You kids are so jaded nowadays, with your Zombie Apocalypse on basic cable, and your Young Adult vampire books, and your gruesome games about vivisection, where you callously remove a man’s Wrenched Ankle without benefit of anesthetic.  Obviously, it takes more to frighten you than a warty-nosed witch or a mummified corpse rising from an ancient sarcophagus, so I searched the web for hours, trying to find a picture appropriate for the holiday, and this was the single most terrifying image I could find.

And I’m deeply, deeply sorry.  Have a Very Sinister Samhain, everybody.

Happy Holidays | 10 Comments »

We continue the week’s festivities in honor of Scott’s birthday with some wise counsel for Scott (and the rest of you). And that advice is to be thankful that things aren’t a lot worse.

For example, Scott, your back may be shot to hell and your skeleton may be trying to escape out of your body (like in an old horror movie I think I saw once), but just be grateful that you don’t have Jonah Goldberg’s body. Or his mind either.

And while advancing middle-age may bring regrets for the mistakes of youth or for roads not taken, you can be very grateful that you never got involved with current Town Hall columnist Rachel Marsden (or if you did, somehow you managed to avoid being stalked by her, or having her sell your dirty clothes on eBay).

And while you may have current challenges, be very, very grateful that you aren’t seeing Robin of Berkeley to help you deal with them. Because she’s crazy!

Anyway, in honor of the Halloween season, Robin is sharing with us a wrenching tale of horror that would make Stephen King cry in terror like a little girl.

Spooky in Berkeley

It was Saturday, and the day started out propitiously–with a gaggle of adorable children masquerading as witches and ballerinas. But as the day went on, I noticed a new trend: older children and teens, stuffed into minivans.

They didn’t wear costumes, and they brought with them an angry vibe that was likely fueled by envy.

To get into the proper spooky state of mind, let’s clearly visualize this hellish scenario. It was daylight. Non-threatening tots costumed as ballerinas and non-evil witches are out and about. But then it got to be afternoon, and Robin noticed tweens and teens driving around in minivans. They weren’t in costume. Their vibe felt angry. Maybe they were jealous of Robin. Okay, that’s the scene. Now for the horror!

Now I’m quick to add that my house is modest at best; my neighborhood is diverse and middle-class. As with all areas around here, there are break-ins and damaged cars. But at least tricker-treaters can walk around our block without being struck by a drive-by shooting, which is more than I can say for these kids’ neighborhoods.

After a while, it all felt too intimidating. Fearing for my personal safety, I had to shut the door and turn off the porch light. But I didn’t just shut the door on that Halloween, but the ones that followed, too.

Um, on her first Halloween in Berkeley, Robin felt an envious vibe from some kids, and so she shut the door and locked herself in the house. And she has every Halloween since! And nothing has actually happened to her, but those vibes can be deadly! That’s a tale to rival the worst that Hollywood can offer this season!

It’s tragic that liberalism robs children and adults of the innocence of Halloween.

Okay, that’s actually the scary part of the story: Robin gets scared because vans of lower-class (possibly minority) young people are in her neighborhood on Halloween, and then she blames liberalism for her fears. And she presumably has clients whom are paying her to help them with their mental problems! Scary as hell!

How sad that some kids can’t safely ring the doorbells in their very own neighborhood. And those same children have to feel the sting of shame by being bused to better areas for a few sweets.

Speaking as a former kid, I don’t find it sad at all that some “less affluent” children trick-or-treat in the “better” enclave where Robin lives. I know that at a kid, every year I would trick-or-treat in my own neighborhood, and then would hit the richer neighborhoods too — because not only did I get more candy that way, I got BETTER candy too. (My neighbors gave out that “Cheap Bag o’ Treats” stuff that was mostly thin suckers and icky bubblegum, but some houses in better neighborhoods were passing out mini chocolate bars!) And not once did I feel an ounce of shame. And not once did I plan to rob or murder the people in those nicer houses, no matter how crazy they seemed.

But I learned my lesson from that one Berkeley Halloween, and it’s this: there is no respite from the wreckage that progressivism has wrought. The only solution is escaping its iron grip.

By locking your door against the lower-class kids who are out begging for candy in better neighborhoods, while planning race riots or Helter Skelter.

That’s why this Halloween, my husband and I will do what we always do: get up early, secure the windows and doors, and hide the plants in the backyard. And then we’ll beat a hasty retreat to the suburbs.

Good for you, Robin. I hope you aren’t killed by an envious/shameful 12-year-old on Halloween morn before you can escape to Palo Alto.

Birthdays, Happy Holidays | 28 Comments »

Apologies for my poor rate of posting around here lately, but the herniated disc seems a bit less responsive to painkillers than it’s been in the past, so I can only sit at the computer and read wingnuts for about 15 minutes (a unit of time known in the metric system as a “spasm”).  But I did want to express my appreciation to Ivan of Thrilling Days of Yesteryear, and the inimitable Anntichrist for the kind shout-outs on their blogs. And above all, to thank Sheri for her generous words, the inspiring Crow T. Robot quote, the more horrifying than usual horoscope, and of course, the brand new photo, in which Ann looks like a wizened version of that goofy dancer from the Feiffer cartoons.

So I’m feeling invigorated by all the love; but rather than laboriously pan the right-wing blogosphere for pyrite, I think I’ll just sink my shovel directly into the Mother Load:

Jimmy Carter: liar extraordinaire, by Warner Todd Huston (seen here slumming in mufti, rather than swanning about the Internet in the sort of meticulously recreated Nazi uniform that says, “My country is richer than Scrooge McDuck.”)

As you may recall from previous appearances, Warner’s RenewAmerica bio modestly celebrates his “thoughtful commentary, sometimes irreverent often historically based,” and his contributions to “several history magazines.”  So he’s basically Herodotus, if Flowbee technology had existed in the 5th Century BC.

Every once in a while one must risk breaching decorum and call a spade a spade.

…while dancing around the room with a sheet thrown over you, pausing every few moments to give your vintage Aunt Jemima bobblehead doll a festive jiggle.

In this case sentient people cannot avoid affirming the stark truth that former President Jimmy Carter is one of the world’s greatest liars.

Turns out that wasn’t actually lust in his heart, it was just really sexy arteriosclerotic plaque.  But I’m glad to see Warner really knows how to pick his battles, and I look forward to his thoughtful, irreverent, and historical insights on how we, the sentient readers at home, can avoid affirming stark truths.

This melodious storyteller’s latest misconstruction of the truth comes from the Deseret News of Salt Lake City, Utah where Carter regaled reporter Jessica Harrison with his blinkered view of reality.  His most extreme lie was his assessment of his own administration: “We had almost complete harmony with every nation on Earth. We not only preserved peace for our country, we never went to war. We never dropped a bomb. We never fired a missile.”

Really?  That’s his most extreme lie?  Okay…and you don’t want to build up to that at all?  Maybe start with some of his whitest lies and most transparent evasions?  You just want to shoot your wad in the first paragraph, huh.  Because if the idea is to one-up Carter by dropping a bombshell of your own, then I’m afraid it was either a UXB, or you dropped a deuce by mistake.

Not firing a missile or dropping a bomb is not the sole criteria for “harmony.”

Well, the former President didn’t say it was, and it’s probably a good thing it’s not, otherwise contestants in the Barbershop Harmony Society’s International College Quartet Contest would be judged not only on the quality of their four-part chords, but on how well they limited collateral damage to surrounding handlebar mustaches through the use of laser-targeted “smart” weapons.

At the very least we had the Iranian hostage crisis on Carter’s watch, a crisis that revealed a dearth of that “harmony” Carter was rambling about.

You know, Warner, that’s a legitimate point.  I hope you don’t ruin it by saying something stupid.

But even that aside we had two U.S. soldiers killed by North Korea in 1976 an action that caused President Ford to send additional U.S. forces to the Korean theater

People who lack a gift for historically-based commentary often forget that Carter is responsible for the actions of all previous presidents, because of Original Sin, or something.  For instance, FDR sent U.S. forces to the European and Pacific theaters in 1942, which is obviously why everyone hated us in late 70s.

…not to mention the continued belligerence of the United Soviet Socialist Republic, the implacable communist foe that faced us down for 50 years by that point. The U.S.S.R. was still working against U.S. interests unabated and was hardly indulging any sense of “harmony” with “every nation on Earth” during Carter’s term.

If I read the interview correctly, Mr. Carter was talking about our foreign policy (“We not only preserved peace for our country, we never went to war”), not the Soviets’.  Still, it’s a little disingenuous on his part to ignore all those bombs and missiles the Russians dropped on our cities in the late 70s.

East Germany and West Germany were still spilt

But united in their hatred of us, apparently.

Cuba still worked against the U.S., South and Central America still had governments that opposed America…

Yes, Latin America got much more harmonious during successor Administrations, what with the invasions of Grenada and Panama, our support for death squads and military juntas in El Salvador and Guatemala (known for their homicidal ruthlessness and bouncy four-part harmonies); and who can forget all the cool anti-nun weapons we bought for the “moral equivalent of our Founding Fathers,” the Contras?  Well, Warner, apparently; but that’s just because he has so many historical facts in his head he can never find the one he needs.  Mary’s the same way when she’s sorting through all her cookbooks looking for one particular recipe.

So.  Anyway…Carter’s a big fat liar.

in short all that “harmony” Carter dreamed about existing was a mirage residing only in his head. Jimmy Carter did not foster “harmony” as much as he simply ignored and abdicated to others any attention to the foreign policy situations we faced during his few short years in office.

Reagan walked into the Oval Office his first day as President and found that Carter had left behind a whole stack of pregnant Nicaraguan women who needed to be disemboweled with bayonets.  Gee, thanks, Mr. Procrastination!

That he basically ignored substantive foreign policy is one of the reasons he became the only elected president in decades to be denied a second term. Carter’s next guffaw inducing claim in the Deseret News interview was his lament about all that evil money in politics.

The evils of money in politics is a typically skewed Democrat contention but it is a false one — or at least misleading talking point.

While conservative pundits — like Warner — often decry the “politics of personal destruction,” they don’t believe that money is the cause of this unsavory climate, since the loudest and stupidest smears are often the work of unpaid volunteers — like Warner.

It is true that there is more money in politics than ever and it is true that the money is coming from all sides, business, politics, unions, and foreign sources alike. But while there is a lot of money flowing into politics — so strictly speaking it is true —

“…but I’m going to make up a far-fetched reason why it’s really an extreme lie!  Watch.  Me.  Rock.”

what leftists don’t do is explain why all that money is flowing like never before into election campaigns.

Apparently everything Jimmy Carter doesn’t say is also a lie.

Leftists simply state that there is too much money in politics and then leave it at that leading listeners to the vague feeling that the money itself is the great evil.

Yep, nothing scares the average American more than money.  Why, when I was little, I could never go to sleep until my mother looked under the bed for lurking wheat pennies.

But the money is not the evil. The government is. You see, the only reason more and more money keeps flowing into politics is because government keeps taking more and more power unto itself. Money follows power. It’s not the other way around.

Except the Koch brothers and the Chamber of Commerce and all the other wealthy interests who have flooded this campaign season with hundreds of millions of dollars haven’t given all — or even any — of that money to the party in power.  No doubt they simply misaddressed the envelope.

The more power government steals from individuals by taking away our liberties and freedoms with layers upon layers of regulations and laws, the more money will be directed to the politicians that can dole out favorable government action to those with enough money to buy that favor. Take away government power and control and the money in politics will miraculously melt away.

Similarly, in the final stage of Communism, the State will just wither away somehow.  And one has to look no further than the Gilded Age for a historical parallel; government regulation was minimal, and rich people were as remote from the centers of political power and as disenfranchised as blacks in the Jim Crow South.  This probably explains the haunting Negro spirituals that would so often waft from the Beaux-Arts facade of the New York Yacht Club.

Carter knows this to be a fact.

All he has to do is look at Somalia to see that a committed laissez-faire, or anarchist society is wholly untroubled by negative campaign ads.  And we know the former President has been to Africa, so he’s obviously seen for himself how a powerless government empowers its citizens and unleashes their entrepreneurial spirit (I understand there are many Somalian start-ups involved in the shipping business).  If Carter had an honest bone in his body, he’d admit that a touch of genocide and warlordism is a small price to pay for lifting the yoke of OSHA from our shoulders.

But he simply refuses to acknowledge the truth in public. After all, to formally recognize the truth would reveal an out of control government power grab and grabbing power is his most desired goal.

Aside from ensuring the integrity of elections in emerging democracies, and building homes for the poor, Carter spends most his time in a bloody quest for the One Ring.

Carter simply refuses to tell the truth about all this. Now I cannot say Jimmy Carter is a stupid man

…because there are too many syllables involved.

so that excuse to explain his behavior is untenable. I can’t say he’s misinformed or ignorant, either.

Because Warner never sees him at the meetings.

After all, he was there during the times he is discussing. He knows full well that he is misrepresenting the truth. So that leaves us with liar being the only explanation. The fact is Jimmy Carter is the worst ex-president since Teddy Roosevelt gallivanted across the American media landscape attacking Wilson and Taft. But at least Teddy didn’t give succor to America’s enemies like Carter does.

This seems like a rather non-sequitorial way to wrap up a column (Jimmy Carter is a big liar who reminds me of that Taft-bashing bastard, Theodore Roosevelt?), but as a student of Warner’s oeuvre, I recognize a common theme: he’s jealous of TR’s big stick, and the way our enemies want to succor it.

Behind the Subtext | 11 Comments »

I would be the worst friend in the world if I didn’t wish a happy milestone birthday to Scott, who is one of the most brilliant, kind, decent, creative, funny, compasionate, generous, thoughtful, people in the world. And since this is late, I guess I am. But the NY Times came through with an early birthday present — a new photo of Ann Coulter, along with a feature article about how a passe Ann is now marketing herself to the female impersonater community. Or something. Anyway, just for Scott, here are a few bits of that article:

Outflanked on Right, Coulter Seeks New Image

“I WROTE a new speech for the gays and I don’t have it memorized yet!” said Ann Coulter, as she ducked into a hallway in the Union Square apartment of the venture capitalist Peter Thiel on a recent Saturday night, flicking a half-empty packet of Habitrol gum between her fingers. She was there to speak at Homocon 2010, a party for the one-year anniversary of GOProud, the Washington-based advocacy group for gay conservatives.

For a right-wing, evangelical Christian who has made fun of homosexuals and opposes same-sex marriage, Ms. Coulter seemed awfully … game. Wearing a black lace-up cocktail dress and high black heels, she posed for a photograph with the founder of Boy Butter, a maker of sex lubricants.

Soon, she will be making TV commerials for them, if the money is right. (And yes, she is wearing a cross in the above photo.)

“Except for me, they [gays] are the most politically incorrect people you will ever meet,” said Ms. Coulter, 48, one recent evening over a glass of pinot grigio at a hotel bar after a speech in Raleigh, N.C.. Capitalizing on her flamboyant, anything-goes persona, she has gone so far as to describe herself as “the right-wing Judy Garland.”

Poor Judy. At least death has spared her this comparsion.

Well, I have to go right now – the orphan kittens are screaming, the dogs are eating the World’s Best Litter (made from corn, and apparently very tasty), and the blind cat is trying to sleep on the back of my neck. But here’s a birthday horoscope for Scott. Work on it until I get back.

IF OCTOBER 27 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You might get back in touch with your childlike wonder and feel younger than your years.

Early senility can do that.

You could have career aspirations that will come to fruition in April or to a lesser degree in July, but the important thing is to get in touch with the spiritual side of life.

In other words, you could starve to death waiting for those producers to get back you on that project.

Since you are more romantic at heart your love life may blossom especially in April and through the summer. Be creative and turn any deficit into an asset.

Make lemonade from lemons!
And, uh, why not organize an improv group and do guerilla theatre at the food court in your mall. Dress a little differently. Make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Or here’s an idea: toss a little cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and talk about your true inner feelings in an emotionally-charged, gut-wrenching, autobiographical account of your warped adolesence, and then watch the grant money come in. Whoooo! But don’t snap judge me.

Or, eat an apple: nature’s toothbrush. Ask Mr. Owl how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie center. Have you met everyone on your block? Now would be a nice time to start, doncha think? Hmmmm. In a classroom, slide your desks together and create an ecology symbol. Police the lives of those around you and get your sensibilities way the heck outta whack! Parade up and down the street in your underwear. Impose your ideas on others! It’s easy! Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look. You decide. You do it!

BIRTHDAY GUY: Actor Patrick Fugit was born in Salt Lake City on this date in 1982. This birthday guy’s film credits include “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant,” “White Oleander” and “Almost Famous.” No stranger to television as well, Fugit has guest-starred on episodes of “House M.D.” and “ER” — and his career began in 1998 with a small role on an episode of “Touched by an Angel.”

The only famous person they could come up with is “Patrick Fugit”??? Okay, this is officially the cheapest, tackiest birthday horoscope on the planet. Sorry about that. I did ask a real psychic to give me her predictions for you for the year, but she is still preparting her report, I guess. Either that, or she is waiting for my credit card number.

In any case, Happy Birthday! And I will be back with more special day wishes and photos later.

Birthdays | 23 Comments »

Since 1969, Pro-Am Catholic and professional noodge Judie Brown has been tackling women outside gynecologist’s offices and wrestling them for their zygotes.  But despite a valiant struggle, she may finally be succumbing to the frailties in the flesh, since she’s recently begun referring to herself in the third person, which usually means the patient is suffering from Stage 4 Bob Dole Disease.

Obama’s henchmen at the trough

What do pigs in a trough have to do with President Obama and his programs?  You might find the tie-in disturbing or, at the very least, disgusting. Judie Brown will help you see the link.

Scott Clevenger doubts you’re going to come up with anything other than tendentious, self-refuting claptrap, but Scott Clevenger is intrigued, and he will read on.

Just in case it is overlooked by the mainstream media, there are a few facts about pro-aborts that demand repeating.

Judie Brown often refers to those who believe a woman has a right to choose whether to bring a pregnancy to term as “pro-aborts,” and it seems unfair that we’re the only ones who get a cool, Newspeakish sobriquet, so I propose that from now on, we call folks like Judie who engage in anti-choice activities, “an-cho-vies.”

To start, the nation’s number one promoter of preborn child killing and promiscuity, Planned Parenthood, is a major player in Obama’s agenda.

I think MSNBC should adopt “the nation’s number one promoter of preborn child killing and promiscuity” as their new slogan.  Sure, it’s no “Fair and Balanced,” or “the most trusted name in news,” but it’s better than “Lean Forward.”  And what’s Planned Parenthood gonna do about it, walk into 30 Rock and abort Keith Olbermann?  Once you’re out of the womb, they can’t touch you!

It stands to grow fatter and even more scurrilous as time goes on — thanks to the Obama administration.

So much for Michelle Obama’s campaign to end the epidemic of childhood scurrilousness.

For example, Obama’s Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) is joining Planned Parenthood and The National Abortion Federation in a project designed to train abortion chamber worker in the Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances (FACE) Act. The goal of this training is quite obvious. By hosting these sessions, the idea is further embedded in the minds of abortion mill workers and volunteers that pro-life demonstrators could be a real threat to the thriving abortion business.

Oh pshaw, as my grandmother used to say, while picking off abortion providers from cover with her AR-30M Bolt Action Sniper Rifle, where would they get that idea?

the training guide produced by the pro-aborts is one-sided

There are two sides to every question, just as there are, strictly speaking, twos ends to a gun barrel.

Planned Parenthood is also praising the Obama administration for its Preventive Care regulations. In a prepared statement, the organization extols itself as the nation’s leader in reproductive health care. What seems to have pleased the death peddlers most of all is that their involvement and mobilization of grass roots supporters will ensure that women have access to all the services which help them “avoid unintended pregnancy.”

Whereas Judie knows that unintended pregnancies are the best kind, because it’s like God throwing a surprise party in your womb, except there’s one guest that won’t leave for nine months, and just lies around eating you out of house and placenta.  Intended pregnancies, on the other hand, suggest an infuriating sense of entitlement.  Why should a woman get a baby just because she wants one?  She might as well demand we give her a Porsche, or one of those sonic foot baths from the Sharper Image.  We’ve coddled these women and their uteri long enough, and with sky  high taxes and a huge deficit, the last thing we can afford to do is give in to the demands of Big Mother.

They opine, “Making prescription birth control easily accessible and affordable reduces the number of unintended pregnancies and, therefore, reduces the need for abortion.”

Talk about deceptive rhetoric!

It’s crazy talk!

A birth control chemical that works to kill a growing embryonic baby is certainly not a prescription for reducing anything, but rather for death. Suggesting that their marketable chemicals will reduce the need for abortion is like suggesting that avoiding cancer treatment will cure cancer.

Judie’s anti-abortion group is test marketing a couple of new slogans themselves:   “Fetus — It’s like a tumor,” and “Yes We Cancer!”

But when the purveyor of linguistic treachery is on the federal dole and sitting at the right hand of Obama, advising him, what does one expect?

Well we certainly can’t expect plain-spoken acts of linguistic loyalty like “pro-aborts,” although sitting at the right hand of Obama probably won’t make a difference either way, since he’s a lefty.

In case there weren’t enough reasons for cutting Planned Parenthood off at the knees so that our tax dollars no longer subsidize its self-fulfilling prophecies, this is one that takes the cake.

When your prophets are double-amputees, and yet they still manage to steal your baked goods, it’s time to start looking for tongue traitors.

The inevitable has become reality, and now we have the chief architects of the culture of death assisting the FBI in driving pro-life activists into an alley and ensuring that our children will be brainwashed from the moment they become part of a comprehensive education program that includes abortion, birth control and sexual preferences.

Their brains have not only been washed, as they say, they have been dry cleaned.  So now whenever your sixth grader hears the words “Planned Parenthood” and sees the Queen of Diamonds, she will immediately pop an RU-486 and shoot the president.

Disgusting? Sure it is. But pigs sloshing around in their own dirt have a habit of sullying everything in sight.

Damn pro-aporks.

Sunday Sermon | 31 Comments »

I’m very sorry for my lack of posting activity lately (and very grateful to Sheri for picking up the slack), but I unexpectedly produced a sequel to my herniated disc (a long-running smash in 2008) about a week and a half ago, and it’s made sitting at the computer a grump-inducing ordeal. However, I’m heavily medicated at the moment, so let’s exploit this brief respite from lucidity and see what the under-medicated folks at RenewAmerica are raving about today.

Dressing like a WWII German soldier on weekends proves how rich we are, by Warner Todd Huston

First of all, despite all the chest puffing by sports-freaks and rock-music geeks who want to say that Civil War and WWII reenactors are “weird,” the very fact that there are such things as reenactors at all — not to mention sports nuts or music fanatics — is proof that westerners are well off, rich if you will. The existence of Civil War and WWII reenactors is great evidence that the United States is a success.

You can identify a nation of winners by their large population of sore losers.

Warner Todd Huston in undated file photo.

But first, let’s face the facts.

Well, first let’s face a mock firing squad and pretend we’re helpless POWs being gunned down by SS troops, because it’s Malmédy Monday!  Woo hoo!   We’re all going out for beer and pizza after the war crimes.

Civil War and WWII reenactors are not any stranger than people that wear those silly looking bicycling clothes with the pointed hats and the skin-tight little pants.

The fact is, people dress up in facsimile uniforms and pretend to fight on behalf of slavery or genocidal totalitarianism for the exact same reason bicyclists wear shorts: because they don’t want to get their pants caught in the chain.

They are no goofier than those nut cases that paint themselves in their team colors and spend thousands of their hard-earned wages on time-wasting sports games.

Sure.  I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent sitting around with my buddies, playing Madden Fort Pillow Massacre on the Xbox.

Reenactors are no stranger than model railroaders

Assuming the HO-enthusiasts hook up little cattle cars to their Lionel locomotives and pretend they’re transporting Jews for “resettlement” in the East.

And that is just the thing, isn’t it? That Americans have so much spare money and time to waste on hobbies really does show how successful we are as a culture.

We’re so filthy rich we can afford to recreate the last war we won just so we can pretend to be the losers.  Seems a bit counterintuitive, but then I suppose it’s no stranger than being a misogynist transvestite.

Put it this way, how many people in poverty-ridden nations can spend $1,000 on a rifle

Well, if you’re a child soldier in, say, the Horn of Africa, they’ll often just give you a rifle.  But I can see where those Americans who, through an accident of birth, were deprived of a chance to commit atrocities would be glad to drop a grand on a Westworld-like simulation.

…or hundreds of dollars on clothing recreating those of 150 years ago or more?

Maybe it’s just me, but I suspect if “Reinhard” Iott had been caught swanning about in a whalebone corset and a hoop skirt instead of an SS uniform, he’d actually be doing better in the polls.

How many poor nations have people that can afford to buy a $2,000 bicycle, or year after year spend thousands on tickets to sporting events? Well, we can and we do.

Yeah, although folks who ride mountain bikes for exercise don’t — as a rule — also sew swastikas onto their Lycra bib shorts and video themselves pedaling around the woods with machineguns and dummy grenades.

Further, Americans aren’t the only ones. Many European nations have their own contingent of reenactors. England has thousands of reenactors of the Napoleonic era — they even reenact the English Civil War and Medieval eras.

And Roundheads are much more offensive than the Gestapo.  In fact, the Medieval Times restaurant chain is considering switching to a Third Reich theme, with the wait staff dressed as death camp inmates, because a lot of people felt the serving wench costumes were kind of tasteless.

But the truth is it is idiotic to assume that every reenactor fully accepts the ideologies, biases, and precepts of the ancients they are recreating. Civil War reenactors are not slavemongers. Germany army reenactors are not Jew killers.

When it comes to slavemongering and Jew killing, those who can, do.  Those who can’t, re-enact.

Can you find some that are a bit goofy here and there? Sure

Unfortunately, they’re mostly found on ballots.

As we know, comparatively speaking Americans are wonderfully rich. Rich enough not to have to worry about living hand to mouth for the most part.

Yes, never in our history have Americans felt richer, or more secure in their jobs.  Say what you want about the quality of Warner’s argument, you can’t argue with this timing.

They have time to indulge their hobbies.

Unemployment is a popular pastime, and I hear eviction is basically the new Hula-Hoop.

They have time to sit and dream of the past

Slavery and the Third Reich don’t have to be Lost Causes…as long as you keep them alive in your heart.

read books about history, or waste time listening to music, play chess, ride a bike just for fun and exercise (instead of it being their only form of transportation)

People who have to ride their bike to work can’t afford to spend the weekend pretending they’re making Lithuanian civilians kneel on the edge of a mass grave and shooting them execution style in the back of the head..

play sports and/or attend sporting events.

I thought this kind of thing was the backbone of American exceptionalism, just as Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eaton?  Young men are mentally toughened and physically tempered through the healthy rough-and-tumble of amateur sports, preparing themselves for the rigors of school, business, and other competitive environments?  But no, that’s a waste of money and as morally corrupt as wearing bike shorts!  In a wealthy, advanced country, the only proper use of parents’ spare time is in dressing their boys in paramilitary uniforms, infusing them with the martial spirit of their Teutonic forebears, and sending them out to drill and ape infantry maneuvers.  I bet Hitler wishes he’d thought to do that with his Youth.

So, sit back and think for a minute the next time you want to claim that reenactors are “weird.”

You misunderstand me, Warner.  I don’t regard “weird” as a pejorative.  I budget for weird, I embrace weird.  Weird is the default around here.  I merely claim that re-enactors are maladjusted bigots with a crippling fixation on past failures and grievances, who spend a lot of time and money compensating for the undersized Vienna Frank in their jodhpurs.

Ask yourself how weird it is that you can waste so much time on football, or baseball, or music, video games and movies. Then thank your lucky stars that you are an American and you have the free time and money to waste on such extravagances. And pray to God that Democrats don’t lay us so low that we truly are living hand to mouth like the poorest nations are forced to do.

Reenactors truly are a tribute to how great we are.

A nation’s greatness is measured by the strength of her pantomime Nazis.  Or as Charles Wilson put it in 1953, “What’s good for General Burkhalter is good for the country.”

Can I Peek Under Your Hood? | 47 Comments »

Riley: ZZZzzzz — Huh?  What…the hell is he…?

Riley: Great.  Just great.  I lay down for a nap and I wake up a Pushmi-Pullyu.

Wild Things | 12 Comments »

In which we attempt to answer the Google queries bringing the curious and the querulous to World O’ Crap.

I’m just going to warn you up front: our search strings seem to contain a bit more Hitler than usual this week, although we still have the Recommended Daily Allowance of boners, Batman, and gender confused cats.  Also, child-safe piranhas make their debut, thanks to D.Sidhe.

1.  take that hitler’s brain: Well this one is hard to answer, because a subtle difference in stress could completely change the meaning.  For instance, suppose Nazi doctor Josef Mengele made several clones of Hitler (as he did in The Boys From Brazil), but he only saved the brains (because as the movies have taught us, that’s what Nazis like to do.  My grandmother saved wrapping paper, Nazis save brains).  But then the Russians closed in on the Führerbunker, and he had to flee to South America, but he was limited to two carry-on items, otherwise the airline would charge him extra, and his briefcase was already filled with magazines, gum, pocket puzzles, and Sea & Ski, so he only had room to take one brain on the flight.  At some point he must have said to whichever lab assistant was doing his packing, “Take that Hitler’s brain.”

“This Hitler’s brain?”

“That Hitler’s brain!”

Or it could be a sort of triumphant one-upmanship.  Suppose they saved Hitler’s and Stalin’s brain, and while the two of them were floating in bell jars, waiting to be transplanted into fresh young bodies, they did some World War II re-enacting to pass the time, like Ohio Republican Congressional candidate Rich Iott.  Except, being disembodied, they couldn’t wear the authentic SS and Red Army uniforms and run around in the woods firing blanks at each other, so they just played Battleship.  But then Stalin’s brain nailed Hitler’s brain’s carrier in four straight turns, and shouted, “Take that, Hitler’s brain!”

2.  Hitler’s daughter: This is from the “Looking For…” section of Rich Iott’s eHarmony profile.

3.  penis cigar: Fine Coronas, Panetelas, and Perfectos from Dutch Masturbators®.

4.  boned ollie: After Kukla, Fran and Ollie were unceremoniously dropped from the CBS Children’s Film Festival in 1977, Fran Allison had a short-lived cooking show on PBS, best remembered for the fifth and final episode in which she got blasted on Holland House kitchen sherry and showed the audience how to fillet a puppet.

5.  zardoz vortex penetration: Don’t try this with a slipped disc.  Take it from me.

6.  ur intelligence is my common sence: What is, “Sarah Palin’s most lucid epigram”?

7.  scrotum inflation: I remember when my mom would give me two bits and send me down to the A&P to pick up a couple scrotums, and I’d still have enough left over for a Jawbreaker and a pair of wax lips.

8.  wine bat signal: This is the piercing beam of light that Ann Althouse shines into the night sky to alert the Liquor Barn delivery guy that her box of Franzia has started to suck air.

9.  ”does that sound racist?”: Andrew Breitbart doing a sound-check before a Tea Party event.  ”No?  Damn.  Can you give me a little more monitor up here?”

10.  define: loathsome: Okey doke.

Now we’d like to turn the algorithm over to our fellow Crappers, for a little Open Sourcery:

11.  piranha sqishey toy

12.  nose occupation

13.  Different sex of cats

14,  batman boner

15.  I pity the fool who leaves dog poop

For No Good Reason | 15 Comments »

“Email me, will they? Well, I’ll just kill myself! Then they’ll be sorry!”

Today Dr. Mike shares with us the fantasmagorical story of Eight Straight Suicides.

Officials on college campuses across the nation are alarmed at a wave of recent suicides involving Christians who have been harassed by homosexual activists. The main stream media isn’t covering the story so, as usual, I have taken it upon myself to do their jobs for them. None of the following eight cases have been covered by any of the three major news networks.

Probably because, you know, the Christians weren’t actually harassed and they really didn’t commit suicide. But hey, anything for a rhetorical point and a column.

Let’s cut to the most tragic case of all:

Mike was a professor in North Carolina. The director of the local LGBSTQQCCISA (Lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgendered, queer, questioning, completely confused, indecisively-sexed, and allied) Center kept sending him emails promoting LGBSTQQCCISA issues. The director of the LGBSTQQCCISA Center admitted that she did it to provoke him. He felt bullied. So he killed himself.

Finally, a Dr. Mike story with a happy ending and an inspirational moral!

But it was just a joke.

These eight cases are all true except for one thing: The Christians who were bullied by gays and gay activists are all still alive. Not a single one has committed suicide.

Because they are a superior race!

Anyway, kids, the point here is that if you are a college professor who writes hateful things about a group, and then somebody from that group sends you perfectly civil news releases about issues that you disagree with, if you feel provoked, then it should be just as newsworthy as if you were a child or teen who was criminally bullied and publicly shamed until you took your own life. And the fact that the MSM doesn’t treat it as such just proves that liberals control EVERYTHING and they are MEAN and IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!

And yes, of course the natural response to Mike’s cry for attention would be to tell him to go ahead and jump, but since he suffers from some kind of mental disorder (sure, he’s a sociopath, but he also shows signs of narcissim, borderline personality disorder, paranoia, and Dick Head disease), that wouldn’t be very nice. So, we can just hope that his past-due intervention causes him to accept the help he needs so much.

With Dr. Mike | 26 Comments »

Over at The Corner’s “Ricochet,” (which only sounds like a Western-themed gay bar on Santa Monica Boulevard), Pat Sajak, (whose surname only sounds like the catch phrase of a character from TV’s What’s Happenin’?) has the courage to point out the worm in America’s apple of freedom:  in 1960, the United States Congress passed an amendment to the Communications Act of 1934, making it illegal to “fix” quiz shows, but they have consistently failed since then to apply those same exacting standards to American democracy.

None of my family and friends is allowed to appear on Wheel of Fortune. Same goes for my kids’ teachers or the guys who rotate my tires. If there’s not a real conflict of interest, there is, at least, the appearance of one…So should state workers be able to vote in state elections on matters that would benefit them directly? The same question goes for federal workers in federal elections.

Pat makes a good point.  While the right to appear on a game show is a fundamental liberty enshrined in the Constitution, the right to vote is granted at the sole discretion of Merv Griffin Enterprises, and King World Productions.

I’m not suggesting that public employees should be denied the right to vote, but that there are certain cases in which their stake in the matter may be too great.

…to allow them to vote.

Of course we all have a stake in one way or another in most elections, and many of us tend to vote in favor of our own interests.

Unless we’re working class white people living in a red state and employed in an industry suitable for outsourcing.

However, if, for example, a ballot initiative appears that might cap the benefits of a certain group of state workers, should those workers be able to vote on the matter?

No, they should just lay down and take it.  If we start letting people defend their interests through the ballot box, it might depress ammunition sales.

Plainly, their interests as direct recipients of the benefits are far greater than the interests of others whose taxes support such benefits.

Of course, the workers in Pat’s example also pay taxes, so presumably they ought to have the same right to say how that money is spent as any other citizen — except when they themselves might benefit.  Which is why I recuse myself from voting on bond issues for schools, because I directly benefit from not being surrounded by idiots, and I never vote on gas tax initiatives, because I have a clear conflict of interest, what with how I drive and walk and ride bikes and cross bridges and basically just gorge myself on paved surfaces like a Roman emperor at a decadent feast.  Where they happened to be serving asphalt.  (I probably should have pulled out of that metaphor a little earlier.)

When you think about it, the only voter qualified to render an honest, disinterested judgment on government services is one who doesn’t use them; someone who doesn’t live in a city or unincorporated town, and who doesn’t benefit from sewers, roads, rural electrification, minimum wage laws, food and drug inspections, or national defense.  So basically, the only person who’s really entitled to vote in Pat Sajak’s America is the Unibomber.

I hope he remembered to fill out an absentee ballot, or Western Civilization is screwed.

Other things that annoyed me, since I’ve got a headache and feel crabby today:

The Washington Post hosted an online chat with Dan Savage about the project, and his efforts to decrease the terrible suicide rate of LGBT teens.  I would applaud a major newspaper for giving some much needed exposure to this cause, except nobody pays any attention to WaPo’s online Q&As; and because they want to “cover both sides” of the issue, they gave a column to Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council in which to defend the objectively pro teen suicide position.  For those who’d prefer not to get out of the boat, his argument essentially boils down to this:  ”Bullying has nothing to do with it.  These sodomites are just tormented by thoughts of my manroot — and how they can never have it! — so naturally they go crazy.  I would too, in their place.  Look on my batch, ye homos, and despair!”

And finally, there’s this:

Which a friend of mine says is evidence that the End Times are upon us, but which I regard as a sign that the world is clearly not ending fast enough.

My Country Right, Wrong or Decline to State | 20 Comments »