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Archive for August, 2009

Murder By Bridge

Posted by scott on August 31st, 2009

Mama said there’d be days like this.  My herniated disc tried rather abruptly this morning to finally make good its escape from my spine, and a creditable effort it was.  Meanwhile, as I was busy attempting to medicate my malfunctioning back into submission, I was visited by a cluster headache — which, if you’ve never had the pleasure, feels a bit like you’re trying to pass a fully inflated blowfish through your right eye, but it’s gotten stuck in the socket.  And it’s wriggling.  Fortunately, I have medication for that as well, which means that at present my bloodstream is a wholly owned subsidiary of Pfizer.


As you can imagine, I haven’t felt inspired to compound the pain by reading any of the usual suspects today, but as I wandered somnolently past RenewAmerica, I did stub my toe on the reliably truculent Warner Todd Huston, who has dedicated today’s column to proving that Chappaquiddick was MURDER!

Over at the Chicago Tribute, writer Eric Zorn indulged in a “thought experiment,” wondering how different the outcome might have been had the tragedy  played out in the era of 24-hour cable news.  According to Huston, Zorn concludes that Teddy Kennedy’s subsequent accomplishments in the Senate were worth the life of one young woman, although that doesn’t seem to be the question he’s posing.  Again, maybe it’s the drugs talking, but since Kennedy was never charged with a crime, the issue seems to be whether justice would have been better served if he’d been tried in the press.  But let’s sit back and let Warner lay out his case in his usual magisterial fashion:

If this isn’t the perfect example that liberals don’t care who has to die in order to make sure that left wing policies win the day, then nothing does. We can see this prime example in Eric Zorn’s horrid August 28 editorial where he thanks … well, whatever deity leftists believe in, if any… that the country didn’t quickly find out about the homicide of Mary Jo Kopechne that was committed by Teddy Kennedy in July of 1969.

You know, given the circumstances, I think even Jack McCoy would have let Kennedy plead to Man II.

Zorn is happy that the news of Teddy’s crime was quashed for hours as the poor woman slowly drowned while Teddy boy sat around a plush hotel drinking with pals.

It was the perfect crime…until D.A. Warner Todd Huston took the case!

So, as far as Zorn is concerned, quashing the news of the homicide that Kennedy committed was a good thing. In Zorn’s opinion, allowing the woman to slowly drown wasn’t so bad after all.

You’ll notice Counsel is stressing the “quashing” and the “slowly drown” part.  This was the crucial part of the murderer’s plan; he had to make sure he rolled his Oldsmobile off the bridge at just the precise speed and angle so that it would land upside down, creating an air pocket that would allow his victim to drown slowly enough that he could swim back to Edgartown and establish an alibi by drinking with buddies in a plush hotel.

It was a fiendishly diabolical plot.  But the killer forgot just one thing!  He was up against the World’s Greatest Detective, Warner Todd Huston!

There is no doubt whatever that Teddy Kennedy is guilty of homicide. There is little doubt that after that he was guilty of all sorts of moral outrages and violations of the law not to mention sins against his country. He was a terror supporter by helping the IRA during “the troubles,” he was a drunk and a sexual harasser, he tried to make side deals against his country with our enemies, and he supported some of the most un-American policies ever to disgrace Washington. That on top of his culpability in Kopechne’s death.

Teddy Kennedy was an odious, horrible American from a long line of criminals, abusers, drug addicts and murderers.

Actually, a lot of these details seem to assume facts not in evidence, or contradict the accepted chronology of events, and I have to admit I had some doubts about Warner’s assertions; that is, until I read his bio.  “Warner Todd Huston’s thoughtful commentary [is] sometimes irreverent[,] often historically based.”  I always thought his thoughtful commentaries were petroleum based, like caulking and pantyhose — so color me abashed.

Now I’m going to see if I can crawl gingerly enough into bed that I can keep my vertebrae from colliding like Clackers.

Sunday Sermonette: Pastor Swank Thinks You’re Crazy

Posted by scott on August 30th, 2009

PastorSwank.jpgPastor Swank is beginning to feel like Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes — the one sane man in a World Gone Mad!  He’s also starting to feel a touch like Charlton Heston in Soylent Green — the lone voice of truth drowned out by the din of a World Gone Mad!  And he’s showing increasing signs of feeling like Charlton Heston in Omega Man — the last soul who’s kept his humanity in a World Gone Mad!  And Albino!  Also, I think he sometimes feels like that one girl with the pixilated face who won’t take her top off — the last bastion of decency in a Girls Gone Wild!  But that’s just a hunch.  The important thing is, he thinks you people are dangerously unstable.

Baby killer Ted Kennedy praised?

Sane people know for sure that this sphere is laden with crazy people and crazy situations.

It’s true, the inmates are running the asylum!  It’s a sort of autonomous collective — an anarcho-syndicalist commune, with the members taking it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

Ted Kennedy is one of those personages and his passing is one of those situations.

True.  It took me two or three tries before I could even say “brain cancer” without cracking up.  I don’t think there’s been a wackier demise since Chuckles the Clown.

This man endorsed killing womb babies.

And I thought Bob Dole sold out when he did those Viagra commercials.

One becomes so utterly weary dealing daily with the nuthouse mortals throwing their power around that it becomes a numbing press upon the psyche. That in itself causes some of us moralists the leisure of simply overlooking for the umpteenth time the lunatic happenings that fill up our years here.

The good Pastor has made a good faith effort to deal with our dementia, but it’s just becoming all too much, and he’s seriously considering putting the country in a home.

Kennedy was one of the countless persons championing slaying boys and girls inside female bodies.

Granted, it’s not the Most Dangerous Game, but it’s still nice to get out of the house and into the womb, camping with your buddies, putting out your fetal decoys, sitting in your baby blind with your dog and your gun, sippin’ a beer and occasionally blowing on your Zygote Call.

I know that Barack Hussein Obama is like unto Ted. So is Nancy Pelosi. And therefore the bloody list winds out into eternity.

And once you’re on the bloody list that winds out into eternity, they will not stop spamming you.

But with all that as an hour-by-hour atrocity fact

That’s my favorite Trivial Pursuit edition.

moralists must once in awhile come back to the baseline which is to shout loudly that these creatures are bad. They are evil. They say that righteousness is wicked and wickedness is righteous.

They’re trying to tempt us into Hell with their clever wordplay.

It is heavy enough just to read their lambasting Israeli fruitcakes who thought themselves god let alone have to minister to the devil bent year after year.

Wondering if you’re one of the crazy personages who’s causing a numbing press upon the Pastor’s psyche?  Well, Swank has thoughtfully provided the previous sentence as an eye test chart for your sanity.  Read it through again –  if it still makes no sense, you’re probably still okay.

Is there any wonder that Jesus wearied having to minister to the numb in head who wore clergy garb in the name of Jehovah? Thank God Jesus had only three years of public ministry. With enemies attacking His every holy deed, three years certainly was enough.

If they hadn’t crucified him, he definitely would’ve needed a nap.

That is why when liberals read this article they have fits. Their bodies twitch and their jaws drop to the dust. How can anyone type out a sentence stating that Ted Kennedy is a child slayer? How can any decent person even think of speaking such syllables when a man has just breathed his last?

Well, take it from me, it is indeed possible.

Pastor Swank has done the possible!

And not only possible but absolutely necessary in order to cleanse our thought patterns and speech cadences, let alone filter our souls of all that gradually attaches itself to up the mire.

“Up the mire?”  We used to call it “driving the Hershey Highway.”  These Mainers and their crazy New England dialect.

Get this: Ted Kennedy represents one of the most devilish categories of homo sapiens inhabiting God’s Earth because, for one, he could not say and do enough to increase the number of slaughtered womb children.

Listen: Pastor Swank has come unstuck in time.

Working from home can be challenging, especially with two pathologically needy felines in the house who are constantly competing for attention.  But the current foundry-like atmosphere offers one advantage in this regard; if I don’t turn on the a/c in the living room, both the cats turn into bathmats.


Sorry for the peepshow, dude, but I really gotta aerate my pelt.

But occasionally Riley will assert her superior intellect and superincumbent villainy and turn herself into a lap rug just to share the misery.


I don’t care if this is your armrest.  It’s too hot to move, so until further notice it’s my headrest.

Where There’s Smoke…

Posted by scott on August 29th, 2009

Well, what with the sulfurous pall and the triple digit temperatures, we’re either experiencing a crappy summer, or a great viral marketing campaign for Hell.  The fire isn’t even particularly close, and yet there’s a huge plume of smoke roiling over the hills behind our building.


And the next wingnut who smugly declares that his unseasonably cool local weather means global climate change is a myth will be cordially invited to eat the ashes I just scraped off my windshield.  The buffet line forms to the right, ladies and gents.

Illiterate Basterds

Posted by scott on August 28th, 2009

Last night I went with a friend to see Inglorious Basterds, and as a veteran of many a Tarantino film, it was pretty much exactly what I expected it to be.  Also predictable was the reaction of those right bloggers with an interest in reviving the aesthetics of Soviet Realism; Debbie Schlussel, for instance, hastened to declare it her Movie of the Year.  But if the sight of skulls being cracked like coconuts thrilled her (“it’s good against evil.  And it’s thoroughly satisfying.  I wish they showed even more…the treatment [the Germans] got in this movie is the same way we should treat all of our enemies, but simply don’t have the guts to do so”), at the same time it made her sad to think of all the heads that would go cinematically unbashed (“no-one in Hollywood has the guts to do an “Inglorious Basterds” with Americans fighting our current enemy:  Muslim invaders who’ve also replaced their friends, the Nazis, as the thugs upon Europe”).

What I didn’t anticipate was the way the film would inspire certain bloggers to fashion their own Louisville Sluggers out of dense, straight-grained stupidity, and start swinging wildly at the heads of their own readers.  Dr. Melissa Clothier, the Opinin’ Osteopath, took several particularly vicious cuts the instant I clicked this link from Roy’s place.

Inglourious Bastards might be Quentin Tarantino’s best movie so far. As expected, it’s full of gruesome violence, gratuitous splattering blood, and revenge fantasies.

To quote Crow T. Robot:  “Whatever tugs at your bobber, little buddy.”

Tarantino has some messages for everyone though and they aren’t politically correct…Here are some of the lessons from the movie:

This should do wonders for our national security posture.

1. Enhanced Interrogation works: The reason William Wallace from Braveheart fame was so remarkable was because he didn’t break.

He also didn’t win.

Nearly everyone, eventually breaks.

Unless they’re played by Mel Gibson.  Then they go gloriously to their death, blaming the Jews and calling Robert the Bruce “Sugar Tits.”

When one gets a bad guy to spill the beans, good guys get saved. It ain’t pretty. But sleep deprivation, psychological discomfort, and in Tarantino’s case, a public head bashing are very effective means of extracting information.

Yes, people who’ve been driven to a psychotic episode by sleep deprivation, then had their skull fractured by a baseball bat are frequently a font of useful information.  I’m pretty sure this is how Roger Ailes preps Glenn Beck before each show.

2. There are bad guys.

That is a fresh slant.

Now, in this politically correct world, only the Nazis may be used as bad guys. Don’t mention the barbary of Native Americans or current slave traders, or Hugo Chavez.

Okay, I admit it, I never knew that Native Americans were infested with Saracens.  No wonder they were so grouchy.

Hell, don’t mention the barbaric acts of actual barbarians–the Barbary pirates.

And don’t talk about their barbacans, barbeques, or Barbarian Brothers movies on VHS.

These days, the only acceptable bad guy is of German extraction.

And it’s led cinema into a creative cul-de-sac.  Aren’t we all just a little tired of watching Godzilla fight gigantic Nazi stormtroopers?

Actually…I’d probably go see that.

Anyone who is labeled “bad” is labeled Hitlerian.

For instance, Bryan Cranston’s character in Breaking Bad, and his plans to exterminate world Jewry by selling meth to Southwestern crackers.

For fun though, when you go see the movie, just put an Islamist in the place of the Nazi.

It’s almost as much fun as watching two girls go at it in a porn tape and putting yourself in the place of the pizza delivery boy.   But I have to wonder just how much attention you’re paying to the film’s profound and complex message if you’re devoting most of your brain’s computing power to digitally replacing the Germans with Arabs.  Oh well, I guess it doesn’t really matter, as long as you’re not doing it every time a Nazi shows up on screen.

Every time. Just imagine a freedom hating terrorist biting it hard. It’s profoundly satisfying.

I hope her seat had a chance to air dry before the next screening.

If Tarantino were really that edgy, he’d have chosen a more relevant bad guy, but in these times, naming evil is passé.

It’s tough when producers are too timid to properly service your fetish.  Snuff porn enthusiasts, for instance, have to make do with torture porn, and it’s weak tea indeed.

What made me love the movie most, though, didn’t occur on the screen. The packed theater that made my vengeance-loving heart glad.

NOTE TO DR. CLOTHIER’S PATIENTS:  Ask her if she’s just returned from a matinee of Inglorious Basterds before allowing her to violently twist your neck.

Primal? Uncivilized? It’s pretty to think so.

Thanks, Hemingway.

So, while I’m still waiting for Quentin Tarantino to show some real courage and portray the monstrosity that is Islamofascism–the psychotic Muslim element who carry around Mein Kempf for moral encouragement–I’ll take what I can get. And right now, a movie where the bad guys get incinerated is profoundly satisfying.

It’s nice to see the good guys win. It’s nice to see the bad guys suffer and die. I’m hoping that Inglourious Bastards starts a trend. Now, to choose a more timely enemy.

P.S. Brad Pitt is hot. And the way he says “Nazis” makes me smile. I’m saying it that way from now on. Nat-zees.

UPDATE TO PATIENTS:  If your chiropractor has suddenly started talking in a comically exaggerated Appalachian accent, consider rescheduling your appointment.

The moral equivalence crowd can shove their sanctimony up their collective ass. There are people right now who loved seeing Americans die in the World Trade Center. They relished it and still do. The Lockerbie bomber, Al Qaeda, the Taliban all glory in their death cult. No reasoning, no gentleness will change their black souls. Just as Nazis felt justified in their abject cruelty, so do the Islamofascists who carry out their modern mission of freedom killing violence.

The only solution? Kill the killers.

There is a reason America continues to fight this pesky foe.

Looking back on the carnage wrought by the Second World War, I believe we can best and most solemnly honor the memory of its victims by never forgetting the gosh darned peskiness of the Nazis.

It’s us or them. Let it be them.

Or let it be Lowenbrau.

By the way, to the liberals out there: Was World War II a revenge fantasy?

Crap, I meant to study for this!  Um, I’m gonna say…False?

Because technically, the European theater wasn’t “our” war. I mean Germans didn’t attack us.

They just declared war on us.

And that war cost a lot of money.

Oh now you’re worried about how spendy an invasion can get?

I do not regret that America took the war to the terrorist murderers. A sense of moral outrage should determine foreign policy.

Unless Jimmy Carter is in the White House.

Barack Obama’s bland indifference to the people of Iran is telling. Should we go to war there?

I think we should let outrage decide.  It’s got a level head.

That can be disputed. But what cannot be disputed is that Iran is a totalitarian, fascist regime that wants to exterminate a whole race of people. IT IS EVIL. To not be affronted by their disgusting philosophy and actions is to show indifference to innocent, freedom-loving people.

Let’s bomb the crap out of its freedom-loving people.

The left resisted efforts to get involved in WWII.

That’s why they supported the Republican side in the Spanish Civil War, and were later accused of “premature anti-fascism.”  Oh wait, sorry.  You want the America Firsters — they’re in the Henry Regnery Memorial Ballroom and Bund next door.

They didn’t want to see the atrocities of Japan, Germany and Italy, especially, because it didn’t fit their never ending selfish narrative.

It’s true.  Most leftists who saw Guernica in 1937 simply dismissed it as “that painting with the weird cow.”

Either freedom or tyranny is on the march. It is never static. And freedom must be bought or lost.

So freedom can be bought, lost, or marched on (but not in your socks, or you’ll get all staticky).  Choose wisely.

Dr. Melissa has apparently received some remedial tutoring in the chronology of World War II, and has issued an update which is actually stupider than anything you’ve read so far.  Feel free to click through and be dazzled, but I’ve got to go now and try to stuff my brain back in my skull.

Duke of Hurl

Posted by scott on August 26th, 2009

I don’t know Selwyn Duke personally, so I’m in no position to question either his motives, or his qualifications to opine on the hot button issues of the day.  All I know about him I have gleaned from his writings, but this data, skimpy though it may be, has lead me to the following conclusions:

1.  He thinks you’re a bigot.

2.  He thinks he’s smarter than you (so smart, in fact, that he can convince you — through sheer force of logic! — that he’s not a bigot).

3.  Based on his name alone, he would have made a fine third tier silent film actor.

4.  As long as there’s a black man in the White House, Selwyn will be churning out inches of faux erudition proving that school segregation was Thurgood Marshall’s fault.

The Race Idiots

With relativistic people, there is no such thing as a true axiom

Well, that’s too bad, because a “true axiom” sounds great.  I’m not sure exactly how you’d make a self-evident truth even truer, but there must be a way; it probably involves reversing the polarity, or adding flavor crystals…

yet you’d never know it listening to our modern mantras.

I have to admit, I do miss the old fashioned mantras, the kind the Greatest Generation used to chant.  Makes me nostalgic for the way my grandma’s kitchen always smelled of Old Dutch Cleanser and incense.

We hear things such as “Our strength lies in our diversity,” “Religion has caused all the wars in history,” and “Everything is a matter of perspective” proclaimed with theological assurance.  Of course, the last supposition is contradictory, and embracing it renders moral supposition itself meaningless.

Yes, pull on your Wellington boots, it’s going to be a bit of a slog.

Regardless, it’s natural for man to make sense of the world by “profiling” elements of reality.

For instance, in last week’s column, All the president’s bigoted men, Selwyn made sense of his world by profiling a bunch of black people:

For all intents and purposes, politically liberal blacks are by definition bigoted.

This is true virtually to a man.

This seems somewhat prejudicial — and it is — but as we’ll see, it’s not a negative prejudice.

Many will say that I’m prejudiced for painting all the members of such a large group with the same brush. But let’s note that “prejudice” in the negative sense denotes an unfavorable opinion about a person, group or thing that has no basis in reality.

To paraphrase Trent Lott, if only beleaguered white people had taken a break from applying police dogs and fire hoses to the problem of civil rights to explain that blanket statements about racial minorities aren’t bigotry if they’re true, then we wouldn’t have had all these problems over the years.  Anyway, back to this week’s cerebral extrusions…

Understand that bigotry is simply a manifestation of one of the Seven Deadly Sins: wrath.  It is not the end-all and be-all, the source of all our woes.  It is not, relatively speaking, even a major problem (although, it waxes when we let the Sharptons, Jacksons and Obamas of the world stir the pot).

In fact, we’d hardly have any measurable race prejudice at all in this country if it wasn’t for African-Americans, because even though they make up only 13.5% of the population, their high number of liberal bigots is totally screwing up the curve.

So the question is not whether bigotry exists and is a problem, as this is true of every sin.  It concerns whether it is a characteristic problem.In other words, if we were to constantly lament our lacking math ability, it would imply one of two things.  It either stands out in reality, making us pay it some mind, or it stands out only in our minds, in which case we are detached from reality.

I’m guessing you picked Door Number Two.

If the former, it would have to pale in comparison to the mathematical achievement of other nations or to our ability in other areas, such as English and history.  So the question is, does our obsession with bigotry meet one of the last criterion’s two elements?

Well, judging by last that paragraph, I don’t think math is our biggest problem.

Let’s now contrast this manifestation of wrath with the rest of our national sins.

Let me guess…Boobies?

It’s obvious where we should start.  Given that we have sexual imagery and innuendo everywhere, classes in pornography and “sexology” in colleges, and stories of children re-enacting Caligula’s court in schools…

Another No Child Left Behind success story!

…can we really make the case that bigotry is a greater problem than lust?

African-Americans would be entirely content with their place in society if it wasn’t for the rabble rousing effects of Black Tail magazine!

What about greed?  Well, given the Bernie Madoffs of the world, the recent Wall Street woes, rapacious government officials and the long-accepted maxim about the lust for money being the root of all evil, it just may rank a bit higher as well.

Tell you what, Sel, I’ll be more than willing to admit that greed is just as corrosive as bigotry on the day that the black community’s biggest problem isn’t unemployment, or underfunded schools, or unequal treatment before the law, but how the heck they’re going to explain away their billion dollar bonuses.

Sloth?  Our welfare state and handout-and-entitlement mentality.

Welfare Queens and uninsured paupers who’d rather go to an emergency room and drive up premiums for everyone who already has insurance, rather than die and reduce the surplus population?  Selwyn’s looking at you.

Envy?  Class warfare.

Why look, young Selwyn has a Frank Luntz-tested buzzword for everything.  He has learned his catechism, the beamish boy!  And of course, the great thing about turning social ills into personal vices is that some of them cancel each other out.  If the Have-Nots would just not demand to have what the Haves have, that would put an end to class warfare, which in turn would decriminalize Greed.

Pride?  Given how people are loath to admit error –

True.  Bush never admitted he was wrong to ignore the Presidential Daily Briefing entitled “Bin Laden determined to strike in US.”  He never admitted the Iraq War was a mistake; Cheney never admitted that permitting — even demanding — that the U.S. military and intelligence agencies use torture on captured terrorism suspects had a deleterious effect on national security…

think Obama and his refusal to apologize to the Cambridge police — and the super-size egos that abound, this trumps bigotry also.

Oh, right.  I guess my deadly sin is that I tend to get hung up on the little things and miss the Big Picture.

This lack of perspective is no small matter

Yeah, I’ve noticed.

Just think about race-based quotas, affirmative action and set asides.  Consider the assumption that relative racial homogeneity within a business or organization equates to racial animosity in its leaders’ hearts

The only way to prove that the reason a company hasn’t hired any blacks is because they don’t want to hire any blacks is to perform open heart surgery on each member of the Board of Directors, and everybody in Personnel.  And that’s expensive.  Which means that it’s primarily due to frivolous lawsuits by black people alleging employment discrimination that the cost of health care is so high.

…or how largely white neighborhoods are targeted with “low income” housing

You know, Selwyn’s beginning to talk about minorities the same way that obnoxious dork at the beginning of Night of the Living Dead talked about zombies: “They’re coming to get you, Barbara…!”

All the while we have schools teaching perversion, profligate government spending, illegal aliens “undocumented” into legitimacy, criminals who go unpunished, slackers who are rewarded, heroes who are derided and traitors who are exalted.  We have caricatured virtue and vice, exaggerating some parts to grotesque proportions while ignoring others.

Hell, after this paragraph alone we can scratch “Caricature virtue and vice” off our To Do list.

The result is that we misdirect our scalpel during “corrective” surgery, slicing off healthy tissue while allowing cancerous tumors in our midst to grow unfettered.

Hm.  “[C]ancerous tumors in our midst,” I wonder if that’s supposed to be some kind of metaphor for certain people…?

Nazi ideologists frequently employed [medical and disease metaphors] in their public attacks on the Jews.  In these metaphors, the Jews were compared to various types of bacilli or disease: cancers, plague, or tuberculosis.

Nah.  Probably not…Anyway, I shouldn’t compare Selwyn’s column to Nazi rhetoric; after all, he hasn’t broken Godwin’s law…

The modern leftist is as blind as a Nazi who thinks he is good because he is hygienic and punctual.

Oops.  Looks like Mother Superior jumped the gun there…

Yet this leftist conception of virtue is as shallow as it is narrow; its definition of goodness doesn’t seem to involve love for what one defends as much as equal-opportunity hatred. As to this, I have long observed something: liberals treat blacks like people; the problem is that they don’t treat people like people.  That is to say, they treat blacks like everyone else, but they treat everyone pretty shabbily.

What does that mean, exactly?  It’s not like liberals go around torturing people…

With Torquemada-like zeal they advance the dogma that we must treat all people equally…

Those where the days, back when the Equal Employment Opportunities Commission could impose the Auto-da-fe, instead of these wimpy fines.

Equally at what moral level?  You can treat people equally by killing them all with the same expedition and ferocity.

And that’s how we get from the liberal push to provide health care for all Americans, to forcing patients to stand in their hospital gowns before a leftist Star Chamber and defend their right take a beta blocker.

So here is the implied standard: you may curse people out generically for five minutes with seething hatred, just don’t utter one racial epithet.  You may let everyone starve, just don’t give one race a morsel of food another cannot digest.

Lactose-intolerance is the new Black.

You may corrupt all races with vile hip-hop anti-culture, just don’t imply that it is more corruptive than anything else.  This is our national hang-up, our racial Puritanism.

I agree, Mr. Duke, that your column is rich in “racial Puritanism,” I just don’t think it means what you want us to think it means.  So I guess after all this, I’ve learned one more thing about Selwyn:  He seems to be dying to shout out certain words and ideas that even American Thinker wouldn’t publish or condone, but he believes he’s smart enough to encode his message in such a way that only the Right Kind of People will be able to decrypt it.  So actually, he’s pretty stupid.

Okay, so two things.

Top Ten Google Searches

Posted by scott on August 24th, 2009

Welcome to our occasional series in which we attempt to answer the burning Google queries bringing the inquisitive to World O’ Crap.

1.  Would Mandingo hurt a woman?

Well, I’m a man, and it stung like hell when I watched it.  Unless of course the Googler is a woman who’s considering having sex with the title character of Mandingo — the slave, Ganymede — and is just doing a little pre-bedding vetting. In that case, all I can say is that he seemed nice enough, so it really comes down to patience and adequate lubrication.

2.  Economic undertones abba song

I’m glad to see this revival of interest in Nordic disco and neo-classical economics.  As many readers will recall, the Swedish super group ABBA were primarily famous for their pop songs about mid-70s stagflation.  Perhaps their most explicitly macroeconomic dance tracks appeared on their 1975 self-titled album — in particular the song Bang-A-Boomerang, a favorite of Chicago School economists, which passionately argued for a strict adherence to Friedman-style monetarism, with lyrics such as “Every feeling your showing/Is a boomerang you’re throwing” (a clear reference to rational choice theory).

3.  Does gut shot to cat kill it

Well, Jim-Bob, I regret to say that yes, it does seem likely.  So might I recommend that you stop looking to Google for a solution, put on the safety, and take your cat to the goddamned vet!  Even if it does make you late to the health care town hall.

4.  Is love putting up with someones crap

Ah, now that’s a question for the Ages, Googler.  But if you’re talking about the love between a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, or two women and a draft pick to be named later, then yes, that’s a pretty good definition.  If you’re talking about the love between, say, a woman and her Bichon Frise, then love is mostly picking up someone’s crap.

5.  gay fuck of model world in Chinese

This is the sexually explicit and ultra violent Category III Hong Kong movie that was later remade by Wayne Wang as Maid in Manhattan.

6.  public hair peeping

…is the top online porn fetish site in Saudi Arabia.  It offers a product similar to those Japanese “upskirt” videos, except the Saudi pornographers focus their hidden cameras on the hijabs of passersby, hoping to catch a glimpse of a woman’s hairline.  Or, on windy days, even a forbidden peek of a veiled matron’s unbleached mustache.

7.  lane bryant chubbies

Much like “Victoria Secret Stiffies,” the Chubby is a physiological reaction men can experience when flipping through the Lane Bryant catalog — especially the provocative pictorial on page 43 for “the Cacique Back Smoothing Bra.”

8.  do girls get boners

I’m beginning to think these Abstinence Only sex education courses aren’t worth all the money we’ve been pouring into them.

9.  mr poppin fresh

In 1970, Pillsbury briefly dropped its longtime mascot, freeing him up to at last pursue his dream project.  It was a grim, violent crime drama entitled They Call Me MISTER Poppin Fresh!, and is remembered today primarily for its gritty New York locations, and a scene in a dark, rainy alley where Poppin Fresh is beaten to a pulp by a gang of mobsters who become increasingly enraged and brutal when he giggles every time they punch him in the gut.

10.  Old men fuck old men

And if you don’t mind, we’d like to keep it that way.  It just seems like a really good system.

We’ve had Moondoggie for a bit over two years now, but he’s still the new meat, still a trifle insecure, and not above making the occasional effort to be a stimulating companion in our postprandial discussion salon.


Whereas Riley has tenure, and clearly isn’t sweating the results of her annual review:


“Yeah…?  What’s your deal?

Technical Difficulties

Posted by scott on August 22nd, 2009


Thank you for the many kind wishes on the occasion of our anniversary; as s.z. and I frequently marveled, the World o’ Crap commenters are the smartest, funniest, kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human beings in the world — and I’m not just saying that because Angela Landsbury suggested I play solitaire.  She’s not the boss of me!

Second, I’d like to apologize for not demonstrating my gratitude in a more tangible fashion; say, with a new post, perhaps?  Internet and cable have been out since yesterday, but Time-Warner is sending a technician, and with any luck we’ll be back on the air by this afternoon.

Now Accepting Gifts of Sugar and Iron

Posted by scott on August 20th, 2009

I see from my Wingnut a Day calendar that today is World o’ Crap’s sixth anniversary!

Yes, it all started on August 20, 2003, at a small 500-watt Radioland blog in Fresno, California, with an introductory and oddly spelled post by the mysterious entity known only as “s.z.”  Very quickly, her true identity became the cause of much debate in the blogosphere; some felt she was a gay man — well, that’s what Vox Day thought — others believed her to be Thomas Pynchon, B. Traven, or an Artificial Intelligence program which had passed the Turing test and escaped into the Internet and where, like Neo in The Matrix, it resolved to Fight the Power by poking gentle fun at wingnuts.  When pressed, or bored, s.z. would admit to being an astronaut, spy, and supermodel, but as we would later discover, only one of those jobs is actually on her resume.

So I was thinking, as a tribute to our absent friend, what say we bring out an old favorite…How about a little Pastor Swank?


Thinking heads throughout the Republic are finally getting some headway, particularly regarding Obama’s Whack Non-Health Blanket.

I tried diagramming this sentence, but it wound up looking like those dick drawings that John Madden doodles on the screen during football games.  So let’s just see if we can untangle it instead.

Okay, “[T]hinking heads” suggests that they’re disembodied, so this is probably a reference to the 1963 documentary, They Saved Hitler’s Brain.

they saved hitlers brain.jpg

This would make sense, since Obama is basically synonymous with Adolf Hitler in the public imagination.  Next, “throughout the Republic,” is obviously a sly reference to the upcoming Star Wars game, The Old Republic, which is highly anticipated by conservative gamers, because Dick Cheney is a playable Sith.


“[F]inally getting some headway,” probably means it was the Pastor’s birthday, or wedding anniversary.

“[P]articularly regarding Obama’s Whack.”  Swank realizes that Obama is black, and obviously feels that his point is important enough that he should attempt to communicate with the President in his native tongue, while “Non-Health Blanket” is clearly an reference to the smallpox-infected blankets the U.S. Army bestowed upon the Plains Indians, and which, according to the House bill, will now be a part of your grandmother’s Medicare benefits.

Whew.  Really getting into the substance of Pastor Swank’s prose, with its rich and allusive language, is like trying to read Joyce’s Ulysses without annotations.  Maybe we should just skim.

Obama is pained due to recent right-thinking citizens howling loudly and long enough. Grassroots town halls have screeched at Congress. The mob hysteriacs who voted in a celebrity rather than a free enterprise, constitution-friendly statesman are losing ground.

So the mob hysteriacs who voted for Obama are being shouted down by the new, right-thinking mob hysteriacs, who also screeching because Congress didn’t invite them to the Saved By the Bell reunion.

As for Obama wanting a Canadian cloned health-blanket, Canada’s health care stinks. My cousin needed immediate spine care. His Halifax Nova Scotia doc was brusque, mean-hearted and just plain crude in his response to my relative’s plea.

Canadians are notoriously rude to people who can’t be bothered to keep their spines in working order.

The cousin ended up at Lahey Clinic, Burlington MA, for state-of-the-art surgery that responsibly corrected the problem.  Thank you, America!

Great, so we’re already paying for the health care of illegal immigrants?  I demand to see an itemized bill.

Mob hysteriacs put Obama the Anti-America President in control. But as we are now realizing, the hysteriacs, though many are still loyal space cadets in the brain space, are losing hold. The ground is slowly giving way to the brain alive citizens of this country.

This isn’t a particularly good argument against health care reform, but it is, I admit, a great plot synopsis of Fiend Without a Face.

As a Christian, I believe that what is happening right now is God inserting His powerplay into societal happenings for God has a vested interest in this particular country.

Although now that God actually owes more on America than the country is worth, he’s considering just mailing the keys to the bank and walking away.

This is the only nation ever created by biblical believers seeking a land where they could worship Christ and live by the Bible.

The Crusader kingdoms don’t count, because technically they were just pre-season exhibition countries.

Those founders prayed with their blood.

Services were messy.  James Madison made a point of bringing extra Wet-Naps for Benjamin Franklin, while Alexander Hamilton always wore a large bib to church.

Their petitions are still very much alive and well at heaven’s throne. With God, a thousand years is as a day and vice versa.

Which is why God hasn’t smote Canada; waiting 8 weeks for a hip replacement doesn’t really seem all that unreasonable to Him.

Couple the founders’ prayers with the earnest biblical believers’ cries present-tense and you have a mighty call-out to the divine going on 24 / 7. God is responding to those sincere pleas.

Through His call center in Mumbai. As the Lord sayeth, “Your earnest biblical believers’ cries are very important to Us.  Please stay on the line, and your mighty call-out will be answered by the next available cherub.”

We biblical Christians have just begun to witness the divine thrust retrieving our nation for its foundation’s sake.

Hey, what you do behind closed doors is your business, Pastor.

Anyway, a mighty call-out to Sheri for getting all this nonsense started.