Over at Firedoglake, Watertiger has a piece (if you’ll pardon the expression) on a Republican whore who isn’t named Giles, and theorizes that the GOP’s frequent intercourse with the world’s oldest profession (whether the relationship be paternal or purely business) stems from demonic Candy Corn, harvested by undocumented incubi and personally shucked by the loving, if scaly hands of Satan himself.
According to Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network:
“During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”
While I don’t doubt the Reverend Mr. Robertson’s conclusion, which I’m sure is the result of much thorough and toilsome research, this scenario raises the question of logistics. Does the candy manufacturer maintain witches on staff to pray over each batch before it’s bagged and boxed for shipment? Or is this the responsibility of the shipper, in which case, long haul truckers would be obliged to carry witches in their sleeper cabs every Autumn, tasked with praying over the reefer as they barrel down I-95. And if so, these would naturally have to be Teamster witches — or warlocks, actually, since even today over 70% of the Black Arts practitioners in the trucking industry are men — which is just another blatant example of union featherbedding.
Of course, the Department of Transportation might well prohibit the reverse-transubstantiation of nougat in a moving vehicle, so it’s possible that witches are forced to just stand on freeway overpasses and shout diabolical incantations at passing big rigs full of Whitman Samplers.
If the candy is not demonically sanctified in transit, however, then one must assume that the major retailers — your Costcos and Wal-Marts — employ sorcerers on the loading dock to consecrate each pallet of Bite-Sized Snickers to the greater glory of Beelzebub while it’s still on the forklift. If not, then Satan’s last line of defense would be the clerks who stock the shelves, and judging by the picked-over and completely non-hellish candy display at my local Target, the Archfiend can’t be looking forward to a bumper crop of souls this season.
Apparently CBN has taken down their story about Black Sabbaths for Black Cows, but there’s plenty more holiday alarmism to be found on their site, including a piece that traces familiar Halloween traditions to their pagan roots. Which is all well and good, but how come when Christmas rolls around, these same folks never seem equally keen on illuminating the pagan origins of our Yuletide customs? To say nothing of Easter. In fact, Christianity has synthesized, and outright plagiarized, so many of its rites from paganism that it reminds me of the way Pat Boone ripped off Black music in the Fifties. I guess that’s why he’s such an effective lobbyist for Big Christ.
Anyway, let’s raise our chalices fashioned from human skulls, and brimming with blood (although I’ve actually just mixed a little Crystal Lite in with some 2% plasma in mine, since my doctor told me I really need to reduce my cholesterol) and drink a toast…!
Happy Halloween, everyone.
These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings.
I remember her now! Before she dropped out of my satanic engineering school, she borrowed my copy of “Design of Automatic Demon Control Systems” and never returned it. I’d paid $46 and a bucket of blood for that book, used!
Left by tensor on October 31st, 2009