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Archive for August, 2006

Bill O’Reilly, Culturehadeen

Posted by s.z. on August 31st, 2006

As you may not know, (Bill has only mentioned it about 500 times on his program, so you could have missed it), Bill’s latest book, , will be released next month. It’s called and it’s about Bill’s Braveheart-like fight against the ACLU, the anti-Christmas armies, the NY Times, and Media Matters.

Here’s part of the publisher’s description of the thing:

Bill O’Reilly is the very embodiment of the idea of a Culture Warrior—and in this book he lives up to the title brilliantly, with all the brashness and forthrightness at his command.

Translation: “Bill O’Reilly is an asshole.”

He sees that America is in the midst of a fierce culture war between those who embrace traditional values and those who want to change America into a “secular-progressive” country.

Translation: “Like many old fogies, Bill is troubled by the fact that it’s not 1962 anymore, a time when white, Christian males made the rules, minorities knew their place, and it was perfectly okay to talk dirty to your female employees.  Also, he is really angry that those damned kids keep throwing their ball into his yard.”

He also shows how the culture war has played out in such high-profile instances as The Passion of the Christ, Fahrenheit 9/11, the abuse epidemic (child and otherwise), and the embattled place of religion in public life—with special emphasis on the war against Christmas.

Sadly, Bill couldn’t call his book “The War Against Christmas” because that jerk Gibson stole the title. But, one day, BAM! Gibson’s going to get a knock on his door and life as he’s known it will change forever.  That day will happen, trust me, because Roger Ailes goes after everybody who crosses Bill, even if said person happens to work at Fox News too.

Culture Warrior showcases Bill O’Reilly at his most eloquent and impassioned. He is an unrelenting fighter for the soul of America, and in this book he fights the good fight for the traditional values that have served this country so well for so long.

Yes, this truly sounds like a book you can’t pick up!  But let’s see what an actual critic had to say about it:

Editorial Reviews — From Publishers Weekly

In his latest screed, the host of Fox News’ The O’Reilly Factor mobilizes fellow “traditionalists” against a “secular-progressive movement” supposedly led by billionaire George Soros (“public enemy number one”) and the liberal rhetorician George Lakoff.

Man, I must be a terrible secular-progressive-fighter-against-all-that-is-good-and-decent, since I haven’t followed even ONE order issued by my master, George Lakoff.

None of this coheres well, but O’Reilly keeps fans stoked with red meat, including tales of ACLU Christmas-bashers who wanted schools to stop teaching kids to sing carols, and permissive judges who go easy on child molesters.

We must never forget the tragic story of the red and green napkins, which sacrificed themselves for your Christmas sins.  So, it’s good that Bill wrote this book, even though some people might have thought that there was more important stuff going on in the world right now.

Too often, though, he feuds with personal enemies like “smear-merchant” Al Franken, Hollywood liberals, press critics and unnamed “black-hearted websites.”

Um, those websites would be “Media Matters.”  And the MM folks clearly demonstrated the blackness of their hearts by watching Bill’s TV show and listening to his radio program, and then WRITING DOWN WHAT BILL SAID! The bastards!

We think that Sadly, No! is also pretty black-hearted.

But yeah, Al Franken is still Enemy Numero Uno, because he forced (at knifepoint) Bill’s mother to lie to the WaPo about where Bill grew up, and Franken also took away Bill’s Peabody awards and changed them to some other crappy award that Bill didn’t even win.

As a result, his populist swagger subsides into kvetching (“Clooney’s press agent, a guy named Stan Rosenfield, began badmouthing me and Fox News around Hollywood”) and paranoia (“S-P power-brokers… will command their forces to attack me in every way possible”). More resentful and self-pitying than feisty, O’Reilly may be suffering from battle fatigue.

Or from borderline personality disorder.

But hey, here’s part of an excerpt from Bill’s book – YOU be the judge.

Central Command (CENTCOM) Initial Briefing

Uh oh. I hope we don’t get in trouble with the Pentagon for posting this.

At times you have to fight. No way around it. At some point, every one of us is confronted with danger or injustice. How we choose to combat that challenge is often life-defining. You can face difficulties head-on, or run from them, or ignore them until they consume you.

Or you can dream up elaborate fantasies where it’s the Old West and you’re Clint Eastwood, and at high noon you shoot your nemesis right between the head, and it’s so sweet! And then you get your employer to sue your foe.  Sure, that’s not a healthy way of dealing with your difficulties, but it works for some people.

But no one escapes conflict. No one.In my experience of more than thirty years of practicing journalism, I’ve found that most people do not like to fight. No surprise there.

So, in Bill’s experience, most people are pussies, except for him.

For a variety of reasons that I will explain, I have chosen to jump into the fray and become a warrior in the vicious culture war that is currently under way in the United States of America.

Wait, before Bill explains his reasons, let’s see if we can guess them! I’m going to say he jumped into the vicious fray because:

* He needs material for his TV and radio programs, and by pretending to be a fighter for the causes which his elderly male audience believes in, he can maintain his ratings, and thereby keep the Fox News loot rolling in.

* Picking fights with everyone keeps him in the spotlight, and he needs the attention to help inflate his sense of selfworth, which is actually quite low due to his feelings that his father never loved him

* He is just naturally pugnacious, and being a bully, getting into fights is what he does

* He has a personality disorder, and whenever somebody believes differently than him, he sees it as a personal attack

* He’s also a big jerk

But hey, you can probably think of other reasons.

Now, back to Bill:

And war is exactly the right term. On one side of the battlefield are the armies of the traditionalists like me, people who believe the United States was well founded and has done enormous good for the world. On the other side are the committed forces of the secular-progressive movement that want to change America dramatically: mold it in the image of Western Europe.

And in the middle are those folks who really don’t care if the K-Mart clerk wishes you a “Merry Christmas” or a “Happy Holiday.”

Rather surprisingly, at least to me, one result of my decision to fight in this war has been financial success. Another result has been a measure of fame.

Yes, imagine Bill’s surprise when he discovered that you really can’t go broke underestimating the intelligence of the average Fox News viewer!

The culture war has also made me perhaps the most controversial broadcaster in the country. That hot-button label “controversial” gives my enemies, they think, the right to attack me and my enterprises ceaselessly, unfairly, even dementedly. I truly drive the opposing force nuts! As you may know, I’m engaged in fighting them on a daily basis,

By calling them names during the “Most Ridiculous Item of the Day” part of his program.

and that warfare is the subject of this book.

Maybe it helps that many of my Irish ancestors were warriors.

It doesn’t help me any, Bill.  I don’t think it does much for your ancestors either.

They lived in County Cavan and fought Oliver Cromwell when he devastated Ireland in the name of the British Commonwealth. They lost that fight. Later, some of them emigrated to America during the great famine of the 1840s.

No, Bill, they emigrated FROM Ireland, and immigrated TO America. You should have paid more attention to the nuns during English class.

More came later. My paternal grandfather fought in World War I, then became a New York City police officer. He was one tough SOB. I have his billy club in my desk drawer. It was well used. Come to think of it, maybe I was named after that club.

Or maybe Bill was named for granddad’s dildo, which Bill also keeps in his desk drawer.

In any case, Bill comes from a long line of obnoxious, misguided SOBs, and so some of his problem might be caused by genetics.

In the next generation’s world war, my father was a naval officer and was on the scene during the occupation of Japan. He was by nature a warrior but, in an interesting contradiction, was also frightened by the unknown, the Great Depression having imposed upon my father a fear that he never defeated. Even so, his instincts were to combat injustice and scorn those who ran from necessary conflict. But his reluctance to challenge authority and take chances in his career and life would stifle his potential. I watched throughout my growing years as he was slowly beaten down by the system.

I think that what Bill is trying to say is that his father had the bellicose O’Reilly temperament, but he let his bosses push him around at work, and then came home and took out his aggression on his wife and kids.  And Bill is never going to be like him, in that he fights the systen by taking out his agression on everyone, not just family members.

The problem was that Dad was very bright and creative, but his job converting foreign currency into dollars was pure drudgery. My father died young, at age sixty-two. Observing him, I vowed never to allow the “system” to beat me or to let any individual push me around as his direct superiors did him.

So far, I’m ahead on that score.

Yup, while Bill’s Naval Officer father served only after the defeat of Japan in WWII, Bill actaully saw combat!  So, Bill has posthumously bested Dad.  Too bad it doesn’t bring Bill the gratification he thought it would.

The next section can be summarized as follows: “I am so great! I am so great! Everybody loves me, I am so great!” (It helps if you imagine him wearing a diaper and banging two pans together while he sings this.) So, let’s skip over the grandiosity, and jump to the paranoia:

In fact, not since the late Howard Cosell has an American broadcaster been so roundly vilified in print as I have been over the past decade. “Gasbag,” “blowhard,” “demagogue”–these are common adjectives used when newspaper writers refer to me. I’m not whining, just stating a fact.

Bill, it’s not really vilification if what the newspaper writers are saying is true. I’m just stating a fact, so quit your whining!

Because of the very personal nature of the battle I have chosen to fight, this is a difficult book to write. I don’t like to sound bitter, but the truth is, I am bitter to some extent.

And also mean-spirited, querulous, and cranky. I think somebody needs a nap!

Although I have won far more battles than I’ve lost, my life has changed drastically. I am routinely threatened with physical harm and have to employ security.

Bill’s head cracking Irish cop grandfather would be so ashamed of Bill’s lack of self-reliance!

I have to absorb rank defamation in the press, with no legal recourse because I’m a “public figure.”

And it’s just so unfair that Bill, who has made millions by saying mean things about other people, can’t have journalists killed for saying mean things about him. We really need to change the laws in this country.

My family has also been threatened and I’ve had to change every aspect of my life. No longer can I behave as a “regular guy” and go out and cut loose with my friends.

I personally consider it a tragedy that Bill had had to change his very way of life, and can no longer go out with his buddies and strong-arm the first-graders for their lunch money like he used to.

No longer can I even engage a stranger in conversation–there are too many crazies out there. At work, every call I receive is monitored and every interaction I have has to be witnessed.

Bill, honey, that’s not because of your valiant fight against the evil “S-P’s,” it’s because you sexually harass your female employees and your network is tired of paying them off.

I am never off the job and am always on guard. Would you want to live that way?

Let’s all spend the rest of the day pitying Bill, who is probably the most poorly treated person in the world. And even if you’re a child in Africa who is dying of AIDS, or an Iraqi civilian whose house was just blown up by American troops, I’m sure you’ll thank God that you don’t have to live the always-on-guard-for-lawsuits life of a Bill O’Reilly.

TOMORROW: Bill quotes from the The Godfather II …

Here’s a short summary of Bill O’Reilly’s latest column, “Put Up or Shut Up“: “Why don’t those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?”And here’s a slightly longer summary: “While I didn’t win any Emmys this year (and I SHOULD have, because I am the biggest name in cable news among viewers over 55 — and btw, I will get my revenge on Hannity and Colmes for having stolen my coveted 21-54 demographic grouip), I am WAY SMARTER than all those Hollywood liberals who get awards. Plus, I’m a lot more humble than they are.”

Okay, here are some excerpts:

The TV Emmy Awards were broadcast a few days ago, and it was the usual — a bunch of smug, self-satisfied showbiz types parading their liberal views in front of an adoring Los Angeles audience.

And this is wrong, because a smug, satisfied type parading his views in front of adoring audiences is Bill’s shtick!

I mean, come on, you showbiz people are supposed to be creative — how about something new and exciting: maybe demonstrating to the country you might have a clue about what’s going on in the world?

Maybe they could make the nominees play a few rounds of “College Bowl” to determine the winner in each category.

I am an independent American who sees fault on both the left and the right.

“The fact that I see 95% of the fault on the left only means that the right is right about most things.”

I closely follow the issues so I can make responsible judgments about the country and its leadership.

“Well, I have researchers who follow the issues for me, and they tell me what judgements to make — but I fired that girl who told me that I would not trust the Bush Administration again if we didn’t find any WMDs in Iraq, so I think this proves that I’m pretty darned responsible.”

We’ll skip the part where Bill puts on his serape and calls out Tina Fey and Neil Young, and go directly to where the bitterness really comes through:

My pal Jon Stewart and his legion of writers think they’re ultra cool and hip because they embrace every left-wing cause that comes down the pike. Yeah, you won, Stewart, but the fix was in. The choir to whom you preach runs the Emmy Award program and every other Hollywood smoochfest. You guys can be funny, but how many Americans want you people standing between them and Iran? Maybe Larry David, but that’s it.

Poll time: how many Americans want Bill O’Reilly standing between us and Iran?

Okay, how about if we nuke Iran, like the wingnuts want so badly – NOW how many of you want Bill standing over there?

And yeah, I guess that’s why Bill didn’t win that award for “best variety, music or comedy” series: because the judges are prejudiced against him due to his embrace of fairness. That’s also why Tina Fey won’t go out with him, and why all the popular kids who think they’re so cool and hip make fun of Bill for being a big, dorky loser.

And now for the part where Bill demonstrates that he’s better than all of them put together!

So I say this, Bill Maher. You’re a witty guy, but you’re out of your league on complicated matters like national security. When you and Whoopi Goldberg can tell me what Ansar al-Islam was doing in Northern Iraq, then I might watch your HBO show.

And I say this. Bill O’Reilly: you’re a pompous twit, but you’re out of your league on complicated matters like national security. (Bill, reading “Mallard Fillmore” every day doesn’t actually give you national security expertise. 

Bill,  I worked on matters of national security for many years. I know national security. National security is a friend of mine. And you, sir, you are no national security expert.  You’re not even the guy who emptries the trash in the room where the national security experts eat their lunch.  But you do have your areas of expertise: maybe you could teach Maher a few things about sexually harassing women. 

When George Clooney can tell me exactly how the Pakistani secret police broke a captured al-Qaeda big shot who then gave up the London terrorists arrested for planning an attack on American airliners, then I’ll rent “Syriana.”

Bill, are you referring by chance to the story of Rashid Rauf, who was reportedly broke under torture by the Pakistani secret police, and then “confessed” that his buddies back in the UK intended to mix a “sports drink” with a “peroxide-based paste” to create a chemical explosive that they would use to blow up some planes? And how the fact that most of the details of the plot were derived from torture tend to raise serious questions about the credibility of much of what we were told about the plot by U.S. and British authorities?

 If so, I think you may be confused, since there’s no evidence that Rauf is “al-Qaeda big shot,” and there are suspicions in Britain that he’s just a wannabe whom the Pakistanis are trying to sell to us as a master terrorist who actually knows the #3 Al-Qaeda guy. (“analysts suspect that the authorities in Pakistan could have exaggerated his role to appear to be ‘tough on terrorism.’”)

But I’m not holding my breath on any of these challenges.

Damn it, I was hoping that Bill would hold his breath until he passed out, thus sparing us at least a few moments of his windbaggery!

But in any case, I think that we can all agree that when Bill wins an Oscar, like George did for his performance in “Syriana,” then we’ll all watch Bill’s little cable news program.


NEXT TIME: We’ll tell you everything you need to know about Bill’s new book, Help, Santa, They’re All Out to Get Me! Culture Warrior.

But for now, let me just report the breaking news that Mike and the ‘bots are suing Bill for stealing the whole Christmas Warrior bit. Here is part of their evidence of having made a prior claim to the concept, the song “Whispering Christmas Warrior“:

I have slain the Grinch,
I have broken his spell.
I am the warrior of Christmas,
The world we will tell.

CROW & TOM: Christmas time
We will free your mind
Let love unwind.

MIKE: The warrior of Christmas
Has cast out the neon prince.
Hail the new Kläws,
Your hair he will rinse.

CROW & TOM: Silver bells fall from your nose,
Santa Kläws will mist your toes,
Rudolph’s found the emperor’s clothes.

For shame, Bill!  You said that you were the only one defending Baby Jesus!

Let Me Count the Reasons

Posted by s.z. on August 29th, 2006

Besides Dr. Mike and Mark Steyn, you know who else I find really annoying (and not in a good way)? James Taranto, that’s who.

To demonstrate why, let’s look at a “Best of the Web Today” post about the revelation that Richard Armitage was the first to leak Plame’s CIA affiliation to Novak, and use it to illustrate some of the reasons why I find Taranto so insufferable.

Reason #1: Taranto is smugly confident of his own wit and intelligence, but he’s not very funny (and his work provides no evidence that he’s any brighter than your run-of-the-mill Marie Jon’ or Christian Hartsock)

As we observed on PBS 10 months ago, this was a “Seinfeld” scandal–an investigation about nothing.

Of course, much as this seemed like a sitcom, it had consequences in real life.

As we observed on Fox News many moons ago (or while we were watching Fox News – I’m not sure which), if Karl Rove tells journalists that, for purely partisan political purposes, a CIA NOC working on weapons nonproliferation is “fair game,” it doesn’t seem like a sitcom to us, it seems more like a black comedy (perhaps The Manchurian Candidate, with Karl playing the Angela Lansbury role.

Reason #2: Taranto will stick  with a talking point forever, even if it has repeatedly been proven to be false

Because Armitage did not come clean right away, many people suffered:

 * Millions of taxpayer dollars were wasted investigating a nonexistent crime.

James, even if you say this a million times, it doesn’t make it true.

Anyway, while it gets tedious, I guess the only way for the truth to prevail is to rebut the Right’s lies once a month or so.

So, here goes:

Even though “special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald ‘found no evidence that Armitage knew of Plame’s covert CIA status’” before he leaked her name to Novak, and so, per the statute, “there was no violation of the Intelligence Identities Protection Act,” this doesn’t mean that no crime was committed. James, honey, there is more than one law dealing with divulging classified material on the books.

And while I’m not saying that Armitage should go to prison, obviously he shouldn’t be trusted with classified material after this. And neither should those officials who confirmed Armitage’s slip about Plame to the press (because, one of the first things they tell you in your security briefing is that even though something has been leaked, it doesn’t mean its been declassified).

And personally, I believe that if Scooter was following Dick Cheney’s game plan, Cheney should have his security clearance revoked too (for at least a year).

I am amazed at all those who were up in arms because Sandy Berger, who had his clearance revoked and who had to pay a large fine, was perceived as getting special treatment for HIS security lapse (which didn’t result in the actual disclosure of classified material, mind you)  think it’s just fine for other people to let CIA secrets slip.  I guess it’s one of those “It’s okay if you’re a Republican” things. 

But back to Taranto.  In this piece Taranto also makes the claim that although “It was from a classified memo that Armitage learned Plame worked for the CIA, that the fact of her CIA employment wasn’t classified. (“By all available evidence, Plame’s covert status had expired by the time of her ‘outing’ anyway.”) 

So, per Taranto, even though the CIA devoting its resources to maintaining Plame’s NOC cover, Plame actually wasn’t covert (i.e., under cover) because the “available evidence” indicates to him that she wasn’t, and he is a much better judge of these things that the intelligence organization.

Buy a clue, James! While Plame’s status may or may not have met the definition of a “covert agent” as described in the Intelligence Identities Protection Act, she WAS UNDER COVER. She was COVERT. Her CIA affiliation was CLASSIFIED. That’s why the CIA submitted a CRIMES report to the FBI. And that’s why the DOJ authorized a CRIMINAL investigation. But, per Taranto, apparently the government shouldn’t bother to investigate crimes where there wasn’t first a retroactive guilty verdict. (I guess he wants to live in the world of Judge Dredd.)

And anyway, while no one was prosecuted for leaking Plame’s identity, that doesn’t mean that a crime wasn’t committed. (Just like even if there isn’t enough evidence, now, to prove that George W. Bush was legally AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard, it doesn’t mean that the American taxpayers, who paid $1 million to train him, weren’t ripped off.)

And who are the victims of this crime? Yes, the CIA, Valerie Plame, and the American public.

But wait, that’s not what Taranto is claiming!

Reason #3: Taranto is clearly full of crap.

 * Innocent White House officials were distracted from serving the country in order to participate in the investigation, which was in full swing a year ago when Hurricane Katrina struck.

Yes, the real victims here are “innocent White House officials” who had to worry about keeping their own lies straight during DOJ interviews, and who therefore couldn’t concentrate on dealing with Hurricane Katrina. So, Armitage (and Joe Wilson) are responsible for all the death and devastation caused by Katrina, and they should apologize to an innocent President Bush for causing his poll numbers to fall.

Reason 4: Taranto has no shame.

 * Scooter Libby lost his job and was indicted for actions that never would have occurred but for the investigation.

Yeah, don’t you hate when you lose your lose and get indicted for crimes that you never would have committed if there wasn’t some kind of an investigation?  Me too.And I guess that Scooter is the ultimate innocent victim here, in that the government FORCED him to commit a crime (by, you know, asking him questions and stuff).Reason #5: See reasons 1-4.

 * The Democratic left, putting its faith in scandal to bring down the Bush administration, became even more fatuous and ineffective.

But the scandal gave the wingnuts a great new vocabulary word, “kerfuffle,” so it all evened out.

Reason #6: Taranto seems to be unaware of the glass houses/stones law.

The only winner in this whole deal is Joe Wilson’s ego–and think of the toll it’s taken on his poor little superego.

You could probably come up with your own list.  This photo alone is reason enough for polite society to shun Taranto for about a thousand years: 

But hey, life is short, and so we will go back to our usual policy of ignoring the guy, just like we ignore most other Internet trolls (except for Ann Coulter, of course).

Our “Oops! Never Mind” Item for Today

Posted by s.z. on August 28th, 2006

I never expected this!  (Okay, I did.  And so did lots of other people  But still …)

D.A. Drops Charges Against Karr

The murder case against John Mark Karr collapsed this afternoon when he was exonerated by a DNA test, but the man who was once the leading suspect in the JonBenet Ramsey tragedy will be returned to California to face child pornography charges, officials said.

In a fast-moving series of events throughout the afternoon, Boulder Dist. Atty. Mary T. Lacy, who had sought Karr’s departure from Thailand and extradition from California, dropped all charges against the former teacher.

Sources say that there is no truth to the rumor that Lacy, in connection with CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and the White House, came up with “The Karr Scenario” as a way to distract people from the Iraq War (which has been a real loser in the ratings lately).

Lacy announced that she would hold a “panel discussion” with selected reporters Tuesday to discuss the case.

When reporters asked why the district attorney would not face the full press to answer questions, a court officer said: “You should be grateful that she is willing to do that.”

Yes, you should fall on your knees and thank God that a public official is willing to justify her errors in judgment to even pet members of the press!  (Hey, if works for the President, I think city District Attornies should be able to use it.)

Pet Swamp

Posted by s.z. on August 28th, 2006

It’s time once again for a Lileks-like description of my boring daily routine, and a Gurdon-like recounting of some of the adorable things my little ones have done. (Of course, my little ones are cats and dogs, but they are ever so precious and adorable and stuff, so I’m sure you’ll find my stories just as fascinating as if they were about human children named Emmanuelle, Listerine, Lavender Marie, Bud PowerRanger, and baby Pixie Stix.)Anyway, so here are the Jack Bauer-like highlights of my day so far.

3:00 A.M. – I am awakened by loud barking, as Yodie and Flossie alert me to a terrorist threat in the backyard (possibly involving moonbeams, a tree leaf, and a moth). After calling the cable news media to report this new threat to our well-being, I go back to bed.

At 5:30 A.M. – I am awakened by a kitten that is trying to steal my breath and/or attempting to make me get up and give him some food. After firmly telling the culprit (little Torgo, the Kitten Of Fate) that there is no meal service before 7:00, and then throwing him off my bed about 20 times, he gets the message and leaves me undisturbed for about 20 minutes.

5:50 A.M. – Awakened by Flossie and Yodie, who wish to alert me to the fact that the dogs next door are barking, possibly because they have spotted a terrorist paperboy.  After upping the threat level to tangerine, I decide I might as well get up and feed the cats.  I dish out small servings of canned cat food to Zigra, Tibby, Bix, Torgo, and Andy. (Jet Jaguar, who doesn’t care for canned cat food, chooses to sleep in.)

5:55 A.M – Dish out more cat food to Andy, whose meal was stolen by dingoes, or possibly Yodie and Flossie. Then back to bed.

7:00 A.M. – Awakened again by Torgo, who reminds me that I had said that the first meal of the day would be served at 7:00. I get up, but nobody gets fed this time!

7:05 A.M. – Noticed a trail of vomit leading down the hall into the living room. Got out the Resolve (both George Bush and I have lots of it) and the paper towels and the damp rags, and spend 20 minutes cleaning the carpet. Vow that nobody ever gets fed again!

Then I scoop out litter boxes, refill water bowls, feed the fish, and hand feed the dogs their kibble. (Flossie has developed “dog in the manger syndrome,” and if I put out bowls of food, she won’t eat anything, but instead obsessively tries to guard both bowls from Yodie, or any other pet that might within a foot of them. I’m sure this behavior serves as a potent metaphor for something or other from the current political scene, but I’m too tired to say what.)

After I get tired of the hand feeding, I put little piles of kibble in strategic places around the house (hey, it’s what a book on dog training recommended).  Tibby eats some kibble, but Yodie and Flossie tell me that their doctor has insisted that they eat only canned cat food.

9:00 – Call the vet’s office in an effort to make an appointment for Zigra, who has another abscess on his neck. I noticed the lump Saturday afternoon (right after the vet’s office closed, of course), and spent my weekend putting hot packs on it. The abscess burst last night in a colorful explosion of blood and pus, which my carpet conveniently absorbed.  (Like I said, I have lots of Resolve.)

The receptionist says there are no openings until Wednesday. When I relate the details of the exploding lumps, with their attendant blood and pus, she gives me an appointment this afternoon.  However, it’s at their other location (the one that isn’t five minutes from my home.)

9:30-12:30 – Pick up various material (dog toys, chewed-up green apples, poop, etc.) from the back yard, and then mow the lawn. Take a shower. Get out of the bathroom to find a pile of chewed-up wood on the carpet.  Near the detrius are the most likely suspects, Yodie and Flossie, but they swear they are innocent, and insist that the terrorist moth was the real culprit. Spend a few minutes trying to decide what the wood came from (A piece from a chair? A leg from a bookshelf? Part of the wall?). Give up, and pick up larger pieces, and then vacuum, to the consternation of all.

Eat a granola bar. Share same with two dogs after they inform me that they are in immediate danger of starvation, even though the little piles of kibble remain untouched.

12:30 P.M. – Stalk Zigra, capture him, throw him in the cat carrier, and make the 20-minute trek to the vet’s. There is loud wailing all during the drive, most of it from the cat.

1:00 – And we’re back at the vet’s office, where we dropped $140 just 6 days ago! (Although I told the other animals that Flossie got to go to the vet’s and get tutored, she actually got spayed.) Anyway, after a short wait, Zigra’s wound is cleaned, shaved, and squirted with antibiotic, and we are good to go.

Since this is the second time Zigra has had an abscess on his neck, everyone asks me if he is some kind of feline thug who goes around town picking fights. I tell them that actually he is a very submissive cat who offers up his neck to anyone who might be interested in biting it. While I’ve often seen Jet Jaguar, Yodie, and Flossie with their mouths on his neck (to demonstrate their dominance, I assume), I’ve never observed them apply any pressure, or him exhibit any signs of discomfort — he just gets a soggy neck. But I guess a tooth could have accidentally punctured his flesh. Or, since he has recently discovered if he goes to the spot in my fence which connects with the neighbor’s chain link fence, he can climb the links to freedom, he could have re-encountered the little orange tom from two houses down who gave him his previous bite wound.

In any case, since each of these little incidents ends up costing me $90, he has got to quit getting bit on the neck! 

2:00 – Return home to find shards of plastic, cardboard, and metal all over the floor. Yes, the dogs have eaten a CD. (I know that it was Flossie and Yodie, as they are still chewing when I walk in the door.) Since it was a CD I had forgotten I even owned (the soundtrack to The Craft), I don’t shed any tears, but I do swear a little as I clean up the mess. The dogs tell me that they are sorry, but since (a) I took the cat for a ride in the car while leaving them behind; and (b) I forgot to give them a chew treat before departing, they had no choice but to relieve their sense of abandonment and boredom by destroying some of my personal property.  I see the logic of their position, and promise them that they can go for a ride to the vet’s really soon. 

Then I give the dogs each a delicious chew treat, and go to change my clothes, which are covered with cat hair. (It’s a proven fact that cats shed about 100 times their normal rate while at the vet’s.)

2:15 – Emerge from my bedroom to find Flossie chewing a clod of dirt, which she found outside and brought onto the living room carpet to enjoy. As I vacuum, I repent for having implied that it was wrong of Meghan Cox Gurdon to have several mixed drinks every afternoon.

And so it goes.

But seriously, my pets are great, and I love them. Just not today.


More Things You Probably Didn’t Know

Posted by s.z. on August 27th, 2006

Amazing Fact #3: Darwin Was Responsible for the Holocaust  

Here’s part of the Christian World News report:

Christian experts will be unraveling the truth about Darwinism in a television special airing this weekend. “Darwin’s Deadly Legacy” will give a shocking look at the historical impact of the theory that has been in school books for generations.


One of the shocking connections the documentary presents is how natural selection, or “survival of the fittest,” was a “guiding idea” for Hitler and the Nazis.

Dr. D. James Kennedy, senior pastor of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church, simply put it, “No Darwin, no Hitler.”

Elaborating on that connection, Ham stated that Hitler used evolution to justify what he did with the Jews or “cleaning up the gene pool,” as the experts called it.

Denouncing Coral Ridge Ministries for making such a link, Anti-Defamation League called it “twisted.”

Yeah, but you have to be pretty twisted if you want to compete with Ann Coulter. (Ann, who also appears on the program, reportedly claims that Darwinism is popular “because it allows atheists not to have to explain why we’re here.” Of course, Ann knows that we are here to invade, kill, and convert; persecute Clintons; and defame liberals.)

But back to the news story:

The 60-minute special will feature Coulter; Richard Weikart, author of From Darwin to Hitler; Lee Strobel, author of The Case for a Creator; Jonathan Wells, author of Icons of Evolution; and other experts.

Yes, apparently Ann is an expert on both Christianity AND science, which is why she is scientifically qualified to trash the whole theory of evolution.

“We keep hearing that there are gaps in the theory [of evolution]. The whole theory is a gap,” she said.

And Ann has the Lexis-Nexis searches to prove her claims (they’re in her footnotes). 

Besides, Darwin was just so gosh-darned evil (you might remember him from that “Star Trek” episode where he murdered Abraham Lincoln with a spear) that we should reject any theory that he came up with, just on general principles. 


Amazing Fact #4: That Zoo Horse Wasn’t Really Named After Ann Coulter 

This item is for Michelle Malkin, who was very upset at the way a SF Chronicle reporter “slimed” Ann Coulter. (Michelle, actually Ann was slimy long before the Chronicle story came out.)

Anyway, Michelle found it deplorable that somebody would make fun of another person that way (and because she’s so fair and balanced, we’re sure she’ll devote equal time to the incident that TBogg mentioned).

But for now, we want to reassure her that despite what the Chronicle implied, that horse at the SF zoo wasn’t named for Ann.  Editor & Reporter has the story:

A posting at SFgate.com, the San Francisco Chronicle’s popular Web site, earlier this week suggested that a horse named Coulter at the city’s zoo was named after a certain well-known columnist.

After all, the zoo has an eagle, Stephen Jr., that supposedly honors Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert, and the horse, the writer claimed, bore a striking resemblance to Ann Coulter (skinny legs, blonde hair, etc.)

Well, it was a good rumor, anyway.

A letter to E&P by Alexander Winslow, public relations manager of the San Francisco Zoo, clears that up:

“Thank you for your interest in Coulter, the San Francisco Zoo’s American Cream draft horse. Coulter lives a happy life on the Family Farm at the San Francisco Zoo’s Children Zoo. He’s a gentle creature who loves people. He also loves Timothy hay, high-fiber pellets, apples, and carrots. He’s also quite smart.”

So, obviously he bears little resemblance to Ann, who doesn’t live a happy life, could never be described as gentle, hates people, hates all kinds of food (especially high-fiber pellets), and isn’t very smart.

We’re sure the Chronicle reporter regrets his error. 


Amazing Fact #5: Mark Steyn Has Finally Realized He’s Not an American

Or maybe his publisher did.  In any case, Mark’s (which has been upcoming for over two years now) is no longer called America Alone: Our Country’s Future as a Lone Warrior, but instead America Alone: The End of the World as We Know It.  

(Here’s a tip for Regnery: your new title is better than America Alone: Mark Steyn is Really a Canadian, but not as good America Alone: It’s the End of the World as We Know It, and Mark Steyn Feels Fine.)

Anyway, here’s some scary and/or hilarious info from Regnery about Mark’s rather stale tome:

From the Inside Flap

It’s the end of the world as we know it… Someday soon, you might wake up to the call to prayer from a muezzin. Europeans already are.

And liberals will still tell you that “diversity is our strength”—while Talibanic enforcers cruise Greenwich Village burning books and barber shops, the Supreme Court decides sharia law doesn’t violate the “separation of church and state,” and the Hollywood Left decides to give up on gay rights in favor of the much safer charms of polygamy.

And Kevin Costner will deliver the mail and drink his own urine, the Morlocks will try to eat your flesh, all while Robot Monsters try to mate with your nubile blonde daughter.  Take that, liberals!

If you think this can’t happen, you haven’t been paying attention, as the hilarious, provocative, and brilliant Mark Steyn—the most popular conservative columnist in the English-speaking world—shows to devastating effect in this, his first and eagerly awaited new book on American and global politics.

Yeah, it’s been so eagerly awaited that its publication date has been pushed back nineteen months.

And if Steyn is the most popular conservative columnist in the English-speaking world, then the terrorists have already won, and we might as well let the robots turn us all into air slaves.

The future, as Steyn shows, belongs to the fecund and the confident. And the Islamists are both, while the West—wedded to a multiculturalism that undercuts its own confidence, a welfare state that nudges it toward sloth and self-indulgence, and a childlessness that consigns it to oblivion—is looking ever more like the ruins of a civilization.

Maybe the cats will be our heirs.  After all, they’re very fecund (ask me about their fecundity!), and more confident than even Steyn.  Plus, they are way more attractive than he is, and rarely write annoying columns.

Europe, laments Steyn, is almost certainly a goner. The future, if the West has one, belongs to America alone—with maybe its cousins in brave Australia.

Sorry, Canada.  I guess you were consigned to the rubbish heap of history along with Europe because of your damned diversity (you should have known better than to let the Quebecois speak French).

But America can survive, prosper, and defend its freedom only if it continues to believe in itself, in the sturdier virtues of self-reliance (not government), in the centrality of family, and in the conviction that our country really is the world’s last best hope.

Keep watching the Steyns, America!  And remember, you are way better than everybody else, especially those crappy Canadians!!

Stuff You Probably Didn’t Know

Posted by s.z. on August 26th, 2006

Amazing Fact # 1: The English language is doomed, DOOMED! 

Yes, English is on its death bed, and it’s all your fault, for not instituting some sort of federal language police to force everyone to speak English in their homes.  Michael “Nepotism ‘R Us” Reagan explains it all in ”English: The Vanishing Language.”

All across the U.S., hordes of immigrants — legal and illegal — are chattering away in their native language and have no intention of learning English — the all-but-official language of the United States where they now live.

The bastards!  Imagine that, they’re chattering away, and not in the all-but-official language of this country!  (BTW, if only we could have made English our official language, and Republican our official political party, then maybe we could have prevented this situation)

Man, things were sure better in the old days, when foreigners didn’t dare defy the “age-old custom of immigrants to our shores,” and everyone was forced to learn English or die!

It was a case of sink or swim. If you couldn’t speak English you couldn’t get by, go to school, get a job, or become a citizen and vote.

Yeah, back then there were no Little Italys, Chinatowns, Greek sections, etc.  And we liked it that way!

But now for the scientific proof of Michael’s claim about how printing ballots in other languages caused the extinction of English:

Nowadays we kowtow to demands that everything from ballots to official documents be presented in many native languages as well as in English.

The result? According to Census Bureau statistics reported in HUMAN EVENTS:

In California, 42.3 percent of the people do not speak English at home. More than 28 percent speak Spanish instead.

So, how would Ronald Reagan handle this crisis?  I’m guessing he’d use some sort of anti-Spanish laser missile technology.  And that’s what the situation requires, because our good friend English is on his very death bed –  he was murdered, and somebody is responsible!

Tragically, the answer to the question of English surviving the immigrant invasion is probably “no.” The English language is on its death bed, a victim of the enablers.  

Personally, I don’t know how long I can hold out, so if you check back and this blog is written in Sanskrit or something, I hope you’ll avenge it.


Amazing Fact #2: There is Now an Annie Jacobsen Protocol

The Moonie Times’ own air-terror girl reporter, Audrey Hudson, has the story:

A dozen passengers who exhibited suspicious behavior aboard a U.S. airline flight to India were arrested by Dutch officials yesterday after the American pilot requested a military escort and emergency landing in Amsterdam.

The passengers apparently carried a suspicious number of cell phones, used them suspiciously, spoke a suspicious language, and had a suspicious color of skin.

Officials in Europe declined to disclose the nationalities or the arrest charges, but passengers said the 12 persons taken off the plane in handcuffs appeared to be Middle Eastern.

Shows you why you shouldn’t listen to passengers.  For, as we now know, the suspicious men were Indian, Dutch authorities found no evidence they posed a terrorist threat, and their government has lodged a “strong protest” at the way the Netherlands handled the incident.

But let’s go back to Audrey, who has Annie herself on the line:

No protocol was in place to divert a plane two years ago when passengers suspected a terrorist dry-run aboard Northwest Flight 327 from Detroit to Los Angeles, said Annie Jacobsen, who recounted the events and a government cover-up in her book “Terror in the Skies.”

“I know firsthand from the homeland security inspectors who visited me in my kitchen, there was no protocol to divert a flight based on suspicious activity. Now, obviously, there is and perhaps Northwest is leading the pack,” Mrs. Jacobsen said.

I think we can all rest a little easier in the knowledge that there is now a protocol in place to protect us from swarthy men who glare at white women.

Mrs. Jacobsen and other passengers on Flight 327 said a group of men claiming to be Syrian musicians carried suspicious, odd-shaped packages, including a McDonald’s bag, cameras and cell phones, into the bathroom.

Amazing sub-fact #1: McDonald’s bags are now considered not only suspicious, but also odd-shaped.  The company should really hire a PR-firm to fight this kind of discriminiation.

Passengers suspected they were building a bomb.

Annie and her husband were passengers, so I guess this statement is true. But what Audrey fails to report is that these passengers were WRONG, and NOTHING HAPPENED on this flight.  

You know, if I were a Moonie, I’d complain to the Master about how my flower-selling money was being mispent.

Storytime, With Dr. Mike

Posted by s.z. on August 25th, 2006

Shorter Dr. Mike  Adams, Ph.D.: ”Gays should not be allowed to adopt or teach children, because some people who might be gay used bad language when discussing some of my homophobic columns.”

Now, for storytime:

One of their [the evil homosexuals'] more recent stunts was to get together on a gay website to hatch a plan to destroy my marriage. Actually, they started their plan on one of the Transgendered websites. Since the Transgendered people are so angry, I suppose they are technically classified as “gay,” too.

The first step of their plan to destroy my marriage was to concoct a false story that I once committed adultery. For the record, I have never cheated on my wife. I did, however, attempt to cheat on my wife one time. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get past Ms. Coulter’s bodyguard.

The failed attempt to hit on the lovely Ann Coulter presumably occurred right after Dr. Mike tried (and failed) to get the job as Anna Kournikova’s masseuse.

After one of the Transgendered persons concocted the story, it decided to contact my wife at work with the news. But since it waited a few days before doing so, my wife and I were tipped off in advance.

So, once again, Dr. Mike was too smart for his enemies, and their ultra-cunning plan was foiled, thanks to Dr. Mike’s ability to read.

I told my wife that when it contacted her at work, she should promise it she was going to cut off my genitalia as punishment for the adultery. Then, she could mail it to it as a reward for the expert detective work.

So, did anybody really contact Mrs. Dr. Mike at work and tell her that her husband had cheated on her?  Was the corespondent alleged to be Pastor Doug?  And if such a communication did occur, did Mrs. Dr. Mike follow her husband’s instructions and tell the caller that she was going to castrate Dr. Mike for his purported infidelity?  And did the caller then report the threat to the police? (Because it sounds just as credible as the many threats Dr. Mike says were made against him and his presumably imaginary children by the emotionally unstable homsexuals.)

Or, once again, did Dr. Mike get his feelings hurt when he Googled himself and found out what people were saying about him, and once again, did he plot the perfect imaginary revenge much after the fact?

Well, since Dr. MIke’s account makes it kind of hard to tell what really happened, for now the question must remain open.

But I am still searching for the truth.  I tried several Google searches of my own in an effort to find the mean transgendered website where the gays concocted the plot to destroy Dr. Mike’s marriage — but to no avail.  However, I did find a rather intereesting caption under a photo at Dr. Mike’s site:

Dr. Adams’ friend Doug Giles and his Axis Deer. What a beauty.

So, did the transgendered gays call up Mrs. Dr. Mike and tell her that her husband was saying suggestive things about Pastor Doug’s appearance?

I don’t know — but if you do, please tell the whole class.

It’s Customer Appreciation Day!

Posted by s.z. on August 25th, 2006

Today I would like to tell you a heartwarming, life-affirming story about a couple of mismatched ragtag writers from the mean streets who took one last chance on their dream, and how, through the kindness of bloggers, blog readers, MST fans, and other assorted weirdoes, their dream paid off, meaning that some people bought copies of their book.  Yes, it’s the feel good hit of the summer, in that, thanks to you, I didn’t lose my life saving publishing this book, and so the kitties get fed for at least the rest of the month.

Seriously, Scott and I wish to thank those of you who have purchased our book, Better Living Through Bad Movies.  We are honored and touched by your faith in us, and in your kind words about our work.  We love you guys! 

So, to thank you and to cater to your obvious interest in bad cinema we are proposing a little exercise in masochism: you suggest movies for the Better Living treatment, and Scott and I promise to both watch AND summarize the top two vote-getters.  We will also try to derive some heartwarming, life-affirming, feel-good lessons from them, if we survive the experience. 

So, come on, it’s payback time, and this time it’s personal!  (But remember, Scott and I have only two days left to retirement, so we’re undoubtedly doomed, DOOMED! Not to mention, mad I tell you, MAD!)

So, we put our fates in your hands. P.S.  Werewolf in a Girls’ Dormitory was the last movie I watched, which tells you a little too much about me. But I did it all for YOU, and someday I will give you my report on this film.  And then the tables will be turned, Mr. Bond!

Old Favorites Day

Posted by s.z. on August 24th, 2006

I don’t feel all that great, and so I am in a mood for comfort wingnuts (you know, those familiar, homey wingnuts whose creamy texture, cheesy richness, and meatloaf-like consistency always hit the spot).

So, here are the latest columns by some old favorites.

1.  Pastor Grant Swank: “Plane Mutiny, Olmert Demise, Mosque Killers, & Iraq Over

Thesis: The only good Muslim is a dead Muslim. Excerpts:

Two men who looked like Muslim killers were speaking in what was concluded to be Arabic. They looked cagey. They kept looking at their watches. They darted looks to right and left. They whispered to one another. They wore heavy leather jackets. They were just plain mysterious.

Swarthy men on a plane who keep doing suspicious terrorist stuff like looking at their watches, whispering to each other, and wearing jackets?  Quick, somebody page Annie Jacobsen!

Brits on their way to vacationland Saturday decided the flight was too risky. They did not at all trust the two men. Therefore, they forced the pilot not to leave the ground.

One hundred fifty passengers felt safer on land than air. Two Muslim terrorist types were the cause of it all.

And just what are “Muslim terrorist types”?  Well, from the news article from which Pastor Swank got this story, we learn that they are “men of Asian appearance apparently talking Arabic.”  Yes, all men who look Asian and speak a language which might be Arabic (or possibly Russian or Hebrew, or something like that) are not only terrorists, but also Muslims, since you can apparently deduce a person’s religion from his race and his jacket.

And, per Pastor Swank, it’s about time that you “grass roots” realized that all Muslims are murderous demons who are planning to kill you.

Islam is proving itself to be too weird to tolerate.

I think the only response to the above is “It takes one to know one.”

The plane mutiny is a reflection of the peace world’s thinking. In time, the entire peace community should get the harsh facts that Islam is out to do us all in.

Okay, Islam is out to do us in, so  what should the peace community do about it?

Well, per the good Pastor, the liberty republics must expel all Muslims, because they’re all bad.  Every single one of them.

Therefore, in every liberty republic, citizens must make choices to protect themselves, their communities, their laws, their judicial systems, educational systems and futures.

That means ousting Muslims. None can be trusted. Why? Because even the so-called kind Muslims say and do nothing to protest their killing “brothers and sisters.” Therefore, who within a Muslim conclave can finally be trusted?

All Muslims are born to be loyal to the Koran.

And this truth about how and why Muslims are born  has caused Pastor Swank to rethink his support of the Iraq War.

Yes, he has concluded that all that talk about “freedom spread” was just a lot of hooey, because the Muslims on our side are, at the end of the day, still Muslims, and as such are Satanic monsters who deserve killing just as much as the ones who are fighting us.

And so George Bush was wrong to lead us into a war to help them – we should have just nuked the whole Middle East.  And then we should have deported everyone who looked Asian and spoke what might have been Arabic. Deported them all to hell, where they came from!

We freedom lovers were sadly mistaken about planting a democracy in Iraq. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. That is why there is not one Muslim democracy on the planet. Democracy won’t fit. Freedom is the antithesis to cultic, demonic practices prescribed by the Koran. […]

Therefore, America should admit that a huge mistake was made in Iraq.

So, is Pastor Swank, the most fervent of Bush supporters, the guy who used to write five pieces a week praising the President’s wisdom and courage, now claiming that George made a huge mistake, and we should bring the troops home ???

Yup, pretty much.

You know, the Bush White House must be totally depressed about now, because when you’ve lost Pastor Grant Swank, it means that not even your mother supports you anymore.

Bush needs to admit that he made a mistake regarding his understanding of Islam. I personally believe that in his soul he knows that now far too much. So does Tony Blair. Then they need to admit their error and go forward to support our troops by bringing them home.

Remember when only traitors like Congressman Murtha used to say stuff like that?

2.  Dr. Miks S. Adams, Ph.D.:”Colleges for Jews to Avoid, Part I

Thesis: Jews should avoid colleges where anybody on the faculty has called for a peace settlement between Israel and its enemies.

But more importantly, the military should waive its age, health, and psychological fitness standards and draft Dr. Mike, because he could kill thousands of those Muslim terrorists, if only he was sent to Iraq and given enough bullets.


Over the course of my life, I have pondered many improbable situations. For example, what would it be like to play first base for the Atlanta Braves?

Translation: Despite all the brooding he does about those who have wronged him, and all intense satisfaction he gets from the hours he spends imagining their fiery deaths, Dr. Mike is really just a regular guy who enjoys the sane wholesome sporting events that you do. Really!

What would it be like to work as Anna Kournikova’s live-in masseuse?

Translation: Despite his hatred of women, and his fear of vaginas, Dr. Mike is very much a lady’s man, and he loves the babes. Really!

Just how many Muslim terrorists could I kill if the military would ignore my age and let me serve as a sniper?

Translation: When they set up canned hunts of swarthy people who speak what might be Arabic, Dr. Mike will so be there!

But I never pondered what life would be like as a Jewish student at the University of Texas at Austin – that is, until I read a letter written by 27 anti-Semites and self-hating Jews who teach there. The letter – addressed to Secretary of State Condi Rice – is reproduced below in its entirety.

Translation: Dr. Mike is going to try to get paid for a whole column, while only contributing about 100 words of his own. But don’t you try doing anything like that in any of his classes, you lazy snot-nosed punks!

3.  John Stossel:Leave the decadent businessman alone!

Thesis: Successful businessmen should be able to sexually harass women if they want to – after all, they’re rich!

Sub-thesis: There should be an official droit de seigneur policy at “20/20.” .


Dov Charney is a fast-talking 36-year-old entrepreneur whose company has a loose, sexy atmosphere. As you might guess, some former workers have sued him for sexual harassment.

Charney pays his 4,000 employees, mostly immigrants, an average $12.75 an hour, plus subsidized lunches, health care, and free English classes.


Charney feels free to engage in sexual relationships with staff members. “If it’s a truly consensual loving relationship,” he says, “there’s nothing wrong with it. I think that those relationships can be very healthy and are very much part of living in a free world.”

Yes, immigrant women, having sex with the boss is very much part of living in a free world.  Remember that!

But in today’s highly policed workplace, that belief brought Charney trouble. Three women who used to work for him sued, claiming he created a “hostile environment.” The plaintiffs say they were made to feel unwelcome, and Charney is accused of dropping his pants and revealing his underwear.

Charney told me, “I’ve never had any intimate intentions with these women. I never propositioned them in any way. All of these allegations are false.”

Of course, the women never said that he had “Intimate intentions” with them, they said that he gave them vibrators (shades of Bill O’Reilly!), invited them to masturbate with him, and he exposed himself to them.

But, per Stossel, that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to sue him, because “If you don’t like the atmosphere in a workplace, don’t work there.”

However, our stupid nanny state won’t let a bold,paternalistic entrepreneur like Charney rule his plantation as he sees fit. Damn it, it’s hardly worth being a boss anymore!

Freedom is the most important thing. But now Charney is a maverick swimming against the tide of Big Government with its endless laws telling us how to live, what we may say, and even whom we can look at sexually.

Do the bureaucrats and labor lawyers really know best?

We’ll be better off when we can paraphrase what Jonathan Edwards said in his 1970s song “Sunshine”: “They can’t even run their own lives. I’ll be damned if they’ll run mine.”

Um, John honey, ”Sunshine” is about a rich guy who tries to run the lives of his workers — and how, after the revolution, we’ll all know where the “fruits of what we do” are going. So, John, are you sure this is the song you wanted to quote in this piece?

But you have proven your creds as a brave, young rebel by quoting both a pop song from the1970s AND a line from Ayn Rand in the same column.  I’m sure you’ll be getting lots of that sweet workplace sex too, now.

4. Meghan Cox Gurdon:Kitchen Confidential

When not reviewing children’s books for the Wall Street Journal, Meghan reviews anti-feminist books for The Weekly Standard. (She’s versatile, you see.)

This time she’s reviewing To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife by Caitlin Flanagan. The piece’s subtitle, “Inside every feminist, a woman yearns to break free,” gives us a pretty good idea of what she thinks the moral we should take from the book is going to be.

I am aware that the words “candid memoir” have come to imply, in our memoir-littered literary landscape, ever-darker revelations of neglect, debauchery, and (if the publisher is lucky) incest.

Then we’ll take a moment right now to congratulate the future publishers of the inevitable memoirs of Victrola, Heliotrope, Dyspepsia, and Brock Samson Gurdon.

That’s what people seem to want to read, but, mercifully, Flanagan does not reveal anything so gruesome. What she does reveal, though, is in its effect plenty grim. You may laugh out loud at many passages–I certainly did–but what the book says about modern American women may make you want to bang your head against a wall.

I’m guessing that Flanagan says that modern women very rarely weave their own linen sheets these days, and they don’t wear attractive house dresses and pearls while they order the maid to mop and wax the floors.

First, the good news: Flanagan is a sparkling stylist, and she is definitely on to something with her idea of an “inner housewife,” that secret part of emancipated womanhood that clings to old-fashioned feminine roles even as the outer lawyer, or whatever, rejects them. For who among us doesn’t resent the drudgery of battling squalor through repetitive acts of washing, wiping, and tidying? At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…

Sorry, the rest of this article is available only to subscribers.

Okay, gentle readers, once again your assignment is to finish Meghan’s paragraph — tell us just what kind of a pile gives every women a weird charge in her heart of hearts?

I know you’ll do me proud with this one!