• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!



    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

Archive for February 2nd, 2007

For Those of You Who Were Wondering …

Posted by s.z. on February 2nd, 2007

…  NewsBusters.org (“Exposing and Combating Liberal Media Bias, Because Getting Paid to Watch TV and Whine About How It’s Unfair to Idiots Is a Pretty Good Gig”) provides a screen shot of the ripped-from-headlines Ann Coulter who will cause a murder tonight on “Law & Order.”  (Apparently an embryo is the real killer.)  You will note that the pseudo Ann is much more womanly (or, as NewsBusters puts it, “huskier”) than the real Ann, and has actual breasts.  But hey, just keep repeating to yourself, “Willing suspension of disbelief.”

NewsBusters then goes on to catalogue all the slights that NBC crime dramas have made about the sweet and gracious Miss Coulter.  (Presumably all such remarks were made at Keith Olbermann’s behest, since he is behind all the liberal bias that goes on at NBC — per Bill O’Reilly).  It’s not as big a list as you might imagine, but if you throw in the digs at Rush, Bill O’Reilly, and Nancy Grace made by the L&O franchise (which the Busters didn’t), it’s clear that the writers of NBC crime dramas do have a liberal bias against obnoxious conservative media ”personalities”  — and so, in all fairness, NBC should be forced to air a crime drama in which the lead detective is either a drug-addicted conservative loud mouth with sexual performance problems (or a thin-skinned, short-fused, not-that-bright conservative know-it-all with a kinky addiction to phone sex, vibrators, and sexually harassing his female employees).  His sidekick should be a corosive blonde bimbo in a black cocktail dress who is always making witty quips such as “I know you are, but what am I,” and “I’m rubber, you’re glue.”  I’ll leave it to you to come up with a title for the new series, and then we’ll pitch it to NBC, no doubt with the full support of “NewsBusters.” 

Oh, and remember to watch L&O tonight, but only if you have nothing better to do, and only if you don’t think that you will throw things at the TV when you realize for the umpteenth time just how formulaic and stupid this once enjoyable series has become.

Friday War Prize Blogging

Posted by s.z. on February 2nd, 2007

As we all know, Al Gore was nominated for a Nobel Prize for his work on global warming, so, in retaliation, the Landmark Legal Foundation (a law firm “fighting for conservative principles in America”) tried to nominate Rush Limbaugh for a Nobel Peace Prize, despite the fact that LLF’s president Mark Levin doesn’t seem to be a national government, a past Nobel winner, or the leader of a peace research institute (but he might very well be a patient in an institute of some kind).

And the next thing you know, Scott is nominating his cat for the same prestigious award.  And while we have to admit that Riley is certainly much more qualified for a Nobel Prize than the drug addicted, frothing-at-the mouth guy who called a 13-year-old Chelsea Clinton “the White House dog,” we don’t know if we like how everyone is trying to get into the act.

So, we are nominating our cat, Jet Jaguar, for the Nobel War Prize.  Sure, Jet would have to beat out such worthies as Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Douglas Feith, as well as intrepid war bloggers like Hindrocket and that Li’l Green Footballs Guy, but Jet is arguably smarter than most of his competition (he is certainly more intelligent than Feith and the bloggers).  Plus, he is, in the words of Joe Biden, “the first mainstream black Nobel candidate who is bright and clean and a nice looking feline-American … I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

Jet deserves this award for a lifetime of waging war on innocent mice, voles, and cat toys, but his most recent actions spotlight his qualifications.  See, last Friday I brought home another cat from the pound.  (Okay, one more cat is the last thing I needed, but she was going to be put to sleep the next day, and she is really sweet and really pretty, so how could I resist?)  She is an adult (between one and two years old, the vet says), and big and fluffy, so apparently Jet perceived her to be a potential threat to his territory in a way that the other, younger additions to the household weren’t.  Either that, or he thought she was a Lite-Brite terrorist device.

So, he’s been watching her constantly, not allowing her to eat, sleep, or use the litter box without the knowlege that she is under the vigilant eye of someone who doesn’t necessarily wish her well.  She responds with low growls, warning him that she just might have super sharp claws, pointy teeth, and/or atomic weapons.  So, while we haven’t actually had war break out, we live in a contant state of uneasiness and dread, making us almost willing to vote for whatever candidate would promise to keep everyone safe.  We now have sympathy for James Lileks and the other “Soccor War Mom” demographic.

And, even though things are slowly getting better each day, this is why I am nomiating Jet Jaguar for the Nobel War Prize.  Plus, because he promises that if he wins, I can have the prize money to buy him a ton of Fancy Feast.

However, if he isn’t deemed worthy of this award, I would like to nominate Torgo Kitten (AKA “Kit), since he keeps attacking my hands while I try to type, and has drawn blood today — but, unlike Dick Cheney, he didn’t have to use a shot gun to do it.

So,Nobel Committee, it’s now up to you.  I look forward to seeing you in Stockholm soon.

P.S.  I still haven’t come up with a name for the new girl.  She is a dark charcoal gray in color, with white on her face and paws, like a Snow Shoe cat.  She has long hair, soft green eyes, and, although she loves to be petted and adored by himans, a rather imperious air with the other cats and the dogs.  I’m thinking of either a godess name, or something royal.  So far, all I’ve come up with is “Selene” and “Victoria.”  (And while the moon goddess name is quite appropriate, I don’t want anyone thinking I named this cat after Celine Dion — and “Victoria” is kind of long for a cat name.) 

So, any suggestions you might have would be welcomed.

Friday Nobel Prize Blogging

Posted by scott on February 2nd, 2007

Dear Dr. Mjos:

The residents of Apartment 402 herewith submit the name of Riley the Cat (please see photo) as an unsolicited nomination for the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize.

We are offering this nomination for Riley’s tireless efforts to promote good catbox hygiene for all residents who must share the apartment with Hobbes the Maine Coon (hereafter known as “Mr. Stinky”), regardless of race, creed, economic stratum, or number of feet.  We fervently believe that these are the only real cornerstones of just and lasting peace throughout the apartment, especially the parts adjacent to the closet where the quadruped demographic poops in a box.

Hobbes (AKA “Mr. Stinky”) seen in the left foreground in undated file photo.

Riley is a black-and-white tuxedo shorthair in the United States, and one of the most popular cats in the living room.  Her interrogative chirrups and bizarrely amplified purrings are daily heard by up to two people, and occasinally more if she happens to curl up in our lap while we’re on the phone.  For 8 years she has used her lethally seductive cuteness to become the apartment’s foremost advocate for napping and laying in that patch of sun that comes through the bathroom window.  But most importantly, she habitually enters the hall closet after Mr. Stinky takes a huge crap, and buries the reeking pile he blithely leaves behind, much as the next president will likely find himself doing after George Bush leaves office.  In short, Riley fights the stink in the catbox, so we don’t have to fight it in our nostrils, and it is fitting the Nobel Committee recognize the power of this poop-covering instinct to build a truly odor-free apartment for all, and maybe allow us to invite somebody over once in awhile without issuing a Haz-Mat suit in the foyer.

Thank you for your thoughtful and serious consideration of this nomination.  Should you require additional information, please don’t hesitate to contact me.


Scott Clevenger

In the Hallway

Lighting a Match