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Archive for January 29th, 2008

Vaginas Are The New Islamo-Fascism!

Posted by scott on January 29th, 2008

It wasn’t so long ago that the pages of World Net Daily shrieked about African-Americans recruited by Al Qaeda, jihadist plots to decapitate Britney Spears, and the shocking news that Iraqi terrorists frequently take a break from the insurrection to ape the culinary stylings of the witch from Hansel and Gretel. But even WND seems to have grown jaded, and none of that stuff really seems all that scary anymore — not while America’s youth is held hostage by rogue lady-parts!

From today’s WorldNutDaily:

Dance teacher has baby of boy, 13?
Woman indicted on 22 counts of aggravated sexual assault of child

WorldNetDaily Exclusive
The big list: Female teachers with students
Most comprehensive account on female predators on campus

WorldNetDaily Exclusive
Lust-filled women on sex rampage with your kids
What’s really behind today’s epidemic of teacher-student carnal relations.

Perhaps my experience was unique, but I remember all of my grade school teachers — some fondly, some less so — and while they were a diverse bunch, they all shared the quality of seeming, while in the classroom, to be distinctly lust-depleted. And if they ever did go on a rampage — which candor compels me to admit that occasionally they did — it was usually over my spelling, my penmanship, or my habit of doodling Snoopy in bondage in the margins of my book reports.

Anyway, it’s nice to know we can relax about that whole Clash of Civilizations thing and and get down to fighting the real foe. So fellas, do your patriotic duty tonight and ask your significant other (henceforth known as “enemy combatant”) if she’d let you occupy her Sunni Triangle.

Sometimes They Come Back

Posted by scott on January 29th, 2008

When it comes to riffing on bad movies, I’m a big believer in DIY. But even I, with a dual major in Film Studies and Wood Shop, will admit that some jobs are so dirty and complicated that it just makes good sense to call in a professional. Sure, they’re likely to ream you on labor and materials, and they never show up when it’s raining, but they’ve got the tools and the expertise to do the job right the first time. And to be honest, there are more than few movies that I feel should only be mocked by a licensed contractor.

So I was happy to hear that Joel Hodgson, creator of Mystery Science Theater 3000 has reunited with the original cast — Josh Weinstein and Trace Beaulieu, along with later additions Frank Conniff and Mary Jo Pehl — in a new “movie-riffing delivery system” called Cinematic Titanic. Their first release is The Oozing Skull (a 1972 schlocksploitationer originally entitled Brain of Blood, and directed by grindhouse habitué Al Adamson). Click below for the trailer.

We’ve seen the DVD, and while it’s no MST3K, for a pilot episode it’s pretty damn funny.

Meet Maxine, the GOP Elephant-Pig

Posted by s.z. on January 29th, 2008

To quote from my email from Robert M. “Mike” Duncan:

Dear Republican,

Meet Maxine, the newest member of the Republican National Committee.

Presumably, she’s a high-level member, because she’s so much smarter than everyone else there.

Embroidered with the official logo of the RNC, Maxine proudly shows off her allegiance to the Republican Party’s principles of lower taxes, a strong national defense, limited government and personal responsibility.

Because nothing says “I pledge my allegiance to lower taxes, war, screwing the poor, and to hell with everybody else!” than pink plush.

Anyway, you can get Maxine for a “donation” of $35 to the Republican • National • Committee .  As “Mike” says, “With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, Maxine makes a great gift for that special Republican in your life.”  So, if you want to get laid by a Republican on February 14th, you’d better get your order in soon.

Bam Bam and the Broom

Posted by s.z. on January 29th, 2008

As you know, President Bush delivered his final the State of the Union Is Not My Fault Address today.  So, let’s find out what two of our favorite Concerned Women For America, Janice “Mad at My Mop” Crouse and Matt “Bam Bam Barber,” have to say about totally unrelated stuff.

First, in “Men’s Hearts Can be Broken, Too,” Janice reveals the cause of Heath Ledger’s death: casual sex!

After discussing what Heath’s friends have reportedly said about his broken heart following his break-up from the woman he was possibly married to, (I guess the Beverly LaHaye Institute is conducting a research project on Hollywood gossip mags), Janice confides, “No one can know what was really going on in Heath’s life, and his tragic death is likely a accidental overdose of sleeping pills.”  But even if his death WAS an accident, that doesn’t mean that casual sex shouldn’t have to answer for it.

But in a culture where recreational sex is fast becoming the norm for young adults, tragic deaths like Heath’s (even when the cause is murky) should be a wake-up call. Conventional wisdom tells young people that casual sex is meaningless. Heath’s depression following the break up of his relationship with Michelle Williams is just one example of the fact that not even sexy hunks are exempt from broken hearts.

So, kids, Heath was depressed after his partner and/or wife left him, and then he later DIED, probably accidentally — and this proves that you shouldn’t sleep around because … um … just don’t do it, okay!

Now, here’s Matt ” Bam Bam” Barber, expanding from his “gay sex is icky” repertoire to jump on the “post abortive men” bandwagon,” because not even sexy hunks are exempt from broken hearts.

Women and Men Involved in Abortions Have Tremendous Impact on Debate

Washington, DC (LifeNews.com) — As Americans mourn 35 years of legalized abortion, some of the men and women involved in abortion decisions say the pain and regret from the abortion has prompted them to become strongly pro-life. These post-abortive men and women are the face of not only the pro-life movement but of the problems abortion causes.

Yes, they apparently have two faces: a bossy, controlling one and a whiny one.

Matt Barber, the director of policy and cultural issues for Concerned Women of America told LifeNews.com about his personal account of how abortion affects men.

“Abortion doesn’t only hurt women and kill children; it can also deeply wound the men it touches,” he says. “I’m sad to say that I know this from personal experience.”

“Along with the realization that a woman has chosen to end the life you helped to create, comes a profound sense of loss and guilt,” he explains.

Barber talks about the kinds of daydreams he has about the baby who could have been — and recounts experiences similar to women who terribly regret their abortions.

“I can’t know for sure, but I sometimes imagine my first child was a girl,” he said. Today she would have been about 22 years-old, finishing college, and, I suspect, ready to take on the world.”

Or, she would be the frustrated mother of four unwanted children, married to an underemployed, abusive drunk.  I suspect that she became sexually active at a young age as an act of rebellion against her controlling father — but, because she had never been taught about birth control, got pregnant at age 15, and with abortion not being an option, was forced to marry the guy who knocked her up.  And her life really sucks now, poor thing.

“Perhaps I’d be walking her down the aisle soon. I can’t know. I’ll never know. Only God knows. My child was torn from this world before anyone could know,” he concludes.

I can feel Matt’s pain.  See, I too know the pain of not getting invited to your imaginary child’s wedding.  I hope that Matt can find peace the way I did: by spiritually adopting a bunch of other people’s fetuses and signing them all up for memberships in the National Organization of Women.