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Archive for January, 2008

Vaginas Are The New Islamo-Fascism!

Posted by scott on January 29th, 2008

It wasn’t so long ago that the pages of World Net Daily shrieked about African-Americans recruited by Al Qaeda, jihadist plots to decapitate Britney Spears, and the shocking news that Iraqi terrorists frequently take a break from the insurrection to ape the culinary stylings of the witch from Hansel and Gretel. But even WND seems to have grown jaded, and none of that stuff really seems all that scary anymore — not while America’s youth is held hostage by rogue lady-parts!

From today’s WorldNutDaily:

Dance teacher has baby of boy, 13?
Woman indicted on 22 counts of aggravated sexual assault of child

WorldNetDaily Exclusive
The big list: Female teachers with students
Most comprehensive account on female predators on campus

WorldNetDaily Exclusive
Lust-filled women on sex rampage with your kids
What’s really behind today’s epidemic of teacher-student carnal relations.

Perhaps my experience was unique, but I remember all of my grade school teachers — some fondly, some less so — and while they were a diverse bunch, they all shared the quality of seeming, while in the classroom, to be distinctly lust-depleted. And if they ever did go on a rampage — which candor compels me to admit that occasionally they did — it was usually over my spelling, my penmanship, or my habit of doodling Snoopy in bondage in the margins of my book reports.

Anyway, it’s nice to know we can relax about that whole Clash of Civilizations thing and and get down to fighting the real foe. So fellas, do your patriotic duty tonight and ask your significant other (henceforth known as “enemy combatant”) if she’d let you occupy her Sunni Triangle.

Sometimes They Come Back

Posted by scott on January 29th, 2008

When it comes to riffing on bad movies, I’m a big believer in DIY. But even I, with a dual major in Film Studies and Wood Shop, will admit that some jobs are so dirty and complicated that it just makes good sense to call in a professional. Sure, they’re likely to ream you on labor and materials, and they never show up when it’s raining, but they’ve got the tools and the expertise to do the job right the first time. And to be honest, there are more than few movies that I feel should only be mocked by a licensed contractor.

So I was happy to hear that Joel Hodgson, creator of Mystery Science Theater 3000 has reunited with the original cast — Josh Weinstein and Trace Beaulieu, along with later additions Frank Conniff and Mary Jo Pehl — in a new “movie-riffing delivery system” called Cinematic Titanic. Their first release is The Oozing Skull (a 1972 schlocksploitationer originally entitled Brain of Blood, and directed by grindhouse habitué Al Adamson). Click below for the trailer.

We’ve seen the DVD, and while it’s no MST3K, for a pilot episode it’s pretty damn funny.

Meet Maxine, the GOP Elephant-Pig

Posted by s.z. on January 29th, 2008

To quote from my email from Robert M. “Mike” Duncan:

Dear Republican,

Meet Maxine, the newest member of the Republican National Committee.

Presumably, she’s a high-level member, because she’s so much smarter than everyone else there.

Embroidered with the official logo of the RNC, Maxine proudly shows off her allegiance to the Republican Party’s principles of lower taxes, a strong national defense, limited government and personal responsibility.

Because nothing says “I pledge my allegiance to lower taxes, war, screwing the poor, and to hell with everybody else!” than pink plush.

Anyway, you can get Maxine for a “donation” of $35 to the Republican • National • Committee .  As “Mike” says, “With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, Maxine makes a great gift for that special Republican in your life.”  So, if you want to get laid by a Republican on February 14th, you’d better get your order in soon.

Bam Bam and the Broom

Posted by s.z. on January 29th, 2008

As you know, President Bush delivered his final the State of the Union Is Not My Fault Address today.  So, let’s find out what two of our favorite Concerned Women For America, Janice “Mad at My Mop” Crouse and Matt “Bam Bam Barber,” have to say about totally unrelated stuff.

First, in “Men’s Hearts Can be Broken, Too,” Janice reveals the cause of Heath Ledger’s death: casual sex!

After discussing what Heath’s friends have reportedly said about his broken heart following his break-up from the woman he was possibly married to, (I guess the Beverly LaHaye Institute is conducting a research project on Hollywood gossip mags), Janice confides, “No one can know what was really going on in Heath’s life, and his tragic death is likely a accidental overdose of sleeping pills.”  But even if his death WAS an accident, that doesn’t mean that casual sex shouldn’t have to answer for it.

But in a culture where recreational sex is fast becoming the norm for young adults, tragic deaths like Heath’s (even when the cause is murky) should be a wake-up call. Conventional wisdom tells young people that casual sex is meaningless. Heath’s depression following the break up of his relationship with Michelle Williams is just one example of the fact that not even sexy hunks are exempt from broken hearts.

So, kids, Heath was depressed after his partner and/or wife left him, and then he later DIED, probably accidentally — and this proves that you shouldn’t sleep around because … um … just don’t do it, okay!

Now, here’s Matt ” Bam Bam” Barber, expanding from his “gay sex is icky” repertoire to jump on the “post abortive men” bandwagon,” because not even sexy hunks are exempt from broken hearts.

Women and Men Involved in Abortions Have Tremendous Impact on Debate

Washington, DC (LifeNews.com) — As Americans mourn 35 years of legalized abortion, some of the men and women involved in abortion decisions say the pain and regret from the abortion has prompted them to become strongly pro-life. These post-abortive men and women are the face of not only the pro-life movement but of the problems abortion causes.

Yes, they apparently have two faces: a bossy, controlling one and a whiny one.

Matt Barber, the director of policy and cultural issues for Concerned Women of America told LifeNews.com about his personal account of how abortion affects men.

“Abortion doesn’t only hurt women and kill children; it can also deeply wound the men it touches,” he says. “I’m sad to say that I know this from personal experience.”

“Along with the realization that a woman has chosen to end the life you helped to create, comes a profound sense of loss and guilt,” he explains.

Barber talks about the kinds of daydreams he has about the baby who could have been — and recounts experiences similar to women who terribly regret their abortions.

“I can’t know for sure, but I sometimes imagine my first child was a girl,” he said. Today she would have been about 22 years-old, finishing college, and, I suspect, ready to take on the world.”

Or, she would be the frustrated mother of four unwanted children, married to an underemployed, abusive drunk.  I suspect that she became sexually active at a young age as an act of rebellion against her controlling father — but, because she had never been taught about birth control, got pregnant at age 15, and with abortion not being an option, was forced to marry the guy who knocked her up.  And her life really sucks now, poor thing.

“Perhaps I’d be walking her down the aisle soon. I can’t know. I’ll never know. Only God knows. My child was torn from this world before anyone could know,” he concludes.

I can feel Matt’s pain.  See, I too know the pain of not getting invited to your imaginary child’s wedding.  I hope that Matt can find peace the way I did: by spiritually adopting a bunch of other people’s fetuses and signing them all up for memberships in the National Organization of Women.

Sunday Cinema Presents: The Batman in BDSM ASAP!

Posted by scott on January 27th, 2008

We join our autopsy of the 1943 Columbia serial, The Batman, already in progress…
Chapter Four: Slaves of the Rising Sun!

I was all set for a tragic, yet compelling tale of men drawn inexorably to Marianne Levant’s brothel on St. Louis Street in the French Quarter, good men and true who sacrificed their fortunes, their family honor, even their immortal souls for a kiss from the cruel and mocking lips of a tawny-fleshed coquette.

But all I got was this lousy Batman episode. Anyhow, when we last left our frequently concussed hero, he was stretched across a railroad trestle like Nell from Dudley Do-Right, and about to be drawn and quartered by Thomas the Tank Engine.

But suddenly Robin races onto the tracks and shoves his unconscious boss off the bridge, just seconds before the shaky rear-projection reaches them. (As patently fake as the effect is, I have to concede that the filmmakers came dangerously close to a moment of suspense.) And the danger only increases, because while The Batman has escaped obliteration by locomotive, he and The Robin are now falling toward the river far below, which appears to be a stagnant puddle about two feet deep, leading one to question why the Union Pacific felt it necessary to build a trestle over the kiddie pool at the Community Plunge.

Daka’s boys gather on the bank to see if they’ve managed to keep their DiMaggio-like streak of failures alive. Did they screw-up retrieval of the Radium Gun? Check! Fail to blow up the troop train? Check! But on the bright side, notes Chief Thug Foster, they did eliminate their greatest obstacle:

“Batman and that kid” he declares, “will drown in a few minutes.”

Well…Okay. Grown men have managed to drown in inflatable kiddie pools before, although it usually involved more Blatz beer than we seem to have on hand. I guess there’s no reason to stand there for a moment and make sure. The gangsters trudge off, just as a soggy Batman and Robin climb out of the river – thus demonstrating the limits of faith-based thuggery.

Cut to Daka’s lair, where he squats beside an open trapdoor, tossing Fred Flintstone-sized T-bones to a pair of alligators he keeps in a pool under his office. This pastime apparently fills the Japanese spymaster with glee, since he indicates laughter by carefully annunciating the words, “Heh-heh-heh,” suggesting how the world would look if George W. Bush and Instapundit had a love child who ran a reptile farm. (I realize this observation is a trifle off-topic, but that’s just a sentence you don’t get a chance to write very often.)

Daka is visited by the League of Extremely Ordinary Men, who’ve dropped by to see how the Doctor’s henchmen did in that whole get-the-radium-gun-and-blow-up-the-troop-train event. I don’t mean to impugn Daka’s bona fides as a super-villain, but his schemes are beginning to look less like a quest for world domination and more like an unusually bloody episode of Double Dare.

Daka is so thrilled with the presumed destruction of the troop train that he has a zombie serve “sake,” which at this performance will be played by tumblers full of Welch’s Grape Juice. Then Foster arrives to announce that they killed The Batman and The Robin, but they kinda messed up the other items on the scavenger hunt. Daka goes into a bit of a hissy fit and threatens to fire Foster, whose chest suddenly swells up like John Ashcroft midway through the chorus of “Let the Eagle Soar.”

“That’s okay with me,” the thug rejoins. “I’m fed up with your Jap New Order!” (The movie is vague on this point, but we’re left to conclude that so far as Asian tribute bands are concerned, Foster much prefers the Cambodian Joy Division.) “Maybe the rest of these stooges eat up that applesauce,” he continues, with growing pugnacity. “But I know different. I don’t need any handwriting on the wall to tell me who’s going to come out on top in this war! It’s written as plain and black as DEATH in every newspaper!” (Particularly in the comic strip Barney Google.)

“You’re through!” Foster drones on. “I’m quoting from the winning side, Daka. And believe me, that’s the side where I’m going to be!” It’s interesting that right-wingers regard modern Hollywood as a hotbed of sin and subversion compared to the Hayes Code era, given that this 1943 release seems to advocate overlooking a gangster’s murders, attempted murders, attempted mass murders, high treason, sabotage, grand larceny and terrorism, just because he got a bit shirty with the Mikado.

Daka instructs his zombies to stop Foster, because we’re all getting really bored with his speech, but the ex-thug plugs the lumbering undead, then turns his gat on Daka and sneers, “Now, are you going to let me out, or would you like a quick trip to your ancestors?”

Daka agrees to release him, prompting Foster to crank the sneer up to 11 and really let fly with the italics: “That’s the kind of answer that fits the color of your skin!”

Daka unlocks the door and Fosters utters the immortal words, “So long, suckers!” which would have been a really cool battle cry if only Texas Guinan had fought crime as a costumed superhero. To no one’s surprise, Daka springs the trapdoor and the alligators Ask Mr. Foster if he’d like an all expenses paid tour of their alimentary canals.

A spy radios Daka that the Gotham Foundation is expecting a new shipment of radium at the train station, and only Linda Page is authorized to pick it up. Speaking from painful experience, I’ve just got to say – this is typical. Office temps always get the crappiest assignments. “Great, I’ve got to go all the way down to UPS and pick up a bunch of radioactive matter on my lunch hour . I wonder if I can swing by Quiznos on the way…”

Meanwhile, back at The Bat’s Cave, Bruce and Dick check their contracts, and realize they’re legally obliged to pretend to do something, so they put on smocks and stare blankly at the Radium Gun. Then Linda phones in a panic; it seems that she just received a mysterious call instructing her to visit a fortune teller in a bad part of town, who would reveal where her Uncle Martin was being kept. She begs Bruce and Dick to accompany her, but Bruce says he just washed his hair and can’t leave the house. Linda contemplates breaking up with him, but then remembers that all the straight men and closeted gays are in the Army at the moment, so she really can’t afford to burn any bridges if she wants a date for New Years Eve.

Bruce and Dick get to “Swami Dar’s” place first and beat him up and strip him, leading to the cinema’s first non-consensual de-turbaning.. This time, Bruce isn’t about to let a bunch of thugs outsmart him and kidnap Linda right from under his nose. He stations Dick outside as a sentry, and instructs Alfred to follow her when she leaves. Then he puts on the turban and a shawl, and pretends to be Swami Dar, who tells Linda thanks for coming, but that stuff about finding her uncle was all crap, and she should just go home. Linda is a little miffed about coming all the way down here for nothing, but she’s hourly, so what the hell. She leaves the Swami’s inner sanctum, and is promptly gassed and abducted in the foyer.

Bruce and Dick eventually get Linda back, but not before Daka’s henchmen steal the claim check for the radium and race away in an armored truck. Our heroes give chase, awkwardly changing from their street clothes to their costumes in the car (giving us a glimpse of what it must actually feel like to be The Batman and Robin! And apparently it feels like having to rush straight from work to a Halloween party).

Batman jumps onto the speeding armored car, then climbs into the cab so he and the driver can have a listless, girly slapfight. It’s sort of like Raiders of the Lost Ark if Indiana Jones had been played by Joe Besser; suddenly, they miss a curve and a Matchbox car falls off that mountain Richard Dreyfuss made out of mashed potatoes in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Finally, we’re back on firm and familiar territory. At the end of Chapter 1, The Batman fell off a building. At the end of Chapter 2, he fell off a cable between two buildings. At the end of Chapter 3, they threw us a curve – he just fell down. But at the beginning of Chapter 4, he fell off a railroad trestle, and at the end of the chapter, he falls off a mountain. Now that’s what I call fan service!

What conclusions can we draw from this? Well, as Joseph Campbell would observe, every hero has one mortal weakness. Superman is susceptible to kryptonite. Green Lantern’s ring is ineffective against the color yellow. Wonder Woman is powerless against any man who ties her bracelets together. And The Batman can’t seem to cope with gravity.

Still, they’re heroes because they overcome their vulnerabilities and frailties and triumph over seemingly insurmountable odds. But I still wouldn’t recommend asking The Batman to get up on that stepladder in the kitchen and change the light bulb.

For the first three chapters in the serial, click here: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three

Collect Them All! Trade Them With Your Friends!

Posted by s.z. on January 23rd, 2008

If, after reading the story Scott posted about the fun to be had in “spiritually adopting” other people’s fetuses, you want to join in — well, we have good news for you! At this site we found a certicate you can print out so you can officially “spiritually adopt” an imaginary little embryo of your own. In fact, there are four forms on the page, so I guess you should adopt four of them (they’re small).

Remember to give your kids really cool names (we’re naming ours “Arabella Diantha,” “Herbert Hollingsworth,” “Babbitt,” and “Activia). Ours are all blonde, curly-haired moppets who never shriek all night because of colic, who never have poopy pants, and who never actually need food or medical care or anything. They’re so perfect, and require so little care, we can’t imagine why their “real” mother would ever consider aborting them! We often picture them dancing in the sunlight with Jesus. Oh, dear, little Arabella just swallowed a Lego and DIED! I am so traumatized by my imaginary loss that I don’t know how I will be able to go on — for sure, I will not be able to go to work tomorrow. I think I am going to have to start a spiritual/political movement in order to capitolize on my imaginary pre-abortive loss. Anyway, here’s the certificate:

Certificate of Spiritual Adoption

Name Your Spiritually Adopted Baby


We, the undersigned family, willingly and joyfully agree to spiritually adopt this unborn baby and pray the following prayer on Baby’s behalf for nine months. “Heavenly Father, we love you very much. We beg you to spare the life of the unborn baby we have spiritually adopted who is in danger of abortion.” 

Family’s name                     Date _______________________________________

Unborn Baby’s feet at ten weeks

Teens Use Stranger’s Fetus As A Tamagotchi

Posted by scott on January 22nd, 2008

Remember those virtual pets that were all the rage in the 1990s? Well, they’re back, more life-like than ever, and best of all, they’re in your uterus!

WALLINGFORD, PA. — The bell rang and the eighth graders jumped up, eager to compare notes.

“I named my baby Kyle Patrick,” one shouted.

“Mine is Antonio!”

At the urging of an antiabortion activist, they had each pledged to “spiritually adopt” a fetus developing in an unknown woman — to name it, love it from afar and above all, pray daily that the mother-to-be would not choose abortion.

Ah, another arrow in the Womb Raiders’ quiver. Following upon the success of the pioneering “post-abortive men,” who conclusively proved that the LA Times will give front page coverage to any anti-choice scheme so long as it’s insanely presumptuous, hysterically lachrymose, and slightly more phallocentric than the altpenis.com entry on autofellatio. In today’s page one shocker, the secret anti-abortion weapon involves anonymous, non-consensual stealth adoptions by remote control. I can only hope that after these imaginary fetuses have grown to adulthood, one of them shows up at the door of their “spiritual father” and demands 18 years back child support.

“Maybe one day you’ll get to heaven and these people will come running to you . . . and say, ‘We’re all the little children you saved,’ ” activist Cristina Barba said. She smiled at the students in their Catholic school uniforms. “Maybe you really can make a difference.”

Thirty-five years after Roe vs. Wade, the U.S. Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion, opponents are pouring resources into building new generations of activists. Young people are responding with passion.

Today’s students and young adults have grown up in a time when abortion was widely accessible and acceptable, and a striking number are determined to end that era.

Back alley abortions toughed the poor and improved the breeding stock, ensuring that only the strong would survive and providing our nation with an abundant and vigorous working class, which increased productivity while acting as a check on unreasonable wage growth.

Pew Research Center polls dating back a decade show that 18- to 29-year-olds are consistently more likely than the general adult population to favor strict limits on abortion. A Pew survey over the summer found 22% of young adults support a total ban on abortion, compared with 15% of their parents’ generation …
“You look at pictures of marches [over the years] and the crowds just keep getting younger and younger and younger,” said Derrick Jones, an advisor to National Teens for Life.

In Colorado, a teenager last year decided the state constitution should define a fertilized egg as a person. Kristi Burton, now 20, won a court fight about her proposed amendment and leads the campaign to put it on the ballot this fall …

Here in greater Philadelphia, the antiabortion group Generation Life enlists teens to hand out literature on beaches and guides them through role-playing to hone their powers of persuasion.

At a recent workshop, Claire Levis, 17, played the part of an abortion-rights supporter. “My friend got raped and you want her to have the baby? How can you ask a 15-year-old to go through a pregnancy? That’s nine months of ridicule and pain,” she shouted.

Liz Coyle, 16, responded: “It’s not the baby’s fault. He’s never done anything wrong.”

Claire, You have a moral obligation to let your baby grow up feeling unwanted and rejected, develop reactive attachment disorder, a violent temper, and a substance abuse problem before finally murdering his pregnant girlfriend in a drunken rage. Then we can kill him him in good conscience!

Liz then added: “There are plenty of teachers willing to home-school your friend if she doesn’t want to go to class when she’s pregnant. Or she could go to school, and stand up for herself.”

Really? For most teachers, it’s all they can do to cope with the kids they have during class hours. And while they’re generally compassionate and concerned with their students’ welfare, I don’t know any who are eager to make house calls just so you can roleplay Juno.

The dozen teens watching burst into applause.

“I feel like we’re all survivors of abortion,” Claire said.

And miscarriage. We all survived that, too, and yet nobody is organizing an army of teens to take on the forces of Big Miscarriage. And you know, we’re all survivors of slavery too, when you think about it, in that we’re Americans, and America survived slavery, so it’s totally unfair for only black people to get the reparations.

She has five sisters and a brother; most of her classmates, she said, come from much smaller families. The way Claire sees it, they’re missing out on much joy — and she blames abortion.

“I look at my friends,” she said, “and I wonder, ‘Where are your siblings?’ “

Where are your manners?

This sense that millions of their peers are missing motivates many young activists.

Look, you can stop hand-drawing pictures of blastocysts on the side of milk cartons, hun. Even if there were 20 million more kids your age, I’m fairly sure that none of them would invite you to the Spring Formal. At least, not without double bagging it.

They are also the first generations to grow up seeing images from inside the womb displayed like prized family photos — tacked to the fridge, posted on the Web, pasted into scrapbooks. Ultrasound videos even interrupt their TV shows; the conservative advocacy group Focus on the Family bought ad time to air fetal pictures during “American Idol Rewind” and a college football all-star game.

I thought it was tasteless, but those fetuses did sell a lot of beer.

“Abortion feels more personal for us,” said Kristan Hawkins, who supervises 400 college clubs through the group Students for Life of America.

To you, your abortion is a deeply private thing matter that doesn’t concern anyone else, let alone some stranger with a reactionary axe to grind. To Kristen, your abortion is like Jaws: The Revenge. This time, it’s personal!

Abortion-rights supporters are also reaching beyond the old guard of leaders, which veteran activist Nancy Keenan refers to as “the menopausal militia.”

Exactly! Women who can’t get pregnant have no right to express an opinion on abortion. They need to finally just butt the hell out and let us men settle this.

Tom and Jerry

Posted by scott on January 22nd, 2008

Well, it’s been an interesting few days.  I’ve had Bill O’Reilly and Doug Giles call me an “SP” (Secular Progressive), Tom Cruise call me another “SP” (Suppressive Personality), and now Jerry O’Connell as Tom Cruise is calling me a PYT in Tom and Jerry: Thetan’s Cheerleaders.

Click and enjoy.

Giles to Obama: You’re Not Woman Enough To Take My Jesus!

Posted by scott on January 21st, 2008

In his latest Townhall ejecta, Pastor Doug Giles takes an uppity black man to task for whistling at his white Jesus.

Barack Hussein Obama (or B-HO, as I like to call him)…

“…in public. Behind closed doors I prefer to call him ‘Mandingo,’ or ‘Brown Sugar.’”

…charismatically and emphatically denied reports this week that he is a closeted Muslim and instead declared candidly and with youthful verve that he believes in Jesus Christ.

But Doug isn’t about to let this strapping young buck jack his Jesus!

Brian Williams and Mark Cuban, both carrying parasols…

Oh Doug, you bitch.

…were sitting in the crowd during that news conference, and it has been reported that when B-HO gave this statement regarding his faith that they let out a shriek, threw their panties at him, and then swooned.

Because they’re coo-coo for cocoa poufs.

Yep, this week the junior state senator made it clear that he is not a Muslim but a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. Y’know, the Jesus Christ who’s totally cool with:

1. Abortion being available to mommy in all nine months of her pregnancy

Has anyone managed to source a quote to the savior on this, because Lexis-Nexis is givin’ me bupkiss here…

2. Parents not being notified when their 13 year-old girl goes in for an abortion

Well, Yeshua ben Yosef (or YEB-YO! as I like to call him) was a Jew, and girls come of age at 12 in his faith, so he was probably cool with them buying cigarettes and liquor, too.

3. Opposing any and all bans on partial birth abortion (an act that includes delivery of the baby up to the head, the crushing of the baby’s noggin, the vacuuming of the brain matter and then completed delivery of the child’s deflated cranium)

You know, the Messiah-in-Chief has seemed oddly reluctant to go on record about this issue, but according to leaks from senior White Sepulchre staffers, Jesus feels that if a child dies in the womb, the woman should be required to squeeze it out vaginally anyway in punishment for her lack of hospitality.

4. Advancing the radical homosexual activist lobby in their pursuit to destroy traditional marriage and voting against the defense of traditional marriage

Dude, take a breath! Nobody’s gonna be advancing no fancy gay agenda while there’s still a Texas cowboy in the Oval Office!

(you know, that old Adam and Eve thing God came up with in Genesis?…

Oh Doug, honey, no, you’re not ready for an allegory yet. Start with a parable, try a fable or two, and if that stays down then you can work your way up to Genesis.

…Well, that’s so yesterday with B-HO’s Jesus and his Church of the New Groove)

Remember: Friends don’t let friends talk like the hippies from Star Trek.

5. The creation of “special rights” for people who engage in homosexuality for the sole purpose of putting them at the front of the line on issues of employment, housing and litigation

“Sorry, Bob. You know I’m straight, but I’ve just got to get on the court calendar for March. Bend over.”

6. The advancement of all “hate crimes” legislation, which ultimately could be used to silence pastors who believe—according to their own convictions—that homosexual behavior is . . . uh . . . wrong . . . and preach the same from biblical texts

Not that Doug’s mentioning any names here, but…

7. The continued funding of Planned Parenthood clinics in our nation’s inner cities, which are performing genocide against the populations of African Americans living there.

If you need to find a Planned Parenthood location, just look for the tall crematory smokestacks towering overhead, belching black baby fumes into the sky. But do you hear Al Gore bitching about how millions of vaporized fetuses are adding to Global Warming? (To be fair, many of the abortion clinics have recently tried to reduce their footprint by trading carbon credits with Duke Energy.)

8. B-HO going to a church that propagates anti-white, anti-American and anti-Jewish blather, zany 9/11 “was our fault because we’re racists” rancor, and a “black value system” (Hello! Can you imagine if a white guy did this?)

I did imagine it, but a guy named Bob Jones beat me to the Patent Office.

—all via a pastor who has hung out with Qaddafi and honors Louis Farrakhan. Isn’t that special?

Doug, do you really want people to hear the Church Lady in their heads when they read your column? Because I’ll be honest, it’s usually a constant struggle not to.

It has to be that “Jesus” whom B-HO follows because the one clearly defined in Scripture wouldn’t put up with that crap for a nanosecond.

As Kanye West said, “Jesus Christ doesn’t care about black people.”

C’mon, Barack. You can’t play the Billy Graham I’m-a-solid-Christian-man card when your voting record and your church’s manifesto are that vapid toward biblical verities.

Your Billy Graham impression is crap, man! If I may make a suggestion…try conking your hair and getting into an anti-semitic conversation with the President.

As far as I’m concerned, B-HO is to Christianity what Michael Jackson is to heterosexuality: He might be one, but he’s certainly not the poster child for the cause. I’ll give him that much.

Because at least he can pass the paperbag test.

You know, when I watch Obama and the other secular “progressives” queue up to play the Christ card, it takes me back to John Kerry in 2004 when he tried to convince gun owners and hunters that he was Nimrod.

The only way Obama and his followers can keep Christ and their liberal credo is to blow off huge chunks of the Bible and replace Scripture with the make-believe notions of SP’s new malleable “Gumby Jesus” who offers “suggestions” instead of thundering commandments.

Excuse me, Pastor, but have you brushed up on your Beatitudes lately? You know, “blessed are the poor,” “the meek,” “the merciful,” “the pure of heart,” “the peacemakers”…The “thundering commandments” were mostly in the first volume, and while I know you Bible nerds insist the OT is the shit, and the NT is a weak-ass sequel that totally wimped up the main character in an effort to appeal to a wider audience, you have to admit, it’s still canonical, and not a hoax or imaginary story.

By the way, you’re about to get a cease and desist letter from Bill O’Reilly for ganking his “SP” shtick.

The giddy, in love with B-HO Christian skipping around the maypole wearing rose-colored glasses needs to understand something: If it were left up to the punch drunk secular Left, evangelical Christians would officially be SOL in the USA, fo’ shizzle my nizzle.

I am a lot of things, Doug, but I am not your nizzle.

How a true believer in Christ (as defined by Scripture)…

“…Well, the Old Testament. The one He’s not in. Look can we just move on??”

…can say he or she believes in what Jesus, the prophets and apostles said and side with such a liberal politico simply because he is “charismatic and youthful” is beyond me.

And that goes double for that priest-ridden Papist JFK!

I’d love to have an evangelical Christian (as classically defined) who backs Obama wade in here on the comment thread and defend (biblically):

And by that he means, you have to use Doug’s copy of the bible, including his margin notes and doodles of the savior’s penis.

1. Obama’s voting record on life and marriage

2. his allegiance to a clearly anti-white, anti-Semitic, anti-American pastor/congregation

3. why B-HO, if he doesn’t buy into what his minister of mayhem propagates, doesn’t officially leave the congregation and disassociate himself from his mad maharishi and his bigoted beliefs?

C’mon . . . hit me with your best shot.

Sorry, DU-GI. I might take on Pat Benatar, but otherwise, my Daddy taught me not to hit girls.

The Hell?

Posted by s.z. on January 20th, 2008

A brief round-up of some really weird stories.

 1.  Oliver Stone To Direct ’Bush’ project - Variety

Oliver Stone has set his sights on his next directing project, “Bush,” a film focusing on the life and presidency of George W. Bush, and attached Josh Brolin to play the title role.

Um, okay.  That might be something that people would want to see, I guess.

But here is my favorite Stone quote from the article:

“I want a fair, true portrait of the man. How did Bush go from an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world? It’s like Frank Capra territory on one hand …”

Featuring Jimmy Stewart as “George,” the alcoholic bum who loses the deposit money and thus dooms the Savings and Loan.  But then he gets his dad’s friends to make up his losses, and he eventually becomes President of the United States — and then he leaves the nuclear codes in the bank, where they are picked up by mean Mr. Potter Osama, and the world is destroyed.  It’s the feel good hit of the season!

 ”… but I’ll also cover the demons in his private life, his bouts with his dad and his conversion to Christianity, which explains a lot of where he is coming from. It includes his belief that God personally chose him to be president of the United States, and his coming into his own with the stunning, preemptive attack on Iraq. It will contain surprises for Bush supporters and his detractors.”

I’m sure it will also contain surprises for God, who had no idea he was being blamed for election fraud.
2.  Copied directly from WorldNetDaily, here is their lead headline:

‘Jesus’ held hostage over ‘wiener poopie’

Neighbors fed up with dog residue steal God statue, send ransom note

This has Dr. Mike written all over it!
Anyway, we want to thank WND for bringing us this important news.
3.  Now, let’s see what’s new at Renew America:

Keyes places 3rd in Utah Republican Assembly group’s straw poll

I guess it’s time to move to another state with smarter straw.

But here’s another Renew America exclusive:

Separation of church and state: straight from the mind of Hitler

So, if you don’t vote for Alan Keyes and his “Theocracy the Way God Intended It” platform, then I guess you’re pro-Hitler.
4.  Let’s wrap things up with a visit to Bill O’Reilly’s Fox News site.  So, Bill, what have you been up do lately?

Undercover Investigation
‘The Factor’ goes inside swingers club rocking small Texas town
Read the transcript

I’m not into the Falafel scene like you are, Bill, but thanks anyway.

Then there’s this:

Disturbing Charges
Allegations that General Electric is doing business with Iran and bin Laden family post-9/11

As we said about the allegations that Bill kidnaps and sexually harasses puppies, which he then skins and eats, using their fur to make his designer suits, “Disturbing if true.”

But hey, let’s not leave without catching Bill’s latest “Shouting Points Memo.”

FOXNews.com – Dishonesty in Politics and in Media

Because if anybody knows about dishonesty in media, it would be Bill — and this memo proves it!

More dishonesty in politics and in the media. That is the subject of this evening’s “Talking Points Memo.”

Let’s look at our pal John Edwards, who’s running for president. Edwards contends there are “two Americas,” one for the rich and the other for everybody else. And that everybody else is getting hosed. The fix is in; the economy’s rigged.
“Talking Points” doesn’t believe that. Of course the rich do have advantages, but I am living proof that you can start with very little and prosper economically if you work hard and keep it honest.

Yes, Bill’s is a true Horatio Alger story of a man who rose from a humble middle-class upbringing to multi-millionare status, all through hard work and honesty.  And blowing Roger Ailes.

To hype up this class warfare, Edwards is now bringing in homeless veterans.


Tonight, across this country, 200,000 men and women who wore our uniform and served this country patriotically, veterans, will go to sleep under bridges and on grates.

Now I’ve said on this program that we will pay for homeless veterans to be taken to the Edwards mansion in North Carolina for shelter. Of course, that’s an immature remark, I know that, but there’s a reason I’m saying it.

Because Bill is immature?

Naw, it’s also because he’s a big blowhard, an insensitive jerk, and possible sociopath.

Certainly there are homeless veterans, but it’s not because of the economy. It’s mostly because of addiction and mental illness, something politicians can do little about.

Yes, there is nothing that politicans can do to help addicted or mentally ill veterans get shelter or medical treatment, so it’s dishonest of Edwards to talk about them.  I mean, giving them any kind of medical care or benefits or anything is just crazy talk!

Fine. Here’s the truth about poverty in America, Mr. Edwards. Listen up. You might learn something. And you need the lesson.

If you earn less than $10,000, you are poor. If a family of four earns less than $21,000, they are poor. Yet according to the government census, poor households in America have lots of stuff.

Ninety-seven percent have a color TV, 78 percent a DVD player, 80 percent an air conditioner, 73 percent a car or truck, 63 percent cable or satellite TV, and 43 percent of poor households in the USA own the home they are living in.

It’s GREAT to be a poor person in America!  They live better than Bill does!

So if the poor are not destitute in America, and they obviously are not, why are so many veterans sleeping under bridges, John Edwards? The answer again is they’re mostly addicted or mentally ill. It has nothing to do with the economy.

But they are still living under bridges in one of the wealthies countries in the world.  Doesn’t that bother you, Bill?

Edwards is a charlatan, a man either too uninformed or too dishonest to be elected to anything. I am tired of hearing this nonsense from him and other callow politicians. We deal with facts here on “The Factor,” not fiction. John Edwards owes us an apology.

I think we need to make an updated version of Trading Places (1983), with Bill O’Reilly playing the smug rich guy dumped on the streets to live as a homeless person.  I would pay to see it — in real life, I mean.