It seems Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D and I share more than an interest in sociopathy — although mine is a purely morbid fascination, while Dr. Mike’s studies appear focused on ergonomics, striving to deliver more obnoxious self-aggrandizement and bombastic piety, more efficiently — we’re both having a birthday this week. Today is mine, Friday is Dr. Mike’s, and we’ve also both chosen to celebrate in similar ways; Dr. Mike is boring holes in the heads of kittens so PETA will stop caring about animals and start breaking into Planned Parenthood clinics and setting the fetuses free, and I’m reading about it. In retrospect, I think we both would have been better off just going to Farrell’s.
Over at Townhall, the professor has been especially busy, with two new columns on the front page. Each is written in Dr. Mike’s favored epistolary style — a literary device he borrowed from the early 17th century, along with his racial views — and addressed to people who are kept blissfully ignorant of Dr. Mike’s existence by the saintly intercession of their Gmail spam filters
Felines, Nothing More than Felines
Dear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals:
This Friday, I will turn 45 years old.
Thank heavens the co-eds I hit on in my Freshman survey class are still 18.
I’m planning to celebrate my birthday by arranging a small demonstration in front of Randall Library on the campus of The University of North Carolina at Wilmington. I realize this is short notice but I need a favor. Since we’re old friends I figured you could do this for me as an early birthday gift.
If Dr. Mike isn’t careful, Joseph Farah is going to break down his door and make a citizen’s arrest for attempted irony.
I’m looking for three cats that have been discarded by their owners because they were either unable to afford them or because they were just generally inconvenienced by them.
Not to spoil the reveal, but in Dr. Mike’s little slice of commedia dell’arte, “cat owners” = “pregnant women.”
It is my preference that you provide me with two white cats and one black cat. If you cannot accommodate me I would ask that you also provide me with spray paint – the kind your members spray on women wearing mink coats. For example, if you can only provide three white cats I will want to spay paint one of them black. I’ll explain that later.
The suspense is killing me.
I intend to take the three cats over to Randall Library at about ten in the morning. The Women’s Resource Center is located in Randall. I will call their staff beforehand and ask them to meet me out front.
Dude, this is a long way to go to get some girls to talk to you. Can’t you just stand outside the Women’s Resource Center holding a boombox over your head?
I can supply all of the other materials needed for the demonstration: a Black & Decker drill, an industrial vacuum cleaner, two clipboards, two pencils, and some paper. I might also need a water hose and three plastic garbage bags.
I hate these prop comics.
By now you may have guessed that it is my intention to perform – on all three cats – a procedure similar to “partial birth abortion.” I will use my Black & Decker drill to make a hole in the head of each cat, which will be large enough to accommodate the hose of an industrial vacuum cleaner. I will then use the vacuum to remove the brain matter from all three cats. Just as in “partial birth abortion” no anesthesia will be used on the object of the procedure.
Well, intact dilation and extraction is most often used on dead fetuses, so I presume this means you’re not going to anesthetize the cat owners?
I understand that you may object to this demonstration as being illegal. But that objection does not have merit coming from you.
If these girls won’t go on a date with Dr. Mike to see Hostel, then he’s just gonna have to bring Hostel to them. He’s a Ph.D, after all, and critical thinking is his specialty.
Nor will the Women’s Resource Center be able to object on the basis of the illegality of my conduct. In March, they displayed pictures of nude children in Randall Library. People raised legal objections to the public display of pictures showing the breasts and pubic hair of these children.
There’s no difference between art and pornography. At least, not in North Carolina.
The feminist rebuttal was a simple First Amendment claim. Now, I’m claiming a right under the constitution to terminate life by removing brain matter.
Cleverly, Dr. Mike has chosen the one method of execution to which he himself is not vulnerable.
After this little demonstration is over I will use the two clipboards…One will be used to sign students up for the student PETA chapter at UNC-Wilmington. The other will be used to sign students up for the student pro-life chapter at UNC-Wilmington. It will be very interesting to see which organization gains the most members in response to the demonstration.
While there’s not a chance in hell Dr. Mike would ever go through with his lovingly detailed fantasy, I’m sure he’s given it some very serious consideration. Not only would it make a political statement of some sort, and make women go “Ewwww!” without being shown his penis, but it would also allow him to kill and mutilate animals without going to all the trouble of driving out to a “game ranch” and paying some guy for the privilege of shooting a faun execution style.
The Black Student Union might even want to recruit students at this event. After all, the one black cat is a symbol of the fact that 1/3 of those aborted in America are black. This is despite the fact that blacks are only 1/8 of the total population.
Despite a history of racial inflammatory comments, I believe Dr. Mike is sincerely concerned with the welfare of the Black community, so long as they’re in utero.
Finally, I will use the water hose and three plastic garbage bags to clean up any mess I might have made. I hope there will be no lasting trauma following my demonstration. After all, they are only cats. It’s isn’t like they’re human beings.
During the whole Kevin Jennings controversy, I found myself wondering what Dr. Mike’s office hours were like. I imagine if a troubled young man came to him, saying, for instance, “I’m obsessed with this girl who doesn’t know I exist, and it’s affecting my class work,” Dr. Mike would calmly counsel him to “try and get the young lady’s attention by mutilating some cats. If that doesn’t work, she’s probably a lesbian.” But first Dr. Mike would report the student to the police for statutory rape, because that’s how a responsible educator handles these things.
No I’m going to go buy myself a cupcake.