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Archive for January 21st, 2008

In his latest Townhall ejecta, Pastor Doug Giles takes an uppity black man to task for whistling at his white Jesus.

Barack Hussein Obama (or B-HO, as I like to call him)…

“…in public. Behind closed doors I prefer to call him ‘Mandingo,’ or ‘Brown Sugar.’”

…charismatically and emphatically denied reports this week that he is a closeted Muslim and instead declared candidly and with youthful verve that he believes in Jesus Christ.

But Doug isn’t about to let this strapping young buck jack his Jesus!

Brian Williams and Mark Cuban, both carrying parasols…

Oh Doug, you bitch.

…were sitting in the crowd during that news conference, and it has been reported that when B-HO gave this statement regarding his faith that they let out a shriek, threw their panties at him, and then swooned.

Because they’re coo-coo for cocoa poufs.

Yep, this week the junior state senator made it clear that he is not a Muslim but a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. Y’know, the Jesus Christ who’s totally cool with:

1. Abortion being available to mommy in all nine months of her pregnancy

Has anyone managed to source a quote to the savior on this, because Lexis-Nexis is givin’ me bupkiss here…

2. Parents not being notified when their 13 year-old girl goes in for an abortion

Well, Yeshua ben Yosef (or YEB-YO! as I like to call him) was a Jew, and girls come of age at 12 in his faith, so he was probably cool with them buying cigarettes and liquor, too.

3. Opposing any and all bans on partial birth abortion (an act that includes delivery of the baby up to the head, the crushing of the baby’s noggin, the vacuuming of the brain matter and then completed delivery of the child’s deflated cranium)

You know, the Messiah-in-Chief has seemed oddly reluctant to go on record about this issue, but according to leaks from senior White Sepulchre staffers, Jesus feels that if a child dies in the womb, the woman should be required to squeeze it out vaginally anyway in punishment for her lack of hospitality.

4. Advancing the radical homosexual activist lobby in their pursuit to destroy traditional marriage and voting against the defense of traditional marriage

Dude, take a breath! Nobody’s gonna be advancing no fancy gay agenda while there’s still a Texas cowboy in the Oval Office!

(you know, that old Adam and Eve thing God came up with in Genesis?…

Oh Doug, honey, no, you’re not ready for an allegory yet. Start with a parable, try a fable or two, and if that stays down then you can work your way up to Genesis.

…Well, that’s so yesterday with B-HO’s Jesus and his Church of the New Groove)

Remember: Friends don’t let friends talk like the hippies from Star Trek.

5. The creation of “special rights” for people who engage in homosexuality for the sole purpose of putting them at the front of the line on issues of employment, housing and litigation

“Sorry, Bob. You know I’m straight, but I’ve just got to get on the court calendar for March. Bend over.”

6. The advancement of all “hate crimes” legislation, which ultimately could be used to silence pastors who believe—according to their own convictions—that homosexual behavior is . . . uh . . . wrong . . . and preach the same from biblical texts

Not that Doug’s mentioning any names here, but…

7. The continued funding of Planned Parenthood clinics in our nation’s inner cities, which are performing genocide against the populations of African Americans living there.

If you need to find a Planned Parenthood location, just look for the tall crematory smokestacks towering overhead, belching black baby fumes into the sky. But do you hear Al Gore bitching about how millions of vaporized fetuses are adding to Global Warming? (To be fair, many of the abortion clinics have recently tried to reduce their footprint by trading carbon credits with Duke Energy.)

8. B-HO going to a church that propagates anti-white, anti-American and anti-Jewish blather, zany 9/11 “was our fault because we’re racists” rancor, and a “black value system” (Hello! Can you imagine if a white guy did this?)

I did imagine it, but a guy named Bob Jones beat me to the Patent Office.

—all via a pastor who has hung out with Qaddafi and honors Louis Farrakhan. Isn’t that special?

Doug, do you really want people to hear the Church Lady in their heads when they read your column? Because I’ll be honest, it’s usually a constant struggle not to.

It has to be that “Jesus” whom B-HO follows because the one clearly defined in Scripture wouldn’t put up with that crap for a nanosecond.

As Kanye West said, “Jesus Christ doesn’t care about black people.”

C’mon, Barack. You can’t play the Billy Graham I’m-a-solid-Christian-man card when your voting record and your church’s manifesto are that vapid toward biblical verities.

Your Billy Graham impression is crap, man! If I may make a suggestion…try conking your hair and getting into an anti-semitic conversation with the President.

As far as I’m concerned, B-HO is to Christianity what Michael Jackson is to heterosexuality: He might be one, but he’s certainly not the poster child for the cause. I’ll give him that much.

Because at least he can pass the paperbag test.

You know, when I watch Obama and the other secular “progressives” queue up to play the Christ card, it takes me back to John Kerry in 2004 when he tried to convince gun owners and hunters that he was Nimrod.

The only way Obama and his followers can keep Christ and their liberal credo is to blow off huge chunks of the Bible and replace Scripture with the make-believe notions of SP’s new malleable “Gumby Jesus” who offers “suggestions” instead of thundering commandments.

Excuse me, Pastor, but have you brushed up on your Beatitudes lately? You know, “blessed are the poor,” “the meek,” “the merciful,” “the pure of heart,” “the peacemakers”…The “thundering commandments” were mostly in the first volume, and while I know you Bible nerds insist the OT is the shit, and the NT is a weak-ass sequel that totally wimped up the main character in an effort to appeal to a wider audience, you have to admit, it’s still canonical, and not a hoax or imaginary story.

By the way, you’re about to get a cease and desist letter from Bill O’Reilly for ganking his “SP” shtick.

The giddy, in love with B-HO Christian skipping around the maypole wearing rose-colored glasses needs to understand something: If it were left up to the punch drunk secular Left, evangelical Christians would officially be SOL in the USA, fo’ shizzle my nizzle.

I am a lot of things, Doug, but I am not your nizzle.

How a true believer in Christ (as defined by Scripture)…

“…Well, the Old Testament. The one He’s not in. Look can we just move on??”

…can say he or she believes in what Jesus, the prophets and apostles said and side with such a liberal politico simply because he is “charismatic and youthful” is beyond me.

And that goes double for that priest-ridden Papist JFK!

I’d love to have an evangelical Christian (as classically defined) who backs Obama wade in here on the comment thread and defend (biblically):

And by that he means, you have to use Doug’s copy of the bible, including his margin notes and doodles of the savior’s penis.

1. Obama’s voting record on life and marriage

2. his allegiance to a clearly anti-white, anti-Semitic, anti-American pastor/congregation

3. why B-HO, if he doesn’t buy into what his minister of mayhem propagates, doesn’t officially leave the congregation and disassociate himself from his mad maharishi and his bigoted beliefs?

C’mon . . . hit me with your best shot.

Sorry, DU-GI. I might take on Pat Benatar, but otherwise, my Daddy taught me not to hit girls.