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In honor of Ann’s recent book-tour shenanigans, we decided to rummage around in the archives a bit and present this old chestnut for those who may have missed it the first time…

by Scott C., WO’C's Children of the Night Correspondent


When best-selling author Ann Coulter arrived at Charles Coughlin College in Lynchville, Illinois, Ceci Lawrence was shocked.

“She looked so different from her photos,” the 22-year old co-ed marveled. “She had these long, bony fingers, and her skin was all stretched and thin like rice paper, and I remember thinking during her speech: she looks like a talking kite.” It was then that Ceci and several of her sorority sisters resolved to do something for their distinguished visitor.

“We decided to have a blood drive,” Ceci said. “So that Ann could renew the unholy forces which animate her flesh by bathing in the blood of the innocent. She travels all the time and that’s got to play havoc with any sort of rigorous beauty regimen. And remember, the average human body only contains six quarts of blood, so you can imagine how many virgins it would take to fill up even one of those crappy little tubs at the Ramada Inn. I mean, come on, she can’t just keep dropping by Townhall.com and draining Ben Shapiro for a pint; he’s starting to look bleached.”

Finding a sufficient number of uncontaminated maidens, even on the campus of a conservative bible college, proved to be a chore. “Yeah,” observed Ceci. “It was a lot of work, but it was worth it. Ann is my role model.”

Ceci explained that she began college as a Speech Communications major. “I wanted to be on TV, so I was studying to be a spokesmodel. My dad wanted me to be a lawyer, but that was like way too much work, thank you very much. But then I saw Ann on Fox News, and realized that you could be a lawyer even if you didn’t practice law, or go to court, or know anything about the constitution. And even better, people would like. . .pay you to go on TV and say bitchy stuff about people! It’s like somebody saying, ‘Hey! Spreading rumors that all the smart girls are lesbians and then locking yourself in your dorm room and masturbating to Whittaker Chamber’s Witness is actually a job. We’ll pay you for that!’ My god! Having Fox News in your life is like having a rich boyfriend who’s too Episcopalian to demand a handjob! Anyway…The very next day I switched my major, and next year after I graduate, I hope to follow in Ann’s footsteps and attend the Barbizon School of Law.”

Asked if the arduous, daylong blood drive was worth it, Ceci was unequivocal. “Absolutely! For one thing, Ann and I have become very friendly as a result. And for another, I’m pretty sure that if she’d gone one more day without blood she would have started killing my roommates.”

And how does Ann Coulter herself feel about this outpouring of admiration and blood? The blanched and hollow-eyed pundit flashed an enthusiastic thumbs-up as she lowered her emaciated carcass into a hip-bath brimming with virgin gore. “Ahh,” she said, splashing the ruddy, life-giving fluid over her bony chest, “This is the life. Or the undeath, anyway.”

Ann’s humble beginnings

Born in the Hungary in 1560 as Elizabeth Bathory, the conservative sensation changed her name to Countess Marya Zaleska upon first coming to the United States in 1936. She later opted for the more Anglo-sounding Ann Coulter because, in her words, “I wanted my very name to announce my patriotic devotion to America,” and because, “The FBI was closing in.”

Asked whether soaking in the blood of virgins might alienate the GOP’s fundamentalist Christian base, Coulter waved a bone-white hand and uttered a dismissive, “Pah!”

She added knowingly, “Look how enthusiastically the base has supported President Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthy. To me, that’s a clear sign that the Heartland has given those of us in the upper echelons of society the go-ahead to live off the blood of our social inferiors. The way I like to think of it is: red states are red corpuscle states, brimming with life and vitality. While the blue states are blood cells depleted of oxygen, the same way the Democrat party is depleted of ideas and morality. If American values and ideals are to survive, we must confront our political opponents, rip out their throats with our sharp incisors, and feed upon the warm blood flowing from their ruptured arteries.”

As a tired Ceci poured the last bucketful of blood into her idol’s copper bath, she paused to reflect on the day’s labors. “I’ve learned more from Ann in one day than I think I’ve learned from all my professors over the past four years. I’ve learned that liberals are traitors who want to destroy the nuclear family. I’ve learned that plasma is an excellent humectant. And I’ve learned which girls are really virgins, and which are letting the snake into the garden, if you know what I mean, because if Ann bathes in the blood of an soiled woman, she starts to smoke and shriek like a banshee. It’s kind of like when you drop a piece of magnesium in water. Except for the shrieking.”

10 Responses to “Ann Coulter’s Beauty Secret”

Scott, you have amused me once again.
It’s funny because it’s true!

Shouldn’t that have been “night long blood drive,” tho?

Hey, this is plagiarized from Coultergeist.org!

This is truth. It explains so much I’ve seen from that woman, even down to her wearing that black evening dress on the Today Show.

[...] And, in case, you missed it, the news of a blood drive by conservative virgins on Coulter’s behalf: �We decided to have a blood drive�So that Ann could renew the unholy forces which animate her flesh by bathing in the blood of the innocent.” Asked whether soaking in the blood of virgins might alienate the GOP�s fundamentalist Christian base, Coulter waved a bone-white hand and uttered a dismissive, �Pah!� [...]

It can give make milk by eating grass, it can bleed for seven dies with out dying, and it can bury a bone quicker than a dog.

Yupp. Sounds like Anne.

Is she at a K-Load lookalike contest?

LOL LOL its just too darn funny! this is great! i mean she’s too unimportant for me to even get angry at what she says (its the crazies that can come off sounding SANE that’s dangerous) but this is just too darn funny!

[...] David Carr has a good article in week’s NY Times about Ann Coulter. Tony Norman’s essay “If Ann Coulter’s a Christian, Then I’ll Be Damned” is also quite good. I don’t know anyone who actually likes her (the perils of an extremely limited social group: you think the whole world thinks like you), or thinks anything she says is more than spite, malice, and bile. But if you know someone who is a) christian and b) gives any credence to the ramblings of this mad-woman, you should have them read this essay. World-O-Crap has a great parody of Coulter here. Or might it be the truth… For a more conservative, but intelligent, response, check out Right Wing Nut House’s “Anne Coulter: Conservative Lout” I want to point out that I find the division of conservative/liberal to be increasingly meaningless while at the same time proponents of one side or the other have become increasingly vitriolic in their rhetoric. Conservatives do not own the monopoly on spewing stupidity, lies, and petty meanness.I think we need to be much more specific with our language in order to navigate, with any sense of usefulness, the political landscape of today. The most frightening people in this country are not “conservatives” in any real sense of the word. They are, like Coulter, zealots. There is a difference. Also, the so-called “base” of the Republican party is no longer “conservative” but, and let’s be honest here, “religious fanatics” who want to create a theocracy. What I don’t understand is how little attention is given to the apparent and growing resemblances between the religious fanatics of Islam and the religious fanatics of Christianity. When Pat Robertson calls for the assassination of another human being–and is not roundly denounced by Christians around the world, we have reached a point in time when Christ is no longer being taken seriously by many of his “so-called” followers. What are the moral or ethical differences between Islamic fundamentalists and Christian fundamentalists? Regardless of your religion, the moment you take action to deny full humanity to others based on their beliefs, you have lost all moral standing. Let’s be clear here as well: I do not accept moral relativism as an answer. If you are performing a clitorectomy on a 13 year old girl, you are wrong and I have no problem with opposing that cultural practice. If your religion says that others are less than human and should be killed or harmed for their beliefs, than your religion is, inherently, anti-human, anti-life, and just plain wrong. If you believe that non-believers are going to hell, or will be punished by your God, then fine, I have no problem with that. God can take care of his own. Render unto God what is God’s and render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s. Remember that we have our freedoms in large part because of the secular nature of our government, regardless of the inclusion of Christian rhetoric within our government. Theocracy is not what America stands for, and yet there are significant forces in this country who want to establish just such a theocracy. What is most frightening about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s letter is the end section where he urges Bush to work with Iran because both worship the same god. For all Bush’s talk about freedom, his government of zealots and fanatics is enacting a campaign of secrecy, anti-constitutionalism, religious fundamentalism, blind arrogance and spiritual bankruptcy. Pundits like Ann Coulter only exacerbate the situation, feeding a hungry populace a diet of fear and hatred. Not a particularly fulfilling diet, but one that, like most junk food, momentarily stops the hunger. [...]

[...] From World O’ Crap comes this eschatological fantasy: Satan, Jesus, Ann Coulter, and the Virgin Mary, all interviewed by Tim Russert.  Via MetaFilter. Speaking of Ann Coulter, the same site has a fine explanation of how the blonde hellspawn manages to keep looking so youthful and refreshed. Link.    [link] [...]

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