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Archive for January 4th, 2008

Committee To Re-Elect The Savior

Posted by scott on January 4th, 2008

Now that the results of the Iowa caucuses have been tabulated, it’s apparent that America has taken its first step toward elevating a fundamentalist cleric to the highest office in the land, thus paving the way for our eventual anschluss with Iran. Still, some pundits are miffed that Iowa Republicans chose to anoint the apostle rather than the messiah; or, as Felicia Benamon put it in her latest Renew America column:

Vote Jesus Christ in 2008!

I’m not saying this in the sense that one should vote for Jesus Christ at the polls, although the thought does linger with me to vote Jesus Christ as a write-in.

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal spoiler candidate?

The US is facing trouble, but the current crop of presidential candidates are not going to solve our problems. Every man is imperfect.

Yeah! Why don’t we get a woman candidate for a–Oops. No. Check that.

I have, however noticed one presidential candidate who seems sincere about returning to our lost values as a country and picking up the traditions that have been stomped on in past years. That person is Alan Keyes.

I’m a little ashamed to admit that I never realized that Alan Keyes and Jesus Christ were the same person. But then, I didn’t figure out that Michelle on Full House was being played by twins until the third season.

I have noticed Alan Keyes’s position on the issues and his fevered attitude of revering our Christian heritage. He’s a strong conservative, but one question lingers with me… if he is elected as president, will he stand strong on his Christian convictions through his entire term(s) in office?

Oh probably. After all, Reagan had his daily nap, George Bush sets aside time each day to exercise, I see no reason why a President Keyes shouldn’t keep the Iraqi Prime Minister waiting because it’s three o’clock and he’s got to get through an hour and a half of fevered reverence before he can even think about the war.

Plus, if Alan Keyes were president, it’s a good bet that the sun has turned black, the moon blood red, and four mighty angels have been loosed from the great river Euphrates to slay a third of mankind, and that sort of thing really helps to keep you grounded.

As a majority of us in America are Christians, I would implore Christians everywhere to vote for Jesus. Vote for Jesus to guide you…in your heart. Allow Him to direct you as to what candidate you should support.

Also, ask him for investment tips, and let him pick out that new wallpaper for the guest bedroom — it’s not like he’s busy.

It seems that conservatives are all over the map as to whom they will support. And many are throwing their support around shaky top tier candidates who are not strong on conservative issues. That is worrisome. Why would conservatives back a candidate because he seems popular in the Republican Party? It makes no sense.

It’s almost like they care more about winning than they do about Jesus!

Again, we should be looking to Jesus Christ to lead us in every aspect of our lives.

Why, Jesus helped pay my way through vocational school, and taught me how to drive a stick!

He knows what’s best for us. So, shouldn’t we seek His direction on who we should cast our ballots for in the presidential race?

That George W. Bush recommendation came up roses, didn’t it?

Whoever we vote for will have a significant chance to lead our nation, and this person will have an effect on the way we live. I hope people realize this.

News to me. I always thought the post of President of the United States was more ceremonial, like the Grand Marshall of the Hollywood Christmas Parade, or that guy who reads the proclamation in Punxsutawney on Groundhog Day.

Confused about the candidates? Let the Lord Jesus Christ guide you.

For His amazing free pamphlet, send a self addressed stamped envelope to Christ on the Candidates!, Pueblo, Colorado, 81001.