• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!



    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

Archive for October 12th, 2009

It’s Pimp Your Daughter at Work Day!

Posted by scott on October 12th, 2009


Doug Giles, pastor of Our Lady of Free In-Room Coffee and HBO, and father of Fantasy Camp Follower Hannah Giles, is here to pierce Obama’s Nobel Prize-winning pretension like a Roman soldier poking Jesus with a spear to see if he’s done.

Obama Receives The Nobel Peace Prize and The Sexy Legs Award

I think it’s very interesting that the same week Saturday Night Live filets Obama for not doing diddly during the last nine months, Norway’s Frans and Gunhilda get the brain fart to give him the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sometimes I think Doug’s métier isn’t really the written word, and that his message would have more impact, and be easier to understand, if he delivered it  through hand puppets.

What kind of Scandinavian trip weed are you guys roasting up there in your skull bongs? You blondies are orbiting the moon on this one!

Relax, Doug!  Breathe!  You’re gonna herniate your jive muscle.

Silly, literal me for not having my Ovaltine decoder ring hip to your linglee.

It’s kind of like talking to Jodie Foster in Nell.

Of course, if the Nobel boys truly wanted to dole out props to people who actually brought real peace to rank regions, men such as George W. Bush, who liberated 50 million Muslims in Iraq living under jackass Hussein’s murderous boot

“Run a bunch of companies into bankruptcy, become a millionaire.”  “Lose a presidential election, win the presidency.”  “Start two wars, win a peace prize”  Yeah, I can kinda see where Bush might have felt entitled to the Nobel.

…and Ronald Reagan, who freed up hundreds of millions of Europeans and salvaged swaths of Latin America

I think you mean “savaged swaths of Latin America.”   Darn typos.

In the spirit of giving accolades to El Presidente, I think he should be presented the following awards for what he has indeed achieved in these past 260-ish days in office

Get set, Doug’s about to beat on the President with a satire iron…

I would think a prize for “The Most Awesome Teleprompter Reader Ever, Ever, Ever” would be apropos. Cuz we all no after grajuating frum publik skule that redding be hard now and man oh man kan he read real goodly.

This may be the most thoroughly racist thing Doug Giles has ever written, which certainly sounds like an impressive achievement.  But when you consider his entire body of work, it’s really like Babe Ruth and home runs; once he surpassed Roger Connor’s career total of 138, the Bambino set a new home run record every time he knocked one into the stands.  In fact, It’s getting to the point where the Guinness Book people don’t even want to hear from Giles anymore.

Also, I believe Obama should be honored with the “Bee Bop and Scat Around the ACORN Controversy Award” for acting like he had no idea ACORN was receiving millions of our tax dollars and that this whole ACORN thing ain’t that big of a deal. That, my friends, was brilliant, brilliant obfuscation.

While I believe Doug should be honored with the “Piggybacking on Your Daughter’s Streetwalking Award” for this ad splashed all over Townhall:


I assume “ACORN-smasher” is a more polite way of saying “nut buster,” or “ball-breaker.”  Anyway, Hannah?  Keep reachin’ for the stars.  And Doug?  Keeping pimpin’ out your little girl.

In addition, I believe the “Hide Your Cigarettes From Your Kids Award” should be bestowed on him, as we all know hiding your smokes from your offspring is hard as heck—y’know, with the smoke coming from behind the bushes and the smell and all.

Right.  And I hope you’re in contention for this year’s “Unload and Securely Lock Up Your Many Superfluous Guns So Your Children Don’t Blow Each Other’s Brains Out or Blast a Neighbor Kid Off the Porch Award.”  Because it’s true, second-hand smoke kills — but not instantly, while your daughters are playing Charlie’s Angels.

Hansel and Gretel, uno mas trophy, you bunch of knicker-wearers!

Sorry.  No clue what this means.

Not to be forgotten is the prize for “How To Take Our Deficit and Frickin’ Quadruple It” Award.

Well, to be honest, that’s an easy award to win.  Like the Special Olympics, you get it just for showing up…immediately after George W. Bush.

Oh, and what about awards for “Picking Crazy Czars,” “Throwing Your Reverend and Grandmother Under a Bus Without Blinking,”

Man, I thought I spoke Conversational Wingnut, but again — sorry — not a clue.

and the “Whiz on Your Nation While You’re Abroad Award”?! He’s a Tiger Woods on doing that. Gold, baby. I smell gold.

What you’re smelling isn’t gold, Doug, it’s just kinda gold-colored.  Check your pantleg.

Anyway, the bulk of the column is just more of Doug flexing his idioglossia, but he does offer some day-old false witness toward the end, along with a flash of that overbearing, mock-effeminate flirtatiousness we’ve come to expect from the Metrosexual Motel Minister.

And lastly, I hear Kevin Jennings, the “Safe Schools Czar,” y’know, the strident gay dude who green-lit the statutory rape of a 15-year-old boy by an adult man in a public toilet

Of course, “green-lit” implies Jennings heard about the encounter before it happened, and offered his blessing, when actually he learned about it later during a counseling session.  And as everyone knows by now, the boy in question was 16 years old, the age of consent at the time, and claims that no sexual contact occurred during the incident in question, but you can’t have have a conservative column about teh gheyz and not bring up sodomy and toilet stalls

who said “F—“ Christians, who gets giggly over NAMBLA’s Harry Hay, and who wrote the foreword to Queering Elementary Education, wants to honor Obama with the “Sexy Legs and Golden Abs” award

Meow, KJ. Meow.

Doug’s come-on reminds me of how our cat, Riley, will lift her tail in the air, raise her butt, and “present,” whenever you scratch her lower spine, meowing demandingly in much the same way. I just hope Jennings lets him down easy, although I wouldn’t mind if Doug spent an hour or two practicing his wide stance and under-the-partition semaphore signals in a public toilet before he finally realized he’d been stood up.