• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!



    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

MyPenileBuddy.jpg It seems Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D and I share more than an interest in sociopathy — although mine is a purely morbid fascination, while Dr. Mike’s studies appear focused on ergonomics, striving to deliver more obnoxious self-aggrandizement and bombastic piety, more efficiently — we’re both having a birthday this week.  Today is mine, Friday is Dr. Mike’s, and we’ve also both chosen to celebrate in similar ways; Dr. Mike is boring holes in the heads of kittens so PETA will stop caring about animals and start breaking into Planned Parenthood clinics and setting the fetuses free, and I’m reading about it.  In retrospect, I think we both would have been better off just going to Farrell’s.

Over at Townhall, the professor has been especially busy, with two new columns on the front page.  Each is written in Dr. Mike’s favored epistolary style — a literary device he borrowed from the early 17th century, along with his racial views — and addressed to people who are kept blissfully ignorant of Dr. Mike’s existence by the saintly intercession of their Gmail spam filters

Felines, Nothing More than Felines

Dear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals:

This Friday, I will turn 45 years old.

Thank heavens the co-eds I hit on in my Freshman survey class are still 18.

I’m planning to celebrate my birthday by arranging a small demonstration in front of Randall Library on the campus of The University of North Carolina at Wilmington. I realize this is short notice but I need a favor. Since we’re old friends I figured you could do this for me as an early birthday gift.

If Dr. Mike isn’t careful, Joseph Farah is going to break down his door and make a citizen’s arrest for attempted irony.

I’m looking for three cats that have been discarded by their owners because they were either unable to afford them or because they were just generally inconvenienced by them.

Not to spoil the reveal, but in Dr. Mike’s little slice of commedia dell’arte, “cat owners” = “pregnant women.”

It is my preference that you provide me with two white cats and one black cat. If you cannot accommodate me I would ask that you also provide me with spray paint – the kind your members spray on women wearing mink coats. For example, if you can only provide three white cats I will want to spay paint one of them black. I’ll explain that later.

The suspense is killing me.

I intend to take the three cats over to Randall Library at about ten in the morning. The Women’s Resource Center is located in Randall. I will call their staff beforehand and ask them to meet me out front.

Dude, this is a long way to go to get some girls to talk to you. Can’t you just stand outside the Women’s Resource Center holding a boombox over your head?

I can supply all of the other materials needed for the demonstration: a Black & Decker drill, an industrial vacuum cleaner, two clipboards, two pencils, and some paper. I might also need a water hose and three plastic garbage bags.

I hate these prop comics.

By now you may have guessed that it is my intention to perform – on all three cats – a procedure similar to “partial birth abortion.” I will use my Black & Decker drill to make a hole in the head of each cat, which will be large enough to accommodate the hose of an industrial vacuum cleaner. I will then use the vacuum to remove the brain matter from all three cats. Just as in “partial birth abortion” no anesthesia will be used on the object of the procedure.

Well, intact dilation and extraction is most often used on dead fetuses, so I presume this means you’re not going to anesthetize the cat owners?

I understand that you may object to this demonstration as being illegal. But that objection does not have merit coming from you.

If these girls won’t go on a date with Dr. Mike to see Hostel, then he’s just gonna have to bring Hostel to them.  He’s a Ph.D, after all, and critical thinking is his specialty.

Nor will the Women’s Resource Center be able to object on the basis of the illegality of my conduct. In March, they displayed pictures of nude children in Randall Library. People raised legal objections to the public display of pictures showing the breasts and pubic hair of these children.

There’s no difference between art and pornography.  At least, not in North Carolina.

The feminist rebuttal was a simple First Amendment claim. Now, I’m claiming a right under the constitution to terminate life by removing brain matter.

Cleverly, Dr. Mike has chosen the one method of execution to which he himself is not vulnerable.

After this little demonstration is over I will use the two clipboards…One will be used to sign students up for the student PETA chapter at UNC-Wilmington. The other will be used to sign students up for the student pro-life chapter at UNC-Wilmington. It will be very interesting to see which organization gains the most members in response to the demonstration.

While there’s not a chance in hell Dr. Mike would ever go through with his lovingly detailed fantasy, I’m sure he’s given it some very serious consideration.  Not only would it make a political statement of some sort, and make women go “Ewwww!” without being shown his penis, but it would also allow him to kill and mutilate animals without going to all the trouble of driving out to a “game ranch” and paying some guy for the privilege of shooting a faun execution style.

The Black Student Union might even want to recruit students at this event. After all, the one black cat is a symbol of the fact that 1/3 of those aborted in America are black. This is despite the fact that blacks are only 1/8 of the total population.

Despite a history of racial inflammatory comments, I believe Dr. Mike is sincerely concerned with the welfare of the Black community, so long as they’re in utero.

Finally, I will use the water hose and three plastic garbage bags to clean up any mess I might have made. I hope there will be no lasting trauma following my demonstration. After all, they are only cats. It’s isn’t like they’re human beings.

During the whole Kevin Jennings controversy, I found myself wondering what Dr. Mike’s office hours were like.  I imagine if a troubled young man came to him, saying, for instance, “I’m obsessed with this girl who doesn’t know I exist, and it’s affecting my class work,” Dr. Mike would calmly counsel him to “try and get the young lady’s attention by mutilating some cats.  If that doesn’t work, she’s probably a lesbian.”  But first Dr. Mike would report the student to the police for statutory rape, because that’s how a responsible educator handles these things.

No I’m going to go buy myself a cupcake.

72 Responses to “Happy Birthday to Me! And, uh…Dr. Mike Adams”

This is serious crazy person speak here – just how black and twisted does your soul have to be to even think this. Not to mention his willfull sexist angry weirdo misunderstanding of who gets late term abortions. They are women with wanted pregnacies that have gone horribly wrong the fetus isn’t viable, badly deformed, or even just dead and needs to be removed to save the woman’s life.
I have to bleach my soul for a bit.
To quote Kutz “the horror, the horror.”

Hmmmm, you know, it’s funny…I never realized this before but you never see Scott and Dr Mike in the same room at the same time…

Aside from all the more obvious insanity, how about the thing with the two clipboards? In his Silence of the Cats fantasy, at the end of his performance, the college students, suddenly STUNNED by the TRUTH they have just seen, fall in line to sign up for the campus antiabortion group.

This is one step away from “if I kill her dog, she’ll see how much I love her and she’ll HAVE to marry me.”

couldn’t he get the same result with Allen Erickson, Erick Erickson and Douchebag Douchebaggerson (except for the aforementioned sucking out of the brain matter) and without having to deal with signing up folks for PETA?

and happy birthday Scott

Sure, it’s fun the first few times you watch a late-term abortion, but after a while you just can’t muster up the same excitement. That’s why ticket prices have stayed affordable. Anyway, they make their money off the soft drinks and popcorn.

Thank you for being born, scott. If you hadn’t, I’d have to read Mike’s columns myself, and that would end very badly.

Hey, Happy Birthday, Scottling! So glad you got born. I was going to wish it in some foreign-type language, but it turns out that Clevenger is English, or at least it has been since it was Latin.
“Variant of Clavinger, status name for the keeper of the keys in a great household, Latin clavigerus, from clavis ‘key’.”

‘Course, Dr. Mr. Professor Major Adams is all over you in terms of surname frequency: “(very common: 1 in 574 families; popularity rank in the U.S.: #36)”

But Team Clevenger makes a good showing: “(common: 1 in 20000 families; popularity rank in the U.S.: #2439)”

Whereas, the name Schlussel, for example, has not melted into the American pot that significantly: “(very rare: popularity rank in the U.S.: #68153).”

(The first factlet is from http://ancestry.com, the other stats are from http://rhymezone.com)

Ooh! Ooh! I got this. Dr Mike’s point seems to be that we should all immediately drop whatever we are concerned about, animal welfare, health care reform, anti-war agitation, pollution cleanups, family members with cancer, our jobs, etc, *everything* that doesn’t have to do with his pet cause, and dash over to, you know, pay attention to him. Because clearly the wimmens gettin’ the abortions is way more important to the proper functioning of the planet than anything else.

So I can play this too, right? Tomorrow, I’m gonna go find Dr Mike and everyone else over at Townhall, and seal them all into a big plastic bag and turn a heatlamp on it to simulate global warming. Because, man, if we don’t get that shit under control, abortion is going to look like a mercy for the increasingly close-packed and suffering population on shrinking lands beset by famine and wars.

Plus, you know, I get to be mean to a bunch of dorks, which I will enjoy, and which is clearly in keeping with Professor Dr Mike’s planned event. (Does he at all understand that “A Modest Proposal” wouldn’t have been satirical at all if we’d all understood that cannibalism was something Swift enjoyed to begin with? Mike, the great canned hunter, is trying once again to make a point by fantasizing about killing small helpless animal. The only point that gets made is that he likes to think about killing small helpless animals and needs some better excuses.)

Happy birthday, Scott. You’d have been better off with the Ann Coulter, I think. She’s crazy, but she’s at least crazy in a not-a-serial-killer way. Mike’s apparently headed for the full Dahmer.

My cats wish you happy birthday, too, because while I was typing this, they managed to knock over the food bin and scatter it everywhere. It’s like a snow day, only you can eat it! So they thank you for that and wish you all the catnip and dead spiders you can stand.

Here’s a list of people who share your birthday, ranging from flattering (Our 26th president) to shameful (gangster, guy who recorded “God Bless the USA”) to if you know who she is, shame shame (not tellin’) to omigod, I feel old (rock star daughter who’s now 25!)

Theordore Roosevelt
Dylan Thomas
Nanette Fabray
Roy Lichtenstein
Ruby Dee
Sylvia Plath
Floyd Cramer
John Cleese
John Gotti
Dick Trickle
Lee Greenwood
Bobby Fuller
Ivan Reitman
Fran Liebowitz
Ted Wass
Roberto Begnini
Robert Picardo
Veronica Hart
Matt Cavanaugh
Simon LeBon
Marla Maples
Matt Drudge
Scott Weiland
Patrick Fugit
Brady Quinn
and last but not least, Kelly Osbourne.
I don’t know what you’ll make of that list.

Does Dr. Mike know that children don’t have pubic hair or breasts? Adolescents do, but children don’t. Small matter, but I had to focus on it to distract my mind from the fact he’s very disturbed.

I can never read quotes from Dr. Mike without shuddering at the horrible idea of being one of his students. Or colleagues. Or a member of the custodial staff in his building.

Of course he may be on of those sociopaths who are deceptive charmers. But I don’t think I believe that.

Dick Trickle?
I’m not going to Google Dick Trickle. I don’t want to rub off the bloom.

…descendant of the calvinist Elect Trickle

Even apart from the general hateful psychopathy that we’ve come to expect from Mikey, this doesn’t make sense even on an insane level. Why is he dragging PETA into his anti-abortion fever dream? What do they have to do with anything? I mean, I get that he hates both PETA and pro-choicers, but that doesn’t meant that they have anything to DO with eachoth–oh, right. I forgot. Everyone that wingnuts hate are EXACTLY THE SAME (hence, secular liberals LOOOOVE Islamic fundamentalists). Carry on them.


HB, Scott.

You know, Dr. Mike didn’t specify the species of cat he was looking for…anyone have a spare lynx floating around?

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that Dr. Mike has never actually handled a cat, much less a fully-armed, frightened one. I had an 18-pounder who earned a big orange warning sticker on her file at the vet’s office (“Fractious cat–will bite!”); I suspect she would leave Dr. Mike a gibbering idiot–oh wait.

And add me to the list of people who don’t quite see the logic of “abusing animals will make people see my point”–regardless of what the point is. How is that supposed to work, exactly?

Happy Birthday, Scott.

In Dr. Mike’s world, he’s a tough guy, and liberals and PETA folk are milquetoasts, so I imagine that he hasn’t factored in the pre-emptive ass-kicking he’d get just by showing up to the center with the kittens and the props (the folks at the resource center surely know him too well already).

As he goes fetal on the pavement to protect himself from fists of righteous fury, I imagine him sobbing “No, it’s supposed to happen like this!”

Is it too much to ask that his assailant be conforms to one of his stereotypes, say a skinny hippie, a flamboyant gay man, an angry lesbian, etc? Even better if this person gives him fair warning to put up his dukes, and then pummels Dr. Mike into the ground in what any witness would say is a fair fight.

This is wrong of me to wish violence, but Dr. Mike needs this. The world needs this.

I mean “it’s NOT supposed to happen like this!”

And what the hell does “be conforms” mean?

Just when I think Loadpants Goldberg is teh WORST WORST WORST person in the Righty -O’sphere, I read about Dr. Mike. “Ick” and “Ew” just can’t express my revulsion for this, well, slimy creep. How DOES he keep his job?

Happy Birthday, Scott.

Arrgh!I really can’t decide who’s drivel is the worst to plod through……… Mike (I’m compensating for a pee-pee)Adams or the lunatic ravings of our newly needy troll.

Nor will the Women’s Resource Center be able to object on the basis of the illegality of my conduct [...] I’m claiming a right under the constitution to terminate life by removing brain matter.

I find it hard to imagine any way in which this bizarre confusion between “legality” and “my personal preferences” could made any worse and any less sequitur-ish, except by imagining Dr Adams as a criminologist.

Happy happy, Scott! There are many funny, wonderful writers on our side of the blogosphere, but you just may be the funniest.

I swear, it’s a good thing Dr. Mike lives far away from me, because just reading this vile, vicious, evil thing is enough to make me want to knock his dick in the dirt. If he got within a mile of my cats . . .

Ooo, Scot, I was so busy barfing from Dr. Mike I forgot to wish you vastly numerous burblingly ecstatic returns. Sorry! You most definitely da humorist, and a credit to all of us on this side of the aisle.

These are truly the ramblings of a diseased mind. I somehow suspect that if Dr. Mike actually acted upon his depraved fantasy, he would very quickly find his ass in jail. Mutilating animals, I believe, is a criminal offence. And spraypainting a cat black and telling a couple of brothers that it represents them? I almost wish that he would do it.

And btw, where the fuck is Allan Erickson?

Oh, and happy birthday Scott, or as we say in isiXhosa – imin’ mnandi kuwe, imin’ mnandi kuwe, imin’ mnandi uScott uthandayo, imin’mnandi kuwe.

“Wow. Well that’s a…hell of an act, Dr. Adams. What do you call it?”


Why is it that the people who spend the most time obsessing over abortion seem to spend so little time actually thinking about abortion.

Happy Birthday Scott!

Dr. Mike, go fuck yourself. Asshole.

Happy birthday Scott! I meant to say that in my earlier post…….can my excuse be that Dr. Mike had me retching before I made it to the toilet?
Thanks for all you do and happy birthday again!

I’m right here Bernoldus, just watching you all continue the orgy of group think, hellishly agreeing murder is a constitutional right, and applauding Scott’s pathetic attempt to be clever.

Not surprising you people don’t recognize real satire when you see it.

Have you noticed?

Everyone who disagrees with Scott is a racist!

How novel.

“Free yourselves from mental slavery!”

Bob Marley

(He converted to Christ on his death bed by the way.)

Woo hoo! When the assholes start calling you “pathetic”, Scott you know you’re doing it right! Thanks for keeping up the good work.

Al baby, you mean Dr. Mike’s pathetic attempt to be clever.

Happy Birthday, Scott. As my present to you, I’m gonna buy your book. (and read it)

Seems to me Dr. Mike hit the hive square on since all the hornets are buzzing.


Why not just inject your soul with arsenic and save time and money?

Happy birthday, dear Scott, and enjoy your cupcake.

Dr. Mike doesn’t have tenure, does he? Does the UNC chancellor know that one of his faculty members writes and disseminates stuff including a scenario in which he mutilates cats outside a library?

Somehow this isn’t what whoever coined the phrase “publish or perish” had in mind…

Yup. Scott now cuts my posts when I try to share documented evidence about partial birth abortion. Coward.

All the hornets? This is just the tip of the hornetberg.

Dr. Mike should share a room with Dr. Frist. Oh, the stories they could tell!

Frist is another one of the good guys.

You folks can share a room with Dr. Kevorkian, the room where all stories end.

Good lord. Don’t you people realize he wasn’t actually suggesting cat mutilation but was rather using that as a metaphor for partial birth abortion? What a bunch of dumb bunnies. Would you puke if you witnessed a partial birth abortion? Do you even know what it entails?

Abortion, greed, the profit motive and planned pregnancy:


Don’t have an aneurysm, Allan. For future reference, comments with two or more links are automatically shifted to the moderation queue or the spam folder.

“Good lord. Don’t you people realize he wasn’t actually suggesting cat mutilation but was rather using that as a metaphor for partial birth abortion? What a bunch of dumb bunnies.”

Shit. I thought it was an allegory. I am retarded.

Allan, what is this?

Did your wife just leave you, or your kids are all estranged from you due to your obsessive fundamentalism, or what?

This level of animosity toward strangers rarely comes without underlying cause, and you haven’t always been this crazy, I bet, so tell me:

What seems to be the trouble?

I think Alan Erikson’s over here so much since he gets more attention than on his own “blog.”

That Ogden Nash quote makes me laugh like a, well, a thing that laughs a whole lot.

You are right fellas. My time is better spent elsewhere. I leave you to your misery fest. Besides, with only two minutes left in the fourth quarter, up 50 points, why rub it in?

OK. Take a knee. That’s an analogy, right?

looks like Alan Erikson is pulling a Sarah Palin

So the other 25 times you said you were leaving were only foreplay? Or was that what you thought of as a “metaphor”?

Also, since you fancy yourself backed by Teh Omnipotent Being, shouldn’t you beat snot-nosed “kids” by more than 50? You must be really dragging down Team Jesus, Al. Think about it.

People aren’t offended by Mike Adams because he’s such a daring satirist he hits a nerve.
They’re offended by him because he’s a racist, misogynist, homophobic, misanthropic, mean-spirited asshole. Every column he writes is skin-crawlingly vile.

Forget that asshole’s insanity: his punchline/story delivery fucking sucked!
He’s not even got at begin dickish!

Happy Birthday, Scott!

And who’s this Allan Erickson fool?
Is that a secret persona of Erick The Red Erickson?


If Allen is actually gone, that means I can’t react with angst because I’ve been crossed off his list of “thoughtful” people – and all because I intimated I don’t care for Dr. Mike. Damn, it doesn’t take much, does it.

Or if I do react, Allen won’t know it, which would be too bad and a waste. He does have such a good time deciding who’s on the Naughty clipboard (an odd attitude for a Christian proselytizer) — and then rolling out the rhetoric to let you know how unNice you are.

I wish Klaatu would get here already and rid us of absolutist theology. Or Gort will spank.

Allan agrees: You are right fellas. My time is better spent elsewhere. I leave you to your misery fest.

Probably very wise. We’ll muddle through our misery somehow, I guess, despite your absence, but there’s really no other way we’ll learn. Tell you what, Allan: when the majority of the planet shares your belief that senseless invasion of sovereign countries and the resulting gratuitous genocide is “freedom” and abortion is “murder”, you come back and show us, and we’ll look awfully silly then, won’t we?

Happy Birthday, Scott!

Scott writes: Don’t have an aneurysm, Allan…

Looks like he blew a seal, huh?

Lucky seal. :-)

Looks like he blew a seal, huh?

nah, his nose is just dripping from the cold

funny how Alan Erikson hasn’t come up with a reply to that and yet he says Chris isn’t a “quick study”

Scott, your book has given me hours of pleasure (as Hannah Giles said to ACORN)- see, you even keep me updated on my wingnuts. It is my Bible (scratch that – my The God Delusion).
Thanks for that and for this blog without which – well, you know.

Happy Birthday and Best Wishes to Mary,Riley and Moondoggie.Gelukkige Verjaarsdag.

The Bashful SAfrican.

Always lovely to hear from you, Sue. And thanks very much for reading the blog and the book.

It would please me immensely to give Dr. Mike a partial birth abortion (or just play “Flight of the Bumblebee” on his frontal lobe with a ball-peen hammer) and feed the remains to some slugs and houseflies, meaning no disrespect to the slugs and houseflies. And I know where he can go with his gun, and what he can do with it when he arrives.

He’s not sick, he’s just a mean booger.

Happy belated, Scott. You make my day.

Thanks, Toni. Glad we can throw a little sunshine in your direction.

…and Allan Erickson googles Allan Erickson …

and is not surprised by result number 9

actually, Allan Erickson‘s stats have moved up a bit since my earlier post

This man is a fucking sociopath.

Something to say?