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Archive for March 23rd, 2010

I’ve been skimming the Bedlams of the right blogopshere, hoping the passage of health care reform had triggered a few Scanners-like cranial Spin-Art projects. But the ranting had reached such an ear-piercing pitch just prior to the vote that even pundits like Sher (Shermp) Zieve seem incapable of pumping up the volume any further; they go to 11, and that, sadly, is that.

Professor Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D., on the other hand, has taken a more surgical approach to the issue, assuming one can successfully perform surgery using ice tongs, a Garden Weasel, and a barbecue fork. Rather than frothing about the apocalypse of expanded medical insurance, he has exposed liberal hypocrisy by digging up a six year old quote from Nancy Pelosi expressing support for a woman’s right to choose, and contrasted it, to devastating effect, with Pelosi’s current support for a woman’s right to choose.

Roe v. Pelosi

On January 22, 2004, Nancy Pelosi issued a statement regarding the fundamental right to make important health care decisions. Pelosi’s dishonest statement is reproduced (no pun intended)

(no pun achieved)

…below. The statement is occasionally aborted (pun intended)

(it’s good to have goals)

so that my honest rebuttals

(any resemblance to actual irony is purely coincidental)

…can be interjected:

(I think we’re into double entendres now.)

“Today we observe the 31st anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision that affirmed the fundamental right of women to make their own reproductive health care decisions.”

This statement alone is very good news…It would have been twice as good if Pelosi had spoken of “the fundamental right of men and women to make their own reproductive health care decisions.”

As a man focused on his career, Dr. Mike doesn’t want to be forced by a disapproving society to carry his sperm to term. In fact, despite his habit of advising American fathers on the proper way to raise their sons, Dr. Mike has successfully remained both childless and divorced. And chaste, one assumes, from his steadfast Christian principles. However, it appears he now has an incentive to focus less on his professional ambitions, and more on his domestic life, for as Thers tells us, “Dr. Mike has become briefly interesting, insofar as a lawsuit he instigated has ended in comical ignominy…Apparently Adams sued UNC-Wilmington after being turned down for promotion to full professor, alleging that he was discriminated against because he became a Christian. The suit is dead.”

Commenter Dr. DRE was kind enough to send us a link to a story on the lawsuit in The Chronicle of Higher Education and Narnia.

Nonetheless, it gets us halfway there. All women reading this column should instantly call Nancy Pelosi at (202) 225-4965. Tell Nancy Pelosi to keep her laws off your body. And tell her Mike Adams sent you.

Warning: Dr. Mike’s Patented Comic Paradox® may cause drowsiness. Alcohol may increase this effect, so you might have to tell Dr. Mike to keep his paws off your body and just go sober up in his hotel room, or at least take his issues out on the Spectravision.

“Even as we recognize this vital date for women, however, President Bush and anti-choice Republican lawmakers in Congress are threatening the right to reproductive freedom. Since President Bush took office, we have seen an unprecedented effort to overturn a woman’s right to choose, including passage of the first federal ban on safe and medically-accepted medical procedures.”

Of course, one of the “safe and medically-accepted medical procedures” to which Speaker Pelosi refers is known as “partial-birth abortion.”

Among idiots, yes.

To date, it has never been deemed as “safe” or “medically-accepted” by anyone who has actually experienced the procedure.

Every single woman who underwent the procedure to remove a deceased fetus wishes, in retrospect, that she’d opted for invasive, but unnecessary surgery instead. Thanks for the honest rebuttal, Doc.


Each of the men in this photo stood fast upon the moral high ground and refused to experience intact dilation and extraction, choosing instead to let their dead fetuses rot inside them. (Notice the distended abdomens characteristic of peritonitis.)

Nonetheless, most liberals see it as safer than water-boarding and other forms of enhanced interrogation.

So Dr. Mike believes we should torture pregnant women? Seems sort of redundant. Anyway, I’m guessing Mothers Day isn’t a big event at his house.

In the six years since Nancy Pelosi’s statement, there has been a dramatic shift in Democratic support for reproductive freedom. Today, Democrats are supporting massive tax increases and unprecedented government growth that interferes with the ability and willingness of citizens to have children.

Dr. Mike, look — you’re barren. Just face it, and stop blaming your dead sack on the tax code.

If everyone is working to fund a massive government then no one has time to raise kids. Many prospective parents do not want to bring a child into a nation 13 trillion dollars in the hole.

“I’m completely virile! It’s just that my spermatazoa are deficit hawks.”

Again, Nancy has inspired me. I believe Congress should act now to pass the National Freedom of Health Care Choice Act. The entire text of the act, which I just wrote five minutes ago, follows: “This Act declares that it is the policy of the United States that every woman has the fundamental right to choose a health care plan; terminate a health care plan prior to inviability; or terminate a health care plan after inviability when necessary to protect her life or her health.”

A tip to newer readers: whenever Dr. Mike suggests something stunningly obvious, reasonable, but pointless, or just breathtakingly banal, that’s invariably a sign he believes it’s wicked satire.

If things don’t change in this country women may be forced to seek back alley doctors in order to preserve their fundamental right to make important health care decisions. And we may need to consider late term abortions for some members of Congress.

I sometimes, if only briefly, feel bad about poking fun at the likes of Sher Zieve, or Pastor Swank — people who are obviously in the grip of passions and pathologies beyond their ken or control. But after reading dozens of columns by Dr. Mike over the past six years or so, it seems equally obvious that he’s just an asshole, and deserving of not a whit more empathy than he himself bothers to generate. But I also occasionally think — in a detached, observational sort of way — how deeply sad it is that a presumably heterosexual man loathes women so much. Not that I pity him; I’m just thinking of the constant, venereal discharge of venom that drools from the corner of his mouth, and how his coworkers and theoretical friends might have benefited had Dr. Mike been born gay.

Sure, the chances are that he still would have grown from boy to assholehood, but I’ve never known a gay man who was as remotely misogynistic as Dr. Mike. Nor, for that matter, have I ever met a gay man who was as severely squicked out about lady parts, if only because, unlike Dr. Mike, they don’t seem to obsess on the subject. And while he would almost certainly have produced the same kilowattage of hate, he would probably have spent more of that energy hating himself, and less as a panty-sniffing beaver-botherer.

A fellow can dream, can’t he?