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Archive for January, 2010

Top 10 Google Searches – The Interactive Edition

Posted by scott on January 31st, 2010

Occasionally, we like to take a break from the relentless pace of blogging around here (Ahem!), to answer some of the deep and earnest questions that Google deposits on our doorstep like so many flaming bags of dog poop. Some are quick, Yes or No affairs, while others require a bit more time-intensive exploration. And, like Shake ‘n Bake, you can help!

1. What would turn toilet seat purple? Well, as we all know, purple is the color of royalty, and the toilet is colloquially known as “the Throne,” so I guess marrying Prince Charles would be enough to do it.

2. Rush Limbaugh attractive: No. Next question?

3. putting pens in you’re ass: While this can certainly be done, it tends to make calligraphy much more challenging.

4. [NOTE: These next few queries are all thematically related, so I'm going to treat them as a single question]

(a.) boners in public

(b.) boners in school

(c.) boners in class

(d.) 13 year old with boner

Yes, you appear to be doing it right. Congratulations and FTW! as the kids say.

(e.) Great American boners

This is a medical condition that can result from excessive Teabagging, or exposure to Sarah Palin in running shorts and pantyhose.

(f.) How to get a boner

Please see Question 4, Section (e.).

(g.) boner police

This was a short-lived procedural series on Cinemax.

5. armpit groping movie: This was the Disney Channel’s short-lived attempt to compete with Cinemax After Dark. The musical numbers were quite peppy.

6. Hitler pee: Look, I’m all for fan service, but this is what we in the business call a “narrow niche.”

7. Wacky and fictitious platypus: That would be Paranoid P. Platypus (AKA “The Megalomaniac Monotreme”), who in 2007 was adopted as the official mascot of the Department of Homeland Security.

Much like the U.S. Forest Service’s Smokey the Bear, P.P. Platypus puts a kid-friendly face on important issues like enabling police state overreach, Quisling-style collaborationism, and squealing on your friends.

8. Lake gaga nude: Well, if you must go skinnydipping, I can’t think of a better place.

9. selsun blue shampoo fetish: “My junk is tingling, so I know it’s working!”

10. pubic hair oops: “Alex, I’ll take Things You’re Likely to Hear at Lake Gaga for 200.”

I don’t claim to have all the answers, of course, so in the interests of Open Source development and the unfettered exchange of ideas, I’m appending three additional questions for our commentariat to tackle. (The first one is in honor of D.Sidhe, but everyone feel free to pile on.)

1. druids trick or treating for virgins

2. “the secret” proof

3. definition of mexican Halloween sex position


Betty Friedan is Superfly!

Posted by scott on January 27th, 2010

Pamela Geller of Atlas Shrugs has taken a brief holiday from pointing at Muslims and hissing, like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, to spend time blaming the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act for the existence of blowjobs.

Forty Years of Feminism Now Bearing Fruit

A new documentary, Oral Sex Is the New Goodnight Kiss, chronicles America’s moral decay. Sharlene Azam, a Canadian filmmaker, says, “If you talk to teens [about oral sex], they’ll tell you it’s not a big deal. In fact, they don’t consider it sex. They don’t consider a lot of things sex.” In the documentary, teenage girls talk casually about their sexual experiences and even their forays into prostitution.

One girl sums up the new attitudes: “Five minutes and I got $100. If I’m going to sleep with them anyway because they’re good-looking, might as well get paid for it, right?”

Well that certainly sounds appalling. Of course, this wouldn’t be the first time that kids exaggerated their behavior to shock adults, or a filmmaker edited her documentary with the goal of emphasizing the most sensational, if not necessarily the most representative or illuminating footage. Nor would it be the first time professional scolds have promoted their crusades on the basis of anecdotes, fantasies and urban legends (who can forget rainbow parties?) But even if Azam’s claim that most dates end, not with a chaste peck on the lips, but a Goodnight Hummer (which, by the way, was my favorite book as a child), it seems more likely to be a simple case of puberty, rather than prostitution (Pam doesn’t provide a link, but she seems to have lifted her quotes from this Good Morning America story: “I mean, we’re not looking for our future husbands,” one girl said. “We’re just looking for, maybe like … at our age, especially, I think all of us, both sexes, we have a lot of urges, I guess, that need to be taken care of. So if we resort to a casual thing, no strings attached, it’s perfectly fine.”).

Sounds like the prevailing attitude toward sex when I was in high school. Boy, things sure have…changed.

Azam said that this was going on in good homes right under parents’ noses: “The prettiest girls from the most successful families [are the most at risk]. We’re not talking about marginalized girls.

Because who cares about underprivileged girls’ hymens?

[Parents] don’t want to know because they really don’t know what to do. I mean, you might be prepared to learn that, at age 12, your daughter has had sex, but what are you supposed to do when your daughter has traded her virginity for $1,000 or a new bag?”

Make sure you get your cut? After all, Daddy rented a tux for Baby’s Purity Ball, so her deflowered hoohah owes him like 75 bucks.

This is the bitter fruit of forty years of feminist domination in the United States.

It’s because of feminist dominatrices that otherwise serious online journalists feel obliged to vlog in their bikinis.


Virtue, self-worth, and man’s moral value are DOA in the age of the cultural domination of the left. What an awful stench this decaying corpse gives off, lying in a smoldering, fetid pile of ash.

Cremation: You’re Doing It Wrong.

This is how the phony feminist movement empowered women? Girls selling the it for a handbag?

Sure, The Feminine Mystique had a lot of boilerplate about equal rights and such shit, but most women bought it for the convenient sex-act-to-accessory conversion chart. (Flipping open my old dogeared copy at random, I see that in 1963 a handjob translated to a Jackie O-style pillbox hat, while anal sex could be redeemed for a pair of 1/4 karat diamond stud earrings in a white gold setting.)

Those men-hating parasites have ruined the glorious exaltation of women in 20th-century America.

Ah yes, back in those glorious days when spousal rape was legal. You gals didn’t know exhaltation when it smacked you in the face with a closed fist.

I know. I grew up in it. All one has to do is watch movies from the forties, fifties, and sixties (before the left culture rout) to catch a glimpse of the status of women. We were then formidable, respected, treasured, and above all…revered. It was as good as it gets.

Absolutely! After all, who do you girls respect more? Joan Holloway…


…or this unformidable, unglorious bitch?


To say that feminism was one of the worst things to happen to women is being easy.

And as we all know, a woman who’s “easy” is a woman who has sex!

It has been worse for men.

For men, the 19th Amendment is like the 14th Amendment — in reverse!

The demon seeds of the “liberation” movement are everywhere — including the epidemic of single motherhood, the breakdown of the American family, the street vernacular of “bitches and hos,” the emasculation of men, and the bone-crushing responsibility of single moms acting as mother, father, breadwinner, chief cook, and bottle-washer.

If only Andrea Dworkin hadn’t invented rap music, women would still be treasured, and our bottles would be filthy.

And what has Obama done about all this? He has appointed Kevin Jennings, the founder of GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network), to be his Safe Schools Czar.

Gay men are the worst men-hating parasites.

But this is no surprise, of course. A breakdown of sexual mores and a flouting of convention is part and parcel of the agenda in every society to which socialism has come.

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be lefties.

Every child in America, all 73.7 million of them, should be kept safe from the leftist inculcation of the public school curriculum. Taxpayer money should be used to help set up home-schooling networks and resources across the country.

This will force women to quit their jobs and stay home and teach their children geography. Nothing could be more freeing.

We spend more per capita on education than virtually every other nation, and yet we rank close to the bottom in math and science — so busy are our children being force-fed global warming junk science, the LGBT agenda, a whitewashed Muhammad, and other assorted propaganda.

Home-schools will vastly improve our scientific literacy, and fortunately, it’s a cinch to start your own. All you need is a home, a copy of the Old Testament, a picture of Muhammad, and a can of wood stain (Cuban Mahogany Heavy Distressed or darker).

This is how the left has been destroying America since they took over in the ’60s. Now the teenage girls in Azam’s documentary are reaping what the left has been sowing for decades.

You may have a point, Pam, but honestly, I respect, treasure, and revere you as a woman far too much to listen to a frigging word you have to say.

Internet Advertising: The Future of ADHD

Posted by scott on January 25th, 2010

As you may have noticed, the commercial space on the left side of the blog occasionally summons the likes of Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, and other wingnut harpies, demons, and succubi, so whatever algorithm Google is using to place ads, I assume it involves a Ouija board and a chalice of ram’s blood. In other words, online target marketing is not an exact science. Even so, it strikes me that this ad may be casting it’s net a bit too wide, even for Facebook:


The text reads, in order of increasing incoherence:

“TONIK. Simple, affordable health insurance.”

“I’m happy with my current skin tone.”

“Let me at that eco-friendly app.”


I don’t know what they’re trying to sell me, but as advertising copy goes, it’s a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.


Moondoggie: Man, what a week!


Riley: I’m too pooped to poop. I didn’t think that was even theoretically possible.

It’s Not An Earthquake, It’s Just The Invisible Hand Bitch-slapping You

Posted by scott on January 19th, 2010

Our old friend, Theodore “Vox Day” Beale, “Christian libertarian,” and (by grace of his millionaire dad’s donations to Joseph Farah) WordNetDaily columnist, decided to abandon his usual wingnutty tropes today, and tell Haiti to Drop Dead.

The black hole of Haiti

While Vox, thanks to his religious scruples, is above the sort of seamy sexual innuendo practiced by blogs such as this, he has been known to loosen things up with the occasional racist double entendre.

The impulse to want to help the people of Haiti, particularly in tragic moments such as these, is entirely understandable. It is good. It is human.

Fortunately, Vox “is a member of the SFWA, Mensa and IGDA,” and has evolved beyond primitive human emotions (and most consonants).

But doing something is not always better than doing nothing, and in these particular circumstances, it is also mistaken.

George W. Bush had the right idea: Victims of natural disasters are like hornets; if you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you.

There are already 10,000 aid organizations active in Haiti, one for every 1,000 Haitians.

I’m always inclined to trust conveniently round figures with no supporting links.

How many more are required to make a substantive difference? More importantly, at what point do people begin to recognize that because sending money to Haiti is the root of the problem, it cannot be part of the solution?

I thought a massive earthquake was the root of the problem, but it turns out those 200,000 people were killed by Sally Struthers.

If Haiti needs anything from the United States, it is the 30,000 Haitians who are presently in the United States illegally, and thanks to the Obama administration, will now be permitted to stay another 18 months.

When starving and injured Haitians are asked what they most urgently need at this moment, the vast majority respond, “more mouths to feed!”

Since the Haitian diaspora is made up of Haiti’s most entrepreneurial and productive individuals, Haiti is far more in need of them now than ever.

Sure, we could leave these productive individuals alone, and allow them to continue sending desperately needed remittances back to their impoverished relations, but if they really wanted to help they’d go home and open a tanning salon, or a Pinkberry.

The earthquake is not a sign that people should begin helping Haiti. It is entirely the opposite. It is a powerful warning that people must stop trying to help Haiti.

It’s an international aid program Vox has been developing called Tough Hate®.

Instead, they must leave the Haitians alone to help themselves, which, of course, it is possible they may not be willing to do after decades of dependence on external support.

If you’d like to Read More About It, check out the following books:

1.) FEMA Guidelines for Disaster Preparedness and Recovery
2.) Lord of the Flies

Even the best-intentioned interference can trigger harmful effects capable of lasting decades, as we are unfortunately witnessing in the aftermath of the earthquake. Haiti’s problems are best left to the Haitians for the simple reason that no one else is capable of solving them.

After all, if you can’t lift that collapsed roof off yourself with your own bootstraps, maybe you don’t deserve to not be buried alive.

I Am Become the Pill, Destroyer of Worlds

Posted by scott on January 16th, 2010

I apologize for the scanty posting, but our usual wingnut friends have really been leaving it in the locker room lately. Fortunately, WorldNetDaily has just brought up a young prospect from the farm level, and let me tell you — this kid really knows how to bring the heat.

This year, as the birth-control pill turns 50

…it now has to get yearly prostate exams.

America is discovering a lethal side effect. It’s called moral stupefaction. The pill has made an entire generation of adult Americans progressively more stupidly infantile.

America’s most mature and intelligent adults:


One half-century of a fatal, anti-baby culture is killing us. There is a culture-wide inability to think intelligently about what we have done to ourselves.

Remember the days of uncontrolled fertility and high maternal and infant mortality rates? Man, we were smart back then…

When the saga of oral contraception began in 1960, my surviving peers and I were in kindergarten. I say “surviving” because the pill emerged the year my classmates were conceived.

So you attended kindergarten as a fetus? These Head Start programs are getting out of hand.

This was the year some of my other peers were not conceived.

“[P]eers who were not conceived” seems like an overly fancy term for “imaginary friends.”

The fanatical eugenics crusader Margaret Sanger had been demanding a “miracle pill” since 1923. In 1953 she persuaded a rich, frustrated, anti-child feminist to bankroll hormone experiments on women. Eight-hundred ninety-seven test subjects, who did not want to have babies, simply popped the new experimental drug. Eureka. No babies.

Well, you can’t argue with success. Thanks, Science!

My surviving peers grew up being taught this was success in the name of science, in the name of the future and in the name of the state. The FDA approved commercial sales in 1960, and the Sanger generation, seated in the kindergartens of a government school system, would now give life to a culture of death.

Right after Story Time and finger painting.

I have since wondered which of my potential classmates missed their birth days.

I’m guessing all of them.

And I wonder how many of my kindergarten friends lost little brothers and sisters when the pill went on the market that first year of school – the year my school chums were celebrating each others’ 6th birthdays.

I think you forfeit the right to have your argument taken seriously if
A) You use the word “chums,” and
B) You’re not Adam West.

We were the culminating fruit of the eugenics movement.

That’s the worst name for a school athletics team I’ve ever heard.

Soon my hot-blooded classmates were matriculated into junior high.

To the accompaniment of Foreigner’s Double Vision album.

They were now old enough to taste social freedom themselves, and they all knew exactly what this culture of freedom was. It was an endorsement by science and government to be immature and irresponsible. They knew exactly where babies came from. And they knew this drugs-and-personal-self-indulgence culture was anti-baby. Eureka. Perpetual fun, no consequences, and no babies.

That sounds…awful?

For the Sanger generation, mature family life with children was no longer a part of growing up. Approved drugs could be obtained – free – by the healthy adolescent for a new cultural purpose: to bypass the responsibilities of family.

Mature, responsible adolescents start making babies the instant their testicles drop.

These drugs cured no medical ailment, but promoted a long-term social purpose endorsed by the government. The FDA, the Post Office, the courts and the school curriculum all approved of the new “pill” culture.

The Post Office? Seriously? You’re not just pining for the Fifties like most wingnuts, you’re actually weeping bitter, salty tears over the Comstock Act? Wow. I’m accustomed to reactionary pundits who want to turn back to the clock, but Mr. Botkin apparently wants to turn back the sundial. Let’s check his bio…


Well, you’ve got to admit, he’s got a friendly face.

Geoffrey Botkin is the founder of the Western Conservatory of the Arts and Sciences. He is the host of a mentoring webinar for men at www.westernconservatory.com.

His wife and two daughters are profiled along with (Reverend? Lay Preacher?) Mr. Botkin at Vision for Ministries:

Geoffrey Botkin is a Christian leader and mentor to pastors in New Zealand, a nation that holds promise for the reformation of Christian civilization…Geoffrey is the father of Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkin, recent co-authors of Vision Forum’s best-selling book, So Much More, a book which is reintroducing the West to concepts of multi-generational family fruitfulness and the ways daughters can become cultural leaders by becoming dynamic assets of family and church.

Unfortunately, Anna Sophia and Elizabeth were recently confiscated by the federal government when the FDIC determined they were “troubled assets.” Anyway, back to the way the Pill raped Modern Culture, and then didn’t even have the decency to give it a baby…

Take a pill and engineer the population of an entire nation. Take a pill and be yourself. Take a pill and gratify your desires immediately. Take a pill and protect yourself from the consequences of infantile stupidity.

So there’s a pill that will relieve me of the urge to read your column?

Now, sex and recreation were co-joined with the concept of permanent adolescence. An entire generation was listening to Mick Jagger croon, “Let’s Spend the Night Together,” and Jim Morrison scream, “Light My Fire!”

They were also listening to the 1910 Fruitgum Company sing “Goody Goody Gumdrops” and Frankie Avalon croon “True, True Love” and “Theme from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.”

Federal bureaucrats were doing their part in the revolution, not just giving pills to poor minorities (per Lyndon Johnson), but to school girls (per Margaret Sanger).

She was our worst President ever.

My headstrong peers graduated to yet greater social freedoms, with fewer and fewer responsibilities. The first year of dorm life in college was an opportunity for unlimited indulgence and uninhibited childishness. When the pill didn’t work, my peers threw tantrums to demand a backup, another “fix” for the wages of indulgence. It came that year, right on time, with Roe v. Wade. I remember campus discussions about legalized abortion.

“It’s murder, isn’t it?”

“Of course it’s murder. Everybody knows it’s murder. But it’s legal. And it’s just a baby. The Supreme Court said it’s totally OK to abort. So it’s totally OK.”

How nice that they have Special Ed programs at the college level.

Eureka. Perpetual intemperance, no babies and no arrest warrant for murder.

Well, I’d call that a good day. Now comes Miller Time.

But consequences of the death culture are piling up. The children they never had are not there to keep the economy strong.

If only we had more crack babies on welfare, we wouldn’t have had to bail out AIG.

The government’s solution? No babies. According to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the government must tax more workers to pay for more state-funded contraception so there are fewer children to take care of, thus relieving the nanny state of the high costs of raising children for infantile parents.

Ah yes, Nancy Pelosi — mother of five, and anti-baby jihadist.

But the absence of babies leads to, well, something the Sanger generation does not want to think about: future consequences. Infants think only about the immediate present. Infantile men have the same problem.

Voting Republican?

Could this be true partly because of the pill and what the pill does to men physiologically? An estimated 110 million women currently ingest the pill. Large amounts of unprocessed estrogen and progesterone pass through their bodies, into the sewage treatment systems and back into the water supply…

Male fish down river from these plants are becoming physiologically female.

It’s a valid lifestyle choice.

When male humans drink the water or eat the fish, what happens to them? Why is sperm count falling in American men?

Well, it could have something to do with the industrial and agricultural chemicals that saturate the environment: “Among the estrogen mimickers scientists are concerned about are carbon chlorines, used in many pesticides; phthalates, widely used in the plastics industry to soften PVC; and dioxin, a byproduct of paper processing and herbicides.”

So unless Archer Daniels Midland is using woman pee as a pesticide, I think toxic runoff from factory farms remains a greater threat to public health than the consequences of eating a tranny trout.

Why is breast-reduction surgery on the rise in men?

Well, I don’t know about you, but these boobs are killing my back. Plus, yesterday I got poked by my underwire.

Why do men show such passivity?

Because we’re Passive Purple Four Balls!

Why do they insist that overpopulation is still the No. 1 environmental problem when there are so few babies?

Really? I guess you haven’t been to a movie theater lately. Or a grocery store. Or on an airplane…

Fifty-nine modern nations are plagued by the high-tech benefits of birth-control pills.

And that would be — what? Flying cars? Warp drive? Programmable sex droids?

Each of them have waged a cultural war against babies.

So far, we’ve barely held our own, thanks to our high-tech, birth control-powered weapons, and the babies’ preference for fighting like barbarian warriors — with sword and shield — mostly because their diapers can double as loincloths.

Each of them suffer below-replacement birthrates. Each of them face potential extinction.

Apparently he saw , which opens with the words, “Man is an Endangered Species,” and he’s afraid that soon we’ll all be wearing leather Viking pants and French braids, like Barry Pepper, and mining gold for genocidal aliens who sport deadlocks and platform shoes from the Bootsy Collins collection. But don’t worry, Geoff, because even though we’ll be crapping behind bushes and barely able to summon fire from flint and tinder, we’ll be totally capable of flying thousand year-old F-16s, so we can bomb the Pfizer plant that makes birth control pills.

But concerns such as national suffering, dangerous international geopolitics and the disappearance of entire nations are matters that would require mature thinking – something that was successfully bred-out of the American people when they accepted the pill as, in the words of Hugh Hefner, the greatest invention of the 20th century.

So is it just the Pill, or do all forms of contraception make you stupid, infantile, and indifferent to the disappearance of entire nations? Suppose Luxembourg vanished, overnight — even though the study door was locked from the inside! — would I still be able to solve the mystery — assuming I just use condoms and hadn’t caught man-boobs from girl urine or hermaphrodite mahi mahi? Or would the baffled police have to bring in a consulting detective who likes to bareback?

Turn Off the Lights

Posted by scott on January 14th, 2010

Teddy Pendergrass
Born: March 26, 1950. Died: January 13, 2010.
Teddy was the lead singer of Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes, and went on to a successful solo career throughout the late ’70′s and early ’80′s, even after an auto accident that left him paralyized in 1982.
Here he is singing his biggest solo hit, ““, in a live performance from 1979.

So Pat Robertson’s still here. Rush Limbaugh — still up and walking about. But we lose this guy.
Life ain’t fair.

–Bill S

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Rainy Day Fun-Time Edition

Posted by scott on January 10th, 2010


RILEY: Simon Says…Hold your paws like this!

Whoa Vadis?

Posted by scott on January 9th, 2010

You may remember J. Matt “Bam Bam” Barber — and if so, my sympathies — who first came to our attention in June, 2005, when he was martyred by his employer (scroll down to Allstate Persecutes Christian). Now, granted, he wasn’t nailed to a cross, immolated, wrapped in the skins of wild beasts and torn apart by dogs, or boiled in pitch, he was just fired for being assholier than thou, but it did make him a cause celebre in Right Wingtopia, and led to a stint as a Concerned Woman for America, and later, “Director of Cultural Affairs with Liberty Counsel and Associate Dean with the Liberty University School of Law,” an impressive-sounding position which seems to consist primarily of Matt acting shocked, shocked about the abundance of gay dudes in San Francisco.

Well, today Matt is reaching out to another man who’s been flayed, scourged, and murdered for his faith in Jesus: Brit Hume.

The crucifixion of Brit Hume

During the Roman Empire’s secularist era those who acknowledged the deity of Christ were frequently fed to the lions

Until I read Matt’s column, I’d had no idea that the pre-Christian Roman Empire was secular. On the contrary, I thought they were fairly lousy with gods — indigenous gods, pilfered foreign pantheons, harvest deities, demi-gods, household gods — but then, I’m not an Associate Dean at a law school “committed to academic and professional excellence in the context of the Christian intellectual tradition.”

to entertain — for lack of a better word — the “progressive” elites of the day. There’s little doubt that if many of today’s secular-”progressives” (more accurately: “moonbat liberals”) had their way, Caesar Obama would call out the lions once again.

Nothing more “progressive” than the Roman patricians, as witnessed by their taste for execution by wild animal, which back then was kind of like watching “The West Wing.”

Nothing makes the left lose its collective noodle like an open proclamation of Christian faith.

Which is why liberals haven’t existed since 380 AD. Theodosius stole their noodle.

You don’t see it when Muslims proselytize in government schools; the ACLU doesn’t sue when Wiccans share their witchy ways; militant “gay” activists don’t picket Buddhist temples with bullhorns while inhabitants grasp at Zen.

Astonishing, since Buddhists are known for their militant anti-gay activism.

No, there’s something about Christianity that just drives ‘em nuts. Always has. Always will.

Especially that “liberation theology.” I remember how that drove poor, unabashed leftist John Paul II right off his papal pasta.

Case in point: Fox News veteran Brit Hume both publicly pronounced his own faith in Jesus Christ and boldly suggested that Tiger Woods might find “forgiveness and redemption” for his serial philandering should he “turn to the Christian faith.”

Despite his boldness, he was not immediately devoured by lions.

Hume first offered Tiger the advice on “Fox News Sunday” and then reiterated his sage, though decidedly non-PC council on “The O’Reilly Factor” the following night.

This morning, he appeared on “Fox and Friends” to add rosemary and thyme council, making a savory, lip-smacking broth of sanctimony.

When asked by host Bill O’Reilly what kind of response he’d received for his comments, Hume replied, in part: “It’s always been a puzzling thing to me. The Bible even speaks of it. You speak the name Jesus Christ… and all hell breaks loose.”

Yes indeed.

I’m with Matt here, I really don’t understand why so many people think Hume’s remarks were inappropriate on a news channel. I mean, the only reason I even go to church is to get the updated AccuWeather forecast and the ball scores.

After Hume made his comments, and as if on cue (Lord forgive them for not knowing what they do or why they do it) liberals went apoplectic. Here’s a small sampling:

MSNBC’s reliably raspy Keith Olbermann

“reliably raspy”…?



J. Matt “Fat jokes never get old!” Barber in undated file photo.

While the mainstream media’s rage was clumsily managed (or masked), unbridled hate boiled over in the left-wing blogosphere.

On the sexual anarchist site, “JoeMyGod,” poster “QScribe” suggested that Brit Hume’s deceased son had been “gay” and viciously accused Hume of being responsible for the young man’s suicide: “Brit Hume still hasn’t ‘repented’ for trashing his gay son and driving him to suicide. When I want moral guidance from a pig like that, I’ll be sure to ask. Until then, he really ought to STFU.” (Hume has publicly shared that his son’s heartbreaking suicide played a large role in his acceptance of Christ.)

That’s sort of closing the barn door after the horse has been rendered into dog food and glue. The “sexual anarchist” thing, however, sounds promising — alas, not even Joe of Joe. My. God knows what Bam Bam is talking about.

The next commenter…Commenting on the Huffington Post…

You get the idea.

I get the idea that by “left-wing blogosphere” you mean a grand total of two comments — not even posts — you laboriously cherry-picked.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I very much enjoy watching liberals go goofy when the light of truth pierces that shadowy void called moral relativism. When the left’s religion of choice — secular-humanism — is challenged through exposure to the gospel message, they almost universally and instinctively react with such visceral, knee-jerk spasms. You can set your clock to it.

I used to wake up to the mellow, easy-listening sounds of smooth jazz, but it was too easy to hit the snooze button, so now I set my clock radio to the local gospel music station and let the knee spasms wake me up.

But believe it or not, there’s actually something rather delightful about such hateful lashing about. These poor souls — to be pitied and prayed for — fail to realize that, manifest within their own unwittingly bizarre behavior, is certain affirmation of the very words of Christ on the subject.

Christ was infamous for trolling liberal blogs.

Now, I’m real sorry that most “progressives” and other non-believers feel that Christianity is deficiently “tolerant” or “inclusive” of various man-made religions and lifestyle choices. But it’s just not our call. Christ Himself reveals over and again that the pathway to heaven is a very narrow one, requiring membership in a rather “exclusive” club — a club wherein belief in Him and repentance from sin are the only membership requirements.

As revealed by his holy prophet, Brit Hume.

Christ said: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6). Note that, rather conspicuously, He did not say: “…No one comes to the Father except through me, the Buddha, Muhammad, Ganesh, and — on Tuesdays — L. Ron Hubbard.”

Shhh! Don’t tell Greta van Susteren she’s been pissing away her Tuesdays.

So, Brit Hume had it right, didn’t he? I mean, it is kind of an all or nothing proposition, isn’t it?

That’s the thing about absolutism — IT’S TOTALLY CORRECT!

As my favorite author and Christian apologist C.S. Lewis famously pointed out in his blockbuster book “Mere Christianity,” Christ could only have been one of three things: A lunatic, a liar, or — as Jesus oft claimed and as billions have believed — the sovereign Lord and Creator of the universe.

Or he could have been misquoted. Or a myth. Or a patsy for Paul, the L. Ron Hubbard of the First Century.

Lewis didn’t really think this through, did he?

So, what does this all mean? Well, and please take this in the spirit (little ‘s’) intended: Brit Hume’s woolly, wily, wandering critics really ought to just un-knot their knickers; mudra, mantra or something; and seriously reflect upon the man’s words and heart.

And Matt ought to stop stealing Doug Giles’ shtick.

The Churchill Wit

Posted by scott on January 6th, 2010

I noticed the other day that Dr. Professor Mike Adams is now on Twitter, and wondered how an ego with the brobdingnagian dimensions of his would cope with such a circumscribed medium. But judging by the tweets below (a random sampling from the past few days) the 140-character limit does not seem to impair Dr. Mike’s natural douchebaggery in the slightest. In fact, I’ve gained a new respect for him, and am firmly convinced he could make a luminously inflamed asshole of himself with nothing to work with but punctuation:

True, I did say feminists are so dumb they need seminars to learn to masturbate. I didn’t mean to be offensive. I was taken out of context!

I say “Give me a piece, and give me a chance.” Not “Give peace a chance.” I’m a gun owner, not a stinking hippie.

Just got a bad Amazon review on “Feminists Say the Darndest Things.” I don’t know why the feminist is mad. It’s not like I aborted her dog.

We need an untrasound that identifies future abortion doctors. They, and only they, should be aborted.

Don’t tell me why you support abortion. Tell someone who was adopted.

Maybe it’s almost time for a second Civil War. If you keep telling me to be civil – while taking what is mine – there’s gonna be a war.

New Year’s message from Mike Adams to Muslim extremists: Let’s get it on. Bitches!

Happy New Year everyone! May we bring peace to the world by killing far more Muslim extremists than we did last year!

Speaking of men who wield the Mother Tongue like a tubesock full of gall stones, Pastor Swank has resumed his on again/off again affair with Jim Crow-era terms of endearment:

The Boy screwed up but points fingers at all others who screwed up.

And so America “dodged” another calamity by the skin of its inept Oval Office occupant and criminal-stained shadow government of amateurs spinning the country.

Lucky for us the President has skin.

Obama is the bright and morning star who promised hope in change that would never point fingers; however, Muslims lie per the Koran’s virtue list and therefore Obama can do just that—again—to be orthodox Islamic.

Uncle Samarra Wants YOU for the Caliphate!

It must have been the Hawaiian air that brought our Muslim leader to his senses on this Tuesday’s twosome “screwed up.”

Ever since Obama endorsed it, the Pastor’s brain has been boycotting air.

If Obama does not wise up instead of screw up we’ll all be plugged by a “bullet.”

Which will have to be even more magical than the slug that nailed JFK and Governor Connolly.

His alliances with Islam World Rule will see to that. His Muslim colleagues assisting on Pennsylvania Avenue work night and day to precision the “bullet.”

And it’s delicate work, conjugating the verb “to precise.”

Then Obama calls these cohorts “brave individuals.” But wait a minute? Is he referring actually to patriots left in positions of authority by which we can truly be protected? Or is this another nod to his comrades in setting up the final fall of America? Only time will tell.

You want anything while we’re waiting? Pretzels? Fresca? Maybe a Hot Pocket?

It’s sickening. America has come to this low-level in its history. And this so close after 9 / 11 that we have One of Them Power-Slinging from the White House.

That One is One of Them? It’s even worse than McCain thought!

Rid the White House of its Islamic curse.

Right you are, Pastor. First thing we have to do is return all the Aztec gold to Isla de Muerta, then we need to take blood samples from some pirates…