This piece is either from Michelle Malkin’s latest Townhall column, or the 14th Annual Bad Sex in Fiction Awards (queasy, ambivalent h/t to Elizabeth).
I need a man.
You have seemed crankier than usual lately…
A man who can say “No.”
You like it when he plays hard to get, doesn’t call, makes you beg for it? Right, right I hear ya…
A man who rejects Big Nanny…
So no diaper play. I’ll call David Vitter and give him the bad news…
A man who thinks being president doesn’t mean playing Santa Claus.
Because the holidays are over and it’s really time to retire that fantasy for awhile and get back to The Woodcutter and the Milk Maid, or the Border Patrol Agent and the Strip Searched Immigrant.
A man who won’t panic in the face of economic pain.
And if he taunts a homeless man with a silver dollar and then laughingly chucks it into a spittoon — all the better!
A man who won’t succumb to media-driven sob stories.
And if a child who survived a traumatic head injury testifies on behalf of federal health insurance, and you don’t fling a quarter at his skull just to see if you can bounce it off the soft spot, then you’ve just lost yourself a vote, pal.
A man who can look voters, the media and the Chicken Littles in Congress in the eye and say the three words no one wants to hear in Washington: Suck. It. Up.
Because the three word response is inevitably, “two hundred dollars.” Unless you won’t spring for the full Jeff Gannon, and try to cadge a Larry Craig-style freebie instead.
Which leading GOP candidate represents fiscal accountability and limited government?
This is a trick question, right?
Message to Washington: Stop treating every defaulting borrower like Mother Teresa.
“Roger. Washington to defaulting borrowers: Stop feeding the lepers! Over.”
At last week’s Fox News debate in New Hampshire, the He Men of the GOP field went all mealy-mouthed when asked about the signs of recession. Mitt Romney asserted our need to “stop the housing crisis.” Does he mean the government should insulate borrowers and lenders from culpability?
That’s only for political appointees and Bush Pioneers!
As for “Straight Talk” Sen. John McCain, he immediately pitched federal education and job training programs for laid-off workers. “We need to go to the community colleges and design education and training programs so that these workers get a second chance. That’s our obligation as a nation.” It is? This is conservative?
Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses? And what about that Soylent Green idea — borrowers could refinance their homes using their children’s caloric potential as collateral — now that‘s conservative!
As we head toward Super Tuesday, the subprime mess and the economy will dominate — and the Do Something Democrat candidates will turn their spigot of overextended homeowner sob stories on full blast.
Where are the Do Nothing Republicans whose rock-like insensitivity will give Michelle the schadenfreudegasm she so desperately needs?
Come on, fellas, time to step up. All you have to do is act like a sociopath and I’m telling you — she’s a sure thing.