.

Since the planned events only run Monday through Thursday it isn’t really a “week”.

Well, I haven’t seen any evidence that you’re really a “man,” yet nobody bitches about you whizzing in the taxpayer-funded urinals at school.

Despite the preponderance of white people on our campus there doesn’t seem to be enough hate to keep the anti-hate people busy all the way through Friday.

To assist these dusky folk who are apparently confused by ancient Hebrew units of time, Dr. Mike will be bringing a stack of calendars and some extra hate.

The printed flier for the “Breaking Down Hate” almost-week talks about a thing called the “Wall of Hate,” which has been a part of our campus diversity movement for three years. The flier invites students to “share insensitive, intolerant, and hateful words that (they) feel should no longer be accepted in (the campus) community with the WALL OF HATE.” After students write down the words, they spray paint over them as a symbol of the eradication of hate.

Huh. I remember the collegiate hijinks being wackier when I was in school. But I guess you can’t cram your whole fraternity into a phone booth when they don’t exist anymore. And swallowing goldfish doesn’t really seem that crazy when there’s a sushi restaurant on every other block. And playing TAG would probably get you shot by the campus police. Sucks to be a co-ed nowadays.

On the bright side, if they spray-paint over all the hateful words, Dr. Mike’s future columns will be considerably shorter.

I’ve made fun of the wall of hate in the past. But I’m not making fun of it anymore. That’s just hateful.

Thanks for the almost-joke.

This year, I’m going to the “wall of hate” all four days of “Breaking Down Hate” almost-week. In fact, I’m going twice each day to write down a hateful word.

Like your Freshman Comp teacher always said, “write what you know.”

My “Great Eight Words of Hate” are listed below. Each is followed by the reason why I chose to write each word before covering it with spray paint:

Colored. Few people realize that the “C” in “NAACP” stands for “colored.”

What a scoop.

Where I come from, the term “colored” is racially insensitive and hateful. Therefore, I think anyone who uses that term is a hater. In fact, I think the NAACP is potentially a hate group in need of a close second look by the IRS. I’m even considering writing the Southern Poverty Law Center to put them on notice of another potential hate group.

And what’s up with “jumbo shrimp”?

PRIDE. I read somewhere that pride cometh before a fall.

No, “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.” The Iceman cometh.

And this group – People Recognizing Individual Differences Exist (PRIDE) – is a very proud bunch.

Really? Even though they go to the University of North Carolina-Wilmington?

They think it’s a great idea that the American Psychiatric Association (APA) declassified homosexuality as a mental illness (many years ago). But they celebrated the victory by coining the term “homophobia.” This was meant to say that everyone who disagrees with them on the issue of homosexuality has a phobia, or irrational fear.

Even worse, the prideful queers won’t join Mike in his kolpophobia, when you’d think they’d be his natural allies!

Could it be that PRIDE has an irrational fear of intellectual diversity?

Mike doesn’t hate the homos because he’s afraid of them. He just can’t help himself — he’s an intellectual.

Why can’t they just recognize that individual differences of opinion about homosexuality exist?

“Just as there are legitimate differences of opinion about the cranial capacity of the Negroid race. But look, we’ll never settle this without a pair of calipers and a trained phrenologist, so let’s just agree to disagree, shall we?”

Black. I really don’t like the term “black.”

And don’t get him started on the skin tone.

It’s so antiquated. Someday it will be considered as hateful as “colored.”

If Dr. Mike has anything to say about it.

I prefer the term “African American.” And I think the Black Student Union should change its name to something not only more sensitive but more accurate.

Stand by for another 2-point reversal, wrestling fans!

Personally, I prefer the Union of African Students for Segregation (U-ASS). In my view, if you need to segregate yourself on the basic of race U are an ASS. And you are probably a racist.

After all, it’s not like black people back in the 50s and 60s banded together and presented a unified front to combat racism and segregation. Civil rights were much more of an individual, Randian achievement.

Hate. I really hate the word “hate.” Whenever I hear that word it is coming from someone who is full of hate.

You know what other word Dr. Mike really hates? “Thesaurus.”

Gay. Let’s just use the term “sodomite.”

Whatever gets you stiff, good buddy. We’re not here to judge.

They are way too angry to be called “gay.” Plus, I’d like to be able to once again use the term “gay” without having people think about sodomy.

Well, first you’ll have to stop being an enormous asshole.

For example, “Writing down a word and then immediately spray-painting over it? That’s gay!”

Dr. Mike knows he will never been truly free until he is free to discuss the pressing political issues of the day in the texting vocabulary of a 12-year old boy from Encino.

Choice. When I hear the word “choice” I know some feminist is about to kill a baby so she can increase her sex partners without decreasing her income.

And yet, even though Dr. Mike has been hanging around outside Planned Parenthood for weeks now, he still hasn’t gotten laid.

So I choose not to hear that word anymore.

So now when Dr. Mike goes to Beefsteak Charlies, he hears the waiter say, “your entree comes with a [blank] of beer, wine, or sangria,” which just results in a long and uncomfortable staring contest.

Communism. The communists killed over 100,000,000 people in the 20th Century. That’s a big number. In fact, it’s 1/15,000 as big as this year’s federal budget deficit measured in dollars. So let’s replace this word with something else like “Social Justice.”

Lots of farm team pundits spend their columns kissing Glenn Beck’s ass, but here Dr. Mike demonstrates an advanced technique known as “the Lamprey.”

Tenure. Tenure is a really ugly word. After professors get it they aren’t as nice and spend most of their time sitting around and thinking of things to do, which are not related to the reason they were hired in the first place.

They might devote most of their time to dashing off smug, repetitive diatribes for a right wing website instead of writing papers in their own discipline. Then they might even submit these non-peer reviewed opinion pieces when they apply for promotion to full professor, presumably first setting the bag on fire and ringing the doorbell before fleeing. And then they might shockingly find themselves turned down for advancement, so they have no option but to sue their own university for violating their First Amendment rights in some way nobody’s figured out yet. And when that’s finally thrown out of court, these professors are left with nothing but their “tenure,” and their dream that one day the world will share their etymological interest in sodomy.

Don’t stop believin’, Dr. Mike.

With Dr. Mike | 34 Comments »

It’s Saturday, which means it’s time to lend a helping, well-lubricated hand to the many eager and intellectually curious types who — through no fault of their own — wind up at World O’ Crap after typing an unfortunate query into a search engine. And if you’ve been following our occasional series, Top Google Searches, you know that we get a lot of questions about boners. Well, they’re not all questions, some of them are declarative statements about boners. Some of them, in fact, are practically boner koans. The point is, it seems we get more boner-related traffic than some sites which actually traffic in boners. But I suspect that a lot of the boner-curious we frequently accomodate will be showing up on K-Lo’s doorstep this weekend:

Freudian slip? Wish fulfillment? A desperate cry for help?

Now some may quibble that Boehner isn’t actually pronounced “boner,” at least not in the original German, to which I respond, we didn’t beat the Nazis in World War II just so our Congressional representatives could master the ümlaut!

I spend a fair amount of time among conservatives and pro-life activists. In their company, Boehner’s name rarely comes up.

In an Alanis Morrisette song, this would be irony.

For some it’s a distrust of those in power that keeps them from embracing him.

Embrace the Boner! It’s really not that powerful.

For some it’s his style, his look and feel.

Granted, his style is “Midwestern Century 21 Salesman,” his look could be described as “Mahogony-Stain Sam Donaldson,” and his feel? I’m guessing “Wrinkled and Knobby.”

From the Sherwin-Williams Senatorial Skin Swatch Chart: Burnt Umber Ümlaut and Blanched Daywalker.

Boehner insisted that Republicans in the House wouldn’t “bend”

Unless they’d had one too many Gin Rickeys.

Anyway, on to this week’s Top Ten Google queries:

1. women make change purse out of men scrotum porn: Look, I’m no prude, but I really think these RNC fundraisers are getting out of hand.

2. Release The Kraken!: I was going to Release the Kraken!, but I, uh…heh…apparently forgot to poke holes in the lid.

3. does sean hannity wear a toupee: No, but he secretly wears a merkin he likes to call “Alan Colmes.”

4. is Nuée Arden a type of lava: I thought it was a new fragrance by Prince Matchebelli

5. ghost nipples: What is “Something Hogwarts students think about while masturbating?”

6. ideal world is shit: Look, I understand some Obama voters are disappointed, but let’s not get all nihilistic…

7. how does Jim Crow look like?: Great, we’re being visited by Bizarro Lester Maddox.

8. STEAMING DILDOE: A forgotten Dan Quayle spends his lonely days churning out steampunk slash fiction.

9. boner grave: This is either a veiled threat against the Minority Leader of the U.S. House of Representatives, or a colloquial term for nude Ann Coulter pics.

10. “ocular virginity”: This refers, of course, to saving your eyes for marriage. At Pensacola Christian College “a student…was disciplined for what is known on the campus as ‘optical intercourse’ — staring too intently into the eyes of a member of the opposite sex. This is also referred to as ‘making eye babies.’” And just try putting one of these up for adoption!

Okay, I’m spent. You guys feel up to taking a whack at the rest…?

11. caesar roller coasters

12. OLD MOVIE, RUBBER PLANTATION, MAU MAU, ATTACK

13. The batmen playboy club

14. which moral theory would the slogan “if it feels good do it” be associated with?

15. fake juggs

For No Good Reason | 19 Comments »