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Archive for January, 2009

Winner Of The Salinger Award For Productivity In Blogging

Posted by scott on January 31st, 2009

I apologize for the slow pace of blogging around here, but I’ve recently hit a personal Trifecta: a rash of story meetings (impervious to any ointment!), the Return of the Herniated Disc, which as sequels go is just slightly suckier than Star Wars Episode I:  The Phantom Menace if you edited out everything but Jar Jar, and a bout of cluster headaches, which feels, as I’ve remarked elsewhere, as if Keebler Elves made cookies in your head, then got claustrophobic and tried to drill their way out through your eye.  But beyond that, I’ve come down with a touch of the Blogger Malaise that’s afflicting so many of us who ply the wingnut spoofery trade.  After all, the GOP is out of power, and in the first flush of a new administration, it seemed mean-spirited and a trifle obsessive-compulsive to continue mocking the Old Believers and their stubborn, pathetic attachment to the superannuated liturgy of Bush and Cheney.  On the other hand, you don’t ignore the termites devouring your house just because their name isn’t on the deed and they don’t get to choose the drapes.

At the moment, though, there doesn’t seem to be much going on, although the RNC did make history today by electing Michael Steele as chairman…


Steele is only the second bassist — after Mike Huckabee — to achieve a position of national prominence in the Republican Party, and the first to have a song covered by Shonen Knife.

Okay, that didn’t work out too well.  How ’bout some cat pictures?


Here’s Riley’s photo from her Craigslist ad:  Evil feline supervillain looking for small human to stroke while ordering the death of foriegn agents and clumsy subordinates.  Longhair preferred.

Meanwhile, Moondoggie is still flabbergasted by recent political events:


“‘President Obama.’  I just can’t believe it…”

tabor.jpg Many conservative pundits, even those on the split-end fringes of the movement, seem hilariously flummoxed by Barack Obama, unsure how to vilify a black president without turning their tacit racism explicit, and ruining all the mystery.  It’s like the terror experienced by a teenage boy as he watches his mother collect dirty laundry, and prays that she doesn’t turn that one particular sweat sock inside out.   But RenewAmerica has found the solution in Nathan Tabor, a politically savvy man-child who Jerry Falwell once dubbed, “the young Jesse Helms,” right around the time Nathan ran for Congress (against Vernon Robinson, “the black Jesse Helms”) by pouring nearly a million dollars into an eight-way primary, and then losing; or possibly it was during his subsequent campaign for the North Carolina state senate, which he also lost.  At any rate, who better than “the young Jesse Helms” to dynamite this rhetorical beaver dam of self-censoring racial sensitivity, and let the bracing cataract of criticism flow free, like a cool clear stream of propaganda to a parched and barren land, thirsty for talking points:

The media lovefest over our new President makes much of the fact that he is the first African-American to hold the highest office in the land. One would expect, then, that the nation’s most prominent black leader would pursue policies that would benefit blacks as never before.

Obama’s entire presidential campaign was an elaborate scheme to give black folks free abortions and bottomless refills of Motherfucking™ iced tea.  Oh, and access to nuclear weapons.

However, based on his statements on the campaign trail, it appears that Barack Obama is poised to implement programs that will wreak havoc on the black family — and could, in fact, decimate the African-American population.

He could also step on a dandelion on the South Lawn of the White House and wipe out an entire colony of Whos.

For instance, Obama has embraced an old-school liberalism which will put Uncle Sam on a high-octane spending spree, creating massive government programs which will weaken American initiative. Minorities are likely to be especially vulnerable to such strong-arm government tactics.

Future historians will tell how Obama set his goons loose in the ghettos, to brutally club minorities into prosperity with the axe-handles of opportunity.

Obama told Planned Parenthood in 2007 that the first thing he’d do as President would be to sign the Freedom of Choice Act — a radical piece of legislation which would go beyond Roe versus Wade in declaring abortion to be a fundamental right, such as the right to free speech.

So radical that it apparently repeals Article V (requiring that changes be made only after a two-thirds vote in the House and Senate, and approval by three-fourths of the states) and grants Obama the power to amend the Constitution at whim.  He probably takes a copy into the crapper with him and scribbles additions to the Bill of Rights (“Amendment 78 declares that Silly Putty which has picked up the image of a five dollar bill may be used as legal tender”…”The right of the people to be secure in their houses, illusions, underpants, pre-conceived notions, and special effects, against unreasonable searches, seizures, and reach-arounds, shall not be violated…Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of the Mark Eden Bust Developer…”

Since the Freedom of Choice Act would result in the elimination of virtually all restrictions on abortion, abortion rates under Obama could conceivably skyrocket. African-American women already obtain a disproportionate number of abortions, meaning that the African-American child could be particularly at risk under the Obama Administration. The black genocide, which has already claimed millions of lives since 1973, could escalate.

Ah yes, it’s our old friend Not Having a Baby is the Moral Equivalent of Shooting a Man in Reno Just to Watch Him Die.  It seems that jailing and executing African Americans at wildly disporportionate rates, and standing idly by while they suffered from poverty, inferior schools, and poor health care just wasn’t getting the job done.  But a new generation of ethnic cleansers — people like Obama, who are educated, organized, and ergonomically aware — realize that by increasing abortion rates, they can nip these black people in the bud.  It’s like taking a hot air balloon up to the fluffy cloud where baby souls wait to be born, wading into the queue and clubbing them like baby harp seals.

Remember those shots of African-Americans, young and old, weeping with uncontainable joy as they stood on the Mall and watched the inauguration?  Just imagine their expressions when Obama cranks up the Black Genocide and they realize, “Well, I guess the jokes on us!“  Of course, it’s perhaps a shade ironic to hear anti-choice activists like Nathan declare that Blacks are committing racial suicide, since the anti-abortion movement arose from a fear that Slavs, Celts, Latins, and other inferior flavors of white people — let alone Negroes — were outbreeding the Anglo-Saxon middle class.

But blacks are not the only minority group which could suffer under the Democratic regime in Washington.

The streets will run red with the blood of Freemasons.

Democratic leaders believe that children must be taught evolution, and they cringe at the common-sense notion of intelligent design. The evolutionary theory promoted by Charles Darwin teaches survival of the fittest. That would place homosexuals at the bottom of the chain, since they cannot procreate.

Nathan, if your entire case against homosexuality depends upon natural selection, then I’d suggest you check out the guys parading down Santa Monica Boulevard on a hot day, because if it all comes down to survival of the fittest, there’s going to be nothing left after the apocalypse but cockroaches and West Hollywood.

Under evolution, they are destined to die out, forced out of existence by the heterosexuals who can procreate.

Brilliant plan; except for all the heterosexuals who keep making new homosexuals.

The idea that our nation’s Democratic leaders are anti-black, anti-minority, and anti-homosexual is an inconvenient truth. It is uncomfortable to read because it is uncomfortable to write.

“And it’s particularly uncomfortable to write while wearing this titanium alloy chastity belt with the Kryptonite lock, which is fearfully chafing my naughty batch.”

But, as an old adage goes, the truth will make you free. Only when Democrats confront their own bigoted demons can true progress begin, can we finally heal as a nation.

And perhaps — one day — Democrats will even become progressive enough to elect an African-American president.

*Post relabeled at Mark S’s suggestion.  I have a feeling this is going to be a growth category over the next couple years.

Brother Can You Spare A Smirk?

Posted by scott on January 26th, 2009

Leave it to William Kristol to give the ascendancy of Barack Obama and the Democratic Party a much needed breath of historical perspective:


Since Ronald Reagan’s election in 1980, conservatives of various sorts, and conservatisms of various stripes, have generally been in the ascendancy. And a good thing, too! Conservatives have been right more often than not — and more often than liberals — about most of the important issues of the day: about Communism and jihadism, crime and welfare, education and the family. Conservative policies have on the whole worked — insofar as any set of policies can be said to “work” in the real world. Conservatives of the Reagan-Bush-Gingrich-Bush years have a fair amount to be proud of.

What a relief!  I was afraid Bill was going to choke in the final inning and actually say something that wasn’t instantly and flatly contradicted by observable reality, but he stepped up like a champ and protected his streak.

In many ways, Bill seems like a modern DiMaggio, if Joltin’ Joe’s celebrated record had involved getting beaned in 56 consecutive games.  But today, he most clearly reminds me of another baseball legend, Ted Williams, who capped a long and distinguished career by belting a home run in his last at-bat.  For like the Splendid Splinter, Kristol didn’t just strike out and limp slump-shouldered into the dugout; instead, he saved the best for last, concluding his trenchant pensées with perhaps the six most stirring and eloquent words that have ever appeared beneath his byline:

This is William Kristol’s last column.

Our long national toothache is over.

We All Have Our Burning Cross To Bear

Posted by scott on January 24th, 2009

JammieWearingFool has his Dr. Dentons in a twist again.  This time he’s offended that Michelle Obama seems displeased by the transformation of her prepubescent daughters into collectible effigies.

Oh, the indignity of it all, After a year of allowing the kids on Access Hollywood, magazine photo shoots, parading her girls front and center wherever she goes, now Michelle Obama is upset with a doll manufacturer for cashing in on the kids…You can bet she wouldn’t be whining if she was getting a cut of the action.

Yes, some naive devotees of “hope” and “change” may believe the First Lady is sincerely upset by this exploitation of her preteen children, but it’s clear to Mr. Fool that her outrage is entirely manufactured, just part of an elaborate shakedown scheme designed to extort money from John Travolta.  And he’s not alone in thinking the little golddigger had it coming.  But while Jammie sees Mrs. Obama’s disapproval as prima facie evidence of a criminal enterprise, Paleo Pat of Political Byline sees it as an opportunity to tell a black woman to shut up.

First Lady Michelle Obama, “Don’t be using my kids as a marketing tool!”

(Just a tiny caveat:  That may not be an exact quote.)

But yet the first bitch will put her daughters on Access Hollywood, magazine photo shoots, and parade her girls front and center wherever she goes. But she bitches about this?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that Mr. Pat is not troubled by a surfeit of feminine companionship.  But let’s check his bio just to be sure…

Sigh.  Why are all the good men married, gay, or compulsive masturbators?  Better luck next time, ladies!  On the bright side, I feared that his post title was a trifle racist, but I see from his “is got a mental disorder” construction that he was simply writing in the charming patois typical of his native region of the basement.

As they say in the ghetto here in Detroit….. NIGGA PLEASE!


“Up yours, wigger!”

If the first harpy does not want her “Babies” out in the public, keep them out the public eye. Otherwise, shut the hell up, and be glad your stupid idiot husband got elected, despite that 45 percent; or more if the truth me known, considering the election was rigged as hell, and he basically bought the damned election from all those off-shore donations from terrorists.

….and for it’s worth, Bambi is NOT my President. He’s just stupid uppity idiot that won, because he was black; and that’s ALL that Magic Negro will be to me!

I don’t claim to know exactly what Barack Obama’s inauguration as President means to the United States; but I do know this:  somewhere in suburban Detroit, there’s a fuzzy-faced misogynist who spent January 20th shrieking with rage and repeatedly punching the logo on a box of Uncle Ben’s Rice.  Nevertheless, Mr. Pat’s political convictions are surprisingly nuanced, for unlike some conservatives he lays the blame for our current economic difficulties squarely at the feet of George W. Bush:

Seriously, I have not had a “day job” since 2005. I last worked as a merchandiser vendor for a major home improvement chain. I handled Lighting, I had to quit. The job was making me physically sick. Due to the medication that I take. (Prolonged Exposed to bright Lights and Sunlight makes me want to HURL!)  The company shortly after that went out of business. So, I don’t think I made out that badly. I have not had a good paying steady job since 2000. Yes folks, I haven’t worked steady since Bush took office, 8 years ago. Lovely eh?  You see now, why I am not fond of him?

Admittedly, this brief excerpt doesn’t do justice to the sophistication of Mr. Pat’s views, since it fails to include his many animated emoticons.  Later in the interview, he asks himself if he’s crazy.

No, I am in full use of my mental faculties.

Is only we could all say the same.


Posted by Maryc on January 21st, 2009

Just, “Wow”. It’s been 8 years that I’ve been waiting for a President that I can be proud of.  That day has finally come.




“Hi.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this thing that you bought me to sit on seems to be eating me.”

And Riley:

“Hey!  You’re not the only one getting eated around here…!”

You’re Throwing A Wrench In My Ubermensch

Posted by scott on January 16th, 2009

Amidst all the justifiable praise for the pilot of US Airways flight 1549, Emptywheel at Firedoglake points to a largely overlooked factor in the passenger and crews’ survival:

[Sullenberger]–and his union–have fought to ensure pilots get the kind of safety training to pull off what he did yesterday.

Then there are the flight attendants…members of the Association of Flight Attendants-CWA. Yesterday’s accident should remind all of us that flight attendants are first and foremost safety professionals–they should not be treated like cocktail waitresses.

There are the ferry crews…They’re represented by the Seafarers International Union. They provide safety training to their members so they’re prepared for events like yesterday’s accident.

There are the cops and firemen…They’re represented by the Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association and the Uniformed Firefighters Association and Uniformed Fire Officers Association (IAFF locals).  They’re the men and women who performed so heroically on 9/11–and they’ve been fighting to make sure first responders get the equipment to do this kind of thing.

This is a legitimate point, but it unfairly disparages business, which has a long record of voluntarily spending manhours and money on safety training, even without union coercion.  I remember my great-grandmother telling tales of when she worked for the Triangle Shirtwaist Company, and scoffing at the “nanny-like” managers who continually pulled seamstresses away from their machines for safety meetings, tips and drills teaching them what to do if the place caught on fire and they were all locked inside, such as tucking your skirts between your legs before you jump from the 9th floor so onlookers don’t get a glimpse of your bloomers before you hit the pavement.  But as Amanda Carpenter at Townhall remarks, what’s the good of safety training after you’ve already had an accident, since by the very nature of the situation, you are no longer safe!


That time would have been much better spent in 401k meetings teaching them how to properly invest their retirement funds, or life insurance payouts, in the stock market.

Bush, In Farewell Address, Calls For Global War On Geese

Posted by scott on January 15th, 2009

President Bush interrupted his prepared farewell address Thursday night to warn the nation of a threat from “terrorists who hate us for our freedom to suck them into aircraft engines.”  Noting the forced landing of a US Airways flight, which occurred this afternoon after a collision with what a Department of Justice spokesperson called, “suicidehomicide geese,” the President praised the pilot and crew of the airliner, and expressed thanks that all persons aboard survived the crash.  “At the same time,” Mr. Bush continued, “we must regard today’s tragedy as an act of war.  Intelligence sources indicate that the cowardly attackers who brought down Flight 1549 had recently crossed into the United States from Canada.”

Shortly after the crash, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise appearance on Fox News, where he claimed that the downing of the airliner should be regarded as a wake-up call by “both the incoming Administration and the civilized world at large.”  Mr. Cheney noted that geese “can easily fly distances of up to 2500 miles, almost twice the range of an Iranian Shahab-2 intermediate range missile,” and, “they’re extremely hard to shoot down when you’re drunk.”

“Ironically,” the Vice President added, “because the terrorists took down an Airbus, I suspect our European allies will be a lot less eager to criticize us this time.  In fact, the Obama Administration would probably be well advised to seek assistance from the EU when interrogating suspects, because who has more experience torturing geese than the French?”

Bush Schedules Last Presidential Dump In The White House

Posted by scott on January 14th, 2009

ABC NEWS–Press Secretary Dana Perino announced on Wednesday that George W. Bush has scheduled the final defecation of his presidency in the private Oval Office washroom, known as “the Coolidge Crapper,” for Monday, January 19, at 10:35 AM (EST).  The president has requested ten minutes of live network and cable news coverage; 15 minutes if the Fi-Bar isn’t working.

Originally known as the “Taft Thunderbucket” when it was first installed in the East Wing in 1910, the toilet and separate elevated reservoir tank were handcarved from a single, 2000-pound block of Proconnesus marble from the island of Marmara, located in what was then the Ottoman Empire.  In 1923 the commode was ordered moved to a water closet adjoining the Oval Office by President Calvin Coolidge, who found it awkward making small talk at the urinals in the West Wing mens room.

Presidential scholar John Harlington said that despite some early successes, Bush’s performance in the bathroom has been mixed since 9/11, when he repeatedly lost control of his bowels during his efforts to “get out of harm’s way.”  And while top Administration officials have generally praised the president for his “steadfastness and regularity,” Bush leaves office with only a 17% approval rating from the White House cleaning staff.  Two maids, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak publicly on the matter, declared “his aim is lousy,” while another added, “You’d think he was trying to write his name on the wall, or shoot down a fly.”

The presidential evacuation will be carried live on ABC, with special team coverage and post-dump analysis on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program.

Game Over, Man!

Posted by scott on January 11th, 2009

Oh noes!  Karl Rove has unlocked the secrets of Twitter!  He’s as we speak!

Obama can kiss that Youth Vote good-bye.



Once again, quoting :  “That’s what the President use to tell me—’History will get it right and we’ll both be dead!’” (< --repeated 3X in 1 hr.)

Yes, repetition and message discipline:  The secret to scintillating Tweets.