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Archive for the 'For No Good Reason' Category

Random Scenes of Holiday

Posted by scott on December 21st, 2010

Christmas is fast approaching, and as I’m not a Christian, I always like to solicit some expert advice on the True Meaning of the Day before I bake my cookies and trim my tree.  Usually I consult with Linus Van Pelt, but he’s in Branson performing his one man show, “Lights, Please” so this year I’m stuck with Matt C. Abbott.

You may remember Matt as the “Catholic columnist” for RenewAmerica whose columns largely consist of material written by other people — often emails from arch-conservative clerics who delight in feeding Matt table scraps of crazy, outraged but obscure laypersons, or citations from distinguished anti-semites.  He’s actually more of a conduit than a pundit, a sort of urethra for the golden wisdom that showers down upon us from the religious right.  But when on occasion Matt does write an original sentence, he makes the most of it, such as the opening to this week’s piece:

Sad to say, I’m afraid Congress has just infected our military with “spiritual AIDS,” if you will, by repealing DADT — much to the delight of the homosexualists in our midst.

Ordinarily I’d be tempted to respond to this sort of thing, but I dislike kicking a man when he’s down, and later in the column Matt confesses that he’s recently been diagnosed with a “moral hemorrhoid.”

But speaking of rectal decorations — or rectorations, as they now call them in the military — I’ve waded into the shit to take some recon photos of the War of Christmas.  And the first combat zone visited was the IMAX theater at Universal Studios.

However, judging by the landscape and architecture, it’s apparent that even after the War on Christmas turns hot, the holiday itself will survive in a futuristic, post-Apocalyptic environment from which the mutated remnants of humanity will emerge.

I also noticed that it’s helpful when the hectoring admonitions from Big Brother, and the warm, yet urgent suggestions that we pull up stakes and enjoy the good life in the Off-World Colonies is delivered by a floating, 15-foot high Tori Amos:

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go celebrate both the passage of DADT repeal and this happiest time of the year by spreading some Holiday Herpes.

Top Ten Google Searches: The Hunks With Junk Edition

Posted by scott on December 11th, 2010

It’s Saturday, and time for another attempt at a Q&A with our readers who arrive here via Google.  What’s the Internet a’buzz about this week?  Well, according to our search engine logs, it’s junk, junk, Christmas songs with impaired liver function, and more junk.  Class is now in session.  Please try to keep your mind off the babes…

1.  9 foot blue rusty gun: According to the bonus materials on the Avatar Blu-ray, this is a common euphemism for erectile dysfunction on Pandora.

2.  Which president said I cannot tell a lie in regards to cutting downa cherry tree: Apparently we’re hosting a field trip for students from Beck University today.  Where’s my spanking paddle and tricorner hat…?

3.  300 “porn version”: (WHISPERING)  The Password is… “redundant.”

4.  Robinhood is a douche: This is an updated 15th Century ballad which is frequently and lustily sung at Tea Party rallies.

5.  do men’s scrotum sag: If depends if it’s just received a telegram with bad news.

6.  on the christmas shoes heart with hepatitis b: I just don’t understand Country music.

7.  Man with a bag sagged scrotum: The last, cryptic words, etched in blood by Dr. Seuss.

8.  can a histrionic mother make her son impotent?: Apparently Governor Palin has been getting some bitter emails from Track.

9.  lady pee on the highest roller coaster in the world: While I can’t prove it, I suspect this is the same lady from the October 24, 2009 edition of the Top Ten, (nude lady sitting on elephant tAKING A CRAP), who has since “upped the stakes,” as they say in the screenwriting game, because kicks just keep getting harder to find.

10. i caught my son masterbating in my wetsuit: I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but it warms my heart to know that James Dobson still feels like he can come to us with his problems.

Open Source Snark Section.  You know what to do:

11.  are hermaphrodite allowed to have anal sex in islam?

12.  greta van susteren bikini

13.  square pegs dubbed khmer

14.  death by hip waders

15.  candiru porn (I blame this one on D.Sidhe.)

Top Ten Google Searches: The Third Reich Cosplay Edition

Posted by scott on October 16th, 2010

In which we attempt to answer the Google queries bringing the curious and the querulous to World O’ Crap.

I’m just going to warn you up front: our search strings seem to contain a bit more Hitler than usual this week, although we still have the Recommended Daily Allowance of boners, Batman, and gender confused cats.  Also, child-safe piranhas make their debut, thanks to D.Sidhe.

1.  take that hitler’s brain: Well this one is hard to answer, because a subtle difference in stress could completely change the meaning.  For instance, suppose Nazi doctor Josef Mengele made several clones of Hitler (as he did in The Boys From Brazil), but he only saved the brains (because as the movies have taught us, that’s what Nazis like to do.  My grandmother saved wrapping paper, Nazis save brains).  But then the Russians closed in on the Führerbunker, and he had to flee to South America, but he was limited to two carry-on items, otherwise the airline would charge him extra, and his briefcase was already filled with magazines, gum, pocket puzzles, and Sea & Ski, so he only had room to take one brain on the flight.  At some point he must have said to whichever lab assistant was doing his packing, “Take that Hitler’s brain.”

“This Hitler’s brain?”

That Hitler’s brain!”

Or it could be a sort of triumphant one-upmanship.  Suppose they saved Hitler’s and Stalin’s brain, and while the two of them were floating in bell jars, waiting to be transplanted into fresh young bodies, they did some World War II re-enacting to pass the time, like Ohio Republican Congressional candidate Rich Iott.  Except, being disembodied, they couldn’t wear the authentic SS and Red Army uniforms and run around in the woods firing blanks at each other, so they just played Battleship.  But then Stalin’s brain nailed Hitler’s brain’s carrier in four straight turns, and shouted, “Take that, Hitler’s brain!”

2.  Hitler’s daughter: This is from the “Looking For…” section of Rich Iott’s eHarmony profile.

3.  penis cigar: Fine Coronas, Panetelas, and Perfectos from Dutch Masturbators®.

4.  boned ollie: After Kukla, Fran and Ollie were unceremoniously dropped from the CBS Children’s Film Festival in 1977, Fran Allison had a short-lived cooking show on PBS, best remembered for the fifth and final episode in which she got blasted on Holland House kitchen sherry and showed the audience how to fillet a puppet.

5.  zardoz vortex penetration: Don’t try this with a slipped disc.  Take it from me.

6.  ur intelligence is my common sence: What is, “Sarah Palin’s most lucid epigram”?

7.  scrotum inflation: I remember when my mom would give me two bits and send me down to the A&P to pick up a couple scrotums, and I’d still have enough left over for a Jawbreaker and a pair of wax lips.

8.  wine bat signal: This is the piercing beam of light that Ann Althouse shines into the night sky to alert the Liquor Barn delivery guy that her box of Franzia has started to suck air.

9.  ”does that sound racist?”: Andrew Breitbart doing a sound-check before a Tea Party event.  ”No?  Damn.  Can you give me a little more monitor up here?”

10.  define: loathsome: Okey doke.

Now we’d like to turn the algorithm over to our fellow Crappers, for a little Open Sourcery:

11.  piranha sqishey toy

12.  nose occupation

13.  Different sex of cats

14,  batman boner

15.  I pity the fool who leaves dog poop

I Don’t Need To Spin. The Room Is Spinning!

Posted by scott on October 2nd, 2010

i09, which is the pop culture equivalent of a swollen breast dispensing milk to suckling geeks, has a piece on one of my favorite webcomics, Wonderella:

If Wonder Woman were crabby, selfish, and generally bad at her job, she’d be Wonderella, the boozy “heroine” of The Non-Adventures of Wonderella. She has mommy issues, tells dick jokes galore, rap battles Jesus Christ, and occasionally saves the day.

When you were a little kid, did you ever entertain the fleeting fantasy that your parents were secretly superheroes?  Me either, but this is basically what my mom would have been like if she’d hailed from Paradise Island.

Random Scenes of Hollywood

Posted by scott on September 29th, 2010

Even if your doctors are baffled, there is hope.  Come to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital…

…where you will enjoy the benefits of state-of-the-art medical technology and a skilled, caring staff, including world renowned diagnostician, It.

Top 8 Google Searches

Posted by scott on September 19th, 2010

You know, after the ossified certitudes of Coach Dave Daubenmire, I’m in the mood to hear from people whose feet are not wearing a rut in the same narrow path, and whose minds still grapple with the Big Questions in life.  So it’s time for our semi-weekly attempt to answer the search engine queries that have lately deposited readers at World O’ Crap, bruised, bleeding, and bewildered like a man who took a wrong step in the dark and fell down his own coal chute.

1.  urban combat kung fu for christ for christ:

It’s G.I. Jesus™ with the Kung Fu Grip®.  Take on the Money Changers with his 9mm Galilee Glock (shoulder holster included!) and get Pontius Pilate before he gets you, with the Silent But Deadly™ Arrowhead-Shaped Crucifix!

G.I. Jesus™ Secret Headquarters Playset® with Real Combat Lace Curtains® Sold Separately!

And just check out the detail!  G.I. Jesus™ comes with pitiless, Thousand Yard Stare, and Real Facial Stigmata Action!

2.  married jew women head: Well, it’s a start.  But if I were you, I’d make sure she at least threw in the clavicles before I got serious about shopping for a ring.

3.  how does boy cats privates supposed to look ? Guest columnist Moondoggie has agreed to handle this one…

“Look on my junk, ye Mighty, and despair!”


Next Stop: Stopgap!

Posted by scott on September 1st, 2010


This week is proving to be a bit crazy, but it may — and I stress may; I don’t want to get ahead of myself, events, or the vengeful Fates which seem to be in constant pursuit lately — lead to some actual work.  Time will (shortly, I hope) tell.  Meanwhile, enjoy some juvenile tittering over Old Albion foodstuffs from a U.K. import shop I wandered into last night.

“Don’t pay her.”  Oh wait — that’s not the right set-up…

It’s both a Delightful Taste of Home, and a sign that your bedbug problem may be getting out of hand.

They mean…to win…Wimbledon!

UPDATE:  Our good friend heydave reminds me that I am not “the only one who uses his cell phone camera at the grocery store!”  And he provides irrefutable evidence that there are indeed other people who take an infantile delight in certain labels:

Kids Come Runnin’ for the Great Taste of Polygons!

Extra Vertices Mean Extra Crunch!

They Call Him “Ginger”

Posted by Maryc on August 30th, 2010

I call him “Evil”.

It’s Saturday, which means it’s time to answer the many Google queries that have brought people to World O’ Crap.  This week, the human body seems to be a source of enormous confusion, rather than the usual shame and tingling.

1.  witch’s teat plant: I’m guessing this is a decorative shrub which sprouts little buds in cold weather.

2.  sword of the new world moppet: A mid-70s Japanese anime series, this was a perhaps ill-conceived attempt to meld the Pippi Longstocking books with Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian stories.

3.  lipbalm is it a cure for homosexuality: Um…Yes!  Yes it is.  In fact, we’re selling it right now in our CafePress store (“It’s the Chapstick for Chaps Who Wish They Didn’t Love Another Chap’s Stick!”) and there’s a bulk discount available for members of the House Republican Caucus.

4.  vagina with bullhorns: According to his therapist’s notes, this is a recurring nightmare suffered by Newt Gingrich.

5.  father in law hairy chest: Really?  The World Wide Web’s only been around since 1991, and we’re already out of good ideas for porn?

6.  After chewing tobacco skin feels dead: Well, perhaps you should chew skin first, and then chew the tobacco afterwards for dessert.  Unless you intended the skin as a palate cleanser.

7.  jew penis slideshow: As I recall, this is how we passed rainy days in Junior High.

8.  ann coulter tits: I’m sorry Googler, but as Ponce de León learned, you can’t discover what doesn’t exist.

9. build a boner: Despite many requests from prominent Furries, Build-A-Bear is still failing to provide adequate genitalia options.

10. man sitting showing junk less is more: I don’t think this is a question, I think these are simply words to live by.

And now we come to our Open Source Q&A section.  What do you, the WO’C reader at home think?

11.  Doug Giles the cussing pastor?

12.  prettiest duggar girl


14.  sex woman shooting guns

15.  dick cheney explodes

Top Ten Wo’C Google Searches

Posted by scott on July 24th, 2010

Every once in awhile we check to see what search strings have built up in the World O’ Crap referrer logs, much like that guy at Jiffy Lube who comes out to the waiting room to cluck his tongue about all the gunk in your fuel filter. So let’s see which questions The Algorithm has so badly bungled that it actually sent people to us for answers…

1.  how to make eyes: I assume this is for a Jaycees Haunted House and the answer is, “use peeled grapes.”

2.  ghost with a boner: This is a popular Hong Kong (Category III) horror film.  It’s also what happens when a healthy young dead guy sees an attractive, nubile, and deceased girl in an Invisible Bikini.

3.  model pretending to be a whore: Also known as “art imitating life.”

4.  bishop stonewall shelton toomsuba ms: Welcome, Your Grace. Here’s the post you’re looking for.

5.  shaddam hussain: Also known as shaddam IV, the 81st Padishah Emperor of the known universe, and a really embarrassing way for Jose Ferrer to end his career.

6.  fatal vagina: During the Bush Administration, this was the title of the federally approved textbook used in Abstinence Only sex education classes.

7.  Separated At Birth Queries:

a.)  hitler’s disney sketches:
b.)  hitler’s autopsy pictures:

Mix and Match Them!

8.  high foreheads surgery: This is the latest Tinsel Town trend in cosmetic enhancements.  After a vogue for wearing unnecessary eyeglasses in an effort to look smart, Young Hollywood is fighting the age-old “blondes are dumb” canard with Forehead Implants.

Nothing says “Einsteinian intellect” like a forehead that resembles two butts pressed against a plate glass window.

9.  “bib overalls” bald: Like “the Brazilian,” this is a term of art for a style of bikini wax, in which most of the hair is left intact, but shaped into an oblong and vajazzled with two brass buttons.

10.  dr. mike male stripper real name robert t******: At last it’s clear why Dr. Mike Adams feels so free to aggravate his colleagues, insult his superiors, and sue his own university — he’s got something to fall back on.

And since World O’ Crap is now a reality show — which, like so many reality shows, is basically just a game show — we come to the Open Source segment of our program, where we appeal to you, the Wo’C reader, to answer these perplexing queries, under pain of having Tyra Banks complain about your neck.

11.  anderson cooper gayest moments

12.  batman leotard fetish

13.  ghetto white people

14.  asperger’s “southern baptism”

15.  midichlorians how do they work