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Archive for November, 2006

Pearl Harbor for the Christmas Warriors

Posted by scott on November 29th, 2006

As s.z. mentioned below, World O’ Crap was recently favored with a visit by Bob Marley, the fearless Christmas Crusader and offspring of a mesalliance between a Jamaican reggae artist and the co-proprietor of a Victorian counting house.  Bob posted his comments in a forgotten two week-old thread, which must have been fun since he had the place to himself, and could stay up as late as he wanted, make prank phone calls, and dance around in his underwear to old Bob Seger songs.

And why not?  Much like the Democratic Party in the afterglow of the midterm elections, Bob is riding high.  He, his brother Alfalfa, and the other guys in the He-Man Happy Holiday Haters’ Club have brought mighty Wal*Mart to its knees, and are about to bomb our educational system back to a pre-Madelyn Murray O’Hair state of grace.

From their impregnable base at www.savingchristmasinmass.com, they labor ceaselessly to ensure that this season we all enjoy a more, shall we say, Cathaginian Peace on Earth; and as they roll on unopposed to…


Seems the juggernaut may have hit a bit of a snag.  It appears that Bob forgot to renew his domain name.

Domain Name: savingchristmasinmass.com

Name: Admin -
Organization: Maltuzi Holdings
Address: 800 West El Camino Real Suite 180
City, Province, Post Code: Mountain View, CA, 94040
Country: US
Phone: 650-814-6730

Creation Date: 11/27/06
Expiration Date: 11/27/07
Domain Status:

Maltuzi Holdings appear to be consummate cyber-squatters.  As one dissatisfied customer wrote:

If you came here looking for Maltuzi Holdings, you’re probably wondering what the hell is going on with your domain name.

Maltuzi Holdings picks up domains that others forget to pay for, buy domains that are misspellings of popular domains, and try to plant links to these domains in weblogs and forums. If they are contacted they play stupid better than any other company I’ve ever tried to deal with. Dont even bother trying to talk to them, it’s a waste of time.

Apparently, these guys are professional name-nappers.  They lie in wait untill a domain name is free and then grab it–usually on the day the original registratione expires.  They also excel in mass-registering deliberately mispelled domains in an effort to steal traffic.

Ordinarily, I’d feel bad for Bob and the rest of his Crusader Rabbits, especially since he probably directed people to his website when (or if) he appeared on Fox News.  But since he feels that Christmas belongs in commercial establishments, then surely he also believes that commerce belongs in Christmas, and as any visitor to the new savingchristmasinmass.com can see, it’s fiercely dedicated to the sale of merchandise with a traditional Christmas theme, such as cards, ornaments, and office supplies.  Not to mention its many Yuletide links to airline travel, used cars, casino gambling, ringtones, and dating services for Jewish singles.

So I say to Bob, don’t despair!  Don’t look upon this as a setback in your campaign, but as yet another way to touch people with the true meaning of Christmas.  Yesterday, it was Wal*Mart.  Today, the schools.  And tomorrow, Real Estate Training and Pet Supplies!

Onward, Christian Soldiers!  (Or, more specifically, Onward Those Who Support Our Christian Soldiers, But Feel That They Themselves Can Best Contribute To Our Ultimate Victory In The War On Christmas By Creating Websites And Then Forgetting About Them, But Making Up For It By Posting Comments In A Moribund Thread On Some Obscure Blog.)

The Latest War On Christmas Casualty Report

Posted by s.z. on November 29th, 2006

It seems that Bob “These Are the Chains I Forged at Wal-Mart” Marley, the guy who almost single-handedly saved Christmas in MA, Googled himself and found Scott’s post Have a Coke and a Heil.”  So, he honored this humble blog with some classified war reporting, which we feel compelled to share with a wider audience.  

Take for instance this important WOC manifesto: 

To all you cool-aid drinking secular progressives, I can understand your disappointment, you fought so long and so hard, notwithstanding, we have unraveled in weeks what it has taken years for you to achieve. When we are finished with the stores, the schools are next.

Zounds, despite his inability to spell, this Bob has foiled our carefully laid plan, which we have worked on for decades, to force Wal-Mart to commercialize some other religious winter holidays.  And Bob now has us on the run, for in this country you gotta take the stores. Then when you get the stores, you get the schools. Then when you get the schools, you get the power.  And when you get the power, you get the women. 

Or something like that.

Anyway, Bob also reveals another of his side’s secret plans with this comment:

One more thing, we will be on the Fox News Network tomorrow asking all Christians to crusade with us and knock the seculars’ back into corn-“flake” land where they came from.
Again, Merry Christmas to all

Wow, I wasn’t expecting some kind of Christmas crusade.

[Just then, to the flare of trumpets, in bursts in Cardinal Cratchit.  His empassioned speech goes a little something like this.]

NOBODY was expecting a Christmas Crusade!  Our chief weapon is stupidity…stupidity and bullying…Our two weapons are stupidity and bullying…and a ruthless sense of victimization.  Our three weapons are stupidity, bullying, and a ruthless sense of victimization…and an almost fanatical devotion to being on Fox News.   Our four…no… Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as stupidity, bullying…. I’ll come in again.

And so on.  But I imagine that Scott may have more to say to his new friend Bob (who is not to be confused with the new kitten Bob, whose only cause is liberating turkeys into cat gullets) — and if so, it will be both informative and full of seasonal cheer.

But speaking of Fox News, Bill O’Reilly is back from his Harvest Celebration vacation, and has already announced his victory over the forces of O.J. Simpson and retail stores, and his martyrdom at the hands of book reviewers and mental health professionals.

While on vacation last week, I cheered the Simpson victory from afar and the return of Christmas to most retail stores in America. Both are big wins for Americans, who believe this country stands for what’s right and promotes positive things like Christmas — a federal holiday that encourages good will toward all people.

Now I knew when I returned to work that the far left secular forces in America would not take kindly to those two victories and to the fact that my book “Culture Warrior” is a huge success. And I was correct. The print press clippings over Thanksgiving show stepped up attacks on me by fanatical SP columnists from coast to coast.

Many of these loons are still denying there is a Christmas controversy –even though one is before the Supreme Court right now.

“Controversy.”  “War.”  They are basically the same thing — and, per Bill, you are a loon or a liar if you think otherwise.  

Anyway, tune in tomorrow when we will be discussing little Ben Shapiro’s latest column on the Controversy on Terror (preview: it will remind you of Annie Jacobsen).  See you then! 

The 2007 GOP Pinup Calendar

Posted by s.z. on November 29th, 2006

You can buy it here, and it’s only $25!  And, as Ken Mehlman told me in an email, “A longstanding tradition in the homes of our Party’s most loyal members, the 2007 RNC Calendar helps you show your continued support for our cause.” So, I know that you too will want to buy several copies for fear of being branded one of the most disloyal Party members, and being sent to the gulag.

Plus, it’s a nice visual depiction of the raison d’être of the Republican Party: covering up fears about one’s manliness.  Here’s Mr. August to demonstrate my thesis:

Another man might have allowed himself to consider the niggling suspicion that the white Marlborough Man cowboy hat was a tad over the top, and that people might get the impression that he was over-compensating for something – but only Dick “Dick” Cheney would dare to combine said hat with a giant soft-focus phallic symbol.  And that’s why he’s our Vice President.

While this is a great photo, the other month’s shots are also impressive.  So impressive, in fact, that we want to use them for our next ”Caption This” contest, which we are going to start today.

So, if you think you’re man enough, caption THIS!


Best answer wins a digital copy of the June centerfold.

Chips Off the Old Blockhead

Posted by s.z. on November 28th, 2006

While we weren’t paying them any attention, the Bush twins (Jenna and Gob), turned 25.

To mark the occasion, the girls got robbed, got drunk (we’re just guessing about this one, but it explains a lot), and may or may not have been asked to leave the country.  (Another country, that is.)

Here’s the gist of the report:

Amid a growing barrage of front-page headlines, U.S. embassy officials “strongly suggested” President Bush’s twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara Bush, cut short their trip to Buenos Aires because of security issues, U.S. diplomatic and security sources tell ABC News.

But the girls have stayed on, celebrating their 25th birthday over the weekend and producing even more headlines about their activities.

Officials say the media coverage upstaged publicity plans for the new U.S. Ambassador Anthony Wayne, who had only recently arrived in the country.

Neither the White House nor the U.S. embassy in Buenos Aires responded to requests for comment.

The Argentinean press blitz followed a report on “The Blotter” last week that Barbara Bush’s purse and cell phone were stolen last weekend while dining at the popular San Telmo outdoor marketplace despite being guarded by the Secret Service.

Stories of the twins’ visit took on wild proportions in the Argentinean press. One tabloid headline had the young women running nude in the hallway of their hotel, a report the hotel staff denied to ABC News.

But watch for the documentary “Presidential Girls Gone Wild,” which will soon be available wherever skanky videos are sold.

According to sources, the U.S. embassy encouraged the two girls to cut their stay short because the added attention was making their security very difficult. 

But to the dismay and anger of some U.S. embassy and security staff, the girls stayed on. 

Thursday night, an ABC News producer was able to walk into their hotel unchecked and engage Barbara Bush in conversation while she checked her e-mail on a computer in the lobby.

A truly enterprising reporter would have told us what kind of e-mail Barbara gets. But since ABC news fell down on the job, here’s our recreation of the subjects of the contents of Barbara’s inbox:

URGENT REPLY NEEDED: Help Me Claim Billions in Argentine Nazi Gold, and You Can Keep a Third of It

Re: My Secret Service Agent is Such a Dork!

Re: Where Do You Get a Drink in This Town?

We’re sure you can think of some others.

But back to the story:

Jenna sat talking with friends on a sofa nearby. No Secret Service agents were anywhere to be seen in the lobby, according to ABC News’ Joe Goldman.

And yesterday the Bush twins were spotted at the Sunday soccer matches, wearing team jerseys and sitting in the owner’s box, watching Argentina’s top team Boca Juniors compete. Several games have been canceled due to violence in the crowds this year. In fact, last weekend no spectators were allowed to attend the match other than season ticket holders.

Reports indicating that Grandma Bar suggested that the twins visit Argentina without Secret Service agents so they could watch a soccer match there with with that nice Diego Maradona, are probably unfounded, since although the girls have been an embarrassment to the family, Bar would have no family left if she started eliminating people for that reason.

Sources tell ABC News the twins plan to stick to their original itinerary and stay in Buenos Aires until Thursday. 

But wait, there’s more! It seems that the embassy has denied declaring the girls persona non grata, and buying them one-way tickets to Peru.

The U.S. Embassy in Argentina rejected reports that it had told President George W. Bush’s twin daughters to leave the country after a widely publicized purse-snatching incident. [...]

ABC News reported on its Web site Argentine officials confirmed last week that one of Bush’s daughters had her purse stolen in San Telmo, a neighborhood popular with tourists. The incident led to teasing by Argentine media about the twins’ seemingly ineffective Secret Service bodyguards.

“We have seen a report from news sources stating that embassy officials strongly suggested that President Bush’s daughters curtail their visit in Argentina,” the U.S. Embassy said in a written statement. “This is false.

“The embassy welcomes the visit and has provided close support and cooperation,” the statement read.

Translation: “We LOVE having the President’s wild, uncooperative, hard-living daughters here, creating international good will and enhancing American prestige by ditching their guards, getting mugged, and having wild parties in their hotel.  And we especially enjoy the fact that this all occurred under our auspices. We only hope that brother Neil and Jeb’s brood show up here for Christmas.”

So, You Want Pathetic Kitten Photos?

Posted by s.z. on November 28th, 2006

Okay, here is pound kitten Bob.  Unfortunately, he was born with only half a tail, half a Hitler mustache, and half of an evil Spock goatee.  However, if you buy your Amazon stuff by clicking through the Wo’C portal, we can buy Bob the rest of his mustache.  Won’t you help Bob to achieve his full evil potential?

Here is Bob with Kit, one of the orphan kittens I handraised.  Both are hungry and waiting to be fed, since they haven’t eaten anything since that chicken they stole off the cabinent a couple of hours ago.  For just clicks a day, you can help to fill these bottomless pits.  Won’t you please help?  

And here is Ziggy, one of the semi-feral kittens from last year.  As you can see, he isn’t a cute little kitten anymore, but he still believes he matters.  Here he is, doing his audition for “Death of a Salescat.”    “Attention — attention must be finally paid to such a cat,” he insists.  He would also like to be fed.  So, if you can find it in your heart to give him a few clicks, then maybe he won’t rip your throat out.  (Seriously, he is the sweetest cat in the whole world, and would never rip out anyone’s throat — that job would go to Flossie, the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, who would probably then share your juicy innards with the others.)

 So, I hope this has satifisfied your kitten lust.  If not, we’ll post photos of more of the brood later this week . . .  

Well, He Might Be Right About Condi

Posted by s.z. on November 27th, 2006

Shorter Mark Steyn: “We are going to lose this war on terror because: (a) Episcopalian women don’t have as many babies as suicide bombers do; (b), because Scarlett Johansson is a slut who won’t have my babies; and (c) because Condi Rice is an idiot.  So, it’s all the damn women’s fault!”

P.S.  Today we learned (via Mark’s snippy comments to Mr. Hindrocket about a Ralph Peters column which contradicted Mark’s assertions) that Mark does NOT like being referred to as “pop pundit” (or a “rash”).  So, we invite you to come up with a better descriptor for him.  (I previously had referred to him as a “smug Canadian bastard,” but I received complaints from other smug Canadian bastards who didn’t want him lumped in with them.)  So, what DO we call him?

Brother, Can You Spare a Click?

Posted by scott on November 26th, 2006

Just a little tin cup rattling…  If you have a moment, check out our Amazon affiliated store to your immediate left, stocked with the stuff dreams are made of (or at least, the stuff Wo’C readers seem to enjoy, based on what you’ve also ordered when buying the book).  A small percentage of each order made by clicking through the store link will trickle down and help to support World O’Crap and its many dependent kittens.

Happy Day-After-Thanksiving

Posted by s.z. on November 24th, 2006

I hope you are all enjoying the leftovers (my animals are certainly grateful for the turkey scraps that my Mom sent home with me), and having a nice relaxing day, hopefully full of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes. 

And since you presumably have even more to be thankful for today than you did yesterday (the American Family Association ended its ban on Wal-Mart, freeing us to not shop there; the distant relatives probably went home, and might not have to talk to them for another year; etc.), so today might be a good day to think about how you can share some of your blessings with the less fortunate. 

Scott posted about giving toys to homeless kids (which is possibly the easiest way to make your own day, as well as to bring a smile to a kid, EVER!).  

My church is having a drive to donate stuff to the local thrift store (the store employs people who really need jobs, it offers bargains on a wide array of stuff to the general public, and it donates household goods to people who need it, AND it allows the community to get rid of clutter without guilt), which is an easy way to feel like I’m doing something good.  You might want to go through your own closets and donate something (even something good) to your own local charity this weekend, since it’s a way to help others without spending any money.

But, of course, we don’t want you to forget Anntichrist S. Coulter’s friend Lee, who has probably had as hard a life as anyone living in 21st century American can.  So, if you’re feeling a warm, post-holiday glow today and want to extend the feeling by doing something nice to somebody who deserves it, think about using the PayPal button other there and sending a few dollars to help Lee get the brain surgery she needs.

Now, on to the snark.  As I was going through the ULTIMATE WINGNUT nominations (which I hope to announce tomorrow), I thought of a new category for the contest: “The Next Ted Haggard.”  I see this as a chance to recognize those men of God who most deserve a spectacular fall from grace, even though winning this award won’t actually guarantee that their hidden vices will become public knowledge, alas. My nominee for this honor is Pastor Rod Parsley (who apparently isn’t the same person as Ross Parsley, who took over for Pastor Ted).  Here are just a few reasons why, courtesy of an American Prospect Online piece from last year:

Parsley, a Bible-college dropout who claims to have begun his evangelical career in his parents’ backyard by preaching to a tiny congregation nearly 20 years ago, now boasts a 12,000-member church with affiliated schools offering education from preschool through college; a daily television program, Breakthrough, seen on the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN) and other fundamentalist-Christian television outlets; a 2,000-member fellowship of affiliated churches; and a political organization, the Orwellian-sounding Center for Moral Clarity. But Parsley, who is hailed by the theocratic Christian right as a model of virtue and a representative of “values voters,” has been questioned by congregants and even his own family about his church governance and secretive fund-raising practices.



“Probably President Bush would not be in office today had it not been for him,” said Bishop Harry Jackson, a black pastor from the Washington, D.C., suburbs and a fellow rising star in the religious right. ‘Nuff said.


Now, on to reason #2:  Because of the people he hangs out with.

Owing to the breadth of his appeal (black, white, young, old) Parsley has been embraced by the GOP leadership and the right-wing punditocracy as a representative of “moral values” — from Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (who had Parsley and Jackson at his side when he hosted a news conference in support of the judicial nomination of Janice Rogers Brown), to Texas Governor Rick Perry (who had Parsley, along with Perkins and American Family Association President Don Wildmon, on hand when he hosted his controversial Sunday bill-signing ceremony at a Christian school, where Parsley called gay sex “a veritable breeding ground of disease”), to Ann Coulter (who helped him launch his book tour), to National Association of Evangelicals President Ted Haggard (who has called Parsley “a bold, dynamic man of faith who’s committed to doing the right thing no matter what”), to Bush himself (who included Parsley on a conference call to religious leaders shortly after the announcement of John Roberts’ nomination to the Supreme Court).

Anybody who’s been endorsed by Frist, Ann Coulter, Don Wildmon, Bush, AND Pastor Ted deserves a fall, don’t you think?

But here’s probably the most important reason: because he preys on the poor.

Exactly how Parsely purports to “help” the poor, both black and white, is evident in his practice of Word of Faith theology, also known as the “prosperity gospel.” Word of Faith is a nondenominational religious movement with no official church hierarchy or ordination procedures, which emphasizes the absolute prophetic authority of pastors, the imperative to make tithes and offerings to the church, and the power of an individual’s spoken word to lay claim to their spiritual and material desires. Purveyors of Word of Faith, like Parsley, teach their flock to “sow a seed” by donating money to the church, promising a “hundredfold” return.

Word of Faith has been popularized, in large part, by the immense growth of TBN — a nonprofit entity with a 24-7 lineup of regular evangelists and faith healers, including Parsley, assets of more than $600 million, and annual revenues approaching $200 million, making it the closest competitor to Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network.

The most prominent critics of Word of Faith are Christians who consider it a heretical distortion of the Bible. According to these critics, Word of Faith preachers prey on people of modest means, promising prosperity in return for putting money in the pocket of a self-anointed prophet.

Yeah, that’s pretty much the gist of why I think Pastor Rod deserves to be the next Pastor Ted: because he asks his followers to donate money they can ill afford, and he offers no accountability for what he does with the money.  (Although it is known that he has a million dollar house, a personal jet, and several relatives on the payroll.)

Here’s more:

In fund-raising appeals, for example, Parsley has urged people to burn their bills and donate to him to free themselves from debt. Through his Web site and television program, Parsley sells “covenant swords” and “prayer cloths” — kitsch objects that he claims will bring the purchaser miraculous freedom from financial problems as well as any physical or emotional ailments. He has written that “one of the first reasons for poverty is a lack of knowledge of God and His Word,” and that “the Bible says that to withhold the tithe is to rob God.” He pressures his congregants to tithe 10 percent of their gross income, in addition to offerings, which are aggressively sought two or three times during each service.

Besides the kitsch and the advice to give him the money that should be going to pay the electric bill, his claims that he can heal the sick, inclduing AIDS sufferers, if they will just show enough faith by donating money to him, are also pretty obnoxious.  Anyway, if you want to be disgusted, read the rest of the article.

But here’s a bit more, from Christianity Today’s Meet the Patriot Pastors:

Parsley spends 15 minutes explaining how the [Center for Moral Clarity] has filed an amicus brief with the Supreme Court regarding an upcoming abortion case. He runs through several emotional tales of children who survived abortions as their pictures flash on the screens above. But amicus briefs don’t write themselves. Soon the donation envelopes go around; $40 gets you a World Harvest Reformation Bible and a copy of the brief.

This plea for money is a staple of Parsley’s services, with people urged to stand up, raise their hands, or hold their cash in the air. Parsley routinely exhorts church members and viewers of his television show to donate (or “sow a seed”) with the expectation that God will bless them 30, 60, or 100 times. Parsley has written that “the power to create wealth is one of God’s gifts under the covenant” and that James 5:3, 7 promises “that in the last days there is going to be a great transfer of wealth [to Christians].”He is living proof of the “success” of this prosperity gospel. News reports and property records have detailed his 7,000-square-foot home, his San Diego vacation property, and his two $60,000 vehicles. In high demand as a speaker, Parsley travels everywhere by private jet, even to Botkins, a small town two hours by car from his base near Columbus.

 And that’s why Rod Parsley (AKA “Male Pubic Hair”) is my nominee for the “Next Ted Haggard” award.  Feel free to submit your own nominees, if you think there is anybody more deserving than ol’ Rod.

At Last, A Good Use For The Homeless

Posted by scott on November 23rd, 2006

As cannon fodder in the War on Christmas!  Gavin at Sadly, No! recommends filling a Playskool Trojan Horse with homeless kids and letting them conquer Christmas from within:

Christmas in the City is a non-religious volunteer organization that works with Boston’s homeless families and assists them in making the transition from homelessness to independent living. The major event each year is an for more than 2800 homeless kids and their families, where the kids are fed a huge meal and turned loose into a giant-ass indoor carnival-playground-thing with moonwalks and pony rides and fire trucks — and at the end of the party, every kid gets a toy he requested from Santa.

Gavin has a link to the Amazon Wishlist where you can buy the requested toys.

Happy Turkey Day…From The Batman!

Posted by scott on November 23rd, 2006

This day has always been special to me. Growing up, it seemed that among all the major holidays, it was only Thanksgiving that always managed to fill me with horror and despair, invariably offering up a watery, lukewarm buffet of angst, resentment, parental abandonment, drunken confessions, and an aunt and uncle who announced their divorce through gritted teeth while struggling over a bowl of cottage cheese suspended in Lime Jell-O.

All that changed, however, when a kind soul sent me a stack of tapes from the first Mystery Science Theater 3000 Turkey Day Marathon. I not only discovered a TV show that made life worth living, I discovered a festive, heart-warming holiday tradition that made Currier & Ives look like Hieronymus Bosch. But most importantly, as a result of MST3K I was lucky enough to meet a few smart, sympatico folks for whom bad movies were also a touchstone. And not just the ones from Touchstone.

And so in honor of my favorite day of the year, here’s a traditional , from me to you:

Okay, enough with the roseate glow of nostalgia. Pour yourself a rocks glass full of Welch’s Grape Sake and join us for Chapter Five of The Batman: The Living Corpse! (The Dick Cheney Story).

Last week, The Batman was in the cab of a speeding armored car, violently attempting to get to second base with the driver as the car plunged off a treacherous mountain road. When last seen, the runaway vehicle was falling hundreds of feet to the valley floor, delivering all inside to a certain doom. How could our hero have possibly escaped this time?

The answer: He couldn’t. And he didn’t. He perished in a fiery crash, and you’re all witnesses.

But this week, The Batman was rescued by the dedicated archivists at the Eastman Kodak House, who apparently discovered a previously unknown director’s cut in the basement of a Slovakian tannery. This time, as the same sequence unspools, you will note that the Eastman technicians restored a brief, but crucial shot of The Batman leaping from the armored vehicle just before it crashes through the guardrail. I think the lesson here is pretty clear: if you’re the kind of person who falls to his death from great altitudes on a weekly basis, don’t ever piss off a film preservationist.

So anyway, our hero jumps off the truck just before it turns into a collectible miniature and falls off a paper-mache mountain. He lies facedown in the dirt for awhile, allowing us to observe that the seams in Batman’s cape are as thick as French braids. Probably all the real cape-making material was needed at the front, so The Batman’s was sewn together out of recycled superhero costumes collected in a Cape Drive by patriotic newsies.

Robin pulls up in the Cadillac and helps our hero to his feet, inquiring solicitously, “Are you alright, Bruce?” Oh great. Thanks. I go to all the trouble of putting on this asinine get-up to protect my identity and you just go and blow it! Why don’t you just take out a personal ad in the Village Voice? “Saw you fighting gangsters. I was bare-legged, with short-shorts and opera gloves. You were dressed as a bat. Call me.”

Back at Daka’s lair, the evil spymaster is holding a staff meeting with the League of Doughy White Guys Who Never Seem to Get Any Lines, and attempting to raise morale by cataloguing all of their most spectacular recent failures: Retrieved the radium gun? No. Stole the radium shipment? No. Killed The Batman? Sorry. Disciplined the minions we sent to do all that stuff? No, because they fell off a mountain and died before we could issue them a written warning. It’s kind of like a Dilbert cartoon, except with fewer donut jokes and more fake Japanese guys with mustaches so thin they can slice a tomato.

Daka gets a call from a Japanese submarine that has just returned from a secret mission to Staples, where they bought lots of impractical office furniture for the conning tower. The captain reports that he has also brought Daka “a package from Japan,” but they can’t deliver it to him directly, because it mostly contains used schoolgirl panties and tentacle rape hentai videos, and he’s kind of embarrassed. Instead, they plan, with a deviousness typical of the Oriental mind, to smuggle it into the country by dropping it off at “Smuggler’s Cove,” which is the last place the authorities would ever think to look.

Meanwhile, the government sends Bruce a letter typed with invisible ink (it’s got to really be a pain to change that ribbon), telling him to protect a prototype airplane engine from spies by getting a job at the “Lockwood Aeronautics Company.”

Back at the lair, Daka’s Occidental lackeys carry in a large, heavy, black lacquered coffin trimmed with silver, which the submarine had left lying on the beach at Smuggler’s Cove, figuring that would never arouse suspicion. Inside, along with copies of Upskirt! Magazine and the complete Overfiend collection is a dead Japanese soldier. Daka appears to revive the corpse by accessorizing it with a pair of high voltage Hercules Power Wristbands, but it’s hard to tell, since the whole resurrection sequence was shot out of focus. The no longer dead guy tells Daka that the Emperor would like him to steal a plane with a super-secret new engine from Lockwood, then gives him a roll of film and re-dies. Daka takes this cryptic encounter as a signal to make everybody watch his vacation slides. (“Here’s me and Hirohito and Tojo at Mount Fuji. Shoot, I blinked in this one…Here we are doing cannonballs in the reflecting pool of the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo. We were so high…”)

How can they possibly evade the tight wartime security and break into the Lockwood Aeronautical plant? It seems impossible! But Daka has a plan, which involves two mechanics from Lockwood happening by sheer random chance to come by the Japanese Cave of Horrors and hang around outside until a carnie offers them free tickets so they can take the ride and get kidnapped. So yeah, it was impossible.

Look closely, and you’ll see that one of the mechanics is played by future Ed Wood regular Kenne Duncan. But don’t look too closely, because his nickname amongst the Wood stock company was “horsecock,” and you just might poke your eye out!

Hey, I just realized, except for the instant replay from last week’s cliffhanger, we haven’t even seen Batman this episode. And we didn’t actually see much of him in the last one, either. Is he pregnant? Is it like when Gillian Anderson got knocked up during the second season of the X-Files, and we’re going to start seeing Batman wearing big overcoats all the time and carrying things to hide the bump?

Anyway, the mechanics’ car gets stuck in the middle of the Japanese Cave of Horrors. “Good thing we got in free,” the first one remarks. “This thing is strictly from hunger,” agrees Kenne. Then Daka appears in a kimono, and they’re instantly charmed. They follow him into the lair, where they are overpowered by a couple of middle-aged zombies. Cut to the lab, where Daka has placed the captured men under his mind-control hair dryers, and is giving their brains a permanent wave.

The next day, Bruce and Dick, disguised as war workers, infiltrate the Lockwood plant. Meanwhile, Daka sends the zombified mechanics to steal the experimental plane, which Bruce is hiding in for reasons which are apparent to nobody. Dick follows the zombies into a shed near the airstrip, arriving just in time to see them knock out the genuine flight crew. Instantly, Dick changes into an older, chubbier stunt double and attacks the zombies, who promptly beat him up.

The mechanics instantly hop to it and change clothes with the flight crew, moving swiftly and efficiently, their eyes keen and alert as they constantly scan their surroundings. Then they remember they’re zombies, and shamble slowly out of the room.

The plane takes off, with Bruce hiding in the rear compartment. Since a test was scheduled, he has no reason to assume that anything is amiss, but succumbs to an irresistible urge to put on his Batman costume anyway. So now the nature of our hero’s motivations becomes a bit more clear. It’s not a thirst to avenge the murder of his parents that drives him, but more the sort of compulsion that drives a crossdresser to wear boy shorts under his coveralls at Aamco.

Suddenly, Dick radios Bruce that the two men flying the plane are imposters. The Batman replies, “Call it into headquarters!” and says that he’s going to remain hidden for the duration of the flight so he can discover where their base is located. Cut to Daka’s lair, where he’s watching the two men pilot the plane via an invisible dash-mounted TV camera. Then the doctor switches to Camera 2, and sees the Batman emerge from the rear compartment. Um…What happened to that whole “I’ll hide here so I can secretly infiltrate their base” thing?

Well, according to Glen or Glenda?, most crossdressers have a secret urge to be discovered, and Bruce simply couldn’t overcome his desire to put on baggy tights and be gawked at by zombies.

The two mind-controlled minions forget about flying the plane and go into the rear of the fuselage so they can wrestle with their guest. Meanwhile, an Army officer orders the plane shot down, and immediately, stock footage of heavy artillery from World War I snaps into action. Bursts of flak set the stolen ship on fire, and it plummets to earth and crashes onto some unlucky bastard’s workbench in the Special Effects Department at Columbia Studios. Great. This always happens at 4:30 on a Friday.

So. Again. The Batman ends a chapter by falling – this time in a crippled aircraft. Any guesses how he cheated death (and the audience) this time? Tune in next week for Chapter 6: The Poison Peril!

And Happy Thanksgiving everyone.