• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!



    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

Archive for October 6th, 2009

Dumb and Dumber

Posted by scott on October 6th, 2009

I know we just paid a visit to Selwyn Duke the other day, but I glanced at his latest column and couldn’t help but be charmed by the fulminating contempt for his own masochistic readership.  I mean, usually it’s just us he calls stupid, but this week Selwyn is fed up with everybody’s inability to keep up with his 12th Level Coluan intelligence.

Do not blame Barack

Contrary to what my title indicates, I probably judge Barack Obama more harshly than most reading this page. I don’t think he is just a misguided ideologue or merely a creature of expediency. I believe, practically speaking, that he is an evil man. That is to say, while he is largely ignorant like so many others, he has developed an affinity for evil.


The ignorance of lesser humans is a constant source of irritation for Selwyn.  It’s probably a good thing he didn’t go into Evil himself, because you just know he’d be the kind of supervillain who would be so busy bemoaning the stupidity and incompetence of his henchmen, and bitching about how the minds of his enemies are too feeble to grasp what he has accomplished that he wouldn’t actually accomplish anything.  And frankly, unless you’re a Magyar with a thick accent and a respectably-sized atomic robot, that kind of thing just sounds lame.

Yet, to be blunt, Obama doesn’t alarm me as much as the average American.

“Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love – they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”  Meanwhile, after 233 years the United States has produced Dancing with the Stars, credit default swaps, and RenewAmerica.

Barack Obama is only one man. A bad man, yes, but he is a symptom more than a cause. Without millions of fawning Americans, he would just be a community agitator, vainly preaching Alinsky principles from a soapbox. Of course, he is a symptom that exacerbates the underlying problem, and symptomatic treatment — to ease immediate pain and hardship — is certainly in order. But it is only the worst of physicians who focuses only on symptoms while ignoring the cancer eating away at the patient’s midst.

i remember when my uncle was diagnosed with cancer of the midst.  The doctors had to remove his betwixt and part of his between.

Some of us lament the presence of self-professed communists such as Van Jones — and other assorted intellectual mutants, such as Cass Sunstein and John Holdren — in government, and how we elected a man who broke bread with self-professed communists such as Bill Ayers. But why complain now? We’ve had self-professed communists such as Bill Ayers — and other assorted intellectual mutants, such as Ward Churchill, Cass Sunstein and John Holdren — in academia for many decades.

If you require further proof of Selwyn’s non-mutant intellectual superiority, note his clever use of poetic repetition — or, as literary theorists refer to it, “losing your place in the paragraph.”

Has Christmas not become completely commercialized? How many of us say grace with our families before meals? How many of us pray every day? How many Americans subscribe to the modern perversion of the “separation of church and state” idea? How many of us say “God Bless” upon parting? Have the majority of American “Christians” not descended into moral relativism?

I believe this is the point in the show where Linus walks onto the stage of the auditorium and says, “Lights, please.”

We also have to ask how serious most Americans really are about respecting the Constitution. Here’s a little test for them: Are you willing to give up your Social Security in the name of constitutional adherence?

I thought so.

You and your retirement pension fell right into Selwyn’s trap!

Then there is our putrid popular culture. Effete Hollywood types…thuggish rappers, MTV stoner types and the rest of our decadence czars helped galvanize the youth and propel the empty vessel to victory…The reality is that we, the people, empowered them. We watched their movies; laughed at their salacious jokes; were titillated by their prurience; and tolerated their mainstreaming obscenity, homosexuality and gratuitous violence. We allowed our children to dress in their ghetto styles and imbibe pure and utter filth.

What happened to the days when the ghetto’s contribution to our popular culture was limited to uplifting Negro spirituals?

This partially explains why facts often don’t matter today. Just as correct input may not yield correct output if fed into a malfunctioning computer, all the necessary facts may not yield a correct conclusion when processed by a corrupted mind. And anyone with a properly functioning virtue file would have sensed the lack of same in Obama.

In order to debug our sinful software, Selwyn will now spam our spirits with a moral Trojan horse and infect our eternal files with the Worm of Virtue.  Ahhh…My soul feels reformatted!

Selwyn will now close by busting some mad rhymes:

it’s Alinsky this and Alinsky that, San Fran Nan, Afghanistan and the Taliban, this bill and that political shill.

Nice.  Had a bit of a Rudyard Kipling flavor to it.  Not quite sure what it means, though.  I tried asking, but unfortunately Selwyn’s brain keeps returning a 404 Error.