Ben Shapiro is a remarkably versatile man, one who has more careers listed on his resume than most people have jobs. Unsuccessful lawyer. Inconsequential pundit. Philistine film critic. Wizened former wunderkind, and the Right’s persona non grata ambassador to Flaming Youth. He is, in short, a protean fuck-up. A Renaissance disappointment. A Jackoff of all Trades.
So you can imagine how thrilled American Jews must have been when Ben offered to use his awesome intellectual resources to figure out why they’re so stupid. Because if there’s one thing you can’t argue with, it’s on-the-job experience.
Dear American Jews,
I write to you as a charter member of the tribe.
Wow, congratulations on your longevity, Ben. Given your literary flair, I’m guessing you were sort of the William Ayers of the second millennium BCE, ghost writing the Pentateuch for Moses? At any rate, very impressive (although, according to the Masoretic Text, Abraham vouchesafed to Ephron the Hittite that he thought you were kind of a putz).
I’m not only Jewish, I’m religious. I’m married to an Israeli girl (she’ll receive her citizenship next year and she is a proud soon-to-be American).
“In the meantime, we’re staying out of Arizona.”
I go to synagogue regularly, keep kosher, keep the Sabbath.
And, needless to say, keep reachin’ for the stars.
American Jews, I have one request of you: please pull your heads out of your posteriors.
And American Woman, I have one request of you: Mama let me be.
I mean that in all sincerity.
“No, honestly, I’m a huge gratuitous jerk. You gotta believe me!“
Your continued support for Democrats and an administration that is openly anti-Semitic is a disgrace. Your embrace of a party that seeks to hamstring Israel in the name of a wholly fictitious Middle East peace process is contemptible. Your loyalty to a president who consistently sides with Palestinian and Iranian mass murder-supporters is disgusting.
“I’m revoking your circumcisions! Put on these latex novelty foreskins and never darken my door again!”
Rahm Emanuel’s presence in the Obama cabinet doesn’t ameliorate Obama’s anti-Semitism — it just provides it convenient cover. Al Sharpton wrongly called Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell “house negroes”
Trivializing the suffering of an historically oppressed people in order to score a cheap political point — even when you are a member of that group — is the worst sort of bigotry.
Emanuel is a kapo.
This struck me as a little hypocritical, until I realized Ben actually meant that Rahm Emanuel could be used as a device to raise the pitch of unfretted guitar strings.
Even as you continue to buttress a president who seeks the destruction of your co-religionists, you demonstrate your myopia by rejecting the tea party movement and evangelical Christian Israel-supporters.
Who ask nothing of you, except that you hurry up and get your collective asses to Israel so we can get this Armageddon started!
The tea party movement is your ally for three important reasons. First, it supports capitalism against the forces of socialism — and capitalism keeps America strong enough to provide Israel with a hand against its evil adversaries. Second, American Jews are, by far, the highest-earning religious group in the United States — the tea party fights for your right to keep your money. Third, the tea party stands against government overreach — and in an era when government overreach promotes anti-religious secularism, Jews must stand with the tea party.
Who wants to hold the Obama-is-Hitler sign?
Your rejection of evangelical Christians is even more idiotic.
Or, as evangelical Christians would put it, even more idiotic than your rejection of Jesus! Talk about compounding the felony!
Evangelical Christians are the only major voting bloc preventing President Obama from breaking ties with Israel.
Yeah, if Obama isn’t careful, crazy right wing fundamentalists might not vote for him again.
When Janet Porter, an evangelical Florida talk show host
Oh good grief, that flaming ninny!
…heard about Obama’s anti-Israel tyranny, she responded by asking her listeners to buy dozens of yellow roses to send to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s office as a show of support. The price per dozen: $19.48, in honor of the year of Israel’s founding (1948). Over 14,000 flowers were delivered.
Really? Because FTD charges like 50 bucks for delivery within the U.S. If a few hundred tea partiers were able to send a dozen yellow roses to Israel for $19.48, just imagine the kind of cost savings we could achieve if we, say, collected millions of Americans into a massive risk pool and used the advantage of our numbers to bargain with drug companies and health care providers!
Nah. Better just to send Bibi a Pick Me Up® bouquet.
“But they want to convert us!” many American Jews shout. Not all Christians do.
Just the perfected ones, like Ann Coulter.
But for the rest — so what? Would you sacrifice the support of millions of good-hearted Christians because they want to discuss Jesus with you?
Casually, over a pulled pork sandwich at the Automat, or a Drawn and Quarter Pounder at the Auto-da-fé?
If your own belief system is so fragile, the weakness is yours, not theirs.
It’s wrong to blame the victim, unless of course the victim is a wuss.
While you expend energy whining about Jehovah’s Witnesses who show up at your door with a Bible, Obama supports radical Muslims who would show up at your door with a gun — or, as in the case of Daniel Pearl, a butcher’s knife.
This is why I put up a No Solicitors sign.
Now, I understand, American Jews, that most of you don’t care about Israel.
It is, after all, Shania Twain Week on American Idol.
I understand that you’re more concerned about a woman’s unconditional right to abort her unborn child (which Judaism rejects) than you are about Israel. Fine. Understand that you have removed yourself from the vast river of Jewish history in favor of a chimerical morality that values libertinism over liberty.
Uh, Ben? Moses is asking for some rewrites…
I understand that many of you — all of you above age 70 — still think FDR is alive. He isn’t, but Jimmy Carter is.
I understand that some of you — not many — are still trying to follow my argument. Fondue goiter moist grommet.
I understand that some of you still think that conservatives and Republicans are the same folks they were during the 1950s, when they banned you from country clubs. They aren’t.
Now they have guns.
The simple fact is this: There is only one mainstream political ideology in this country that asks you to check your principles and cultural history at the door in the name of the greater good — leftism, the same ideology that virtually exterminated Judaism in Russia and Europe.
Ah, the Liberal Fascism Gambit! Okay, I admit it, Ben — Hitler was a lifelong subscriber to The Masses. But he got it mostly for the recipes, and “Humor in Uniform.”
While the left exploits your adherence to bagel-and-lox Judaism by appealing to your watered-down and perverted “tikkun olam” sensibilities, you are enabling your own destruction. The same people who urge you to reach out to terrorists will be the first to sacrifice you to those terrorists’ tender mercies. The same people who urge you to worry about same-sex marriage rather than religious freedom will be the first to take your religious freedoms away.
I love you, my brothers and sisters. That’s why I’m writing to you. Time is running out; the clock is winding down. Pick a side.
Preferably the side that just spent the last ten minutes peeing on your shoelaces.