You undoubtedly know “Coach” Dave Daubenmire, either from Sadly, No!, or perhaps as the guy who screamed at you to take a lap, then sneered and called you a “lady” until you successfully climbed the rope in the gym. And for your own sake I certainly hope you got the lead out, because the coach will brook no excuses, whether it be athlete’s foot, menstrual cramps, lazy eye, or psychosomatic Blackness.
Hypochondria—extreme depression of mind or spirits often centered on imaginary physical ailments.
Afro-chondria—extreme depression of mind or spirits often centered on imaginary social ailments
Dichondra–leafy perennial that was a popular substitute for Bermuda grass in Southern California, until homeowners began to notice that their lazy, shiftless lawn was just laying around, collecting welfare.
So, because he is black all of the white people hate him. Is that we are supposed to believe?
Dave sort of leaped into the middle of his diatribe here, but I assume by “he,” the Coach means Obama, or possibly Ruben Studdard.
Even though millions of white Americans voted for Obama we are now fed media reports that white folks are against him because of his skin color.
Well, there were millions of white folks who didn’t vote for Obama in 2008, and it seems likely that any white people who are now “against him because of his skin color” are probably members of the latter group. At least, that’s what Obama would deduce, if only because he, like Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown, has Occam’s Razor in his shoe.
I actually dislike the “white” side of him even more…
Because people are born black, they can’t help it. But like homosexuality, turning race traitor is a choice.
and you won’t “you racist” me into an apology. I am sick and tired of seeing race used as an excuse for incompetence.
I understand Coach Dave’s irritation. It’s unfair that we white people can’t pardon our incompetence with trendy rationalizations like “race,” and have to fall back on threadbare old excuses like “alcoholism,” or, “my dad was president, and I’m a legacy.”
(I suppose it is right about here that I need to throw out the I-am-not-a-racist-disclaimer that the race-hustlers have made part of any discussion about Negroes in America…
I liked Negroes in America, Tony Kushner’s 1975 blaxploitation film, but I just didn’t buy Roy Cohen as the Mack Daddy pimp.
you do remember when they used to call them Negroes, don’t you?
Yes, I believe it was 30 years ago in the United States, and 30 seconds ago in the Daubenmire household.
Well, I refuse to do it…even though the President is one of the few to whom the phrase “Afro” actually applies. It is the “American” part that I am having trouble with.)
“I’m not giving up another word that starts with N! These people are insatiable!”
I am sure some of you are very uncomfortable right now.
No, I’m good, actually; but then, I planned ahead. I always said to myself, “if I’m ever invited to a Klan meeting, I’m wearing my 300 count percales.”
That’s ok. You see, I am one of the few dinosaurs remaining in America who have not given over the use of the English language to the thought police. As any good umpire would tell you, I call them as I see them.
…through a glass, darky.
It is time to stop making excuses for “oppressed” blacks. The President of the United States is black.
Which means that no black people are oppressed, and all black people are technically President of the United States, which explains why so many of them drive nice cars.
There are more posters of black athletes hanging on the walls of suburban white kids in America than there are pictures of white guys adorning the walls of black kids in the ghettos.
And despite Mattel’s efforts to meet ghetto-dwellers halfway, only a handful of little Negro girls can be seen playing with new Drop of Blood Barbie. Sales figures for her sidekick, Stockholm Syndrome Skipper have also been disappointing in inner city areas.
Upwards of ninety percent of blacks voted for a black man for President.
When they could have voted for this guy!
Doesn’t that have a tinge of racism?
And more than a touch of irony, considering McCain’s teeth are “high yellow.” Joke’s on you, ghetto-denizens!
If ninety percent of white voters had voted for the white guy the African wouldn’t be president. Somebody explain to me how racism has held Obama back.
More importantly, someone explain to the Coach how racism, which has been so effective in holding black people back since the Colonial era, suddenly dropped the ball in 2008. Was it just a one time case of leaving it in the locker room; racism was having a bad night; it was the kind of thing that could happen to any ism? Or was cheating involved? Did racism take a dive because it was in to the Mob for fifty large? Or were the officials bribed to look the other way, allowing the opposing team to bring in this ringer from Africa?
Isn’t labeling the Tea Party as “racist” stereotyping? I thought that was a bad thing. Heck, we can’t even call the terrorists “Muslim” anymore. Well this is one guy who has had enough of it.
It’s good to see the Coach has finally hit on an effective method of civil disobedience. Previously, when denied the language of mid-century typology, this one guy threatened to hold his breath until he turned blue. But nobody cared, and he wound up holding it until he turned navy blue, which in a certain light can be confused with black, and makes it hard to match your socks. Instead, he will simply refer to himself in the third person until everyone agrees to refer to them as “Negroes,” “Coloreds,” or “decorative blackamoors.”
So, I would like to introduce a new phrase into the American lexicon today.
AFRO-CHONDRIA–the belief that anything bad that happens to a black American is a result of the color of the skin.
I see the Coach has adopted Michael Savage Weiner’s “Liberalism is a Mental Disorder” theory, but refined and expanded it by adding “melanin” to the DSM IV. This looks like fun, so I hope no one minds if I also toss a neologism into the pot:
LYNCH-PHOBIA–the irrational belief, most often experienced while undergoing an extra-judicial hanging by a group of white men, that you have somehow been singled out for persecution.
I love sports. It is the one place where the law of the jungle truly holds sway. Survival of the fittest is the honor code on the athletic field. In fact, if we will be honest, ALL races believe that Negroes are better athletes. The sheer statistical numbers bear that out.
Coach Daubenmire: Creationist in daily life, but a Darwinist on the playing fields of Eatin’.
Where is white affirmative action in sports? I’d love to be raking in all of that NBA money. But I can’t…not because of my skin color…but because I can’t jump.
..because of your skin color.
Performance is expected on the athletic field, while “special favors” are expected off of it. One makes it in the NFL BECAUSE of his race, while race is somehow a handicap off of the field.
So it all works out even. Racial discrimination off the field is just nature’s way of making poor black kids financially compensate white people for all the money they’re paying Kobe Bryant, thereby restoring balance to the Force.
Obama’s performance stinks. Who cares what color he is, unless of course, you are an Afro-Chondriac who would argue that his performance is great but our perception of it is influenced because we are racists. Poor guy. It is obvious that black guys can’t make it in America. (You listening LeBron?)
Coach Daubenmire isn’t against Obama because he’s Black. He’s against him because all the Blacks are for him! It’s a subtle difference.
Wake up folks. Racism is dead.
Well, it’s dead in the way Jason is always dead in the penultimate scene of a Friday the 13th movie, so it’s sort of an affirmative action death.
Oh, there are little pockets of it here and there, but the greatest wave of racism can be found in the black community.
That’s why it’s best to keep them penned up in ghettos. It’s not segregation, it’s a quarantine.
Being a racist is socially acceptable in the black community. Can you even imagine the ridicule that would ensue if John McCain had blamed his defeat on his race? “I lost because my white heritage has conditioned me to compromise my beliefs so that others will accept me.”
Well, it would be far from the craziest thing McCain has ever said. But I give credit to Coach Dave — when he lost a Republican Congressional primary in Ohio, he didn’t even consider putting the blame on his fondness for late 19th century eugenics.
Euro-Chondria is not accepted as a legitimate disorder. Only blacks can blame their difficulties on their skin color.
So all you White screw-ups, also-rans, and ne’er-do-wells: drop your Coppertone and start slathering on the mahogany wood stain!
(Isn’t it refreshing to hear some speak the Truth?)
I haven’t felt this refreshed since the last time I used a Fleet enema.
I love black people…oops…I love people…even black ones.
Well. That truth-speaking thing didn’t last long, did it? Back to the drug store…
I have coached some remarkable young black men in my life. Not one of the great one’s ever made an excuse. They accepted the fact that most blacks liked blacks better than whites and that most whites liked whites better than blacks.
Coach Daubenmire leads his team with the same approach he takes to doing the laundry. Sure, like most men he would prefer to simply throw it all in one load and start the machine, but he takes that extra time to first separate the whites and the colors.
Afro-Chondria is one of the greatest obstacles that black-Americans face. Playing along with their imaginary illness may make one seem more compassionate, but it still leaves the patient feeling sick and dependant.
Those four Sunday School students at the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church in Birmingham would have been fine after the bomb went off if they’d just gotten up and walked it off.
It is time to stop perpetuating the big lie. Blaming the Boogie Man of white racism never forces one to deal with the real problem.
Which is Black racism. And it’s a serious problem that’s only getting worse, because while White people have most of the guns, one of their guys has access to nuclear weapons. If we don’t get some Dirk Nowitski posters up in ghetto bedrooms soon, we’re screwed.