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Archive for September 12th, 2008

Happy Birthday, S.Z.!

Posted by scott on September 12th, 2008

(And coincidentally, this is post number 1000, since moving to our own domain.)  Words are inadequate to describe the smartest, funniest, most decent and humane person I know, so here’s a picture of Ann Coulter getting a head start on her next Lost Weekend:

coulterwine2.jpg

Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like candid photos of a mean-spirited, supercilious skank sporting a black cocktail dress at an outdoor, midday event, and pounding down Pinots in a desperate effort to silence the howling void that is her own dark soul.  I mean, I guess Hallmark would say it more literally, but without the festive touch of nihilism.

On This Date in History:  In 490 B.C., the Athenian army defeated the Persians at the battle of Marathon, giving birth to a monumental test of human endurance that has persisted down through the ages, and still annoys people by screwing up traffic in Los Angeles every March 1st.  Now here’s your Cosmic Calendar Horoscope for September 12:

Hold Everything!

The Planets are Going Out of Business!  No Reasonable Offer Refused!  Everything Must Go!

The universe may be shifting its game-plan from a cat-and-mouse routine to a shock-and-awe campaign.

Although some cats warn that intelligence painting the mice as an “imminent threat” may prove faulty.

You’ve got to prepare for surprises, shock waves and a whole lot of unpredictability since the Sun in Virgo makes its annual polarity to Uranus in Pisces (7:22PM PDT).

Apparently Virgo’s going to Spring Break.  Whooo!

Since the morning and afternoon hours are all building up to this blockbuster sky pattern, you may feel like you are on the edge of your seat for most of the day.

So is Pastor Swank picking up a little cash on the side writing horoscopes?

Luckily, the Moon in high-minded and volunteer-oriented Aquarius is making flowing trine links to Mars (6:15AM PDT), Venus (6:48AM PDT) and Mercury (8:47AM PDT) — all of which are in the creative and artistic sign of Libra. Plunge into beloved hobbies and crafts with exuberance.

The Cosmos urges you to take up scrapbooking.

Healing forces are definitely on the march — courtesy of the monthly union of the Moon and Chiron (8:48AM PDT) followed by a harmonious trine between Mercury and Chiron (9:32AM PDT).

But beware, for all of these mergers are being driven by an irrational exurberance on Wall Street.

This is one of those days when golden opportunities are knocking across the board even though uncertainty is often in the catbird seat.

Actually, Swank makes a little more sense when he’s writing about astrology.

Money-making ventures may be on the horizon since Venus connects to Pluto via a stimulating quintile formation (6:51PM PDT).

But you can still get arrested for it in Texas and Alabama.
Have a wonderful day, Sheri.  Thanks for the witty social criticism, the bad movies, and most of all, for being a great, great friend.

Birthdays | 21 Comments »

Lipstick on Womb Humans

Posted by s.z. on September 12th, 2008

Either I am getting crabbier, or wingnuts are getting stupider.  Or both, with the second possibly influencing the first. 

Anyway, today we will look a few choice tidbits o’ dumb from the right.  First, here’s part of an email I received today from Newsmax:

Vicious Sarah Palin Attacks Must Be Responded To

We must respond to Sarah’s vicious attacks on innocent moose and other wildlife, or next thing you know, she’ll be shooting cute little puppies and kittens!  Let’s show her that this is the kind of thing up which we will not put!

Dear Newsmax Reader:As John McCain has soared in the polls after picking Sarah Palin, the Obama campaign has engaged in a vicious smear campaign against her. Obama has likened her to a “pig with lipstick”

In that anytime anyone talks about livestock and lip rouge, they must be referring to Sarah Palin, because she holds the patent on lipstick references.

. . . and the Wall Street Journal reports that 300 liberal journalists have descended on Alaska in an effort to dig up dirt on her.

Obviously, dirt-digging being the only reason any journalist would ever visit Alaska.

You can help defend Sarah Palin from such vicious attacks.

Because she’s just a frail, weak woman, and she needs a big, strong man like you to protect her from nasty liberals who would use quaint metaphors to disparage her Republican policies.

Our sponsoring advertiser, the Republican Majority Campaign, has an urgent message below on their national TV campaign to defend Sarah and expose Barack Obama.

Bottom line: they want me to give them $5000 to defend poor Sarah by “revealing the sordid truth” about Obama, in particular his ”despicable association with his friend William Ayers,” “an anti-American, traitorous radical who will stop at nothing to push his hateful communist agenda.” Appropriately enough, the appeal comes from one “Gary Kreep.”

And over at Renew America, “homemaker and mom” Helen Valois just isn’t buying the claim that the tarted-up sow who doesn’t have any new economic ideas isn’t Sarah.  In her column “Barack Obama: messiah or Mr. Magoo?” she claims that the proof of Obama’s guilt is that his staff was able to quickly “cite the last time John McCain had used the selfsame verbiage.”  You can’t argue with logic like that!  So, here’s Helen:

But let’s just say, for the sake of the argument, that Barack really didn’t realize that his intonation of the hackneyed old political cliché about “lipstick on a pig” might possibly, at this particular point in our common dialogue, seem offensive to some.

To porcine-Americans???

Let’s say there truly wasn’t a Palin-shaped cloud in his mental sky when those words issued leg-tinglingly forth from his parted lips.

Please, let’s not say that, because we’ll sound really, really stupid if we do.

Let’s say that the assembled audience — as culturally oblivious, evidently, as their leader himself — laughed and cheered because they were utterly unfamiliar with the supposedly standard expression, and found it wonderfully witty and incisive instead.

Because if we say that the audience just agreed that “maverick reformer” McCain sounds an awful lot like all the Republicans who got us into our current mess, then it will leave Helen without a point for her column.

Let’s just say that all of that could possibly be the case. Where would we be then?

Not making a big deal about a folksy saying?

Would we really want, as leader of the free world, a man who hasn’t the slightest notion of what is going on right under his own nose? If the Democratic presidential contender, presumably immersed in the ins-and-outs of the current race, truly failed to register the way Sarah Palin’s acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention deeply resonated with his fellow Americans, what offense might he inadvertently give in dealing with the leaders of foreign nations?

Yes, if Obama could inadvertently hurt Sarah’s feelings by mentioning a pig in one of his speeches, just imagine the damage he could do to international relations by talking about other barnyard creatures!

The spectre of Barack “Sweetie” Obama interacting unsupervised with, say, the worthies of China or North Korea arises shudderingly before the eye of the imagination. Would we have to have a member of his administration specially appointed to clue him in about things like bowing to the Japanese, or not making watermelon allusions in Harlem?

Maybe Helen could get the job of advising Obama on how not to offend African-American sensibilities, because she seems really culturally attuned to stuff like that.

And speaking of masters of interracial sensitivity, here’s Pastor Swank, who wants to share with us a sermon on Jeremiah Wright’s affair with another’s white wife.

Elizabeth Payne, 37, told media that Jeremiah Wright, 67, coupled with her for an affair.

And it was probably a sex affair!

The illicit relationship caused the woman her marriage to Fred Payne.

So, it was an illicit relationship with Jerimiah Wright that caused Elizabeth and Fred to enter the blessed state of matrimony.  What a nice story to tell their children!

Oh, wait, I think the pastor meant that the affair COST Elizabeth her marriage.  Never mind.

This is the same Jeremiah Wright who preached to thousands in his political-plant known as a United Church of Christ (Congregational) in Chicago, all the while being surrogate father / mentor to B. Hussein Obama.

And this is the same B. Hussein Obama who, under the assumed named of Barack Obama, goes around making fun of pigs.  The plot thickens!Tune in tomorrow for any further developments in the matter of the pig/Sarah Palin/white wife coupling affair.  This could be the most important story of the century!

Uncategorized, Wingnuts | 21 Comments »