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Archive for October 30th, 2009

Dateline: The Grove! Store: Barnes and Nobles! Why: A fictional TV character wrote a book! Who: Nathan Fillion!

How:  First off, you need to know a secret about me.  I’m a geek.  I know it comes as a shock, but there it is.  Part of being a geek is loving you some Joss Whedon.  And (if you’re a geek like me) you are a huge fan of Joss Whedon’s Firefly and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.  And (if you’re a geek and a girl like me) you have a huge crush on Nathan Fillion (Firefly’s Malcolm Reynolds and Dr. Horrible’s Capt. Hammer). And if you have a huge crush on Nathan Fillion, you watch ABCs Castle every Monday at 10 pm.


So. Castle.  It’s a lighthearted procedural crime show, in which Nathan Fillion plays famous crime novelist, Richard Castle.  To promote the show, ABC decided to put out an actual mystery novel written by the fictitious Richard Castle.  And to promote the heck out of it, ABC decided to have Nathan Fillion go to bookstores and autograph the novels written by his fictitious character from the show.

I got to go to one of those signings.  It. Was. AWESOME!

He is every bit as hunky, handsome, and charming as you might imagine him to be!  He’s a sharp dresser and tells great stories about the HIGHlarious hi-jinx which occur on the set of a TV series.

Once he had talked a bit about the show, and answered many questions posed by adoring fans, it was time for him to sign the books his fictional character wrote.  (I should point out that the book is more of an ultra slim novella, and it’s a total “Mary Sue” about Richard Castle writing himself into his own story, and as Scott remarked, is the sort of thing that should come from a Happy Meal rather than a book store.  Anyway…)

I waited in line and once I got to the signing table, I made sure to let him know how talented I thought he was, how much I enjoyed the show, and how much I enjoyed his work in the past.  I also gave him a very rare signed edition of Better Living Through Bad Movies! (If you don’t have one, you should buy one!  Nathan Fillion has one, and he’s super cool. So be cool like him, and get !)

He accepted the book and signed the fake novel by the made-up author, and then shook my hand, thanking me for coming and for being a fan.

And here’s where the tale turns tragic.  You see, the next morning I woke up deathly ill.  Fever, cold symptoms, and vomiting.

I had Swine Flu.

And, because I shook his hand, Nathan Fillion — and now probably the entire cast of Castle – also has Swine Flu.

Sorry about that, Nathan. My bad.  Get well soon!

Why Won’t America Take Halloween Ho Hannah Seriously?

Posted by scott on October 30th, 2009

Fantasy Camp Follower Hannah Giles is peeved that you people aren’t paying attention to her anymore, and I don’t blame her.  It’s hard to believe the country could have so quickly forgotten the Faux Ho and her boyfriend — a loaf of Wonder Bread dressed in a leopard pelt and Plastic Man’s goggles — who went around the country saying crazy things to bemused, overworked black people, and videotaped the results.  This was a serious story, America!  Probably the most consequential piece of investigative reporting since the New York Journal uncovered a Spanish conspiracy to sink the Maine!  Why, just look at the photo accompanying Hannah’s column on Townhall, which clearly proves that a clerk at the local ACORN office in Baltimore took the two strangely costumed crackers completely at face value:


The fact is, Hannah saw a problem and decided to use her skills as an aspiring journalist and slutty dresser to bring down SPECTRE.  Or ACORN.  Or maybe it was AAMCO…Hannah was a little fuzzy on the details at first.  When asked by Glenn Beck why she did this, the perky Brenda Starr-fucker replied, “To expose ACORN.  I saw them as a thug organization that was getting my tax dollars . . . I want to be a journalist, I had a summer internship with the National Journalism Center . . . and they set me up with a job, but one day I was jogging after work and I saw an ACORN, um, I was like, hmm, you know, I’ve never seen them before, I don’t like them . . . and, um, I came up with the idea, I was, like, what if a prostitute walked into ACORN, had no legal paperwork at all, and wanted a house to set up her business. And I called up O’Keefe because I knew he would be down for something like that . . . we planned for six weeks and we went to Baltimore.”

Hannah could intuitively tell that THRUSH was helping ethnic minorities register to vote; and worse, it was aiding and abetting in the sexual slavery of imaginary Salvadoran children by skinny white co-eds who dropped in on their way to a Halloween party — and exhaustive research only confirmed her telepathy!  “There’s a pattern and, um,… we knew what we were going into. We’d studied ACORN. We didn’t know about them before we came up with the idea, really. And then we studied them. And we learned what they’re about so the way we approached them was, was what got it.”

So there you go.  Faux Ho Hannah and her accomplice, MC Miracle Whip, threw open the drapes and exposed the dirty inner workings of ACME to the harsh light of day; but after a spasm of self-righteous tongue-clucking, the attention of the public has drifted off to fresher hells.  And all the Ho’s down in Hoville cried Boo-Ho-Ho.

The “Pimp and Pro” story, exposing ACORN’s willingness to advise a prostitute on tax evasion and child sex trafficking, hit America a few weeks ago.

Hm, “a prostitute,” eh?  I guess James O’Keefe III was blocking Hannah’s limelight, and she’s given her limp pimp the hook.

There were a myriad number of angles to report, yet the Mainstream Media’s favorite approach seems to be the method in which James O’Keefe and I orchestrated and gathered the information

Illegally, in many cases, but more important are the multiple angles that first grabbed America’s attention.  Let’s review them, and fall in love all over again:

Here’s the ventral exposure…


…and here’s the dorsal angle.

Granted, Hannah’s streetwalker costume is slightly less convincing than Bugs Bunny’s attempts at drag, so if you’re still having trouble getting as excited by the saga as Hannah might hope, just think about this…the fake hooker is the daughter of a  preacher!  Okay, his “church” exists one day at week in the Royal Palm Ballroom (2nd Floor) of a Residence Inn, but still, it’s pretty pervy.

It’s like going fishing, but instead of taking a picture and raving about the 750lb Mako shark you caught, you blather on about the bait that was used.

Sounds like Hannah is talking about her daddy, who is not only a self-described “big game hunter,” but also a “shark master,” so I think we’re safe in adding “Electra Complex” to the other angles.  By the way, I’d never noticed this part of Doug’s bio before:

Doug earned his Bachelor of Fine Arts degree from Texas Tech University and studied for his Master of Arts in Christianity and Culture from Knox Theological Seminary.

Did Doug obtain his ordination from an ad in the back of Kerrang!, just like our local own clergyman, Actor212?  Anyway, back to Hannah…

What happens when people get bored? They stop paying attention.

And Hannah will not be ignored…!

Rather than simply complaining about the MSM’s negligence on the story, here are some loose ends the media ignored, from our footage alone, that warrant attention.


With regard to the children:

• Baltimore- Why no mention of the toddlers that were in the room while James and I were being counseled on how to manage our underage prostitution ring?

Perhaps they belonged to some of the other people who were waiting to speak with a counselor?  Of course, that’s still rather shameful, since their problems could hardly have been as pressing as your hooker fantasy and your illusory prepubescent brothel, or else they would have gotten a sitter.  Or maybe word got around about your interest in child prostitution, and the toddlers were there to apply for work.  Times are tough.

• San Bernardino- The content of this video was largely ignored except for the part where ACORN worker Tresa Kaelke mentions she shot her husband.

Yes, it’s amazing that once it became clear Ms. Kaelke was laughing up her sleeve, the media seemed to lose interest in the many other varied and entertaining ways in which she fucked with you.

What about when she told us not to educate our sex-slaves because they won’t want to work for us? Or when we talked about making money off of clients who would physically abuse the girls? What about the whole transport-the-girls-in-a-school-bus-to-avoid-suspicion discussion?

I agree, Hannah, Ms. Kaelke was hilarious, and it’s all the more remarkable when you realize she improvised the whole thing!  It was like “Whose Line is it Anyway,” except the audience consisted of just two people, and neither one of them got the joke.  Next time you go to the San Bernardino ACORN office masquerading as Bozette the Clown, see if you can get her to do a structure called “Yes/And.”  I think it’ll kill.

Attention to the masses:

Hannah’s Ass is having a Blue Light Special.

• Washington, DC- Why were we counseled by ACORN during a first time homebuyer’s seminar, while 30-40 other first time homebuyers sat crammed in a hot room?

Maybe their internet was down and the counselors couldn’t watch funny cat videos on YouTube, but were still looking for a laugh on their lunch hour.

The political games:

• San Bernardino: What happened to the list of politicians that Ms. Kaelke rattled off when she spoke of her ACORN office’s community involvement and influence? Has anyone set out to uncover just how close these politicians’ relationships are with the San Bernardino ACORN? Does anyone even remember the names?

Don’t you have a copy of the tape?  Why don’t you go investigate these politicians, assuming they exist?  Tell ‘em the Black Widow sent you.

• San Diego: Has anyone questioned why ACORN employee Juan Carlos would want to help smuggle girls across the Mexican border right after an ACORN-sponsored immigration parade???

Hannah, when you get to Girl Reporter School and begin to pursue your dream of becoming a Fox News Talking Wigstand, one of the first things you’ll  learn is that the likelihood of a question being taken seriously is in inverse proportion to the number of question marks you append to it.

I would hate to be known as the journalist

Then I think you can relax.

who never saw the bigger picture, lacked the creativity and ambition to approach a story from a fresh perspective, and contributed to the apathy of an entire nation.

And I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, think every wannabe and professional journalist has the same attitude.

They just lack the gumption and the crotchless panties to get the job done.