I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by work at the moment and don’t have sufficient excess vim to give the wingnauts a thorough exam, so I thought I’d just grab a pencil flash and a cotton swab and check the interior of their mouths for cankers, abscesses, and inflamed punditry.
Obama and the Reagan Doctrine, by Dinesh D’Souza: “In his debate with John McCain, Barack Obama’s attempted to portray the Bush administration as a complete failure both in domestic and foreign policy. This argument, however, is running into one big problem: Bush’s Iraq policy appears to be succeeding.”
Paging King Pyrrhus…Pyrrhus of Epirus to the white courtesy phone, please…
Obama’s Salary Should be Applied to Bailout $$$, by Nina May, who says Barack Obama has not been showing up to work, so we, his supervisors, should fire him, but he’s black so we’d probably get sued, but let’s at least dock his salary and give him a written warning in the form of a ballot with the words “John McCain” written on it. Oh, and abortion doctors at Planned Parenthood are sacrificing fetuses to Mammon to pay for their subprime mortgages, so we should take away their government funding and give it to Wall Street. Also, let’s close some of those government agencies and sell off their office furniture and telephone equipment. Like HUD! All that bunch does is force Christians to rent rooms to Negroes and homosexuals, so nobody’s gonna miss that. And the Department of Energy; all they do is tell me I can’t take my kids to the beach for a day of romping in the surf and drilling for oil. Look, the money we save from renting philodendrons and buying fax paper for the FDA will cover the costs of bailing out AIG alone!
No Cheers for the Bailout: Ron Paul Interview, by Bill Steigerwald: The McCain campaign won’t let me talk to Sarah Palin, but I did manage to snag a plum interview with a lonely crackpot who wants to return America to the gold standard. Guess what? Doctrinaire libertarians are opposed to nationalizing the banks!
McCain’s Navy, by Harry R. Jackson, Jr.: I have no idea what the title of my own article means. But I do know this — if John McCain doesn’t summon all his septugenarian strength and continue to act like a desperate, crazily erratic, and mean-spirited old prick, a whole generation of young conservatives are in danger of losing their idealism.
How to Solve the Gas Panic, by Neal Boortz: I’ve discovered that finding an open gas station at 3:30 A.M. can be inconvenient, so I guess I agree there’s an oil crisis. But don’t panic; and remember that in this situation, as in all previous oil crises, there is only one moral response: price gouging.
McCain’s Trump Card, by Dick Morris and date: McCain stupidly failed to oppose the bailout during the debate, despite previously suspending his campaign and making a huge show of returning to Washington with the stated goal of facilitating the negotiations and ensuring a bailout. He’s a stupid, stupid man. But his running mate does have lovely feet.
Well, looks like my Petri dish runneth over. More later.