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Archive for October, 2009

Scouting Report

Posted by scott on October 22nd, 2009

AllanErickson.jpg We don’t hang around the sandlots as much as we used to, thanks to the restraining order, but every once in awhile we’ll still catch a glimpse of a hot young fireballer burning up the bus leagues.  Today it’s Allan Erickson, who was called up from Short-Season A to play for American Thinker, and who pitched a shutout entitled Obama’s war on Fox News & half the country.  Now I’m sure some of you are checking your programs and thinking to yourself, “Who the hell is Allan Erickson?  And why are all these douchebags named Erickson?”  (As Jay B. once observed in comments: “Lars Larson. Erik Erickson. Douchebag Douchebageson. It’s a thing now.”)

Well, Allan is…some guy.  I guess that would be the best way to put it.  He has a personal blog, called “GOODNESS WORLD LIFE BLOG,” which — aside from sounding as though its title was badly translated from the Japanese — is distinguished by its apparent refusal to follow the modern fad for blogging with words, since it consists mostly of YouTube videos featuring global warming skeptics, patriotic half-time shows, and that crazy British Lord who thinks Obama is going to trade America to the EU in exchange for 24 dollars and a string of beads.  But occasionally he will make bold assertions of fact, which he then meticulously footnotes to prove they probably aren’t true:


Are they?  I don’t think they are.  Why, have you heard something?

Sound like hyperbole?

I wish you’d made this quiz multiple choice.  Um…I’m gonna say, No?

Check out the facts.  (*Some are disputed.)

That’s going to make it very hard to grade.

Any civilization requires a 2.11 minimum fertility rate to survive.  Fertility rates in Europe are below sustainable levels.   The U.S. and Canadian fertility rates are about 1.6.   Thanks to influx of Latinos, our fertility rate is 2.11.   (We’d better reach out to Latinos!)  In 1970, there were 100,000 Muslims in America.  Today, there are more than 9,000,000 Muslims in America. (*BBC says the number is much lower.)

Europe is already gone.

Crap.  I meant to order some of that runny cheese before they went.

In 39 years, France will be a Muslim republic due to immigration and birth rates.  The French are not reproducing at a rate which will sustain their culture.  Meanwhile, Muslims are immigrating to France, and out breeding the French 8 to one.  (*BBC study disputes this conclusion.)

*BBC also thinks you look like the poor man’s Willem Dafoe.

Germany will be an Islamic republic by 2050: Germans openly acknowledge this fact. (*Another controversial assertion.)

This post reminds me of those arguments between Norman Bates and his “mother,” except it’s about demographics instead of murder, and I don’t remember any of Norman’s personalities being quite this racist.

But Mr. Erickson, as we said, got the Call, and is now hurling a little chin music at the President:

It is a good thing President Obama & Co. are angry with Fox.  It means Fox is doing its job, you know, holding the Executive Branch accountable, like a real news organization.

It is, indeed, an incredible simulation.

A real news organization serves the people, acting as a check on power by informing people so they can make good decisions at the polls.

But even when the voter is decisive and brimming with information, there still may be a moment of confusion when he gets to the polling place and realizes ACORN isn’t on the ballot.

The fact that Fox is holding Obama’s feet to the fire should cause rejoicing.

Oh, I’m sure there will be — they’re just waiting for the coals to get hot.  Fox viewers like their presidential feet with those char-broiled grill marks.

On the other hand, there are three bad news dimensions to all this:

Length, width, and depth?

…the rest of the media is content to lick Obama’s boots

Which frankly taste dry and overcooked.

…true to pattern Obama is glad to selfishly attack a private news organization (by the way, the most highly rated television news group in the nation), and the more Nero fiddles, the higher the flames.

So it’s his own fault his feet are burned, because the grill temperature is controlled by violin.  (And may I just say, when Willem commits to a metaphor, it’s for better or worse, till death do they part.)

Barack Obama is happy to fight a war on Fox.  Oh, that the Commander in Chief would fight the war on terror with as much energy and focus.

I agree.  Obama should order a Predator drone to follow Glenn Beck around and shoot Hellfire missiles at his Escalade.

He preaches unity with his mouth, but with his hands, he sows seeds of division.

He should spit the seeds of division out, leaving his hands free to fiddle up the fire, because Grandma likes her Tri-tip well done.  Now stand back and give Willem some air…

Do not forget how he applied thug tactics during the campaign while denigrating Fox, insulting average Americans as gun-toting Bible thumpers, encouraging racial tensions as he always had through ‘community organizing,’ i.e., ACORN.  Never forget how his machine took money from overseas.  Remember how he raised an enormous war chest via the internet with no way to track donors.  Don’t overlook the thug tactics used during the Texas caucuses, how law enforcement was instructed to suppress media criticism in Missouri, how free speech and a free press were quelled in Chicago when a reporter sought to cover Obama’s Chicago activities via Annenberg and Ayers and ‘education reform.’

(*BBC study concludes this is “a compendium of demented bullshit.”)

Notice today his army of Czars: radical leftists, race baiters, anti-American globalists, distinctly and angrily opposed to most traditional American values.

(*BBC throws up its hands and orders out for Chicken Vindaloo.)

And now we have his media czar Anita Dunn singing the praises of Chairman Mao, and bragging that the Obama campaign controlled the media. All this coming at a time she calls Fox nothing more than a Republican mouthpiece.  (Never mind that half of Fox’s viewers are Democrats and Independents, according to a recent survey by the Global Marketing Research Center.)

Ah yes, our old friends Global Marketing Research Center, and their poll for Dick Morris’ completely legitimate and totally not astroturfed Legion of Super-Villain Voters.

Journalists with an ounce of integrity see through the octopus ink now being spewed in the water, for this is what the war on Fox is all about, clouding the issues, providing cover, defense and retreat.  How odd to see a radical Leftist President in Nixonian garb.

Which really irks me, because this year I was gonna go as a Socialist Cephalopod Dressed as Nixon in Charred Wingtips for Halloween (it’s basically the standard Cthulu-in-a-suit costume, but you add a Tricky Dick mask and set your feet on fire).

Fox has been the only news TV organization willing to challenge this President on both foreign and domestic policy.  Fox is the only TV outfit with guts enough to run stories about ACORN corruption.  Fox is the only television organization covering what the roughly half the American people think about healthcare reform and cap ‘n trade, doing so with real coverage of Town Hall Meetings and Tea Parties.  Fox is the only substantive television news group asking the tough questions about Afghanistan.

Occasionally, while reading a wingnut’s column, I’ll come to an earnest and heartfelt passage like this, and realize how Glenn Corbett must have felt in Stranded in Space when he crash-landed on that fascist Earth on the opposite side of the Sun where everyone was left-handed and wore turtlenecks. But Willem is just getting warmed up…

The rest of the major media are either silent, complicit, or cheerleaders for this Government, a government populated in the main by radical leftists devoted to the destruction of our Republic, traitors by any definition.

Granted, accusing the press and the Administration of high treason is a commonplace nowadays, and some of you may be thinking Willem ought to be sent back down, that he clearly doesn’t have the stuff it takes to make it to the Show…

In case you have not noticed, the Constitution is taking a back seat to the EU and the U.N., and economic freedom is being absorbed into the socialist kool-aid served daily throughout D.C., the media, and the public schools.

And yeah, yeah, socialism and Jonestown references, that’s some pretty weak-ass cheese.  But wait’ll he throws the Sarah Palin whipping fantasy…!

Fox has challenged all this, and so Fox must pay.  Fox must pay, as Limbaugh did last week, by being tied to the scourging post and beat with lies, slander, and condemnation, excoriated in public by the most vicious and cruel campaign ever witnessed, unless you consider how Obama’s operatives treated Sarah Palin and her family to a similar whipping post.

And the beatings will continue.

We’re still getting daily search engine hits from that Nude Sarah Palin post Sheri wrote last October (“Was that title just a cheap stunt to bring up our Google hits, or was it part of a ploy by the police predator task force to seek out perverts?  Who can say.”), and I can only imagine what “Sarah Palin in Mandingo” is going to do for our stats.  Anyway, when I read Willem’s work I wonder why he wastes his time watching TV — even Fox News.  It’s like Shelly Berman’s line about Erskine Caldwell, “I don’t know why that man bothers seeking success.  He can have so much fun just sitting around, thinking.”

But just when you figured you’d got Willem’s windage, he throws a change-up! Out goes the flogging and the fire, and in comes the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre!

The only remaining questions are: how long will the People put up with Al Capone in the White House, how far will Al Capone push things, what will be the end game (2010 or 2012?), and how many bodies will he leave in his wake, both at home, and abroad?

That is some Major League batshittery.  You could look it up.

Dr. Melissa Clothier, the Chiropractor-Pundit (who was last seen around these parts working herself into a blood-thirsty, seat-dampening orgasm over Inglorious Basterds) is back, and doing what she does best — cracking, twisting, and popping the English language.

Obama’s Big War With Fox News Makes Him Look Small..And Reveals His Relationship With The Press

The interesting thing here is that President Obama has received nothing short of fawning adoration and tenderly delivered, incurious questions from the rest of the press corps save a few notable examples. He probably gets less love from basketball team members.

I think she means…because a lot of basketball players are black?  So they must love him?  But the press corps loves him more…and that’s bad, because…they’re not black?

The press, unfamiliar with physical endeavors and the kinship of teams, takes loyalty to a whole new level.

Because…the press doesn’t get as much exercise as professional athletes, or chiropractor/bloggers?

And then there’s Fox News.

And Maude.

Fox’s collective sin is not loving enough.

They love wisely, but not too well.

Bill O’Reilly makes me throw up in mouth a little

And that’s before he even mentions the vibrator in his ass…

…every time he opines about Obama’s bravery for coming on his show. Puhleeze. And all the round-tables have at least two Obama apologists for their “fair and balanced” coverage.

Roger Ailes, conscious agent of the international Communist conspiracy.  Just out of curiosity, where does one go to keep informed when the left wing tilt of Fox News finally becomes intolerable?  Are the Der Stürmer archives free, or behind a pay wall?

And Shepherd Smith? When he’s not gazing into a mirror, I imagine him gazing at glossy, signed 8x10s of The One.

In her spare time, Dr. Clothier writes the world’s dullest slash fiction.

People who actually watch all the networks know that a roomful of Depression-affected hookers couldn’t give the President more attention than the current press corps.

At first I thought she meant clinically depressed streetwalkers, but then I noticed she capitalized Depression, so I guess she means that strumpets from the 1930s were somehow introduced to the White House Press Room, but the President called on Major Garrett instead.

So his quibbling rings hollow.

But then, quibbling rarely produces a clear, strong tintinnabulation.  Therefore, send not to know/For whom the bell quibbles/It quibbles for thee.

And why do the rest of the press care about this cat fight? Well, it reveals their own bias, for one. By obsessing over Fox News, President Obama, by default acknowledges the rest of the press serves him and serves him well. While that’s the truth, the Press would prefer that it not be so overtly acknowledged. It’s embarrassing. Still, he does love us….sigh.

You’re like one of those people who advise victims of domestic violence to go back to their husbands, because splitting up would be hard on the children.  Listen, Doc, Fox News may say they’re sorry, they may promise things will be different, but they’re never gonna change.  It’s an unhealthy relationship, and I think a clean break is the best thing for all parties.

The press should be more embarrassed. So should the President of the United States. But they’re not.

Tell you what…When Fox News shows a little embarrassment about this:


…you can lecture the President of the United States on shame.

They’re just a little piqued that other people are seeing the love affair so obviously. They thought they were keeping a secret! Turns out, the joke’s on both of them. Everyone sees the “special relationship” between the press and Obama. Everyone.

Of course, during the run of Moonlighting, Melissa was also convinced that Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd were really doing it off-camera (even after Season 4).

People seek a bit of fairness. That’s why Fox News is doing so well.

But just as Moonlighting showed, once you finally get what you seek, the whole show pretty much goes down the toilet.

A Hobo Stew of Freedom

Posted by scott on October 20th, 2009

DickMorris.jpgOver at Newsmax, Dick Morris — kingmaker, foot fellator, and Fox News Talking Frightmask — challenges recent slurs upon the integrity of Fox News, by citing a poll which suggests the Republican-leaning network is also watched by independents and Democrats.  I’m not sure how this claim is supposed to refute White House official Anita Dunn’s allegation that Fox is “opinion journalism masquerading as news,” since she questioned the objectivity of their reporters, not their customers.  During the heyday of the traveling carnival, a similar mix of people undoubtedly thronged the midway to watch a geek bite the head off a chicken, but didn’t necessarily mean the show represented an evenhanded approach to poultry.

But Dick has the power of polling on his side, which, like the Pope, is infallible!

Is Fox News “an arm of the Republican Party” as White House Communications Director Anita Dunn says?

Democratic and independent voters beg to differ. A national survey conducted for the League of American Voters by the Global Marketing Research Center during last week shows that 46 percent of those who watch Fox News “just about every day” are Democrats or independents as are 50 percent of those who watch it “several times each week” or more. [...]

Could it be that the Obama Administration is concerned about Fox News not because it is “an arm of the Republican Party” but because it is so widely seen among Democrats and Independents?

Well, I see Fox News just about every day too, since it’s always on at my gym, and I frequently watch obnoxious clips of the network on sites like Crooks and Liars, but I’m not sure that entitles them to count me as a member of their audience.  Still, who am I to challenge the methodology of a poll commissioned by such an impressive and impartial-sounding organization like the League of American Voters.  I wonder if I’m an involuntary member of that, as well.

From Sourcewatch:

The League of American Voters (LAV) is a Washington, D.C.- based 501(c) organization that raises money to run anti-health care reform television advertisements written by Dick Morris in key swing states. The organization’s Web page says it opposes President Obama’s efforts to reform the American health-care system “and other forms of socialism.” It refers to regulation of the health care system as a “government takeover.”

Two major networks have refused to run an LAV ad that features a neurosurgeon who warns viewers that a government run health care system will lead to the rationing of procedures and medicine.

The site seeks monetary donations and provides a way to donate via credit card, but gives no telephone number or email address and does not list its funders. The League of American Voters is not listed in Guidestar, a widely-used database of information on nonprofits. LAV solicits donations to run further anti-health care reform ads, and adds that it offers to send donors who give $250 or more an autographed copy of Dick Morris’ most recent book, “Catastrophe.”

The League of American Voters shares the same street address and suite number as Americans for Tax Reform and there is some overlap between the League of American Voters, Americans for Tax Reform and the Tax Day Tea Party organizers.

Well, clearly they’re on the up and up.  Still, I’m not comfortable being drafted into Rupert Murdoch’s helotry, because I believe — and I think most reputable doms would back me up here — that thralldom is hottest when it’s consensual, and I really don’t want to be awakened one morning by the moist sound and sensation of Dick Morris sucking on my toes.

At least, not until we’d agreed on a price.


Meanwhile, over at WorldNutDaily, where polling is recognized as the bastard child of Gallileo and Darwin, our old friend Janet Porter (née Folger) has taken her crusade far beyond demographics and deep into the burning desert plains of Megiddo:

Not just wrong, but downright evil.

When Phelim Mcaleer pointed out the inconvenient fact from his documentary “Not Evil, Just Wrong,” that there are more polar bears today – not less – contrary to Al Gore’s documentary, Gore responded by … cutting off his microphone.

But Gore didn’t respond by cutting off his head, proving that the former Vice President is an indecisive leader who would have been too ineffectual to stand up against Al Qaeda after 9/11, so we’re actually lucky the Supreme Court decided the 2000 Presidential election in favor of the Queen of Hearts.

That’s what the Obama Administration is trying to do to us, and I would make the case that what’s going on today isn’t just wrong, it’s downright evil.

Our only hope for salvation as a people and a country is Harvey’s Bristol Cream, which is “downright upright.”  And if you poured a bucket of it over Obama he’d probably melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.  Or at least get all smoove with the ladies.

Evil. Like a guy who murders 70 million people. That’s pretty evil.

Thanks for calibrating our moral compass, Janet.

She told the Dominican government that she and the Obama campaign “absolutely control[ed]” the media.

That seems like a shocking admission, but hey, if you can’t confess to the nuns who run the government, who can you trust?  As it turns out, however, Dunn was talking about the campaign’s effort to control the media message (from a Fox News link, no less):

Dunn is seen describing in detail the media strategy used by then-Sen. Barack Obama’s highly disciplined presidential campaign.

“Very rarely did we communicate through the press anything that we didn’t absolutely control,” Dunn said, admitting that the strategy “did not always make us popular in the press.”

In the January forum, she provided details about the lengths to which the Obama campaign went to control the media message.She explained that the campaign favored live interviews so that Obama’s words could not be edited — “so that what the voters heard we determined, as opposed to some editor in a TV station.”

“[A] huge part of our press strategy was focused on making the media cover what Obama was actually saying as opposed to why the campaign was saying it,” she said.

So apparently Dunn wasn’t talking about censorship, but a strategy for smuggling Obama’s message past reporters who were less interested in policy than personality.

They control what’s reported and how. That’s why they don’t like that @#*!% Fox News.

Janet learned her ethics from the Bible and her profanity from Snuffy Smith.

They reported the story of Obama’s czar choice of self-described Communist Van Jones, and revealed the ACORN sting video that exposed Obama’s pet organization that was previously best-known for voter fraud. Now they’re also know for helping to get government funds for a house of prostitution with under-age, illegal aliens.

Previously, if a Republican insider wanted to sexually exploit aliens, he had to go all the way to the Marianas Islands, or at least get cozy with Jack Abramoff.

They don’t like that Fox News standard of: “We report, you decide.” No, they want it to be “You report what we decide.”

Originally, it was Chance is a fool’s name for fate.” But the Obama administration kept fiddling with it, first trying out, “Give me a name for chance and I am a fool,” and “Chances are that fate is foolish,” before finally settling on, “Fate is the foolish thing. Take a chance!”

It’s the same way they attacked Rush Limbaugh. Obama started it months ago. But now with made up quotes that Limbaugh never said, they’ve blocked him from purchasing a football franchise. Welcome to Chicago-style politics.

“He pulls a Season Ticket, you pull a Skybox.  He stops one’a yours from buyin’ into a Triple A farm club in a secondary media market, you stop one’a his from purchasing a minority position in an NFL franchise.  That’s the Chicago way!”

First they came for Rush Limbaugh, but we didn’t speak up because we weren’t the highest-rated talk-show host in America. Then they came for Fox news, and we didn’t speak up because we were all just watching with our mouths hanging open in disbelief.

Tell you what, Janet…Why don’t you hold off on butchering the Niemöller poem until Rush Limbaugh or Rupert Murdoch are worked to death in a concentration camp, then have their gold filings yanked out and their ashen remains buried in a mass grave, instead of being left in peace to reap millions and spread lies.

I don’t think that’s a lot to ask.

Even CNN has recognized the evil. Even they pointed out that we have a president who will talk with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not Fox News.

Clearly, Fox needs to acquire nuclear weapons if they want to be taken seriously as a news organization.

No, they want to assault the one television network that won’t march in lock step with the rest of Obama’s media minions they “absolutely control.”

You didn’t even read that Dunn interview, did you?

State-controlled media. Aghhh.

Does anyone know the Heimlich?

The state-run media has its glitches: Rush Limbaugh and Fox News.

We Glitch.  You Decide.

That’s why Obama wants a real state-run media. That’s right, completely owned and operated by the government, with him at the helm. That’s why the “newspaper bailout” is being planned and discussed, so we don’t have all those blogs the president dislikes so much.

Wait’ll the President finds out blogs aren’t printed in the newspaper.  We think the joke will be on Obama!

I have an idea.  Let’s release a big silver balloon shaped like a saucer and tell everybody that the health-care bills are in it. Let’s throw in the hate-crimes legislation, control-and-tax bill and the rest of their socialist spending. Then count the seconds until it’s shot down from the sky by freedom lovers and Second Amendment supporters everywhere.

Then let’s count the seconds until freedom lovers and Second Amendment supporters everywhere discover that bullets that go up will also come down.

The only problem is with all the thousands of pages of lethal legislation they want to pass in Congress, our balloon wouldn’t be able to fly, even with all the hot air in Washington.

Ha, ha.  Oh, you saucy-tongued vixen.

We can’t wait until next November to send our message. We need to act now before it’s too late. In three weeks more than 3 million personalized messages have been delivered to Congress – building a wall of resistance – a pink wall.

Okay, well, I think I’ll get out of here before this inevitably devolves into either hymen jokes or a Prince song.

Guest Column: Why Don’t They Just Call Her Tinker Bull?!

Posted by scott on October 19th, 2009
By Wo’C Senior Fairy Analyst Bill S.


It’s been a while since I’ve looked at the writings of Debbie Schlussel — there’s only so much misogyny, homophobia and racism I can take in a day, and her tendacy to cram them all into one column are enough to drive me away.  But it seems Little Debbie Crabcakes has gotten her bloomers in a twist over the animated children’s film Tinker Bell & the Lost Treasure, a straight-to-video release that isn’t even due out until next week. So what’s the source of her poutrage?  Well, let’s let her explain it:

Either Disney is trying to appease “modest” Muslims or they’ve gone the way of the rest of Hollywood and are trying to make their feminine characters more masculine.

One sentence in and she’s already not making any sense at all. I defy her to name one example of a recently masculinized female character, let alone multiple ones.

…the new and unimproved uniform and image of Tinker Bell leaves a lot to be desired…The new image is butch and silly. Moreover, it’s not that different from Peter Pan.

Uh-hum. Because, if there’s one I’d use to describe , it’s .

Gone are the girly shoes, and now, instead, there are lace up boots reminiscent of the Jolly Green Giant, Robin Hood, or an elf. No, your mother doesn’t wear hiking boots. Your Tinker Bell does.

I always thought the putdown was, “Your mama wears army boots”, but maybe that’s regional. Perhaps where Debbie’s from, suggesting your mother enjoys nature walks, or resembles an elf, is really, really insulting.

Disney said it wanted to give “Tink” a tomboyish look. Uh, talk about overdoing it. The new Tinker Bell could be dating Rosie O’Donnell.

Remember, girls and boys, “tomboy”=”lesbian”. What a great message to send to children.
Hey, maybe she/he/it can “run” the Department of Homeland Security.

There’s nothing I can add to that to make it more offensive. And once again, Debs is raging against a woman who’s more accomplished than she is. It must get exhausting, especially since she could toss a rock in a crowded room and hit one. Or a sparsley populated room. Or a kindergarten class.

Disney claims it’s new Tinker Bell Release, Tinker Bell and the Lost Treasure…takes place in the fall when weather is cooler, but weather has never affected Tinker Bell couture before. It’s a cartoon character, not a weather dependant human.

Yeah, but the 6 or 7-year-old-girls who might want dress like her for Halloween are human, dumbass.

There’s nothing wrong with rebranding something to keep up with the times, but turning a charming, cute girly character into some masculine, butch action star is stupid. Unless you audience strictly WNBA.

Can someone explain her seemingly pathological hatred of women’s basketball to me?  And why does her preoccupation with “girly girls” remind me so much of those times Doug Giles goes on about “manly men”? Do these two had adjoining closets?

Tinker Bell has been wearing a skimpy dress for decades…

and providing wank material for the John Derbyshires of the world at least as long…

That’s what nymphs who fly around with magic wands do.

Based upon all scientific data.

This isn’t about modesty…

We know that. From what you wrote a couple paragraphs ago.

This isn’t about putting your girls in a less sexually saturated world.

If we wanted THAT, we’d be banning toddler beauty pageants.

It’s about putting them in a more emasculated one…

By making girls act more masculine? Um, okay.

As I always say, matriarchial societies die.

She “always says” a lot of stupid shit she can’t back up.

Butch Disney characters for girls is not a positive developement.

They isn’t?  Eh, whatevs. Based on the illustrations that accompany Deb’s column, Tink doesn’t appear all that butch anyway. And, judging from the clips I’ve found online, your child isn’t in any danger of turning into some raging bull dyke. She might, however, enjoy seeing a story where the heroine doesn’t sit around on her butt looking pretty, waiting to be rescued, but actually has an adventure of her own.

It’s more than Debs is doing.

–Bill S

Many people know Pat Boone as America’s dialysis machine for black music — a singing semi-permeable membrane designed to filter out the harmful authenticity from rhythm and blues so it can be consumed safely, without the danger of innocent white teenagers going into cultural toxic shock.  In the process, Pat, much like Elvis, pioneered an entirely new style of music — Rhythm and Blue Rinse.  But fewer people are aware that Boone is also a Constitutional scholar of some note (b-sharp, specifically).

Congress shall make no laws respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or of the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

How profoundly simple, how elegantly clear and understandable can you get? Our Founding Fathers labored and conferred and, yes, prayed, over this First Amendment to our hallowed Constitution. They honed and pared and polished it, until it still shines like a rare diamond.

Although nowadays it’s kind of a conflict diamond, but still…

It says exactly and precisely what they intended.

Whereas the rest of the Bill of Rights is crammed full of code words, puzzles and Easter eggs.

How is it, then, that today, certain people are straining and misrepresenting and actually twisting it completely out of its pristine meaning?

In fact, I’m not sure why we even have a judicial branch.  It’s not as though the Constitution is open to interpretation; the thing’s about as nuanced as a Stop sign.

A man named Newdow, in San Francisco, adamantly quotes just the first phrase, before the comma, in his diabolical quest to wrench the two words “under God” out of our Pledge of Allegiance.

And as every schoolboy knows, the Pledge was so sacred to the Founders that it’s practically the first part of the Constitution they wrote, right after that song explaining how a bill becomes a law.

Though he is trained as a lawyer, supposedly able to interpret the wording of a law – certainly including the wording of the Constitution – he manages to convince a majority of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals that he is correct in claiming that those two words might be unconstitutional!

He managed to persuade the Court of Appeals that his legal argument had merit, despite the handicap of being a lawyer?  That’s amazing!  It’s a triumph of the human spirit!  I smell a Lifetime movie…

And that misguided Court then decrees that school children in nine Western states should stop including those words in the Pledge we’ve all been saying since 1954.

Those kids are pretty old to still be in school — how many times have they been held back?  Anyway, Pat makes a good point, if only by passive example.  Since he was born in 1934, he grew up reciting the pledge without the words “under God,” which would suggest that if you don’t learn the Cold War-era version as a child, you’ll grow up to be a sanctimonious drama queen.

When I confronted Newdow personally on the “Crossfire” TV show, I asked him if he was aware of the next phrase in the Amendment, and why he stopped short of quoting that? He stammered and mumbled something unrelated to my question. And then, when I asked, “You’re aware, aren’t you, that your atheism is a religion, a faith system based on a premise you can’t prove – while the faith system of most Americans is based on a premise the evidence for which is everywhere?”

He answered defensively, “Well, I’m not trying to force my belief on others.” And I shot back “Are you serious? What do you call what you’re doing? You’re trying to silence 99 percent of America because you – one man – don’t believe our affirmation! You’re not trying to force your belief on us?”

Pat appears to be referring to an appearance he made on October 10, 2002.  But despite the passage of time, and Pat’s advancing years, his memory retains its razor-sharp, Rashomon-like quality, as witnessed by the transcript:

NEWDOW: It’s the First Amendment. It says, Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion. If they make a law that respects an establishment of religion, they’re not allowed to do it. They make the laws, but they’re supposed to abide by the constitution.

BEGALA: Pat, go ahead. You wanted to respond?

BOONE: I’d say he left out part of that First Amendment, and I understand why. Congress shall make no laws respecting the establishment of religion nor restricting the free exercise thereof.

That’s the rest of that phrase.

NEWDOW: And that’s why you can write a song about God and have as much fun as you want. But the government can’t. That’s what you have to keep separate.


BOONE: Can I — We’ve heard from him. Can I just quote from, and you quoting from the socialist.

Let me quote from the first chief justice of the Supreme Court, and one of the three major writers of the constitution, John Jay. These are his words: “Providence has given to our people the choice of their leaders, their rulers, and it is the duty, as well as the privilege and interest, of our Christian nation to select and prefer Christians for their rulers.”

Now, this was the chief justice of the Supreme Court who helped write the Constitution itself.

Who do you suppose knows a little more about what the Constitution intended?

BEGALA: Well, you aren’t suggesting that we should only vote for Christians as our leaders? I voted for Joe Lieberman for vice president and he got more votes than Dick Cheney. And I think he’s perfectly fit. You aren’t suggesting…

BOONER: No, I’m not suggesting that. I’m quoting the chief justice, the first chief justice of the Supreme Court and one of the guys, one of the three guys along with Adams and Jefferson who wrote, and Monroe, who wrote the Constitution.

NEWDOW: Which doesn’t say anything about Christianity or God.

BEGALA: Jefferson was over in France, actually. He didn’t have anything to do with…

BOONE: They know what they intended.

BEGALA: What they wrote into it was — let me let Michael Newdow jump into this.

NEWDOW: If Pat Boone wants to praise and God and tell us that Christians are great, that’s fine. The government can’t tell us that. That’s all.
BOONE: He is preaching a religion, his atheism, is a belief system concerning God. He believes God doesn’t exist. He can’t prove it. So he has to take that by faith. We believe he does exist.

NEWDOW: I agree 100 percent. But the question is: Why should government come in on your side? Why doesn’t government just stay out of the business?

BOONE: It’s not a matter of government.

BEGALA: That is where we’re going to have to leave the debate.

Pat never got a chance to explain why the First Amendment is “not a matter of government,” and Paul Begala cut him off before he actually had time to “[shoot] back ‘Are you serious? What do you call what you’re doing? You’re trying to silence 99 percent of America because you – one man – don’t believe our affirmation! You’re not trying to force your belief on us?’”  And that’s a shame, because the Pat of 2009 really retroactively tears the Michael Newdow of 2002 a new one.  In fact, I’d recommend any liberal think twice before taking on Pat Boone in a debate, because he will totally school your ass, providing he has seven years to think of a snappy comeback.

Speaking of school, Pat was apparently absent the day they covered the Pledge in Civics class:

BEGALA:  But first, as a liberal, let me salute you for praising the work of the Rev. Francis Bellamy, who was a socialist one-worlder. I didn’t know Pat Boone was plugging a socialist one-worlder’s work.

PAT BOONE, SINGER: Well, you’ll have to clue me in. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

BEGALA: Rev. Francis Bellamy, in 1892, wrote the “Pledge of Allegiance.” He was a Baptist minister and a socialist who most famous sermon was entitled “Jesus the Socialist.”

He saw this as a unifying thing for the world, not just the United States of America.

BOONE: Well, I do then praise him for his crowning achievement, the “Pledge of Allegiance.” I do.

BEGALA: And so you’ve become a proponent of the one-world socialism. Make some news here on CROSSFIRE.

BOONE: No, no, no, no, no. Far from it, in fact. But no, if he wrote it, and I was not aware of that, but I accept it and I’m — and I congratulate him. It’s a great peace of Americana.

That’s the great thing about a steadfast devotion to God and Country — it’s so flexible.  When you’re fighting diabolical heathens for the soul of the Union, the Pledge is the lifeblood of liberty; and when someone is tactless enough to bring up its Socialist origins in mixed company, it’s a quaint bit of folklore.

Of course, the malevolent ACLU, like legally trained Storm Troopers, prowls the whole United States trying to tear every religious symbol or statement out of the public square and out of our public life.


School children reciting the Pledge while performing the traditional “Bellamy salute” to the flag.  This gesture later became awkward during World War II.

And if we’re going to hunt down the Nazi paralegals and carve crucifixes in their foreheads, we’re going to need to arm ourselves with the deepest and most thoughtful constitutional scholarship available.  Luckily, Pat has offered to perform a probing exegesis on the First Amendment, taking the Establishment Clause apart, letter by letter.  Even the weirdly elongated S’s.

First, “Congress.” That’s our federal, elected governing body. Not “state” or “county” or “city.” Congress shall make no law … repeat and emphasize no law … that means literally no law at all, pro or con. No law.

OK so far?

“Respecting.” That’s concerning, pertaining to … “an establishment.” Establishing means creating, mandating, bringing into being, making permanent.

So the meaning is incontrovertibly clear: The U.S. Congress shall make no laws at all pertaining to mandating, enforcing, or making permanent any religion.  Religion is absolutely off limits, legislatively nonexistent, to our national government.

You know, I never really gave it much thought before, but Pat’s right!  Where does Congress get off sprinkling the word “God” onto our money and loyalty oaths, when God is like the CIA’s Blackbriar Program in the Bourne movies — officially, He doesn’t exist!  Somebody ought to take these clowns to court!

Jefferson stressed the original intent of the framers of the Bill of Rights. And they, of course, just to make their intent abundantly clear, added the next phrase, “or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”  [...]

That includes license plates.  Amazingly, USA Today (Oct. 13) reports the slugfest between folks in more than 24 states over the simple phrase “Choose Life” on their license plates! Planned Parenthood is vehement, threatened and rabid about that phrase being seen on the back of somebody’s car – and have instituted court cases against that vile expression across the country. Five U.S. circuit courts have already ruled on the matter, each coming to different conclusions.

What part of the First Amendment don’t they understand?

Probably the part that prohibits the government from issuing license plates, leaving it to each American motorist to craft his own with a Sharpie, a piece of scrap cardboard, and a spirit of rugged individualism.  After all, history tells us that Jefferson himself refused to recognize the right of Virginia to license his barouche, and was known to travel about Washington, D. C. with no ornamentation whatsoever on the after end of his carriage, save for a single bumpersticker that read, “My Other Ride Is My Slave.”

Over at Townhall, Jillian Bandes has applied her little gray cells to the Mystery of the Hidden Salami, and has deduced that the mastermind behind the recent crimewave of male infidelity is Susan B. Anthony!  And just who is Jillian Bandes you may ask, and why is she trying to pin David Letterman’s misplaced penis on The Feminine Mystique?  Let’s have her tell you in her own words:

Jillian Bandes is the National Political Reporter for Townhall.com. Jillian Bandes was most recently an assistant editor and blogger at Culture11, and had stints at the Weekly Standard and Roll Call newspaper. Jillian Bandes has been a freelancer for various publications, including the St. Petersburg Times, Human Events, the American Spectator and the North Carolina Conservative.

So basically, she’s Batman with a vagina and a distaste for the 19th Amendment.

Bandes.jpg Are the Women Behind Political Sex Scandals Actually Blameworthy?

Well, that’s a good question.  Okay, it’s actually not, since no reasonable person would regard the wronged spouse in a high profile case of adultery as “blameworthy,” but what the hell.  Let’s pass her the balls and see how she runs with ‘em.

The explanations of many political scandals that involve sexual affairs invariably involve men – rather than women – committing a breach of marriage, morals, common decency or some combination thereof. Nevada Sen. John Ensign, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, and Nevada Gov. Jim Gibbons are recent examples.

However, as any mystery fan can tell you, it’s never the obvious suspect who turns out to be the guilty party.

But some conservative women say that men aren’t the only ones to blame.

I bet you didn’t see that twist coming.

“The feminist movement has always supported all kinds of free sex,” said Phylis Schafly, President of the Eagle Forum and someone many consider to be the original “anti-feminist.” She said that animosity many feminists have for sexual relationships remaining inside the commitment of marriage is part of the reason these affairs have occurred.

Ideally your wife would like you to respect her as a partner and as an individual in her own right; to equitably divide the labor involved in maintaining a household, and to support the political and social issues important to her as a working woman, such as family leave, and pay equity.  And she’d really appreciate it if you’d cheat on her.

“Feminists have worked hard to eliminate the specific benefits of marriage, and particularly, of the full-time homemaker… they have encouraged very loose morals about sex,” she said.

Not to mention their rolled stockings, and bobbed hair!  Smoking cigarettes!  And dancing the Charleston to all hours in speakeasies and road houses!

Schafly blames sex education in a post-feminist world for removing the blame of women from the narrative of an affair.

Remember, if you teach children about the human reproductive system, there’s a very real chance they could lose their natural instinct for scapegoating.

“It’s certainly the fault of the man. But no one is really telling the woman that they should ‘just say no,’ or that they shouldn’t have sex until they’re married,” she said.

I’m not quite certain how that works if you’re already married, and your husband is having sex with someone else, but I’m sure anti-feminism has the answers.

Recent sexual misconduct, such as that publicized through David Letterman or Roman Polanski, have placed even more emphasis on men’s debasement of women.

Because you know, raping a child and fooling around with someone at work is all the same to those floozies at NOW.

Gov. Sanford proclaimed his love for his lover instead of his wife on national television.

Well, to be fair, he did say he was trying to fall back in love with his wife, if she’d just stop having such animosity for sexual relationships inside the commitment of marriage.

Continued blackmail by his lover’s husband has put Sen. Ensign’s potential ethics violations at the forefront of the story while sidelining the crime of infidelity.

Yes, it’s a shame how his corruption and influence peddling are distracting people from his Class B Felony conviction for fornication.

But that doesn’t translate into sexism, said Carrie Lukas, Vice President for Policy and Economics at the Independent Women’s Forum. “We have a cultural problem that has created so many David Letterman or Ensign or John Edward type situations,” said Lukas. “We all need to consider how to create a culture that creates greater respect for women, and for marriage, for that matter so that scandals in which women are used and abused aren’t commonplace like they are today.”?? ??

WTF punctuation marks in the original.

Marji Ross, President and Publisher of Regnery Publishing, had similar thoughts…“Women from all political stripes can be successful in business, in their careers, in life, in however they define their success,” said Ross. “I don’t think radical feminists have done anything to protect women from those kinds of crimes.”

A woman’s success in business and career is a crime?

In other words

Some other words would be helpful.

insisting that pointing at men as the perpetrators of sexual indiscretions are a convenient excuse for behavior that actually reflects the degradation of society as a whole.

Your wandering foreskin has doomed us all.

Dawn Eden, author of The Thrill Of The Chaste

…and the NY Times bestseller Hi Men! I’ve Got a Hymen!

…points the knife even more directly at feminists

Fortunately, her chastity belt chafes pretty badly, so we can probably outrun her if she gets violent.

saying that they are directly responsible for the way women are portrayed.  “I would say that feminism actually creates the problem with the men’s having affairs… because if feminists hadn’t pushed for the Pill, other forms of contraception, abortion, and the morning-after pill as ‘sexual freedom,’ it would be much harder for men to get away with affairs.”

Infidelity was virtually unknown in this country before 1961, and on those rare occasions when a man did stray and an illicit pregnancy ensued, he would invariably do the honorable thing and smack her in the head with his camera, then throw her out of the canoe and watch her drown.

I Am The GOP

Posted by scott on October 14th, 2009

In the spirit of bipartisanship, MarcT was kind enough to send us another example of the new GOP.com, this one drawn from their “Heroes” section:

You can already feel the remorseless engorgement of the Big Tent.

Michael Steele Gets Down With The Street

Posted by scott on October 13th, 2009

The RNC Chairman’s blog, from the new GOP.com, which seems to react to the slightest traffic much the way a fainting goat reacts to stress.


h/t Elizabeth

It’s Pimp Your Daughter at Work Day!

Posted by scott on October 12th, 2009


Doug Giles, pastor of Our Lady of Free In-Room Coffee and HBO, and father of Fantasy Camp Follower Hannah Giles, is here to pierce Obama’s Nobel Prize-winning pretension like a Roman soldier poking Jesus with a spear to see if he’s done.

Obama Receives The Nobel Peace Prize and The Sexy Legs Award

I think it’s very interesting that the same week Saturday Night Live filets Obama for not doing diddly during the last nine months, Norway’s Frans and Gunhilda get the brain fart to give him the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sometimes I think Doug’s métier isn’t really the written word, and that his message would have more impact, and be easier to understand, if he delivered it  through hand puppets.

What kind of Scandinavian trip weed are you guys roasting up there in your skull bongs? You blondies are orbiting the moon on this one!

Relax, Doug!  Breathe!  You’re gonna herniate your jive muscle.

Silly, literal me for not having my Ovaltine decoder ring hip to your linglee.

It’s kind of like talking to Jodie Foster in Nell.

Of course, if the Nobel boys truly wanted to dole out props to people who actually brought real peace to rank regions, men such as George W. Bush, who liberated 50 million Muslims in Iraq living under jackass Hussein’s murderous boot

“Run a bunch of companies into bankruptcy, become a millionaire.”  “Lose a presidential election, win the presidency.”  “Start two wars, win a peace prize”  Yeah, I can kinda see where Bush might have felt entitled to the Nobel.

…and Ronald Reagan, who freed up hundreds of millions of Europeans and salvaged swaths of Latin America

I think you mean “savaged swaths of Latin America.”   Darn typos.

In the spirit of giving accolades to El Presidente, I think he should be presented the following awards for what he has indeed achieved in these past 260-ish days in office

Get set, Doug’s about to beat on the President with a satire iron…

I would think a prize for “The Most Awesome Teleprompter Reader Ever, Ever, Ever” would be apropos. Cuz we all no after grajuating frum publik skule that redding be hard now and man oh man kan he read real goodly.

This may be the most thoroughly racist thing Doug Giles has ever written, which certainly sounds like an impressive achievement.  But when you consider his entire body of work, it’s really like Babe Ruth and home runs; once he surpassed Roger Connor’s career total of 138, the Bambino set a new home run record every time he knocked one into the stands.  In fact, It’s getting to the point where the Guinness Book people don’t even want to hear from Giles anymore.

Also, I believe Obama should be honored with the “Bee Bop and Scat Around the ACORN Controversy Award” for acting like he had no idea ACORN was receiving millions of our tax dollars and that this whole ACORN thing ain’t that big of a deal. That, my friends, was brilliant, brilliant obfuscation.

While I believe Doug should be honored with the “Piggybacking on Your Daughter’s Streetwalking Award” for this ad splashed all over Townhall:


I assume “ACORN-smasher” is a more polite way of saying “nut buster,” or “ball-breaker.”  Anyway, Hannah?  Keep reachin’ for the stars.  And Doug?  Keeping pimpin’ out your little girl.

In addition, I believe the “Hide Your Cigarettes From Your Kids Award” should be bestowed on him, as we all know hiding your smokes from your offspring is hard as heck—y’know, with the smoke coming from behind the bushes and the smell and all.

Right.  And I hope you’re in contention for this year’s “Unload and Securely Lock Up Your Many Superfluous Guns So Your Children Don’t Blow Each Other’s Brains Out or Blast a Neighbor Kid Off the Porch Award.”  Because it’s true, second-hand smoke kills — but not instantly, while your daughters are playing Charlie’s Angels.

Hansel and Gretel, uno mas trophy, you bunch of knicker-wearers!

Sorry.  No clue what this means.

Not to be forgotten is the prize for “How To Take Our Deficit and Frickin’ Quadruple It” Award.

Well, to be honest, that’s an easy award to win.  Like the Special Olympics, you get it just for showing up…immediately after George W. Bush.

Oh, and what about awards for “Picking Crazy Czars,” “Throwing Your Reverend and Grandmother Under a Bus Without Blinking,”

Man, I thought I spoke Conversational Wingnut, but again — sorry — not a clue.

and the “Whiz on Your Nation While You’re Abroad Award”?! He’s a Tiger Woods on doing that. Gold, baby. I smell gold.

What you’re smelling isn’t gold, Doug, it’s just kinda gold-colored.  Check your pantleg.

Anyway, the bulk of the column is just more of Doug flexing his idioglossia, but he does offer some day-old false witness toward the end, along with a flash of that overbearing, mock-effeminate flirtatiousness we’ve come to expect from the Metrosexual Motel Minister.

And lastly, I hear Kevin Jennings, the “Safe Schools Czar,” y’know, the strident gay dude who green-lit the statutory rape of a 15-year-old boy by an adult man in a public toilet

Of course, “green-lit” implies Jennings heard about the encounter before it happened, and offered his blessing, when actually he learned about it later during a counseling session.  And as everyone knows by now, the boy in question was 16 years old, the age of consent at the time, and claims that no sexual contact occurred during the incident in question, but you can’t have have a conservative column about teh gheyz and not bring up sodomy and toilet stalls

who said “F—“ Christians, who gets giggly over NAMBLA’s Harry Hay, and who wrote the foreword to Queering Elementary Education, wants to honor Obama with the “Sexy Legs and Golden Abs” award

Meow, KJ. Meow.

Doug’s come-on reminds me of how our cat, Riley, will lift her tail in the air, raise her butt, and “present,” whenever you scratch her lower spine, meowing demandingly in much the same way. I just hope Jennings lets him down easy, although I wouldn’t mind if Doug spent an hour or two practicing his wide stance and under-the-partition semaphore signals in a public toilet before he finally realized he’d been stood up.

Happy Birthday, Anntichrist S. Coulter!

Posted by scott on October 11th, 2009

As Bill S. so kindly pointed out a couple threads down, today is the natal anniversary of our good friend, Anntichrist S. Coulter — blogger, feral cat wrangler, and angel of mercy during various natural disasters.  She can also squeeze more comic potential out of certain words that would make Brent Bozell III blush until his face matched the unhealthy salmon color of his beard, than anyone I know.

Before we go on, allow me to present the traditional birthday cheesecake image of Ann Coulter:

As you can see, this is a photo of a Younger Ann, back when she was relatively unknown and still hustling for jobs.  Here we see her soliciting a conservative think tank sinecure.

Many of you may have noticed that Annti has not been dropping by Wo’C quite as much lately.  Her absence is due largely to complications following surgery to correct the back injuries she sustained while helping folks get to higher ground during Hurricane Gustav.  This, of course, is on top of the violence done to her spine when she was throwing bags of feed into her truck, and helping to keep overwhelmed animal shelters supplied in the immediate aftermath of Katrina.  Even when coping with pain, however, she somehow manages to get out and trap the multitude of feral cats roaming her region of Louisiana, and see that they’re spayed or neutered.  Thus, I think we can all agree that by the standards of shelled zygotes, she is an exceptionally good egg.

Not surprisingly, Annti shares her birthday with a number of other strong, distinguished women:

Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady of the United States

Jean Vander Pyle, the voice of Wilma Flintstone

Dawn French, Welsh comedienne

Michelle Wie, American golfter

Michelle Trachtenberg, American actress

Daryl Hall, of Hall and Oates

Famous people who died on this day:

Redd Foxx, American comedian

Jean Cocteau, French writer

Edith Piaf, French singer and actress

Chico Marx, American comedian, musician, and actor

Meriwether Lewis, American explorer and suicidal depressive

On this day in history:

“Due to the implementation of the Gregorian calendar this day does not exist in this year in Italy, Poland, Portugal and Spain.”

Well okay then, let’s just forget it!

Instead, let’s take a look at your horoscope:

Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac

But that doesn’t mean you should just sit on your ass all day.  Look at this place!

Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types

I’ll go further — I think, of all the zodiacal types, it’s the zodiacalist.

Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.

Well I obviously can’t make a joke here, or I’ll get killed.

The Sun trine Moon in your Solar Return chart is a fortunate aspect.

As long as you kept the receipt.

The Sun trines Neptune in your Solar Return chart.

In fact, the Sun trines pretty much all the heavenly bodies, the little slut, so if I were you I’d get both your Moon and Uranus tested.

Mercury trines Uranus

I knew it.  You need a lift to the clinic…?

This is a good year for projects involving technology or New Age topics

Because those are so similar.

You may find more opportunities to attend meetings and other organized group activities, to communicate online, and to take part in activities involving computers, scientific projects, or metaphysics.

Translations:  The guys from the Best Buy Geek Squad might invite you to play with their Thursday night Dungeons and Dragons group. And since it’s your birthday, you get to roll for Initiative.

The Sun sits at the midpoint between Venus and Mars in your Solar Return, suggesting that personal magnetism runs very high this year.

Or the Sun just enjoys being the meat in a Venus and Mars sandwich.

This has the potential for being an especially creative year. For some, it can be procreative!

Translation:  Cross your legs!

Venus trines Neptune

…but fortunately uses a dental dam.

Mars sextiles Saturn and Pluto

Alright, what is this, The L Word?  C’mon!

Anyway, happy birthday, AC, and don’t do further injury to your back with all the sextiling and trining this year.  And if anyone out there has a few extra coins in the coffee can, perhaps you’d consider dropping by Annti’s blog and making a small contribution to help her keep body and black, shriveled soul together during a difficult time.  There’s a PayPal button a little ways down, on the right side of the page.