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Archive for the 'No Country For Old Men' Category

Vernon On Vermin

Posted by scott on November 2nd, 2010

Sometimes when an old man hears the owl call his name, he will sit alone on the front porch, in a silence broken only by crickets and the creak of his rocking chair, and cast his faltering mind back to one bright, untarnished memory of love.  Of first love.  Of the Girl Who Got Away.  Wes Vernon is one such man, although in his case the porch is a right wing website, and the love of his life is the Blacklist.

To the new Congress: ferret out internal subversion

The incoming (more conservative) Congress should add one more item at or near the top of its agenda: Bring back the House Committee on Internal Security (HCIS).

We don’t need ObamaCare, we need ObamaCarthy!

We need to know who our enemies are on our own soil — abusing our freedoms to plot the death of Americans and of America itself.

If I learned anything from those soap operas that my mother obsessively watched — or, more precisely, from the commercials which punctuated them — it’s that the biggest enemy on our own soil is our own soil.  Ground-in dirt is the worst threat an American woman can face, and if we must spill the blood of patriots to defend ourselves, so be it, although blood stains are hard to get out too.

Only when we have the facts — fully documented with supporting testimony — can we chart a clear path as to how to deal with it — legislatively and in oversight of the relevant government agencies.

Perhaps we could concentrate our enemies in some sort of camp.  Then, once we’ve taught them useful skills like potholder-weaving and wallet-stitching, they could pay for their own upkeep.  (We also might want to consider boosting productivity with posters, or contests, or maybe an inspirational slogan.  Something like “work makes you free,” but rendered into a European language, like Latin, or German, to class it up a bit.)

Urgency #1 — Islamofascism

There are Hezbollah terrorist cells throughout the United States. The FBI is aware of them.

Unfortunately, due to Hezbollah’s clever practice of concealing their weapons in grape leaves and pita pockets, the FBI thinks they’re a chain of Falafel King franchises.

Lurking out there is the non-affiliated “lone wolf” terrorist, and those who have actually become American citizens for the express purpose of joining our military so they can undermine its efforts, including plots to kill our men and women in uniform.

Granted, most of them are “anchor babies” or “terrorist toddlers,” so that makes it a challenge for the lone wolfs to enlist, but what with the way the military has been steadily lowering its recruiting standards since 2003, an all-infant infantry seems inevitable.

The Homeland Security Committee (probably chaired by the ever-vigilant Rep. Peter King — R-N.Y.)

There’s a happy thought.

…deals with many issues in addition to internal threats, including policy initiatives at the highest levels. The revived HCIS would have a much heavier focus on subversion right here on American soil — from whatever source.

Probably from water, the source of all life.  And Obama’s government is piping the stuff directly into your home!

Urgency #2 — the borders

Our southern borders have all but collapsed. It is almost childishly simple for Middle East terrorists to slip through hidden amongst the poor wretches who flee their native lands of corruption and Marxist-style economies.

Arabs in sombreros are probably behind all those beheadings in Scottsdale.

Related to that is the Reconquista movement whereby Mexican authorities — with the aid of powerful allies in the U.S. — hope to retake the Southwest United States “block by block.”

Hey!  ”Block by block” is the same strategy the Islamofascist terrorist toddlers are using!  I hope they never join forces with the Reconquista Rugrats, or it’s not going to be safe to walk around the living room barefoot.

Urgency #3 — I have to pee

It’s really urgent.  Be right back.

Okay, I’m back.  What Urgency are we up to now…?



Posted by s.z. on July 16th, 2010

Say what you will about the economic crash that the liberals caused by impersonating Bush officials (and Scott pretty much said it all), but I think it’s telling that back in 2004 when we first made the acquaintance of Dr. Jack Wheeler, his wisdom was only .29 a day. So, in this world of every-increasing inflation, it’s nice to know that the price of wingnuttery is just the same!

But this does give us a chance to check on some of the predictions he made back then.

Well, the next big threat to decency, “Polygamous Homosexual Marriage,” hasn’t destroyed civilization … yet.

And what about the revolt of “the young Millennials”?

Say goodbye and good riddance to crotch-grabbing it’s-cool-to-be-a-smartass sleaze. Say hello to music you can actually listen to (i.e., that’s actually music), TV shows you can let your kids watch, and baseball caps worn normally.

Well, maybe that will happen next year?

And as far as I can tell, Dr. Wheeler hasn’t led any Conservatives on Safari (“The time has come to reward your life with the dream of Africa come true – and with conservatives just like you” tours since 2005, presumably because several lions died after eating the last group.

So, all in all, although Dr. Jack Wheeler’s advice hasn’t really stood the test of time, it makes sense that Pam Geller dug him up so that they can share that .29 a day.

Assault and Flattery

Posted by scott on June 17th, 2010


Welcome to Day 4 of the World O’ Crap Beg-A-Thon (guilty with an explanation here). We’ll be wrapping things up on Saturday, and hope to have one or two nice surprises for you. In the meantime, our deepest thanks to the folks who’ve contributed to keeping us going (and if you haven’t yet, but don’t think it’s the worst idea you’ve ever heard, you can do so through the PayPal button on the top left, or email me — scott.clevenger-at-gmail.com — for our snail mail address).

Do you remember Barry Farber, the “pioneer in talk radio” who “speaks dozens of languages fluently,” and blames Hitler for America’s opium habit?

Well, he’s back.

A stalwart member of ‘demented fringe’

Seldom does something I read cause my head physically to snap backwards as though I’d taken a good punch.

Really? That’s weird; I regularly get pummeled by my reading material. Not to complain, but Leaves of Grass crushed my septum and The Mill on the Floss broke my jaw in two places. I finally had to stop taking magazines into the bathroom with me because I wound up using all the toilet paper staunching the bloody noses I got from Macworld and Cat Fancy.

A column by Dorothy Rabinowitz did it. If it had been boxing, it would have been the end of the fight for me.

Well, Dorothy did star in Million Dollar Bubbe.

Understand, please; I adore that woman’s writing

“…but it punches me in the face!”

And she’s been doing it and I’ve been adoring it since long before the name “Obama” rang any bells.

Specifically, the bell signaling the end of the round. Get this woman’s words off me!

Once, Dorothy walked into the Christmas banquet of the Heritage Foundation where I was a guest. I sort of shriveled and shrank off to one side. It’s a Southern thing.

Below the Mason-Dixon line or below the waist, Dorothy can shrivel it.

Although I knew I was basically good, I didn’t think I’d done anything good enough to deserve to meet Dorothy Rabinowitz.


She writes for the OpinionJournal, Barry. No one deserves that.

Her column that punched me out raised and sustained the theme that President Barack Obama is simply not one of us.

He’s clearly neither a sucker-punching editorial writer nor a shrunken, shriveled Southerner.

She called him “the alien in the White House” and then artfully elevated that phrase from what might sound like a barroom jape into an unassailable geometrically proven truth.

She originally called him “the alien in the woodpile,” but she worried that only pruney Confederates would get it.

And then came the killer-clause: “He is the alien in the White House, a matter having nothing to do with delusions about his birthplace cherished by the demented fringe.”

Coincidentally, I just finished writing a spec slasher script that takes place in an isolated, snowbound toy workshop filled with sexy, but defenseless dwarves, entitled Killer Clause.

Ouch, Dorothy!

Dude, stop reading her! Or at least just skim her until the swelling goes down.

I guess that sums me up: demented fringe! What have I got wrong here? Football players like to score touchdowns. Baseball players like to hit home runs.

If Barry had warned me he was going to break into “Corner of the Sky” from Pippin, I would’ve had the taped cued up.

Obama could instantly chimpanzify millions of Americans who dislike him and galvanize his supporters to standing applause if he were ever to say, “By the way, I understand many of you would like to see this document. Here it is!”

And C-SPAN was !

Whereupon the president would unfurl and brandish a kosher long-form hospital-originated birth certificate indicating he was, indeed, born in the state of Hawaii

…under strict rabbinical supervision.

Who can explain why that performance has not yet taken place? There is doubt in the land that the president is eligible to hold that office. If proof exists, a simple showing would blow that doubt away and boost Obama’s sagging ratings.

Give in to the lunatic demands of the demented right wing fringe, Mr. President. It’ll show the liberal base that you’re serious about their issues.

Instead, derision is pressure-pumped upon the doubters like Gulf oil. And many of the president’s detractors oppose those of us in the “demented fringe” as vehemently as they oppose the president himself!

“You know, I could’ve stayed home to eat feces. I didn’t have to bring a box lunch down here to show support for your Tea Party, and to talk to these reporters about the inherent recyclability of corn!”

I suspect a strange kind of elitism. Sometimes an alcoholic can best be reached by another alcoholic

Specifically, around, from behind, in a very exciting way that both of them will pretend not to remember in the morning.

I think I understand that kind of elitism. In college, I spent a summer term at the University of Oslo, Norway. Classes were in English, and most of the other American students learned only enough Norwegian to ask for sex and beer. I really got into it. Let me tell you how good I got in Norwegian. I learned it.

Wow. That is good.

I spoke it well enough to knock their socks off.

But only their socks, so I never actually got any sex. Maybe I should’ve learned that beer phrase.

You could pinpoint my whereabouts by noting where the cloud of flying socks began in downtown Oslo!

Barry began to work in league with the coin-op dryers at the Oslo Launderette!

But toward the end of the summer, the Norwegian socks quit flying. The fall-off in crowd-love of me and my spoken Norwegian was palpable and troubling.

I assume this is the point in the story where your accent had improved enough that the Norwegians could actually understand what you were saying, and began to replace the flying socks with shoes.

I remember my disdain, even contempt, for my fellow Americans who never went beyond five or six words of Norwegian. When they greeted me on campus in Norwegian, I’d answer them in English. I didn’t want to “play” with them. They weren’t in my league.

It’s the same with Obama, who stubbornly refuses to provide a Norwegian translation of his birth certificate.

Writers like Dorothy Rabinowitz are capable of writing toweringly brilliant essays that stagger the reader.

It’s either brilliance, or the way her essays rabbit-punch her readers in the kidneys.

We (the hordes) embarrass them (the Dorothys)!

The Heathers also hate you, but The Donnas are lukewarm.

As a lifelong and well-briefed anti-Communist, I recall viewing the John Birchers as a “demented fringe.” Whether Birchers or Birthers, don’t forget the sociology that became apparent in the lifeboats of the Titanic where, according to the famous song, “The rich refused to associate with the poor.”

Certain Johnny-Come-Lately, crappily-briefed anti-Communists may carp, “What the hell does that mean?” but personally, I can’t think of a more apt metaphor for Barry’s writing than the Titanic.

Speaking for my little corner of the “demented fringe,” I would welcome being smashed into silence by the appearance of a real Barack Obama birth certificate.

Because Mistress Dominique has raised her rates again, and this would be kind of a freebie.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go put a raw steak on my eye. Yeah, sure, I’ll have a shiner in the morning, but I’ll bet you The House of Mirth knows it’s been in a fight!

Ain’t Gonna Work on Boone’s Farm No More

Posted by scott on June 15th, 2010

Before we get tangled up in Boone, I’d like to thank everyone who’s contributed to the World O’ Crap Beg-A-Thon (whole sad story here). Both Mary and I have been extremely touched by the generosity of our fellow Crappers, and made to experience an unusual sense of validation. But only one of us managed to maintain her dignity and not get all misty-eyed and choked up about it. But I don’t want to name names.

The pledge break will run til Saturday (so I should also thank you for your patience), at which point it will climax with a New and Improved Beast Blogging Spectacular. I wish I had some more tangible way to express my gratitude — a tote bag, or the entire Peter Davison “Fifth Doctor” Collection on VHS — but I’m hearing rumors that sometime during the week there may be an appearance by a Special Guest Star.

In the meantime, however…we’ve got Pat Boone.

Divine Help Is Needed for Today’s Problems

My long-cherished friend, Ronald Reagan, during his second term as president of the United States, made this solemn observation: “There are no human solutions to the world’s problems now; there are only divine solutions.”

To which God repled, “There you go again.”

Chew on that a few minutes.

The unmistakable mark of a winning argument is that it reminds you of cud.

In just the last few years, and indeed in the last few months, problems and crises are erupting around the world that do defy human solutions.

Pat has a point. Lately it seems as though there are no man-made solutions to the many problems we face today, even when those problems are themselves man-made. For instance:


What could any government or private organization possibly do to prevent a red carpet nip-slip from a geriatric fame whore? Sure, engineers could apply a leather vest to his naked torso in an effort to prevent the escape of elderly man-teats (a technique experts call “Topless Kill”), but it only takes one glimpse of a wizened areola to turn TMZ or Wonkette into a Jonestown-like abbatoir.

pat boone junk.jpg

What can mere mortals do when confronted with a stubbornly nude Pat Boone? Again, engineers could fabricate and deliver a banana hammock (a technique known as “Junk Shot”) but science and technology remain powerless to efface an image so harrowing that it becomes embossed on your memory in scar tissue. Though man-made, it is a problem which is simply beyond the scope of primate ingenuity.

What can mere mortals do about the a rash of cataclysmic earthquakes? Or tornados that sweep in violently from nowhere?

In Pat’s day, tornados entered discreetly through the tradesman’s entrance.

Or hurricanes, even when the weather forecasters warn us they’re coming?

Perhaps mortals could heed the weather forecasters’ warnings, and maybe call on some sort of federal group skilled in managing emergencies, which could anticipate problems, marshal resources, and coordinate a response. But Pat’s probably right that cultivating a sense of learned helplessness would be less insulting to God.

As the Chicken Little of our day, Al Gore, wins a Nobel Prize for proclaiming “The sky is melting! The sky is melting!” to all who will listen, we learn that a growing majority of knowledgeable scientists disagree with him, and also that some of the major “experts” on global warming have been “cooking the books.”

Along with earthquakes and storms, another problem which seems immune to human effort is stemming the flow of right wing bullshit.

And even the most serious believers in eminent meltdown, like the folks at Kyoto and Copenhagen, agree that if we earthlings did everything in our power to curb all carbon emissions for the next 20 years, the combined efforts would only result in less than one degree of change!

This is similar to a problem faced by paramedics who come upon a shooting victim. Yes, it’s possible they can slow or stop the bleeding, stabilize the victim’s vital signs and transport him to a trauma center, but eventual he’s just gonna get old and die.

So what’s the point? Humans really can’t do anything about it . . . but pray, perhaps.

As the unimaginable gusher pours billions in precious oil into the Gulf waters, not only wasting precious fuel but murdering sea life and the ecological balance of our southern and eastern sea coasts

Yes, the spill is decimating wildlife, but the important thing is to find some way of gathering up the oil so that Pat can take it to Mordor.

…nobody from the president on down or the panicked brass at British Petroleum has been able to stop it. Try as they all will, it seems to be out of human hands.

Maybe we should find someone with inhuman hands, like the Creature From the Black Lagoon. Sure, it may sound like a crazy plan — but he’s the only hope we have left!


And it’s so crazy that it Just. Might. Work!


Unfortunately, he was poisoned by dispersants.

It’s Like Mailer Versus Vidal, Only Stupid

Posted by scott on June 4th, 2010

align=Let’s say you recently found yourself at a fancy cocktail or dinner party (and being a leftist, you almost certainly have; in fact, you’re probably at one right now, hogging the crab puffs) and you were ambushed by your hostess, who introduced you to the gentleman you see on the left: Robert Ringer, author of a bestselling back in the 1970s. How would you cope with the situation?

Would you:

A.) Smile broadly and pump his hand, telling him you’re honored to make his acquaintance, thereby gaining his favor.

B.) Smile wanly and ask him if he’s heard the Good News about Crest Whitening Strips, thereby earning his gratitude.

C.) Get his scrawny neck in a headlock and repeatedly dunk him face first in the toilet, thereby winning through intimidation.

The answer, of course, is D.) You would respond in time-honored Emily Post fashion by spouting Marxist dogma, only to discover — too late! — that the elderly gentleman is actually a columnist for the hard-hitting online newspaper WorldNetDaily, when he eviscerates your blithering doctrine with a factual, but devastatingly witty rejoinder, leaving you both shamed and silenced. Then, blinded by tears, you would throw a tantrum in the butler’s pantry, knocking jars and canned goods from the shelves, before at last squatting on the piano like an ape and swigging from a bottle of Log Cabin syrup.

Which raises the question: how many times does this have to happen to you before you just stop going to these liberal dinner parties?

Perhaps Mr. Ringer’s cautionary tale will help you recognize and amend your embarrassing behavior…

The gap between the rich and the poor

The main reason I’m against giving handouts to countries like Greece is that it sends the wrong message. We should not lie to Europe’s socialist misfits about capitalism. The greatest gift we can offer is to help them understand that freedom is not about security or equality; it’s about insecurity and inequality.

Which is why libertarians, despite their disdain for the Civil Rights Act of 1964, oppose slavery. Yes, it’s got the inequality a free society needs, but there’s just too much job security.

We should also teach them that those who think otherwise are responsible for our $12 trillion national debt and a federal budget deficit that is projected to be in the area of $2 trillion as far as the eye can see. Economic security is not a right, but it sure is a formula for disaster.

It’s been conclusively proven that people buy more consumer electronics when they’re worried about where their next meal is coming from. That may seem counterintuitive, but you can’t argue with the Dismal Science, or its Dismal Scientists.

Unfortunately, progressives right here in our own country do not seem to understand this. This is especially true of so-called limousine liberals. I was reminded of this a couple of weeks ago when a casual acquaintance invited me to a social gathering at his home. After being assured that no members of the Weather Underground, the Communist Party USA, or the White House would be in attendance, I agreed to drop by.

Every hostess knows that a good cocktail party needs quips, so ensure the success of your affair by inviting acerbic and conservative wit Robert Ringer, if Oscar Levant, or Oscar Levant’s corpse, is not available.

I tend to be a target at limousine-liberal gatherings, and, sure enough, a middle-aged gentleman of means came up to me and, from out of the blue, blurted, “Capitalism is the most evil system ever invented.”

Like many famous raconteurs, Robert remembers the old rule, “it’s funny because it’s true!” He just can’t seem to use it in a sentence.

Displaying my finest George Will deadpan expression, I asked how an intelligent, successful gentleman like him had managed to arrive at such a fascinating conclusion. To which he groused, “Under capitalism, the poor are exploited by the rich.” Yikes – it was the ghost of Vladimir Lenin!

I would have prefered the Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, but I’ll take my Communist shibboleths wherever I can get ‘em.

Masochist that I am, I asked him to define the terms “rich” and “poor” for me, but he simply waived aside my question as though it were frivolous.

Ah, the old How Can You Be Poor When You Have a Zune stratagem! No limousine-liberal can withstand it!

My acquaintance’s wife then intervened and admonished us that political discussions were forbidden in her house, thus preventing a Sunday afternoon homicide.

If Mr. Ringer had a nickle for every time he’s been murdered by middle aged limousine-liberals, he wouldn’t have to take Zombie Oscar Levant’s sloppy seconds.

Darn. I didn’t even get a chance to see the expression on his face had I been able to lay this one on him: The gap between the rich and the poor is supposed to increase under capitalism! It’s built into the system.

No need for frustration! Sure, the human face is capable of making hundreds of subtle expressions, but only a few would be appropriate to Mr. Ringer’s statement, and I’m guessing in this case the other gentleman would have gone with #18 (“What’s That Smell?”), #133 (“I’d Like to Hit You in The Face With A Trout”), or #276 (“I Think I’m Sitting In Something Wet”).

But also built into the system is the fact that almost everyone is better off under capitalism. Why? Because trickle-down economics really does work.

Let’s say the Rich are a human being, and the Poor are a plant. The rain falls equally on the Rich and the Poor, unless the Rich hires someone to builds eaves with a gutter system that diverts rainwater into a barrel. Now, the Rich could share the accumulated water, ladling out some for himself and some for the plant. Or, in a perfect capitalist system, he could drink all the water he’s diverted, then urinate on the Poor, thus giving them the benefits of an irrigation source that is fortified with life-giving nitrogen, much as the money that trickles down to the Poor in real life is enhanced with the wealth-creating wisdom of the oligarchs through whom it’s processed.

The U.S. government’s own Census Bureau’s statistics confirm this truth. Average-income figures clearly show that during the Reagan years, almost everyone’s income rose significantly, while during the Carter years, most people got poorer.

Oh man, Bob, wouldn’t it have been great to see his expression when you busted out that statistic? He might have responded that it’s not true, but still — I bet he would’ve made a funny face.

In the Reagan years, what was in play was the so-called invisible hand of the marketplace. When people realize they can reap financial rewards by providing better goods and services to others, they work harder and longer hours to do so. As a result, the economy prospers and everyone is better off.

And when CEOs realize they can reap increased bonuses by cutting staff, quality control, customer service, and off-shoring their whole operation to Viet Nam, then they will golf longer and harder.

On the other hand, the more government interferes with this natural process, the worse off everyone is. How far mankind has advanced is not a reflection of his true potential; it is his true potential minus government interference.

The Roman Empire was great until they started building all those damn roads.

Those who believe that a strong central government is needed to manage a nation’s economy simply do not understand the awesome power of the invisible hand of the marketplace.

Governments can fail. Individuals can fail. But if you eliminate regulations, then the invisible hand will build financial institutions that are literally too big to fail. Let’s see the Fed do something that awesome.

Which takes me back to the growing disparity between the rich and the poor (setting aside, for now, the important question of who has the omniscience and moral authority to decide who should be slotted into these two categories in the first place).

Income isn’t something you can quantify, like Beauty, or Love.

Please, let’s set aside childish notions. Of course the gap between the rich and the poor will always increase under capitalism. But that, of and by itself, does not harm anyone. The only problem is the one caused by envious progressive thinkers who have unilaterally decided that such a gap isn’t “fair.” Which, of course, is merely their subjective opinion.

A rising tide lifts all boats. Of course, if the Rich have bought up all the boats, then the rest of you are kind of screwed, because unfortunately, the Invisible Hand doesn’t know how to perform CPR.

p>If we are to return to the roots of our once-cherished freedom, progressive subjectivism must be defeated.

Mr. Ringer, in case you hadn’t noticed, is “[a] devoted admirer of Ayn Rand.”

Go-along-to-get-along conservatives must come to grips with the reality that compromise does not work. The reason for this is that it encourages a lie, and everyone knows that lies don’t work.


For instance, this column seems to be falling apart like those Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I Denounce Hitler For Calling “Dibs!”

Posted by scott on May 19th, 2010


For those who don’t know (and I certainly didn’t) “Barry Farber,” according to his author’s biography at World Net Daily, “is a pioneer in talk radio.” He’s also really, really old, and his writing is delightfully weird and frequently incoherent, so I can only guess that his extemporizing on the radio for hours at a time is a bit like listening to Lewis Carroll free-associate after taking the brown acid.

Mr. Farber, like many people, is a bit peeved at Adolf Hitler, but not for the same tired old reasons — warmongering, mass murder. Mostly he seems irked that the Führer’s bumbling has somehow made common sense fascism unfashionable.

Blame Hitler!

Do you know the origin of the handshake? It was to show the other person you weren’t holding a weapon. Forget that. It’s unimportant. You don’t need it.

Okay. What the hell did you bring it up for?

Do you know why so many otherwise reasonable people think Arizona is absolutely awful for its new immigration law? This is very important. America needs it big time.

But forget it. Who cares? You don’t need to know that!

Just as President Obama dumps a lot of blame on George W. Bush, I blame the late Adolf Hitler for the rather serious perversion that it’s racist to enforce this law.

So…Obama is right to blame George W. Bush? Or are you admitting that you’re given Hitler a bum rap?

Even those who have no memory of World War II, and never saw Peter Lorre in a movie, still hold a soul-memory of a jackbooted bad guy looming up before a terrified innocent refugee and demanding, “Vere are your papers?”

Well, Peter Lorre specialized in playing notably shady characters (including the murdering black marketeer in Casablanca and the child killer in M) rather than “terrified innocent refugee[s]“, so I guess he must have been the “jackbooted bad guy” in more World War II films than I thought (they say when you get older, your soul-memory is the first to go). I imagine it’s hard to loom when you’re 5′-5″, but Lorre was a consummate actor, and came across on camera as 6′-2″ and nordic.

Even though your typical Arizona cop is no Nazi, and an alien, if illegal, is no innocent refugee, the mindset of a civilized people recoils from the whole scene. We should congratulate ourselves for our instinct, and then get over it.

“I’ve concluded that you’re a kind, decent human being with a great deal of empathy, and I’d like you to stop it.”

Apparently, an ounce of instinct is worth a pound of rational thought. No, an ounce of instinct outweighs a ton of rational thought. How dare we let an idea as intrinsically worthy as identification papers lose out to folk-disgust based on comparisons barely excusable in an 8-year-old?

Is folk-disgust caused by disgusting folks? Because I’m feeling a little queasy all of a sudden. Know any good folk remedies?

I rejoice in the spectacle of not bad humans, but bad ideas crumbling and falling when hit by silver bullets of intellect.

According to Barry’s bio, “He speaks dozens of languages fluently.” None of them English, apparently.

There was such a moment on CNN in mid-May when the irrepressible James Carville got repressed, but good, by radio talk host and former Reagan Cabinet member Bill Bennett on this very issue. The question was, “Is it really important to round up and deport illegal aliens?” Carville offered forth the good old party line about most illegals doing nothing in America but working hard and trying to make a decent life for themselves and their families. Bennett quietly invited Carville to talk to police chiefs across the state of Arizona and ask them what kind of problems, if any, the illegals presented. “No,” Bennett concluded. “To say illegal aliens aren’t a dire threat to America is stupid.”

That’s some high quality repression.

So, you who view life from the campus, the pulpit, the union hall and the Oval Office reject the notion of American law enforcement asking likely suspects to show their ID in 2010 because uniformed Nazis did that same thing to suspected Jews and others in the 1930s and 1940s.

Not really, although the groups you mentioned — students, clergymen, trade unionists — were all persecuted by the Nazis, in a totally bizarre coincidence that we should be careful not to learn anything from. The Oval Office, on the other hand, was never sent to a concentration camp, but since the current occupant is black, the Germans probably would have made an exception.

How smart is that? The respect I’d accumulated for Mikhail Gorbachev for being such a failure as a Communist dictator was washed away when he taunted Americans for talking about building a fence along the Mexican border. He chided Americans on how distasteful we found the old Soviet Iron Curtain. A lot of Americans fell for that taunt despite its glaring, screaming infirmity. “Fences! Don’t you see? Bad!”

But I rejoice in the spectacle of not bad fences!

The eye-rollingly hypocritical Gorbachev knew most of us would be too dumb to harpoon that charge with the elementary observation that the Iron Curtain was designed to keep Communist subjects in; whereas the purpose of a Mexican border fence would be to keep unauthorized people out.

Why are we bothering to harpoon these observations? If we were smart, we’d shoot them with silver bullets of intellect, just in case they turned out to be were-observations.

I even blame Hitler for our drug problem.


If there’d never been a Nazi era and drug addiction had advanced to where we were, say, in the late 1950s, I believe members of Congress would have proposed we concentrate the addicts apart from the population to keep them from recruiting more addicts in order to support their habits. We could concentrate them together in camps. Maybe we could call them “concentration camps.”

Our society could have benefited greatly from Nazi methods of social control, if only they hadn’t been discredited by association with the Nazis. Still, the networks are rebooting all those old TV shows — V, The Rockford Files, Hawaii 5-0 — why not the Third Reich? (Although Arizona is running the risk that Hitler might sue them for theft of intellectual property. Look what Apple did to Jason Chen, and that was just over a phone.)

And those proposals would have come from liberals.

Ah, speaking of plagiarism, Jonah Goldberg would like his Liberal Fascism back.

The conservatives would have said, “Let’s try something else. Camps cost too much money.”

There’s got to be a way to monetize genocide. Maybe instead of “Final Solution,” we could call it “Planned Obsolescence.”

The notion of concentrating people together in camps is not likely in any decent country until history pushes “reset” and starts all over again. And if you think these notions of Hitler still exerting this kind of historical paralysis on our policy-making are frivolous, ask any scientist whatever happened, after the surrender of Nazi Germany, to the science of eugenics, improving the breed among humans. Don’t even bring it up. That’s what Hitler did.

According to his bio, “Farber is also an accomplished author, whose books include “Making People Talk” (presumably under duress).

Finally, there’s something racist about opposing the Arizona law. How dare you assume those likely to be in violation belong to any particular race?

Truly, it makes no sense, when the law clearly states that jackbooted Peter Lorres will be saying “vere are your papers” to everyone — red, yellow, black and white! It’ll be like the opening theme to Kid Power!

Be thankful bad ideas, and oil leaks, eventually end. So far there’s been no organized protest against stopping at red lights and going on green.

Driving while brown, however…

I mean, good God, man; don’t you realize that’s what they did in Nazi Germany?

I’m sure there’s a difference between “talk radio pioneer” and “80-year old guy in the rest home dining hall who insists Khrushchev stole his fruit cup,” but I admit, it’s too subtle for me.

Whining Through Intimidation

Posted by scott on May 8th, 2010

I’m now two days into some sort of Iditarod-style endurance headache, and since I can’t possibly feel any worse, I might as well take this opportunity to poke around World Net Daily…

You may remember Robert Ringer from his classic study of douchality, Winning Through Intimidation, or you may recall him as as the cheerful bigot who likes to befriend radicals when they’re dead and can no longer defend themselves.


Today, Sanity’s Voice is back to whisper in your ear about how God created communism before Adam and Eve, and that’s why the Flintstones were cannibals.

The last communist

I recall when I was a teenager asking the question, in a civics class, “What’s to stop the president or Congress from ignoring the Constitution and doing whatever they please?” Predictably, the class laughed and the teacher patronizingly explained to me that our system of “checks and balances” made such a scenario impossible. I clearly remember that I was totally unconvinced by his dismissive answer.

Segue to 2010, and, by golly, we have a president and a Congress that ignores the Constitution and does whatever they please! Darn it – where’s your high-school civics teacher when you need him most?

In the event of fascist coup by a sitting President, America’s high school government and civics teachers are expected to form the backbone of the Resistance by raiding police stations and National Guard armories before melting away into the woods and mountains, leaving nothing behind but the fading cry of “Wolverines!” and the great smell of Brut.

“They may take our lunch money…but they will never take…our freedom!


“Be honest — am I wearing too much blue eye shadow?”

How can this be happening in America?

I guess it depends what you mean by “this,” since, broadly speaking, this goes on all the time in American. Well, this and that. Grab some of those and let’s figure it out.

Let’s back up a few steps and get some background on the matter. For years, the clueless media loved to refer to Fidel Castro as “the last communist.” This perplexed me no end, because history has made it clear that communism has always existed and will continue to exist until “life after people.”

Physicists theorize that in the first moments following the Big Bang, the universe consisted primarily of a quark-gluon plasma, with a scattering of other elementary particles such as leptons, gauge bosons, and communists.

A belief in communism is an envy-based flaw that is programmed into the human psyche.

…and often leads to genocide, or at least the Blue Screen of Death. I recommend downloading the patch.

Fortunately, through education, logic and a sound moral structure, a majority of people in modern, civilized societies are able to overcome the serpent-like temptation of “to each according to his need.”

St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland mostly because they were really into social justice, and it was making Glenn Beck uncomfortable.

But early man had no formal education and, one would assume, had no time to reflect on philosophical issues. The evidence suggests that savages lived communal lives where the individual was sacrificed to the “collective good.” Often, this even resulted in cannibalism. Satisfying one’s appetite by munching on a fellow tribe member’s arm must have seemed quite natural to men who, like animals, spent most of their time hunting for food.

We may have backed up more than “a few steps” here. Nevertheless, there is a clear through line from the barbarism of Cro-Magnon anthropophagy to the dangers of health insurance reform.

With the advent of the Agrarian Revolution in the Neolithic Age, however, civilization advanced, and the individual gradually gained in importance.

In this era, mankind produced such significant developments as projectile weapons, domesticated animals, and semi-permament settlements. Cannibals still existed, but were now called “libertarians.”

The culmination of this evolution was the great American experiment that began with the Declaration of Independence and ended with victory in the American Revolutionary War.

At last, in 1783, our struggle against Czar George III and his flesh-eating troglodytes came to an end.

Nevertheless, communism has never been eradicated, because there are always plenty of people who cannot repress their envy. Thus, throughout the 20th century, communism reared its ugly head in such disparate places such as Russia, North Korea, North Vietnam and Mozambique. And now, in the 21st century, it’s bringing down Venezuela, with the U.S clearly the next big target of those who yearn for “social justice.”

Like the Vatican. Those Reds have been living off the labor of others for two thousand years now. Castro will be “the last communist” only if he manages to outlive Pope Benedict.

Even so, after the fall of the Soviet Union and the Berlin Wall, communism became kind of passé. As the economies of Western countries boomed, many of those who were most susceptible to the allure of the communist fantasy of wealth without work

Quit sitting around in your housecoat all day and get a job!


(On a side note, I had this exact same cowboy hat when I was six.)

became distracted by the good life handed to them by their thriving semi-capitalistic systems.

So what, exactly, is communism?

Apparently it’s a semi-capitalistic system that lets you thrive and live the good life. Let’s destroy it.

Communism is technically defined as “a theory advocating elimination of private property; a system in which goods are owned in common and are available to all as needed; a totalitarian system in which a single authoritarian party controls state‑owned means of production with the professed aim of establishing a stateless society.” Swell.

You shouldn’t read the dictionary, Bob, it always depresses you. Here, you can borrow my copy of The Lovely Bones — despite the title, it’s largely cannibalism-free.

But what about socialism? Well, if you look it up, you’ll find that the only significant difference between the definitions of socialism and communism is that socialism is referred to as “a transitional stage of society between capitalism and communism.” Which means, according to Newsweek (“We Are All Socialists Now”), that the U.S. must be on its way to communism.

And yet it’s Newsweek that’s headed for the ash heap of history. Oh, irony, you tickle my despair bone.

But many countries, particularly in Europe, try to stop at socialism and not finish the journey to pure communism.

Historically, this is no more feasible than eating only some of the Früsen Glädje.

So, is Chairman Obama a communist or a mere socialist? No one can say with certainty what’s in his heart, but my own feeling is that he would quite enjoy establishing a totalitarian government where the state owns all means of production with the aim of establishing a stateless society.

So, is Mr. Ringer a mesolithic bigot driven to outlandish fantasies of persecution by Merriam-Webster and Fear of a Black White House, or merely a sociopathic douche-flume? No man can say.

I believe that one of the mistakes well-meaning but naïve folks unwittingly make is buying into “the last communist” myth, which causes them to become lax.

Robert fell into that same trap himself once, but has since repented, and is now ex-lax.

Which means that even if true libertarian-centered conservatives were to take control of both houses of Congress and the White House, eternal vigilance would be required to stave off the misguided (evil?) people who cling to their Little Red Books and guns.

I admit, I’m getting a little sick of all these doctrinaire Marxists at gun shows.

Remember, these are the individuals who get their inspiration from M.M.M. (Mass Murderer Mao)

(Nowadays he goes by his hip hop name, 3M.)

and the barrel of a gun as the final arbiter is ingrained in their twisted minds.

It’s hard to believe Robert used to write books, and now he just gives this stuff away. But then, “from each according to his inabililty, to each according to his need for schadenfreude and unintentional comedy.”

Don’t allow your logic to get sidetracked by oil spills, union-inspired riots in Arizona, or BHO’s wisecracks at elegant media functions about his birth certificate and his socialist policies. What is happening in Washington is not just another little shift to the left. It’s a prelude to the coming insurrection.

According to the dictionary (hey, this is great! I think I’ll subcontract all my posts to the OED), insurrection is defined as “an act or instance of rising in revolt, rebellion, or resistance against civil authority or an established government.” So someone should probably tell the President he’s doin’ it wrong.

If you don’t believe me, by all means feel free to join the walking dead and cheer on BHO and his comrades as they continue with their plan to nationalize whole industries and collapse the U.S. economy through deficit spending.

Coincidentally, Zombie Cheerleaders is the title of the new horror film I’m writing. Timely!

Make no mistake about it: Criminal government in Washington is on a roll and moving forward at full throttle – and its momentum can be stopped only by a defiant and vigilant populace, a populace that clearly understands there is no last communist.

Our only hope is to bring some cannibals in for an All You Can Eat communist buffet.

Delightful, Delovely, DiCintio

Posted by scott on May 1st, 2010

CoachDiCintio.jpgYou may remember A.J. DiCintio, the former, uh — I’m gonna say Gym Coach? Who occasionally pitched in with Health class, or Drivers Ed.? — who has become a prolific and prolix pundit, and who boasts one of my favorite author bios at Renew America: “A.J. DiCintio is a Featured Writer for The New Media Journal. He first exercised his polemical skills arguing with friends on the street corners of the working class neighborhood where he grew up. Retired from teaching, he now applies those skills, somewhat honed and polished by experience, to social/political affairs.”

Let’s take a quick peek at his latest column, and see how a youth spent polemicizin’ on the mean streets of Wallington, New Jersey, and a mid-life spent calling 8th grade boys “ladies” when they lollygag around the track has sharpened his literary saw:

Americans who identify themselves as Tea Party members and, by implication, those who agree with Tea Party positions regarding the desperate need for a vastly more responsible and efficient Federal Government have become the object of filthy attacks fulminated by Democratic politicians and other liberals, all of whom deserve to have their dirty mouths washed out.

Yes, they deserve that good scrubbing, but given the realities of human nature, it can never be done, not by a merely-human being nor even a demigod such as Hercules, who was able to wash the filth out of the Augean Stables by diverting a river but couldn’t cleanse the excremental mouths just mentioned if he possessed the power to summon up a tsunami raging with every last drop of water from every one of Earth’s oceans.

Many, lesser, wingnuts have whined about the appellation “teabaggers” and its association with a particular (and, they insist, uniquely gay) sex act. But only Coach DiCintio has spent sufficient time rubbing a whetstone on his rhetoric that he can pull off the feat of deploying Hercules, with his mighty arms and brawny, glistening thews, as a corrective to queer imagery. (Although, now that I think about it, “polishing” your “polemic” does sound pretty homoerotic, especially coming from a man who admits spending his downy-cheeked youth standing on street corners. But then, according to quantum mechanics there’s no reason that razor sharp and dazzlingly shined polemical skills cannot simultaneously exist in a state in which they are both honed and homo.)

Ultimately, the demonizing of the Tea Party serves the purpose of advancing a virulently anti-Jeffersonian political ideology that traces its history to the ideas of Marx and other 19th century “philosophers.”

One need only recall Marx’s famous paraphrase of Jefferson, “the Scrotum of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time by the Tongues of Patriots.”

That ideology, therefore, looks upon the nation’s population not in the light of the Constitution’s “We the People” but in the darkness of a vision that perceives only social, economic, ethnic, and racial constituencies which need to be manipulated in ways that lead to centralized rule by a “scientific” leftist elite who deem themselves (pun intended) moral, intellectual, and cultural giants.

I guess I missed the pun. Is “deeming” yourself another one of those secret homo sex techniques? (Now I wish I hadn’t cut the Coach’s Health class; I bet the lectures were hot. Incomprehensible, but hot.)

Although we cannot ever clean up liberal mouths by washing them out, we can wash liberals — mouths and all — out of power.

Wasn’t this a Mary Martin number in South Pacific?

To accomplish the task, we conservatives must, as stated above, calmly and objectively get the truth out about the arrogant, power-loving, filthy-mouthed nature of liberalism, a labor for which the Obama administration and its allies have provided us with a multitude of powerfully frightening examples.

Wait — the Obama Administration has been laboring to get the truth out about liberal potty mouths? That is powerfully frightening! Now I don’t know who to trust! Everything I thought I knew is a lie! Where’s Hercules? I need to be gently, but firmly held by a grotesquely muscular man in a miniskirt. Or at least given a good scrubbing.

But all the talk need not come from us; for we must scrupulously allow the sanctimonious hypocrites of the nation’s left to smear themselves with the filth of their own bombs, a tactic that requires giving them every bit of publicity they deserve.

Tragedy was averted today when a deadly device worn by a suicide filth bomber smeared prematurely. A police detective who examined the dead hypocrite said the bomb appeared to have been “particularly sanctimonious,” and if it had detonated as planned, “everyone within ten yard radius would’ve been totally deemed.”

First, I would like to thank Dr. BDH, Inconstant Reader, Heydave, and KWillow for the very kind encomiums to . Your words gave Sheri and I a frankly immodest little boost today when we were on the phone, working out the sequel, and we’re sincerely grateful to everyone who bought the book; your support has meant more than we can say without three or four gimlets, and then we’d probably just say, “I love you, man,” and puke in your laundry hamper.

However, our genuine and deep fondness and appreciation doesn’t mean that I’m not going to subject you to a WorldNetDaily column by Pat Boone.


Political autism

Autism is a tragic malady.

“Now watch me exploit the hell out of it…”

Popular actress Jenny McCarthy

Well, that’s a unique way of describing her. But then, I would expect nothing less from Pat, who is also credited with coining the phrase, “ladies man Dick Morris.”

has just released a book about her previously autistic son – and the amazing progress she’s had in bringing him out of the fog and separation of his malady through controlling his diet.

Proving that autism is just a lifestyle choice, and giving hope that millions of homosexuals may be brought out of sin through the judicial application of persimmons.

Having come to the conclusion that he’d been adversely affected as a baby by some of the normal immunization shots, she put him on a new and stringent organic health diet – which she credits for his being now perfectly normal!

Sadly, Mom didn’t follow the diet herself, and is still a credulous nitwit. Thanks, Carl’s Jr.!

The book is gripping and hopeful, and may point the way to real breakthroughs in treating this awful imprisonment named autism. My daughters and I congratulate Jenny and thank God for her son’s new life.

“And for the opportunity to use it against my enemies.”

My point here? I see striking parallels in our current political scene, today.

We don’t need health care reform. What we need is for uninsured cancer patients to start slathering radish seed butter on their wheat germ flapjacks.

Whatever the cause (and I think I’ve diagnosed it)

“I believe the President and Congressional Democrats are suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in their stomachs.”

many of our elected leaders in Congress are behaving as if they’ve contracted a kind of “political autism.” They seem strangely divorced from reality, out of touch with the people who elected them, unable to think rationally.

They can’t even seem to conclude, from the obvious facts in evidence, that Barney Frank is a “faggot.”

They’ve collectively abandoned common sense and embarked on some wildly unreasonable courses, seemingly oblivious to the protests and outcries of a majority of American citizens, the very people whom they swore to represent and whose security and well-being they pledged to protect.

I blame the lavish health insurance enjoyed by House and Senate members, which undoubtedly covers immunizations.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi increasingly resembles one of the “Stepford wives” from the wildly popular science-fiction film some years ago. The film depicted the strongly hypnotic derangement and reprogramming of a group of ordinary American wives, who seem outwardly normal but move like robots controlled by a sinister force.

Actually, they moved normally, but acted like soulless robots, possibly because they were robots. Anyway, aside from his apparent gift for deep focus film criticism, Pat has an unerring instinct for the apt metaphor, because really, who more closely resembles a preternaturally docile and mindlessly obedient housewife than the first female Speaker of the House, and the highest ranking woman in the nation’s history? Nice apron, Nance. Is the Beaver home?

In a recent turn – with a wide-eyed, spooky stare and a mechanical, unnatural smile – she’s been cooing, “Just help us pass this bill, and we’ll all find out what’s in it!” Yes, she said that exactly

As you may remember, Pat has an interesting approach to quotations: it’s a sin to bear false witness, but if you deliberately misquote someone, it’s not a lie if your version of the quote is better. And the best part is, there’s no statute of limitations. You can can completely rewrite something a political opponent said less than two weeks ago, or put devastating put-downs and come-backs in your own mouth, thereby retroactively pwning someone who bested you in a Crossfire appearance eight years ago. So when he writes, “Yes, she said that exactly,” even though, at the time she said it, she didn’t, she really did, if we remember that the Nancy Pelosi in Pat’s column is just as real as the real Nancy Pelosi, because the real Nancy Pelosi is a robot! It’s sort of like what Pat did to rhythm and blues back in the Fifties — it’s a cover version of the truth, which makes it easier to sell to the white folks.

…and it’s almost as if she’s admonishing in a maternal way, “Children, just drink this Kool-Aid, and you’ll find out eventually what’s in it – it’s good for you.”

Although, if you misquote someone, and then do a reductio ad absurdum, “in other words,” version of the quote you made up for them, you’re kind of a douche bladder.

She and her cohorts are ladling out a strange “progressive” brew

And available on their new album, Disraeli Gears. $6.95 for records, $7.95 for 8-track or tapes.

concocted by Dr. O, whom they treat as a medicine man with fantastic powers,


In the original version of this column, Pat called Obama a “witch doctor,” but had a pang of conscience and later reworded the passage so as not to offend Dave Seville.

And this on top of $2 trillion already added to the tax burden in the first year of Dr. O’s presidency. Worse than autism … it’s insanity!

Coincidentally, that was Pat’s catch phrase when he was briefly the spokesman for Crazy Eddie discount electronics stores.

Friend, fellow citizen,

Oh, I wouldn’t go that far.

we’ve got to act, to exercise our constitutional authority and create a massive “intervention,” to get help for these deluded, hypnotized representatives and to replace them with sane and reasoned leaders – while we can.


And I think we know just where to look…

Repeatedly telling our representatives what their names mean – that they represent us – doesn’t appear to be working.

And beginning each argument with “according to Websters,” is also, inexplicably, failing to work, even when we use the super snotty voice.

What these “autistic politicians,” these addled and deluded congressmen, pile on our heads and those of future generations can be thrown off and reversed at the polls. Clearly, this is the only way out of the nightmare alley we’ve entered.

So, autism: It’s like being in a Tyrone Power movie with a pile of insane congressmen on your head. Thanks for the diagnosis, Dr. Boone.

Dennis Prager Wasn’t In The Army, But He Likes To Dress In Fatigues And Call Himself “Corporal Punishment”

Posted by scott on February 16th, 2010

Dennis Prager, scourge of name rape and inventor of the pro-torture SAT has joined R. Emmett Tyrrell (who, now that I really look at the way he spells his name, is apparently a character from one of the Star Wars prequels) in seeing the decline and fall of Western Civilization in a snack food commercial.

The Doritos Ad Was Not Funny

By far, the most popular ad shown during the latest Super Bowl (trademarked name “Super Bowl” not used with the expressed written consent of the National Football League)…

Dude, you’re such a rebel.

…was the Doritos “House Rules” ad. Tens of millions of Americans saw it as hilarious.

…while Dennis saw it a sign of masculine decay, and sat grim and silent, like Death in a medieval woodcut, except with more bitchface.

That is unfortunate. Anyone aware of the manifold social pathologies the ad depicted did not find much to laugh about.

Because no matter how fervent our dreams, desires, or ambitions may be, the sad fact of the matter is, some of us simply can’t be a Pepper.

Here is the ad:

A man knocks on a door. A pretty woman answers it. He hands her flowers and she thanks him. He has presumably come to take her out on a date. She introduces her young son to the man and excuses herself. She walks back to her room. The camera focuses on her shapely legs, quite visible given that she is wearing a miniskirt. The man stares, indeed leers, at her legs and makes a facial gesture suggesting, shall we say, sexual interest. The boy, who appears to be about 5 years old, sees this and drops his toy. The man sits on the couch and helps himself to a Dorito. The boy walks up to the man, smacks him hard across the face and says, “Keep your hands off my mama. Keep your hands off my Doritos.”

If Doritos is going to base its new sales pitch around scenes of grown men being slapped in the face, then all I can say is, it’s a pity these commercials no longer involve Jay Leno.

Here are the major elements of dysfunction this ad depicts:

In the interest of full disclosure, I spent a good chunk of today in the Jury Assembly Room of the Superior Court, in and for the County of Los Angeles. In a moment, the results of that trial…

As a result, my back is killing me and I’ve got a blistering headache from caffeine withdrawal, so it’s possible I’m overreacting to what appears to be Dennis’ overreaction. Still, I can’t believe that we’re really so short of genuine social problems nowadays that scolds like Prager are reduced to psychoanalyzing corn chip copy.

First, a child smacking an adult across the face is not funny. It is, in fact, one of the last things society should tolerate.

Even though our country is bitterly fractured between left and right, we should rise as one to stamp out the menace of violent, fictitious tykes.

In real life, a child who hits an adult needs to be disciplined. If a child did that to me, I would grab his offending arm and apply enough force to make it clear that he will never do that again.

Say what you want about Dennis’ mental and emotional stability, at least his response to the ad was unique. While I doubt “tens of millions of Americans saw it as hilarious” (most probably found it mildly amusing, or a good excuse to pee), I’m fairly certain he was the only viewer who was inspired to plot revenge.

After I mentioned this on my radio show, some psychotherapists sent me e-mails disagreeing with these views. They noted, for example, that “violence breeds violence.”

Some cliches are true; I find this one meaningless. The truth is the opposite: Immoral violence breeds violence; moral violence (such as just wars, police work and appropriate parental discipline) reduces violence.

And yet, if you happen to be, say, attending a wedding in Iraq which is inadvertently reduced to a paste by U.S. cluster bombs, you’re probably not going to be especially soothed by the morality of the violence. Still, Dennis has a point; Lizzie Borden’s parents should have gone after her with a knitting needle while she was still in the womb, because sometimes preemptive war is the only way.

I am well aware that vast numbers of Americans (and Europeans) believe that engaging in any physical discipline of a child is wrong. I, too, held this belief for most of my life, and I never hit or spanked either of my sons. I have changed my mind because of all the fine people who have called my show or written to me about how they were spanked and now believe that they are better adults because of it. It is a given that I do not defend physical — or any other form of — abuse against a child. Of all the world’s evils, child abuse may rank as the greatest. But a properly administered spanking is not abuse

And it’s apparently killing you that you missed the chance to slap your kids around while they were still too small to fight back. By the way, I take it you’ve also changed your views on adolescent sexuality because of all the fine ephebophiliacs who’ve called in to your show.

The Doritos kid deserved a physical response from this man — as in pressure on the offending arm.

…as in, above the sleeve, so the contusions aren’t as obvious to his mother or the cops.


“Using the thumb and forefinger, begin by pinching the tender skin just above the elbow, and gradually increase the pain. You’ll find a diagram of the most excruciating pressure points on a child’s body in your hand-out…”

With regard to the argument that this man was not the boy’s parent — and the terrible fact that there is far too much hitting and abuse of children by stepfathers and boyfriends — I do not believe that only parents may physically respond to a child.

It Takes a Village to Beat a Child.

Teachers, for example, should be permitted to do so — I was physically dealt with by a number of teachers, and in every case, I deserved it.

I knew if I just read enough Dennis Prager columns, eventually he would write something accurate. This either demonstrates something about probability, or proves that he’s dictating his output to an infinite number of simian amanuenses.

I also did so as a camp counselor — to great effect.

“I dealt with this problem child named Jason Voorhees, and I think I really straightened him out.”

And so should the man whom the child in the ad smacked. In an ideal world, all adults raise all children in some way.

I’ll take care of picking them up from soccer practice, and you can be in charge of the morally violent arm-squeezing.

Those who argue that the boy was just defending his mom may well be right. But that only further reinforces the point of what a dysfunctional scene the ad was portraying: a leering man, a sexually provocatively dressed mother and sexually aware child who essentially serves as man of the house at the age of 5.

And try our Doritos Collisions® Pizza Cravers and Ranch.

Finally, people only find funny that which has some truth in it. Would this ad have worked as well if the characters depicted were all, let us say, Asian-American? Would it have been as effective if it portrayed whites acting this way?

Well, if the kid was Asian, it probably would have led to a better choreographed action sequence.

Tragically, it worked in part because the characters were African-American. The unimpressive sex-on-the-mind male, the sexually provocative single mother and the prematurely sexually aware and violent boy who is man of the house were familiar — either as an inaccurate white stereotype of much of urban black life, or as an accurate stereotype of much of urban black life.

Guess which Dennis believes. A bag of Doritos Flavor Shots Blazin’ Buffalo Rush to the first correct answer.