• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!



    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

Archive for September, 2009

Defend Pretend Whore Hannah Giles!

Posted by scott on September 29th, 2009

HannaHoandSuperflyOKeefe.jpgPoor Hannah Giles.  All she wanted was another excuse to swan about in that hooker outfit she cobbled together for the Pimps ‘n’ Ho’s fraternity mixer, and to prevent ACORN from registering any more black voters.  And what is her reward for preserving the franchise against poor people?  Not only threats of lawsuits from the cashiered subjects of her innocent prank, but also the very real possibility that she and her Mack Daddy James O’Keefe (whose street name is “Superfly,” or “Ichabod Crane” or something like that) could be charged with violating Maryland’s statute on recording a person without their consent.  I ask you, where is the justice?  Do these overreaching prosecutors even care about the child sex slavery ring these two amateur sleuths invented and exposed at the same time?

I think not, and Hannah’s non-Mack Daddy, Doug Giles, feels the same way:

Listen all on the left and the right: Hannah’s motive for doing what she did to ACORN was moral, not political. Her BS detector went off on that organization, and she tackled it. It’s that simple.

In fact, so finely attuned is Hannah’s moral antennae, that she could sense ACORN was engaging in illegal and scandalous practices before she even knew what ACORN did.  Or was.

In her appearance on Hannity last night (9/14/09), Giles revealed that she hatched her plan to go after ACORN’s housing division before she knew anything about it…When asked about the “pattern” of ACORN corruption, Giles offered this “insight” that strongly suggested she hadn’t a clue about the organization beyond her own experience with it. “There’s a pattern and, um,… we knew what we were going into. We’d studied ACORN. We didn’t know about them before we came up with the idea, really. And then we studied them. And we learned what they’re about so the way we approached them was, was what got it.”

It’s a shame law enforcement can’t apply this same positive, results-oriented approach without it being called “entrapment,” or “clairvoyance.”  I mean, it worked perfectly well in Minority Report.  Anyway, back to Doug:

Here’s a little FYI to ACORN and the few media outlets defending ACORN by defaming Giles and O’Keefe’s faith, politics and tactics: You are ticking off the majority of Americans breathing air on our God-blessed United States soil.

Exactly!  Two hundred million people respirating on dirt are outraged that random bloggers have suggested that Hannah inherited the self-promoting dumbass gene from Daddy (I’m leaving out 100 million Americans to allow for the percentage of the population that may be ticked off, but is currently breathing air on our non-sectarian linoleum and blacktop).

Then Doug takes it over the top with the single funniest sentence he has ever written:

If you don’t believe me, just ask Frank Luntz.

Damn, now I owe myself a keyboard.


But it’s not just the paternal instinct that is aroused by attacks on the integrity of the Happily Ignorant Hooker.  Creepy-looking strangers, such as Townhall’s Kevin McCullough, are also aroused by Hannah, and eager to embrace her cause until it becomes uncomfortable, and she can’t stop wondering what that smell is.  Kevin, as you may recall, is an old friend of the blog, going back to the Salon days, and holds the record for the most consecutive uses of the “aptly named World O’ Crap” trope in a single rejoinder.  So naturally, when he speaks, we lend an attentive ear:

Over the last few weeks two courageous young people did the nation a favor by accomplishing something the media establishment, the President, and the people’s servants–Congress, would not. Through the simple act of asking questions, these two twenty-somethings produced perhaps the most effective sting operation ever performed against a crooked organization that seeks to rot society at large through its own diseased corruption…

On the video tapes seen-round-the-world, ACORN workers, literally from sea to shining sea, advised fraud, bragged about murder, and confessed to their own past operations of prostitution agencies. Some of them, including the self proclaimed killer, lauded the current administration as being able to “get things done.”

Like Hannah (I Was A Hooker For The YAF) Giles, and her partner, Pimp Master Melanin-Free, Kevin apparently doesn’t realize that the ACORN staffer who “confessed to murder” was in fact merely fighting Punk’d with punking. Or perhaps he believes that whatever is surreptitiously captured on video, even if it’s not true, becomes true by virtue of being aired on FoxNews, in which cause he should probably hasten to ask Hannah for her rate sheet, and if she takes Discover®.

Speaking of which, thanks to Doug’s latest column, you can get in on the ground floor of Hannah’s lawsuits and indictments, or just tip her for a job well done:


Unrolled dollar bills with a minimum of coke residue preferred.

“Such A Lot of Guns Around Town, And So Few Brains”

Posted by scott on September 28th, 2009

MyPenileBuddy.jpgDr. Professor Mike Adams has apparently discovered that nobody’s much interested in his wan mockery of imaginary feminists, gays, and racial minorities anymore, so he’s decided to steal William Bennett’s idea that President Obama is bankrupting Social Security by permitting black women to get abortions, and then pretend to be upset about it, which gives him another excuse to verbally joust with someone who isn’t there, and doesn’t know he exists.  (Stick around for the big finish, when Dr. Mike does an end zone dance in his Fruit of the Looms and cranks up Queen’s “We Are The Champions.”)

The Un-Aborted Obama

The title is presumably an allusion to the wingnut claim that, had abortion been legal in Hawaii in 1960, Obama’s mother would have terminated her pregnancy rather than endure the shame of the world knowing she’d slept with her husband.

Did you know that about 150 young black people were admitted to Howard University School of Law this year? But, unfortunately, about 1370 black babies were aborted today. How can we effect “social justice” if the health profession kills far more blacks than the legal profession is currently accepting into its ranks?

Well, Dr. Mike, if your contention is that every abortion terminates a potential lawyer, then I think you’ve just made a pretty eloquent argument for abortion on demand.

Isn’t abortion sort of like liberalism in a nutshell? It’s just a way of asking others to suffer the consequences of your own bad decisions.

So I guess that would mean that forced pregnancy is sort of like conservatism in a nutshell?  It’s just another way of asking others to suffer for your erectile dysfunction.

You been supported by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals throughout your political career. What if I trapped a dog in a cage and dismembered him slowly with a pruning tool I stuck through the bars of the cage? What if I then sucked out the bloody body parts with my Black & Decker power vacuum?

I’d say your idea of a progressive dinner, and mine, are very different.

Would PETA demand my arrest? Would they succeed?

Yeah, but you’d probably still wind up playing for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Would this not be eerily similar to what licensed doctors do to babies?

Not really, since a pregnancy is not the same thing as a “baby.”  However, I’ll concede that your fantasies about women gestating canine fetuses is a little eerie, yes.

Isn’t that more serious than animal abuse? Even more serious than ACORN funding brothels with tax-payer dollars?

Once again, you master debater, you’ve backed me into a corner and forced me to admit that Doug Giles’ daughter dressing up like Joan Blondell in Here Come the Brides in an effort to win cash on America’s Wingnuttiest Home Videos is not quite as serious a public threat as cockfighting.

When a white abortion doctor kills a black baby is it a hate crime?

When Dr. Mike Adams attempts to formulate a logical argument, is he really just hate-fucking Aristotle?  Anyway, one assumes the women having the abortion is also black, so you might want to factor her in, unless this is one of those Mandingo scenarios you guys seem to get so hot and bothered about, in which case, please close the door, keep it down, and throw the sweat sock in the hamper when you’re finished.

What would happen if we started shooting unborn babies with guns?

Well, considering you’ve gone to “game ranches” where you basically pay to assassinate the inmates of a petting zoo, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear you’d gone to a hospital and tipped the attending nurse to let you hunt infants in the neo-natal ward.  And while tracking a preemie isn’t exactly the Most Dangerous Game, it’s incubator can serve as a lovely display case once you’ve had the newborn stuffed and mounted.

Update:  I missed this in my brief period of lucidity while writing the post, but as TM points out in comments:

“Well, as they’re still unborn and inside women, I guess that means you’d be shooting people, Dr. Mike.

This is ultra creepy, but I somehow suspect that Dr. Mike was inadvertently admitting to a fantasy of inserting a pistol into a woman’s vagina and firing it.”

(See above photo)

I was recently told that, as a Christian, I should support your health reform bill. But I would not want to be treated in a universal Canadian-style health care system.

I fully support your principled decision to bleed out after a tragic shotgun-cleaning accident.

I just ran into a fellow who was wearing a “Jesus” fish around his neck and an “Obama” hat on his head. That’s like wearing a Star of David around your neck and carving a swastika on your forehead.

Either Dr. Mike thinks progressive Christians are the moral equivalent of Charles Manson, or he was very confused by the plot of Inglorious Basterds.  Still, it’s clear that his anguish over black abortion rates is due solely to his deep love and abiding respect for the African American community.

Since abortion kills so many black males, shouldn’t we call it “homie-cide”?

Or not.

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Sub-Contractor Cats Edition

Posted by scott on September 26th, 2009

First of all, I’d like to give a standing O to the many hilarious and creative right wing porn film titles in the previous thread.  They’re all wrong and rude and absolutely perfect, and make me reflect anew that the World O’ Crap commenters are the greatest commenters in the blogosphere.  Secondly, I’d like to apologize for the spotty posting.  I’m losing five to six hours a day to the cluster headaches, so my productivity (as well as my ordinarily robust resistance to wingnut prose) has taken a bit of a beating.  I was hoping the cats might fill in for me this afternoon, but they refused to be chivvied into any photogenic sort of conflict, and instead spent the day spooning.  In fact, Riley has become so tolerant, if not welcoming, of Moondoggie’s boyish affections that I’m afraid she’s becoming a cougar.


Yes?  What?  Can I help you…?

Enter the Exciting World of Right Wing Porn!

Posted by scott on September 23rd, 2009

Our friend David E. wrote to say:

My favorite pron movie title (I haven’t seen the movie, but the title will forever stay with me): Lezbollah.

Maybe we need a new contest, for best conservative pron title? Like, Why Don’t We Cuddle in the Road or Exit Only: The Story of My Anus?

I think that’s a terrific idea; let me see if I can help get things started.  How about:

Daddy’s Purity Balls

Two Wetsuits and a L’il Dildo

Larry Craig’s List #2: Knockin’ On Heaven’s Stall Door

Please submit your own nominations for the AFI’s 100 Greatest Conservative Porn Films, and possibly win a valuable prize (probably a Seka movie on Betamax — we haven’t worked out all the details with Doghouse Riley).

Boys to the Gymnasium, Girls to the Home Ec Room

Posted by scott on September 22nd, 2009

If you were following the Values Voters Summit, you undoubtedly heard about a shocking new development in self-abuse.  According to Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn’s chief of staff, Michael Schwartz, “all pornography is homosexual pornography,” even ostensibly heterosexual pornography, because although you may be straight when you start wanking, you’ll be a five-alarm poufter by the time you conclude the transaction.

Now I’m in no position to contest Schwartz’s conclusions, since I haven’t seen the raw data from his study.  All I can say is, if looking at pictures of nude women turns you gay, it’s taking a very long time.  Elsewhere in the blogosphere, however, this theory has aroused a bit of ribald commentary, but Rebecca Hagelin aims to prove that the “Playboy = Gayboy” theory is No Joke, by offering up a column with the flavor — and title — of a late 1950s junior high school mental hygiene film.

Pornography and You

I can hear the softly clicking sprockets of the 16mm projector already…

No one wants to talk about America’s growing addiction to pornography.

Most people prefer to express their feelings about it through the interpretative dance language of masturbation.

Certainly not me, but I do quite often

That’s pretty much the definition of addiction.

…because I know it is one of the greatest evils of our day.

For those of you keeping score at home, here’s Greatest Evil’s current stats:

Number 1 Greatest Evil of Our Day:  Osama bin Laden

Number 2 Greatest Evil of Our Day:  Iran (except for its plucky protesters, who we prefer to think of as “collateral damage”)

Number 3 Greatest Evil of Our Day:  Affordable Healthcare for All Americans

Number 4 Greatest Evil of Our Day:  Toilet Tramps III: The Rectal Reckoning

Like a toxic plague…

Aren’t those just the worst?  Not at all like the Energy Plague drinks they sell at my gym that give you pep and zing and only a light scattering of oozing black pustules.

…pornography usage is sweeping our nation and destroying our humanity.

I share Rebecca’s concerns; in fact, I’ve been worried about our humanity since at least 2003.  Fortunately, it turns out that we can cluster bomb an Iraqi wedding party and get away with only a bruise or a scrape to our humanity, but rub one out while watching Your Crack is My Snack #9, and your orgasm will lay waste to the canon of Western Civilization.

Tragically, the largest demographic consuming internet pornography is children between the ages of 12 and 17. As deadly as pornography is to the innocence and development of our children, it has a stranglehold on millions of men too.

After we lost David Carradine, Rebecca dedicated her life to stamping out autoerotic asphyxiation.  Unfortunately, she only succeeded in attracting a whole bunch of other guys who are into the trampling fetish.

Walk by any magazine stand and you’ll see that although porn is difficult to avoid on the internet

The lingerie ads on Alicublog murdered my soul.

…“dirty magazines” are still a much sought-after commodity by adult males.

Really?  Because when I go to the big news vendor at Hollywood and Cahuenga (AKA Raymond Chandler Square), the porn aisle is usually empty, with most of the action concentrated around the glossies and the computer and gaming mags.  Now of course there are still many people without a computer or access to the internet, but when I hear that men browsing for “dirty magazines” are a growing threat to our nation’s newsstands, I can’t help recalling what most people said when Paul Reubens was arrested for jerking off in a porno theater in 1991: “There are still porno theaters?  Hasn’t this guy ever heard of a VCR?”  And since we’ve gone from French postcards under the counter to Pussycat Theaters, to VHS tapes, to DVDs, to adult films you can download to your iPhone, I really doubt a handful of neo-Puritans are going to be able to make Porno Prohibition work.  But hey, whatever, Rebecca.  Keep fuckin’ that chicken.

While in the airport recently my heart broke at the sight of so many men who spend time between flights thumbing through the pages of “soft porn” publications like Playboy. And for crying out loud, they shamelessly do so in their tidy suits in the plain site of everyone.

Business travelers should at least have the decency to strip naked in Hudson News before browsing, so their filthy thirst for nipples won’t reflect unfavorably upon Joseph & Feiss.  I have to concede that she may have a point, however, since I myself am an airport porn survivor.  Several years ago I was at La Guardia, killing time at the newsstand before a flight to Chicago, and I remember being puzzled by the large number of skin mags on display, thinking, “What’s the point?  No one’s going to buy Playboy to read on a plane, let alone Hustler.”  It only dawned on me later that they were probably most often purchased by arriving passengers en route to their hotels.

On board, I was sitting by the window, in a two-seat row, when a tall, morbidly obese man suddenly flipped up the armrest between us and collapsed beside — and partially on top of — me.  He seemed coolly unconcerned that a large portion of his body was trespassing onto my seat and pressing me up against the bulkhead; but then, there wasn’t anything he could do about it, so I suppose a studied indifference was the better part of valor.

After we took off, and I resigned myself to fogging up the window for the next couple of hours, he pulled out a Hustler magazine, making me wonder if this was synchronicity, or divine retribution.  He paged through it with a nonchalant thoroughness, even flicking the gatefold open across my tray table, to the point where all I could do was bat the air-brushed pudenda off my peanuts and marvel at his insouciant approach to porn.  On the bright side, he was not wearing a tidy suit, which I really think made it all better.

It will probably shock many of you to hear that these “gentlemen’s magazines” have for years featured photos, cartoons and illustrations of children in sexual situations, including association with adults, animals, and sexual assault. So much for “soft porn”.

Yes, I suppose that would shock me if it were true.  But then, if Playboy has been trafficking in child pornography for years, why was John Ashcroft wasting his time putting window treatments on bare-boobed statues?

When otherwise “responsible” adults are slaves to the smut

That’s my favorite Roxy Music song.

…is it any surprise that adolescents are easily addicted when exposed to porn during their hormone-driven years?

Just like they become addicted to fluoride during their cavity-prone years, allowing the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.  Do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk…Ice cream.  Ice cream, Mandrake, childrens ice cream!

We have never before raised an entire generation on porn, so we don’t know how damaging the far-reaching affects will be.

Well, we raised an entire generation on wholesome Fifties television, and they turned into long-haired, drug-taking, free-loving hippies who burned their bras and undercut our efforts to stem the spread of Communism in Southeast Asia.  Meanwhile, the generation raised on porn seems rather polite and docile, with a healthy interest in consumer products and no apparent urge to protest illegal wars or occupy the dean’s office.  So from a purely conservative viewpoint, we’re probably better off exposing our youth to gangbangs and bukkake, since Howdy Doody is a known vector for subversion.

A recent edition of Salvo Magazine (a publication I’m honored to serve as a pro-bono senior editor for) entitled “Silent Bondage”

Also the title of a highly successful German fetish series.  Coincidence?

…paints a grim picture of the future by outlining the harms we now know our children are currently suffering due to their own pornography consumption. Salvo features the work of Drs. Judith Reisman and Jill Manning, seasoned experts in the dangers of porn.

To paraphrase Joel Robinson: “Oh, a Ph.D in Porn — that’s an easy major!”

Their research shows that the images “encourage and stimulate anger and aggression” in users and causes them to treat other people as objects. Children who use porn have a lack of interest in marriage and in having children of their own, and are at an increased risk of developing sexual compulsions and addictive behavior.

Their research also shows that looking at pictures of a nude woman is the same as smoking a crack pipe with your penis!  From an abstinence-only sex education curriculum:  “Pornography triggers a myriad of endogenous, internal, natural drugs that mimic the ‘high’ from a street drug. Addiction to pornography is addiction to what I dub erototoxins – mind altering drugs produced by the viewer’s own brain” – Dr. Judith Reisman

This is your brain.  This is your brain on tits.

According to Dr. Manning, the type of porn viewed today, by both adults and children, is “deviant, vile and graphic.”

But there’s a downside, too.

“Young people are witnessing rape, torture, and all kinds of degrading material.”

How they got a hold of Dick Cheney’s home movies I’ll never know.

Why would anyone gravitate to such horrible inhumane depictions?

Probably for the same reason people read Day by Day.

Dr. Reisman has carefully studied and documented the effects that exposure to pornography has on the brain – it acts like a drug and can easily capture the “casual observer” and result in serious addiction, causing the user to crave greater quantities of ever more perverse images.

That’s what happened to Sid Vicious.  Sadly, he didn’t realize how much he’d detoxed in prison, and when he got out and took his regular dose of lesbian porn — bam!  Died instantly.

Of course, if porn is the moral equivalent of heroin, that might not be an entirely bad thing, since addicts who share their works can often spread hepatitis and AIDS, but nobody ever died from borrowing his buddy’s DVD of Barely Legal Muff Buffers.

If you suspect someone in your family has a porn problem, arm yourself with truth. This column is much to short to delve into all you need to know in order to protect your family. Visit www.SalvoMag.com where you can order the “Silent Bondage” issue and equip yourself to combat pornography’s stranglehold head-on.

Yes, Salvo Magazine is on the cutting edge of peer-reviewed, psycho-sexual research. For instance, they’d like to have a few words with that Alfred Kinsey fellow…

If you have a pornography addiction, please get help. At www.VictimsofPornography.org you can connect with counseling resources and hear the victory stories of others who have overcome their bondage.

Sometimes you can keep their counseling resources on the line for over an hour before they realize you just like talking about bondage.

It’s critical to understand that consuming porn is never just “harmless entertainment.” Your use warps your view of women and of common decency. It breeds selfishness and unfaithfulness. You might as well be having an affair with every woman you gawk at in the glow of the computer or while privately viewing that hotel room porn flick.

Really, Rebecca?  Apparently you have access to much better porn than I do.

Your wife may be silent about your usage, but she’s probably dying a little each day inside. I’ll never forget the heart-wrenching words of a wife whose husband regularly viewed porn: “It was like my husband had a mistress in our home.”

While the wife’s 8-inch vibrating Steely Dan was more like a lodger who did odd jobs around the house.

If you use pornography, you use people. You have a problem. Get help.

This is your brain.  This is your brain on sanctimony.  Get the picture?

Dr. Taint, Medicine-Legal Woman

Posted by scott on September 21st, 2009


I bailed out of the Emmy broadcast early — when they began to honor reality programming — and surfed to RenewAmerica in search of entertainment, where it dawned on me that Hollywood was missing a golden opportunity in Dr. Orly Taitz, Esq.  After all, shows about doctors are popular, and so are shows about lawyers; and while she’s actually a dentist, Dr. Taitz is not only a bona fide attorney licensed to malpractice in the state of California, she is also the most notable graduate of Taft Law School, a non-accredited correspondence course that will teach you to, in John Houseman’s immortal words from The Paper Chase, “think like a lawyer,” or how to draw Sparky, depending on whether you scored higher on the LSAT or that Free Art Test from the back of Mystery in Space comics.

Plus, there’s her sex appeal.  One need only gaze at the good doctor’s head shot to see that she was made for TV — specifically, The Real Housewives of Orange County — not to mention her preternaturally glossy lips, and her creative use of Crest White Strips (I knew they worked great on teeth, but I never would have thought to apply them directly to my scalp!).  Finally, there’s her demonstrated flair for the dramatic; in the very first sentence of her column, she dubs President Obama “the Usurper,” in much the way characters in the Harry Potter universe refer to Voldemort as “He Who Must Not Be Named.”

Please don’t listen to vicious rumors

I am getting close to removing the Usurper, and there are more and more vicious rumors about me and my whole family. It is 5:30 in the morning and I had to cut on sleep yet again to take some time and debunk all those vicious rumors.

As most folks know, you can debunk regular rumors 9 to 5, but with vicious rumors, you really gotta keep farmer’s hours.

First, there was a rumor that there is a declaration by Larry Sinclair filed with court. Please, go on Pacer, it is a public record. There is nothing there, no such declaration. People need to understand that a person cannot just come from the street and file a declaration or an affidavit.

A person must come first from the Post Office with her mail order diploma.

There was a rumor that Philip Berg somehow became part of my case with judge Carter and filed a subpoena to ambassador of Kenya as part of this case. Again, Berg has nothing to do with this case. There is nothing in the case having to do with Berg.

Yeah, I guess so.  I just wish I knew if Berg was somehow involved…

Lastly, there was a vicious rumor that my husband is somehow connected with swine flu and swine flu vaccine. Again, ridiculous rumor.

I imagine there’s no more galling an indignity for the professional conspiracy theorist than to have to waste her time refuting wild accusations.

My husband studied computer science and business. He never studied pharmacology, doesn’t know pharmacology and wouldn’t know the difference between a virus and an elephant.

So your husband’s an idiot.

He is a CEO of a company that produces a software, which is a tool used in research.  It is used by many universities in the country. It is used in agriculture research, in chemical research, in any research that deals with molecules and computation of properties of molecules, that are being synthesised.

As long as they aren’t dealing with virus molecules or elephant molecules, it’s an accurate software.

There are millions and millions of molecules in the world.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Madame Curie!   Let’s not start talking all crazy here…!

New ones are being synthesised every day, my husband has no clue what different companies are doing in their research. It is similar to any other software that is used as a tool.

In this case, a box wrench.

There is an accounting software, quicken. A computer engineer, who invented this software didn’t become your accountant, didn’t enter the information in your tax returns. Microsoft Word or Word Perfect is used by many writers, but it didn’t make Microsoft a poet or a comedian or a screen writer. Microsoft Word or Word Perfect is just a tool. I hope I explained this point and wouldn’t have to go to it again.

And I believe we all share your hope.

My husband is a good man, he is a devoted father and he is there for our three sons when I am travelling around the country raising support for Obama’s illegitimacy issue, when I am in court fighting to make sure this country doesn’t turn into another Communist Hell, as I experienced as a child, so we don’t live under Dictator Obama with all his szars like another Himler or Herring or another Beria.

Well, Dr. Taitz didn’t actually live under Beria, since he died before she were born, but I’m sure the rest of the paragraph was properly spelled in the original Cyrillic, and I enthusiastically endorse her refusal to live under the totalitarian boot heel of smoked and salted fish.

I hope people stop attacking my family and start attacking Obama and demand that he produce his vital records immediately or resign or be removed immediately.

To quote the industrial short Once Upon a Honeymoon from the MST3K episode Night of the Bloodbeast:  “Yeah?  Well wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one piles up first.”

Let’s make sure Obama shows up for his deposition with his hospital birth certificate ready for examination.

Oh, let’s!  Let’s do!  But you know what would make it even more fun?  Let’s just send a random black man to the deposition and see if Dr. Taitz, Esq. notices.

Latest Right Wing Fetish: Stable Sniffing!

Posted by scott on September 17th, 2009

CoachDiCintio.jpgYou may remember A.J. DiCintio, the retired teacher who rose from the mean streets of a city that prefers to remain nameless to become a pundit for virtual publications such as Mich News and RenewAmerica, and who, despite his humble origins, has learned to use his tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.  Well, lucky for us, A.J. went to the Tea Bagger protest in Washington D.C., where a vastly mis-estimated crowd gathered for the purpose of not leaving any trash behind.

Worse than the stench of the stable

As the three of us drove to the nation’s capital Saturday, the suggestion that we should have made a sign saying “I’d Rather Drink Tea Than Kool-Aid” had two of us praising our friend’s thoughtful creativity all day.

I bet that was awfully gratifying for the friend, at first.  I bet at first it filled him with a warm sense of validation and accomplishment.  But after three or four hours, it probably got a bit tiresome, and then eventually, downright embarrassing.  After eight or nine hours, he might have begun to suspect his friends’ sincerity, as night fell and their fulsome praise took an odd, almost sinister turn…

A.J.:  (GUFFAWING)  Hoo-boy, Jeff, I gotta tell ya, I just can’t get over that thoughtful, creative thing you said this morning on the drive to our nation’s capital.  It’s like a song I can’t get outta my head.  Know what I mean, Ted?

TED:  Totally.  Earworm.  But not one that drives ya nuts, like The Night Chicago Died, or Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne, or some shit — this is like a poem.

A.J.:  You’re like a genius, Jeff.

TED:  Total genius.  “I’d Rather Drink Tea Than Kool-Aid.”  Man!  That’s like the pithiest bit of political sloganeering since…I don’t know…

A.J.:  Since Reagan, when he went to Normandy and said, “Mister Gorbabob?  Tear…down…these…drapes!”

TED:   Further back than Reagan!

A.J.:  Benjamin Franklin!  Did you ever read Little Richard’s Almanack?  That’s some very pithy shit in there.

TED:  Yeah, too bad Jeff didn’t think of it until we were already on the road...

A.J.:  Hey — Yeah!  Asshole.

TED:  Greatest slogan in the history of the Republic, but does he think of it when we’re up all night makin’ signs?  No, the lightbulb doesn’t pop on over his sorry skull until he’s dumping a Stuckey’s pecan log in the Chesapeake Rest Stop off I-95!  You are such an asshole, Jeff!

After all, it is an incontrovertible truth that the dogmatic devotion leftists have exhibited to stupidities since they began praising the “important” ideas to be found in the works of the “great” Karl Marx reeks like the stables of Hercules’ Fifth Labor.

Apparently Mich News pays by the adjective.

But as I read the NY Times’ opinion columns the next day, it occurred to me that there is something much more repulsive than the love of a perverse dogma at work deep in the depths of the leftist psyche.

The stars at night,
Are big and bright,
clap! clap! clap! clap!
Deep in the heart,
Of leftist.

Now, because that conclusion was occasioned by what the columnists have to say about those who disagree with the policies advocated by the nation’s Liberal-in-Chief, it is necessary to begin with a few observations about what we saw at the “party” —

A.J. is a bit vague about his pedagogical background, but I think we can safely eliminate “English teacher” from the possibilities.

Basically, tens of thousands of ordinary Americans — the kind of people who live in your neighborhood, the kind of people who reaffirm your faith in the brilliant good sense of Jeffersonian Democracy every time you serve on jury duty —

Unless it’s the jury that let O.J. Simpson off, right?  Okay, that was a cheap shot.  I’m sure if you had been on the jury trying Robert Chambliss for the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing in 1963, you would have been the lone voice to convict.

What grievances? That story is told by thousands of variously crafted placards that shouted warnings about a number of threats to “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness,”

None of which shouted the most Awesome. Slogan. Ever! because Jeff is such an asshole!

but mainly these two —

. . . centralized government (the essential darling of every leftist “thinker”)

I’m beginning to think scare quotes have gone the shark-jumping way of the three-letter exclamation, such as WTF! or FTW!, although I think the puppets from Thunderbirds should still be permitted to say “F.A.B.”

Here, I admit my complicity in discussions that have sent liberals screaming “O! The horror, the ugly, racist, fascist, Know-Nothing horror of it all!”

Yes, reacting to an “ACORN HEADQUARTERS” sign posted on a portable toilet, I entered into a conversation with a couple standing next to me, the three of us condemning the funneling of tax money to support the insidious “community organizers” who labor under ACORN’s far from oaken probity.

We spoke briefly, too, about Federalism and the Federalist Papers.

Because the port-a-potties were out of regular toilet paper.

Such ideas and attitudes are the mark of hateful, miserly, seditious idiots?

No.  I wouldn’t say miserly

Apparently for liberals, because Maureen Dowd was moved to write an entire column not only informing us that “what [she] heard” from Representative Joe Wilson was “You lie, boy!” but also that the racially demeaning term she hallucinated reveals the real motive of the opponents of the president’s policies.

That’s right, in a perfectly anti-intellectual, disgustingly irrational assertion, Dowd implies that the opposition to Obama’s policies is composed of a xenophobic (former DNC chairman Don Fowler’s idea) “loco fringe” given to a “shrieking lunacy.”

Okay, that was a cheap shot, too, because I’ve seen lots of you lunatics use your inside voice; at least when you’re being interviewed on FoxNews.

That venom, however, only winds her up to mock protestors as a repulsive bunch of secessionist crazies.

To be fair, many of them are only talking about Nullification at this point, and that’s never led to secession and civil war, except for that one time, and that was really more of a war between the several States to see who was the most “sovereign,” which I’m pretty sure back in the 19th century meant “bad-ass.”  But it’s not only Maureen Dowd who has the ex-gym teacher’s jock in a knot; Frank Rich also suggested that one or two of the Tea Baggers’ grievances might be construed as trivial.

There you have it, Frank Rich standing enormously shallow beside the infinitesimally small Maureen Dowd

I used to stand shallow as a kid, until they made me wear corrective shoes for eighteen months.

who, in addition to sliming Obama’s opponents as racists, reacted to ideas that have been hotly and honestly debated in America since the days of the Constitutional Convention with this hateful, ugly, supremely stupid comment:

Democratic presidents typically have provoked a frothing response from paranoids — from Father Coughlin against F.D.R. to Joe McCarthy against Truman to the John Birchers against J.F.K. and the vast right-wing conspiracy against Bill Clinton.

Ah, liberals and the triumph of reason. What a beautiful thing to behold!

I think he meant that last part sarcastically.

If you are like me, you have wondered, “What is the source of such incredibly contemptible ‘thinking’? The love of centralized power? Of ruling? Of being ruled? Of arrogance, pretension, and hypocrisy?”

Well, for me, it’s For the Love of the Game.  For others, it might be For the Love of Benji.  And for still others, it’s probably for the love of Songs of Love For Lovers Only.

Anyway, it’s getting pretty late in the column; time for Mr. DiCintio to end with a Grand Finale of pyrotechnic goofiness.  How about if he mistakes Jonathan Swift’s satire Travels into Several Remote Nations of the World, in Four Parts. By Lemuel Gulliver, First a Surgeon, and then a Captain of several Ships for a Rick Steves travel guide.

The questions turn our minds to Gulliver, the self-proclaimed giant who claims to be perfected by reason alone — the pride sickened misanthrope who cannot stand the sight and smell of even his wife and children but delights in his long visits to the stable, where, insulated from repulsive inferiors, he converses with horses, his only perfectly reasonable peers.

And who does that remind you of?  Hm?  Exactly!  Barack Obama.  And don’t get me started on new guys showing up in town and “proclaiming” themselves “giants,” just because they’re thirty times our size.

The madman does, however, condescend to tell us he has reconciled himself to the rest of humanity — who, unlike him, are subject to every vice — except one kind of person: “a lump of deformity, and diseases both in body and mind, smitten with pride.”

Having uttered that astonishing piece of irony, he then closes with another, equally as disgusting:

I here entreat those who have any tincture of this absurd vice that they will not presume to come in my sight.

Is it a particularly ugly, fetid, pernicious pride that swirls amid neurotic guilt and self-loathing in the deep, dark recesses of the liberal psyche?

Jonathan Swift (30 November, 1667 – 19 October, 1745): Doctor of Sacred Theology, Dean of St. Patrick’s Cathedral Dublin, leader of the Democratic Party.

Who knows? But whatever roils there, its effect stinks infinitely worse than the stench of the stable.

I, for one, am thoroughly sick of it.

As a liberal who reads a lot of wingnuts, I was given to understand that my principles came from Saul Alinsky, so you can imagine my joy in discovering that our founding document was actually written by an author who’s fun to read.  Moreover, Gulliver’s Travels, unlike Rules for Radicals, has been adapted for the screen as an animated feature by Dave Fleischer, so you don’t even have to read the book to understand our firm, but nuanced position on the public option.  So I suggest we all thank Dr. Swift, and vote for him next year for DNC Chairman.

Apparently Roger Dean Wasn’t Available

Posted by scott on September 15th, 2009

Thanks to everyone for the headache treatment advice, and to D.Sidhe for the tutelage in triptans,  I seem to be on a 2-clusters per 24 hour cycle — the last pair arrived at 11:30 a.m. yesterday, and 3:30 this morning.  And as Chris Vosburg surmised, I’m in something of a manic phase at present, although sadly it’s not the mania following the end of a cluster siege, but just a generalized desperation to get some work done while I can.  And to what better use could I put my brief periods of lucidity than by psychoanalyzing old album covers?  Hm?  I ask you.

The first image is a fairly straightforward representation of my week so far:


But I warn you: some of these album designs date to that most terrifying and subversive of decades, the 1960s, and may therefore trigger a Freak-Out.

Proceed at your own risk (might get slightly NSFW)…

It’s My Way or the Highway to Heaven

Posted by scott on September 14th, 2009

R.I.P Patrick Swayze (August 18, 1952 – September 14, 2009)

Well, this year’s traditional Christmas Eve viewing of MST3K’s Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is going to be all super poignant.  But then, as our friend Blanche says, “Why wait till Christmas?”

O! Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas One and All!

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The “Tea and Sympathy” Edition

Posted by scott on September 13th, 2009

Thanks to a record-setting number of cluster headaches, I’ve spent most of the last two nights sitting up in the living room, staring blankly at whatever crap the Tivo has captured on its own initiative, and slowly becoming empirically and vampirically nocturnal.  This hasn’t done much for my already compromised clarity of mind, but it’s been a huge boost to Moondoggie’s total daily lap-time (although he’s not actually a lap cat, preferring to dig his claws into my shirt and cling to my chest like a marsupial).  Riley, on the other hand, keeps to a strict lap-time regimen — 1 hour immediately following dinner, with at most 1 or 2 brief snack laps during the day — and has not allowed my unexpected appearances to throw off her schedule.  In other words, she’s fine with affection, so long as it’s not spontaneous.

Which leads me to this week’s Compare and Contrast Personalities photo.  As you can see, Moondoggie has the startled expression of a downy-cheeked lad fresh off the farm, who’s been caught in a compromising position with an older woman his first night in the big city.  Riley, meanwhile, maintains the blasé, heavy-lidded look of world-weary courtesan.