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Archive for October 24th, 2009

Welcome to the Graveyard of Google

Posted by scott on October 24th, 2009

Over the years, we here at World O’ Crap have discussed a remarkable breadth of topics — mostly involving boners — which have attracted search engine queries from interlocutors of equally varied interests.  Although mostly they’re just wondering about boners.  And so, as a public service, we would like to pause briefly to address the Top 10 Search Strings bringing the curious and the bewildered to our doorstep.

1.  Albino nipples:  Wow.  I was hoping to warm up with a few softballs first, but okay, let’s dive right into the big issues.  I feel a bit handicapped because our Googler didn’t phrase it in the form of a question, so I’m not sure if he’s worried about albino nipples, or just sort of musing about them in a casual way.  Clearly he or she is concerned enough about pigment-free teats to consult the internet, but I confess I may not be the best person to counsel them, having never seen a topless albino.  Part of me wonders if their nipples are bright pink, like the nose of a white rabbit.  Or perhaps their areolae are as colorless as the rest of their skin, so they come across as sort of ghost nipples, only visible when they become erect and cast a shadow.

I hope that put your mind at ease, Googler.

Our next question comes to us by way of Bing.

2.  Is Hugh Hewitt an asshole:  Now here we have the opposite problem, because even though our interlocutor has phrased his search in the form of a question, this is technically a declarative sentence.

3.  monkey notes on General Lee in the civil war:  As most serious scholars of the Late Unpleasantness know, Robert E. Lee was a man tormented by conflicting loyalties — doubting the wisdom and legality of Secession, yet feeling duty-bound to serve and defend his native state.  Having accepted command of the Army of Northern Virginia, he naturally kept any qualms to himself, confiding only in Cocoa, the Regimental monkey.  Cocoa was discreet, but he wrote frankly of their conversations in letters home to his wife:
(From Ken Burns’ Civil War)  “My Dearest Bubbles,
It has been a long while since I have had the opportunity to write to you, my dearest, and I gladly avail myself of what little time I can snatch away to pen these few poor lines and let you know that I am yet among the living.  The war drags on, and I fear it does not go well for us.  I have seen too much blood, heard too many mournful cries, and flung too many feces to think any different, and my heart is heavy with it.  The general’s beard is white as newly-fallen snow now, and his brow is furrowed like the rich and fertile fields of home.  He seems exhausted by woe, and the burdens of command, and he grows thinner by the day — many a repast he leaves his mealworms and fruit rinds untouched.  Oh how I long to leave the sounds of clashing saber and the booming cannonade behind; to hold you in my arms once more and rock you gently while depending from the roof of our cage by my prehensile tail.
As ever your loving and devoted Husband, Cocoa the Monk.

4.  Do bats crap out of their mouths?  No, young Googler, that’s physically impossible for any species that isn’t Glenn Beck.

5.  Birthdays on Uranus:  This isn’t a particularly popular party venue, since the average temperature of 49° Kelvin and the atmosphere of frozen helium and methane pretty much limit your entertainment options to a sheet cake at the bowling alley.

6.  pain lovers guy cuts of dick:  Well, as cuts of meat go, it’s not USDA Prime, but it’s fine if you’re making Sloppy Joes.  And I suppose you could always toss it in with a little Hamburger Helper.  The important thing is, in these tough economic times, we’ve got to stretch our food dollar as well as our dick.  Which brings us to our next question…

7.  can the penis be lengthened with pigskin:  Not according to my spam, but I see no reason why this wouldn’t work, so long as A.) you have a local butcher willing to skin a pig for you without asking too many questions, and B.) your penis doesn’t keep kosher.

8.  nude lady sitting on elephant tAKING A CRAP:  I assume the odd emphasis means the need came upon her quite suddenly and urgently, leaving her insufficient time to pull into a rest stop, or even dismount.  This does not, however, explain why she was riding an elephant in the nude.  Perhaps nowadays jodhpurs are frowned upon as relics of imperialism, or maybe it was just a particularly zany episode of The Amazing Race.  All I know is, if she was a nude albino sitting on elephant tAKING A CRAP, we could at least answer Question #1.

9.  World wide Toilet rankings:  Most popular — Japan’s famously high tech crappers.


Least popular — top of an elephant.

10.  man putting a class in his ass:  To be honest, I’m just not sure what the answer here is — now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go get the professor to sign my drop slip.

UPDATE:   ckc suggested we leave a few unanswered questions for the commentariat to deal with, which strikes me as an excellent notion, and a very green-minded way of harnessing all the wit and wisdom you people freely generate.  So from now on, this will be an Open Source project, and I have appended a few queries I didn’t have the nerve to tackle.  Like the questions above, these are all actual search strings I lifted verbatim from the referrer logs.  Have at it.

1.  Batman bdsm

2.  tinkerbell butch bad blog

3.  driftwood nude

4.  die liberal scum channel

5.  how to pimp out your daughter