• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!



    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

Archive for the 'Things That Go Grump in the Night' Category

Before we descend into Dennis Prager’s Id and begin digging around for his usual nuggets of wisdom and veins of poetry (part of our new government-sponsored program, Clunkers for Spelunkers), I’d like to welcome former law clerk, former part-time community college instructor, and ham radio talk show host Ellis Washington, who dropped by this post yesterday to wish us happy holidays:

I’m elated that my article, “Art, music and the Wagnerian dilemma,” provoked such passionate discussion. During this Holiday Season I wish you all …


Passionate we certainly are, although as Mary remarked, Mr. Washington may have “confused discussion with derision.”  But hey, if it leads to … Peace, then I’m all for it.  Plus, Ex-Clerk Ellis has a blog now, Ellis Washington Report, and while so far it only features links to, and brief excerpts from, his World Net Daily columns, this is still a very exciting development, because unlike WND, Mr. Washington’s blog invites you to “leave a comment.”  Naturally I wanted to reciprocate his holiday sentiment, but clicking on “leave a comment” takes you to World Net Daily where you can’t … leave a comment.

It just goes to show that liberal’s well-known love of the “intentional fallacy” leads to chaos and Caravaggio, while Veritas leads to a clean and well-lighted causality loop.

So anyway.  Dennis Prager is about to school us squares on popular music.  And a one, and a two…

‘F— You’ – from the music industry

The nominees to receive the most prestigious awards in the music industry, the Grammy Awards, were just announced. Among the five nominees for Song of the Year is a song titled “F— You,” with the F-word, of course, spelled out and pronounced.

Here are the song’s opening lyrics:

I see you driving ’round town
With the girl I love and I’m like,
F— you!
Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn’t enough, I’m like,
F–- you!
And f— her, too!

The next lyrics add the S-word:

Which, if you say it real fast, sounds like “sword.”  That’s why I like to mumble when I curse, because people don’t know if I’m saying “S-word,” or threatening to grab a basket-hilted claymore and run them through.  Either way, it will usually inspire the elderly woman ahead of me in line at the grocery store to fill out her check with a bit more alacrity.

And shortly thereafter, the N-word:

Eventually this song is going to exhaust the English alphabet, and we’re going to have to start importing fricatives from the !Kung Bushmen.

It is also worth noting that the video of this song includes children who appear to be under 12 years of age and all the performers are black – a point I will address later.

Well, I took that for granted, since Dennis usually gets around to pointing out how black people are spoiling everything, from pride to snack chip commercials.  Not to mention all the “name rape.”

I have long believed that MTV has done more damage to America’s young people than any other single institution. I am referring to the music videos, in which most images or scenes are shown for less than two seconds and thereby numb kids’ minds, and to the sexual imagery and sex talk that permeate the music videos and much of the rest of MTV programming.

There are music videos on MTV?  I’d better touch up my spiral perm.

How does a song replete with expletives, whose very title is “F— You,” get nominated for a Grammy Award as Song of the Year?

I blame industry pressure from Big Dash.

The answer is that the music industry, from producers to artists, is largely populated by people who regard social and cultural norms as stifling. Their professional lives are dedicated to lowering that which is elevated, destroying that which uplifts and to profaning that which is held sacred.

Tell me about it!  What’s next in their unending quest for sensationalism and exploitation?  Caribou snuff films?

There is no better explanation for “F— You” being nominated as Song of the Year. It has little, if any, redeeming moral, social or artistic (to the extent that this word retains its original meaning) value. The lyrics are as vapid as they are obscene; the video further degrades that part of black life that is already too lacking in elevation; and there is the participation of children in a profanity-filled video.

Dear Black People:  Mr. Prager would appreciate it if you would stop living at sea level.  Thanks.

For most of American history, a child who used such words was punished by his parents, and society instinctively knew how important it was not to expose children to obscenities. Today, adults in the music industry reward children for participating in videos laced with obscenities.

When in fact they should have been dealt with in the same time-honored fashion Dennis would have dished out to the kid in that corn chip ad which delivered such a fatal blow to Western Civilization during the Super Bowl:  ”If a child did that to me, I would grab his offending arm and apply enough force to make it clear that he will never do that again…The Doritos kid deserved a physical response from this man — as in pressure on the offending arm.”

The third nominee is an ode to New York City, “Empire State of Mind,” performed by black rapper Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, and which also contains the N-word. It is worth recalling that when white radio-show host Laura Schlessinger used this word solely to condemn its use in inner-city black life

Black people really needed to hear it from an unbiased source.

…society’s elite poured such wrath on her that it forced many of her sponsors to abandon her, and she decided to leave radio.

…and move to satellite radio, where apparently you can say any crazy s-word that comes into your head.

Bill O’Reilly:  Polk Award Winner.  Dewlap model.  Undead Sparkle Vamp.

Okay, so, s.z. — in the manner of a hospitalized tyke asking Babe Ruth to hit a homer for her — ordered up a bold fresh piece of Bill O’Reilly, and while it’s a tall order, I can’t shake the thought of her sitting there, ear cocked toward the cathedral radio, waiting for that telltale roar of the crowd…

Blood and Treasure

Bela Lugosi must be turning over in his grave — that is, if the stake through his heart would allow it.

Oh, Bill, you silly man.  Bela Lugosi wasn’t really a vampire — he wasn’t actually interred with a hawthorn stake through his heart.  He was buried with a morphine-filled hypodermic needle transfixing his forearm (otherwise known as a “Spiking Funeral”), in order to prevent him from rotating in his coffin.  It works on the same principle as the Club.

Lugosi, as you may know, became famous as Dracula in the 1931 movie based on Bram Stoker’s novel about a villainous Transylvanian blood-sucking vampire. For more than a century, Dracula and vampires in general were spooky cinema stalkers, usually dispatched with a sharp object in the chest.

Unlike creepy phone sex stalkers, who are usually dispatched with a lawsuit and a multi-million dollar out of court settlement.

But now they are a cultural phenomenon and a billion-dollar business.

CBS News is reporting that some crazed American teenagers are actually biting one another, even drawing blood at times.

Yeah, that was going on when I was a teenager, Bill — it’s called hormones.  I suppose in your day teens were more circumspect and never actually broke the skin; the boy would only suck on the girl until a hickey blossomed, then he’d withdraw his attentions in a gentlemanly fashion and finish himself off with a vibrator and some chickpeas.

Apparently, the Internet is full of vampire-type activities primarily posted by nutty fans of the “Twilight” series of books and movies.

And Bill is every bit the author Stephenie Meyer is!  There’s no reason he couldn’t revise his oeuvre to capture some of that sweet, sweet tweener Twilight scratch:

“Well, if I took you down there I’d want to take a shower with you right away, that’d be the first thing I’d do…Yeah, we would check into the room, and we’d order up some room service — steak tartare and a bag of plasma — and uh you’d definitely get two fangs into you as quickly I could get into you I’d get ‘em into you…maybe intravenously.  ‘Cause I’m a VAMPIRE!”

For those who lack a frame of reference for Romanian folklore

“You’ve somehow missed the last century of popular culture, which means you’re dead.  Although if you’re reading this, I guess you’re more likely undead…Which probably means you’re a vampire.  Which…probably means you already know all about Romanian folklore.  Okay, just forget I said anything.   Say, did you know werewolves are actually human beings who change into a wolf?  It happens on a lunar cycle, so it’s caused by menstruation, which is why Gypsies call it ‘the Curse.’”

Wait a second…!  Here’s a picture of Bill from the 70s, and aside from the pimp coat and the Mod hairstyle, his huge face looks the same!  You realize what this means, don’t you?

Bill O’Reilly’s goiter is a vampire!

a vampire is a creature who can live forever but must drink blood to survive. Dracula was the Big Daddy.

It’s nice of Bill to teach Remedial Vampire, but according to the Factor’s demographics, most of his audience is old enough to have seen the Lugosi Dracula when it first came out.  And taken their kids.

But now there are all kinds of vampires living in neighborhoods near you, at least according to author Stephenie Meyer, whose “Twilight” books have sold more than 100 million copies worldwide. Meyer specializes in creating young, attractive vampires who are not all bad like old Bela, the pasty, nasty icon. No, the “Twilight” undead can be romantic and emotional, and the kids just love ‘em.

Yeah.  Say Bill, at any point during your in-depth study of vampire lore, did anyone mention that the Lugosi — pasty and nasty thought he may have been — became a huge sex symbol during his run in the original Broadway and touring productions of Dracula in 1931?  It’s probably no coincidence that vampires first came to public prominence as ancient roués secretly exchanging bodily fluids with nubile virgins in Victorian England, because it’s a perfect analog for modern social conditions in Utah and parts of Arizona.

In the movies, the three “Twilight” flicks have grossed close to a billion and a half dollars and have glamorized the fanged creatures almost beyond belief. Want to be cool? Suck a little blood; stay out all night.

So why is this happening? Boredom, that’s why. Many kids today spend nearly every waking moment stimulated by some kind of machine.

Usually one “shaped like a cock with a little battery in it.”  And after they climax, they can tell their girlfriend, or plaintiff, as the case may be, “I appreciate the fun phone call.  You can have fun tonight.  I’ll appreciate it.  I mean it.”

The younger crew is texting, playing video games, listening to up-tempo music on headphones or networking on their personal computers. All day, all night, these machines are available. After a while, real life means little. It’s too slow. Everything comes quickly on the machines.

Especially Bill, who’s had that Steely Dan rammed up his Factor Crack so deep and so long that technically, he’s shish kebob.

The kids are wired all the time.

Well, don’t let them drink Yoo Hoo before bed.

Enter the world of the supernatural. Vampires don’t need school or jobs; they just float around having dramas.

Except the vampires in Twilight, who have been going to high school continuously for the past hundred years.  And keeping their heads down, doing their work, and avoiding drama.  (Believe me, I saw Twilight — those vamps spend their entire eternal lives successfully avoiding drama).   The rest of the time they spend soulfully playing classical piano, reading great works of literature, and playing pick-up games of “Vampire baseball.”  I swear, if they were any more wholesome they’d be Mormons.

Oh, wait…

And they look great. Even their long, sharp teeth are sparkling white. Their hair is perfect. When Dracula emerged from his coffin, wolves howled. When these “Twilight” vampires show up, plastic surgeons take notes.

In Twilight, when vampires emerge from Abercrombie and Fitch, hunky Native American dudes turn into wolves.  And then teenage girls howl.  So you can’t say Stephenie isn’t respecting the traditions.

When I was 10 years old, the Hula-Hoop was the big trend. The Hula-Hoop. Now, most 10-year-olds know all about these vampire types and their werewolf friends. And some of the kids are actually acting this stuff out in real life, at least according to CBS News. So what is to be done?

Well, maybe you should have put down the Hula Hoop and gone to the movies, big guy, because they were filled with vampires and monsters, from Christopher Lee’s first Dracula film for Hammer, to the low budget horror of Corman’s Attack of the Giant Leeches.  Or you could have even stayed indoors and watched TV, where millions of your fellow Boomers were discovering Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, and the various Mummy flicks from the 30s and 40s.  The point is, Bill:

Actually, nothing. If you believe the worldwide book sales and film grosses, there aren’t enough stakes in the world to kill this vampire movement. These people may be dead, but boy, are they living large.

Well, the sad fact is, there probably aren’t enough steaks in Peter Lugar to kill Bill, so I guess we’re all going to have to live with our own personal bête noires for awhile yet.

A Request

Posted by s.z. on July 9th, 2010

Scott, please give the ol’ Wo’C treatment to the latest Bill O’Reilly column Blood and Treasure. It’s Bill’s “kids these days” grumbling about vampires – and it’s exceptionally silly, even for an O’Reilly piece. (He’s obviously taking a vacation from punditing, but still wanted to get paid this week.) I’d love to tackle it myself, but I have a full day of animal stuff lined up. But here is Bill’s outline for the column, if that will help you.

1. I knew Bela Lugosi, and you, guy who plays a vampire in those Twilight movies, are no Bela Lugosi.

2. CBS News said that Twilight fans are doing nutty stuff. So obviously this whole craze is worthy of me, a Peabody-awarded news guy, writing about it.

3. I still have another 800 words to go, so let me now define what a vampire is for you. “For those who lack a frame of reference for Romanian folklore, a vampire is a creature who can live forever but must drink blood to survive.”

4. Stephanie Meyer’s vampires are “cool,” and that is a sign of all that is wrong with today’s young people.

5. And why do they like vampires so much? Video machines, that’s why!

6. Plus, vampires are pretty. “Their hair is perfect.” Didn’t I hear that line somewhere before? No matter, it’s mine now.

7. When I was a kid, we didn’t need vampires, because we had hula hoops! And we turned out pretty darned okay!

8. Vampires are a billion-dollar industry. How can I somehow cash in on it? I know, I’ll write another book looking out for the kids, but I’ll use the fiction-writing skills I displayed in “Those Who Trespass.” So, this novel will be about a straight-shooting, Christmas-defending, studly TV News guy who happens to be … a teenage vampire! I’ll throw in some kinky sex involving loofas, a few unpleasant murders, and some stories about my young years on the mean streets of suburbia, and it should be another best seller. Plus, it will teach the kids some much needed values. I just need a title for it. Boy, am I great or what?

Anyway, Scott, I’ll leave the actual riffing on the column to you, if you should choose to accept this assignment. Maybe you could throw in some vampire photos, or some photo-shopped photos of Bill as a vampire — whatever would dress the piece up the best. Good luck!