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Archive for October 5th, 2009

The Seven Faces of Dr. Laobama

Posted by scott on October 5th, 2009

I’ve been trying to keep up with the Weekly Obama Metaphors (Wingnut Tested and Approved), but you know how it is — you get distracted by a TV show or a shiny object — so I don’t claim to have collected the whole set (yet, while I doubt I could defeat a Pikachu, I have enough mint condition trading tropes that I could probably take on a Wartortle or a Caterpie).  Back in April, the order of the day was Obama as Pinocchio.  After that, he was the naked, strutting Emperor from the Hans Christian Andersen story, and this week, he’s the “boy president,” according to RenewAmerica’s Bryan Fischer, “who has three more long years to keep swinging his wrecking ball at what remains of America’s Judeo-Christian value system” and “a lost boy,” according to Townhall’s Kevin McCullough.  And since I’m tired, I’m going to call two examples a trend and stop looking before I find the low rent pundit who’s coined the inevitable “Boybama.”

Now, Mr. Fischer is an old friend of Wo’C, and his column is, as usual, fairly offensive, but in the battle to decide the Right Blogosphere’s Most Self-Satisfied, Yet Worst Writer, there can be no quarter, so…I choose you, Musclehead Revolution Guy!


Why Obama’s Boyish Utopia Endangers Us

Sure, he may not look like much, but how many other Pocket Monsters can knock out the English language after just one paragraph?

President Barack Obama is still just a lost boy at his age, and he searches for a world he wished existed. His insistence upon living in his world, though attractive to the uneducated, neglected, and naive, is dangerously heaping hot coals of consequence on the heads of those who know better.

And the only thing worse than someone heaping hot coals of consequence on your head, is being forced to walk barefoot over a bed of hot hats of significance.

President Barack Obama is not a strong leader…And his unwillingness to admit that the world is facing a crossroads of strength through force now, or humiliation and pain through attack in days to come is a demonstration of his paralysis in the most important question of our time.

That question is, of course, “Who ate all the Frusen Glädjé?”

Anyway, my advice is: Don’t play in the intersection of humiliation and pain through attack in days to come, and look both ways before crossing strength through force now, or you’ll become roadkill through bus impact at some time during the fiscal 4th quarter.

His rejection in Copenhagen was a sting of confirmation–not only of his global powerlessness–but of his ability to use campaigning on his personality as a legitimate tool of negotiation.

I’m not exactly sure what Kevin is attempting to convey here — and I’m sure the fault is mine — but he appears to be saying that Obama has no power over the globe, and is therefore unable to catch his own Pokémon, but he does have the ability to use campaigning on his personality, much as an avid gardener might use mulch on his celery trench — at least until he’s stung by a confirmation, and goes into anaphylactic shock.

President Obama believes his good press far too often, trusts his advisors’ agreement as a sign of genuine critical analysis, and believes the American people are too unenlightened to truly understand his methods.

Meanwhile, Kevin believes that he can read minds, and is forced to don an elaborate turban of aluminum foil before bedtime to keep his neighbors from assassinating him in his dreams.

All three realities push the President further into an altered state of worldview that are having disastrous impact on the life of average Ameicans.

I admit it, I can only handle one, maybe two realities at once, which is why I only get into an altered state of worldview on the weekends.

President Obama doesn’t seem to grasp the expressed will of the people who elected him. In the President’s utopia it is doctors, not trial lawyers, that are being selfish and charging people for procedures they do not need just to “make a buck.”

Which is another reason you probably shouldn’t hire Dr. Orly Taitz, Esq.

In the world you and I live in, we know that doctors run the risk of a massive lawsuit every time they deliver bad news to a patient.

Especially when the news is, “I’m afraid we amputated the wrong leg.  And I can’t understand how it happened, since you were in here for Botox.”

In Afghanistan, President Obama has waited now for more than a month to make a decision to expand our footprint there by no more than 40,000 troops.

Geez, is that all?  He could probably pull that many troops out of Petty Cash.

In President Obama’s utopia he wishes war did not exist, but he has yet to realize that in order for it to be halted, he himself may have to recognize the threat that not addressing it properly would have.

Sentence diagram provided by M.C. Escher.

On Iran, President Obama has issued a stern assessment of their nuclear ambitions. His stern words, in President Obama’s utopia, should be enough for a reasonable world leader to be worried about so as to pick up a phone and wish to work it out that afternoon. Yet even after the IAEA’s meetings on Iran, even after President Obama issued another stern deadline, the administration has begun to backtrack. In President Obama’s utopia, the United States is not superior to other nations and therefore we should be powerless to have any say on how they develop.


On the economy, “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” sounds good. In a perfect world, such purity of goodness would be a place none on this planet recognize.

Well said.  Well.  Said, anyway.

On America’s image in the world, in President Obama’s utopia he is fine with the idea of “American Exceptionalism” being challenged or even turned upside down. Yet in reality no country has suffered more loss of its own, for the welfare of others in history.

Yeah, but that’s only one of the three available realities.  Now, you can either stick with Reality #2, pick the curtain, or I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you have a hard-boiled egg in your purse.

President Obama is not a strong decision maker–most law professors aren’t…He is also a man who envisions a world that will never exist. It is his inability to see it thus, that tonight makes America more vulnerable, more hopeless, and without any immediate hope of changing coming anytime soon.

It is, in a word, dangerous.

Yeah.  I’m thinking of a word too, Kevin.  Can you guess what it is?