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Archive for January 20th, 2008

The Hell?

Posted by s.z. on January 20th, 2008

A brief round-up of some really weird stories.

 1.  Oliver Stone To Direct ’Bush’ project - Variety

Oliver Stone has set his sights on his next directing project, “Bush,” a film focusing on the life and presidency of George W. Bush, and attached Josh Brolin to play the title role.

Um, okay.  That might be something that people would want to see, I guess.

But here is my favorite Stone quote from the article:

“I want a fair, true portrait of the man. How did Bush go from an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world? It’s like Frank Capra territory on one hand …”

Featuring Jimmy Stewart as “George,” the alcoholic bum who loses the deposit money and thus dooms the Savings and Loan.  But then he gets his dad’s friends to make up his losses, and he eventually becomes President of the United States — and then he leaves the nuclear codes in the bank, where they are picked up by mean Mr. Potter Osama, and the world is destroyed.  It’s the feel good hit of the season!

 ”… but I’ll also cover the demons in his private life, his bouts with his dad and his conversion to Christianity, which explains a lot of where he is coming from. It includes his belief that God personally chose him to be president of the United States, and his coming into his own with the stunning, preemptive attack on Iraq. It will contain surprises for Bush supporters and his detractors.”

I’m sure it will also contain surprises for God, who had no idea he was being blamed for election fraud.
2.  Copied directly from WorldNetDaily, here is their lead headline:

‘Jesus’ held hostage over ‘wiener poopie’

Neighbors fed up with dog residue steal God statue, send ransom note

This has Dr. Mike written all over it!
Anyway, we want to thank WND for bringing us this important news.
3.  Now, let’s see what’s new at Renew America:

Keyes places 3rd in Utah Republican Assembly group’s straw poll

I guess it’s time to move to another state with smarter straw.

But here’s another Renew America exclusive:

Separation of church and state: straight from the mind of Hitler

So, if you don’t vote for Alan Keyes and his “Theocracy the Way God Intended It” platform, then I guess you’re pro-Hitler.
4.  Let’s wrap things up with a visit to Bill O’Reilly’s Fox News site.  So, Bill, what have you been up do lately?

Undercover Investigation
‘The Factor’ goes inside swingers club rocking small Texas town
Read the transcript

I’m not into the Falafel scene like you are, Bill, but thanks anyway.

Then there’s this:

Disturbing Charges
Allegations that General Electric is doing business with Iran and bin Laden family post-9/11

As we said about the allegations that Bill kidnaps and sexually harasses puppies, which he then skins and eats, using their fur to make his designer suits, “Disturbing if true.”

But hey, let’s not leave without catching Bill’s latest “Shouting Points Memo.”

FOXNews.com – Dishonesty in Politics and in Media

Because if anybody knows about dishonesty in media, it would be Bill — and this memo proves it!

More dishonesty in politics and in the media. That is the subject of this evening’s “Talking Points Memo.”

Let’s look at our pal John Edwards, who’s running for president. Edwards contends there are “two Americas,” one for the rich and the other for everybody else. And that everybody else is getting hosed. The fix is in; the economy’s rigged.
“Talking Points” doesn’t believe that. Of course the rich do have advantages, but I am living proof that you can start with very little and prosper economically if you work hard and keep it honest.

Yes, Bill’s is a true Horatio Alger story of a man who rose from a humble middle-class upbringing to multi-millionare status, all through hard work and honesty.  And blowing Roger Ailes.

To hype up this class warfare, Edwards is now bringing in homeless veterans.


Tonight, across this country, 200,000 men and women who wore our uniform and served this country patriotically, veterans, will go to sleep under bridges and on grates.

Now I’ve said on this program that we will pay for homeless veterans to be taken to the Edwards mansion in North Carolina for shelter. Of course, that’s an immature remark, I know that, but there’s a reason I’m saying it.

Because Bill is immature?

Naw, it’s also because he’s a big blowhard, an insensitive jerk, and possible sociopath.

Certainly there are homeless veterans, but it’s not because of the economy. It’s mostly because of addiction and mental illness, something politicians can do little about.

Yes, there is nothing that politicans can do to help addicted or mentally ill veterans get shelter or medical treatment, so it’s dishonest of Edwards to talk about them.  I mean, giving them any kind of medical care or benefits or anything is just crazy talk!

Fine. Here’s the truth about poverty in America, Mr. Edwards. Listen up. You might learn something. And you need the lesson.

If you earn less than $10,000, you are poor. If a family of four earns less than $21,000, they are poor. Yet according to the government census, poor households in America have lots of stuff.

Ninety-seven percent have a color TV, 78 percent a DVD player, 80 percent an air conditioner, 73 percent a car or truck, 63 percent cable or satellite TV, and 43 percent of poor households in the USA own the home they are living in.

It’s GREAT to be a poor person in America!  They live better than Bill does!

So if the poor are not destitute in America, and they obviously are not, why are so many veterans sleeping under bridges, John Edwards? The answer again is they’re mostly addicted or mentally ill. It has nothing to do with the economy.

But they are still living under bridges in one of the wealthies countries in the world.  Doesn’t that bother you, Bill?

Edwards is a charlatan, a man either too uninformed or too dishonest to be elected to anything. I am tired of hearing this nonsense from him and other callow politicians. We deal with facts here on “The Factor,” not fiction. John Edwards owes us an apology.

I think we need to make an updated version of Trading Places (1983), with Bill O’Reilly playing the smug rich guy dumped on the streets to live as a homeless person.  I would pay to see it — in real life, I mean.

Sunday Cinema Presents The Batman in: When Zombies Attack!

Posted by scott on January 20th, 2008

Chapter Three: Mark of the Zombies!

I was hoping the title referred to an actual person — like Lawrence of Arabia, or Sgt. Preston of the Yukon — named Mark, who hobnobs with the Undead, because frankly I’m kind of sick of The Batman and Robin, and could really go for a new character right about now. Alas, it’s not to be, so let’s suck it up and review: so far, the two big cliffhangers have both involved The Batman falling off a building (Click here and here for the tedious details). This time, however, the filmmakers spice it by having our frequently plummeting hero drag Linda to her death along with him, as the two free-falling lovers unite to squish Robin.

How does The Batman survive this time? Honestly, I haven’t a clue. It appears that Robin throws The Batman a line as he plunges 32 feet per second per second, he catches it, performs the Indian Rope Trick in mid-air, then shins safely down to the ground with his unconscious girlfriend still draped around his shoulders like a mink stoll. Of course, due to the Ritalin-deprived editing, I can’t be entirely certain this is what happened, but I’m pretty sure I saw Hadji do a similar thing once on Jonny Quest.

As you recall, in the previous episode, Daka’s Chief Thug Foster also performed a bit of legerdemain, grabbing a live wire barehanded and magically using it to turn an ordinary steel cable into that fuse from the opening credits of Mission: Impossible! But having failed to kill the Caped Crusader by electrocuting himself, Foster suddenly remembers that he has a gun, and – feeling a little sheepish, I’m guessing – pulls it out and starts shooting. But it’s too little, too late.

The other thugs predict that Daka won’t be pleased, but Foster hotly retorts, “I’m not afraid of him or any other squint eye!” (Meaning, I presume, that he is also not afraid of Robert Newton’s Long John Silver from Treasure Island.) So while Foster is a traitor, a saboteur, and a murderer, at least he isn’t sporting a pair of epicanthic folds.

True to the thugs’ premonitions, Daka is irked at this latest in their unbroken string of blunders, and acts out by putting Uncle Martin under a hair dryer festooned with spark plugs and a rearview mirror. The doctor turns on a bunch of non-UL approved appliances he got at the Castle Frankenstein yard sale, and Uncle Martin’s salon-style dryer hood fills up with thick, roiling smoke that looks less like a special effect and more like an industrial accent, but either way it probably explains why we never see this actor in another movie.

Having zombified Uncle Martin and given him a Marcel finger wave, the thugs fit him with his own electronic non-thinking cap fashioned from a vibrator and a Salad Spinner. Then Daka picks up a Mr. Microphone and tells his newly made slave to stand. Uncle Martin stands. He tells him to turn to the left, and he turns to the left. He orders Uncle Martin to follow him, and he does, thus demonstrating Daka’s total and irresistible control, and the zombies’ basic need to be micromanaged. But then the Japanese spymaster promptly ruins the effect of his sinister mind-control transmitter by singing karaoke through it and shouting at passing girls, “Hey good-lookin’, I’ll be back to pick you up later!”

Meanwhile, back at Wayne Manor, we learn that Bruce has placed an ad saying that he’s found a radium gun and asking the owner to contact him, in the hope that Dr. Daka will see it while checking Craig’s List for local Full Body Sensual Massage therapists.

Cut to an office, where Alfred is donning a false beard. Not to disguise his identity – none of the thugs have ever seen him – but because, well, beards and Batman just go together, much the way that Shakeys has managed to unify the normally discrete elements of Food, Folks, and Fun. The thugs show up, threaten Alfred, then The Batman and Robin burst through a window and it’s on, bitch! To be honest, the action that ensues is less of a fistfight and more of a heavily clothed orgy, with the heroes and the thugs all rolling around together on the floor like a Wesson oil party at Plato’s Retreat, except without John Bolton or Florence Henderson.

The Batman and Robin manage to get Foster out of his jacket and are working on his pants, but it’s slow going (foreplay was a more involved process back when criminals wore suspenders and a belt, not to mention the gentleman’s hosiery garters). Suddenly, Alfred finds a gun on the floor, closes his eyes, and starts randomly shooting. Since his boss is directly in the line of fire, this may constitute history’s first example of a disgruntled employee.

After Alfred clears the room, the heroes go through Foster’s jacket and find a map showing the exact time and place where the bad guys plan to blow up a troop train. Now, this document would no doubt baffle the average citizen, but the World’s Greatest Detective is able to deduce from it that Daka’s men are planning to blow up a troop train at a particular time and place. Take that, Superman!

Cut to a trestle, where Foster is setting the bomb. The Batman sneaks up behind him and tries to get frisky with the terrorist, but he’s distracted by the constant need to fling his cape back over his shoulder. By this point, I suspect it’s not a design flaw, but an affectation, like Ann Coulter’s habit of flipping her mane back whenever she’s fumbling for a misogynistic ad hominem. When The Batman isn’t busy fussing with his wardrobe, however, he and The Robin manage to smack around a couple of the day players, while a rear projection of some hobbyist’s Lionel train set bears down on them. The thugs scatter, and The Batman frantically tries to disarm the bomb, but he can’t figure out if he should cut the red or the blue wire, because they’re both in black and white. Just then, a fleeing crook flings a wrench and coldcocks the Caped Crusader, who collapses onto the tracks, right in the path of an approaching HO scale locomotive! As suspense goes, it’s not exactly the climax of Stand By Me, but at least they didn’t end the episode with him falling off the trestle. I mean, too much of a good thing…

How will The Batman escape being crushed beneath the wheels of a grainy 16mm loop of a model train set? Join us next Sunday for Chapter Four: Slaves of The Rising Sun!