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Archive for February 14th, 2007

4 Out of 5 Republicans Recommend The Penis Gag

Posted by scott on February 14th, 2007

Raw Story brings us a piece about a line of e-greeting cards featuring prominent Democrats in virtual fetish gear:

This Valentine’s Day, one of the nation’s largest greeting card companies is circulating a satirical online greeting card that depicts “Love Democratic Style” as “throw[ing] family values out the window” and depicts House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) dressed as a dominatrix and Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) as a maid. RAW STORY could not locate a similar “Love Republican Style” card at the company’s website.

Let me be the first to say it…as an example of digital image manipulation, this just flat out blows donkeys (Registered Trademark of Doghouse Riley, LLC).   And it’s all the more shameful when you realize that somebody actually got paid for that.  Now, as I have amply demonstrated on this blog, I have no Photoshop skills to speak of, but even I can play in that league.   For instance, let’s take this photo of Josef Mandalbaum –

– who oversees Blue Mountain, the subsidiary of American Greetings that produced the e-cards.  And combine it with, Oh, I don’t know…

– this picture of the Village People…

 – mix and match…and come up with…this. 


Sure it blows donkeys, but is it really any worse than this:

So, here’s the thing:  While William Donohue’s recent bout of explosive priapism may have discouraged presidential candidates from hiring bloggers, I think it’s clear that Blue Mountain Greeting Cards is in desperate need of the kind of Photoshop chops that, ironically, only a blogger can supply. 

Anyone have Sadly No’s number?

Personally, the idea of Democrats, especially boring, stodgy Democrats (as though there were any other kind these days) trussed up in bondage gear seems less risible than counterintuitive, since subs are usually sexually repressed.  While Democrats, on the other hand, are ruthless sybarites commited to the spread of “San Francisco values.”  At least, that’s what Bill O’Reilly told me breathily over the phone as he diddled himself with a chickpea delivery device.

Still, the kind of middle-aged people who go in for hired humiliation usually have an (R) after their name

Mistress Natasha, 29, a striking black-haired dominatrix in a midtown dungeon, had just finished flogging one of her clients when they began chatting, as they often do at the end of a session. “I mentioned that I had seen Fahrenheit 9/11 the other night. He asked me what I thought of it, and then he said he was voting for Bush again. It always surprises me how many of my clients are not just Republicans but Bush supporters. I think, You wanted me to force you down to your knees when you’re in a pink tutu, but you support Bush? Maybe that should be part of my punishment: ‘You’re going to vote for Bush? Now you’re really going to get it!’ ”

Like many sex workers in Manhattan, Mistress Natasha is anticipating a dramatic upswing in business late this month as 5,000 delegates—and an entourage of 45,000 others—arrive for four days of work and play. “August is usually slow, but I think I’ll be rather busy,” she says, planning to increase her hours. “I’ve already gotten several e-mails from men who say they’re coming into town that week.”

Transsexual escort and adult-film star Allanah Starr, 26, is even more confident: “I’m sure business will pick up for strip bars and escorts.”

In contrast, I seriously doubt that Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi goes to bed with a copy of Slave Girl of Gor.  But perhaps Anntichrist Coulter will give us the benefit of her experience in personally whipping cringing and diapered conservatives?

The bottom line, of course, is that these cards exist because a market exists for them:  conservatives who lack the fortitude or wherewithal to actually engage a dominatrix, but who still find in these images a titillating, juvenile thrill, harkening back to those middle school days when nervous, squealing laughter was one’s only avenue of sexual release.

In the comments to this post, Bill the Splut (of the West Egg Spluts), points us to his page-by-page exegesis of the Giant Sized Tod Holton Super Green Beret, Issue 1.  Lovers of porcine rodeos, enchanted haberdashery, and acid flashbacks are advised to click the link.

Pantless In Gaza

Posted by scott on February 14th, 2007

While some of us have been driven to drink (and granted, I could have walked) by Bill Donohue’s New Catholic Inquisition*, which combines the social enlightenment of the New Christy Minstrels with the mass appeal of New Coke, others have chosen to strike back by gadding about in a loincloth.  One such hero is actor212, of Simply Left Behind, who has joined the outbreak of Spartacusity by taking up a trident and poking Bill in his vulnerable (and grotesquely cantilevered) underbelly — the Catholic League’s tax exempt status.  Check out his Step By Step instructions for filing a complaint with the IRS, who would probably enjoy auditing someone besides Moveon.org for a change. 

*Motto:  If Pope Urban VIII could make Gallileo shut up about Copernicanism, we can get harass a couple of uppity skirts for razzing us about rubbers and boy rape.