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Archive for March, 2010

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The “Ah-Hah, I Caught You Being Sweet!” Edition

Posted by scott on March 14th, 2010


RILEY: Oh, crap! He’s got the camera!

MOONDOGGIE: I think this will make a lovely engagement photo.

RILEY: Shutup, shutup, SHUTUP!

Top Ten Google Searches: The “Confused With A Keyboard” Edition

Posted by scott on March 13th, 2010

It’s the end of a long week, and time once again to dip into the referrer logs and answer some of the search engine queries that have led the curious, the concerned, and — as always — the bonercentric to World O’ Crap.

1. How to tie a headscarf JEWISH: I don’t know this one, sorry. But if it helps, I can probably walk you through How to stuff a wild bikini GENTILE.

2. do carps eat crap: I’m not sure if this is a good question, or a lousy palindrome.

3. deal with your daughter’s pimp: is a reboot of the 2002-2005 ABC sitcom 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter. A mid-season replacement series set to debut on ABC Family, Deal With Your Daughter’s Pimp, follows the wacky adventures of the Giles family. The father, Doug, is a jive-talking preacher whose “church” is a motel conference room. The daughter, Hannah, is an aspiring hooker who works for America’s Whitest Pimp. And the mother is invisible and has no name. Can two fame whores live in the same house, without driving each other crazy?

4. shamwow guy excited without shamwow cloth: How inconvenient — just when we need something absorbent to swab down the naugahyde.

5. playboy no clothes: Yes, I believe you’ve grasped the concept. Congratulations

6. Women lesbians: Hey, great! That’s my favorite kind!

7. “mr happy meal”: As you can see, even cannibals have a pet name for the penis.

8. Bald Negro Kevin Eubanks: I’d like to thank Senator Harry Reid for joining us here today…

9. cindy and bryan anal and sinister: I’ll say one thing for ‘em — they’re versatile.

10. the facts about boners: This is a 1957 mental hygiene film starring Jack Webb. Produced by the California Department of Health, it was used by most junior high schools in the state until the mid-Seventies. It replaced a 1951 animated short featuring Woody Woodpecker, entitled Hey Pecker! Wood?


And now, in keeping with our crowd sourcing approach to wisdom, here’s a few questions for you guys to tackle:

Ann Coulter’s hands

torrent blog viva la revolution! dorothy

what happened to Fabio’s face?


peep diorama

Teach A Man To Fish And You Starve Him For A Lifetime

Posted by scott on March 12th, 2010


If you’ve noticed the smell of burning hair, relax — you didn’t accidentally toss your Red Baron™ Biscuit-Style Breakfast Pizza in the pet taxi, and your cat in the Toaster Oven this morning. No, it’s just RenewAmerica froth merchant Sher Zieve, who has observed the progress (if we may use that word without provoking a rash of snorts and rude gestures) of health care reform, and who, as a result, is now hosting a smoldering rage beneath her mop of Cousin Oliver hair.

Obama openly rules against the will of the governed and now their lives

The ObamaCare “healthcare” bill — which has little to nothing to do with health — will begin the establishment of his and the Marxist-Democrats’ permanent dictatorship in the United States of America. At least 100 (that’s one-hundred, folks)

Sher spells it out as a courtesy, since a large portion of her audience won’t read Arabic numerals on principle. No clue about the hyphen, though.

…new agencies are included in the ObamaCare monstrosity. These are agencies the Obama, his Marxist and his Maoist co-conspirators have included for the establishment of [their] total control over the American people.

Also not sure about the brackets. Maybe punctuation at RenewAmerica is like funding at government agencies — they have to use it all up by the end of the fiscal year (that would certainly explain the recent run on exclamation points). Anyway, The Obama is a 1978 film (originally titled The Manitou) starring Tony Curtis and Stella Stevens, which is apparently about the horrors of the Canadian health care system, since it was shot in British Columbia, and Burgess Meredith, Jon Cedar, and Paul Mantee all play doctors.

This is, of course, a deliberately executed atrocity

Which I actually prefer, because there’s nothing more vexing in the immediate aftermath of an atrocity than to hear the perpetrator say, “oops.”

In previous columns I’ve written about Soviet Dictator Josef Stalin who committed genocide on the Ukrainian people via mass starvation. Stalin began by regulating the food the Ukrainians were allowed to have, then he shipped all of the wheat they had raised to other countries and ended with his goons invading Ukrainian houses and removing every last morsel of food in each and every home.

The parallels to budget reconciliation are uncanny.

This resulted in the deaths of between 3,000,000-7,000,000 (that’s Millions, folks)

Thanks, Sher. But if you suspect your audience is illiterate, is closed captioning really the solution?

To this day, the numbers are still not known with certainty. Stalin’s thugs buried the bodies in massive graves, then covered them up with tons and tons of dirt.

This has made obtaining an accurate body count difficult, because Stalin’s thugs buried the Ukrainians so deep that their remains got mixed up with all those fossils Satan planted to make us believe in evolution.

Fox News and a few other not-completely-controlled-by-the-dictator news sources are reporting that US citizens may or will soon be prohibited from fishing the nation’s oceans, coastal waters, Great Lakes and even inland waters. That’s everywhere, folks.

I swear, the above sentence on proposed fishing regulations is in the very same paragraph as the stuff about the genocide of the kulaks.

And Robert Montgomery from ESPNOutdoors.com writes: “The Obama administration has ended public input for a federal strategy that could prohibit U.S. citizens from fishing some of the nation’s oceans, coastal areas, Great Lakes, and even inland waters.” Obama also recently dictated — in the manner of a real and true tyrant — that ALL input from the public on this matter has ended and will not be accepted by the tyrant and/or his administration. Could this be Obama’s clever take on the “Stalin Ukrainian problem Solution?” Is this the beginning of the Obama Opposition Solution? Looks like it.

Will Obama’s thugs invade American’s homes and remove every last morsel of fish? Looks like it.

The only real “solution” to any hope of restoring our now defunct republic is the removal from office of all Marxists, Marxist and Maoist wannabees contained within the Executive branch

A Marxist and a Marxists are similar, but a Marxists is even worse, because he’s plurals.

… and all willing Obama Congressional schemers — on both the Senate and US House of Representatives side — from office. It will need to be very soon or we as a country will have been murdered by The Obama and his willing adherents and We-the-People will no longer exist.

La Zieve is serious!

Communist Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)

Who would appreciate it if you would use her proper title: Chairwoman of the Presidium.

…is reported by a congressman to have recently said that she will push ObamaCare through in “any way possible.” Perhaps what’s left of We-the-People should consider her statement toward the application of ridding ourselves of her and her colleagues who are embroiled in the destruction of the USA. What do you think?

I think you’re getting a little mealy-mouthed, Sher. You used to end every column with the ominous question, “Still feeling peaceful?” Now you’re trying to foment revolution by suggesting that we “should consider her statement toward the application of ridding ourselves of her and her colleagues”? Okey dokey, thanks for the Politburo boilerplate, Commissar.

Obama to end fishing by humans in USA

Even worse, he plans to introduce humaning by fish (probably by tampering in God’s domain and accelerating the evolution of salmon until they become carnivorous bipeds with a yen for booty, pretty much the way it happened in Humanoids From The Deep). But not everyone is taking this lying down; somewhere in Minnesota, Babe Winkelman is staring into a trout stream and willing himself to undergo an Incredible Mr. Limpet-style transformation, hopefully in time for the debut of his new show, Good Humaning, this fall on the Versus network..

Get Well Soon, Brother Ivan!

Posted by scott on March 10th, 2010

I received some more bad news, in a month that already seems saturated with it, about Ivan G. Shreve, Jr., proprietor of the indispensable blog on classic films, TV, and radio, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear. As you may already know, TDOY hasn’t been updated since February 25, and while this isn’t unprecedented — Ivan will occasionally suspend blogging while he works on liner notes for an upcoming DVD release, or some other paying gig — he usually posts a Gone Fishin’ sign before he disappears. So I’ve been getting a little worried.

The very resourceful Stacia, of She Blogged By Night was kind enough to track me down on Twitter and let me know that Ivan has been hospitalized. We don’t know how serious the situation is, or how long he’s likely to be laid up, but she has since posted a bit more information on her blog:

“Ivan is in room 5401 of the Athens Regional Medical Center and there is no set release date as of yet, but from what I’ve heard, I’m reassured he’ll be back to blogging soon. Which is good, because Thrilling Days of Yesteryear provides at least 50% of my online Jack Benny intake. Ivan’s hospital has an e-greetings system here that you can use to leave him a note if you want.”

Not only is Ivan a witty, gracious, and highly informative writer, he’s a very old friend of World O’ Crap — one of the earliest of early adopters, going back to WO’C's first days at the old Salon blogs — so this hits particularly hard. Ivan has often remarked that he got into blogging because of Sheri’s example, and since the same can be said of me, I’ve always considered him a blog brother. If you can spare a moment, please click the link above and send Ivan a little note.


Epops: You’re mistaken: men of sense often learn from their enemies. Prudence is the best safeguard. This principle cannot be learned from a friend, but an enemy extorts it immediately. It is from their foes, not their friends, that cities learn the lesson of building high walls and ships of war.

— Aristophanes, Birds

Or, as Pastor Swank more eloquently put it:


America should learn from Jakarta’s protesters how to clog the streets with cries of imploding the Oval Office imposter.

The lesson here is plain: eat more fiber.

Marxist Muslim Barack Hussein Obama is beheading America by throwing our money into the downdrains.

A conservative Christian would use an axe or a knife to decapitate the country, because it’s more efficient. A liberal, meanwhile, thinks you can solve any problem by throwing money at it, including the problem of how to behead America; but you’d probably have to use coins — sharpened like shurikens, because I don’t think folding money is capable of delivering a neck-severing paper cut — and you’d probably have to throw them really, really hard. On the bright side, at least Obama is cutting our nation’s head off near the downdrains, because I doubt there’s enough paper towels in the world to deal with a blood stain that size, even if they did have thirst pockets.

He’s a liar. He breaks his promises. He plays dictator. His crook and liar cronies stand to right and left of his every move. His wife is team member with him.

I heard his wife was team Jacob, but if she’s team member that’s okay with me too. I like a woman who’s pro-boner and not afraid to admit it.

There is no doubt that Obama is using every means possible to wipe out this Republic. That is the prime purpose of any Muslim—eliminate the infidels. Beheading is the favorite modus operandi. But if one can behead without shedding blood, so much the cleaner.

And Pastor Swank’s violent eschatology takes a weird, sudden swing into Billy Mays territory.


“And if you can behead without blood, so much the cleaner!”

Obama is working night and day with cohorts Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to shred this nation from coast to coast.

The Democrats are bankrupting America, buying all this sick skateboarding gear!

This is most evident with the Obamangst “care”

“Obamangst?” I am second to none in my admiration of the Pastor’s ability to neologize, but like the speed of light, there is apparently a physical limit to Obama name puns, beyond which acceleration, and sense-making, is impossible. And that dull, moist-sounding smack was the Pastor hitting it face first.

bill ram-jammed down our throats.

As you know, Pastor Swank doesn’t always get the latest wingnut talking points (he still thinks “Teabaggers” is a badge of honor), but he must have recently figured out how to use email, since he’s jumped aboard the whole “Obama and Congress are ramming health care reform down our throats” meme. And yet, being Swank, he’s decided this argument would be more effective if it internally rhymed. And that’s why he’s awesome!

Reasonable newsfeeds don’t know how to word their coverage of this insanity. Fox Newscasters in particular are stymied when trying to figure out logical ways to communicate this crazy scene from the White House.

Every day they grope for new verbiage by which to state that the present administration is killing our democracy and no one seems to know how to stop it.


“Verbiage fails me.”

Well, in Jakarta, protesters fill the air with cries that Obama is not to arrive there because he is not Muslim enough. There you have it. In America, Muslim Obama is Muslim Number One. In Jakarta Obama is not Muslim enough.

While in a remote cottage occupied by a family of bears, Obama is just Muslim enough.

Now this brings us to the spiritual analysis. God is at work through this whole mess. Why? Because of the righteous remnant at the time of America’s start and at the present moment. Those prayers match up before heaven’s throne.

It’s the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost…And they’re all here to play The Family Feud!”

Satan is also at work, evidently.

Not only that, but he just got a big bonus from Goldman Sachs.

Satan wants to destroy America because it is the only country begun with a Christian stand. America is the Christian-heritage nation of the planet.

Just add water, and the Christian Stand™ will reduce the chance of fire and keep your Christian fresh and healthy-looking for up to three weeks! (For best results, lop off the bottom 2 to 3 inches of your Christian before inserting in Stand.)

We must not try to play God. We must let God guide us socially, spiritually and politically—which He will do.

I use the Google God app for iPhone.

Watch how God moves in the future to rescue America from the Marxist Muslim schemes to rid the world of the Christian-heritage United States of America.

And my dad will be able to beat up your dad at some indeterminate point in the space-time continuum.

Jakarta is an example of how to protest Obama at the moment. Other protestations will show up on life’s screen.

I think the Pastor’s telling us he just discovered YouTube.

In each of these, God will work His move.

And God works His move in mysterious way.

Anyway…Keep Watching the Life Screens!

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The “I’m Ready for My Close-Up, Mr. DeMille” Edition

Posted by scott on March 6th, 2010

Riley (avec Moondoggie):


Riley: I’m glad to have this opportunity to speak directly to my fans…

Moondoggie: Hey, why does she get to be in front? You said the camera loves me…”

And Moondoggie:


Moondoggie: Yes, yesThis is more like it. Snap away, Helmut Newton! That’s right…work with me…!

WND: Obama Is Emmett Till Proven Innocent

Posted by scott on March 5th, 2010

We all have our quirky little enthusiasms. Interests and attachments that are difficult to defend — even objectively silly — but nonetheless fun and fulfilling. I happen to have a passion for egregiously bad movies. Mary is partial to the TV series Castle. Riley enjoys a fine catnip and a persistent patch of sunlight. And managing editor of World Net Daily David Kupelian really, really likes rape.


And you can see why. For a man whose sexual confidence seems to constantly tremble like a Jenga tower in the later stages of play, rape is a wonderfully convenient, labor-saving device, the Swiss Army knife of metaphors. In 2005, when a movie sympathetic to the plight of gay men in America was released to favorable reviews, and David was reduced to a lonely voice, howling in the wilderness, rape was there for him:

“Brokeback Mountain,” the controversial “gay cowboy” film that has garnered seven Golden Globe nominations and breathless media reviews – and has now emerged as a front-runner for the Oscars – is a brilliant propaganda film, reportedly causing viewers to change the way they feel about homosexual relationships and same-sex marriage.

And how do the movie-makers pull off such a dazzling feat? Simple. They do it by raping the “Marlboro Man,” that revered American symbol of rugged individualism and masculinity.

What could be worse than Hollywood sodomizing our beloved corporate mascots? Only the prospect of the White House — the home of America’s Caesars! — occupied by a Nubian upstart whose idea of bipartisanship is to ask, “Where the white women at?”

Barack Obama and the date-rape of America

Good Americans from sea to shining sea are grappling right now with how to mentally process what they’re witnessing in Washington, D.C.

The spectacle of a far leftist president literally forcing socialized medicine down the throat of an unwilling center-right America is reminiscent, perhaps more than any other contemporary metaphor, of date rape.

America is like South Carolina in the second half of Birth of a Nation — ravished by triumphant Negroes — but even worse, because at least those guys were actually white under all that burnt cork.

A man determined to have his way with a woman may start off seducing her with lies, flattery and the usual pretense of caring about her. But at a critical moment, when she says, “Stop, I’m not comfortable with this and don’t want to go any further,” he has a choice: Either do the right thing and back off, or abandon all prior pretensions and take her by force.

I’m not surprised to see that David, as a traditionalist, has followed the time-honored literary dictum, write what you know.

As president, Barack Obama courted us with sweet talk, but America grew increasingly uncomfortable with his advances and firmly said, “Stop” – in fact, screamed bloody murder for months. Yet Obama remains obsessed with forcing himself on America.

In addition to serving as editor of WND and Whistleblower, David has authored several books of best-selling moral wisdom, including How Evil Works: Understanding and Overcoming the Destructive Forces That Are Transforming America, The Marketing of Evil: How Radicals, Elitists, and Pseudo-Experts Sell Us Corruption Disguised As Freedom, and The Huge Black Penis of Evil: How Evil Has a Huge Black Penis.

Put aside for the moment the fact that Obama is single-handedly destroying the Democratic Party for years, perhaps decades, by maniacally pursuing Obamacare as though it were Moby Dick and he Captain Ahab, leading all the Pequod’s hapless Democrat crewmen into political destruction.

Most experts agree that in the wild, the Huge Black Penis has only one natural enemy: Moby Dick.

America is not, after all, a place like Cuba or Zimbabwe where corrupt dictators get their way through sheer ruthlessness, intimidation and naked arrogance. We’re accustomed to the rule of law, to civility, to due process, even in the most difficult and contentious of times. After all, when Hillarycare was soundly rejected by Americans during Bill Clinton’s first term, he wisely backed off and stopped trying to force socialized medicine on us. (And Bill was a guy with his own date-rape problems, but that’s another story.)

And he was a white man, and stuck to his own kind, and we don’t really care what the poor white trash get up to with themselves, so long as they don’t frighten horses or show up drunk to church.

A few weeks ago I interviewed a top forensic psychiatrist – a medical professional who makes his living evaluating and providing expert testimony regarding the mental condition of people in court cases…I asked him, “Does Barack Obama have Narcissistic Personality Disorder?” Mind you, this was not about whether the president is “narcissistic,” which everyone already knows. Rather, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness or personality disorder with a broad and disturbing symptom picture.

The forensic psychiatrist’s response to my question: “Yes, that’s a fair assessment, maybe even Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder” (which crosses over into criminality).

It’s like that Dick Van Dyke geriatric mystery series, combined with a pervy Dick Wolf procedureal. Diagnosis: Rape.

We went through a few of the major symptoms, including: 1) a grandiose view of one’s achievements (everything with Obama is “historic”)

Obama thinks he’s something special, but lots of black men have gotten themselves elected President of the United States. Morgan Freeman does it like three times a year.

2) utter inability to handle criticism (everyone criticizing him or his policies is attacked as a radical or extremist, even Fox News was attacked)

Roosevelt was the same way in 1941 (everyone who bombed us was attacked as treacherous and dastardly, even Tokyo was attacked). If FDR had had a lick of self-reflection, he would have taken Pearl Harbor as constructive criticism of our scrap metal embargo.

and 3) lack of genuine empathy (in his televised speech immediately after the Fort Hood shooting – while the entire nation was reeling in shock – he engaged in small talk and “shout-outs” for two full minutes before mentioning the worst terror attack on our soil since 9/11.)

I prefer paralysis or panic in my presidents, and Bush managed both in one day. That’s versatility.

Imagine you just met someone who was unusually arrogant, greedy and selfish, who considered himself far superior to everyone else, above the need to be truthful, above the law (and willing to break any law he could get away with), who was contemptuous of others and utterly impervious to criticism or self-reflection – and who also harbored an overwhelming urge not only to take your money, but to control you, to exert power over your life! You might understandably conclude that person is mentally deranged or even a criminal.

Or you might just wonder why your hostess seated you next to Glenn Beck.

how can he justify using such dishonest means to force his will on an unwilling American public? In other words, how can he countenance, in effect, date-raping America?

I don’t know, Dave, but maybe you should be a little more concerned about what you’re going to tell the police, since DNA testing has found traces of your semen in the rectum of the English language.

What we need to understand is that, between his hate-based ideology (Winston Churchill called socialism the “gospel of envy”), extreme narcissism and long-internalized political corruption, Obama and others like him, literally drunk on power, live essentially in a state of delusion: Down is up, truth is cruel and impractical, corruption is just “conducting business,” morality is repression, lying is a creative force.

You know what, I’m flat out of projection, and homeless-guy-arguing-with-his-reflection-in-a-plate-glass-window jokes. You guys got anything?

Those on the far left regions where Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid dwell regard free-market capitalism as irredeemably evil, exploitive and unjust – and therefore in need of destruction to make way for the creation of something more noble and just. Likewise, they look at influential conservatives not simply as “old-fashioned,” “selfish” or “religious nuts,” but as evil. (Remember, Dick Cheney was “Darth Vader” and Karl Rove “the emperor.”) If you think I exaggerate the monumental, self-righteous rage with which the left abhors conservatives, watch MSLSD for 15 minutes. I rest my case.

The jury will now retire to consider their verdict and beat the prosecutor senseless with a bar of Lifebuoy stuffed in a tubesock.

Thus, the left thinks of their constant lying and deceiving the way you and I might regard lying and deceiving were we German undercover operatives in the Nazi army plotting to kill Hitler, as in the true-life Operation Valkyrie. Col. von Stauffenberg and the other courageous patriots in the German army were lying and deceiving all day long. After all, war is deception, and they were operating behind enemy lines, trying to slay a monster and end a terrible war. Their deceptions were indeed noble.

Shorter David Kupelian: “Yes, but we’re like the good Nazis!”

That’s how Obama and company think of their daily depredations that endanger the very existence of America as a land of liberty and light among the nations.

President, Don’t Let the Sun Set on You in America.

Any way you slice it – psychologically, ideologically, politically, morally – we are talking about people in the grip of dark forces and delusion, hell-bent on leading the rest of us downward, which they see as upward. The fact that they may not be fully conscious of the evil they do may make it easier for us not to hate them.

Yeah, um…the feeling’s not mutual.

But hate is not what we need, anyway. What we need is to vote every single one of Obama’s congressional collaborators out of office this November, and to do it so decisively that even “the anointed one’s” gigantic fortress-life shell of denial is shattered into a million pieces – as the bells of freedom ring once again throughout America.


“Jeb, you set up the card table over there with the voter guides and the ‘I Voted!’ stickers. Wade, you hand out the leaflets, but be careful not to electioneer within a hundred feet of the polling place.”

Dr. Mike Comes Out Of The Water Closet

Posted by scott on March 3rd, 2010


I’ve been avoiding Dr. Mike lately, because life is short, and his shtick, while never original, has begun making me feel like that one guy at a Gallagher concert who forgot to bring a plastic poncho. However, a correspondent was kind and cruel enough to inform us that UNC-W’s most distinguished gun-fondling kolpophobe is lately so haunted by what we might delicately call “Aphrodite’s Aperture,” that he’s been gibbering on about The Vagina Monologues for the past two columns.

But Dr. Mike is not resting on his anti-vaginal laurels, because there pretty much isn’t a single part of a woman’s body he isn’t revolted by in some way, as witnessed by the fact that last week’s offering is a painstaking, 700-word build-up to a fart joke.

I Am Woman Hear Me Toot

As our story opens, Dr. Mike is having another imaginary conversation with a “friend,” who we can be pretty sure is imaginary himself because he claims to have read Dr. Mike’s book, Feminists Say the Darnedest Things. On the bright side, he was so inspired by it that he filched a notice off the door of a women’s restroom.

He then took it into my office for my personal inspection


and not to mention my personal entertainment.

Ladies, please laminate your restroom signs, because Dr. Mike may secretly borrow and “entertain” himself with them behind closed doors. Also your shoes, probably, but I don’t know how you’d go about laminating those. Maybe just double up on the Scotch Guard.

The sign reads as follows:


Well, that sounds like good advice; not particularly risible, really, and certainly not offensive. But apparently Dr. Mike’s familiar felt the need to fetch this announcement because it reminded him of that one time when Dr. Mike triumphed over over feminism because he talked to a secretary at school and she didn’t file a restraining order against him.

The secretary explained to the feminist that I was not calling anyone an “idiot” but that instead we were joking about the movie Napoleon Dynamite. So, of course, no complaint was filed. But, after I made light of the situation in my book, some feminists got angry. I suppose that the same right to privacy that allows a feminist to have an abortion allows her to encourage false accusations of “workplace harassment.”

Yes, but if that were the case, wouldn’t some feminist have had a Planned Parenthood physician collapse Dr. Mike’s skull and vacuum out his brain by now? Although I suppose it could have happened and I just didn’t notice.

Nonetheless, I am now thinking about posting the following sign on the women’s restroom just for fun: BE AWARE! YOUR VOICE CAN CARRY INTO ADJACENT ROOMS. IT’S BEST TO CONDUCT MCCARTHYITE WITCH HUNTS IN YOUR INDIVIDUAL OFFICES.

Wow. Dr. Mike is fun. I always forget how much fun he is, which I guess explains why he’s single. As Linda Cardellini says in Brokeback Mountain, “Girls don’t fall in love with fun!” And it’s so unfair. Anyway, in keeping with the toilet theme of today’s column, Drop Dead Fred makes a fart joke, and Dr. Mike feigns indignation so he can spend the next five paragraphs setting up a better fart joke. Which we’ll never see coming, because just when you think he’s taking us to the anus, he abruptly detours back to the vagina, like a porn star with a bad case of ADHD.

It may surprise my readers but I did not think Bob’s remarks were at all funny. I thought they were offensive. Such comments should be considered offensive not because they are crude but because they are actually sexist. Let me explain.

Why do I suspect that whenever Dr. Mike’s ex-wife asked to hear those “three little words,” these are the ones she got?

It is simply unimaginable that the same kind of remark would be directed towards a man. Men, while not necessarily expected to belch or break wind in public, certainly are given a pass when they so. However, a serious gender gap exists with regard to our tolerance of women who do exactly the same thing. And since women have achieved equality in nearly every other aspect of life it is not unreasonable to start tackling this issue. And I have a specific proposal.

Let me guess: It has something to do with the vagina?

When Eve Ensler first published The Vagina Monologues (TVM) she included a monologue called “Reclaiming (C-Word).” The idea behind the monologue was that a) the c-word had a nasty meaning and that b) by repeating the c-word over and over the negative stigma could be removed. The c-word could be reclaimed by those who wished to use it without offending anyone!

Amazingly, I think he may have missed the point here. Ensler’s use of “the c-word” — as anyone who isn’t Dr. Mike has known since, oh, the mid-90s — isn’t an attempt to make it acceptable to Gramps and Nana and whoever else is sitting around the Thanksgiving table. It’s like black folks’ use of the n-word, or gay peoples’ embrace of the q-word — the expropriation, through a kind of linguistic eminent domain, of a historically demeaning word, thus disarming one’s tormentor; or at least forcing him to scramble for a fresh insult. And let’s face it, that’s a lot of work. Jonah Goldberg spent an entire book repurposing the word “fascist” just because he was too lazy to rustle up a decent neologism.

Many feminists later added a similar monologue to TVM performances. This one involved having women get up on stage and simulate the noises they make when they have an orgasm.

At first, being unfamiliar with these sounds, Dr. Mike thought it was a demonstration of the Heimlich Maneuver.

The idea behind this was that women too should enjoy orgasms and that they should not be judged for doing so. I guess that closing the gender gap on this issue was the climax of the feminist movement.

You can tell Dr. Mike is so proud of that joke he was probably still snorting and tittering about it two hours later when he was hunkered down in the toilet stall. I just hope someone posted the appropriate sign on the Men’s Faculty Restroom door.

So, today, I propose that we add another monologue to TVM performances. This new monologue will be called “Reclaiming Toot.” It may sound unusual but it really isn’t.

It may also sound imbecilic, and really it is.

After all, feminists say the stigma associated with the c-word can be removed by simply saying the c-word over and over. So why not repeatedly break wind in front of a bunch of howling students until the toot loses its power to control women?

Because Dr. Mike finds it extremely unjust that anything — even flatulence — can control a woman when he can’t. He’s also in a bad mood, because while researching his proposal, he read a dirty limerick scratched into a toilet stall and found its complicated rhyme scheme “elitist.”

We don’t require dogs to leave the room before they break wind so why should women?

I don’t know, Dr. Mike…this whole thing seems like an awfully roundabout way to go, just to get to the point where you can yell BITCH!

DrumBlogroll, Please…

Posted by scott on March 2nd, 2010

We’ve added a new (well, it’s been around for awhile, but we only just discovered it) blog to the roll, Museum of the Bourgeois. WO’C old timers may remember the proprietor, HH, as “Fred Burfle,” who has commented here a number of times, despite the difficulty of finding a good wifi connection in Hooterville. Welcome, H.

Breaking! Clarence Darrow Defends Monkey Teacher!

Posted by scott on March 2nd, 2010

ntabor.jpgDo you remember Nathan Tabor? No? Really? How I envy you.

Nathan was known as “the young Jesse Helms,” back when he spent three quarters of a million dollars losing a Republican primary race for Congress. Undaunted, he ran for North Carolina State Senate, and lost that too, before putting his hard-won experience to work as a political consultant. According to his Wikipedia page — which reads as though it were lovingly tended, nurtured, and monitored by Nathan on a daily, if not hourly basis, so it must be accurate — these are the highlights: “Nathan Tabor consulted with North Carolina Senator Fred Smith, who lost the primary for governor in 2008. In the past, Nathan has worked as the director of internet outreach for Congressman Duncan Hunter’s [failed] presidential campaign. Additionally, Tabor has worked for Jim Oberweis in his [unsuccessful] campaign for governor of Illinois in 2006, and Jeff Crank, who ran for Congress in Colorado [and lost].”

By this point, Nathan, who is also the founder of TCV Media, “a professional full-service internet and branding firm,” realized that the “Young Jesse Helms” image was slightly past its peak of flavor (as is, one assumes, the Old Jesse Helms), and that a more hip, edgy, up-to-date identity was needed to help Nathan connect with today’s youth. At last report time, he was rumored to be going with the

His Townhall bio tells us that “Nathan Tabor organizes and educates Christians on their role in Politics,” a program summed up by his trademarked slogan “Somebody has to root for the Washington Generals!”

And while I’m glad he’s sitting down with the next generation of aspiring politicians and sharing with them the secretions of his success, I’m also relieved to see that he hasn’t abandoned his role as a hard-hitting investigative scold. And this week he’s broken perhaps the biggest story of his career — a scandalous case of religious bigotry in a Texas school:

We Are Not Ashamed; Are You?

No? Well, to quote Yoda: “You will be. You…will…be!”

School administrators in Texas face a federal lawsuit filed on behalf of three students, accusing the school district of refusing to allow children to carry or read the Bible.

The lawsuit, filed in Houston, alleges that a teacher pulled two sisters from class after discovering that they were carrying Bibles and threatened to have them picked up by child-welfare authorities.

Another teacher told a pupil he was not allowed to read the Bible during free reading time and forced him to put it away, the lawsuit alleges. The boy also was required to remove a Ten Commandments book cover from another book, the lawsuit states.

“My daughters called me, were hysterical, and said, ‘Mama, they took our Bibles and called them garbage and threw them in the garbage and then threatened to call Child Protective Services,’ ” said Deborah Bedenbender, 37, a Willis homemaker.

Even I find this story disturbing, and can only hope the major media follow up and help to expose this abuse of civil liberties. At the same time, I want to congratulate Nathan on his scoop; it’s a triumph of old school, shoe leather journalism, and I don’t believe his achievement is in any way diluted by the fact that this story is ten years old (the plaintiff, Homemaker Bedenbender, filed her lawsuit on May 19, 2000, and voluntarily withdrew it less than two weeks, later, on June 1).

So when Nathan says, in the present tense, that “[s]chool administrators in Texas face a federal lawsuit filed on behalf of three students,” he’s simply acknowledging the Einsteinian concept that space-time is curved, and eventually we’ll all meet and kill our own grandfathers.

Not only do actions by teachers and administrators described above hurt Christians

But actions by other municipal authorities also hurt Christians. Like feeding them to lions, or crucifying them upside down. That shit’s gotta stop.

they also send a message to non-believing children and parents that there is something wrong with believing in a saving Jesus Christ, and that such expressions of faith should be hidden from public view.

Or maybe just kept out of the classroom, although that one kid got kind of a raw deal just for doodling pictures of Jesus double-fouling the moneychangers on his Pee Chee folder.

In essence, these government officials are telling Christians that they should be ashamed of their beliefs and they should cower in their homes secretly reading Scripture.

In essence, that’s appalling! In reality, not so much, since according to the district superintendent, “Students of Willis Independent School District have not been told they cannot bring Bibles to school, and Bibles were never confiscated or thrown into the trash.” Also, “an investigation by the district found no evidence that Bibles or any other materials had been confiscated. [The Superintendent] did say, however, that only school study materials were allowed in the Saturday class that the girls had been attending to make up for time missed.”

So the girls missed school, were required to make up the lessons on Saturday, and instead of doing the assigned work, they started reading their Bibles in class. That’s either a saintly degree of devotion to Jesus, or a big Fuck You to the teacher.

However, there is a new movement within the Body of Jesus

That is a really an unfortunate turn of phrase…

that couples Bible-reading Christianity with modern communications. Beginning Monday, March 1, individuals from the United States and the world can participate in the first-ever online video Bible. They can simply film themselves reading or quoting Scripture passages and then upload their videos to the new “I Am Not Ashamed” campaign web site, (www.iamnotashamed.org).

I sort of wasn’t paying attention by this point in the column, and accidentally typed iamnotashamed.com, rather than .org into the browser, and discovered this piece of Renaissance art, which I believe is entitled Christ Ministering to the Rough Boys:


The campaign launches simultaneously on the Internet and on television, with commercial spots featuring participants quoting Bible verses.

But you’ll have to go to the website to watch the full length, uncensored commercial with the implied lesbian content.